Kim G shows up. So basically this is gonna be a loooong night. And I would like to state for the millionth time that money doesn’t buy you class (isn’t that a song by one of the housewives from another show?) And Exhibit A is Kim Granatell, aka Kim G. Let’s dive right into Tacky Christmas!
At Teresa’s, the whole family is decorating their big ol’ tree, and she asks one of her girls what Christmas means to her. “Presents!” Come on, she’s three, what else is she going to say, family togetherness and eternal life? Puh-lease. Then Teresa tells the camera that because of the bankruptcy they’re cutting back this year. As they jam gold swizzle sticks into the tree. Then Melania, the four year old, whacks the baby in the face. Merry Christmas!
Jesus Spice is also decorating her tree with her family, and their tree decorator. No, they have a friend there that is introduced as their “tree decorator.” She sits on the floor while Joe puts together the fake tree for the kitchen and everyone else puts the decorations on the other tree. I’m missing something about this woman’s responsibilities.
Look, gang, Melissa just wants everything to be perfect for Jesus’ Birthday. (Side note, I have family members – Baptists and Born Agains – that throw an actual party for Jesus. Like a birthday cake, the birthday song, someone blowing out the birthday candles, the whole nine. I just find that so funny. Because a party for Jesus? What do you get the Saint that has everything? I tell ya: a battery recharger. It’s the only thing he probably doesn’t have, no one ever remembers the recyclable batteries.)
Hilarious moment: as Bro Joe tries to lift the top half of the fake tree into place, he almost loses it (it’s heavy) and the camera cuts to the baby Joe on the floor in a precarious spot. People, come on! Babies go in the entryway, that was established back at Halloween!
Back at the Giudices, Teresa pulls Joe aside in the living room and asks him when this all is going to end, the constant headlines, the tabloid fodder, etc. She knows how Brangelina feels now. Juicy says that he don’t care nuthin’ about these stupid rumors, this stupid bankruptcy, none a’dat. They ain’t in trouble, arightaready.
Teresa tells the camera about Juicy spending 10 days in the pokey (so that’s why he can still do splits) during the summer and how they told their daughters that Daddy went on a fishing trip. Everyone knows that new inmates are called “fish” right? Ahaha. I don’t think Teresa knows that. Juicy tells Tre to quit worrying, and focus on him and the girls. He’s not wrong.
Melissa and Bro Joe talk about the upcoming party as they decorate their own tree (where the hell is the decorating friend?) They’re worried about the two families getting together again for the first time since the Christening, and Mel says that Juicy best come correct. Oy. Let’s hope the Giudices behave themselves.
At the Laurita’s, Jacqueline brings Wahshley a birthday present (in addition to the Jeep step-daddy Chris gave her) and it’s a “protection necklace.” Jacqueline says it’s from her psychic to help Wahshley out, and it’s beautiful with chicken feet, newt eyes and bugwort. She’ll get used to the smell eventually. (The smell means it’s working!)
Jacqueline then tells Wahshley that her dad wanted to be there for her birthday, but got a bad case of the flu and he’s really sorry. It was going to be a surprise. Instead of feeling warm fuzzies that her dad tried, she tells her mom that she wish she didn’t even know, because if there’s one talent of Ashley’s, it’s that she can turn anything into a complaint. It’s a super power, really.
Jacqueline tells the camera that she gets frustrated with her daughter at times because Ashley’s dad can evidently do no wrong, but Jacqueline is the one that was in the trenches for years dealing with all of her daughter’s shit. Not that Jacqueline and her ex don’t get along, because they do. Her irritation is directed where it should be: with her bratty kid.
We cut to a glorified Benihana’s M.T Fuji, and I have no idea why the period is in between the M and the T. The Manzo kids and Greg are there first, and Greg – who is becoming one of my favorites – calls the place a Japanese Jurassic Park. Ha! Clever girl, Greg. (No Velociraptors jump out to kill him after this, so he’s safe. For now.)
Lauren, smiling, says that no fucking way will she be sitting next to Ashley tonight. Ha ha! Greg asks what Ashley got for her birthday, and Lauren, still smiling and laughing, says, “Exactly what she fucked up last year!” Greg looks confused, so Christuhphuh fills him in: a jeep. (Earlier first season, Step-dad Chris bought her a Jeep, she screwed up and had it taken away. It was paid for, too.) Albie says it’s a good thing she has a car, now she has no more excuses.
Sweet, naïve, positive thinking Albie. This is Wahshley. She’ll always find an excuse, it’s what she does.
Everyone else is there, except for Ashely, who is driving over with her friends. Late. Ashley tells the camera that her step-dad is cool and all, but money can’t buy a relationship. CHILD, DO YOU KNOW WHAT YOU ARE SAYING? As you get into your car after waking from your house while wearing your designer things, all paid for by your step-dad? I hate this brat, I really do. (I wish Chris had heard this so he could have stiffed her with the bill for dinner – for 30+ people, I might add – and said that he doesn’t want his money to buy her a relationship, either. So call her real dad, then. He wouldn’t, though, because he’s a good guy.)
