Jersey Shore 3.13 The One Where The Summer Ends

I’ve got my pouf on, am pretending that a tube top is an entire dress, have tequila shots and an orange face, because this is it until Italy, folks. We have to say goodbye and do whatever people do when they’re not being drunken party animals. What, do they read? Like, books? Work in an office where they have to cover their chests and legs like grandmas? We’ll get through this together. Come do a shot off my belly, you’ll feel better.

Ron, who has finally gotten it that he’s been played (like he played his girlfriend Sam back in Miami), races out to tell her that he knows all about her torrid love affair (texts and a make out) with Lou Ferrigno’s look alike, Arvin. He demands to know how many times they’ve made out. Sam blows up and stalks into the front room, grabs the phone out of Mike’s hand, and demands Arvin “stop lying.”

She wants to know why he’s causing so many problems, why would he lie to everyone, on and on. And then Arvin puts it out there, “we made out here, we were at this place, you wore this,” and you can tell by her body language that she’s just caught. She has to keep up her story, of course, because she can’t admit defeat. Sam does not lose, even when she loses. You don’t make it to junior fast-pitch softball as a right outfielder and almost make it to state if you admit defeat. This is a girl that flat-irons her pubes, she is not going to lose this.

Ron, who can hear what Arvin is saying on the other end, is dumb founded. “I feel like a fool.” Oh, now you feel like a fool? Not any of the times you wore that shiny white belt? Ok. Everyone else retreats to the kitchen to make the last Sunday Dinner and pretend that everything this season wasn’t all about the Sam and Ron Scream Show.

Pauly does most of the cooking, and as they all sit down to eat, they start telling each other they love them, this has been a great summer, and Ron pushes away and goes outside, because it’s all lies. ALL LIES, SAM HAS NOT BEEN TRUE TO HIM. I have to laugh because he’s wearing capris (sweats that are short?) and an Ed Hardy hoodie that is as emo as a Guido gets.

If you didn’t think Sam followed him, then you should go away and sit out a few plays, you’ve not had your head in the game at all. She actually admits to him that yes, she did make out with Arvin, but it was like two years ago, so who cares, right? Even though she’s been texting him for a while to keep him on the shelf just in case. Ron asks if she’s going for Curtain #1, they fix it and get back together, or Curtain #2, they break up, scream a lot, fight some more, fix it, and get back together.

Please tell me you know which one she picked.

Monday morning and it’s Ron, Snooki, and Vinny’s last day at the t-shirt shop. Ron pulls on a t-shirt from the competitor’s store (and it looks like a department store t-shirt instead of a cheap t with “I fucked bitchez at the shore!” in fuzzy letters pressed on) and enrages their boss. He literally rips it off Ron’s chest. Snooki ambles up and down the aisles chatting up any single guy that comes in, then veers off to make t-shirts for everyone in her family. Comped, of course.

Vinny gets to actual work and Ron goes off to take a nap. Jesus Christ, these lazy bums! Their boss finds him after a few hours and pours water all over his head to wake him up, then kicks them all out, their contractual obligation completed. Except for how their boss is throwing a BBQ that night for the gang and they each can bring up to three friends.

Pauly has some of his dude-bros from Rhode Island, Vinny has Uncle Nino (and I hope he goes with them to Italy), Deena brought out her best friend Lisa, a super cute girl, and Jenni brought her dad and Roger, so they could finally meet. Aww.

Pauly is also acting as DJ tonight, so while he cuts it on the wheels of steel, Ronnie gets right up on top of Vinny and does his club version of Riverdance clogging. It looks like a weird ritual amongst Congolese gorillas over mating rights with the females of the group. Speaking of, Uncle Nino has discovered an untouched flower in Deena, and promptly tries to put the moves on her on the dance floor. She thinks it’s hilarious, and I guess she’s going to be able to ditch him, because no one comes to her rescue. I’m keeping my eyes peeled, though, to make sure things don’t go hinky.

Naturally, when you think of the Jersey Shore, you think piñata, am I right? So did the party planners, and Nicole is given the first whack. She’s about three feet under the thing, and has a reach of about a foot, so after a few comical swipes, the bat is handed to Jenni. Remember, she was a tomboy and an athlete. She takes a swing, just misses it, then Mark MacGuire’s it hard, knocking it across the room. Game over!

Sam, still not getting that she can’t control Ron like a puppet any more, marches over to him at one point in the party and demands that he make a choice. Either he’s with her, filing down her corns, holding cut lemons to her elbows to soften the skin, having sex with her smallish boobs and paying for her dry cleaning, or he’s friends with Mike. There can be only one of them in his life.

In a complete surprise to everyone, he calls bullshit on his list of options and tells her that he guesses he’s friends with the Sitch. WHAT? That is awesome, Bronads.

