Game of Thrones, 1.01 – Winter is Coming

Okay, I’ll be your Dungeon Master for this campaign, and I did ask for one of you to bring your 20 sided die because my mom vacuumed mine up and wouldn’t let me pull it out of the canister because that was “dirty and gross” and I just really don’t want to get into that now, we’re here to pretend we’re wizards and rangers. Unless one of you chose to be a dwarf, but we already have one of those for this adventure, and that should be enough.

I also would like to start off by saying that we’re going to be traveling in the land of the show version of Game of Thrones, not the book version of Song of Fire And Ice, so it’s in your best interest to remember they are not the same thing. Okay!  So you find your band of rangers in a world of snow. It’s very cold and very quiet. One ranger, he’s an NPC so let’s call him Red Shirt, goes off to explore a mysterious fire in a copse and finds dead bodies strewn about in the snow. He runs back to the group. 

Another NPC Ranger, and he looks like a poor man’s Mark Walhberg, is giving him shit about being scared of dead bodies and follows him back to the place of the massacre, but the bodies aren’t there. Roll your D6 to see which of these rangers will eat it. If you thought Red Shirt, you’d be wrong. A thing rises up behind Marky Ma’rk (hey, this is high fantasy, someone needs an apostrophe or hyphen in their name) and it looks like a cross breed of Predators and Fremen. We’re going to call them Predafremen and they appear to be a chaos race with the strength of Invisible Stalkers.

Red Shirt and the last remaining NPC ranger take off running, one dies and it looks like Red Shirt is spared to carry the tale to others. Cue the intro, and can I just say that as a girl who grew up with Legos and Erector sets, the fantastic visuals of the map of the land of Westeros rising up with gears powering it all is a thing of beauty.

Back to our game. Red Shirt staggers across a field of grass, pursued by men on horseback. They quickly capture him and carry him back to the land of Winterfell, which is a land of supportive parents and after school activities like crewel work, archery, and be-headings. The Lord’s son, Bran, is a 10 year old scamp who wants to please his father. And it seems that watching Red Shirt get beheaded is what his dad wants.

Red Shirt is taken to Justice Log (It’s Log! What rolls down hills, give leaders their thrills, supports the warden’s flogs? It soaks up the blood, survived summer’s flood, it’s Jus-tice Log!), tells Boromir, I mean, Lord Stark, that the Predafremen (or as the show calls them, Wight Walkers, a totally lame name in comparison, it has a -3 charisma, am I right?) are real, that they killed the NPCs, and he was a coward who ran away.

Lord Stark uses the Two-Handed Broadsword of Winterfell to cut off his head, he has a +2 strength and does it in one whack. We learn that the Predafremen have been thought to be extinct for over 1000 years, oho! Lord Stark mulls this information over and decides that it is rubbish, Red Shirt was just a mad man. He and his men head back to their castle and happen upon the dead body of a mythical creature, a direwolf, with pups still living. (Sad face) Bran wants to keep one, and the bastard offspring of Lord Stark, Jon Snow, convinces Stark to let the pups live and to give each of the legitimate children one of the pups. Frolicking wolf puppies for everyone!

We have another land in the kingdom of Westeros introduced now. We find ourselves deep in a tomb, clerics praying over a dead body and perfuming the air with incense as a beautiful woman looks on. The man is Jon Arryn, and he was the King’s Right Hand man. Aaron Eckhart’s doppleganger shows up and there is strong sexual tension between him and Beautiful Cold Lady. And then we find they are twins and I don’t have anything in my manual that deals with twincest, so we’re going to be winging it, players. Also, it appears that the beautiful kinky lady is the Queen of Westeros, so everyone needs to watch out, because she has some high EPs right off the bat, is my guess. I’m pretty sure she’s the one that did in Jon Arryn, although it’s not confirmed, it’s just my hunch.

Lord Stark’s wife, back in Winterfell, learns about the man that died and realizes that he didn’t just die, he was most likely murdered. She also learns that the King and Queen are on their way to their house, tells her husband, and they send the staff out to tidy up the place and change the linens and spruce up the whores, El Jefe is on his way.

Bran, who is a little monkey scrambling all over the castle walls, sees the procession from a distance and rushes to tell everyone. King Baratheon arrives, he resembles a Henry the 8th, and we’re introduced to the family Stark and see the family Baratheon. His men have awesome helmets that resembled golden versions of the Things from the Black Lagoon and another that looks like a wolf’s head, and they both have a Damage Resistance +2 and a weight of 75GP. They’re hardcore is what I’m saying.

The Queen has brought her boytoy brother along, and her other brother we learn is a Dwarf. He is The Imp, he is a chaos cleric, and I’m guessing he’s already achieved ultimate intelligence for dwarves, because this dude is crafty. And horny. And he’s getting some serious paid-for tail and I would just like to take a moment to acknowledge that an actual Little Person has a bad-ass role on a TV show where he gets loads of sex and isn’t there for comic relief.

