I’m rooting for these kids, I really am, but holy Mary mother of Godric, they are some filthy-ass roommates. Fresh-to-death my ass.
Before we get to the unbelievable toilet situation, we last left off with Sammi having come back to the house. While everyone greets her with smiles and hugs, Ron – a dopey expression on his face – takes the entire pitcher of Ron-Ron Juice (essence of Lavender and a Cling sheet mixed with butterbeer) in his grip and staggers outside to collect himself.
While out there he muses that she should have stayed away longer. Yeah, because that’s fair, breaker of glasses, ya titty baby. Hang on, I rolled my eyes so hard they popped out.
OK, back. Deena is “histatic” that her total super BFF Sammi is home and she explains to the camera that it means “when you’re super happy and… really happy.” You know, histatic.
Sammi swears to the girls that this time she’s “Single Sammi” – who, if you remember, is a bitch that likes to rub it in her ex’s face. Ron sucks it up, decides to come in and be an adult by saying hello.
“You look pale,” she sneers as she picks her teeth with her nail.
“I just sawr a ghost, that’s why,” Ron laughs.
“Mm. You look pale.” No, she just means to be shitty, dude, trying to get the upper hand right off the bat. There’s your warning.
The guys all crowd around Ron to commiserate and say they’re sorry. Ron talks about feeling freaked out, etc. etc., and Pauly interrupts, “I feel no different,” his voice shocked. LOL. Pauly D, you have been bringing the comedy lately and for that I fist pump you. Take that however you want, Bubula.
MVP take turns taking the piss out of Sam, “Did you see if he talked to a girl? Did Rahn go to the store? Were there girls there? Was their hair straighter than mine?”
No one can get their hair straighter than you, Sam, no one. And damn, if she doesn’t go all out for clubbing with a purple bandage dress with cut outs all over the back. She’s rocking it, although I wish she didn’t cake so much shit around her eyes. Protip, ladies: it makes your eyes look squinty when you put black eyeliner inside the rim of your eye lids. Also, mascara is meant to enhance your lashes, not replace them. Gummy spider legs is a bad look on everyone.
Snooks and Vinny do their routine flirting and Nicole asks him to not bring a girl home that night so they can cuddle. (She’s just wanting Round 2 with Moby Dick.)
At the club Ron can’t stop following Sammi everywhere she goes, trying to talk (oh, now you wanna talk, huh?) to her, paying her compliments, trying to lace his fingers with hers. She slips her hand away just as his fingers try to work between hers, tucks her hair behind her ear and tells him to quit sucking up to her.
“I don’t want to smother you,” he says, as he proceeds to do that all night. She finally tells him to “go have fun” which translates to “Holy shit, dude, get away from me and leave me be, we’re broken up.” Cue the Vince Guaraldi Trio playing Charlie Brown’s theme as Ron slopes back home, head hanging down.
Snooki is partying, but is clearly saving her evening for a little Thar he blows! With Vinny. Eesh, as Vinny is presently chatting up a Dominican chica y su mejor amiga for Pauly D. Those girls were DTF, had some serious padonkadonk, and they’re young guys with blood pumping through their veins, whaddya gonna do? They bring the mujeres a su casa and slip into their bedroom, ready to get it in.
Drunken Sammi and Snooki stagger back to the house with a mission of getting Snooki into Vinny’s bed. Except for how it’s occupied. Snooki cries and looks away, Sammi sways on her feet and tries to interrupt sexy times and Ron comes to bodily lift them from the room. That’s being a good wingman, one, and that’s stopping an embarrassing situation for the girls once they sober up, two. Good work, young man.
Back out in the living room, Ron is doing his best to console Snooki with tender words.
“You’re like the stupid sister no one wanted – wait, I’ve used that one already. You’re such a hypocrite because you were rolling around with Jionni [the Mario Brother that wasn’t worth it] two days ago.”
That’s fair. But she’s drunk, she really seems to like Vinny (who constantly turns her down) and it just becomes sad. Sam, eyes at half mast and shoving pizza crust in her maw, tells Ron to quit acting like a drunken fucker and that all men are pigs. Ron for once doesn’t rise to the bait and get into a fight. Or cry! Real progress is being made here, people.
