I’ve learned that in addition to the birthplace of all artificial flavorings, Jersey is also where clichéd statements are born. The more you know…
Last episode was Sammi leaving, and we open with Ron watching her go, then he takes the Long Walk to the patio and cries it out like the tough guy he is. Don’t get me wrong, I’m all for men expressing emotions beyond anger and horniness, but this guy cries at the drop of a hat. Or the slam of a door. Or the sound of a beer being cracked open. Or the switching on of a hair straightener. Nut up, Bubba.
Situation sees him boobing like a toddler and decides that Ron’s happiness can be fixed with a few choice phrases, and it’s pretty clear he borrowed Deena’s Idiometer© for the occasion.
“I’d rather die standing than living on my knees, dog. A chain’s only as strong as its weakest link, you know’m sayin’? It’s like, one man’s trash is another man’s garbage, you feel me? Hear me, dog, kissing is just shopping upstairs for downstairs merchandise, right? Bro, you gotta speak softly and carry a big dick. I’m trying to say that I want you to shut up so I can get a sammich and not have your crying upset my stomach.”
In the end, Ron slaps on some Michael Bolton, puts on an old pair of Sammi’s lace undies and just lets himself feel. After a few hours of putting her lipstick on his hand and making out with it, he goes down to the girls and tries to get them to sympathize with him for being a violent rage-aholic. They’re not having it, and let him know he fucked up. He sighs, hangs his head, hits play on his iPod and lets the Charlie Brown theme play him out.
Just when he gets his face screwed up into a really good wail, he sees Vinny and Pauly and knuckles the tears away. They’re also not up for his neediness. “Yeah, we’re here for you, bro.” Translation: quit crying over that broad and let’s go tan. More Charlie Brown music as he slopes up the stairs, his lip wobbling in antici- wait for it – …pation of a private sob.
Snooki and Deena are sick of the morose cloud hanging over the Party House of Jersey, so they decide it’s time to play. Snooki sneaks up on Vinny and slaps a handful of cake in his face. Whee! Food fight! Pauly looks at the camera and you can tell he was a troublemaker of a kid, but the cute kind. “One, two, three, four, I declare a prank war!”
So far, Team Meatball: 1, Team Bromance: Nada. The girls race to their room and hide under the beds.
Vinny is all like, “Oh, hell naw! I got brains, this is gonna be sick. Because of my massive, pulsing, throbbing ginormous and hard brain.” Did you hear a whinny? Just me? Anyway, the editors are clearly having fun with this because no sooner does Vinny call himself the Corleone-Einstein of Jersey the editors cut to him dropping a water balloon on himself. Ha ha ha.
The guys nab a turd out of the trashcan (one of the dogs’ poops. I think. I hope. Oh, god.) and we have Poop Mention #1. They slip it in a grocery bag and sneak into the girls room, putting it in a corner. Ew. The girls crawl out from under the bed, grab the bag, and sneak into the guys room and set it on fire with a can of hairspray and a pack of matches and burn the shore house down, ha ha, who’s got the brains now, douchebags?!
No, they just gave a little tit for tat, tat being the underside of Vinny’s pillow. The guys retire to their room. After a while they figure out something is stinky and discover the turd. Touché! Well, now it is on like Red Dawn. Vinny grabs Nicole’s stuffed crocodile (how old are these people, good lord) and sneaks out to the upstairs balcony and hangs it off the railing. He and Pauly wait downstairs for the fireworks to begin. Snooki realizes it’s gone, walks around calling it (I think she might actually believe it will tell her where it is) and wanders upstairs.
Mike, because he’s just a tool bag, tells her that he saw “someone” take it outside. They both go out there, find it, and she confronts Vinny. He’s completely baffled that she found it so quickly, because let’s face it: that could have gone on for hours. She tells him that Mike told her where it was. Needle on the record scratch!
“What is it with this kid?” So from now on, Mike is the Snitch-uation. They call him downstairs to get him to admit to being Jerky McNoFunerson. He’s all, “Eh, I was just upstairs trying to masturbate on my abs, not crying or anything because I’m so alone, and I just couldn’t take it. I had to be a dick.”
