(these are late because I was hit with the monster flu. Apologies.)
We last left off with Ron and Sam being friends, with no hint whatsoever of wanting to get back together, and they both decided to lay of Xenadrine and tanning and take up urban beekeeping. MIRACLES WERE HAPPENING. So can these two make it work? Spoiler alert: durr.
Vinny and Pauly go to Staten Island (and apparently you have to make emphatic hand gestures when you talk about S.I.) to hang with Vinny’s family. I think they have the cutest bromance. This is a big step, bringing your significant other home to meet the parents, uncles, Nonis, Pee Paws, cousins, double cousins, etc.
While the guys are heading south, the girls (this means Ron as well) head out for mani-pedis and apple ‘tinis. Of course Mike, who wakes up late, can sense that the ultimate day of fun just passed him by and that the girls took the wrong effete Italian with them and plots his revenge. He helps bust out Jenni’s dogs from their corral and feeds them everything under the sun. He scoops peanut butter onto the floor (gross), lifts up the lid to the trash and lets them dig in there, on and on. He claps his hands with glee as they proceed to piss and shit all over the house. This is so gross, I can’t even, you guys.
Mike holds up a dog to the camera and shares a moment, staring into its eyes. “I can speak to them,” he says, not realizing that we all can speak to them. All of us, Mike. Well, except for the people who can’t physically talk. Gems like this are what help me adore every single minute of this show. Mike surveys his work, puts on a mud mask, Ped Eggs his heels, slips on his jean jammies and Hello Kitty sleep mask and fakes like he’s been sleeping this whole time.
Back at Staten Island (did you make fists and shake them at your chest? You’ll get a fine from the Guido Police, if not) all of the family embraces the lovers and shows Pauly how cool they are with this bromance by giving him shit for his cactus hair. Big Pussy in his bowling league shirt is busting Pauly’s balls about his looks. Take that in for a minute. And then take the cannoli.
The family sits down to eat and mama mia, it’s a feast. Sausages, cutlets, pasta out the wazoo, mashed potatoes, (really?) pizza, veal, chicken, sides sides sides. And romaine salad. Vito Corleone says romaine so many damn times I wonder if he made a promise to his goomar to say something nice about her homeland. (I love my new pony boots, Tony.) If you didn’t watch The Sopranos, you are probably scratching your head.
At the shore house, the girls (this means Ron, too) come back to the house and they immediately smell foot and ass. Ron hasn’t made it up the stairs yet, so they know it’s in the house. Then they see the poop everywhere. Deena, who has been given so much crap for being an idiot lately, immediately suspects Mike. She picks up one of the pups, it happens to be the one Mike can “speak to,” and smells his cologne (Axe body spray) all over the dog. BUSTED. I love it. There’s my dental hygienist!
Time passes. 10 cans of Aqua Net later and as the haze settles we see the kids are heading out to go clubbing. Snooki hooks up with a guy that took a page out of DJ Pauly’s look book. She double and triple checks that his last name ends in a vowel, in case she decides to make orange babies with him. Hey, you never know. Hey, Nicole? Polichraveski ends in a vowel as well. Just saying, your filter needs tightening.
Over in the corner of Karma, Ron starts kissing Sam. Oh, god, here we go. She breaks it off and before you go thinking that these guys are going to ignore the siren song of hooking up, they wander off outside to keep making out. When the gang leaves, Snooki falls off her heels (pro tip, ladies: slip some shower shoes in those honking huge purses you take. You can’t walk in 6 inch platforms on 10 body shots of Jaeger.) She’s scraped her knee up pretty bad, and Faux Pauly picks her up in a fireman’s carry and I’m very happy for the pixelated images of her crotch, thank you editors. Also, that’s really sweet, Fake Pauly! He even cleans her boo boo, puts on a band-aid, and kisses her to make it better. Cute.
Ron is trying to get all up in Sam’s grill, so she distances herself and tells him to cut it out, they’re just going to be friends. Can… can this be? Glimmer of hope here.
The next day Vinny has decided he no longer wants to be white (oh my god) and goes with Jenni to get Mystiqued. He even “exfoliated,” which tells me he read JWOWW’s book, because she instructs you on the best way to get a spray tan. The girl at the salon asks him “What color do you want?”
There are color charts? I had no idea. I’m just the old school asshole laying out in the sunshine like a classless nimrod, evidently. Apparently he opted for “burnt umber” and stands in his skivvies for the shellacking. And since Vinny is my boo, I’ll just say that I like that he has a normal looking body. He looks like he works out, but also eats and doesn’t shoot the ‘roids. I know the girls on the show love the manufactured bodies, but I’m all about natural fitness (and I bet a lot of you are, too.)
