Game of Thrones – 1.10 Fire and Blood

“Oh, the things I’m gonna do to the Lannisters. So, so many painful things…”

GORE! BEHEADINGS! FLOCK OF RAVENS! We begin this last quest in utter mayhem. Blood and.. bits cling to the end of the bastard sword (hey, it’s a hand and a half hilt, and this chick knows her weaponry!) but Arya sees none of it, clasped tightly in Yoren’s embrace. He keeps calling her “boy” and she fights that until, derp, ah yes, she’s a boy! Riiiiight. The Lannisters are looking for Ned’s daughter, they’re not looking for a filthy orphaned boy. He drags her to an alleyway and cuts off her hair to help with her disguise.

Bran has another vision of his father in the dungeons, led there by the three-eyed raven. And now we see that the story warned us of this back in Episode 2. Well played, show, well played. Roll your D6 to see how many other bits of foreshadowing you may have missed.

Tonks carries Bran down as he tells her of his dream and catches her up on the family history when his little brother, Rickon, and his direwolf Shaggy Dog, bolt out of the shadows like this is a horror movie. He also had a dream that their father was there. Tonks carries Bran back to the sunlight, telling him that of course he dreamed about his father, he misses him. Maester Luwin, his face filled with sorrow, holds a note that undoubtedly tells of Ned’s death. So much for that theory, Tonks.

And a side note, I could not help but notice that Osha (Tonks) looks like a peasant version of Teresa Guidice from The Real Housewives of New Jersey. Probably because of the wide set eyes and touch of crazy.

Cate, on the far side of the Twins, walks somberly through the camp, the bannermen bowing and kneeling before her. She makes it to a small copse before stumbling and crying. She hears a noise that snaps her out of her grief and finds Robb attacking some asshole tree that was totally responsible for his father’s death. Serves that tree right, the filthy bastard. Robb is chopping at it like a mad man until his mother stays his hand.

She tells him off for wrecking his sword (‘snot like they’re just lying about the woods, then, are they? That’s castle-forged steel, that is! Sword Trees are a lie your brother told you, just like the Boob Hedges.) and he says he wants to kill them all. Oh, don’t worry, dearest. Mummy is going to help you lead your army to King’s Landing, then you’ll get your sisters, and then you’ll kill them all. The Ren Höek quality of her, “Oh, the things I’m gonna do to you,” evil smile is delicious. This is not a woman to mess with. Hell, this is not a family to mess with!

Back in King’s Landing, the world’s worst minstrel sings a tuneless song with poor rhyme and meter before King Joffrey and the court. It’s clearly a bawdy song meant to embarrass the Queen and the Royal Family, and take in for a second how clever (and awful and horrible and awful) Joffrey is here. Some poor wretch sings a ditty in a pub on the outskirts of town, and Joffrey makes a point of dragging him in to make an example. When the song is over, Joffrey starts a slow clap.

“Tell me, which do you favor? Your fingers or your tongue?”

Oh, shit.

“Um, well, every man needs hands, your Grace.” And kudos to the “bard” for managing to slip in a dick joke as all hell prepares to break loose.

“Good! Tongue it is.”

King Weaselteat is trying – and succeeding – at shedding the previous image he had, that of a sniveling toad that was bested by the little sister of his betrothed. Of the whiny, petulant brat that was slapped three times in quick succession by his dwarf uncle (Best. Moment. Ever.) He sneered at his mother’s command to let Ned live at the Wall, and he’ll be damned if anyone in the Seven Kingdoms ever laughs at him again. Yikes.

The executioner heats up a skean dhu and gets the pliers. Oh holy Mary mother of Roger the Shrubber. He’s not going to stick around and watch, is King Weaselteat, he’s going to leave the rest of the day’s business to his mother, the Queen. He bids Sansa to follow him as the bard gags on his lack of tongue and gush of blood in the back ground.

Side note, Joffrey could have leveled up if only he employed the Dothraki method of de-tonguing, like a real King. I’m just saying, that’s how you earn street cred, Weaselteat.

He tells Sansa how nice she looks as he leads her outside to a catwalk over the city. Because he’s a romantic, he butters her up with some flowery sweet talk. “And as soon as you have your first blood I’ll put a son in you. Mother says,“ (oh gag,) “that shouldn’t be long.”

How sexy is it to know your future husband talks about your period to your mother in law? That’s so sexy it hurts.

Weasleteat continues the best date ever. “And oh, hey, lookee there, it’s your father’s bleeding, fly-covered head!” Sansa’s reasonably horrified and refuses to look. Joffrey doesn’t play like that, so he adopts his best “I am Your King!” voice and orders her to look. She does. “For how long shall I look, Your Grace?” Until he damn well says you can look away, how dare you be sarcastic with your obedience!

Sansa is growing some spine throughout these horrible events. He makes her look at her nurse’s head and then tells her that after he raises his armies and kills Robb, he’ll make it a Very Special Christmas and give her Robb’s head as a gift, won’t that be nice?

“Maybe he’ll give me yours.” Bonus 10 points to Speech for Sansa!

Weaselteat lives up to his name by ordering his guard to slap her across the face, because it’s not right for a King to hit his woman. You know, Draco Malfoy ain’t got nothing on this prick. Sansa realizes how high up they are and moves towards Joffrey with a big ol’ push on her mind. The Hound stops her, realizing her intent even though Joffrey is too blind by his own awesome to realize what almost happened.

Robb Stark, still with his head, is discussing what comes next with his bannermen lords. One suggests they throw their support behind Renly, but that’s no good, says Robb, because he’s not in succession, Stannis is. McGregor the Goat Fucker stands and tries to flip them the bird, before he remembers Robb’s direwolf ate his middle finger. He turns to the lords and says that he doesn’t care two shits about the idiots in King’s Landing, as far as he’s concerned, he’s looking at his King. He kneels before Robb, draws his sword, and cries, “To the King of the North!” Greyjoy also swears fealty to Robb, and I guess he’s not a complete dick. Good for him.

