Game of Thrones – 1.09 Baelor

I seriously am the worst. Pinched-face and lacking of soul. I am... King Weaselteat.

Fortunately I am wearing my +4 Mithril Breastplate, which protects my heart against damaging attacks, and if you have the GPs, I recommend that you put yours on as well. This is going to be a bloody conquest, folks. Also, those with the Eagle Eye enchantment will have noticed the addition of The Twins – the two towers connected by a suspension bridge – in the opening. I love it when they add new places to the Westeros Map.

We start about where we left off, with Ned shivering in the dungeon. Uncle Fester skitters along the dank walls and tells Ned how his daughter has spent the day pleading for his life. And as Fester only serves the realm, he just wants peace. So if Ned could just swallow his honor, he could confess his sins (knowing about Joffrey’s lineage) and live out the rest of his days alone on the Wall. But see, he could live out his days, and doesn’t that sound nice? Ned’s laugh is a sardonic laugh.

Fester explains that his life PE, (pre-eunuching) he lived with actors. He learned that every man plays a part, his is to be the Prince of Lies: he is sly, obsequious, and without scruples. He is quite the actor. Ned informs him that not only does Ned still have his balls, they are huge, swinging, and give a mighty clang when he stands. Because if anything, Eddard “Ned” Stark stands for truth, justice, and the honorable Westeros way. He is a soldier, and soldiers learn to die. He is not afraid of death. He laughs in its face, ha ha!

Fester admires Ned’s noble nards, but wonders if that soldier ever gave thought to his precious daughters and their lives? Perhaps the girls don’t share his suicidal tendencies. (But all he wanted was a Pepsi, and she wouldn’t give it to me! Just one lousy Pepsi!)

Back at the tower of the Farting Frenchman, a raven (who probably smells of elderberries) takes flight but is shot down by Greyjoy. No messages will leave the towers, on the (pretty good) chance that Lord Frey is sending troop movements to the Lannisters, regardless of Frey being a sworn bannerman of Catelyn Tully Stark’s family. Robb and Catelyn try to determine the best course of action: they need to use the massive bridge to cross the river and attack the Lannister camp, but Lord Frey is a bit of a shit. Cate decides to go alone and speak to him.

Lord Argus Filch Frey sits in a dank, cold, stone chamber, surrounded by sickly children. Some appear old enough to have left and gone their own way, but they continue to live with their domineering, lecherous father, who rules the place with an iron fist. A dispirited girl with a herp on her face stands next to Filch-Frey – she is his 15 year old wife. Charming. I’m guessing the children are inbred at this point.

One son (who looks about 40) dares to speak back when Filch-Frey shuts him down: “Your mother would still be a milk maid if I hadn’t squirted you into her belly.” So he’s a delight, is what I’m saying.

He knows the rumors of the day: Ned is imprisoned, his son is on the move with an army, but the Lannisters are also on the move. He wants no part of it, seeing as everyone has looked down their noses at him for years. He clearly wants to shout, “None shall pass!” Besides, he has all of these rotten, inbred children piling up like unpaid bills and no one will marry them. Hmm.

Up at The Wall, Jon has his sizzled hand treated and Master Mormont lets Jon know how grateful he is for being saved by giving Jon his most treasured possession: it is the Sword of Puncturing, the Mormont family’s prized sword, recommissioned with a white direwolf fob on the end. The Sword of Puncturing affords its owner a +3 attack, yet does not drain them of their emo, which is good for Jon Snow. It seems that the Sword of Puncturing should have gone to the Master’s son, who is…. wait for it… Ser Jorah Mormont (which I should have figured out, durr) but Ser Jorah shamed the family, self-exiled and is now the main bodyguard for Daenerys Targaryen.

Mormont sent the severed hand that Ghost found with Alliser “The Thorn” to be laid at Joffrey’s feet as a warning. Now Jon can let his shoulders drop and not be constantly tortured by his former trainer. Jon goes to put the sword away, is accosted by all of his friends who chant “Sword! Sword!” like they’re ten years old, while Samwell Gamgee Porkins frets.

“But why are you fretting, Red Leader?” Jon asked.

“Because I can’t tell you why. Oh, fine, your brother is marching off to war, now you’re going to want to join him, and now I have a sad because you’re going to leave and who will I look up to now? Ye can’t leave, Mr. Frodo! I made a promise! Err, oath,” Porkins replied.

Jon wears black on the outside because black is how he feels on the inside. He would be amazing on a Spanish soap opera, so when he does his dramatic turn to the camera, his cape swirling around his legs, while looking pensive and sad and angry all at once, it’s better appreciated.