I was hoping we would have gotten to some Nair swapped for shampoo shenanigans, but no dice. Thanks for nothing, Snitch.
Next day, Ron, Deena, and Snooki head off to work which means:
- Ron will look out the front of the store at the beach and try to not bawl while softly crooning Celine Dion
- Deena is going to go crazy-nuts with creating slogans for the t-shirts
- and Snooks is going to wander about making barking whines and shuffling around in her house shoes.
Great work ethic, these kids. (Well, Deena’s got some. She’s a Dental Hygienist, don’t forget. She has to keep herself in Shellac manicures, after all.)
Back at the house it seems every single toilet is clogged (Poop Mention #2) and Vinny gives us a rundown of everything that gets flushed: tampons, paper towels, used undies, shot glasses, whole animals, dignity. And Jesus, what are they eating that clogs up every single toilet? Vinny, because he’s my Boo, steps up and takes the job of plunging the commodes. (Hoark.) Did we really need closeups, MTV? Poop mention #3.
It ain’t budging, so he goes the ghetto route of an unbent hangar for a toilet snake. I cannot imagine anything worse than having to unclog a toilet in the Jersey House, unless it’s sleeping in the Situation’s bed. That doesn’t work, so they have to call a plumber. Which leads us to…
Snooki at working needing to poop. Mention #4. She can’t, however, because the toilet is occupado. Ron is in there having a macho cry, like you do. I am seriously worried about this guy’s hydration levels. Maybe someone could spare some botox and freeze up his tear ducts. He sucks it up after who knows how long, and Snooks gets her “relief.” #5.
At the house, the guys are trying to figure out what to do with this weeping titty baby they have on their hands and rid him of his vaginitis. Jenni and Deena decide to clear out all of Sammi’s things from the upstairs while the guys get their hair did. They’re thinking that Ron living with her broken things is a constant reminder of his lost love like this is freaking Ordinary People and he’s lost his beloved son in a sailing accident.
Before hair cuts, Ron calls up a florist and orders 2 dozen red roses for today, pink for tomorrow, and white for the day after that, falls victim to the up-sell and tacks on some chocolate, teddy bears, and balloons. You have to admit, that pep talk Sitch gave him was worth it. I picked Mike for a daisy guy, but hey.
The guys drag him away, the girls get to work, and when Ron gets back and sees everything gone, he runs away, hands in the air waving, and has a mini-remake of The Crying Game in the shower. Jenni grabs the duck phone to call Sammi and Ron hears this, bolts to the phone room and hovers.
“Uh, I’ll call you later.”
Deena goes to lay down because she’s feeling bad. Turns out she’s constipated, and the blocked toilets aren’t helping. Mention #6.
Pauly hits the guy’s bathroom to get fresh to death (like he do) and spies some crusty ol’ lady britches in da baffroom. Everyone’s grossed out and tries to figure out who they belong to, and Snitch-uation, because he’s just a douche nozzle, immediately tells Deena they must be hers. LOOK, DUDE. We get it. She flirted with you, you think you’re better than her, and you want to discourage her attraction. You don’t have to be an asshole to make her not want you, just be yourself. Oh, right, that is yourself.
Pauly lets us know they’re not his because he wears red lace. Pauly D, I love you. Deena smartly comes to the conclusion that some chick the guys brought home slipped them off and forgot to hide them in her purse. The guys are shocked. Yeah, we do that. Look, you wear the tummy-control panties out so you look good in the dress, but you don’t want your man to see you in Spanx, so you peel them off and discretely slip on a thong when you’re in the bedroom. Surprise, guys, you know our secret. But come on, unknown girl, you don’t leave a man behind! That’s Bush league.
8 cans of AquaNet and a vat of bronzer later and everyone’s ready for Karma. Well, everyone except Deena because she’s backed up. Mention #7, and really. Why is this the theme?! Aw, remember the good old days of shots and gratuitous sex? I miss them, too. Everyone starts in on teasing Deena and you can see that it’s moved to the point of her having her feelings hurt. You know what helps that? Loads and loads of booze, that always changes your mood.