All of the lords cry out their allegiance to Winterfell and to Robb. “The King of the North!” rings out across the woods and the camp of 18,000 men. It’s pretty damn awesome.

Cate later goes to where Jaime Lannister is being held captive. Cate picks up a big ol’ rock. He’s clearly been worked over, but damn if this guy doesn’t have a mouth on him. He flirts and hurts with equal measure, “Widowhood becomes you. Is that why you came, for a little pinch and tickle? Lemme see what I can muster up…”

ROCK JAW! She’s got a Melee of at least 55 to inflict that kind of damage with such a weapon. He just laughs it off, ’tis only a scratch, because he really and truly does not fear death. (Much like Ned didn’t either, they’re soldiers. They face death every time they go to work.) I wonder what he actually does fear. Hmm.

She asks him how Bran fell from that tower. “I pushed him.”

“Why?!”

“I hoped the fall would kill him.”

“…why?”

“Because he saw me tagging my sister, oh, I bang my sister like she’s a screen door in a tornado, and I wasn’t too keen on people finding out about that, what with the whole Targaryens ruining the incest is best, put your sister to the test fun. Oops, I said too much.”

Actually, he says nothing on the subject, just tells her to get some sleep. It’s going to be a long war. (And Winter is Coming.)

Speaking of bile rising in the throat, back in King’s Landing a horribly thin and naked boy sits in a leather chair as Queen Cercei brushes her hair (100 strokes a night!) Why, it’s another family member, the Wine Boy, Lancel Lannister. So that’s how it is in the family. It’s not just Jaime and Cercei. Good hell. I guess family get-togethers are easy to arrange – you only need half the number of beds, HEY-O!

At the Lannister camp (I couldn’t count beds to prove my theory, sorry) they’ll all arguing what’s to be done. Robb has Jaime, Jaime’s army has scattered, and it seems that Stannis and Renly have joined forces. Robb Stark is turning out to be far more clever than they had thought. Maybe they could broker peace without looking like weaklings?

Tyrion dashes his wine glass to the ground, which shatters. There’s your object lesson, folks, it’ll be easier to drink out of that than get Robb Stark to the table. Way to go, Joffrey, with the killing of his dad, now there are no bargaining chips. Tywin’s ears perk up. He sends everyone away except Tyrion. It seems he’s finally realized his son is smart. Like, really smart, and not just a smart ass.

Tywin will send 500 of their men to burn Riverrun to the ground, the rest will go back to their hall, and Tyrion will go to Kings Landing to rule from the position of The Hand. He’ll get that brat of a kid to STFU, and his little mom, too, or do what’s necessary to make them shut up. If anyone grumbles about things, “Heads, spikes, walls,” Tyrion finishes.

Finally, his daddy notices him! Oh, he noticed quite a bit. And he will not bring that new whore of his to court, understand? Boo. (Pfft, he talks with Shae, he’s totally going to bring her.)

Daenerys wakes up and finds the Dorthraki have all left. All but the Sheep People, Yanoosh, Dany’s man servert, handmaid, and Jorah, good, loyal Jorah. She wants her son. Oh, Dany.

Her son did not make it. He was still born. Daenerys wants to know the horrible details, and it is Yanoosh who answers her. It was a monster, scaled like a lizard (oh, really?) and had leathery wings (OH REALLY?) and the skin fell off when she touched it. This happened because Dany entered the tent when the ghost horse was screaming, the dead were walking in the yurt, and Yanoosh told her that the blood magic demands a life. So the magic took Dany’s baby dragon, eh?

She demands to be taken to her husband, to see what she “paid for” with her son’s life. Oh, Dany. Drogo is essentially in a coma. Alive, but not living. Yanoosh! Ptooey, ptooey, you and your geepsee treeks! Yanoosh is quite smug and leaves Dany to her vegetable husband. But Daenerys Targaryen knows that she has nothing more to fear from this woman.

Yanoosh tells her that now her son will not burn any cities when he grows. You see, the Dothraki burned her temple. Killed her people. Raped her body, yes, even before Dany thought she was saving her. So Yanoosh speets on her “saving” because what did she save, really? Woman, you just said this Silver Lady gave birth to something with wings, and you taunt her a second-ah time? Pay back, she is a bitch, yes?

At the Wall, Jon Snow is sneaking away like a thief in the Night’s Watch. Porkins stands before him, telling him he’s supposed to stay on target, the target not being a thermal exhaust port two meters wide (approximately the size of a womp rat) but rather the duty of the Wall. Jon’s not hearing it. He rides past Porkins, knocking him over, and continues out into the night.

After a period, he is perused by riders, and when one of them falls, Jon recognizes the voice as Samwell Gamgee Porkins, and circles around. It’s Porkins and Pyp and the other guy, and they remind him that he made an oath. Jon didn’t say he’d do something, he made an oath. They repeat it back to him, and it’s quite moving. Porkins hands him the Sword of Puncturing, now imbued with Honor Strength.

The next day Maester Mormont lets Jon know that he’s well aware he tried to desert his post last night, but honor – which made him leave – is what brought him back. “No, my friends brought me back,” Jon says. “I didn’t say who’s honor,” is Mormont’s reply. Jon better get his head in the game, because reports are coming in from all over that dead are rising, towns are burning, and shit is getting real. What’s more important, who sits on a metal throne, or the blue-eyed Predafremen that are on their way?

Mormon gets the Knights of the Night to saddle up, they’re going north of the wall in force to see what’s coming. Jon joins them, and it’s pretty impressive, all of the riders moving under the wall to face who knows what.

Daenerys bathes Drogo and tells him of her love for him. He’s completely unresponsive. She spends hours with him, stroking his face, kissing him, dressing his body, begging him to come back to her. Nothing. She grabs a pillow and smothers him to death, sobbing with grief. He fights, feebly, and dies. She manages an ACHIEVEMENT UNLOCK: The Pern Offense. Oh, Dany! What a day you’ve had. (But hey, it’s not over.) Not gonna lie, I got choked up. Oh, Drogo, you throat ripping chunk of manhood. Farewell, Khal.