Cate leaves Filch-Frey and tells Robb the news: they can pass the bridge (she answered these questions three! One: What is your name? Two: What is your quest? And Three: What is the airspeed velocity of an unladen swallow? Seeing as Filch-Frey didn’t specify a European or African swallow, they are allowed to pass.) However: Oliver Frey must be taken on as a personal page, Arya will have to marry one of the Frey wonks when they come of age, and Robb will have his pick of the litter to marry.

Cate mumbles a bit when Robb asks if any of them are pretty. Robb, honey, that’s exactly what ladies like Ros were created for – a balm for your ills. But keep an eye out for that herp. And with that, the Stark army is on the move!

Back at The Wall, Blind Maester Aemon is allowed a butchers knife and what looks like peeled finger tips (from his other assistants at the raven cote?) He calls Jon over and gives him a lesson in why the Black Watch doesn’t love. How do you pick between honor and duty and loved ones? No one can. Jon says his father can, so there! And the foreshadow anvil rings out as Jon attempts to hammer in his point. Master Aemon passes the fingertips to Jon so he can feed the ravens and drops some knowledge on the boy.

Aemon is no dummy, no wet behind the ears rube. He is actually one of two surviving Targaryens, ha ha! He had to stay at the wall, hearing of his entire family being wiped out, from the feeble elderly to the sucking babes, so Jon can STFU with his “no one knows my pain!” teenager stuff. He can choose to honor his oath or not, but he should weigh his options carefully.

The Dothraki continue their long, hot march across the desert towards the sea, but Drogo isn’t as invincible as he last led us to believe. The wound on his chest is festering, red streaks of infection radiating out from the gaping hole. He falls from his horse and Dany rushes to his side, demanding the other help her. But that’s not the Dothraki way, Silver Lady, they only respect strength, and if Drogo isn’t strong enough to sit on a horse, well… A Douchey Dothraki fingers his sword’s handle.

She hisses and spits at them, tells them to make camp and bring Yanoosh the Geepsee to her. Drogo must survive. And not just because he’s her husband and their king, but because it’s clear now that she loves him entirely.

At the Lannister Camp, Tyrion joins the warlords as they plan their next move. Tywin reminds everyone just how much he hates his malformed offspring by informing Tyrion that he’ll be leading his barbarian horde in the front of the Lannister soldiers.

“Surely there are ways to have me killed that are less detrimental to the war effort!”

But Tywin either doesn’t care about his soldiers, or knows his soldiers are good enough to not be hampered by the bone-wearing idiots the Imp has brought along. Tyrion leaves in disgust, goes back to his quarters where Bronn has thoughtfully acquired a lovely lady of the evening. Bronn took her from some ginger cunt three tents over, but he ain’t bovvered. Bronn isn’t bothered by much in life, which is why he’s awesome.

Tyrion informs him of Tywin’s plans, and Bronn takes it upon himself to find his own warm… bed for the night. The lady introduces herself, she is Shae, she is foreign, and she is quite the smart ass. Tyrion is instantly interested in her. And not just because she strips and straddles him, but to be fair, that probably went a long way into convincing him of her merits.

At the Dothraki camp Dany tends to a very sick Drogo. Jorah tells her the Khal won’t make it through the night. They should slip away while they still can – if he dies, Dany will be killed, and quickly. She is determined to stick it out, however, and calls for Yanoosh. Douchey Dothraki tries to kill the witch, threatens Dany as well, but she puts up her figurative dukes and tells Doucheraki that “I am the blood of the Dragon!” He just shakes his head at her, “Dragons are all dead.”

As he leaves she leans over to Jorah and tells him that perhaps he should wear his armor tonight. The witch pretends to not be able to help until Dany pleads with her. Well… there is something she could do. Some spells. They’re kind of archaic, and scary, and they require something else to die. Dany gives the witch Drogo’s horse.

Welcome to the horrorshow Premarin factory of Westeros. The horse is brought into the yurt, screaming and wild. Yanoosh commands everyone to leave, and that “vonce she starts singing, no vone can eenter.” The dead are going to rise and walk, and no one wants to see that. She cuts the horse’s throat, spraying blood all over Dany and Drogo. Jorah leads her out of the yurt and Doucheraki attacks, shoving her to the ground on her pregnant belly. Jorah goes into defense mode with his sword. He’s a little outmatched by Doucheraki’s youth, but his armor comes in handy. Those scimitars just can’t slice through metal, but Jorah’s metal can sure slice through Doucherakis.

The fall has brought on Dany’s labor, but the midwives will not help her. They believe she is cursed. Jorah scoops her up into his arms and carries her back into the tent where supernatural creepiness is happening with dead horses and sick kings and geepsee spells – there is no one else that can help her birth the baby. (Don’t nobody know nothin bout birthin no babies?)

