True Blood: Season Two

Subverting the law of horror genre tropes and perplexing canon purists, Lafayette is not the body in the back of Andy Bellefleur’s car. Rather, Andy sobers up enough to diagnosis the body as dead due to severe lack of heart and Tara IDs it as Miss Jeanette, the faux!voodoo priestess who exorcised her and her mother. Tara goes to the police station to answer questions and encounters her mother, Lettie Mae, who is devastated to hear of Miss Jeanette’s murder. Tara can’t let her mother continue to mourn a lie, so she tells her that Miss Jeanette used drugs to trick them and that the exorcism isn’t real. Lettie Mae refutes that since she’s hand to God standing there sober as a judge (and far more sober than Andy Bellefleur) and chews Tara out for not wanting her mother to have nice things (like delusions).

Tara’s new friend Maryann shows up and comforts Tara, scolding Lettie Mae for being devoid of human compassion (maybe so, but at least Lettie Mae isn’t wearing a sarong and hubcab earrings before the cocktail hour). Maryann takes Tara back to her palatial digs where she continues to ply Tara and Eggs with tea and sympathy, I’m sorry, I mean kumquats and weed. She tells them poolside stories of Greek mythology and then encourages them to make out by staring creepily and slinking away slowly.

Bill attempts to house train Jessica by setting a curfew, letting her mix TruBlood suicides by combining O-Neg with A-Pos and B-Neg (my mom always said suicides were wasteful – you’ll make a Tabasco-Pepsi mess and then you won’t drink it!) and laying down the hard cold truths about vampire…recycling: TruBlood and other glass in the blue tub! Paper in the white tub! If you mess those up, you hate the earth!

Bill hasn’t quite gotten around to telling Sookie about Jessica, so of course Sookie shows up just as Jessica bounds to the top of the stairs wearing only a towel. Sookie quickly comes to terms with the fact that Bill had to turn a seventeen year-old girl and is far more concerned with whether sex was involved in the ‘making’ ritual (turns out it wasn’t, or to quote Jessica, “Eww! Old.”) Sookie tries to bond with Jessica, but Jessica would much rather be back at Fangtasia with Eric, because Eric knew all the best people to bite and the only way he recycles is by wearing the same hot black tank top every day.

Jason mourns for Amy, convinced that she was his one true love (I mean, other women have loved him, but not for two whole weeks in row!) and for Gran and tries to find meaning in the literature he received from The Fellowship of the Sun cult, that is to say, Christian ministry. As he reads, he begins to see the light and discover his one special purpose and other movie clichés that no doubt turn into malapropisms in the mind of Jason Stackhouse.

Once Lafayette was ruled out as the corpse in the car, everyone stopped wondering about him, which really sucks for Lafayette, since it turns out he’s locked in a basement and chained to a giant lazy susan with a bunch of other unfortunate hookers and muthafuckas. Eric interrupts getting his highlights touched up to reveal that he is Lafayette’s captor (the man even looks good with foiled hair) and drains one of the rednecks who burned out the vamps in Bon Temps. He then menaces Lafayette for selling V…unless it’s the V that Eric is bringing in from his suppliers.

Sookie is shocked to learn that the uncle who molested her as a child has been killed and has left her an inheritance. She accuses Bill of the murder, and when he doesn’t deny it (because love means never having to say you’re human), she suggests the next time he say it with flowers. They have conversation eleventy-million about Bill lying to her in the guise of protecting her. Bill goes all Faulkner southern gothic on her with atonement, because she is his miracle (foreshadowing, how Faulkner!) and they profess their love. And by profess their love, I mean they break out the cock-sock and snatch-patch and have bitey, groany, drippy, bloody sex.

Jason Stackhouse meets with Steve and Sarah Newlin, the leaders of the Fellowship of the Sun ministry, to share his special purpose. Steve and Sarah are so straight from the Trinity Broadcasting Network central casting office that they looked like they were carved out of cream cheese. They recommend their Light of Day institute church training camp to Jason and he uses the inheritance Sookie passed on to him to sign up. Freedom might be free, but salvation costs $1200. Jason meets Luke on the bus to church camp and they hit it off, since they’re both cute guys with a hard-on for the Lord (you just know they’re going to get matching WWJD livestrong bracelets in the gift shop). When they arrive at camp, however, Jason quickly impresses the Newlins with his physicality (Sarah) and his real world vampire knowledge (Steve) and Luke is no longer quite so charmed by his new friend in Christ.