Remember Deena’s best friend, Lisa? She starts flirting with Vinny, who is a-ok with it. Deena shuts it down quickly, telling him to leave her friend alone. This whole story line that’s about to take off upset me, but not for what you might think. I hate that the conversational capabilities are at such a low in this group that fully formed ideas aren’t expressed in a way that saves time. I just ruined all tv with that wish, that’s like doing away with the “meet-cute,” I know. Still, I feel what I feel.

It breaks down like this: Deena has a best friend, who will stay her best friend after the show, one assumes. One also assumes that Deena knows how her friend operates, thinks, etc. She has lived with Vinny for a month, now, has acted as his wingman (and did it like a champ) and helped hook him up time and time again. The girl is not a hater. She also knows that Vinny was just having sex with those girls, and Lisa is someone she cares about. Which should tell you that Lisa might be the kind of girl that doesn’t just “hook up.”

Vinny is pissed at her for cockblocking him. Pissed. Deena tells the camera that not only is she not ok with him treating her best friend like a Karma trick, she also knows that Snooki has feelings for him, and doesn’t want to do anything to get involved there. I completely and totally agree with her position here. Nicole talks with her about it and says that she doesn’t care (she’s trying to wean herself off Seabiscuit) but still, the whole best friend sleeping with a co-worker thing, knowing nothing will most likely amount as a result, she’s right.

Because Vinny is on 5mg of douchebag, he can’t see reason and starts insulting Deena. Deena, who brought chicks up to him at the club. He calls her an Angelina, saying that if she’s not having fun, no one is. That was a dick move, Vin, a dick move. Deena gets pissed, tells him he hurt her feelings, that this is her best friend, and then leaves. I wish she could have said, “Dude. You just want to get it in, you don’t want a relationship, you don’t want to hold hands and talk with her and treat her like a queen, and that’s what I want for my best friend. And what happens if it turns out bad? If she pisses you off, or gets clingy? I’m stuck in the middle. There’s plenty of tail in the world, you’re just not getting this tonight.”

That would simplify things, and we’d miss out on all the “cockblockin’ bitch!” banter, I guess.

The next day, Mike approaches Sam and tells her that he’s sorry all of the crap that’s happened has happened, and that it’s made their living situation uncomfortable. He wants to put it all past them and just move forward, being cool and forgetting it all. Very nice olive branch, Sitch. Sammi fakes a smile, says, “Sure!” and then tells the camera that she stole a bottle of protein-laced Ed Hardy vodka with Mike’s face on it and will be using it in a voodoo ritual to end him later.

Deena, because she’s actually very cool and sweet like this, wakes up, sees Vinny, and says in a cheery, “let’s let bygones be bygones” voice, “Good morning, Vinny!” He is a complete dick (ugh, I have to break up with you now, Vinny, are you happy?!) and walks out of the room.

He walked out. Jenni laughs at him, asking, “Really? Wow.”

They all head to Rivoli’s that afternoon for a last supper, and they’re getting serious about their food. “You touch my clams, I’ll cut you.” I guess I need to hit Rivoli’s one day and see if it’s worth all the free advertising they’ve given it. Everyone gets quiet, as they realize that chatterbox sunshine spiller Deena is sitting quiet. Well guess what happens when you’re constantly shitty to the one person that’s always trying to make everyone happy?

She pipes up, telling everyone how grateful she was for them letting her come in and join the family, how much each of them means to her, and how thankful she is for that summer. How can you be mean to this girl, come on? It’s like kicking a puppy in the face, it’s just wrong.

Last night at Karma for the year, so they get dressed up. Snooki practices a few cartwheels in her heels and minidress. Pauly says he could see her cuca, so she goes to a mirror, bends over, bounces her ass up and down while looking between her legs. She’s got on white underwear and shrugs, saying, “Eh, not that bad.” Ahahaha. At least she had on underwear, folks.

CABS ARE HE-AH! Roger is there waiting for JWOWW, takes her off somewhere quiet and has a relationship talk with her. He knows she’s leaving for Long Island in the morning, but doesn’t want to end it with her. Aww. They make it official, Snooks hears and acts like they just got married. Even Jenni tells her to chill, “We’re not getting engaged, Nicole. We’re just boyfriend and girlfriend.” Lol.

Jenni says, “It’s been so long since I’ve gotten butterflies, I’ve forgotten what it felt like!” I really would like for these two to make it work, they seem perfect for each other. And I don’t care who you are, regardless of how someone lives their life or if they’re a walking advertisement for Christian Audigier, if they’re in love, and it’s healthy, it’s adorable to see.

Faux Pauly (boo boo kisser, blow out hairdo guy from earlier) shows up and is all over Nicole like a cheap suit on a cheap date with static cling. She’s no dummy, so she grabs him by the hand and races him back to the house to the smush room. In the world’s first endorsement of this condition, she sings the praises of whiskey dick because it means 5 hours of foreplay.