Meanwhile, Deena and JWOWW are staggering home and have to pee. What’s a classy lady to do but pop a squat in the alley? Deena has a napkin in her purse, but it’s got a number on it, so Jenni’s out of luck. Also, the stream hits Deena’s foot, and fachrissakes, girls, you were one block from home! You can hold it! How awful to be on national television, drunk, and doing something stupid (like we’ve all done once or twice. Maybe not pee in public, but you feel me.)
I now want to take all the showers.
As they’re coming, the Dominicans (who hopefully already did, hurr) are going. Deena tries to open her eyes wider, “Who’s these girls?” Doesn’t matter, toots, they’re on the “thank you, ma’am” portion of the wham bam evening.
Snooks is in her bed straight up sobbing. It’s just pitiful, truly. Sam is attempting to soothe her by telling her that Vinny is just like Ron, a pig. They’re all pigs. Ron was a pig, because that’s how they all are. She’s the bitchy East coast version of Corey from Say Anything who can’t stop thinking about – and comparing everyone to – Joe. You know Joe, Joe lies. Joe li-highs. When he cries. And I’ve written 76 songs, and they’re all about Joe. “That’ll never be me, never be! Never be me! No, never, never ever and don’t you even think it!”
Ron gives Vinny a head’s up about Snooki crying, but he’s not hearing it. He knows she brought home a dude a few nights ago (but you said you were there for her tonight, my love, stop making me mad at you!) but he shows that he’s actually sweet and goes in to talk to her. He tells her that she’s just drunk, she doesn’t mean it, and everything will be better in the morning, then tucks her in with a forehead kiss and leaves.
And she starts sobbing harder. SAD FACE! Aww, I just want to pat her hand.
Next day Snooks hangs back to nurse her hangover while everyone else goes bowling. Huge mistake in letting Deena drive one of the cars, as she’s the worst driver in the Tri-State area, and that’s really saying something. Pauly: “This is out of control! I just spilled my coffee and I don’t even drink coffee!” Everyone riding with her is white-knuckling it to the bowling alley, Pauly even thinks about kissing the ground when he gets out.
They all seem to be awesome bowlers, however, but they didn’t show Deena. Bet she hooks hard left and gutters it, just a feeling.
When the gang gets home, Snooki keeps to herself and is visibly embarrassed by the night before. Poor baby. She just wants a boyfriend, and looks for that in guys that don’t want a girlfriend. I’m just saying, Army guy from a ways back was totally into her, which bugged her. Self-defeating, girlfriend.
But hey what was that about a clogged toilet? Oh Jesus, we find out it has been clogged for two weeks. I know you can’t see me right now, but I just jerked my head back and forth, my face contorted in pain as I stammered, “Two…weeks!” like the disguised Fat Lady Ahnold Schwartzenword in Total Recall, which also happens to be one of my all time faves. Midget with three tits! Kuato! Vinny and Snooki need to make up so they can go as George and Kuato for Halloween, am I right?
Back to the nasty, nasty commode. No one in the house is owning up to having caused the Unbreakable Clog O’Doom. Not only that, but there are fresh poos in there. I’m guessing it’s someone totally drunk at night, but still! Hooooark. Two weeks of this. Two weeks of festering fecal matter. They just keep spritzing Axe Body Spray and lady perfume around the place like it’s the god damn Parisian court of the 17th Century. (Bathing causes death! Cake more lead on, ladies and gents.)
Proper Honest-to-God Plumbers show up, and Snooki is there to tell them the relevant information. They marvel at their not being any… sorry, I had to swallow in preparation, maggots in there, and she freaks out. What, you didn’t think shit attracted flies and bugs, kids?!
They use the toilet snake that no one could figure out how to work, and reel in quite the whale of a mess. Turns out the horrendous back log of malodorous grotesqueness was a wife beater tee. OHO, WAS IT NOW? The girls are beyond delighted, because you know the guys were blaming them for tampons, their underwear, who knows what else.