At the club, Pauly sees an old girlfriend he’s still on good terms with and Mike’s Robbery Antenna pops up. Right in the middle of a sentence between Pauly and his friend, Mike cuts in, literally reaching in between the two, grabs the girl, and pulls her to the dance floor where he starts humping her, pulling her up onto his waist, thrusting up into her crotch. Because he’s a classy guy, Mike, that’s what you do to gently infer to a lady that you might possibly find her attractive.
Seriously, this guy is the nastiest and most flagrant pre-rapist on TV. Ladies: do not go home with this man. He tells her he’s taking her home that night and she shuts him down, “I’m not like that,” and turns her back on him. Go take a bleach shower, sweetie, I’ll burn your clothes.
Ron is wandering around looking for a rain-soaked window pane to mimic his tears when Nicole bellies him up to the bar. She tells him it’s good he and Sam are broken up, they’re no good together, broken record, broken record. NUH UH, I LOVE HER. She’s just done with this guy. Honey pie, I would have given up a few episodes ago, I’m just saying.
Vinny picks up a cute girl with a partial sleeve (that’s hot) and Snooks finds a Mario Brother, sans chapeau, ‘stache, and mallet, and takes him home. Now, she’s pretty drunk at this point and is not registering his name. Any of the fifteen times he tells her. Eh, who cares, he wants to bone, she’s all for it, what’s in a name? That which we call a Guido by any other name would smell as strongly of Axe body spray.
Deena starts falling off her heels because that’s just how much she’s had to drink, and everyone is joking about it. She’s had enough. She starts crying and doing that drunken sad voice, “Nobody loves me, I wanna go home.” Baby, you got drunk and wobbled, you didn’t get short-sheeted at Camp Pitchafit, a few S’mores and chorus to Kumbaya and you’ll all be friends again.
Ron steps up to the plate and takes on the laborious task of cheering up the drunk girl. Aww, that’s sweet, who knew he could be sweet?
“You’re like our little sister that no one wanted. We’re gonna rip your teddy bear’s head off, you know?”
Oh my GOD, what kind of apology/pep-talk is that?! And she’s all smiles, and “I feel better now, thanks, Big Ron!” and I remember that she’s trashed.
Snooks heads to the sex room with her Juicehead, the guys break in and tease them as it turns out Mario (or whoever he is) was a part of the Uncle Creepy Collection Agency that cockblocked Vinny a few episodes back. Ah, memories.
Vinny and his girl sneak off to Vinny’s bed and start making out. Which means it’s time for the Situation to show once again how creepy he can be by interrupting them and forcing a hamburger on them. He’s got it all cut in half and insists that they eat some, rubbing his hand on the girl’s arm – as she’s lying underneath Vinny. Dude. We get it. You’re so gay for Vinny (aren’t we all?) and just want to watch him, since you know that’s as close as you’re going to get.
And that’s why he keeps trying to steal his girls (and Pauly’s for that matter) because that’s how a closeted man expresses his interest. I’M JUST SAYING. He actually feeds a bite to Vinny. He has a NAPKIN and wipes the corner of Vinny’s mouth. Holy shit, let the man bust a nut you creeptastic greaseball.
Meanwhile, on the Lifetime network, Ron’s personal movie “Cries In The Dark: One Man’s Tale of Love Lost” plays out on the patio where Deena tells him they’re the ones that took Sammi’s stuff. Ron holds in a lip wobble and says that he just might have to leave. How can he heal with nothing of Sammi’s around to help him remember why the hell he was saddled with her in the first place? Deena returns the pep talk favor, except she doesn’t threaten precious belongings or say he’s an “accident” baby.
Will Ron leave? Will he ever get so dehydrated that we just hear a metallic whirring as his body tries to spit out any moisture? And we get the hint that Sam’s coming back next episode. Oh my god WHY.
Whatever, you know I’m excited.