Seriously, the entire first five minutes we hear Bashley whining about the Super Douche, Bentley(gag). We also see her walking around Hong Kong in really tight jeans. HOLY WIDE GAP BATMAN! Which brings me to the internetweb rumors which are running rampant that Bashley and the Super Douche totally banged it out before he left the show. Which would explain why we are still talking about the Super Douche even though she’s TV dating 7 other dudes with perfect hair and perfect teeth (or horse mouths, whatever.) Frankly, I’d prefer the rumor to be true because that would explain why she was holding on tightly and not letting go of the Super Douche. However, I’m really not sure it’s possible the way the show works becasue Bashley is never away from the camera. Ever. Because she is the star of Unreality TV. Therefore if she had had sexual relations with that Douche, there would be evidence. (and I’m not talking about the blue dress kind of evidence. Or am I?)
So Mr. Overpaid comes to Bashley’s room and they discuss how even though she’s dating 7 great guys she’s still hung up on the one True Super Douche and he knows she won’t find her Happy Ending outside of one of those special massage parlors if she doesn’t explore the “dot dot dot” that Bentley(gag) left hanging over her head. (I realize that was a huge run-on sentence but I felt it necessary to just get it over with and punctuation was getting in the way.) And breathe. Mr. Overpaid tells Bashley that Super Douche wants to talk to her and Bashley says “That’s good.” Then Mr. Overpaid says, “He’s here, in this hotel right now.” and she’s all “Shut UP!” and he’s all “No you shut up!” And she’s all “Are you serious!” and he’s all “Totes!” and then I shot myself in the foot because it would be less painful than the beginning of this episode.
Bashley works up the courage to go to Bentley’s(gag) room, knocks on the door and when he opens it, we witness the most awkward kiss greeting ever. It’s like when your ex forgets he’s the ex and totally greets you with a big kiss and hug and then you’re all *raised eyebrows & crickets* and he’s all “What?” So Bashley kisses Bentley(gag) and he smirks and backs away. Then she follows him in and wipes the evidence off his lips because everyone knows Super Douches don’t wear lavender lip gloss.
Now we enter the awkward small talk portion of the episode. Bentley says he thought about calling but really just wanted to see her. (interpretation: the producers begged me to come back because you’re so heartbroken so I let them pay for vacation so I can put an end to this ridiculousness and see Hong Kong.)
Bentley(gag) keeps slapping her knee like she was his best pal. Bashley tells him it was uncool to leave her with the open-ended “dot dot dot” (I’m so fucking tired of that phrase) and that basically he needs to man up and tell her if he really meant it to be a period (not of the Aunt Flo variety that we learn about in 5th grade health class). Bentley(gag) has shifty eyes and doesn’t make much eye contact and continues to try to touch her awkwardly and says things like “If it doesn’t work out with these guys you can come to Salt Lake City.” and “I think you know where I’m at.” (between the ‘a’ and the ‘t’?) and “I think you know where I’m coming from,” and “I think you’re here for a purpose.” and this is where she actually says “Sometimes you have to be a man and say it. Because the truth is I was broken when you left and it’s not easy for me to say that to you. You leave me with the dot dot dot and me wanting you and if that’s what you wanted, mission a-fucking-complished. And I’m holding on to this stupid dot dot dot that you left me with.” And he mumbles and shifts his eyes. And she’s like you came all the way here for that? And he says I really wanted to see you. And he tries to touch her again. And she stares at him and pulls on her lip and finally says “that’s it?” and he says “Yeah.”
Then we have a private interview with Bashely in the same outfit but her hair looks completely different and she says how he disrespected her and how she’s angry and then looks at the camera and says “Bentley if you’re watching this? Fuck you.”
Damn. She’s pissed. They totally filmed that interview after she saw all the footage of Bentley being the Super Douche. And now hopefully we’re done with the Super Douche storyline. Seriously.
Okay, 1-on-1 date time. The card reads “Lucas let’s find our good fortune on the streets of Hong Kong.” Okay, they better not go shopping again. Because honestly, we’ve had 2 market shopping dates and they make for boring TV.
Sadly, it’s another shopping date. The only thing that made this shopping date any different from the other two is the neon signs and the dragons. Bleh. Bo. Ring. I’m glad I’m drinking. In her voice over Bashley says she’s having a really good time with Lucas and hasn’t thought about Bentley at all.” HUH? didn’t you just mention him? Doesn’t that mean you’re thinking of him?
They get on a boat that just drifts along the bay and really goes nowhere fast and suddenly I realize the boat is a metaphor for this date. After Lucas tells us his first wife was the love of his life until she wasn’t, we have the second most awkward kiss moment in the episode. He gets the date rose and he says:
Lucas: “I do really want to give you a kiss though?” Bashley: “Really?”
Lucas: “Do you mind?”
Wow. Slow down bad boy. You’re moving way too fast.
Oops. not so much. Bashley’s tongue is always looking for a new mouth to play in, so Lucas leaned in and began to EAT HER FACE. damn boy. Didn’t you just have dinner?
Group date time. Ben & Constantine are on a team, Blake & Ryan are a team, and Ames & Mickey are a team. They have to recruit people to help them “dragon boat race.”
