Jersey Shore: Wassa-matta With You, Eh?

Shaddup-ah You Face!

Jersey Shore, Season 3, ep. 5

I was promised a disgruntled Sammi leaving the Shore House. MTV? You’re on notice with me. But before we go into the jaw clenching, hair straightening, overlording world of Sammi Sweetheart, we left a real sweetheart, JWoww, sobbing in the corner of her house, completely surrounded by a lack of her things. Tom, the dickwad boyfriend, had made off with her stuff when she dumped him.

In interviews Jenni has said that Tom had been physically and emotionally abusive to her, so we’re not going to pull any punches with that douche canoe. If you’re a guy and you threaten a woman with violence, whether you intend to follow through or not, you’re a dick weasel. If you threaten to harm their animals when they’re hours away, you’re a rat dick. Tom did all of the above, and what I find the most bizarre about the whole situation is that his girlfriend is being filmed for a wildly popular national television show. They’ve filmed at her house. And you rob it? Talk about a dick for brains…

Jenni and Snooki, who’s doing her best to be a good friend and be supportive, realize that the first thing that needs to happen is that they need to change the locks to the house. They have absolutely no idea how to do this seemingly impossible task. There aren’t any Juiceheads on the block to bail them out, so they knuckle down and figure it out and get the job done. Good for you, ladies. Not to cast a shadow over their achievement, but raise your hand if you think the film crew eventually stepped in and showed them how to do it?

Back at the shore house Snooki’s friend Ryder shows up, having been promised a birthday celebration with her BFF. No one knows when Jenni and Snooki will be back, so she hangs out with Vinny (whom she slept with a few weeks prior to filming, awk-ward) and Deena. Deena is the ambassador to the Shore, ready to take Ryder out on the town and help her have a good time so as to not waste the drive in. Happy Hour bar crawl is on, and Deena and Ryder are best friends instantly, even holding hands and skipping down the boardwalk. Ryder is constantly afraid she’s going to puke, but Deena is on the job, and she’s going to “keep it classy.”

That means no hoarking in the trashcan outside the Merry-Go-Round, Ryder, try to remember that. That’s part of my definition, too, Deena. You do lose some points as soon as you use the word “classy,” however. I didn’t make up the rules, that’s just how we kept score in Kappa Kappa Gamma.

Back in Lon-GUY-land, Jenni packs her “babies” things, their leashes, beds, and food, and she and Snooki load up with the kids and head back home. JWoww muses that this is just a piece of property to her now, her home is back at the Shore with her “family.” How can you not love that about these kids? If they let you in the circle, you’re family. Eh, you might fight and argue, might even hate each other a bit, but ultimately all is forgiven in a loving family. Unless you’re Sammi. Or is it?

They get home with the dogs barking and excited. Vinny and Pauly D take to the dogs immediately, but Mike sits in the corner eying them with suspicion and a little animosity. He’s the Bitch of the house, I thank you, snap-around the world and back-snap. Mm hmm, bitches bes’ rekanize, that’s all.

Jenni gets the dogs in her room behind the baby gate and seriously, guys, I love this girl. Just when you think these kids are irresponsible meat heads, you see sweet and responsible things like a baby gate for the puppies, and the others lending a hand to carry things in without being asked, and it’s just really sweet.

They all decide a night of clubbing is what’s needed (who are we kidding, they would have hit the club no matter what) and everyone is having a ball. Even Sammi and ‘Roids are at the club, seemingly having fun! Ron does his weird dance that even he calls his “creepy moves” – apt, dudebro, very apt – and Sammi tosses back drinks left and right. Uh oh.

A group of people chat it up with ‘Roids, and he seems to be charming and fun and interactive, which immediately sets Sammi’s “Ron is doing something wrong” senses tingling and she whips around to see him talking to a female. How. Dare. He. She marches over there baring her teeth, forces eye contact to prove her dominance over the girl, and urinates all over Ron’s leg. (Silly Mike, how can he think he’s the Queen Bitch of the house with Sam living there?)