Grandmaester Flash grumbles and fumbles his way through a meandering tale without point or reason as a whore (Ros, of course, who else would it be?) dresses herself after… ugh, I don’t want to think what. She rolls her eyes and yawns and he finally stumbles to a close as she leaves. Oh, and then he’s all Whee!Spry doing backflips and Warrior III poses and then bench presses two-hundred and fifty pounds and lets fly a might fart of manhood and strength and we learn that he’s been exaggerating his age and feebleness so he can stay alive. Guys, I’m not going to lie here, either: I don’t care. Most boring secret ever.

Baelish and Fester spar verbally in the throne room, and it turns out that Baelish is quite interested in what may or may not dangle off ol’ Fester. “Do you spend a lot of time wondering what’s between my legs?” Fester asks, Baelish guesses there’s just a gash, a la Let The Right One In, to which Fester retorts, “Do you lie awake at night fearing my gash?”

I am going to have that cross stitched on a pillow and I shall carry it with me everywhere I go. Also, dibs on a Grrl Riot Band, “Fearsome Gash.” I’m going to play accordion. That shoots out daggers. And bad ass G minor chords.

They both acknowledge that they fear and admire one another, hold hands and promise to keep in touch after this summer is over, because really, it’s just been the best. Baelish grabs a puff paint pen to sign Fester’s robes, but the King enters and they have to go back to work.

Yoren will now refer to Arya as “Arry” and she’s to remember that she’s now hiding amongst a den of thieves and rapists (fun for a growing girl!) and for Pete’s sake, go to the woods to take a piss. He leaves her with the men he’s dragging off to the Wall and she promptly gets in a fight with a couple of Chavs. One of them tells her how he done kicked a bloke to deaf, he did, just kept stompin’ on ‘him until there weren’t nuffink left. So ‘ows about passin’ that blade over, eh?

She whips it out and jabs Needle at his wobbling neck meat. She just looooves killing fat boys, in fact, she killed one just the other day, and she just bets that he didn’t kick no one to death, so how about he backs the hell off? At that point, Gendry, the handsome blue eyed bastard of (former) King Robert, saunters over and threatens the punks, too. They put eggs in their shoes and get the fuck out of there, and Gendry lets “Arry” know that his master no longer required an apprentice, so to the Wall it is for him, as well.

The whole shebang moves out, 1000 leagues to the north wall, and they’re walking the whole way. Cripes, Arya, you have become one of my three top characters. (Tyrion and Daenerys round out the trio, natch. But Robb and Jon are getting close.) I am so excited to see where this character goes. Which means that I can’t read Book 2 until Season 2 ends, and why am I doing this to myself?! Oh, right, because I love being surprised, that’s why.

But as with all series, you save your jaw dropping moments for the end.

Daenerys has placed her beloved in a shroud and built a funeral pyre for him. As she moves to carry the three dragon eggs to him (I would just like to interject that what’s about to happen, I had been wishing for ever since those damn eggs were mentioned in episode 1 and had Yankee Candles in “fresh linen” scent burning nearby,) Jorah stops her.

He wants her to sell them, but she refuses. That’s not what they’re for. He knows what she intends, or so he thinks, and he will not watch her die. She holds his cheek, is sad for him for not understanding, and gives him a kiss. Jorah is made to bind Yanoosh to the funeral pyre. She turns to the remainder of the Sheep People and the few Dothraki servants that stayed. She will give them their freedom, if they stay with her.

“I am Daenerys Stormborn. I AM THE DRAGON’S DAUGHTER.” She will make sure that the people that hurt them will die screaming.

“You will not hear me scream,” Yanoosh replies, calmly.

“I will. But it is not your screams I want. Only your life.” I’M SORRY, BUT DID SOMEONE CALL IN THE BIG BOSS? Because that’s what you’re getting, bitches.

The fire is lit. Yanoosh begins chanting something until the fire begins to consume her and she screams. Holy Sheep Witch, could there be much worse in this life than burning to death? Her screams are horrible and Daenerys ignores them. She walks into the fire [“Walk into the fire, and let it buuuuuuuurn, let it buuuuuurn!” Sorry, once a Buffy fangirl, always a Buffy fangirl.]

Her clothes alight, she lays with Drogo, and the flames fly higher into the night.

Morning comes and Jorah forces himself to the ashes, to see what is left of his lady. Daenerys Targaryen sits naked among the ashes, her clothing having burned away, and three newly hatched dragons cling to her body.

BECAUSE YOU CANNOT BURN A DRAGON. That shit just isn’t a saying! Fire and Blood, that’s a saying, and that’s the motto of House Targaryen, which has not been wiped from the land, I thank you.

Jorah falls to his knees before her, shocked. “Blood of my blood!” he cries.

She stands, the dragons climb her body and everyone kneels before her. One of the dragons cries out and the sound carries a warning across the wasteland.

Dragons have returned to the Seven Kingdoms.

 

HOW, how, how are we to wait until spring of 2012, you hateful (so, so beloved) network, HBO? Did they deliver, or what? Guys, hold me. Or help me rig up an electrode off City Hall, because come next lightning strike, I’m riding that 1.21gigawatts straight to the next season. Now to find a Flux Capacitor…

[DISCUSSION/COMMENTS ARE LOVED!  Just remember that we’re generally SHOW watchers, not BOOK readers, so no book spoilers, please!]

 

ONWARD TO SEASON 2, FRIENDS!

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  • Katy

    ACHIEVMENT UNLOCK: The Pern Offense.

    OMG you know PERN? I totally want the dragons in the Pern movie (which I’ve read is in production) to be CGI’ed by whichever company did these dragons.