Sam becomes aware of Maryann’s presence in Bon Temps and has flashbacks of having a freaky sex encounter with her when he broke into her home when he was 17. Maryann doesn’t appear to have aged any since then, but she’s definitely always had that “There is no Maryann, there is only Zuul!” vibe about her. Sam thinks Maryann is in Bon Temps because of him (aw, Sam, Merlotte’s isn’t even all about you and your name’s on the door). Maryann tells him that she has more important things than him to concern herself with, and Sam worries over Tara’s involvement with her.

Arlene and Sookie insist that Sam hire more help at Merlotte’s as Arlene’s manicures and Sookie’s social calendar are suffering from the overload, so Sam hires Daphne who, while not a particularly good waitress, is at least interested in Sam, so that’s a plus. Andy Bellefleur’s cousin, Terry, an Iraq war vet with PTSD, picks up the slack in the kitchen in Lafayette’s absence (seriously, is no one concerned?) and picks up Arlene’s mood when the townsfolk gossip about her ex-fiancé/serial killer, Rene.

Jessica sees her family on TV reporting her missing and is thrilled with the attention, that is to say, longs to see them one last time. She asks Sookie to take her to them and Sookie agrees as long as Jessica stays in the car. Sookie has forgotten that Jessica is both a teenager and a fledgling vampire, so her impulse control is nil, and Jessica runs in to see her family. Jessica’s father starts berating her for shaming him and Jessica attacks him, determined to show him who’s not going to spare the rod now. Bill shows up, glamours the family and tells Sookie he has to clean up her mess. Again.

Bill and Sookie fight on the way home (honestly, these two should just stay housebound and naked if they’re ever going to make this work).  As she storms off, Sookie is attacked and poisoned by a creature with the head of a bull and the body of a man (Mardi Gras already?) Bill goes to Eric for help and Eric’s goblin connection, Dr. Ludwig, (all the best vampires have them) saves Sookie. In return, Eric demands that Bill and Sookie help him find Godric, a sheriff who’s gone missing from Dallas. Sookie learns that Lafayette has been shot trying to escape the basement at Fangtasia and then bitten (to be fair, at his request in an attempt to go vamp rather than dead) by Pam and the other Fangtasia employees. Sookie agrees to help Eric find Godric in exchange for Lafayette’s freedom.

Sam tries to warm Tara off Maryann and when she refuses to give up her new best friend, Sam gets pissed and yells at Daphne (he’s just displaying learned behavior from his experience as Sookie’s Bill-whipping-boy). Tara goes off to partake of more of Maryann’s Whole Foods hospitality, but some Spanish Fly must have landed on the kumquats because all of a sudden, everyone at the party starts going “9 ½  Weeks” on each other and Tara freaks when it seems like Eggs is trying to make her just one slice of 9-Grain in a Eggs sandwich.

Lafayette makes it home despite his gunshot wound and curls up in an afghan and sobs, taking stock of his life. Poor Lafayette – all his hustling is just to have 30 minutes of wonderful instead of a lifetime of nothing special. Eric visits Lafayette and offers to heal him with his blood. Lafayette is suspicious but Eric is compelling, that is to say, blond. Of course Eric wants a return for his good will, and it starts with a V and ends with an, well, that’s pretty much it.

Jessica makes her way to Merlotte’s and takes notice of Jason’s friend, the gallant Hoyt Fortenberry. Lord have mercy, if we could just bottle the sweetness between these two, we’d have a sugar source so pure it would never decay a tooth nor rot a foot. Sookie and Bill walk in on Hoyt and a fangs-bared Jessica making out and Bill goes all, “Never in the house, Claudia!” on Jessica and she tosses back an “I learned it from watching you, Dad!” Bill throws Hoyt out of the house more to protect Hoyt’s jugular than Jessica’s virtue, and Hoyt beams one last look of honey-dipped love at Jessica, who glows back at him around a mouth of full of still-growing-in-fangs that make her look like a kid who’s still getting used to a retainer. Sookie suggests that they take Jessica to Dallas with them because Bill doesn’t even seem to like vampires despite being one. To be fair, the only vampires Bill really knows are Eric and, well, Eric.