The Imp and Shae are playing super fun sexy games where they see who can stand a burning candle on their arm the longest. Fun times! I have a feeling Tyrion didn’t mean that, exactly, when he asked her to get him “hot.” Bronn offers to play a game with knives and lots of stabbing for funsies, and Tyrion shuts them all up with “Drinking games! Let’s play To Tell The Truth, because I’m super good at this.” He guesses all of Bronn’s secrets (which isn’t hard) then turns his attention to Shae, confident that his superior knowledge will win this game.

Except for how he’s completely wrong with Shae’s past. She wasn’t a poor low girl seeking fame and fortune, her parents didn’t beat her, she wasn’t any of the clichéd pre-whore things. Hmm. It’s her turn.

“Fine. Try and penetrate the enigma that is me,” Tyrion scoffs.

She’s not quite up on the rules and gets him to talk about his prior marriage. When Tyrion was 16, he and Jaime encountered a young woman who had escaped from two rapists. Jaime went off in pursuit of the rapers, while Tyrion sweetly cared for the girl, feeding her, clothing her, and then – two hours after finding her – went to bed with her. She was his first. He fell in love, married her on the sly, and after two weeks, was found out by his father.

It turned out that Jaime and Tywin had planned it all along, 16 was old enough for the Imp’s cherry to be popped. They had made arrangements for him to be seduced, but hadn’t planned on the marriage inconvenience. Tywin then paid the lass loads of silver (so much she couldn’t hold it) to fuck every man in the army as Tyrion and his father watched, so there would be no idealized memories of his “wife.”

Shae is so moved by this story that she mounts Tyrion as Bronn bolts out of there, muttering, “Awkward.” (I was glad that Shae told him that he should have realized the girl was a whore seeing as she slept with him two hours after an attempted rape. I mean, DUH. Men.)

Next morning comes and the Lannister army is moving out. It seems that they’ve caught the drop on Robb’s men, and Tyrion needs to suit up, mount up and get them Regulators riding. After almost being trampled, he reaches his “men,” and delivers a rousing speech:

Sixteen in the clip and one in the hole

Pimp Imp is about to make some bodies turn cold

Now they droppin and yellin

It’s a tad bit late

Pimp the Imp and Bronn G had to regulate.

Regulators, mount up!

 

The barbarians are moved, they pop-lock and rush to battle, trampling Tyrion unconscious before he’s even able to draw his sword. Trombone: wah waaaah!

He comes to while being pulled along on a cart for the wounded. Bronn tells him they won, but it’s not that impressive. His father sees that his son isn’t dead (not for lack of trying on his Tywin’s part!) and informs him that the wily Robb Stark tricked them. He only sent 2000 soldiers to attack them, that spy Robb set free had it wrong.

Tyrion asks “Where is Robb, then?” Oh, he’s with the remaining 18,000 soldiers going the other way. The other way being the other Lannister camp, the one Jaime is heading up. Whoopsie doodles!

Cate watches through the mist, hoping that this plan of her sons won’t backfire. He rushes out of the trees with his men, with barely a scratch. Their secret plan of attacking Jaime Lannister went off with hardly a hitch in the plan. And they managed to capture Jaime, huzzah! Greyjoy wants him dead, but Robb knows he’s a better bargaining chip alive. Greyjoy just has a boner for murder, I think.

Jaime tries to talk Robb into an “honorable” man on man battle (oh, is that what they’re calling it these days?) but Robb is no fool. He knows that Jaime is a seasoned swordsman, and Robb won’t stand a chance. He’s growing by leaps and bounds in these weeks of war, isn’t he? He tells Jaime that “We’re not doing it your way.” And there are about three different meanings there. They are honorable men, the Starks. They don’t fight dirty, they don’t prefer bloodshed, they don’t believe in tossing life away. Even though Robb just tossed 2000 men to one of the Lannister armies, but he’s not happy about it, and he brings everyone down after their victory to remind them that this is just one of many many painful battles to come. Way to inspire the troops, kid!

Arya is racing through the alleys of King’s Landing, very much alive and very much unnoticed as a dirty beggar. She captures a pigeon, rings its neck, and tries to trade it for a hand pie. Everyone rushes past her to the city center. The Hand is being brought before the Great Sept of Baelor and the King, Baelor being one of the old gods. Ned will be judged for his crimes.

She races to join the crowd, climbing on the statue to get a better view. Ned is brought before the King, Queen Cercei, and the council. Ned passes a knight of the Watch, Yoren, and tells him to find and protect Arya. The crowd jeers and slings insults at Ned, very much like Jesus as he was brought before Pontius Pilate. But this King will not wash his hands of the blood of an innocent, King Joffrey would much rather roll in it, splashing about with glee.

Ned makes up a confession – it seems that he is not that one in a million man that will choose honor over loved ones, after all – so that he can live the rest of his days in the Night’s Watch at the wall, and his children’s lives will be spared. King Weaselteat says that it was his mother’s plan to let that happen, and that Sansa has been pleading for mercy for her father.