As they’re driving home, they see Roger in a car adjacent to them, Jenni tries to get his attention, and he swerves off and turns. What the hell? Naturally the only conclusion is that he must be cheating on Jenni. I’ll give you two guesses to figure out who offered that option, and if you don’t say Sam, you’ve not been paying attention. Everyone is teasing Jenni, and she’s trying to be cool and laugh along with it, but you can tell that her heart is breaking. Aww, Jenni, don’t go believing those fools!
Everyone keeps saying that there can’t be any other reason for his actions (Ron is pretty emphatic that it looked like something a guy cheating would do) and she falls for it. At the house, she grabs the duck phone, rings him up, and leaves him a voicemail saying that her friends thought he had a girl with him, and if so, they’re done. Ooooh. Never phone when you’re enraged, folks, Exhibit A.
The gang is shocked that she did this, and then Ron says, “Maybe he didn’t answer the phone because he was in the shower. I mean, he just left the gym.” DUDE. YOU STARTED THIS SHIT. You cheating on Sam, which means every man’s a cheater, and ugh, I am so glad I’m not in the world of dating anymore. Sam reinforces her original idea, “I think there was a girl in the car, I don’t know why he had to be like cool swa-vey.” You can just say “suave” Sam, like the shampoo that’s probably beneath you. (But it does make your hair look like you’ve spent a fortune!)
Pauly has more important things on his mind, though. His boyfriend just got back from his first spray job (I don’t believe that for a minute, I know there are certain “clubs” off the boardwalk) and he asks, and I’m not making this up, “Did you get your cocktail sprayed?” Oh boys, one day we’ll live in a world where your love will be accepted by all.
With a sinking feeling, Jenni remembers that Roger had an appointment for after the gym and realized that he probably zipped away because he was running late. Oh, Jenni, let me lay your head on my dirty pillow and stroke your 50% real hair until it’s all betters. I won’t even mind frosted pink lipstick staining my shirt. Nothing for her to do now but wait.
The guys grab a kite from out of thin air, I suppose, and go outside for some good clean fun. The girls see this as a perfect time for jokes, accept they just don’t think these things through all the way. They load up with water balloons, stand on a nearby balcony and try to lob them at the guys, but they all fall short. War is now declared, and Pauly’s eye twitches as he mutters about loving the smell of busted balloons in the morning.
At some point in the middle of all of this they all have dressed themselves in black trash bags to protect their clothing. Or spray tans, I don’t know. The men use the tactics of a Navy SEAL squad and bombard the girls with withering fire. Ron, screaming, grabs Sam and throws her in the hot tub, then turns, his spray tan and mascara have smeared into jungle face paint during the firefight, and he cuts off Deena’s head to be carried around like a trophy. Vinny is creeping up on Snooki with a barrel of water and she starts telling him that she’ll sucky, sucky and fucky, fucky, because she loves him long time.
I have no idea how Charlie Sheen got there, but he’s sitting in the corner with a blanket over his head muttering about warlocks and winning. It’s a little surreal. This dextropomorphin I’ve been freebasing isn’t helping, either.
In the house, the phone rings. All goes still. It’s Roger. He asks Jenni what the hell that message was all about, reminds her about his meeting, that he’s not a dirty cheater, and that he wouldn’t have even had time to pick up a girl in the few minutes from gym to car, and to quit self-sabotaging. She’s clearly feeling dumb and just listens to everything he has to say, she apologizes, and he calls her “baby,” so we know they’re not over. Pauly says, “At least he knows you care?”
Ron gets Sam alone and tells her that he wants to get back together, and I swear to the god of your choice, Sam turns away smirking. Oh, she’s so smug in her vindication! She controls her face, turns and says that she’s not sure, yet. She talks to the girls about it, and they promptly stage an intervention.
“Sam. When you date Ron you become a complete bitch that makes everyone around you want to pull the eyes out of newborn babies to keep them from witnessing a world in which you exist. It hurts me. Also, you’re nails are sick, who did them? Please stop dating uber-tools, Snooks.”
“Sammi, we are like total BFFs now after two weeks, and you have the whitest teeth I’ve seen without using ZOOM, a product that my office endorses. You date Ron and it makes me feel funny inside, because I can’t understand how two people that seem to hate each other want to bone. Steroids make for tiny balls, and that is disgusting. Also, you have mad awesome hair, you bitch, call me. Deena.”
“Sam, I don’t have time for this, I’m in a grown up relationship, you might try it someday. JWOWW.”
All of this is to no avail, but did you really think it would be any different? BUT WAIT. There’s more to this tale. Until we get to the continuation of the Sam and Ron show, there’s a field trip to Jenkinsons! Apparently that’s another Seaside, but with lower rent gorillas. There are guys everywhere, to the girls’ delight, but it turns out they’re all Monets. (Amazing from a distance, all jacked up when you get up close.)