Sorry to break character. Within a secret room we find a bed, and on this bed is The Imp and his lady friend, and over the course of only two turns he gains three more ladies and fills their purses with copper and mead. His brother, Dirty Rotten Sister Fucker, helps him achieve this level. The House of Lannister (for that is who the Queen, her sexy Eckhart twin, and the Imp are) appears to be cunning and dangerous, with a major lust for life. Be wary, players.

We move on, travelers, to the land of Pentos where Draco Malfoy sits with a lady version of himself. Except this is not Draco, this is Viserys Targaryen and his silver-haired, purple eyed sister, Daenerys. And I am not sure who wrote this manual, but apparently incest is going to be a theme, so we’re going to have to adapt. Roll 3D8 to determine the time it will take you to stop being grossed out by the brother stroking his sister’s breast as he explains that she should learn to like her womanly curves.

OK, that took most of you about four turns, I get it. Daenerys seems to be a sad sack of a girl, bullied by her brother, and forced into marrying a warrior that she’s never met before. Her brother makes her dress up all pretty for her new husband, who has an army of Berserker Warriors that he wants to acquire. A warrior that might also be a barbarian shows up, and he speaks a unique language. He is Khal Drogo, a Dothraki. She is going to need to increase her intelligence over time in order to communicate with him beyond bending over.

Side note, doggie for her first time? (Assuming her brother kept that little piece of his sister untouched. Fleurgh.) Not cool, Khal, not cool. I guess that’s just the Dothrakian way.

Before the marriage was consummated, there was a big party with savages of all skin colors (but all with the same-ish hair color in a single braid) fighting, drinking, and fucking. Someone gets their guts cut out, a gift of books are presented to the bride causing bewilderment between the savages, and it’s just like any ol’ wedding reception down south. Poor Silver Hair. I’m guessing we won’t be thinking that for long.

Back in Winterfell, that scamp Bran is climbing all over the walls of the castle as his wolf pup looks on being utterly adorable. The wolf is adorable, I mean. Weird noises (to a ten year old) draw him to a window where we see Queen Cersei Lannister and her brother Jaimie doing the Dothraki. Ruh roh! Jaimie grabs him at the window, tells his sister it’s no big deal, he’s just a boy who doesn’t even know what they’re doing. She is not convinced, however, and Jaimie pushes Bran out the window to fall several stories below, apparently to his death. No punches pulled here, folks! Blackness as this part of the tale is finished.

***

OK, so we’re going to have to pause our adventure here, it seems, but we’ll pick up next time in Gary’s basement, and I’m on sodas, so someone else is going to have to be in charge of chips and dip. Also, we’ll start our campaign back up with Lady Stark not buying that her son Bran fell on his own and we’ll go from there, cool? See you next week, and I’m hoping that Lady Stark is going attack the Queen with a +4 Dagger of Poking.

 

(CLICK HERE TO READ ABOUT EPISODE 2)

Watch Game of Thrones on HBO, Sundays

 

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  • Tom

    Is there a point to this inane prattle? I can’t tell if this is supposed to be a parody, or another one of those moronic “All fantasy is D&D” type reviews.

    • Laura Stone

      Edited to say: if you’ve never been to our site before, you won’t realize that we only discuss things we’re super passionate about and adore. That’s the whole point of this place. We also like to recap shows in a fun way, since everyone else just talks about the show all straightforward and shit. For the record, this is a recap done as a character, and that’s how we do things in these parts. I loved the show, loved DnD, and consider myself a fantasy geek. Now that I’ve explained the joke, doesn’t that make it funnier? Isn’t that how that works?

      If you’re not keen on this format, no worries, now you know. And the internet is a vast and huge space-ace-ace-ace. [Echo] Also, sorry about you sense of humor and how you don’t have one. That makes things hard for you, I would imagine.

  • shipperx

    Little Person has a bad-ass role on a TV show where he gets loads of sex and isn’t there for comic relief.

    Tyrion is bad-ass and awesome. Have to admit that he’s my favorite.

    • Laura Stone

      OMG, his character is FABULOUS. I see it as a great, smarmy guy that just so happens to be a Little Person. Which is as it should be, amirite?

      I cannot WAIT for more of this show.

  • shipperx

    I think that Peter Dinklage had to jump at the role, because you just know that this is the kind of meaty, fantastic role that he wanted.

    • Laura Stone

      It’s the kind of role any actor would want! So looking forward to next Sunday.

  • Poshcat

    Hi Stoney! I liked when you compared that wedding to one down south. ROFL! I’m pretty sure they were drinking iced tea before the gut-spilling. I thought Khal Drogo looked a lot like Adam Lambert on steroids, but maybe that’s just me.

    OMG the Starks live in Canada, don’t they? I’d recognize that godforsaken snowy hopelessness anywhere.

    So far, I don’t like ANYBODY in this show, except the bastard brother and the king, and even they’re pretty much dinks. I have a feeling this show is not going to be kind to women at *all*, and that will not do, dammit. Time will tell. See you next week!

    • Laura Stone

      And of course the tea was sweet tea, right? And ahahaha, I bet Adam Lambert wished he looked like that on steroids! Or could look at that while on something. Gotta be the khol on Khal that did it.