Ron tries to calm her down; the girl is their friend’s girlfriend, Sammi has even met her before, can’t she remember? Of course she can’t, because Sammi lives in the “I’m Angry Now” moment and only knows how to be pissed off at being wronged, she doesn’t know how to stop and think and realize she’s made a mistake. It seems that Drunk Sammi is essentially an angrier, slurring version of Regular Sammi. Oh, fun.

The Yin to this Yang: Roger is there, and Jenni couldn’t be more happy to see this nice guy that she knew back before Tom sucked her soul dry. She says that seeing him is like “seeing an angel.” Aww, girlfriend, if anyone needed a good night tonight, it’s JWoww.

Vinny seems to be getting lucky as well, as there’s a really cute Italian (of course) girl that he flirts with, and she’s up for what ever he’s putting down. Except for how her entire famiglia is with her, and by that I mean every male relative she might possibly have. This girl has got some high-tone virtue, it seems. If Vinny wants to date this Appolonia, he is going to have to let everyone come on his date, Sicilian-style. Come on, guys, you talk the talk about being “Real Italians,” let’s see you walk the walk, Michael Corleone. [Just don’t let her learn to drive, oh, Fabrizio, how could you?]

Somehow Vinny is able to slip her out of the club, away from her uncles and brothers and cousins and double cousins, and brings her back to the house. It looks like everyone has brought someone home, so it’s a big, rollicking party of pizza and “who wants to bone” hormones. A little Lysol air freshener ought to take care of that.

It’s not all good time whistles and pizza and potential STDs, because Sammi is going to deal with this Ronnie situation before she passes out. He is to never speak to a female again in his life. And she’ll loan him back his balls once he’s gotten an application approved. There will be a $200 deposit required to take them out. Ron tells her to “chill,” and her response is going to be one of two things: 1, rage and yell and pull the “but you cheated on me!” card or 2, cry and yell and go the pathetic “but you cheated on me!” way.

She opts for what’s behind curtain B, and threatens to leave.

A tiny crack forms in the shackles Sammi’s wrapped around Ron’s heart, and a touch of reason, tinged with freedom, wriggles into his brain.

“Go home, then.”

Shut the front door! That’s not your prepared response that Sammi’s beaten into you! Sammi storms downstairs while Ron freaks the fuck out and starts throwing her clothes and “luggages” all over the place, kinda sorta focusing on her side of the room. He starts his Voldemort laughing and that’s our cue to know that Things Are Not Right in the Land of Ron. Sammi, downstairs, grabs a piece of pizza for herself, makes eye contact with the strangers and marks the table leg, then grabs a second piece for Ron. Because that’s what you do in a fight, you bring them junk food.

Hold the phone, because how dare she bring pizza to Ron. What, no protein shake? Oh, HELL naw! Ron is beside himself with rage that she brought him nasty carbs and fat, does she not care about his build? And there’s his line, evidently. You don’t spend all that time in the gym and in the gym locker room with needles and vials and not get upset when your girlfriend can’t appreciate your hard-bought physique.

He scream-hisses at her, all while laughing manically, that he doesn’t want anything from her. It takes a few minutes for her to notice all of her stuff strewn about.

“Oh my GAWD, Ron!”

He jams a finger in his temple, laughing, “I’m on a whole ‘nother level, Sam. I’m on a whole ‘nother level.”

OK, dude, just quit that freaky laugh, fine, you’re on a “’nother level.”

Editor cut to Vinny, who hears the creepy giggling and says to the group, “Uh, oh, if he’s laughing, it’s game over time.”

Sammi sits on her bed, buries her face in her hands and starts crying, because that will make him see how mean he is, and then he’ll apologize, and her face will spread into a malevolent grin under the curtain of her shiny hair, and she will have won another fight, and then she can rest for the night, after 200 brush strokes and a quit write up in her fight journal with glitter pens.

“Your crying means nothing to me, nothing.”

Well, that didn’t work, got any more tricks, Princess?

