True Blood: Season Three

Sookie goes into “Bill’s in trouble, must be Sunday” mode and turns to Eric for help. At Fangtasia, Pam lets Sookie blow past her to the basement with a perfectly deadpan, “Sookie. Stop. Don’t. Come back.” Sookie trips down the stairs in her kitten heels to find Eric, clad only his highlights (pretty sure they’re Nice’n’Easy #8 ‘Ready Made Cupcake’), and a chained Yvetta, the new Fangtasia dancer, enjoying a spot of employee orientation. Eric tells Sookie that he doesn’t have Bill (and he’d turn out his pockets if he had any). Eric and Sookie share quips about vampire stamina and Eric promises to make inquiries about Bill’s whereabouts.

Eric is visited by Queen Sophie-Anne and the magister, who is concerned about the V trafficking in Eric’s area. The magister leaves and the Queen commands Eric to sell the V they have in stock to get rid of the evidence and because she needs the money (due to her illegal backroom high stakes Yahtzee games, no doubt).  Eric tries to be all, “Don’t be a drag, just be a queen!” but Sophie-Anne literally has him by the balls, so with one last pouty “Grr!” Eric agrees. He sends Pam to tell Lafayette to move the V in 24 hours and Lafayette tries to blow Pam off with a, “Hookah, please!” but Pam warns him not to let her ‘Berry My Treasure’ lipgloss smile and the fact that her outfit looks like it was hosed down with Pepto-Bismol fool him, she will eat him as sure as he’s living.

Sam has decided to get in touch with his roots after his near-sacrifice experience and goes looking for his birth parents. While he’s on the road in Arkansas, a shirtless Bill shows up at Sam’s hotel room and asks to borrow the shower and a shirt. Bill tells Sam he found him due to their vast quantities of blood sharing. Sam gives Bill the (snap-front) shirt off his back and Bill starts to head for the shower and then turns back, violating all rules of personal space, even for a vampire. He asks Sam to shower with him. Sam takes a moment to think about it so that the camera can switch between their shared breath close-up and a wide shot of their rippling torsos. Sam agrees that a shower with Vampire Bill would be perfection. Bill demonstrates his mastery of the single entendre and informs Sam that the water in Arkansas is very hard (emphasis his, mine and ours). They move in for a kiss and Sam’s phone rings. Bill mutters not to answer it, but Sam wakes to the ringing of his cellphone (which, sadly, isn’t warbling a Debbie Gibson “Only In My Dreams” ringtone). Sam gives the dream a “Well, that happened,” shrug and locates his parents.

Sam learns that he has a younger brother named Tommy. His mother and his brother are both shifters, but his father is a ‘regular.’ Although judging by the fact that his father comes to the door clad only in threadbare jockey shorts and a blurry, Budweiser scowl, I’d go with ‘slightly irregular,’ even for Arkansas. Sam’s younger brother, Tommy, is jealous that he didn’t get to be adopted, too and proceeds to act like a Grade A asshole.

Tara tries to kill herself in her grief over Eggs by downing all the pharmaceuticals she can find in Lafayette’s bathroom (she would have collapsed from exhaustion before she ever OD’d) but Lafayette stops her. He takes her to the mental health hospital where his mother Ruby Jean has been for six months, unbeknownst to the family. Lafayette meets Ruby’s nurse Jesus and they share a lingering look before Ruby Jean’s incessant ethnic slurs spoil the mood. Lafayette tells Tara that they have darkness in their family, but that they’ve both been fighting it their whole lives and they just have to keep on fighting. Familial obligations taken care of, Lafayette casts a look around for another glimpse of Jesus before he and Tara leave.

Jessica’s trucker has died (humans are so fragile when it comes to exsanguination) so she hides him in her vampire sleeping hole. She blows off Hoyt’s attempts at reconciliation because she doesn’t want him to know what she’s done. She’s been a bad, bad girl. She was careless with a delicate man. Still pissed at his mama for her lies, Hoyt moves in with Jason.

Jason and Andy stick with the story that Andy, not Jason, shot and killed Eggs. Jason keeps picturing people with bullet holes in their heads and worse, he can’t get an erection. Lost without his special purpose, Jason goes on a ride-along with Andy to an area called Hotshot. He sees a pretty blonde and darts after her. She loses him, but he catches sight of Andy’s perp and goes all “Everybody’s All American” on his ass and collars him, drugs and all. Jason is flush with accomplishment and a new special purpose occurs.