“But they have the soft hearts of women. So long as I’m your king, treason shall never go unpunished. Bring me his head!”

Sansa screams out in horror, Queen Cercei shouts in confusion and anger at being defied, the Spider skitters to the Queen to argue, and the executioner puts on his hood. Arya, sitting above the crowd, sees all of this with real horror. She grabs Needle, hoping she has enough hit points to save her father’s life. Oh, little thing, I’m so sorry. Yoren grabs her and holds her still, trying to block her sight and hearing of what cannot be stopped at this point. Ned looks among the crowd, weary, sees that Arya is no longer within sight, and the executioner’s blade races down, severing sinew and bone in one whack. All is silent for Arya as she looks to the sky and sees a flock of birds take flight. She shivers in the knight’s arms.

We all realize our chins have dropped and send a little bit of hope Arya’s way that she’ll be okay. This, my friends, is excellent television.

And allow me to bid farewell to Boromir, Son of Gondor.  We sing a lament to the winds for you, may the North Winds carry your memory far and wide across the great land of Westeros. (I got my chocolate in their peanut butter, but you feel me.)

 

Next week: we all marvel at how 1000 pages of fantasy novel has been condensed into ten perfect episodes as the writers wrap it up in a blood-soaked bow that smells of death and despair. (CLICK HERE FOR EPISODE 10)

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  • Eva (evamagick, evarawk)

    You best your sweet bippy I sat there smirking. ;) And smiling with nostalgia, because I remember when I first read about, uh, “Eddard’s Haircut” as we call it in my circles (to avoid spoilers, see)…well, it got my attention. Glorious, no?

    • LOL at his hair cut – excellent subterfuge. Oh, man, it was hard to see him go, but I was expecting a death to hit me, and is it wrong that I was glad it wasn’t Drogo?

      When a child is pushed out of a window to his death (well, yeah, that didn’t work out as they’d planned, but that was the intent) you kinda know that no one is safe. Damn, this is good tv. And only one more week before I can start reading the book to keep from being spoiled! How I’m going to do this for every season is beyond me.

  • Eva (evamagick, evarawk)

    I really don’t know how you will. When I finished the first book, I immediately went to Amazon to read the “Look Inside!” pages of Book 2, realized that wasn’t sustainable, and ran to a bookstore. By Book 3, I was reading at red lights while driving my car.

    • That’s how my husband is reading them, but I am made of sterner stuff! Also, I kinda like torturing myself, so it’s a win/win. I mean, hey, I started reading The Dark Tower series back in the 80s and had to wait through King’s COMA for the last two books. I got this.

      ….I think.

  • Lurker

    Love your recaps.

    It’s not important at all to the overall story, but Baelor is not an old god.
    He was a very religious king that built the temple where the execution takes place a long time ago.
    The temple is dedicated to the new gods represented by all those seven-pointed stars you see all over the place.

    The statue Arya climbs is actually a representation of Baelor himself, which is why Ned yells “Baelor” at Yoren, causing him to look over there and spot Arya.

    As I said, not important at all, but it might be an interesting detail.

    • I salute you, Lurker, for the attention to detail! Since I’ve not read the books, little details like that are hard to find (without getting horribly spoiled.)

      I imagine that once this season is over and I’m able to read the book guilt free, I’ll find all sorts of great tidbits like that that will only enhance the eps for me.

      Thanks! (And I’ll make an edit here in a bit, too. :) )

  • Tracey

    I’ve read the books, so I knew what was coming…and it STILL hurt. Yo, Joff. I hereby dub thee King Joffrey the Vile and Loathsome. May you be flayed alive, crushed by elephants and incinerated by dragonfire. Slowly. For eternity.

    I imagine it shocked you when Ned died, because anyone who knows anything about fiction would figure that he’s got genre-imposed immunity. He’s the hero. Heroes aren’t supposed to die…and if they do, they’re supposed to get rezzed fairly fast.

    Now you know–Martin doesn’t DO genre-imposed immunity.

    I don’t know who to feel sorrier for, though–Sansa or Arya. Sansa’s a hostage of monsters (and she’s still betrothed to King Weaselteat), while Arya’s on the streets of King’s Landing AND has three armies between her and Winterfell. And you know that Cersei is looking for her. They’re both trapped.

    • King Weaselteat BETTER GET SOME COME UPPANCE, that’s all I have to say. Something humiliating and/or painful. He is loathsome. (I do adore hating him, in case anyone is confusing me with a character basher. I love to hate the baddies.)

      I love that no one is safe, LOVE IT. It keeps you on your toes and throws out all of the rules. It’s pretty ballsy – very Psycho-esque with the lead getting killed right off so the REAL creepy story can be told. I’m a fan.