Speaking of, Situation has brought another girl home from the club and spends a lot of time getting her out of her club dress…and into sweats. She brought a friend home (they call her a grenade, but I thought she was pretty, just not slutty looking- oh. Got it.) and the friend is a bit of a cock block by virtue of not having anyone to have sex with. Vinny springs into action and pulls out the “grenade whistle,” a vuvuzela. He sounds the alarm so all of the shore will know there’s an “ugly/unbangable” chick in the house.

The cacophony rips through the house as Mike tries to tell the girl that he doesn’t have sweats for her when he hears the whistle. He cocks his head like a dog, his face filled with panic. He needs someone to defuse that bomb.

Enter the Famiglia, the Vitellis of Sicily who have come to collect…payment. Or their niece/cousin/sister, whichever Vinny is willing to depart with. A priest has been rounded up at this late hour, depending on how the bastardo chooses. Arrivederci, bellissima! This little interlude has afforded Sitch a chance to toss the grenade over the balcony; he’s left with his girl for some fun night time shenanigans, you know what that means! Pizza and hanging out with everyone else in the house.

JWoww happens to pass Ron who is sitting on one of the porches, crying, like a boss. She looks around to make sure Sammi is nowhere near and tells him she’s so sorry for all of the beef they’ve had over the year, that she misses him, she thinks he doesn’t deserve to be treated like shit, and he’s only with Sam because he feels guilty. Jenni knows a thing or two about this, home skillet just left a similar situation, after all.

Ron, overcome with… whatever, is sobbing like John Boehner just saw the first 8 year old get his Eagle Scout badge from knitting American flags out of amber waves of grain for wounded veterans. Jenni tries to build him up, to be a good friend to him and let him know they’re all there for him, and gives him a chummy hug, all while looking furtively for signs of Satan.

Speaking of, Sammi is in her room packing all of her things up when Mike walks in looking for condoms. Flimsiest excuse to cause trouble, this guy, because we all know he’s not going to have sex with this girl, please. Sammi tells him to go ask Ron, and Mike has a small orgasm, closes his eyes, and tells her that Ron is outside talking with Jenni.

You know how Faye Dunaway’s eyes slightly crossed in that scene of Mommy Dearest when she sees those god damn wire hangers in Cristine’s closet and she loses her shit because she is a STAR and they don’t use WIRE HANGERS for STARS and that is what she gets for adopting that good for nothing, and she’s not mad at her but she’s mad at the dirt? Sammi gets that same look in her eye, bolts to the door and hollers over the balcony (and don’t you know the neighbors love where they’re renting) “What are you doing?”

…nothing.

“RON. What are you doing.”

Not even a question, we all know she doesn’t ask, that’s for the weak.

Ron continues to ignore her and she is just about to stomp her feet and rend herself in two, and she says this over and over until you wish you had the technology to reach through the screen and throttle this girl. Hm, eight times didn’t work, so she marches downstairs to ask straight to his face, that should do it.

“Are you friends wid her? LOOK at me, TAWK to me, are you friends wid her?”

He is looking every which way but loose and she just persists until he finally wimps out a “Yeah, I guess.”

She hauls off and clocks his jaw, which is no small feat since his jaw must weigh a good 40 pounds. She goes inside and calls her mom to come get her, she’s done and going home.

We’re gonna roll…. out…the barrels! We’ll have a barrel of fun! Whoo hoo, let’s celebrate! Not so fast, gang, this is the Shore.

Mike heads out to where Ron is, clutches him close and whispers that he’s always going to be there for Ron, he’s never forgotten that one night back in Season 1 when they were all trashed and in the hot tub and just said, fuck it, and threw themselves into each other’s arms, losing themselves in a night of passion and new experiences, their hearts racing with excitement and fear and lust, but the overwhelming sensations of this being something right, this being something they’ve both been unable to articulate for so long… Ron grips Mike’s narrow hips in his thick, meaty fingers and pulls him closer, his face pressed into the groove of Mike’s groin, sobbing hotly into the thin material.