An English vampire named Franklin comes to Tara’s aid when she’s being hassled by rednecks outside Merlotte’s. Franklin displays his Continental manners by holding the dude while Tara whales on him. Tara decides that screwing a vampire seems to have gone so well for Sookie that she has sex with Franklin and offers to let him bite her. He tells her he won’t because she wants it. Hmm. Could be gratification denial kink, could be that Franklin only loves the thrill of the chase or he could just have some Edward Cullen control issues. Vampires, how do they work?

Franklin later finds the head of Jessica’s poorly hidden trucker carcass and uses it to blackmail her into getting info on Bill. Franklin also glamours Tara for further intel on Sookie. Perhaps he’s just doing research to get in on that hot vampire novel market.

Arlene realizes she’s pregnant, but that she’s already nine weeks along, so it can’t be Terry’s, and she fears she’s carrying Rene’s demon seed (wow…was Season 2 so short? It took longer to write the recap). Terry is overjoyed at the thought of progeny, so Arlene stays mum on her fears, but I’m sure she stares at that “Who’s The Father? DNA Paternity Testing 1-800-4-DADDYS” billboard every time she drives past it.

Bill has been captured by trashy werewolves with a taste for V. He escapes and feeds, and when they attack him again in their wolf forms, he fights them off, killing two of them and going all Tyson on the ear of another. Urk. Bill, Sookie’s not gonna appreciate the hairballs down her cleavage. Bill is ‘rescued’ by Russell Edgington, the Vampire King of Mississippi, who arrives on horseback and dressed for the hunt. They tally-ho back to Russell’s antebellum abode and Russell informs Bill that he is there as Russell’s reluctant guest.  “Sherry? Cherry cordial?” I like Russell, he’s fun. He seems like the kind of guy who could say “Dirty pool, old man” and “Touché” with absolute panache and zero irony.

Sookie and Jessica go looking for Bill and find one of the dead (and now human in appearance) werewolves who nabbed him. They find a mark on the were’s neck and use Jessica’s cell phone (I have a smartphone, Jessica has a brilliantphone) to identify the mark as belonging to Operation Werewolf: a Nazi Werewolf organization. Great, now even werewolves are violating Godwin’s Law. Sookie asks Eric about the mark and he plays the dumb blond, but then later admits that he lied and that Operation: Werewolf actually predates WWII. O:W werewolves are fed vamp blood to make them strong and to control them.

Russell’s lover, Talbot, serves Bill cruelty-free human blood that was willingly donated (but were they free-range or city dwellers, Talbot? Don’t split hairs). Over a spicy Thai dinner, Russell informs Bill that he wants to make Bill a sheriff in Mississippi and that Russell needs Bill’s help in seeking the hand of the fair Queen Sophie-Anne. Russell reveals that he’s aware that Bill works for Sophie-Anne and was sent to Bon Temps on a mission and that he has a dossier on Sookie. Well, he’s one up on the audience: it’s good to be the king.

Lorena sashays into Russell’s dining room with an “Well, I swan! Bill Compton!” air and makes Bill forget he is a vampire and a gentleman. He sets Lorena afire, but her love/hate for him burns much brighter and she recovers. Russell drops the moonlight and magnolias and tells Bill to become sheriff or Sookie gets it. Bill agrees to the terms, anything for beloved Sookie, and Lorena storms his rooms, a vampire scorned. They engage in bloodsucker foreplay and are soon rutting violently on Bill’s bed. Lorena forgets her safe word and Bill sends her head ‘round the twist until she’s gone from a missionary view to a reverse cowgirl one without ever changing position. It’s dead creepy. Lorena professes her love for Bill from her crazy-straw throat and Bill roars with disgust at them both.

Sookie and Eric are attacked by a werewolf in Sookie’s home. Sookie can read the werewolf’s mind and manages to get “Jackson” out of it. Here’s hoping he hadn’t just seen “Walk the Line.”  Eric arranges for Sookie to travel to Mississippi with Alcide, a werewolf indebted to Eric.  Alcide has entre into Operation: Werewolf because his ex is banging the head werewolf. Which isn’t awkward at all. Eric is sending Sookie off with Alcide? Has he seen Alcide? Eric must have faith in “once you go vamp you never go back.”