Jason’s cabin buddies at church camp go full-on douche on him (and we’re not talking shaving cream in the palms) and he ends up moving into the Newlin’s home on their Texas compound because he’s smokin’ hot, that is to say, an asset to Sarah and Steve’s ministry. He’s offered a position in the Soldiers of the Sun, Steve’s spiritual army (…with the cross for Godric, going on before!). You know, when Jason gets to pontificating on ‘pre-medicated’ evil, he looks eerily like a Yale-era George W. Bush. Sarah and Jason continue to bond over how they used to be vampire sympathizers and how now they’re just like, really nice, really pretty people on a mission from God.

Sookie asks Tara to move in with her (Sookie remembers she has a best friend!) and tells Tara that Lafayette has finally made it home (Tara remembers she has a cousin!) Maryann is hesitant to see Tara go and freaks Tara out a bit with her intensity and “Big Chill” kitchen dance moves.

Bill and Sookie arrive in Dallas with Jessica and Sookie is almost kidnapped as they arrive. Bill finds out that the Fellowship of the Sun is behind her almost-getting-nabbed, which is odd. “Leave the vampires…take the cannoli.” They check into a hotel with all the vampire amenities: blackout curtains, room service with humans on the menu and door-to-coffin valet service. Sookie meets a bellhop who is also a telepath, although not as controlled as Sookie. He refuses to talk to her about it, saying that it will put him in danger, and when she pushes it (for lo, her name is Sookie) he leaves the hotel. Bill scolds Jessica for trying to order a human off the menu (hopefully warned her about the honor bar, too) so she calls Hoyt and they talk about comic books.

Tara’s birthday starts off with a sad face and a hand full of Doritos dust but perks up when Maryann and Eggs arrive to throw her a surprise party. There are surprises aplenty: Maryann goes into Hef mode (or Warhol, if you’re more cerebral) and begins to mystically vibrate, dousing the revelers in violent sexual energy she feeds on. Tara and Eggs’ eyes go completely black (Sam and Dean Winchester don’t show up and shout “Christo!” at them, though, so they don’t appear to be hell demons) and they copulate violently all over Gran’s handmade antimacassars.

Sam shows up with a gift from Tara’s mom and misses the glorious copulations but gets his own surprise from Daphne when she tells him that she knows he’s a shapeshifter because she’s a shapeshifter, as well, and takes on a pig form. Sam is delighted, because not only is he no longer alone on his midnight runs, she’ll cut his truffle budget in half!

Maryann forces Tara to allow her and her entourage to move into Sookie’s house by using her mind control to cause the crowd at Merlotte’s to isolate Tara. Eggs and Tara begin to get the feeling that Maryann may be hiding something. Well, they at least wonder why they keep waking up naked, bruised and covered in kumquats with no memory of the night before. Eggs has unsettling feelings about places around Bon Temps and what he might have done there that he can’t remember (although I’m sure Jason’s had those feelings too, and he just chalks them up to a Louisiana Saturday night).

Sookie offers to use her array of perky sundresses to infiltrate the Fellowship of the Sun to see if they are holding Godric. Eric reveals that, centuries ago when he was a mere Viking lad just learning to plunder and pillage, Godric saved him from death by turning him into a vampire, becoming Eric’s maker and the most important being in his life (so Sookie really shouldn’t screw this up or all her sundresses are belonging to Eric.) In a stunning move of “whaaa?” Eric brings in Bill’s maker, Lorena, to stir the pot and attempt to separate Bill and Sookie.

Meanwhile, back at the bible ranch, Jason begins to have barbecue-fueled fantasies about Sarah and amps his vamp fighting enthusiasm up from “Semper Fi” to “Semper Fuck Yeah!” to compensate. To reward Jason for his dedication to the Soldiers of Light, Sarah ambushes him in the bath and gives him a handjob. Now, I don’t know about y’all, but when I went to church camp, they rewarded us with Bible bookmarks. Must be one of those non-denominational churches. Steve gives Jason his own reward and shows Jason his Kim Jong-il arsenal of serious WMDs. Steve’s got more money than tactical experience, though, and is somewhat taken aback when Jason informs him that vampires don’t actually go “poof” when they die but more of a squishy splat. Steve sets Jason to work building a platform for a giant vampire-roasting cross.

Sookie arrives at Fellowship of the Sun with Hugo, the human consort of Isabel, one of the vampires from Godric’s Dallas nest. After meeting Sarah and Steve, Sookie determines that a vampire is being held in the basement, however, almost as quickly she realizes that someone has tipped off the Newlins and she and Hugo are captured. Sarah starts to feel cut-off from Steve’s plan for the ministry and turns to Jason for help, but Jason has decided to try abstinence (although he can’t even say it without giggling). Sarah tells him that God wants them to get naked for Jesus, and they have sex on the church balcony (definitely non-denominational).