      I have to say that I feel worse for Arya as I think she actually gets it, and has gotten it for a while. Sansa was blissfully ignorant up until the horrible end, but Arya saw her beloved teacher face off against an army to get her away to safety – she gets what all is at stake. And there’s no one pulling for her at all. I think Weaselteat is going to be happy to torture Sansa, and perhaps Cercei is going to need Sansa on her side to help control the little madman that’s been created.

      I LOVE THIS SHOW.

  • Yeah, there was some jaw-droppage at my place when we saw that. Holy crap. I had to watch it two more times to come to terms with what happened at the end of that episode. I’ll say it again, holy crap.

    Ned may be taking the long nap, but the fate of Drogo and Dany is unresolved. I hope we’ll get an answer regarding what happened there before the end of the season, I really don’t want that to be the cliffhanger we go out on next week!

    Also, Tyrion remains my all-time favorite character on the show. Arya is quickly taking the #2 spot from Dany, tho…

    • I KNOW, RIGHT??! Jaw dropping, & how rare is it for a tv show (HBO notwithstanding) to take a chance like that!

      I hope we get an idea as to what’s happening with Drogo next week, as well. If something goes wrong there, I hope Dany takes it to the mattresses. I have a feeling we’re about to start seeing dragons. ;)

      Tyrion is HANDS DOWN the best, the most interesting, the most compelling character on the show. Kudos to Peter Dinklage, and if he’s not nominated for an Emmy… Arya was just meh to me in the beginning, but once they hit King’s Landing, started moving up leaps and bounds. What an outstanding character arc.

      • My best guess, having never read the books and just going off of the teaser for next week’s finale, is that Drogo dies and Dany pulls a fire-walking stunt to prove that she’s got the chops to lead them. At least, that’s what I hope happens. Dany has come too far to lose the Dothraki!

        Tyrion is AWESOME, and what’s with Dinklage only getting a nomination for SUPPORTING actor? He steals every scene he’s in, and he’s the one character I want to know more about in every episode! They’d better revisit that whole “supporting” bit next season and move him up the ranks!

        • That was sort of what I thought would happen, too. Either a “fire walk to prove my stones” story or it’s a part of the blood magic to bring Drogo back from the edge of death. Either way, should be awesome to watch. Oh, she CANNOT lose the Dothraki, she ate that g.d. horse heart!

          I wonder if the supporting actor is one of those, “Well, we’re an ensemble, none of us is carrying the show we work together” sort of things, in which case, I can smile at that. (But if not, dude is the STAR as far as I’m concerned! I look forward to every Tyrion scene and would love more more more.)

          I’m pretty greedy, though, not gonna lie.

    • txvoodoo

      If they follow the books for the rest of this season, you will be equally rooting for Dany & Arya. (If I’m remembering correctly. After 3 glasses of wine. In otherwords, MAYBE NOT.)

      But yeah, the love for Tyrion, Arya and Dany is just shared so much. Apparently, having a Y in the name makes you AWESOME in GoTverse.

  • txvoodoo

    Is it bad that every time I read “Mormont” I think “Mormon” and my perspective shifts?

    “Jon goes to put the sword away, is accosted by all of his friends who chant “Sword! Sword!” like they’re ten years old, while Samwell Gamgee Porkins frets.”

    I figure, they’ve renounced sex, families, and pretty much all the good shit in life, so the boys in black take their fun where they can. SHINY POINTY THINGS!

    “Surely there are ways to have me killed that are less detrimental to the war effort!”

    Tyrion continues his “Made Of Win” streak.

    “Greyjoy just has a boner for murder, I think.”

    Theon’s an asshole and often does stupid things, but sometimes he’s wily. I think he thought if Robb killed Jaime, it’d bring down more wrath on Robb (like he needs more?) and clear the field for King Theon The Asshat.

    “Next week: we all marvel at how 1000 pages of fantasy novel has been condensed into ten perfect episodes as the writers wrap it up in a blood-soaked bow that smells of death and despair.”

    Ain’t that the truth? They’ve done a really wonderful job, especially considering the volume of complex info that had to get in there.

    • Is it bad that every time I wrote Mormont I wrote Mormon and had to do a find/replace?

      LOL, I just found it hilarious that the boys of Black were all super excited and chanty over a sword. HI THERE, SUBTEXT (wink).

      Greyjoy is really, really a dick. They tried to garner sympathy for his character in the beginning, but did the old “reveal his character to be the wonk he really is, deep down inside.” Like the trick where they show you an ugly girl, then take off her glasses and ponytail and she’s Magically Beautiful. But you know, revealed Theon to be Magically Dickish.

      My husband keeps biting his fist, wanting to tell me things about the book and how it’s amazing but I’ve told him that ANY INFORMATION is a spoiler and he knows to zip it. Ha.