Sam’s family descends on Bon Temps like a horde of locusts in saggy underwear, drinking him out of trailer and home.

Alcide gets roughed up at the Werewolf Bar defending Sookie, who walked into the bar looking fresh from a cotillion and ripe for the rending. Sookie bandages him up and his sexy wounds lead them into some serious hurt/comfort and things start to get a bit breathy just as Bill calls. Bill breaks up with Sookie over the phone (well, at least he doesn’t have a Facebook). His break up speech is pretty much the chorus to “Sober” (Bill doesn’t have a Facebook, but he does know Tool) because he will only complicate her (and lets’ be honest, Bill is pretty much all about “I want what I want.”)

Franklin chains Tara to the toilet when she tries to contact Sookie and gets even freakier on her. He takes Tara to Russell’s mansion and reports in. Bill is shocked to see Tara, but not as shocked as Tara is that Bill frankly doesn’t give a good goddamn about what happens to her. Franklin gives Bill’s dossier on Sookie to Russell and Russell peruses it over a couple of fingers of Scotch in his study. Tara escapes Franklin and flees Russell’s plantation home, only to be chased down by werewolves in a scene that has so many deep south connotations that it is Un. Comfortable. Franklin decides he loves Tara and plans to turn her to be his vampire princess.

Sookie finds out that Alcide’s ex, Debbie, is being inducted into the werewolf pack, so she and Alcide go back to the wolf bar. Russell arrives at the bar and thanks the wolves for their allegiance and gives them his blood. Debbie is inducted in a ceremony akin to coin beer night at Coyote Ugly and Sookie and Alcide run for it when everyone starts to wolf-out.

Sheriff Dearborne retires and Andy finally gets to pin on the sheriff’s badge. Jason is unable to pass the written police academy exam, so Andy makes him a deputy of sorts (like when airline pilots give you those little plastic wings). Jason liberates a squad car to chase down the blonde from Hotshot. He asks her out but she tells him they can’t ever be together. She can have up-against-the-tree sex with him, though, but runs off before things culminate. Jason shows up with flowers for her and finds out she has a fiancé and might be hiding something.

Eric sends Lafayette to sell V at Hotshot and helps him close the deal when the hillbillies don’t cotton to getting V in their meth but races back when he learns that the magister has raided Fangtasia, found the V stock and is torturing Pam.

Jesus and Lafayette start dating. They have a sweet make out session but the Hotshot folk show up to trash Lafayette’s car in retribution for the V deal, and Jesus bails when he learns Lafayette is a drug dealer. Ruby Jean escapes from the hospital and goes to Lafayette, warning him to beware of vampires and witches. Lafayette gives her an “Am I new here?” stare and Jesus comes to collect her. Lafayette explains he wants to get out of the V trade, but Eric keeps pulling him back in.  Jesus is sucker for hard luck stories and kisses him.

Eric shows up at Russell’s and Talbot all but humps his leg. Eric attempts to pin the V-trade on Bill, but Bill saunters in as the new sheriff in town and Eric realizes that this means that Sookie’s Saturday nights are now free. Eric flirts with Russell and Talbot and tells Russell that the magister has his progeny, Pam, and Russell agrees that there’s nothing worse than the loss of a child and promises to try to help him. Talbot gives Eric a tour of the house, hoping that Eric will reciprocate by giving him a peek at the Scandinavian Peninsula. Eric spies a Viking crown amongst Russell’s tchotchkes and recognizes it. Eric’s human family was killed by werewolves and Eric arrived in time to see the were’s mysteriously cloaked leader survey the carnage and take his father’s crown. Eric has waited centuries, but he knows that revenge is a dish best served cold. Like pickled herring.

Russell suspects that Bill is tracing Sookie’s telepathic lineage and becomes curious about her. Bill learns from one of Russell’s werewolves that Sookie is shacked up with Alcide, so Bill goes for the gold double standard and runs to her. Once he arrives, of course, he tells he that he still can’t be with her, he just needs to pee a circle around her first and he’ll be off. Russell shows up and his werewolves attack and bring Sookie and Bill back to Russell’s mansion. Russell sends a reluctant Lorena to kill Bill for his betrayal.