Bill’s vampire senses tingle and he realizes that Sookie is in danger, but Lorena traps him in his hotel room and forces him into a montage of their bloodsucking history. Lorena enjoyed forcing Bill into human cosplay back in the day because she liked to play with her food. Bill found it all just too tacky, really, and after peeling off the spats and fedoras she forced him into, he enjoyed nothing more than settling down with a good book. He was only able to leave her after he threatened to stake himself.  Montage over, they throw each other around the room and growl each other from their respective corners.

Tara and Eggs return home to find piles of clothing strewn about Sookie’s house and since they know Saturday is washing day, this can only mean one thing: Bacchanals! Orgies! Mean-eyed juiced-up brillitene honkytonk cowboys! Oh no! Mixing with green-eyed thin-lipped hard as nails peroxide blondes! Maryann has thralled the entire gang from Merlotte’s and is vibrating among them in a blurry frenzy. Eggs and Tara go black-eyed and get their bacchanal on. Sam and Daphne are tromping through the woods on one of their four-legged nature runs with Andy Bellefleur puffing behind them yelling, “That’ll do, Pig!” when Daphne leads Sam right into the bacchanal. Sam sees Maryann with the sacrificial knife and runs howling into the night, Andy fires a few rounds in the area to cockblock everything in sight and his cousin Terry, high on Maryann’s Good Vibrations, breaks his arm for his trouble.

Eric and Godric’s minion, Isabel (which makes her, what, Eric’s cousin once removed?) discuss her choice of a human partner and she says that his mortality makes everything more exciting. Sensing Eric’s disdain as interest, she accuses him of sniffing after Sookie, and Eric denies it in the weakest, most “Girls are icky!” way possible.

Eric deals with vampire infighting when he’s accused of not handling the Fellowship sitch in the most coldblooded manner possible, and Eric dismisses the claims  as Godric’s minion, Stan (again with the lameass names. Whatever happened to Vlad?) lobbying for the sheriff position if Godric dies (everything’s so political in Texas).

Hugo’s exciting mortality manifests as claustrophobia and he blurts out that Sookie is a Stackhouse, which puts Jason in danger when Steve assumes that Jason’s a sympathizer and Sarah realizes she’s put her cookies in the wrong basket. Steve sends a henchman after Jason, and Jason goes on the offensive. Sookie reads a weakened Hugo’s mind and discovers that he is the traitor. Sookie reaches out mentally to reluctant telepath/bellhop, Barry, and he takes a message to Bill’s hotel. Eric overhears it and runs for the church to save Sookie, er, I mean Godric.

Sam confronts Daphne about the orgy and she loses her damn mind, telling him that Maryann is a Maenad, a follower of the Greek god Dionysus, and that she is immortal and far more powerful and interesting than Sam, and that her loyalty will always be to Maryann. In return, Maryann thanks Daphne for her services and has Eggs kill her.

Church goers show up at the Fellowhip for a lock-in (something tells me tonight’s going to involve a bit more than pie and coffee and few rousing games of Bible Bingo). Sookie and Hugo are attacked by one of Steve’s henchmen and saved by the vampire in the basement (no, not Spike) Godric! Godric is over 2,000 years old but looks like a teenage boy. A very Zen, Yogi-on-the-mountain-top, teenage boy. Godric asks Sookie and Eric to leave the Fellowship compound with a minimum of bloodshed but they’re surrounded by the Soldiers of Light. It’s an angry wall of pastel Polos.

Bill escapes Lorena and sends Hoyt and Jessica back to Bon Temps. Bill and Jason have a Texas standoff with the Fearless Vampire Killers in Khakis, and Stan the wannabe-sheriff shows up with the Dallas vampire contingent. Godric mediates a peaceful escape, saying that if vampires had made more attempts to live peacefully among humans, there would be no need for the Fellowship of the Light. I’m telling you, Zen like centuries of tantric yoga.

Back in Bon Temps, Hoyt introduces Jessica to his mother, Maxine, at Merlotte’s. Maxine is used to Hoyt beginning every sentence with “Mama and I” and he’s been her steady date to every pie supper and fish fry for the past 15 years, so she’s not happy that there’s another hen in her henhouse. She’s really not happy that it’s a vampire chick. Hoyt tries his best, but when Maxine continues to insult Jessica (she calls Jessica a “dead whore” and doesn’t even throw in the obligatory “bless her heart”) he and Jessica leave.