    Fester retorts, “Do you lie awake at night fearing my gash?” I am going to have that cross stitched on a pillow and I shall carry it with me everywhere I go.

    I cross stitch, I could totally do that for you.

    I’m debating whether or not to read the books now, or stay unspoiled for season 2. The angst!

    • Do I know Pern? Does Michael Whelan paint almost ever cover for every fantasy series ever? B-) I thought the dragons last night were outstanding. Really well done. I think the lighting used and the fact that she was covered in ash helped sell the reality. SO AWESOME.

      You would make my Chrismaskwanannuhkahstice the best ever if I got that under my tree/festivus pole.

      Man, I am torn. TORN! Do I read? Do I wait? Do I freeze myself in carbonite, hang myself in a grotoesque (yet powerful) crime lord’s party room until the next season starts? I DON’T KNOW WHAT TO DOOOOOO.

  • Now you (and everyone else who watches!) get why us lovers of the books have been screaming their praises for years! And it gets better. OMG so much better. There’s a scene in Book 3 that still gives me the shivers every time I read it because it is AWESOME.

    READ THE BOOKS! You can still be surprised when you watch the show! They are adding all kinds of things for us book readers to enjoy. Seriously. Roz wasn’t in the books, and the tete a tete between Littlefinger and Varys aren’t in there either. And they didn’t spell out the gay between Renly and Loras as strongly. Trust me, you’ll still be stoked to watch the show…read the books! And you get an extra bonus – book 5 comes out in July. Which I’ve been waiting for since 2005. SIX YEARS. You’ll be waiting mere weeks. Doooo eeet!

    • I went off fiction for several years (and became horribly boring and depressed – nonfiction tends to not be too happy in places) and surprisingly it was my husband (who never reads for pleasure anymore) who has been trying to get me to read them. Now I’m torn, TORN!! But all of the big plot lines were so delightful to be surprised by, I just… oh, I have months to decide. I’m definitely going to start reading Book 1, I just don’t know if I’m going to be able to hold off. Lol.

      BUT. If I hold off, I could have book 6 AND 7 out and not have to wait, what, 15 years like those that have been involved since the first printing? UGH, that is insane, I already had to do that with Stephen King (Dark Tower) and don’t know if I have it in me. I AM NOT THE DAUGHTER OF A DRAGON.

      (hee.)

      • txvoodoo

        FWIW, I’ve read all the books and am totally enjoying every moment of the show!

  • Holy hell, what a ride! And what a recap! You’ve impressed me with both the Ren & Stimpy and Buffy musical references. My hat’s off to you. (See? It’s on that hat rack over there.)

    I’m in complete and total agreement with you on all the awesomeness above… except for the boring secret part. Have you learned nothing throughout the course of this first season? You don’t let something like that drop without a payoff down the line! This will come into play, mark my words. I just hope it’s not a “Aha, now you will witness the power of my fully armed and operational meat popsicle!” kind of moment. Bleh.

    Also, that final scene when Jorah sees Dany and her dragons made me lose it. I WANNA SEE EPIC DRAGON/DIREWOLF FIGHTS! If they can deliver on that in Season Two, they will have totally won me over.

    Finally, I can’t wait to see the Hand bitch slap the King some more in Season Two. :D

    (And totally finally, IS IT SPRING 2012 YET? No? …Dammit.)

    • Ren & Stimpy, great cartoon, or GREATEST cartoon? If I could have worked in “I’ve had this bar of soap since I was a child!” or “Cling tenaciously to my buttocks!” I would have. Lol.

      Oh,. I’m sure the Grandmaester Flash secret will prove to be interesting, but I guess the actor did SUCH a good job being a bumbling, annoying fool that I lost interest in his character. IDK how that could be improved, maybe less of his grand standing and mumbling, and let that just happen as other conversations flowed past him? Ugh, the show has had such a deft hand and juggling all of these story lines and characters, that always felt like a weak link to me. But in perspective, if that’s a weak link, that’s how good the show is. And LOL x PUKE at meatcicle.

      I jumped off my bed and shouted (while pointing at the tv and hitting pause on the remote) IS DANY SUCKLING A BABY DRAGON?! I may have scared the animals, I will neither confirm nor deny. Man, was that awesome. I’d hoped that would happen since her wedding to Drogo, and was pleased beyond the telling to not have been disappointed.

      THE HAND IS GONNA PWN THAT KID. (That actor who plays Joffrey, my hat’s off to him. It’s no easy feat to play such a repulsive character, and he’s doing it marvelously. Hopefully Jackie Gleason – lol – is lovely in RL.) I wanna see Tyrion sitting on the throne, “IM ON UR THRONE SLAPPIN UR KING!”

      I’m telling you, get some plutonium, I’ll build the flux capacitor. We’ll speed this up.

  • See, that’s exactly why it’s such a good secret. He’s the guy no one would suspect of being up to something, because he seems forgetful and incapable of being more than a tool to spout propaganda. He’s easily overlooked because of his age, but I’ll bet his hand was behind a lot of what happened this season. After all, he masterfully placed Ned on the path to finding out what cost Jon Arryn his life, and we know exactly how that turned out. That scumbag!

    Hell, I’m going to run over to Universal Studios real quick and “borrow” one of their DeLoreans. The time circuits should still work after all these years, right?

    • So I’m just gonna say real quick that I’ve NOT read the books, so I hope you’re not spoiling me for any future story lines (play it off if you are, lol. I won’t know until S2 airs)

      Oh, the time circuits should TOTALLY still work. If not, I’ve got this speak-n-spell, and if Hollywood has taught me anything, it’s that children’s toys can be used to highly scientific purposes. Like intergalactic phone calls, etc.

      • I haven’t read the books, either. And my girlfriend, who has, won’t tell me squat about what’s coming up! I am, however, fairly adept at figuring out a series’ formula to figure out what’s coming down the line. For example, if there’s an adorable character in a Joss Whedon story, that character will die. I won’t spoil deaths here, but if you’re as big a Joss fan as I am, you’ll know exactly what I’m talking about. (RIP my favorite Buffy/Angel/Firefly characters!)