  • barnswallowkate

    I’m a fellow haven’t-read-the-books watcher. I still can’t decide if I actually like this show, but I can’t stand waiting between episodes!

    I was worried about Drogo because his name is wayyyyy at the end of the credits, and I figured Sean Bean was safe because he’s the most famous person there & he’s at the front of the credits. My skills of deduction need some work, apparently. But that makes me hopeful that Drogo will stick around, even if he’s Zombie Drogo. His eyebrows just make me laugh so hard and I don’t want them to go away.

    I really hope Arya kills Joffrey eventually…

    • Wait, you can’t decide if you like the show?? I assume you mean that it’s so frustrating and emotional to engage in? Or am I projecting my own feelings here? Lol.

      I noticed that too, about Jason Momoa! And worried that it meant Bad THings To Come, but I also wonder if it’s just that he’s not as central a character as Daenerys is, and there were budget issues and LA LA LA I’M NOT LISTENING TO ANYTHING BAD, CRY CRY! Ha. I like that you noticed that about Sean Bean, I hadn’t thought of that, either. No one is safe! No one is a goner for sure! I don’t know anything anymore!

      Oooh, wouldn’t that just be delicious? How wonderful for Arya to best Joffrey Weaselteat in a fencing match where he tastes his last: Needle through his mouth and into his brain, muah ah ah!

      • barnswallowkate

        I think I’m really interested in the plot but there are very few characters I’m really loving and invested in. So I’m not constantly gushing over this show like I do with others. But to borrow a phrase from another recapping site, shit is constantly getting real, and I’m pretty hooked.

        I just realized it would be even better if Arya’s wolf comes back and they get to kill Joffrey together. Interspecies vengeance!

        • txvoodoo

          “I think I’m really interested in the plot but there are very few characters I’m really loving and invested in. “

          I think that’s the SMARTEST way of viewing this show.

          YES. WOLF/AWESOME GIRL VENGENCE!

    • txvoodoo

      Oh, you like the show. You just don’t KNOW it yet. In other words, it’s a classic romance novel trope love!

      Drogo’s eyebrows? WHAT ABOUT HIS MAYBELLINE? It is so seriously awesome. (and his pecs. Best pecs on tv, bar none.)

      I’ve read all the books and know what happens, and yet every week I sit hear yelling at my tv to whoever’s in the room with Joffrey “JUST KILL HIM. NOW. HE’S VERMIN!” :D Seriously, the only way he could be more obviously evil is to have an “EVIL” neon sign nailed to his forehead!

      • barnswallowkate

        So basically the next time I’m yelling at the show it will suddenly turn into me kissing the TV and all will be forgiven.

        His eyeliner and pecs are pretty epic. I did appreciate how his giant belt acts like a bustier when he sits/rides his horse. Nice lifting & separating.

        Joffrey is the worst. Maybe his mom will kill him now that she sees she’s not in charge of him? There are plenty more little blond boys where he came from.

        • txvoodoo

          And Cersei & Jaime can always make more…..(eww)

  • OMG!! Have I told you lately how much I love you. I know I resisted at first, but I finally followed your advice and watched the show.

    I have so many thoughts…thinky type thoughts…but I don’t know how to put them out there in any coherent form. But wait…you did that for me!!!

    My favorite characters are Daenerys, Tyrion, and Arya.

    I have no clue what else is going to happen with any of the characters, I’m just hoping they all show up next season. I haven’t read the books yet, so I’m worried that they second book/second season will focus on another family or different angle on the main story.

    • CJ I LOVE YOU. I am filled with FEELINGS that are almost too much for me, omg.

      They are my 3 faves, too. Love love love. I think we’ve met the majority of players/families, but I’ve not read the books, either. The Mr. is hinting that there aren’t major changes like all new families. continents, etc., but man, you just never know!

      I LOVE IT. Hold me, it’s almost over. :(

      • *holds you long time*

        I don’t want it to be over!! I’m going to be crying by the time it’s over, I just know it.

        I think I shall read instead of sleep tonight, then I can sleep at work tomorrow.

  • Tracey

    How are we supposed to go on without our Martin fix every Sunday night? HOW?

    • *cries*

      I DON’T KNOW! True Blood looks like it’s ramping up into serious cracksville, so that means thinking is off the table for summer. I say we drink the time away. (HA.)

  • I wasn’t spoiled, but I saw Ned’s execution coming. You can’t confess to treason in the public square and expect to live.
    But then, Ned lives in Heroic Fantasy Land (and Sansa was living in Pretty Princess Land), whereas everyone else is living in The Wire.

    • “whereas everyone else is living in The Wire” LOL! And 100% truth.

    • I quoted you on Twitter. So apt.