Ben and Constantine can’t seem to recruit anyone for their team–but they have a good time holding hands and skipping through the market. Sorry guys. You suck–but you totally win the cutest couple award. They (seriously) buy matching kimonos so they will look awesomely stupid when they lose. Mickey and Ames seem to have a lot more luck and they actually find people who know what dragon boat racing is and know how to do it. Blake and Ryan get some folks but they bore me so who cares.
Okay the best part of this stupid date is Ben and Constantine’s team starts chanting Bo-chee which really inspired Ben and Constantine to try not to lose by so much. Later they discover it means “idiot.” Fantastic. This shit writes itself!
Mickey and Ames win, we rest on the beach and what do you know! someone gets engaged right in front of them. “Who’s next?” Bashley asks and everyone looks away nervously. Don’t look it in the eyes! It will slap the gold band of forever on the 4th finger of your left hand and you’ll never have sex again!
Evening date and Bashley is wearing another hideous dress. Thank ABC her make up is better tonight. But damn this dress is awful. Like really awful. She is batting 1000 in craptastic wardrobe. I wonder if she has stock in Forever 21 or something.
She and Ames get some alone time together. They get on an elevator and he presses floor 48 and on the voice over he’s saying how he thinks everything is awesome and things are progressing slowly which is what he likes and he’s ready to take the relationship to a new level. So we go back to the elevator and Ames is standing behind Bashley and he is leering at her as he’s lording over her. He grabs her arm and his smile gets super horsey and creeptastic. Like when your lecherous drunk uncle eyes you after his 6th beer with bourbon back (just me?). Anyway, I think he was going for sexy but really, he scared the ill-fitting dress off of Bashley for a second when he pushed her against the elevator wall and planted a horse-kiss on her. The kiss lasted for 4 floors, then the elevator stops. Then they kiss for the rest of the way up and it’s so VERY uncomfortable to watch. Ugh. A horse is a horse of course of course and nobody kisses a horse of course! Ames is trying to tongue his way out of the friend zone but sorry dude. That house is built. You better buy yourself a comfy couch because you’re going to be there a while.
Next it’s Ben’s turn to kiss Bashley. And it was actually pretty awkward to watch as well. Bashley’s tongue is getting a workout and my eyes are searching for the mind bleach. GAH!
Now Ryan gets his alone time with Bashley and Blake and Ben put their manties on to play pool and bitch about Ryan. The man-ginas are strong in these two. And even though his ears are burning while he’s with Bashley he’s still all “Dudette. WHEN AM I GONNA HAVE A REAL DATE? I wanna be all up in you and not have to share you!” And that’s when Bashley decides he gets the group date rose and all the other girls on the date cry and throw hissy-fits because they don’t understand. It’s so unfair, Mommy!
Next 1-on-1 date is with JP and right now, I’m wishing they would go shopping and buy her a new outfit because 1991 called and wants its see-through white top with black bra back. This date is a real date, JP and Bashley dig each other. Bashley(gag) decides she needs to open up about Bentley and tells JP he’s the only person she’s sharing this with right now. She tells him she saw Bentley in Hong Kong and she is happy to report she got closure blah blah blah. He pretends to listen as he stares at the black bra. They share the only kiss on tonight’s show that reminded me of why I’m a voyeur. It wasn’t awkward! Forced! Or a Friend Zone kiss. Woohoo. JP gets the rose and we move on to the cocktail party with all the bitchy little girls.
Bashley is wearing another horrid outfit…it’s so sparkly it actually hurts my eyes. AND LOOK. I’M A FAN OF THE SPARKLE YO. (not the sparkle-pire, but sparkle in general) She gets the party started with “Do you guys remember when Bentley(gag) left?” And they were all “Who? No! Bentley? Doesn’t ring a bell.” and she said, “Well I saw him here in Hong Kong a couple of days ago to make sure it was all over and I’m all happy-a-go-go now.” And that’s when you hear the record scratch and then the pin drop.
Some of the dudes were like really pissed. They were all but, but, but you told me on our date last week that you had moved on and now you’re all “I FINALLY got my closure?” Wah! Bashley was trying to be an adult and half the “guys” acted like 13 year old girls. Wow. JP and Ryan sat back and just watched. JP didn’t let on he knew. They pummel her with questions like “WTF? we were second fiddle to a dude you hardly knew? Why am I even here?” The guys start piling it on one at a time and Mickey says “I don’t see what you saw in that guy but if that’s who you’re interested in, send me home.” And Ashley’s all “You don’t wanna be here, put your big girl manties on and leave!” And he says “I won’t let the door hit me in the ass. Booyah bitches!” Bashley cries and cries and says I was just trying to be honest. Y’all can leave if you want but I want you to stay. Lucas is still pissed about the whole thing but it doesn’t look like he’s so mad that he’ll give some other guy his date rose.
Rose ceremony time: Ryan, JP and Lucas already have a rose. Ames(she likes horses), Ben and Constantine get roses and Blake gets the boot.
Good lord. I’m glad that’s over. Next show is in two weeks. I think they are repeating this episode next week because everyone needs a super dose of the Super Douche on the 4th of July…