“This whole journey does a lot for people.”
There’s a quote I can get behind. It says so much without saying anything. And that’s how this episode begins. Lots of words with very little meaning…
Okay, let me start off by saying, it KILLS me that at every hometown date, each family says “It means so much that he’s bringing her home to meet the family.” No, it only means that your son has a 25% chance of getting engaged on national TV and a 75% chance of being dumped and reading about it in the National Enquirer.
So we start the show with Bashley bringing in her mail (all 2 pieces) saying how happy she is to be back in the states. She waxes on, waxes off about the 4 remaining fellas and how awesome they all are in their own way.
Ben has great hair and is just a man. (a maaaaaaaan!)
Constantine is sexy and sweet. (my favorite in Man Candy)
Ames is still unique. (taking bets on who’s going home tonight…)
JP she feels like she’s known him forever and can be anyone she wants around him. (he prefers naughty nurse but likes tiny boobless dancer as well.)
We get a full 7 minute segment on how awesome the douches are and how they will all make the best husbands ever and ever amen. And she’s ready. She’s so ready to find her husband.
Great. Let’s get to the hometown dates, shall we?
1st hometown date is with Constantine in Cumming, GA. (How much cumming, can a woodchuck cum, if a woodchuck could cum in Cumming?)
Constantine takes Bashley to their family run restaurant, Giorgio’s. They make pizza and toss salads in the kitchen. Sadly, those are not euphemisms. Sigh. Constantine is turning on the “charm” and they are totally being voyeured by the waitstaff while they toss their salads. Which again, sadly, is not a euphemism. If it were, this would actually be the kinda date that should be happening in Cumming.
They go to meet the family, who is sitting around on a sectional boozing it up like a good Greek family. There is enough food to feed an army, and they toast in Greek and talk about partying when they come back.
The best part about this date is that Dimitri can’t really pronounce Ashley’s name. She becomes Assley. And on so many levels, I love this.
Mom asked Assley if she’d relocate to Cumming if they are together. “I LOVE CUMMING! DON’T YOU LOVE CUMMING! LET’S CUM TOGETHER!”
The family thinks Assley is awesome and that they look great and happy together and Opa!
Speaking of Opa! The rest of his Big Fat Greek Family shows up with Ouzo and more food and they have the lamb and dance in circles, and clap and drink while money is just tossed into the air. Opa!
The word amazing is then used multiple times as they wrap up the amazing date with his amazing family with Assley’s amazing ass.
Next up is horse mouth…Ames. Let’s head to Chadds Ford, PA where we see Ames gallop like a my pretty pony toward Assley. Ooops. Wrong date….Seriously, his run is as “Unique” as he is. Ashley’s demeaner is very friendly and warm but she’s not exactly humping his leg. She keeps a bigger distance between her and Ames. She’s not as touchy-feely as she seems to be with the other dudes.
Mom is pleased Ames looks healthy and happy. What the hell did she think Ames was doing on the Bachelorette…Meth? Jesus. They vacationed in Taiwan…they weren’t imprisoned there.
Sister asks the “tough” question of “What are your feelings for Ames.” And after some fantastic deflection with a smile, Ashley answers, “Our relationship is moving slower than the others but I still wanna learn more about him.” (HINT. HINT.)
I told y’all way back in Episode whatever that Ames had been put in the friend zone. Yep. He’s still receiving mail at that zip code. Sorry Ames. Take your ugly red and blue Brawny man shirt and stay home.
Ashley says in her private interview that she likes Ames but she’s still missing that spark between them… Yes, we all are…
Next up…Ben the Winemaker in Sonoma, CA. They go to the winery Ben works at and proceed to get sloshed directly out of the barrels…wait. No. That was just me fantasizing.
Sadly, we did not see their Cork Soakers either. ($1 internet money if you got that reference!)
Okay, these two spend an afternoon drinking wine and the only kiss they have is the most chaste fucking thing I’ve ever seen. Bashley’s tongue probably got more action this morning in the mirror.
Ben keeps talking about how this has been an emotional journey and he’s opening up emotionally and that he’s surprised by his emotions.
I’m drunk just from the buzzwords.
Ben tells Bashley that if his family, especially his mom, doesn’t like her…then it won’t work for him. So good luck.
But of course, the family loves her, thinks they look great together, hopes their son/brother will be happy and not get hurt. And they are happy to see his new emotional side.
And then we see Ben cry. Wow. Maybe he drank more wine than I thought.
Next up is JP in Roslyn, NY. JP informs Bashley that it’s supposed to be raining men today so they have to take cover and have an inside date.
They have a roller rink all to themselves and I am in heaven. I want to be on this date. Right. Now. (with wine. a barrel of wine. I’m sure Ben would donate one…) They both seem to have a great time, really have good chemistry, do a lot of giggling and laughing and acting all goofy under a disco ball. Real kisses to REO Speedwagon (epic WIN) as they couple skate. Ben and Ames are gonna see how to do it right when they watch this episode.
They meet the family, eat lasagna, embarrass JP by bringing a poster sized pic of 13 year old JP from his Bar Mitzvah. As they said, he was a combo of Kirk Cameron and Doogie Howser. It was fantastic.
Again, the family loved her. I was actually disappointed that we didn’t at least have one asshole show up in this season. Seriously, there’s always at least one ridiculous family member who gets drunk and spouts off stupid shit. Or someone with bad roots who should have on a better bra. These refined families are for the birds. Bashley tells JP’s mom that she’s smitten with her son. JP tells the family that somewhere between Phuket and Hong Kong “It turned real.”
Okay, let’s wrap this burrito up, shall we? Rose ceremony comes and Ames goes. Nobody is suprised but Ames. And strangely enough, he almost looks happy about it. It’s like he thinks that not getting the rose makes him the winner. Then he realizes he’s the loser and he’s still smiling. It’s a dazed smile and the disappointment is there, but he handles it very gracefully. He told her he will cherish every memory they made together and is very glad to have had her in his life even briefly. Or something like that. He is definitely unique. It was kinda sweet and I almost forgave him for last week’s awful red pants.
Next week, I think we have the Men Tell All episode (which could be awesome if the Super Douche returns) and then we have the overnight fantasy suite dates in Fiji where Bashley can screw the final three if she wants. Let’s hope they toss a lot of salads in Fiji, if you know what I mean… and I think you do.