I swear to the god of your choice, the editors cut to the guest bedroom where Sitch’ girl is lying, looking around the room, confused and completely by herself. I want to kiss the editors square on the lips when they do stuff like that.

Everyone else gangs up on Sam, call her to the mat for everything she’s done wrong, and demand apologies. Or in reality, they all say how much they care about her and tell her not to go. WHY, YOU GUYS? Jenni, who is what you see and what you get, is out with Ron, consoling him, because she’s not going to beg Sammi to stay.

To Sammi’s credit, she says that everyone is good people, that she can’t believe how nice they all are since she just punched one of their friends in the face, but she’s just not hearing it.

Dawn is coming, and everyone is up (minus Jenni, who went to bed with Roger, because she has her priorities sorted out) and they’re all waiting with Sammi. She goes out to Ron, apologizes for hitting him, and tries to talk to him, but he’s done. Her mother comes and she sadly goes to the car, too ashamed of her behavior to even look one last time at the group that became a family, too ashamed to say a final goodbye. She gets in the car, her mother tells her, “You disgust me,” and they drive off, Sammi’s fate uncertain, only we all know that she’ll find another man that she can control and will repeat the cycle all over again.  She can see the many lonely nights to come, her sitting at her vanity, unable to see her face in the mirror through thick tears as the ceramic plate of her flat iron burns another mark high up inside her thigh.  But that’s no longer our concern, big sigh of relief!

Just kidding, she goes upstairs and climbs in bed with Ron, demanding one last hug and snuggle, and the dumb ass does, and they make up and yadda yadda yadda, I don’t even care about this dude and his happiness, get a CLUE, bro. Bro? Bro. Yo, bro? I mean, come on, bro, come on, bro.

Afternoon and everyone wakes up, makes Sunday dinner, and Sammi apologizes to the group as a whole for her horrible behavior and vows to be nicer. And everyone secretly wishes they had a nickel for each time this sort of thing happened.

Deena goes out with fake Ron (Dean) and tells him they’re just going to “keep it classy.” She put on undies and everything, so she is going to be a lady tonight. Speaking of being a classy lady, Snooki and Vinny go out on the town and buy a stripper pole for the house. Pauly seems to have the best pole dancing moves, I’m just saying. He has the vacant “I’ll show Daddy he can’t control me!” look down pat.

The next day, Deena hits the gym with the guys, who tell her what’s being said about her at the barbershop. It takes a bit to figure it out, and turns out that Deena is all about rimming. (That’s when you toss a salad. And the salad is someone’s ah-noose and the dressing is your tongue.) I have to clarify, because they are all so horrified they can barely spit it out. When they do, Deena goes stock still and can’t choose between screaming or crying.

She chooses wisely and screams. She is horrified. Oh, Fake Ron will pay, yes he will. She tells the confessional camera that it is PREPOSTEROUS to think she would ever do that, and I quote,

“I would never in my life suck a butt, let’s be real. My teeth and my mouth is [sic] too precious to go down that way.”

You don’t spend an hour a day flossing and go to twice monthly Zoom whitening sessions to go downtown and through the back door, if you know what I’m saying. She may be a party in a glass, but she keeps it first class by avoiding the ass.

When they all hit the club that night she sees him and goes off. He’s totally caught, he knows it, tries to back peddle, but girlfriend is not having it. “You are disgusting. You are filth. Go fuck yourself” And you can see that the realization that usurping Ronnie’s place in the house has just been destroyed. No more SWM creepiness from fake Ron, aww.

JWoww, happy for the first time in a long time, decides that enough is enough and makes inroads with Sam, offering to get her a drink and show her a little kindness. Jenni, you are just good people, and seriously, I get a total crush on you every time you laugh, you are adorable. Sammi takes the olive branch offered her, and goes a step beyond and apologizes to Jenni for her behavior over the past several months. Good for you, Sammi, doesn’t that feel good? Now make it last, cookie.

“I’m done with the mean bone in my body.”

Let’s just hope, because the next episode promised a trip to the proctologist for Ron, and he finds something weird up in there, and I’m really hoping it’s not her, up his ass for good.


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