Sam goes to Merlotte’s and finds Daphne murdered and heartless (in the literal sense, not the “Maryann is so much cooler than you, Sam” sense) in his freezer. The police arrive and arrest him along with the orgy folk. Maryann makes Eggs and Tara a meal with Daphne’s heart and they chow down serious. I mean really – even Paula Deen would say, “Good God, y’all, use your napkins!” Eggs and Tara go into a frenzy of sex and violence. But, hey, at least they’re laughing!

Jessica and Hoyt shared their first time together at the hotel in Dallas and are eager to try it again while Sookie and Bill are off, you know, saving the world (or a couple of vampires) and are  shocked to find that Jessica’s hymen has regenerated since she was turned a virgin. It’s a serious boner-killer for them both.

Back at Godric’s Dallas nest, Sookie, Jason and the vampires enjoy a post-showdown cocktail hour. Godric appeals to Eric to be peaceful and control his emotions, but it’s like talking to a tall blond wall. Godric banishes Hugo out of mercy for Isabel and Lorena out of contempt for being a stone-cold witch with a B to Sookie.

Jason’s former church camp buddy, Luke, reveals himself in the nest with a suicide bomb strapped to his chest and wrapped in vampire-blocking silver chains. He detonates the bomb and vampire bits go flying.

Eric throws himself on Sookie to save her from the blast but is injured, his body jingle-jangle-jingled with silver. Sookie sucks out the bullets, ingesting some of Eric’s blood (say what you want to about Sookie, but the woman’s not squeamish). Bill is not well pleased and informs Sookie that Eric will now be able to sense her since she carries his blood and that she may be attracted to him sexually (‘cause there no other reason she would be, what with all the pigtail pulling those two do). Sure nuff, Sookie begins to have romantic dreams about Eric in which Lorena tells her that Sookie no longer cares for Bill. Eric closes out the dream with, “This is just the beginning.” (‘This’ is? I thought death was?)

Eric, Godric and the vampires defend their actions to vampire political activist (and Lee Press-On Hair fan) Nan Flanagan who berates Godric and fires him from his Sheriff position. Godric agrees to the demotion and suggests Isabel in his place (yes, because she’s not guided by emotion at all). Bill decides this would be a good time to bust Eric’s chops about Sookie and punches Eric in the mouth, but Eric shrugs it off as if Bill punches like a human, and goes to meet Godric.

Godric has decided that childhood living is easy to do, but after 2,000 years he’s ready for peace. To Godric, that means kissing daylight. Sookie watches on the roof of the vampire hotel as Eric breaks down and begs Godric not to meet the sunrise. Godric and Eric share words in both English and Swedish about love and loss and family, and then Godric orders him off the roof when Eric wants to stay and die with his maker. Sookie tells Eric that she will stay, and Godric is charmed to have his final moments spent in the company of a human who cries for his death, saying that after 2,000 years, even he can be surprised. This moment is so stunning in its simplicity and the characterization and portrayal of Godric, who is barely more than a one-off character, is so heartbreaking that I can’t begin to be flip. Even the gingham sundress and white flats Sookie is wearing add poignancy to the scene. It’s one of those moments that puts “True Blood” in redemption corner. Godric’s Death Scene

Sookie consoles Eric for the loss of Godric, and she kisses him despite his face full of blood tears. She bares her throat for his bite…and then wakes up, in the thrall of one of her “I’m only attracted to Eric because of his V pumping through my system” dreams.

Sookie, Bill and Jason arrive home and find that Bon Temps is in chaos. People in the streets! Obscene graffiti on the city signage! Middle-aged people having sex! Worse than Mardi Gras. Hoyt and Jessica are trying to keep Hoyt’s mom Maxine under control, as she is in Maryann’s thrall and totally bent that she can’t go to the party and maybe get loved up. Hoyt and Jessica are keeping her focused by giving her a Wii controller (thank God it wasn’t Wii tennis, she’d have taken one of Bill’s windows out).

Maryann is building a giant offering to Dionysus made of fruits, sides of beef, flowers and feathers – actually something very similar to a springtime arbor I saw in Southern Living. Well, without the goat skulls, that is. Maybe if there were grosgrain bows on the goat skulls…

Sam is hiding out with Andy Bellefleur. Andy’s just grateful that someone believes him about the pig. “People thought I was crazy ‘cause I saw a pig.” That really shouldn’t be as funny as it is.