Russell and Eric kidnap Queen Sophie-Anne and Eric enjoys getting back some of his own against his disdainful queen. Russell sniffs that he has known queens and queens have been friends of his and Sophie-Anne is no queen. Sophie-Anne refuses to give them her information on Sookie, so Eric feeds on Sophie-Anne’s consort, Hadley, who happens to be Sookie’s cousin. Nearly drained, Hadley whispers Sookie’s origin to Eric. Eric manages a restrained, “Well. I wasn’t expecting that,” before taking off for the magister’s playroom, where he is torturing Pam. Eric stops him and Sophie Anne takes the fall and says that Eric was protecting her and that she was running the V-racket. The magister is threatening Sophie and Eric with great bluster when Russell arrives and says the magister can’t do anything to them.  Pam indulges in a “Nah, nah, na nah, nah” moment, and Eric tells her to wait and see how this plays out, they can always taunt later. Russell says that the only law is the law of nature and that the magister is a thing of the past. He forces the magister to wed him to Sophie-Anne and then caps a regal exit by decapitating the magister.

Sam finds out his family has been supporting themselves with illegal dog fights and that Tommy is the mutt in the ring. He rushes to Tommy’s rescue, calls his dad a loser in saggy underwear and brings Tommy home with him.

Tara drinks some of Franklin’s blood to fortify herself and then gets medieval on his head with a mace. She runs for freedom, stopping to rescue Sookie on her way. Of course, Sookie won’t leave without Bill and I’m sure Tara regrets not just jumping out the window and hoofing it, best friends since kindergarten be damned. While Sookie runs shouting “Beel!”, Tara runs into Alcide in wolf form and gasps. He transforms into naked form and she gasps.  Sookie finds Bill in the quarter with Lorena torturing him with sick, sick love. Lorena tells Sookie, “I would just love to rip you open and wear your ribcage like a hat,” and since she’s ripping off Buffy quotes, I won’t feel so bad for doing it in these recaps.

Lorena attacks Sookie and Bill holds Lorena while Sookie stakes her. Bill passes out and Sookie screams like a girl. Luckily, it’s Alcide and Tara who find them. Alcide shoots his ex Debbie’s fiancé on the way out and Debbie swears revenge.

In the back of the escape van, Sookie cuts her arm for Bill and he starts sucking a bit too enthusiastically. He pins Sookie and is draining her, his hand over her mouth. Tara finds Sookie near death when they pull over and Tara literally kicks Bill to the curb and into the sunlight. Alcide and Tara take Sookie to the hospital and Bill wakes up to find that the sunlight only tickles. With Sookie near death, Tara calls Jason and Lafayette in. Sookie finds herself in a dream world that’s a bit like Rivendell, but shot with more Vaseline on the lens. Sookie meets Claudine and feels an immediate connection with her. Claudine’s people fear vampires, which they feel makes them special but honestly, just shows sense. Bill arrives at the hospital and gives Sookie his blood. She awakens and begins screaming when she sees him. Sookie tells Bill that they can’t be together because they only end up hurting each other. (Apparently, Sookie picked up some sense in dreamland, too.)

Bill goes home to Bon Temps and frees Jessica from their vampire bond because he knows Russell will be coming for him. He answers her “No way” with a stilted “Way” and Jessica refuses to leave him, so Bill begins training her for something more than Earth Day and teaches her vampire fighting skills (sadly, no montage.)

Talbot is displeased when Russell brings Sophie-Anne home as his bride. Since Russell prefers a male consort and Sophie-Anne female ones, it’s not so much jealousy as the fear of losing his second, third and fourth bedrooms. Russell has things to do and places to be, so he placates Talbot by asking him to entertain Eric. It’s all Talbot can do to suppress a Montgomery Burns-ish “Excellent.”

Crystal goes to Jason and tells him that she escaped her family because she doesn’t want to go through with her arranged marriage to Felton. They have sex and after, Jason heads out with his shotgun to wing some hillbillies. Crystal’s family comes to Bon Temps and can sense that Tommy and Sam are shifters. Tommy and Sam can smell something weird about them, too, and it isn’t just the burnt plastic smell of meth and the earthy tang of a dying American dream.

Sam tries to get Tommy to understand that he can have a better life, but Tommy’s more interested in going toe-to-toe with Hoyt (which ends up being head-to-navel on the other side) over Jessica and tearing up Sam’s rental houses like a one-man fraternity on Spring Break.