  • Sam

    God, this show is amazing. BRB COMPOSING A WOEFUL BALLAD TO NED STARK.

    • From Winterfell he came
      along with two children of his name
      his daughters Arya and Sansa.

      He then became Hand
      King Robert failed to rule the land
      Joffrey kept one girl as his ransom.

      Ned held to his honor
      Which insured he was a goner
      His head cut off in public – gruesome.

      To Ned, Fine Ned, that noble man
      Who cared for his family well.
      May his sons avenge him, and reclaim his name
      And send lousy Joffrey to hell.

      Amen.

      • txvoodoo

        *CLAP*

        *CLAP*

        *CLAP*

        *CLAP*

        • *doffs cap* O Danny Boy… the pipes, are calling…

          I think we’re going to need Season 1 Limerick day when it’s all done airing, just so we can keep ourselves entertained.

          • Tracey

            Wait, I’ve got one!

            THE BALLAD OF NED STARK AND THE FALSE QUEEN

            Strum lute, play flute and beat the drum,
            Lord Eddard Stark to King’s Landing’s come
            To wed his eldest daughter fair
            To a royal bully with yellow hair.

            No matter Prince Joffrey’s a coward who lies;
            No matter that those who cross him die;
            No matter his lying costs human life;
            Lady Sansa is curs’d to be his wife.

            Strum lute, play flute and beat the drum,
            Lord Eddard Stark to King’s Landing’s come.

            But Ned Stark–now the King’s own Hand,
            And the very kingdom at his command–
            Learns that the old Hand, claimed by the Stranger,
            Found a secret that put the whole kingdom in danger.

            Ned thought, as he sought, of queen false and fair…
            But the secret was writ in Joff’s gold hair.
            For a man with hair as black as night
            Does not sire a son with locks gold-white.

            Ned told the queen that he knew the truth;
            He granted her mercy, he gave her ruth.
            But Cersei feared him no more than another–
            What matter her children were those of her brother?

            Strum lute, play flute and beat the drum,
            Lord Eddard Stark to King’s Landing’s come.

            He bid both his daughters to pack and to flee,
            But his men were all butchered by Kingslayer Jaime.
            Boar’s tusks and strongwine did for Ned’s king-friend,
            Yet Ned found time for one raven to send,

            One message to Stannis, the dead king’s true heir:
            “Baratheon sons with Lannister hair.”

            Lord Renly (Rob’s brother, both handsome and gay)
            Proposed that they steal young Joffrey away
            From his mother and father; break family ties…
            But Joff was not royal. Ned would not tell lies.

            Strum lute, play flute and beat the drum,
            Lord Eddard Stark to King’s Landing’s come.

            He told the truth at the Iron Throne…
            But ended standing all alone,
            For the lords said nought as watchmen slew
            The remainder of Eddard Stark’s crew.

            Ill and imprisoned, athirst and afraid,
            Lord Eddard agreed to say what he was bade.
            He feared for his Sansa, still to be Joffrey’s wife,
            For his Arya–had Lannisters taken her life?

            And so he confessed to the greatest of lies,
            One that would blacken the sun in the skies.

            Mournful pipes sound in morning air,
            Ned Stark’s brought to Baelor’s Square.
            A sword descends. Beat the funeral drum.
            Winter is coming–no. Winter has come.

            • txvoodoo

              OH.MAH.GAWD.

              You’ve moved us from the (wonderfully) ridiculous to the (gloriously) sublime!

              • Tracey

                Awww. *blushes* Thank you.

            • THIS IS A THING OF BEAUTY.

              My god, thank you!

              • Tracey

                Oh, thank you! I’m so glad you like it!

            • Tracey, this was amazing! Well done!

              • Tracey

                Thank you! I’m very flattered! :-)

            • Wow. That was fantastic!

              • Tracey

                *beam* Thank you so very much!

            • barnswallowkate

              Wow! Well done!

              • Tracey

                Thank you so very much!

            • Sam

              SLOW CLAP OF APPRECIATION. That was fantastic.

              • Tracey

                *blushes* Thank you so very much. I’m very flattered!

      • Sam

        INSCRIBING THIS UPON MY EYELIDS.

  • Dragonbone

    Just a correction re: Daenerys.

    Dany wouldn’t be killed if Khal Drogo died; she’d be taken back to Vaes Dothraki to become a dosh khaleen (wise old crone that all of the Dothraki respect), which is what happens to all Khaleesi when their Khal dies. The baby, Rhaego, would be killed however because he was prophesied to be this great warrior who would unite all Dothraki tribes (i.e. competition) and his badass Khal daddy wouldn’t be around to protect him.

    • Oh, cool to know! Those of us that are just watching the show would have no way of knowing that, seeing as Ser Jorah was all “Let’s put an egg in our shoe and beat it, or we’ll get killed and your baby fed to the dogs.”