        Bad news: Universal Studios rented the DeLorean out tomorrow, and it won’t be back in until last year. Anyone know where I can find a spare TARDIS? I promise not to park it at the end of the world…

        • Oh, but I think what people like about GRRM is that you can’t count on any kind of formula! Which is awesome. Oh, Joss, why would you consistently kill off characters I loved? (I’m a convention attending fan, if that tells you anything. :D)

          I forgot about TARDIS! I’m sure there’s a manual online that details how to make one…

  • Tracey

    I loved Robb hacking at a tree in utter frustration. And weeping in his mother’s arms, because he is trying so hard to be a man, but he IS just a kid of fifteen and his father was just judicially murdered and he would not be human if he didn’t want someone else to fix this.

    And I don’t think a haircut has ever been scarier than Arya’s was. I knew that Yoren wasn’t going to hurt her…but that knife coming so close to her neck right after what happened to Ned! Brrrr.

    And Osha is scared of the dead in the crypts and I do not blame her one bit.

    Varys TOTALLY won that round. TOTALLY. “Do you spend a great deal of time contemplating what’s between my legs?” In a tone that says he’s not in the least interested in Petyr, but, y’know, just asking for information.

    SANSA ALMOST SHOVED JOFFREY OFF THE WALL OF THE RED KEEP. WHICH WAS AWESOME. She would have done it if Sandor Clegane hadn’t stopped her. And he knew it, too. SANSA, YOU ARE A LOT FIERCER THAN ANYONE THINKS.

    Just you keep making enemies like that, King Joffrey the Weaselteat.

    AND DANY. OMG DANY. DANY, YOU USED MIRRI MAZ DUUR’S BLOOD MAGIC AGAINST HER. YOU MADE HER DEATH PAY FOR LIFE. YOU MADE YOUR FAMILY’S MOTTO–FIRE AND BLOOD–INTO A SPELL. AND IT WORKED!

    DAENERYS TARGARYEN, WIZARD-QUEEN AND MOTHER OF DRAGONS. Seriously, all you guys fighting the War of Five Kings, GIVE UP. GO AND KNEEL AT HER FEET NOW. KNEEL BEFORE THE AWESOMESAUCE THAT IS DANY.

    Ahem. Can you tell that I love this series a lot?

    • HOLY SHIT HE’S 15? I thought he was at least 17, I couldn’t remember from the first episode. Dayum. I really enjoy how Robb has grown in these last few episodes. The actor is doing a great job (I think they all are, actually.)

      That haircut… Oy, you know that she was utterly terrified and beyond any other feelings known to her little body and then a knife! Coming at her head! That’s one tough, cookie, is Arya.

      Varys is such a fascinating character ( I mean, who am I kidding, I really and truly find them all to be fascinating) but that exchange between he and Littlefinger was OUTSTANDING. “Hm, you’re better than that.” They delight in having someone clever (and twisted) enough to parry with – excellent.

      I just tweeted about how “hating” Sansa (or Joffrey) means the actor is doing the job RIGHT. I love how much Sansa has grown these past few eps, too. Even though she’s forced herself into these lessons. Schoolgirl with dreams no more, cannot wait to see what she becomes!

      DANY HAS THE ONE EGG – well, okay, three eggs – TO RULE THEM ALL! (And the blood magic to bind them!)

      • Tracey

        DANY HAS THE ONE EGG – well, okay, three eggs – TO RULE THEM ALL! (And the blood magic to bind them!)

        SHE DOES. And I am guessing (because I don’t know, but it makes sense) that the dragons are going to be very very important in destroying Thread undead wights that can only be killed by fire. And the Others, AKA the White Walkers, that create the wights.

        How much do you want to bet that that’s how the Targaryens conquered the Seven Kingdoms in the first place?

        “Oh, hai, Westeros. I’m Aegon the Conqueror. My sisters and I have dragons. If you give us rule over the North, the Vale, the Stormlands, the Reach, the Westerlands and the Iron Islands, we shoot dragonfire at your ice zombies, hahhh?”

        Seriously, if you have people willing to step up and fight a massive invasion of the undead, you’re gonna give them ANYTHING THEY WANT.

      • shipperx

        They aged the kids up in the show. All I know is Robb certainly doesn’t look 15. I’m willing to go with 17 (the actor is in his 20s) but he can’t really pull of 15.

        • Whew, I thought they’d aged them up a touch. Yeah, I can’t buy 15 with Robb’s actor, either.

        • Tracey

          He can’t be that much older than 15. According to HBO, Robert’s Rebellion was 17 years ago. According to the books, Ned and Catelyn had a wedding night (during which Catelyn conceived Robb). Then Ned rode off to war. Allowing for nine months of pregnancy, I think that the oldest Robb could be would be sixteen and a bit.

          (And Ned came back from the war a year later with baby Jon in tow, so presumably Jon and Robb are close to the same age.)

