Glee! 1.02 – Showmance

 

I miss the pamphlets, comedy gold.

Bingo card is here. Tonight’s cocktail is Lie To Me (because honey, this drink will lie about how tipsy you gone get.)

 


Rachel bitches to Mr. Schue about who knows what when Finn walks up and takes her bag like a gentleman. ADORBS. Mr. Schue pushes on past Mercedes and Tina, and waves hello to Puck and Kurt. Puck smiles, “Buenos Nachos, Mr. Schue.” It’s the morning dumpster toss for Kurt, it seems. Kurt has a look of rage on his face to which his teacher is apparently immune.

“WAIT!” he screams at the toughs. Kurt tosses his attaché aside (that’s Italian leather, I thank you) and tells the gang, “One day you will all work for me.” Into the dumpster he goes.

Emma accidentally on purpose runs into Will on his way to Sue’s office, and it seems to just be for her daily dreamy sigh. Will smiles and heads into Sue’s.

“Iron tablet? Keep your strength up while you menstruate,” Sue offers. I miss early Sue with her quips. Turns out that Will needs 12 students to compete at Sectionals/Regionals/Nationals/Worldunals, so he should just go ahead and give up so she can get their budget.

 

Will: “I know you’re used to being the cock-of-the-walk–”

Sue: “Offensive.”

Will: “–around here.”

 

Quinn demands that Finn quit this horse shit that is Glee Club – their popularity is on the line, omg! If he does, she’ll let him touch her boobs.

 

Finn: Under the shirt?

Quinn: Over the bra.

 

Honey, you need to give him some side boob at least. Finn sticks to his guns and to Glee. Rachel eavesdropped on their conversation up until Finn left and Quinn busted her. “Time for some girl talk, man-hands. You can dance with him, you can sing with him but you will never have him.”

Famous last words, Bottle Blond. Rachel whips around, triumphant, and promptly gets slushied.

Ahhh, Freak Out! Not Rachel, not you, that’s what Glee is singing. Wow, it’s really, really painful, but Mr. Schue is reliving his glory years when disco was in a retro-comeback. Mercedes hates it with the force of a thousand suns and Kurt tells Mr. Schue “it’s gay.”

Oh, Mr. Schue, when the boy with glitter eyelash extensions tells you something is gay…

After school Will and Shrewi go house hunting and Shrewi only wants to know how many Christmas trees will come with it, and how soon can they put in all of the upgrades they can’t afford? It seems that now that a (fake) baby is on the way, they need a bigger place, even though their apartment has two bedrooms. (But one is Terri’s craft room! And who cares that there are nine foreclosures on their block, those are used houses, Will. That’s filthy.  They’re probably filled with dead skin cells and worms.) She works some kind of voodoo or Santeria on Will and gets him to sign.

Kurt and Mercedes eye each other warily in the music room with Kurt ordering her to call him before she attempts to dress herself. Ha. Will enters, totally excited and says they’ll ditch the disco for today’s lesson and go modern.  Hooray!  How about some Kanye! Finn, you take lead, ha ha, just kidding, I SHALL RAP THIS FOR YOU CHILDREN. [Drink!]

Will white man raps nice and awkward to “Gold digger” (Now I ain’t sayin’ you a gold digger, you got needs. You want a dude to smoke, but he can’t buy weed.) There’s a montage of Terri being awful as Will bounces to the beat and the kids back up their teacher. Way to let the kids have a chance, buddy!  [DRINK again because I’m thirsty, and really, it’s their class, Mr. Schue.]  Kurt flails around the few times the camera is on him. Bless baby Kurt, he just hasn’t had enough dance practice, I guess. He was built for songs from the likes of Cabaret and Gypsy, not hip-hop.

Emma is in the bathroom and hears Rachel coughing, which in tv land means puking. Rachel says that she was trying to make herself puke, but evidently she doesn’t have a gag reflex.

Emma: One day when you’re older that’ll turn into a blessing. [DRINK! Well, she’s not Will, but that’s still deliciously naughty. And true.]