ALSO. They convince the plumbers to check the tee for brand and size and it appears to be one of Vinny’s. Vinny who is not an idiot and knows a little something about toilets, I thank you very much. Well, guess he didn’t know you don’t flush clothing down them. Vinny doesn’t own up, though. Hmm.
Because Snooki has yet to clean anything in the house the entire time they’ve been there (oh my god) she volunteers to clean that monstrosity of a water closet. She deserves a medal. Except for how she just uses the mop to clean everything, including the toilet seat. This show is making me a germaphone, where I’ve never been one before. I would live in a Purell-filled scuba suit if I had to go in there.
And again I say that house is so disgusting! There must be a clause in their contracts that says they are not allowed to use a maid’s services, or something. That is a shame. Or maybe it’s meant to be a sneaky lesson to the teen/20 something viewers? Sorry, MTV, I’m too delicate. Get a crew in there with blow torches.
Clean house means clean body, or something, as Snooki, Sam and Ron (who are getting along nicely, who knew these kids could be friends?) decide to stay sober and have some fun. The rest of the crew decides to head out on a rainy night to the clubs and see what happens.
Team Sober gets back to an empty house and sets up a prank on Mike to get him back for all the other things he’s done. So they call the cops and have him arrested for sexual assault and various fashion crimes. They all share a good laugh, and we all learned a little something, didn’t we? No, they just get cheese and stick it under the sheets on his bed. Cheese slices, smears of cream cheese (oh, ick, on the mattress?? You can’t clean that!) and several shakes of grated Parmesan. A little red pepper flakes to make it a nice-uh pizza-pie! *kisses fingers*
This is when we learn that Mike does not ever change or wash his sheets. How is this guy luring any women home at this point? I mean, seriously, he is just a grease ball. I think he needs to be known as Squigmond; he’s just a slimy, dirty basement-bro.
Back at the club with Team Booze, Mike interviews a chick, checks her ID to make sure she’s 21 (good hell) and then brings her home. Some girl lost I bet, I guess, because I just don’t see the appeal. Sammich and sweats and they hit Squigmond’s bed. Snooki and Sam are practically dying from held-in laughter.
The next day Mike is telling the girls about this nasty female he brought home from the club that smelled like grated cheese. He can only endure the smell long enough for a blow job that he cries through, moaning “Vinny!” as he climaxes and knuckles away the tears before she can see them, and then sends her on her way. He cleaned up by spraying his sheets with Axe cologne. OH MY GOD WASH YOUR SHEETS, SQUIGGY.
Sam and Nicole are positively shaking with laughter while Jenni, not in on the joke, is telling him that Stink Girl probably had an STD. But see, Mike just let her mouth his knob, you can’t get a disease like that, right? Squiggy is a dumb as he is dirty, it seems. Jenni is shocked, she learned about STDs in the fifth grade. Jenni calls up a doctor and gets him to confirm that yes, you can get a disease from oral sex, and chicks that smell of grated cheese means that they most likely have a yeast infection.
Or you know, it means you’re with a nasty-ass, never-wash, sexually aggressive jerkoff. PSA time: use condoms. USE THEM. One, they’ll make you go longer, guys, two, they make you feel larger, guys, and three, they come in flavors so ladies can have fun with them, too. They should not be optional with one night stands, are you kidding me, people? Rainbow star, the more you know.
JWOWW says, “It won’t be long before Mike’s dick falls off.” The world will heave a sigh of relief when that happens.
Snooks, using Sammi’s hair straightener for some support, tells Vinny that she’s sorry she made such an ass of herself. He teases her in a good natured way, and in a twist, Ahab waves off that giant sperm whale, finally at peace with the missing part of him. It turned out to be his own wild nature, in the end.
NEXT EPISODE! Roger passes the gang in his car and does “the dip!” Someone is ducking in his car, is he a cheater? Sammi is champing at the bit hoping he is so she can perform her One Woman Play, “Pack Their Luggages: Men is Pigs” for the ladies of the shore house