  • Mel

    I don’t even know where to begin with my comments. Words. They may be failing me. <-- Head. Desk. First off, THANK YOU FOR WORKING IN AN AWESOME REN HOEK REFERENCE. You complete me. Also, she froze my soul with that look in her eyes. Okay, and one other moment of greatness out of so many? “Do you lie awake at night fearing my gash?” I am going to have that cross stitched on a pillow and I shall carry it with me everywhere I go. You complete me times 2. This show was such a phenomenal finale. It really did what finales are supposed to do--end the season STRONGLY and leave us salivating for more. I'm drooling everywhere. In the world of minor characters, the more we see of Tonks, the more I like her. Arya/'Arry continues to amaze me. I REALLY like putting (dead) King Robert's son and Arya together. That could be a fun team and possibly when she gets a little older, a fun match... Oh wait, she's betrothed to one of the many sons of Incestville isn't she? PUSH HIM SANSA. yeah. I said it. Actually I wanted her to tackle his ass and throw herself off with him. That'd it show him. I've often suspected The Hound isn't all bad and I hope I'm proven right. The Lannisters obviously just have a family branch. Damn that Cersi is something else. I actually loved the spry old dude secret. heh. I am wondering exactly what shenanigans he will be playing at soon. Dany is hands down the best developed character on the show. Tyrion is fantastic and fun and I am really excited about his story, but Dany's story is worth watching the show for. SHE IS HARDFUCKINGCORE and I would consider letting her have my dragon babies. Her entire storyline this episode just had me on the edge of my seat. My throat hurt when she had to kill Drago. The entire scene was beautifully heart wrenching. And I LOVE how she has grown from this wimpy little girl to this bad ass Xena warrior princess with dragons. And was I the only one singing Ding Dong the Witch is Dead? I'm just in love with this show and these characters. And I really, really hope Joffrey dies a terrible death.

    • THANK YOU FOR GETTING MY REN HOEK REFERENCE. That might be my most favorite “I’m so happy to be so unbelievably angry” moments in history.

      Fearsome Gash, best metal chick band name ever, or what?! And the drummer needs to be Fester/Vasyrs.

      And agreed re: Tonks. She started off as almost a throwaway Red Shirt type, then grew not just on us, but clearly on Bran, as well. They’re regular ol’ buddies, those two. I wonder if she makes Animorphamagus faces at him. And I love having Gandry and Arya together – like the continuation of Robert and Ned, but hopefully less bloody in the end. Yeesh.

      I ACTUALLY THOUGHT (and rewatched the scene about five times to double check) SHE WAS SUCKLING A DRAGON. That would have been awesome and NOT bad boob (because I’m broken inside? IDK.)

      God, this show is outstanding. I mean, I’m trying to think of a show that has me so excited (and wanting to reread/rewatch everything related to it) and I”m drawing a blank.

      • Dragonbone

        I’m pretty sure she was suckling one of the dragons…the green one named after her eldest brother, I think.

        In the books, when her people see her, she’s suckling the green and the cream dragons, while the black/red one is on her shoulder.

        • WHY THANK YOU FOR THIS! It wasn’t easy to see (and ha, I have a 72″ tv because I LIKE TEEVEES) but I was sure that’s what was happening.

          Daenerys = best dragon mom ever.


  • (speechless)
    !!”
    The Best!!! I was actually bumming, all week, watching shows I normally loved and hating them, as they fell short of the pure-uncut-dope of this show. No other show was going to bring Ned back. Daniel Tosh and John Stewart were not going to break Joffrey to little pieces. Tivoed episodes of The Mighty Boosh weren’t gonna protect Aryia. There are no funny dwarf-midgets on Vanguard, even though there should be.
    This season finale had everything. They left it all open. We are crazed with the possibilities. They gauged the scabs off of every situation, leaving the nerve-endings dangling, out there in the elements, crying for the nerve-ending fairy. Our two, favorite characters are now dead. Not, the Pimp-Imp, thankfully, or I’d be done. Drogo is bested by an infection? I guess that witchy-poo-bitch made sure the wound festered, as she hated him. Dany is bad-ass, but I wanted to see Drogo fight Jaimey Twincest. I was hoping some crazy, Conan-style spirits were gonna revive him. It was very powerful to see him laid out, all-Scary Schaivo, like that, the shell of the warrior. Dany will, now, mount the world, like she did Drogo-Sybian, earlier.
    I loved her surviving the fire, but wished she had burned her hair off, or something. I’m not a big fan of the baby dragons, but I’ll let it slide. It’s not these dragons, but dragons, in general, I’m not into. I hope they grow up fast and get mean. Fuck cute, baby, teen, dragons doing sweet, cute baby-shit,kissy-face, pussy-kid, stuff. I want to see Jurassic Park-style dragons, chomping up shit-loads of zombie- fucks and blowing fire all over Twin-cest armies. I want to see a dragon chomp through a shithouse, like a T-rex gulping down lawyer-douchebags. I hope these dragons are nasty, not cute.
    What is this??? Tyrian getting some respect? I like that he’s blowing off his old man’s wishes of not bringing his whore-friend to King’s Landing. (seems like it should be called Kings Falling, to me!!??)
    I thought that the scene where the old man shook off his afflictions was evidence of the power of Roz’s super-human, all-healing, gypsy poontang. It did wonders for Tyrian.
    This show is the smartest on television. It has got me hooked. I love it. They did waaaaay better than I thought they would. I usually avoid, Kingy-Royal, maLord, foresty-elven, dragon, bullshit, like this, BUT now I’m changed by fire, myself. I am full nerd, now…and I like it.

    • J, I couldn’t agree with you more – this show is so balls-deep awesome that other shows are truly paling in comparison. I watch each episode and almost shriek when it’s over, because HOW CAN THE EPISODE BE OVER?! There’s so much I want to see/know! Gah.

      That witchy poo (nice HR Puffinstuff reference, btw) used the blood magic to fuck over Drogo, and then had a bonus when Daenerys entered. Two Khals for one horse! FUCK that was painful, that bad ass mafuckin THROAT RIPPER bested by a dirty blade? Oh, good lord, that hurts. How awesome would a Drogo/Jaime fight have been? I’m ashamed to say that I never even thought of it! (LOL at Schaivo – you’re on a roll, dude.)

      Did you notice that Dany’s hair was ashen? No more white hair, it looked (if not silver) then ashen grey – I thought that was an awesome touch. I for one am fist pumping over the dragons, that is AWESOME! I mean, christ, give them time to grow, she only had a few hours to incorporate Drogo’s life into three eggs. I bet they’ll time-lapse grow like the direwolves did. I can’t wait to see them in the next season, flying and burninating the people in their thatched roof cottages! (According to Allen, they’re hard core pipe hitting mufuckys, not sweet Anime babies.)