Arlene (under Maryann’s spell) lures Sam to Merlotte’s. When Sam arrives, the Merlotte’s patrons in Maryann’s possession, henceforth known as Dead-Eyed Sex Zombies, begin to chant and try to capture Sam to sacrifice him to ‘the god who comes.’ Sam and Andy lock themselves in the cooler at Merlotte’s.

Lafayette and Lettie Mae have rescued Tara, who is still under Maryann’s spell. Lettie Mae and Lafayette blame themselves for Tara’s possession, and as much I’d like to say “You’re not wrong,” they’re both so torn up that it would be cruel. Plus Lafayette is wearing bitchin’ green eye-shadow, so I’m inclined to be supportive.

Sookie arrives at her house to find that Maryann has redecorated in Pier One vanilla pillar candles and Bayou swamp sludge. Fusion, I think they call it. Maryann attacks Sookie, so Bill vamps and bites Maryann. Her blood is toxic to him and he’ll spend the next several scenes hanging his head out the car window, sick as a dog. Maryann feels out Sookie and wonders, “What ARE you?” and Sookie face-palms her, emitting a glowing light from her hand (it’s a lovely, twinkly light, too. Like those tiny white Christmas lights. Hmm…what’s another name for those? Oh, spoiler.)

Jason gets loaded for bear (or at least for a REALLY awesome haunted house) with some flares, a nail gun and a chainsaw. He shows up at Merlotte’s where a full on orgy of madness is ensuing with mustard being licked from nothing you’d slap between bread, a solo game of pool (freaky) and a dude I think is snorting Funyuns. The Dead-Eyed Sex Zombies aren’t moved at the presence of hot-ass Jason Stackhouse, which is the one really good thing about Maryann’s vibrating frenzies, it makes for equal opportunity mattress time for all and Jason’s just another blurry, vibratey thing in a blurry, vibratey world. Jason takes Arlene hostage with a nail gun and everyone laughs and yells, “Nail her!” (Jason restrains himself from the obvious joke.) Terry is able to remember that Arlene has become his special lady and bargains with Jason as the Dead-Eyed Sex Zombie Commander-in-Chief. Jason tells them all to get out and that he’ll let Arlene go. Terry tells everyone to retreat, mustard-legs and nose-Funyuns and all, announcing, in the greatest line in the history of this show, that they will “Unfuck this situation at a later date.”

That later date turns out to be ‘not that long then’, because just as Jason lets Sam and Andy out of cold storage, the Dead-Eyed Sex Zombies return and Sam gives himself up to them because, well, he was going to leave Bon Temps anyway. Jason disguises himself as Maryann’s “the god who comes” (and there’s an incredibly obvious Jason Stackhouse joke there, but I’ll refrain due to lack of subtlety) with a gas mask and flares. He promises good weather and good crops, but Terry’s not convinced: “Bullshit. God has horns.” Andy holds a tree branch and a floodlight up behind Jason’s head and Doubting Terry believes. Sam tells Jason to smite him, so Jason does bombastic jazz hands and Sam is smitten. Sam turns into a fly and his clothes fall, convincing the Dead-Eyed Sex Zombies.

Bill and Sookie arrive at Lafayette’s and Bill glamours Tara into focusing on him so that Sookie can reach into Tara’s mind, breaking Maryann’s possession. Sookie repeats the chant Tara was rambling and Bill realizes that Maryann is a Maenad, because he reads. He goes to the Vampire Queen of Louisiana to get help.

Maxine continues to insult Hoyt and Jessica because she can’t go to the party at Merlotte’s. She calls Hoyt a half-man and Jessica a dead whore and Jessica, who can’t control her emotions and hasn’t eaten in days, throws Hoyt out of the way and jumps Maxine and feeds on her. Hoyt shoves Jessica off of his mama and tells her he should have listened to Bill and not trusted a vampire.

Sophie-Anne, the vampire queen, makes Bill lounge by the pool all day with her and play Yahtzee (and Bill can never roll the High Straight) until she tells him that Maryann is waiting for the god who will bring her ‘true death’ and that she can only be killed when she believes her god has come. Bill runs into Eric on his way out and he tells Eric to stay away from Sookie and stop having Lafayette push V or he will tell the Queen. That’s it, really? That’s Bill’s big gambit: “I’m telling.”