She gives Rachel a pamphlet [“So You Like Throwing Up!” – oh, the pamphlets! So damn funny, every time they used that gag.] Rachel asks her if she’s ever liked someone so much that she locked herself up in a room to cry and sing sad songs?

Cut to: Emma in her car, rain beating against the window, she sobs out, “All By Myself…. Don’t wanna be!” She answers Rachel, “NO.” She offers some advice. Find out what Finn is into, get involved, and maybe he’ll see you in a different light. Rachel strokes her chin and narrows her eyes. Figuratively.

Jump Cut to Principal Figgins’ office where Sue is seething. Finn and Rachel are sitting there looking guilty.

Sue: Tell them what I caught you doing!

Finn: It just sort of…happened?

Rachel: I don’t mean to be rude, but she’s over reacting.

There’s naughty janitor closet sex happening? No, they just used Sue’s printer to make “Sign Up For Glee!” posters. They pay her back the change it cost in materials, like a buck fitty.  Ha, but I would have preferred the closet sex.

In class, the kids keep petitioning to lose the disco, but Will, with his unfulfilled feelings overwhelming him and his anger at being henpecked by Shrewi threatening to blow, he won’t give in to the kids. Good job transferring your rage onto your students, Mr. Schue. [DRINK!]

Will and Terri sit in the tub together [DRINK! Also, I think the writers have a Schoner, a Schuester nude boner] and he tells her that he can’t find a second job. She’s mad because what about her marble foyer? She is tired of compromising her dreams, Will.   Will she never be given the champagne wishes and caviar dreams that she’s imagined she deserves?

Celibacy Club has a meeting, and Rachel wants to join. The girls meet by themselves and talk about how great it is to be a tease (“It’s all about the teasing and not about the pleasing!”) while the boys meet and talk about cold showers and copping feels over thick sweaters. Finn has a problem with “arriving early” so he thinks about the time he learned to drive and hit (and almost killed) the mail man.

Rachel’s fed up with the girls, and when the boys join them, she tells them all that they should be learning about contraception.

Quinn: Don’t you dare use the C word!

Rachel spills the big secret: girls think about sex as much as boys do. Preach on, preacher! [Truth drink!] Finn starts to look at her in a new way, just like Emma said! Part of me wishes Rachel would let her mustache grow so she could twirl it in instances like this. [Please, with that thick head of hair?  It’s only a manner of time.]

Will takes on a second job as a janitor and is busted by Emma, who was working late. She comes in and helps him clean (she’s a pro, what with her OCD) and they have some inappropriate flirting, seeing as he’s (unhappily and thus unfulfilled) married.

Rachel calls an emergency meeting of the Glee Club. They have to learn a new song for the upcoming assembly, because Freak Out is going to get them killed. CUT TO: the assembly where Mr. Schuester sits, delighted that he’s going to hear the kids sing a song he loves because Glee is starting to fulfill him, and it’s all about him.

“Ah, hiss! Push it! Puh-push it real it good!” [Inappropriate song choice: DRINK!] The kids writhe and fake-bone on stage singing Sawlt-n-Peppa (yo yo yo yo baby pop!) and Kurt groin thrusts like he spent the last three years “swabbing the deck” on the SS Twink. Finn tries to rap (bless) and stumbles at first when he sees the jocks staring at him. Bet they’re not thinking it’s gay anymore when he starts pumping his groin at Rachel’s backside, huh?  Ah, hiss, push it!

Principal Figgins sits quietly, swaying to the beat with his eyes closed, because he has the music in him. They end and there is complete silence for the count of three then Jacob Ben Israel (Jewish stereotype) jumps up, barely remembering to hide the tent he’s pitched in his Dockers and shrieks, “YES!” Everyone erupts in cheers. Remember, folks, sex sells.

Mr. Schue is livid. He sits in Sue’s office, fuming.

Sue: “That was the most offensive thing I’ve seen in twenty years of teaching, and that includes an elementary school production of Hair.” Ahahahaha.