Bill and Jessica save Sookie from werewolf Debbie but Russell appears and grabs Jessica. When Bill goes to intervene, Russell attacks him and then stops, feeling a disturbance in the vampire force. Eric has seduced Talbot with sweet nothings about how he hasn’t done this sort of thing since vampire sleep-away camp and as soon as he gets Talbot vulnerable (naked), he stakes him in retribution for the loss of his family at Russell’s hands.

Bill goes to Sookie and she tells him she loves him and he apologies for, well, pretty much everything back to Season One, but before anything else can be said, they’re naked and writhing because they have zero impulse control.  After, they talk about trust and Bill tells Sookie that he only had the file on her to figure out why Eric is so interested in her. Er, I’m pretty sure Eric was interested in her the first time she told him to go fuck himself, but whatever, Vampire Bill.

Crystal’s fiancé shows up to tell her that she’s gettin’ above her raisin’ and to haul her back to Meth City, so she knocks him out. Crystal’s dad, Calvin, shows up later at Merlotte’s and Sam beats him severely. But he’s still Crystal’s Daddy (and possibly her Grandpa) so she and Lafayette and Jesus take off for the hospital with him. Tara goes outside and is attacked by Franklin (who did NOT die) and Jason shows up with one of his Fightin’ for Jesus guns and shoots Franklin with a wooden bullet, sending him to squishville. And if that weren’t enough, the new quarterback up to the high school is about to beat Jason’s high school record and Jason’s just beside himself with the injustice of not being the center of those Friday night lights anymore. Crystal boggles at him and tells him if he thinks he has problems, she’s going to be forced to marry her half-brother and let him breed her until she’s too old to squeeze out puppies (or something). But Jason has a rebuttal: the new QB is using V to win and cheating is bad. Like hereditary incest bad.

At Fangtasia, vampire activist Nan Flanagan questions Eric about the disappearance of the magister. Eric gives her nothing but the truth: that Russell controls the werewolves, killed Eric’s family and also killed the magister. Nan tells Eric she’s not charging him with anything, but she wants him to take care of Russell quietly, because the US is about to pass vampire rights legislations and now would not be the time to look like, well, vampires. Russell is staking out Fangtasia and vows to avenge himself on Eric, Nan and the entire American Vampire League! If that weren’t grandiose enough, he makes these promises to Talbot’s gooey remains, which he carries in his arms in a Georgian lidded crystal urn (for Talbot’s sake, I hope it’s Waterford).

Tara goes to a desperately needed counseling session and is comforted by Merlotte’s new waitress, Holly. Poor Tara. When it comes to suffering, she’s right up there with Elizabeth Taylor. Holly also consoles Arlene during her pregnancy and attempts to use a witchcraft ritual to abort Arlene’s demon seed. Arlene goes to the doctor with the symptoms of a miscarriage, but the baby’s as strong (and possibly evil) as ever.

Bill wakes up in the fantasy land Sookie flitted off to previously and talks to Claudine. She fears that he has killed Sookie, since he has so much of her blood. He says he would never hurt Sookie and asks what she is. Claudine reveals glowy spirit fingers like Sookie’s and Bill gets his answer.

Russell shows up during a newscast where Nan is crusading for vampire rights and punches right through the news anchor’s chest. Russell greets America and says that vampires don’t need equal rights because human are not their equals. He threatens to personally eat everyone everywhere, and their little dogs, too. He chews the fat, chews the scenery and is eyeing the meteorologist hungrily when throws to her with, “Now, time for the weather. Tiffany?” Best. Scene. Ever.

Bill returns from the gumdrop forest and tells Sookie that she’s a faerie. Her response is a succinct, “How fucking lame.” Bill goes into a long explanation of the powers and dangers of the fae (again, he reads). Bill warns Sookie that she’s in danger since fairies were believed to be wiped out of this existence by vampires for their delicious, airy taste and daywalker enabling abilities. Bill hides Sookie at Jason’s, which Eric snarks is lame, so I don’t have to. Eric tells Bill that he, too, knows Sookie is faerie and asks about the daywalker abilities. Bill says it only lasts for minutes,  so while the idea is cool, it’s kind of like being told you’re a superhero and then being told  it’s Aquaman.