(I don’t mean to harsh her mellow, but damn, after a bit you start to chaff. Hurry that shit up and let’s grill some sandwiches and then we can be on our way. I’m going to have to walk tomorrow, you feel me?)

She does cook him a grilled cheese, and reminds him that she doesn’t do this for anyone (it’s not like you made him beef short ribs in a Côtes du Rhône sauce, it’s bread, butter, cheese and heat.) The best is his amazement as he bites into the Wonder bread and Kraft slice miracle before him and says in an awe-stricken tone, “Where did you learn to make this?”

And that’s when we learn that Nicole “Snooki” Polizzi actually spent three summers training at Le Cordon Bleu, but knowing that everyone would demand she prepare Sunday Dinner, she chose to keep that under wraps. The girl is just full of surprises.

A cold draft wafts around everyone’s soul and we realize that we’ve not heard from Sam and Ron for a bit. Oh, there they are at the club, Sam surrounded by old guy friends because she did not learn her lesson. Ron is pissed at her (what’s new) and tells her to just keep hanging out, he’s not interested in waiting around for her, and that he’s fine hanging with MVP. He says it in a way that lets her know he meant it when he picked Mike over her. But we have Drunk Sammi tonight, and that Sammi is even more of a piece of work that regular Sammi. She starts in on him, so he leaves, walking at a normal clip, and she slows down in that stupid gambit chicks do to see if guys will pay attention to them without them having to ask for it.

Yeah, that’s what girls do, fellas, so be warned. She gets slower and slower, and in her mind she’s saying, “He doesn’t love me, because if he did, he would miss my sparkling conversation and adorable personality at his side, realize I’m walking way behind him, feel bad, and buy me things. But since he’s walking quickly, that means he’s not worthy of me. I’m now sad. Also, I really hate myself deep down.”

He gets home way ahead of her and goes upstairs to bed. She’s insane, has had all manner of bizarre conversations and arguments in her head as she’s trudged the three blocks home, and marches straight upstairs to his room. Of course they start fighting and the whole house stops doing what they’re doing (Snooki teaching Faux Pauly how to Sous Vide in the smush room, Roger and Jenni being adorable with her dogs in their room, Pauly, Mike, and Vinny discussing foreign policy with a riveted Deena in the kitchen) because we all just cannot believe that THIS IS STILL HAPPENING. WHY IS THIS STILL HAPPENING, OH MY GOD. This would be a great time for the surprise twist that correlates into the new MTV reality show, “Serial Killer Surprise!”

I mean, that’s what we need at this point. We need the Jersey equivalent of a David Berkowitz to walk in, tell everyone to “shhh!” as he creeps up the stairs. Too far? Did I take us somewhere too dark? Well, excuse me, but all of this stupid bullshit has just warped me. I want hot tub shenangans! Kitchen and pasta and malapropism tom foolery!

All of the head banging I did, however, led me to an epiphany: I have finally understood what it is with Ron, and no longer want to thump him. I mean, I do, but now I want to do it with love. Hear me out.

Last week we were introduced to the trainwreck that is life with his mother, the alcoholic. We met his dad earlier this season, and he was a lovely man, right? You hear his mother, you see his reaction (and all of his pent up anger) and it clicked. His mother is an alcoholic that is a raging alcoholic. As in, she rages and yells and argues and cries to get people to pay attention to her. HEY WHO DOES THAT SOUND LIKE?

Ron is trying to fix what’s wrong with his mother by dating a younger, pretty version of her and trying to fix it, trying to endure and suffer and ultimately make it work like his parents couldn’t do. Sam is belligerent, drunk, incoherent, wrong-headed, angry, and abusive. She’s crying and demanding and it’s just awful. He races downstairs, crying, and I get it. Dude, apologies. I get it.

Mike follows him (and god damn it, am I going to have to change my opinion on him, too?) and offers support. Deena, filled with the goodness inherent, sets up two grilled cheese sandwiches for Vinny, determined to make him her friend again. This girl, I just won’t hear bad things said about her, you know what? Come on, anyone that makes you food unprompted is a good person. Vinny, even though he’s so drunk he might throw them up, takes the peace offering and downs them in a few bites. He even calls her his friend. Aww.

Jenni and Roger get up, kiss, smile, and know that while today is the day Jenni moves back to her house, it’s not over between them. Super cute. And then her dog shits on the rug while everyone watches. Jesus H. Jumped Up Christ, get that fucking dog to a patch of grass every morning, this is not difficult! I imagine MTV is going to burn all of the furniture and rugs when they leave, or at least that’s what I tell myself.

Mike, looking at the pissed and shat upon rug, says, “This rug reminds me of Sam and Ron’s relationship.”

Us too, Mike. Us too.