They finally show up, hugs all around, and I can’t even point out all the bratty things she does. Wait, yes I can. She flicks her head towards Chris when she’s asked who paid for her car. She texts during the entire night. She doesn’t sit with her parents. She then gives a lip service thanks to everyone after they toast her, saying, “Thanks, even though I don’t always seem grateful.” So see, now she doesn’t have to appear grateful, because she said thanks. Marone, this strega! [emphatic hand gestures]
We move to Mel’s where Fabulous Fred has shown up to give the run down for their holiday party. Joe just wants to know what the bottom line is, as he does a few shots to ease the pain. Fabulous Fred drops his mincing act for a second to ask why Joe’s breaking his balls? What, he wants some dirt-sleeping slingblades to show up serving biscuits and mustard, or does he want models serving canapés? Because it’s a different price for each.
How much, you succhiatore? About 50 large. (That’s $50,000.) But hey, this is also a charity party, they’ve asked everyone to bring a gift to be donated to St. Josephs. Bro Joe tells the camera, “I’m paying a lot of money for this party. Is it worth it? It’s for the kids. Losing their hair, cancer…” So have a big drunken shin dig! Hey, at least they’re doing something. (But you could have had a pot luck and donate the whole amount, I’m just saying.)
Next is decorating at Kathy and Rich’s modest place. I love that they have a normal person home. Rich talks about how he has to show his lady he’s a man by doing things around the house. Like ordering a company to string up exterior lights. Ha ha. I love this guy, he laughs at himself. They show Kathy and the kids putting up their tree, and why in the hell do they have Rum Tum Tugger as their tree topper? Is there a Christmas in Jersey subplot to Cats that I never picked up on?
Caroline and Big Al head over to their jeweler to pull the trigger on some bracelets for the kids. Two similar links hooked up with a unique link to symbolize the boys and Lauren. Al likes it so much that he wants one, too. Aww, that’s nice.
The party gets set up at the Gorga’s house. They will spare no expense for Jesus’ birthday. Mel is tight with God, you guys. And we have a fantastic segue where Joe tells Mel that if she’s gonna cut off his salami (it’s long and boring, the story leading up) then she’s going to need a chainsaw. And they show the ice sculpture dudes outside with chainsaws cutting into a massive block. (That’s how you get rid of the poison.)
Party time! Some woman in gold lame and high heels struggles to climb the front steps as her date, already at the top, watches. Such a gentleman. There’s a red carpet, a place to have pictures taken out front like they expect to end up on E! News, and some out of place Dickinson carolers inside. (And the hot model waiters in sexy Santa outfits – they didn’t go with the uglies.) It’s everything Jesus could hope for.
Greg, coming in with the Manzo boys, says that it looks like the Bellagio. (I’ve been to the Bellagio, it needs more Chihuly.) Mel is just ecstatic over how it’s turning out. The casino things are great, they have “Gorga money” to pass out, and there’s a bar set up in the lie-berry. Class, is what she’s saying. It’s classy. The food and drinks look great.
At the Giudices, Teresa is ready to go just after 8pm, but Joe is in sweats watching TV. I swear, just go without him, why does he need to come? He’s such a grump. Hey, he might be facing jail time for perjury, let the man watch his stories. She finally gets him moving to get out the door. (An hour and change later.) Before they leave, he tells Tre that he’s going to kickbox (sport of the future?) anybody that says anything ugly to her.
Melissa leaves the party for a minute because her crotch gets cold in her g-string. So she puts on a thermal thong and everything is better. I wish I was making this up.
And I have to say, for this being a “charity event,” there aren’t a lot of gifts in the Donate pile. That makes me think they tacked the whole “bring a gift!” thing on at the end, because let’s face it: these people like to shop.
Just before 10pm (the party started at 8) is when Tre and Juicy show up. The drunken brother in law from the Christening – his name is Joey like everyone else in Jersey, also, he’s married to the Gorgon sister of Melissa – sees Juicy and gives him the stink eye. Mel goes over and kisses them both, compliments them both, it’s nice. Maybe this truce will stick.
Kathy comes over and tells Teresa that it’s nice to see her, Tre says the same, they ask about each other’s kids, and Kathy walks off. She comes back and tells Tre that no seriously, it’s nice to see her. Teresa says, “Oh, so now it’s nice to see me?” WHY. Why do you do this? And Kathy gets mad, stomps off, tells her husband behind a closed door that she’s mad that she looks like an asshole when she was trying to be nice, and Rich shows his support by threatening to burn the place down. No? No burning? Then get over her and let’s have a fucking good time. This guy, I tell you. He cracks me up.
Juicy walks past Drunk Joey and says hey. He’s being nice, no more grumpy Juicy, which is surprising and lovely. Except for how Drunken Joey is a dick. “Hey, you got that money you owe me?” he slurs. Juicy looks genuinely perplexed and asks what he’s talking about.