      I AM GLAD TO WELCOME YOU TO THE FOLD, M’LUD. I dub thee, Sir Silvertaint of the Aged Taints. Long may you live, Sire!

  • Elcazavampiros

    Cripes, Arya, you have become one of my three top characters. Tyrion and Daenerys round out the trio, natch.

    I said that to my wife as soon as that episode ended. Love them. Love them all. Dragons!

    • Ay yi, Caza, este television…er, show! Es muy muy bueno! DRAGONS! how freaking awesome is S2 gonna be? More awesome than I can handle, I bet. I expect to be heartbroken, enthralled, enraged, and enraptured by ze dragons.

      \o/

  • So many comments, so little to disagree with! I actually managed not to get pulled into the series until last Thursday when I finally marathonned my way through all 9 dutifully-recorded-but-not-watched episodes at once… and then had to wait an agonizing 2 days for the finale. Well joke’s on me, cuz now I get to wait an even more agonizing 10 MONTHS for S2! Good deal! (It’s so worth it.)

    No discussion about Shae at all, though? Tsk! I thought that was a rather interesting pair of scenes, myself. The fact dad specifically forbade him taking her along, and then she immediately asks if he said anything about her, before (to my eyes) playing Tyrion like a fiddle to ensure he brought her anyway… the first thought to my now Game-of-Pretzel-Logic-Conspiracy-trained mind is that Tywin actually wanted her along, perhaps to keep an eye on Tyrion just in case, though more likely for other reasons too. I for one am glad they kept her on for more, as the two of them have a fun dynamic so far. I still can’t stop laughing about the crestfallen expression on Tyrion’s face the second time she said “DRINK”, haha.

    PS. These helped tide me over the weekend until last night, maybe they’ll help tide you over until next year too. : ) (The link will autoplay the entire set.)

    • Ha, I’m glad there’s not a lot of controversy to anger you here! :D Oooooh, you just mainlined the whole series, huh? That’s impressive. There’s so much involved, you’ll easily be able to re-watch the series and find new things each time. That, my new friend, is good television.

      Oh, I had to cut the Shae talk short for a few reasons: 1) I already hit 4000 words (ha) and 2) I was getting late in posting and had gotten “WELL? WHERE IS IT?” type emails. That’s the beauty of comments, we can talk as long as we’d like! I do think it’s interesting that Tywin specifically forbade HER. And I think there’s definitely some merit to your thought that the dad played Tyrion like a fiddle to make sure he DID bring her. Now I wonder if she’s actually a relative to Fester or Baelish or someone high up (maybe Grandmaester’s daughter? Grand daughter?) and her showing up as a paid woman of House Lannister will insure a riot/peace/obedience/who knows what! I love the dynamic between them, as well – finally someone that can match wits with Tyrion! You know he’s searched high and low for such a mate.

      Thanks for the links! I bet readers will be glad for them, too – I love thoughtful commenters!

      • Tracey

        Tywin Lannister hasn’t given any orders so far that he hasn’t wanted obeyed. The man is not a master of reverse psychology. So when he said not to take “the whore” to King’s Landing, this is what I heard Charles Dance saying:

        “I know that you’ve taken a whore as a mistress. I know that she’s in your tent. I know that you intend to bring her with you to King’s Landing. And you’re not going to do that. I don’t want you disgracing the family when you’re acting as Hand of the King. I don’t want you whispering any Lannister secrets to a woman whose loyalty is for sale. I want you to control yourself and keep your cock in your trousers and our secrets in your head. I am your father and your liege lord and you will do what I say. Do you understand, boy?”

        Also, I doubt very much that Shae is of noble blood; I think that when the director shot the scene of that drinking game, they were just trying to explode all the stereotypes about hookers in general by having her deny the truth of all of them. Unfortunately, that got people speculating that she’s really a noblewoman related to someone powerful or a princess (…who’s working as a camp follower? I don’t get the logic).

        I also doubt if she’s the daughter or granddaughter of a maester. She could be a bastard daughter, I suppose, but I don’t think she could be a legitimate one. All the maesters we’ve seen so far have been old men who are vowed to serve various lords or, in the case of the Night’s Watch, organizations. They seem like medieval scholar-monks….which would put marriage out of the picture.

        If you think about it, Pycelle’s situation mirrors Tyrion’s. Pycelle clearly is indulging in sex with Roz; just as obviously, he doesn’t want anyone to know that he’s stronger or more alert than he seems to be. Evidently, he’s trying to seem old and harmless so that no one will see him as a threat. Perhaps Varys and Baelish aren’t the only ones who know where some bodies are buried. And he really, really doesn’t want anyone to know that there’s anyone else who might learn those secrets…like, oh, a whore.

        And he thinks he’s getting away with quite a lot. But Varys and Baelish are watching.

        None of this speaks very well for Tyrion’s prospects, does it?

  • Sam

    Okay so I had to go watch a ton of Ren and Stimpy on youtube after reading this. BUT NOW I AM BACK WITH NOTHING TO ADD BUT A LOUD ROUND OF SHRIEKING. ARYA! SANSA! DANY! ROBB! CATELYN! TYRION! AAAAAHHHH!

    I hope somebody gives Joffrey’s actor an award or something, because he has succeeded in being the most hateful, awful character on a show where quite a few characters could compete for that title.

    I still have a terrible vendetta against Jon Snow’s boring ass, but this time, IT’S PERSONAL (mostly because his shitfit took a lot of time away from the people I really wanted to see for literally nothing. He got like 20 feet away from the wall, then went back to the wall, then faced no consequences and underwent no character development ARGH).

    Your recaps light up my life forever.

    • YOUR DAY IS BETTER FOR HAVING INDULGED IN REN AND STIMPY. I hope that Powdered Toast Man was a part of your complete breakfast, as well. Or some Muddy Mudskipper (who’s got seg-men-ted EYES?!)