Tara convinces her mother that God wants her to save Eggs and Lettie Mae decides to do one thing in this life for her daughter and holds Lafayette and Sookie at gunpoint so Tara can escape. Tara tells Maryann she can’t be influenced by her words or vibrating so Maryann punches her, putting Tara back under her spell. Well, that just made that endless scene of Bill and Sookie imploring, “Tara! Let us into your mind!” totally pointless.

Sookie and Lafayette make it back to Sookie’s Gran’s house and Maryann enthralls Lafayette. Sookie finds Tara and Eggs building a giant nest for a large unhatched egg (and now we’re right back to “Why in the hell am I watching this show?”)

Jason and Andy show up with weapons but get enthralled so quickly that it’s kind of cute, really. Maryann makes Sookie her maid of honor for the god-coming ceremony. Sam finds Arlene’s latchkey kids and takes them to Eric at Fangtasia, which delivers all of the sparkling comedic irony it promises. Eric goes to see Sophie-Anne and tells her that Bill knows that Eric is trafficking V. Sophie-Ann is upset to hear this, since she’s the one who instructed Eric to start pushing (dun-dun-dun!) and Eric says he’ll take care of Bill.

Bill finds Sam at Merlotte’s and orders him to come with him to see Maryann. Sam agrees, because Bill’s kinda creepy tonight. Bill tells Maryann he is giving her Sam in exchange for Sookie’s safety. Sookie gives that a big “ah, hell naw” but Bill asks her to trust him (he lies to protect – we’re building on themes, here). Eggs stabs Sam and gives his blood to Maryann who rubs it all over her body like it’s “Dogwood Blood Blossoms” from Bath & Body. Bill tells Sookie to destroy Maryann’s offering and she rips down every rotting, fly-buzzing hunk of it. Maryann gets pissed (I mean, we’re talking at least $500 dollars worth of beef, even at agrarian state prices) and attacks Sookie with her claws, but stops, transfixed, when a white bull appears and Maryann believes him to be the god she was waiting for.

Maryann offers herself to her Dionysus and I get The Doors film soundtrack stuck in my head for days (the best part about this season is that they avoided playing “Carmina Burana”) and the bull gores her, and then transforms back into Sam who tears out Maryann’s heart. Bill tells Sookie that he gave Sam some of his blood so that he could survive being stabbed (or you, know, whatever – Bills shares blood like some people share Tic-Tacs).

Maxine tells Hoyt that a lot of her ravings were true, and that his dad did commit suicide. Deeply upset, Hoyt goes looking for Jessica. Jessica tells Bill she’s going to see Hoyt but instead goes to a truckstop where she bites and drains a trucker, because if Hoyt doesn’t love her, she only has separating plastics and glass to look forward to for the rest of her unlife.

Eggs is troubled by his memory gaps (and the whole Dead-Eyed Sex Zombies thing) and asks Sookie to help him remember his blackouts. He learns that, on Maryann’s orders, he murdered Miss Jeanette and Daphne and stabbed Sam. Tortured with what he has done even though his mind was in Maryann’s control, he begs Andy Bellefleur at knife-point to arrest him. Andy tries to calm Eggs, but Eggs refuses to be coddled. Jason, seeing them from a distance, doesn’t realize what is happening and, still amped up on his Christian warrior training, shoots Eggs. Jason is freaked out by what he’s done, so Andy takes his gun and tells Jason to leave and that “he was not here and he didn’t see anything.” Tara shows up and sees Eggs dead  and is devastated.

Bill takes Sookie to a French restaurant and proposes, and Sookie gives him a valid, “this is all so sudden” and goes to the powder room to take a powder. She decides she does want to marry Bill, (after all, he cares about her, and Sookie and Bill are both so self-involved that it’s a pretty big accomplishment) but Bill is captured with those ubiquitous vampire-ensnaring silver chains (I don’t know how the Shreveport Home Depot keeps them in stock!) and dragged from the restaurant. Sookie returns to find him gone. Damn. Hope she kept the ring.

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  • This was done in honor of your Faulkner commentary.

    “Aw, Sam, Merlotte’s isn’t even about you and your name is on the door.” Ahahaha. It’s funny because it’s true.

    “all his hustling is just to have 30 minutes of wonderful instead of a lifetime of nothing special.” THAT is why you are here.