Ron jams all of his things in garbage bags, clearly ready to be done with everything. Which means Sam’s Spidey senses were tingling. She looms out of an open grate and drags him off outside to have the niney-eight thousandth discussion about their relationship. She’s still trying to make it work, and Ron’s had his eyes open. They are poison, those two.

Ron: “When do you show me you love me?”

Sam, shrugging: “I’m an insensitive person and I don’t know how to do that stuff.”

What a ringing endorsement for yourself, Princess.

Ron replies, “You need to not be nasty and negative. My heart’s broken at this point.”

THEY ARE DONE, YAY! HE IS OVER HER! We can all move on, oh my god, I am so excited. We can go back to goofy fun times, and I am so relieved.

Snooki tries to hide herself in Jenni’s bag, but they know they’ll be seeing each other soon when they start to film their new spin off. It’s promising to be like Laverne and Shirley, and I couldn’t be happier. You know I’ll be all over that, don’t worry. Snooki does say to the camera that if she had to choose between either Ron or Sam coming back, it would be Ron, but don’t say anything. Oh, ha ha, okay.

Deena and Vinny kiss and make up, Vinny, you’re on the fence with me, we’ll see. He and Snooks hug and kiss, too, and she admits caring too much for him, so it’s good they’re leaving. She doesn’t want to have feelings for him, and if you just give this girl a chance, she’ll show you how sensible she can be. I think she got a lot of free therapy out in her book, which will be showing up here soon.

Mike says this has been his best summer yet, and I think he forgot about cheese bed. Pauly and Deena hug, and he tells her how great he thinks she is. He is a good boy, that Pauly. Honestly, can you think of one time he was a dick? That’s because he wasn’t. His spin off show will start up soon, and I am all over that one, too.

Jenni is sad to go. This became her home after the Tom incident in the beginning of the season. Then there was a new love to be found in Jersey, and Long Island just isn’t home anymore. She starts to cry, I make sad faces, and Nicole grabs her up in a tight hug, and they really are genuine friends that truly love each other, and that is also a great thing to see.

The last to leave, Deena and Snooki pile into her car, ready to drive back to mid-state. They turn on some dub step, give a weak fist pump and hit the highway.

The last hurrah until Italy, and it can’t come soon enough in my opinion. Arrividerci, mi migliore amicas y amicos!

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  • Mrs John Smith

    You know what I really wish for? That the opening scene of Italy Shores: Mama Mia! will feature Sammi walking into the room with a giant baby bump.

    I’m guessing Ron will cry.

    • Laura Stone

      Hello, Mrs.!

      OH MY GOD WHY AREN’T YOU ON THE PRODUCTION TEAM? I will totally write you a letter of recommendation. Part of me wants that for the drama, but another part of me doesn’t want that because it will cause a concussion at my end from all the head banging.

      I read an interview with the producer of the show who said that this season she was stuck with all of this footage of him crying and was like, “where’s the show I originally created?!”

      I really really REALLY hope he figures out how unhealthy their relationship is and moves on. And I have to say, once I figured out why he was with her, I became far more sympathetic to him. I AM AS SURPRISED AS EVERYONE.

      • Mrs John Smith

        I think it would be super romantic to see Sammi and Ron both staring down at their little roid baby, a huge big muscle swaddled in a beach towel with a booze logo on it.

        I think that’s another reason why both of them are so unstable. Ron from the steroids and Sammi from osmosis. I’m surprised after boffing him that she didn’t bounce out of bed to start flat ironing her lady moustache.

        The poor production team. They were expecting the furniture would again be sticky with bodily fluids; little did they know 90% of it this time around would be Ron’s freudian man tears.

        • Laura Stone

          I want their roid baby to be pulsing and fibrous, too, just me? With two sets of false eyelashes?

          It’s AMAZING she didn’t have a lady stache and melted breasts after boning him. Which just leads me to think she talked him into nothing but oral sex on her, or him hacking off on her boobs. (Too much?)

          LOL. Just so you know, you are my new favorite. I’m getting the back tattoo to say as much, but it’s all classy and shaped like wings.

  • Mrs John Smith

    Puhlease, I’m your old favourite, you favourite’s hussy, you. I’M INCOGNITO! If you’re wondering who it is my name rythmes with Road Trip, except in the way it doesn’t.

    I want them to cover it in gold necklaces so that it impeeds it from developmentally being able to walk; it’ll just have to roll itself around under the weight of them all. They can strap it on to a skateboard and push it around, it’s not like they’re monsters.

    How there wasn’t a Jersey Shore: Abortion Clinic Special I’ll never know. Maybe it’ll be an extra on the dvd.

    • Laura Stone

      Um, I think you meant to post “spoiler alert!” to the abortion episode from Italy, because they have all of that catholic guilt, they have to wait until they got back to the states.

      WHY DO I LOVE THEM. It is inexplicable, and yet. AND YET!