      I’m starting to like Jon Snow a little more (like when he gets mad because HEY LOOK AN EMOTION THAT ISN’T WOE!) but he’s got a long way to go to catch up with Robb (who I happen to find a little delicious.) I always delight in his interaction with Porkins because I get to make all sorts of Star War jokes, and that is just the kind of dork I am.

      Your LIFE lights up my heart light like a D-cell battery, Sam. D-Cell. Wait, maybe even a 9 volt. (check the comments from ep 9, there’s Thor praise. :)

  • Calla

    Was it not the most epic season finale to grace the television screen in like…ever?!

    And Daenerys? I hope she flays people alive and lets her dragons eat them in her trek to get the Iron Sword – I will be with her 100% of the way.

    Your 3 fave characters are also mine (Arya, Tyrion and Daenerys), but I admit I totes have to add Varys to that list because I love his completely ambiguous morality and his scathing and nonchalant set downs.

    Can’t wait to see what the Tyrion as Hand to Joffrey (I’d go with your Weaselteat name, but for some reason it just makes me think of the creepy kid from the Eyrie who is 27 and still breastfeeding) is going to bring. The impending conflicts? They should be epic!

    • THIS WAS SERIOUSLY EPIC, AGREED!!

      Oh, I adore Fester, he’s just so slimy and wonderful. The mouth on him! I am always going to root for a smart ass, always.

      How awesome is Tyrion as Hand going to be? I think we’re going to get another slapping scene to appease the masses. CANNOT WAIT!

  • Lurker

    I just want to add that I loved your recap, as always.

    I, personally, can’t wait for season 2.
    Mind you, I have read all the books, so I know what’s coming. But I still want to see it. Give me my Eye Heroin now HBO.
    I mean, really, if the BluRays for season 1 would be available now I would order them right away, just to support the show.

    Bottom line: There is a lot of discussion out there about books versus show, but I am hooked once more, even though I know where the story is heading.

    • Thank you so much!

      OMG, how are we going to make it until then?? That’s the bad thing about HBO – they take their time making shows (so they’re well done) but that means a looooong wait for fans. OK, in perspective, it’s not as long as the book wait, but argh!

      My husband is on Book 4 and is on tenterhooks every episode wanting to see how it’s being translated for the screen. THAT means they’re doing something right.

      LOL, I would totally buy the Blue Rays, too! (If only for all the extras to occupy my time!)

      I’ll be here for S2, I’ll save you a seat. ;)

  • barnswallowkate

    Ok Daenerys is my absolute favorite, maybe one of the most bad ass characters ever. I can’t think of many others that spent the night in a fire and woke up with dragons. I’m kind of in love.

    But nooooo Drogo’s eyebrows, I will miss you!

    I think Arya and Daenerys should team up (even though Arya’s dad helped kill Dany’s family… whatever) and also when Arya grows up she can go out with the Blacksmith Baratheon Bastard. Then they can kill awful Joffrey and all the remaining houses can live happily ever after!

    I am also debating reading the books. I thought about reading the first now and waiting until after Season 2 to read the next. But if I get hooked I have no willpower and will probably read them all in a week and I really liked watching this season not knowing anything about it. Decisions, decisions…

    • Oh, how I will miss Khal Drogo’s eye liner and bad assery. Bastard Blacksmith would be a fantastic metal band, btw.

      I’m debating on reading, as well. Can I just read book 1? I DON’T KNOW. FLeurgh. This is hard. I want, but I love being unspoiled…

  • OMG!!! They can’t really expect us to wait until Spring 2012, can they? That would just be cruel. A cruelty outlawed by the Geneva Convention, undoubtedly!!!!

    I do not have the willpower of Queen Stoney, so I have started reading the first book. OMG!! Just as awesome as the show, but I shall provide no spoilers.

    I can’t wait….when will that DeLorean be ready?

    • Total bitches for making us love them and then keeping us waiting, am I right?

      The Mr. said the same thing about the books, that he’s loving them, they’re amazing, the adaptions are cray cray good. But I am going to stand tall! Like Norman Bates in Psycho at the end with the fly crawling on his hand, oh, he wants to kill it, but he’s going to prove to them all that he can just sit there because he’s in control. (Lol.)

      I’ll have it ready in no time. …anyone know how to rebuild a flux capacitor?

  • Great reviews of GOT, I’ve been following avidly everytime I watch a new episode (although we’re a bit behind over our side of the Atlantic). Have you seen a new series (not sure how many parts there are) of called Merlin? It’s starring Eva Green as Morgana and Joseph Fiennes as Merlin, sounds like it might be right up your street! Would love you see you review that!

    • Thank you! I’ve not watched Merlin, but I have friends that enjoy it (we might add that to this site, is what I mean by that.)

      You can’t tell, but I’m stroking my chin. ;)

    • Geeka

      Waiting for season 2 will be horrible. I know I’m a little late to the party commenting. Thanks for your recaps.

      P.S. The previous comment about Merlin is actually called Camelot. And it was cancelled with a huge cliff hanger. I hate becoming invested in a series only to have it cancelled…*sigh* Firefly.

      Keep bringing the good stuff!!

      • Late to the party is still at the party! AH, Camelot. We had someone here that was going to recap it, but since it was cancelled… Bah. I hate when shows end on a cliffhanger, too. So unfair. I know that often they can’t prepare for it, but still. UGH. My OCD kicks in. Ha. (Oh, Firefly!! The little show that tried, but networks suck.)

        And thanks for commenting, we’ll be back to recapping GoT when the new season starts. CANNOT WAIT!

  • Jason

    All I can say is, I went out and bought the first book…

    • I have it sitting on my Kindle. Mocking me. I’m going to hold out until a week or so before S2 starts. We’ll see how well my reserve holds out.

  • Jason

    And, in reference to Firefly, I actually practiced swearing in Chinese.

  • Jason

    I totally got busted reading into the wee hours of the night. Our 3 week old little boy was up, so, I figured more time for me to go back to Westeros. Work-Schmerk.