      It’s going to be awesome to finally read the books and get the depth of the world GRRM has created.

  • txvoodoo

    You wanna schedule a (re)read at some point? I think it’d be fun!

    • I do, too! Someone else mentioned it. It’s going to need to wait until later in the summer, though. My dance card is getting kinda full. ;)

    • Tracey

      Oooh, that would be great! Only please–AFTER the fifth book comes out, at long last!

  • I’m almost speechless.

    El Jefe was all, HOW CAN YOU BE SURPRISED? and I was all: HE’S LISTED FIRST IN THE OPENING CREDITS AND JASON MOMOA IS JUST LISTED AS SPECIAL GUEST! YOU CAN’T KILL OFF THE LEAD ACTOR. UNHEARD OF!

    Ugh.

    Okay, I’m still trying to process everything that happened. And I have to say I am SO WORRIED ABOUT WHAT IS HAPPENING INSIDE THAT TENT with Dany and Drogo and the horse and the geepsee and I kinda think I know what’s gonna go down and I don’t think I like it. Nope. Not one bit.

    Tyrion is made of awesome. And is there anyone else who thinks his new lady-love is of royal descent. (Foriegn, of course) And I think she’s perfect for him and I think they should be together, forever, Amen. But then, I’m a big ol’ girl like that.

    Arya is going to kick some ass and I definitely think she needs to kill Joffery and the Queen. And then take the crown for her own damn self. hehe. Does anyone else feel sorry for the poor herped up boy who she’s going to be betrothed to? She’s going to make him into minced-meat because she is THE AWESOME.

    This show had me at hello and I am not ready for it to be over.

    • I KNOW THAT IS WHAT IS SO AMAZING! They killed off the LEAD (by credit listing standards, at least. It *is* an ensemble, blah blah.) But how amazing is that?!

      When I said that no one was safe, boy did I not get just how true that would turn out to be. I am SO worried about that tent and Drogo and Dany and the Ghost of Riders Past and whatever Yanoosh is up to.

      Oooooooh, I hadn’t thought of that! How awesome would that be, OH WHAT IF SHE’S DROGO’S SISTER OR SOMETHING? I can’t wait to find out more. One more ep, WHAT????

  • Maxwell James

    As another lurker, just want to say I’ve been enjoying the hell out of your recaps, which have cracked me up every time. Since I’m well-acquainted with the books I’ll probably avoid commenting much to avoid spoiling anything, but just know you’ve gained a bunch of new readers recently.

    PS – loved the “Thor” recap as well.

    • Thanks so much! I have a sneaking suspicion that I have you to thank for the rec over at winter-is-coming.net, so a tip o’ my hat to you, sir.

      I don’t know how well I’ll be able to hold out on not reading ahead, seeing as I’m in love with the material, but I’m looking into adding a feature where those of you who are familiar with the story can talk with spoiler text blacked out for folks who are just watching the show blind.

      Thanks again, and I’ll make sure Sam knows there is more praise for her hilarious Thor recap!

      • Maxwell James

        There may be something to that ;-).

        As for the books – I certainly won’t discourage you as they are amazing, and afford pleasures the show doesn’t have the budget or the time for. It all goes into whether you prefer to get your surprises by watching or by reading. But for what it’s worth, it really is impressive how closely the showrunners have followed the source material so far.

  • Maxwell James

    I’ll make sure Sam knows there is more praise for her hilarious Thor recap!

    Damn, and I totally thought that was you – probably because it made me laugh so much. Well, it’s good to know that all your writers have the gift!

    • No worries! I’m the admin/creator, so it makes sense. I’m trying to keep the funny here, so I’m glad to know everyone seems to be bringing it, thank you!

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  • Suzanne

    One: What is your name? Two: What is your quest? And Three: What is the airspeed velocity of an unladen swallow? Seeing as Filch-Frey didn’t specify a European or African swallow, they are allowed to pass. Ah, the classics.

    I still wish I hadn’t accidentally spoiled myself for this ep. “It’s just the penultimate episode, what could happen?” D’oh!

    I enjoyed the hell out of Tyrion in this episode, but I always enjoy Tyrion, so no shock there. I’m really pleased with the way Robb is shaping up. Typically the rightful heir has to be an entitled asshole while the much maligned bastard is the interesting one (yes, I’ve read lots of historical fiction) but he actually has layers! And wolves! And things! Gah. One more ep left (for me.)

    • I am so sad about you having been spoiled, too. Man, those of us that were watching it fresh were freaking out. Surely they’re not gonna… BUT HE’S THE LEAD! THEY- OH MY GOD!

      I like that Robb is a good kid – the honor gene is strong in the Starks – and so is Jon. Greyjoy has been on my list for a while, but he’s coming around, too.