Sookie feels like she shouldn’t trust Bill (could he be hiding something, Sookie? Could he?) and goes to Eric to see if her fears are grounded. Nothing like getting an impartial opinion. Eric kisses Sookie in a totally wide awake, non-dream-like way, and then chains her in the basement to protect her or use her for her powers or just because he’s forgotten how to have sex without the basement chains. It’s Eric, who knows?

Jesus becomes intrigued by V after Lafayette uses it to save Crystal’s Daddy and wants to try it. He and Lafayette trip on it, seeing images of Jesus’ ancestors and their use of sorcery.  After they come down, Lafayette continues seeing Jesus with a demon’s face.

Jason comforts a traumatized Tara after Franklin’s death and she kisses him. Jason thinks with the right organ for once and stops the kiss. One smart decision overloads his system, though, and chooses that moment to tell her he killed Eggs. Tara runs.

Jason hears glass breaking and goes to his room to see a panther that morphs into Crystal. Jason adds werepanther to meth and incest in the minus column, but it still gets its ass kicked by hot and blonde in the plus column.

Bill senses Sookie’s fear and goes to Fangtasia. Pam holds him off with colloidal silver and but Yvetta, angry that Eric is leaving Pam all his worldly goods (what…a bunch of black tank tops and a tarnished crown that flatters neither of their complexions?) frees Sookie. Pam finds herself on the unfun side of the silver chains.

Hoyt and Jessica make up after she saves him from Tommy The Dog-Faced Boy. They start making out and Jessica tells Hoyt that she killed the trucker because she can’t live without human blood – baby, she was born (made) this way. To save the commercial trucking world, Hoyt offers his throat to her.

Sam has a flashback of his past as a shifter grifter. A grifter shifter. When he was double crossed by his female partner, he killed both her and her boyfriend. Sam later gets drunk and tells everyone at Merlotte’s that they don’t have to go home, but they can’t stay here. Tara learns from Andy that Eggs couldn’t face what he had done and wanted to die and Tara and Sam smack together like two misery magnets with a negative charge.

Russell picks up a male prostitute who looks like Talbot, kills him and snuggles with him. But it’s just not the same. Eric tells Russell that he killed Talbot to avenge his family. Russell can’t believe he lost his lover over parents who have been dead for centuries. Not to mention that Eric just sucker-staked Talbot and didn’t even give Russell the courtesy of an, “Hello. My name is Eric Northan, you killed my father. Prepare to die,” introduction. Eric distracts Russell with the news of Sookie’s faerie blood and its daywalker abilities. Not that Russell’s not still pissed, but being able to see Talbot’s urn sparkle in the sunlight would really be a treat.

Eric and Russell bring Bill and Sookie back to Fangtasia (hope they got their hands stamped) and Russell demands that Bill demonstrate daywalking first. Bill drinks from Sookie, saunters across the sunlit Louisiana asphalt and gives a zippy spin to distract Russell from the sizzle rising from his paleness. Russell sucks down some Sookie and heads outside to play, but Eric chains them together and they lie down in the parking lot and start frying like bacon. Sookie is almost dead from the blood loss and Bill is still chained up and unable to protect her by lying (or anything else). Sookie gets free and drags Eric and Russell back into the bar. She lets Eric feed from her, but they chain a charred Russell to the stripper pole. The indignity.

Tara wakes up with Sam the morning after, and he tells her that he’s a shifter. He’s feeling Free to Be You and Me, but Tara’s freaked that every guy she’s into is into something freaky and decides to reboot. She goes all Felicity with her hair and leaves town.

Hoyt’s mother, Maxine, frustrated that Hoyt didn’t go for the 20 year-old grandmother with delicious biscuits she tried to set him up with, stages an intervention. Hoyt says he’s going to be with Jessica and takes Jessica to a house he’s gotten for them and proposes. And it’s everybody run: Mama Maxine’s got a gun.

Jason and Crystal go to Hotshot to warn her family of a DEA raid. Felton shows up high on V, shoots his uncle-daddy and drags Crystal into his pickup truck. As they peel out, Crystal begs Jason to protect the children and the helpless left in the tent city.

Lafayette continues to hallucinate and fears he’s going to end up roommates with Ruby Jean. He calls Jesus and Jesus tells him that Lafayette has just had his senses opened to magic. Jesus informs Lafayette that he’s a brujo, a man-witch, but a gainfully employed and adorable one. Lafayette is getting used to being freaked out and comforted at the same time.