      You don’t like anyone yet? Not even the nasty “Imp?” I’m neutral on the Starks, leaning towards enjoyment because it’s Sean Bean. But I do think that this is going to be bleak, bleak, bleak. And I hate to say it, but I’ve been conditioned to expect period pieces/a lot of high fantasy to not be good to women. Here’s to hoping a strong female emerges!

  • Mel

    dude.

    This show is awesome and I’m -2 on the GeekCred but I’m working on it.

    The ONLY thing I didn’t get was that Jaimie and Queen Cold & Horny were siblings. I knew he and The Imp were…but I missed the bit about the Queen being their sis. I TOTALLY got the Draco/Silver Hair incest part. *shudder* And I also made the comment to El Jefe that 1st time doggie was just very bad. Poor little Silver hair.

    And btw, thank you for the Justice Log. I’m now singing it nonstop. I also LOLd at this:
    She also learns that the King and Queen are on their way to their house, tells her husband, and they send the staff out to tidy up the place and change the linens and spruce up the whores, El Jefe is on his way.
    I was all: it’s like she KNOWS my boyfriend. Wow. hahahaha

    This is gonna be an amazing show and I can’t wait to watch and recap with you!

    • Mel

      Oh and BTW, I’m totally pimping you and this blog tomorrow. I’ve been meaning to do it for a while, and now with the GoT recaps, I have the perfect excuse! :) Also, my El Jefe called this blog a keeper. That’s high praise right there. heh

      • Laura Stone

        You didn’t pick up on the brother/sister thing? WHOA. Did I just blow your mind, then? Just… man, how dirtywrong is this show? \o/

        I will take that high praise and I will treasure it always.

        Continue your path towards the ways of the necromancer, and get your cred up to where you can wield a Vorpol sword, yo! (Hahaha, I just totally nerded out there. WHEE!)

        • Mel

          When you first mentioned the Queen being their sister I was confused and thought you must have been talking about Draco and Silver Hair. And then I realized you were totes talking about Queen Cold&Horny and I was all WHOA! How did I miss that???? I asked El Jefe if he caught they were all siblings and he said yeah, but he thought surely he’d heard that wrong. I mean, really…how much incest is one show gonna have??? Incest and Twincest and beheadings OH MY! there really isn’t enough mind-bleach to wash away the image of Draco fondling his sister. It was soooooo disturbing. And now that I know Queen C&H and Jaimie are sibs–I need mind-acid. Bleh.

          • Laura Stone

            Yeah – I thought ONE incestuous relationship would be plenty, but this show is all, “Pssh, that would only be HALF the incest for me!” Damn.

            Mind-acid? Ins’t that like jumbo shrimp? Hurr. I have a few sloshing of brain bleach left over, but I surprisingly don’t need it. That should tell you how long I’ve been stomping around in fandom to not be totally squicked by incest. I mean, we did grow up on Flowers in the Attic, after all. (I shall dance for you, Christopher! *pirouettes*)

            • Mel

              Ok. I need to maybe rethink my views on the incest thing then, because I totally pulled for Cathy and Chris 2 b 2gether 4ever. Huh. Maybe I’m a total hypocrit but still, Brother Boob Stroker skeeved me out to the nth degree!

              • Laura Stone

                Brother Boob Bully creeped you because he is a CREEPER. He is narsty, amirite?

  • Okay, this was hilariously funny. Sadly, I don’t have cable, so I guess I’ll have to settle for your synopses.

    Tyrion is smarter than everyone, by the way.

    • Laura Stone

      Glad you laughed! And I’ll be here for you each Monday.

      I’m gathering that, and I am a-ok with it!

  • Kassie

    It’s going to be really hard for me to comment on these recaps without spoiling everyone! Arg.

    [Nerd out redacted]

    But anyway, the Brother Boob Stroker nickname in the comments here made me chortle.

    • Laura Stone

      ACK! No to spoilers! My husband has the books and I’ve made him keep them hidden to keep me from finding out what’s what. <-- NERD ALERT. I think Draco will have to be called Brother Boob Stroker from here out.

  • Sue

    I had the whole “Gasp! Malfoys!” reaction to the Targaryens, too. I’m only halfway through the second ep and still figuring things out…and wow that’s a lot of incest in one premier ep! Lovely recap for the first ep, thanks!

    • Laura Stone

      Like the bastard offspring of Lucious and Draco, right?! They really packed a lot of the “gasp” factor for the incest in the first ep, it’s not so blatant in the up coming eps, if that helps.

      Thanks for reading! We’re here every Monday, and the discussions get fun in the comments.

  • Clint Eastwood’s Rubber Ducky

    sup stoney! just watching this on box set now so I am excited to read the recaps as I go along :)

    also, they film this where I live! I am on the lookout for locations I know :)

    • I somehow missed this while we had our attack last week! I am SO EXCITED for you to watch everything from the beginning! Hopefully you’ll enjoy the recaps, too. <3