Ron and Sam go to the aquarium to see the penguins, which they mistakenly think are mammals. Um, they are birds. Birds is the answer there. What with the beaks and the wings and the laying of eggs? They have that shit in the Disney movies, so it’s not like it’s unreasonable for this to be known.
They all head back to the shore house to rest up before going clubbing. Mike walks past Snooki and stops in his tracks.
“What. The hell. Is that on your face?”
“Wah, I have a little breakout,” she moans.
He snaps twice and drags her to Chez Situation, House of Creams, up in his bathroom. He has an entire duffel bag of product. Pauly mentions that he finds this to be effete, but whatever. Mike goes to town, stripping, microdermabrasing, toning, on and on, then slaps her in a special mud mask made from Peruvian ash (a little something he picked up at the makeup counter at Froehman’s) and sends her off to rest and let it do its magic.
She looks like The Crow, or a mime. Vinny and Pauly notice this and get to her act like she’s walking into the wind, trapped in a shrinking box, etc. She takes off with the Marcel Marceau act and leans against a wall that isn’t there and contemplates the absurdity of man. The guys guess ‘Being and Nothingness!’ and they all decide that was a great game of Existentialist, and to make it a Monday night ritual.
(That’s some special cream, Mike, you might want to use it more often.)
They hit the club and Mike sees an old friend, Arvin, whom he describes to be a “jacked up Guido MacGuyver,” and now we know that Mike has the hots for Richard Dean Anderson. And Arvin. He gives daps, and Arvin asks him where Sam is.
HOLD THE PHONE.
What the hell? Turns out Sam has been texting Arvin since she left the house and said to meet him at the club. Mike asks to see the texts, which Arvin has saved, like a boss. Now, I’m no fan of Sitch the Bitch, but he does the right thing and gets Jenni to make sure he’s seeing what he’s seeing before saying anything further. Jenni can’t believe it, sees the phone, and shakes her head in dismay. It’s looking pretty bad for Sammi Straight Hair.
Mike goes to talk to Team Bromance, Jenni talks to the Meatballs. Snooki and Deena don’t believe a word of it, Jenni tells them that she saw the texts, and Nicole straightens her pouf, tugs her skirt in place, and goes off in search of Sammi to get to the bottom of things. Sam immediately goes on the defense and says, “NO I DI’INT,” three times in quick succession. It’s not like Beetlejuice, and someone shows up, toots.
Ron demands to know what’s going on, and Jenni tells him as Sam walks up. He tells Sam to follow him, they’re going to confront this guy and see what’s what. Ooh, he is seriously looking to pound someone. He drags her over to Arvin, sees that Arvin resembles a larger version of Lou Ferrigno and stops in his tracks. At least the boy knows when he can’t win a fight, right? He turns on his heel and quicksteps it through the kitchen, Sam nagging at his heels.
He whips around, let’s her know that he is done (right) and that he’s mad and sick of this, and Sam whines, “Me, too! Me, too!!” So what’s the problem here, kids? Freaking learn the lesson that is Ron + Sam = world of poop.
Sam goes on attack and Mike is all she sees. Mike stands his ground and tells her to suck it up, he’s looking out for Ron, and she just got caught, pure and simple. I hate that he’s right, but he’s right. MVP follows after Ron back to the house. Mike looks to Vinny and Pauly and says, “Hey, I wasn’t starting any drama, I’m just looking out for Ron.” Pauly responds by getting some snacks and settling in to watch the show. At least he’s making the best of a bad situation.
The girls finally get to the house and just go to their room. Aw, man. It’s like paying $49.95 on PPV to watch the big fight and Tyson knocks him out in the first 45 seconds. Wait, wait, there’s still life on the mat, Sam narrows her eyes and tells Mike that he’s the shadiest person she knows, he’s two-faced, and a big old girl’s blouse. He should know that she, Mike, and Arvin have known each other for years and that they’re all friends.
Mike continues to say, “I’m right, you’re wrong, that’s all there is to it,” and Ron jumps in wanting to know what girl has a guy friend? LIES, ALL LIES. Ron pulls the “I cried over you!” card (he has a whole deck of those) and can’t believe she would text a guy after she left the house.
Ross jumps in and shouts, “We were on a break!” but Rachel has had her heart broken too many times. Ronnie is Rachel in this scenario, of course. Deena is Chanandler Bong.
Vinny, in between jamming Pauly’s popcorn in his mouth, tells Mike, “You did start this, but you’re not wrong.” Pauly says, “If this relationship continues, I’ll kill myself.”
We close with Ron and Sam screaming at each other, she can’t say anything in her own defense so she just rambles, the dogs are barking their heads off, and I just wonder if these two crazy kids will ever make it. Or you know, shut the fuck up.
Next episode: we find out if they’re capice, badaboom! Also: Deena puts herself in a box. O…kay.