While Eric, Pam and Bill sleep, Russell tries to convince Sookie to set him free, offering her everything not under the sun. Believing he hopes to use her blood to resurrect Talbot, she forces Talbot’s gooey remains down the sink at Fangtasia. While that’s a bit out of character for Sookie, I doubt that Russell’s plan would have worked, anyway. Most of Talbot is still stuck to the Persian silk rug in Mississippi.

Alcide arrives at Fangtasia, saying Eric has promised to clear his family’s debt if they can bury Russell at one of his worksites. Bill and Eric bind Russell and cover him in cement. Eric sees an apparition of Godric who asks Eric to be merciful, but Godric couldn’t get through to Eric when he was corporeal. Bill slaps a pair of silver handcuffs on Eric and before Eric can say, “Kinky!” he’s thrown into the adjoining wet cement slab. Bill orders Eric’s henchmen to kill Pam.

Sam learns that Tommy has trashed his rental house and then raided Sam’s safe. Sam tracks Tommy down and holds him at gunpoint. Tommy refuses to return the money, saying that Sam cost him his family and now he has no way to make it in the world. He walks away from Sam, and just I’m just starting to think, “Yeah, yeah, boo-hoo, Tommy, your brother gave you every chance in the world,” when Sam coolly fires the gun at Tommy. Um, can I take my boo-hoo back?

Bill confesses to Sookie what he’s done to Eric and Pam and that he’ll kill any vamp who finds out what she is. Before she can decide if that’s sweet or creepy, Eric shows up with cement cracking on his tank top and tells Sookie that Bill was sent to Bon Temps by Sophie-Anne to procure Sookie and her powers for the Queen. When Bill can’t deny it, Sookie rescinds her invitation for what she swears is the last time. Probably.

Bill meets with Sophie-Anne a bitter, Sookie-less mess and attacks the vampire queen, telling her that he has nothing left to lose.

Sookie visits Gran’s grave for some quiet reflection (okay, to sob over Bill) and when Claudine appears and offers to take Sookie to the vampire-less land of the fae, Sookie agrees.

So…faeries.

 

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  • Elcazavampiros

    wow…was Season 2 so short? It took longer to write the recap

    • Elcazavampiros

      Really. A lot of stuff happened in a very short time in season 2. It took less than 9 weeks… Hmmm.

      • Suzanne

        It was A LOT of stuff. That was the most difficult recap to write. Season Three was much easier.

  • Ovild

    Once he arrives, of course, he tells he that he still can’t be with her, he just needs to pee a circle around her first and he’ll be off.

    Lines like this is why you’ll always own my heart and my left kidney.

    Thank you for spending as much time covering Sam’s plot line as it deserved. For a season where lots happened to the characters, he might as well have fallen into a coma and turned up for the beginning of season four.

    Poor Tara. I’ve never had a favourite character leave and cheered while they were doing so. I was waiting for them to start bringing back her beloved childhood pets so they could shoot them in front of her.

    • Suzanne

      Hahahaha! I’m glad you loved the pee joke (thank you for loving my pee.) My husband doesn’t drink often (a disgrace to the south if ever there was one) but when he does, he gets über possessive of me and I always invite him to just “go ahead and pee a circle around me” so that I can get back to what I’m doing (which is actually drinking, like a Christian woman from a one-horse town should.)

      I’ve never had a favourite character leave and cheered while they were doing so. So right there with you. Jesus Lord, I just knew that any minute she was going to go blind or discover her evil twin.

  • “Lorena forgets her safe word and Bill sends her head ‘round the twist until she’s gone from a missionary view to a reverse cowgirl one without ever changing position”

    AMAZING. And spot on. Although I feel there was an opportunity missed to say that Eric staked Talbot at both ends, but I always like a dick joke.

    • Suzanne

      I was amused that you had a reverse cowgirl joke in your 2nd Game of Thrones recap. We might be geeks, but we’re flexible geeks.

      Ah! I should have gone for that with the Eric and Talbot. I, too, am not immune to a good dick joke.

  • Lunabee34

    Bill doesn’t have a Facebook but he does know Tool.
    Ahahahaahahahahahaahahahahahahaahaha.
    *wipes eyes*