    • Suzanne

      I had to get a tumblr account just so I could like that. I particularly liked “Oops, was that mah tittie?” So very “As I Lay Dying.”

      Hahahaha…I had to re-write that Lafayette passage dozens of times to earn that “Steel Magnolias” quote.

    • Suzanne

      BTW: “Leave the vampires, take the cannoli” was for you.

      • I knew that it was, which is why you’re my forever girl.

        Also laughed hard enough to startle the dog at “Semper Fi” to “Semper Fuck Yeah!” And about seventy-billion other things, but that would just get creepy if I kept on telling you all the ha has. In conclusion: THIS WAS AWESOME.

  • Ovild

    I concur with the awesome rating, and raise it with a fist pump and an Oh Yeah!

    How does a show this silly have such a cast of fabulous characters, if not counting the actual leads (even them though, I think their blandness is a nice counterpart to the wacky).

    Loved your recap, I’m so pleased that you’ve been roped in! :)

    • Suzanne

      I appreciated being roped in (it’s just something I enjoy.) I find both Bill and Sookie entertaining to varying degrees because they both always surprise me (with facial expressions.)

  • Miles McCullough

    LOVE it. Absolutely love it all from impertinent commentary to the total drowning in pop culture, but I must pick a nit or two:

    “Eric visits Lafayette and offers to heal him with his blood. Of course Eric wants a return for his good will, and it starts with a V and ends with an, well, that’s pretty much it.” It damn well better end with ire and blood instead, ’cause lets face it – creatures of the night are angsty.

    Jason concerned by nakedness, bruises, and exotic fruit? More like Jason pumped and cocky. That smirk when he wakes up shirtless after a night of doing the deliciously dirty is half the reason any self respecting man, woman, or vampire watches this show :P

    And if you think sex is rare at bible camp, you must have gone to all the wrong ones – there’s a reason bible thumpin’ correlates strongly with teen pregnancy, and it ain’t abstinence. Sheds a whole new light on “the South will rise again” as the pinnacle of compassionate conservative fantasy when you think about it.

    The only difference between fundies and non-denoms is that the latter are big on love and the former are big on forgiveness – it lets ’em judge others with a kind of righteous hypocrisy that’s gone extinct every place that doesn’t deny evolution.

    All that said, the respect you show for Godric… marry me. I know you have better standing offers than a random internet hero, but I can promise you a good horning that would put the god who comes to shame and the cheesiest scrambled eggs you’ve ever had the morning after. There, now it’s off my chest and you can’t even complain about the cheesy lines – them’s just points in my favor ;-)

    P. S. I see I was beaten to the punch. Oh frabjous day! Callooh! Callay! What a sorrowful boy am I.

    • Suzanne

      Come to my arms, my beamish boy! That was a comment and a half.

      To wit:
      Jason concerned by nakedness, bruises, and exotic fruit? More like Jason pumped and cocky. That smirk when he wakes up shirtless after a night of doing the deliciously dirty is half the reason any self respecting man, woman, or vampire watches this show :P The nakedness, bruises and fruit was about Eggs — who is freaked right out despite gettin’ to bust a nut (yeah, I just said that) — did I type Jason by mistake?

      Let me tell ya a little story: I started writing a book sometime in the 90s (you can buy the first three chapters by, uh, giving me a dollar and a Moon Pie) and the opening line was “My cousin Cissy is the only person I ever knew to get pregnant at church camp,” and the theme of the book was “God, sex and Granny’s benevolence.” So the bit about Jason and Sarah was *mainly* to make the non-denominational joke (because while there’s nary a difference, my Pentecostal grandmother considered non-denominational churches the first harbinger of the Tribulation), but even I (as an incredibly liberal Methodist) would think twice about knockin’ boots in the sanctuary, especially if I were the preacher’s wife. Of course, the fellowship hall is a different story (and those swivel piano stools could make things interesting.)

      I could have waxed epic poetic about Godric for pages, but I had other crappie to fry. What a stunning vignette in the middle of an uneven season.

      And yes, alas, my prince has already come (and I’ll leave that one alone) and though he’s starting too look more Sean Bean in “Game of Thrones” than Sean Bean in “Lord of the Rings,” he still has that rockin’ swimmer’s build, so I’m good. But you have my thanks (and I’ll take your comments by the bucketfuls, please.)

  • Lunabee34

    You have cracked me up, my dear heart.
    I am especially besotted with all the kumquat shoutouts.