Her recommendation? Foster care for the Glee Club, and ASAP. Figgins doesn’t care , because the students seemed to like it. So, he’s cutting the Cheerio’s dry cleaning in Europe Bill (they just really understand how to get sweat odor out of clothing over there, okay?) and gives it to the Glee Club for uniforms.

During all of this, Emma furiously scrubs each grape before eating it as Ken Tenaka ambles over in his polyester short pants. He slides two tickets over, but it’s with love, not with blackmail. Because that sounds so mean, and he just really wants to force her to love him, instead of how he’s noticed her forcing herself on Will, wanting him to love her. Ken is kinda a good guy, he tells her. He won’t hit her and earns a steady paycheck. Oh, be still my heart! What little girl doesn’t dream of a man like that? Why, I as a girl used to make my Ken doll almost slap Barbie across the face, then lovingly take her hand and say that he would never follow through on that, he only wanted her to know what he was capable of. And he would keep them in Dream Houses and costumes for ever.

I mentioned I’m from a broken home, right?

Speaking of awkward things, Rachel has lured Finn to practice their duet on the stage where she has set up a picnic blanket meal, complete with comfy cushions, you know, just in case anyone feels like they should lay down. On top of someone. Finn gives her some praise and says that even though he now makes a habit of checking under his bed at night to see if she’s hiding under there, he thinks she’s kinda cool.

She tells him he can kiss her if he wants to, he does, they do, he gets… excited and immediately flashes to the image of almost killing the mail man so he doesn’t have to change out of his shorts. He’s flustered and runs off, confusing Rachel even more.

Shrewi goes to the doctor to prove she’s pregnant, except for how she can’t because she’s not. The doctor tells her it’s a hysterical pregnancy (pssht, they’re all hysterical at one point or another.)

Back at Glee, Quinn, Santana and Brittany audition. I, wait, what? Oh, they knock out a version of “I Say A Little Prayer For You” that’s a little breathy on Quinn’s part and totally lip-synched on the part of the others (but we know they can sing later on, so whatevs.) But what on earth is going on? Sue is using them as spies to destroy Glee Club from the inside, and Quinn is using it to keep her claws in Finn.

Will, feeling fulfilled, flirts a bit with Emma who tells him to knock that shit out, he has a pregnant wife at home and it’s just unseemly. But you know, all super polite and stuff. Plus she drops the bombshell that she’s now dating Ken Tanaka, and honey, no one wants to follow that up. Good job on keeping Will away. Will races home to his wife, who tells him it’s a boy. You know, the fake baby. And she doesn’t want him to work two jobs to give her a marble foyer, she’s happy with her (fake) baby and him in their little (totally adequate) apartment.

Well, everything is going to work out and trudge along as we expect, it seems. EXCEPT WAIT, is that a Journey song? Because that means dreams aren’t dead, guys, DON’T STOP BELIEVING. Well, Rachel, you can stop believing because Quinn gets the lead. Will says, “Rachel, you won’t always be the star.”

Rachel expresses her many many feelings through song, “Take a Bow,” specifically, as she watches Finn and Quinn happily portmanteauing with interchangeable names (see? It can go either way and not change anything!) and dreams of not going anywhere. Rachel gets watery eyes [DRINK!] and we’re left wondering if we should stop believing. Guys, I’m not gonna lie. I’m not going to stop.

 

Drunken Thoughts: The fake pregnancy bit was the one misstep, I thought. Not because it didn’t have the potential for hilarity and drama, but because there was no where to go with Terri. The actress playing her is so talented, and she gives it all she has, but I felt bad for her for drawing such a one-note role. She has fabulous hair, though. I also like to imagine that all of the musical numbers that are meant to not be heard by the other cast members are only heard by Figgins, which is why he’s a little nutso. (And why he loves Glee.)

More drinkin’-n-singin’ tomorrow, honey badgers!

On to Acafellas, episode 3 here!

 

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