“I fixed your air conditioning and you didn’t pay me and said to sue you for it.”
What the hell? Buddy, you’re saying you were friends, fixed someone’s appliance, and are being a dick about payment at a holiday party? Juicy shows restraint and says, “How about you call me another day and we’ll talk about it?” Translation: now is not the time. Someone pulls Drunk Joey away while a bunch of mooks stare at this with glee.
Teresa tells Melissa that her brother in law is being a dick, and he needs to knock it off. While that’s true, why don’t these people know how to talk nicely? ASK Melissa, don’t command her. Melissa does, though, and tells Drunk Joey to shut the hell up, wassamatta witchu? Bro Joe intercedes and pulls him to a corner and gets him so blitzed he’ll hopefully fall asleep.
AND THEN IT HAPPENS. The most baffling thing to ever happen at a party that I’ve ever seen. (That hasn’t ended in an actual fight with police.) Kim G pulls up with a weak-ass looking security guard. And with her is her +1, Monica Chacon. As in the wife of the attorney representing the people suing Juicy and Teresa. I will say that I love the dress Monica is wearing.
They come in, Kim G looks super proud of herself, and they immediately grab free champagne in the foyer and toast to “arguing intelligibly… intelligently.” Save it for the lie-berry, Kim G, you and your no worth ethnics. Also, Kim G has had her face hoisted so far up, I’m afraid the pull is going to break and her face will look like a Shar-pei at the end of the night.
Juicy sees her and tells Teresa to not say a word to her. Kathy walks over to Kim and says “Hi, beauty!” in such a kiss ass way that I almost don’t know that it’s Kathy Wilkie. Caroline sidles over to Tre and Juicy, trying to figure out what’s happening. Tre tells Melissa that “[Monica] needs to leave.” Melissa is just bewildered, because she has no idea who Monica is and why she’s in her home. Valid point.
She tells the camera that no matter her issues with Teressa, their financial problems are no one else’s business. Melissa has totally won me over, I’m not going to act otherwise. I’m so pro-Gorga since last episode, it’s not even funny. And here’s further proof why you should like her, too.
She walks over to Kim and her posse – still in the entryway – greets them, and pulls Kim aside so she can talk privately to her. She tells Kim that Monica needs to go. And Kim G says, “Oh, Monica’s not afraid of her.” WHAT? Who said Monica was, you crazy old bat?
Bro Joe is there now, too. A massive back and forth ensues with Joe calmly telling Kim that Teresa is his sister, his loyalties lie with her, and Monica needs to leave. Mel says the same thing, they’re both being very polite and calm about it, very apologetic for any discomfort. But that only works if you’re talking with someone that is not Kim G.
Mel says, “It’s a holiday. I’m sorry, I can’t have her here.”
“Oh, I can’t do that,” Kim G says with a smile. I would have slapped her at this point. Who gives a shit what you can do, Kim, it’s not your house nor is it your party. Who is this person?
Jacqueline heads over while this is going on. The back and forth has truly gone on for about a half hour. Kim G tells the Gorgas that they don’t need to worry about Monica, “she’s a classy lady, she’s an attorney.” Joe says that regardless, it’s still his sister and it’s his house. Kim keeps pushing it and I don’t know why someone doesn’t grab her by the elbow and march her out of there. Christ.
Jacqueline stares Kim down and asks why she’s starting shit? Kim just keeps her reptilian grin and her ridiculous argument going as Monica saunters over. Monica asks who Joe is after he says hello. THAT IS THE HOME OWNER, MORON. And before you get any sympathy for Monica, who is managing to sound calm with her quiet voice, she then tells Joe that his sister has tortured her for three and a half years. WHO CARES. Why do you think this is an okay topic to have with that person’s only brother?
Mel shuts it down, she doesn’t want to talk about any of it (see? She’s awesome.) Kim starts to ask if they can just keep Teresa locked in a kennel, or something and Mel ignore this. She walks Monica to the door, apologizing for the inconvenience and embarrassment, but she’s firm. And polite. I would have lost it by this point.
Jacqueline tells Kim that this vendetta shit needs to end to which Kim lizard smiles back and says that she’s owed an apology. FOR WHAT, YOU NUMBSKULL? Oh my god, this woman is crazy. At least Teresa’s crazy is obvious: she has a temper and wants everyone to like her. And if they don’t, she flips a table at them. Kim is just weird and tries to stir shit and cause drama so she can be entertained, then, when people don’t play along, she’s owed an apology? All of this can’t be over old lady crack ass. And if it is, how is all of this drama going to get you an apology? That’s like starting a fire because someone scorched your cookies when they forgot to shut the oven off.
Also, Kim is not officially a part of the show. So all of this is for what? For her own crazy needs, that’s what.
But fear not, gang, because next week we get to see the Manzo boys cart her out of there by the elbow (finally!) after Caroline gets in her face for starting shit. GO MANZOS! [The fabulousness is RIGHT HERE!]