I know, I know, there’s clearly something about these caricatures from Jersey that appeals to me, and I can only assume it’s the ocean of differences from my Texan Belle upbringing combined with my fundamentalist religion set of morals as compared to the fist pumping, random sex, spray painted make up lifestyle of Snooki and company.
However. I also grew up on Sweet Valley High books (does anyone remember Pascal’s series Caitlin? The trilogy about the rich bitch Virginia horse girl that accidentally made a cripple out of the ugliest girl in school and spent the rest of the series trying to make a pretty cowboy from Montana love her?) and I have an unabashed love for teen romances. Now that I’m in my 30s, that’s probably creepy, but let’s move past the therapy session for me and get down to brass tacks: is there good, hot sex in this book?
The answer in a nutshell, no. But then, there wasn’t really supposed to be, since this is essentially a YA book for the little sisters of Jersey Shore club hoppers. There are some good teases, and spoiler alert that deserves a warning: there is a golden shower. So let’s put on our cute jim-jams, our ponytails on top of our heads, you go ahead an put on your head gear, I’ll only make fun of you a little, and let’s talk about this, omg.
Ok. So. I am not even lying when I say that this book is basically wish fulfillment for Nicole “Snooki” Polizzi. It’s like that fanfic your cousin writes about getting to make out with Harry Potter, who is all emo and cuts himself, but he takes her to the winter ball and that bitch in her Algebra class totally gets pwned in the end. Except for instead of your cousin Heidi hooking up with The Boy Who Lived, it’s Nicole and the imaginary boy she wished she hooked up with at the shore. (And I’m not talking about Vinny.)
She changed her name, like, to “Gia,” but we totally know it’s her because she’s all not even 5 feet tall, is overweight but in a “hot” way, wears a pouf – guys, I totally made my mom buy me a bumpit, I’m not even lying – and loves greasy gorillas. Whatever, right, it’s who she is. So Snooki’s BFF in real life is Jenni “Jwoww” Farley, but in the book she’s called Isabella “Bella,” and guys, that’s soooo sweet because Jenni has a dog named Bella, her little poodle, remember? OMG, and Bella totally just broke up with a long term boyfriend that was controlling and a total jerk, and it’s like real life, but with different names to protect the innocent and stuff.
Gia and Bella rent a shore house for a month – that’s totally how long it takes to film a season of Jersey Shore, you guys! – and they just want to party and hook up with hot guys. I mean, who doesn’t want that? They do have to get jobs, and because Gia doesn’t really have any skills aside from promoting herself and knowing how to party, she ends up working for some hot old cougar at a tanning salon and comes up with the awesome idea of tan tattoos. She’s like so smart if you just give her the chance, I’m super serious.
Bella is all fit and toned and loves to work out and things, so she goes to get a job at a gym as a personal trainer and some super hot buff guy that runs the place works there and she’s all totally in love with him from the first time she sees him. You guys, he is totally the Roger to her Jenni, it’s the cutest thing ever. He likes takes his grandma out to see Vin Diesel movies at her request, what? Super sweet.
It’s not all raviolis and dubstep, though, because there are two total bitches that knew Snooki, I mean, Gia back in high school and they’re way skinny and mean and hateful because they are so obsessed with being skinny and mean and hateful. OK, can we talk about how awesome it is for there to finally be a book for us girls where the heroine is all chubs and loves that she’s chubs? And the frenemies are the worst because they’re so into being skinny that it makes them mean because they’re just hungry? I so love that, I’m not kidding. Like, I’m super serious, you guys.
We’ve got those über bitch-nasties, and then there’s some loser dude that’s all Gossip Girls Nate on the outside but on the inside is Chuck with money and power and prestige but here’s the thing: he likes to slum it at the shore for a bet. And I’m not going to spoil this for you, but he is not as harmless as he seems at first. I mean, whatever, he drives a BMW and those guys are always assholes, right?
Gia becomes a shark whisperer, hooks up with a hot dude that shoots ‘roids, plays match maker to some old geriatrics in love, becomes wildly (but inexplicably) popular over night, almost burns the house down, and falls in lust. And through all of this she learns about how to be a better friend, how to totally kick ass at her job, kinda, and how to get sick revenge on a couple of losers who totally just need to chill and learn the value of a double cheeseburger with bacon, am I right?
I totes love that she’s all comfortable with her imperfect self, that she loves her friend fiercely, and that boys aren’t the make or break of her life, like, she just wants to hook up because it feels good, you know? She doesn’t need to get all married, or something.
I’m not naming names, but a certain book heroine that loves the sparkle could totally learn something from this book, you feel me? I would so hang out with Gia and get my good times on. This is good lesson for high school girls that wanna hit the shore and party, but aren’t old enough for clubs, and want to know what they have to look forward to.
On a scale of 1 to 10 cans of Aqua Net, this one gets 8 pssssssssssts and a blast from my personal tanner, (burnt umber natch.)