The Bachelorette: Season Ashley, episode 9

Welcome to Fiji boys and girls. And just in case you didn’t know, it’s the perfect place to fall in love. I know that we all know it now, because that’s all Bashley keeps saying. “Fiji is the perfect place to find love.” “It’s the ultimate place to fall in love.” (for everyone but Constantine, that is. DOH!)”It’s a once in a lifetime chance to find my future husband.” We GET IT. NOBODY CAN FIND LOVE ANYWHERE ELSE BUT ON FIJI.

The hometown dates went so well, that Bashley believes she can definitely find true love on Fiji. (IF THIS WERE A DRINKING GAME, I’D BE DRUNK BY THE END OF THE FIRST 7 MINUTES.)

We go through the guys one by one and Bashley says “There is never a dull moment with Ben.” I’m left to wonder if she’s actually been on her dates with him. I mean, he’s a nice guy and all, but if you were to ask me one word to describe Ben–it would be dull. He’s sweet. He’s genuine. He’s dull.

Then we get to Constantine where we find out how he’s thoughtful, honest, and handles things in a mature way. “He’s very true to his feelings.” Um, yep. You’re gonna find out how true pretty soon. He’s so true he doesn’t even wanna knock it out with you before he leaves you!

JP “His smile is the cutest thing.” He’s sincere, he’s grown (that’s good to know) and she knew after the first date with JP that things were gonna get pretty serious.

We see Bashley on the couch writing in her journal. I like to imagine she’s writing her fantasy suite fantasies down. I mean, she’s got the chance for happy happy nekkid time with her top three guys…(well, until Constantine dumps her that is) so I like to imagine she’s writing down what it is she wants and with who. Or maybe that she wants all of them at once. Bow chicka bow bow!

Probably she’s just writing “This journey has been amazing.”

So before her date with Ben we hear a knock on the door. Bashley opens it up to see Mr. Sunshine, Ryan is back. Yes, Ryan. The dude she sent home mid-date last week, even though she didn’t have to. He’s back saying he doesn’t wanna go through life with regrets and maybe just maybe Bashley regretted sending him packing. Ryan called Mr. Overpaid and Mr. Overpaid sends him to Fiji. Ryan says, “I can live with your answer either way, but I just want some more time with you.” Now, he should have ended his begging right there, but nope…he kept pitching. And I think it’s sweet if he really couldn’t get her out of his mind and really wanted to fight for what he wanted, but come on! This is the Bachelorette. I’d be the producers knew this was gonna be a boring show and since they’ve already beaten the Bently(gag) horse to death, they decided to bring back Ryan. Also, I think Ryan is in line to be the next Bachelor…

Ben and Bashley go for a luxury yahct ride and we see lots of laughing and flirting and at one point, Bashley even straddles him to apply lotion to his chest. I will admit this is the first time I’ve seen Ben express (not milk, emotions!) They snorkel, hold hands, have dinner, and Ben tells us he’s opening up and that even his mother says he seems happy. “This journey has been a breakthrough for me and I’m finding myself again.”

Then Bashley opens the card that’s been staring them in the face for the entire dinner. “You can choose to forgo your individual rooms to shack up together.” And Bashley’s all “I will if you will!” and he’s all “Duh!” So after Ben tries to tell her he loves her (he ends up saying something along the lines he’s on his way to tell her he loves her. HIS PERSONAL JOURNEY TO LOVE. Will he take a cab? a Vespa?) they hold hands and take a tour of their fantasy suite. (Which, honestly, I’d find love with whoever took me to a room like that. Wow.) The swim in their personal pool connected to the open bedroom then the cameras go away because this isn’t “that kinda show.” Unfortunately. The thing is, if you watch these two together, all their kisses are damn near chaste. I think her pillows get more action than Ben’s tongue did. I’m pretty sure there was no nekkid olympics going on in the fantasy suite with Ben and Bashley. Humph.

The next date is Constantine…and we FINALLY get our Bachelorette helicopter ride. We’ve usually had at least one by now. Anyway, Bashley says as they fly over the islands that “I have a Greek God to my left and the crystal blue waters below me, I could not picture a more perfect date.”

Now enter one of my favorite moments of this ridiculous episode. The helicopter is flying overhead, and the camera pans to a lonely man walking along the beach, supposedly looking up at the helicopter. Oh yeah! Ryan! He’s so forlorn. He just wants to spend more time with Bashley! Oh the woe! Then we see him sitting in a cave staring out at the sea. His sadness is edible and is currently being served with a side of pity.

Back to the date…we get to a beautiful lagoon with a waterfall. They jump in and swim while Bashley tells the camera that “Love is a leap of faith” and she hopes constatnine is willing to take it. We get to the picnic portion of the date where Bashley talks about how he’s still really closed off and she wants him to open up. “Can I say something to you that I learned about you on our hometown that I think directly relates to our relationship?” “sure.” “How many houses did you look at before you bought one.” Constantine barks in laughter because he’s cold busted. “108. BUT houses and women are totally different.”

Hahahaha. Dude needs a few more choices before he’s ready to buy a farm. I mean, a wife.

Oy. This date is painful.

But it’s about to get better. They go to dinner and Bashely is trying very hard to get their relationship to “progress.” They take a sip of wine and comment “Fruity.”

“Very Fruity.”

Then Bashley asks “Is it weird for you that you and your friend (Ben) are dating the same girl?”

I don’t hear what Constantine says because he kinda mumbles. Then Bashely says “I dont’ feel like you wanna hold my hand or even be around me all the time…”

and he says, “Things come naturally to me…and I haven’t been able to do that.”

We have more of Constantine’s honesty…where he admits to Bashley he doesn’t have the 100% certainty to ask her father for her hand and he respects her too much to spend the night with her in the fantasy suite.

AND THEN WE GET COCK BLOCKED BY THE PRESIDENT! DAMN MAN. THE THIRD DOUCHETESTANT THIS SEASON IS BREAKING UP WITH BASHLEY AND YOU TOTALLY COCK BLOCKED ME!

After we return from the national crisis, Bashley purses her lips and flips her hair. “Where does that leave us.”

“If we’re honest, this is the end of the road for me.”

Damn. How hard is it for Bashely that 3 douchetestants left during her season. 1st Bently(gag), then Mickey, and now Constantine.

Of course, we still have Ryan waiting patiently for her…maybe she’ll spend her rejected fantasy suite night with him. You know, consolation sex…No?

We all know by now that poor Ryan stood no chance in hell, right? The next day, she tells Ryan goodbye forever and ever and please never try this again because damn, I’d hate to do a hat trick of rejection on your ass. But he’s kinda clueless (not as clueless as Ames, but not far off) so he needs to be told exactly what not to do.

Now onto the date with JP, her one true Douche. (You guys do know this is who she picks, right? Because surely, if you think she’s picking Ben over JP then you guys haven’t been paying attention.) Bashley’s stylist is failing her again as he’s wearing the ugliest half-shirt and cut off shorts I’ve seen since 1974. They take a sea plane tour of Fiji and they are all over each other in the plane. Can’t stop touching, kissing, laughing, holding hands, touching, touching, touching. I’m surprised they didn’t dry hump in the plane.

They go to a private island where they can dry hump all they want. Or wet hump. Or nekkid hump. Girls just wanna have hump.

Okay, if there was any doubt before now, they just put it to rest. JP can’t wait for the end. There. He said it, because he knows she’s picking him. His family loves her and his dad said Bashley would be a welcome addition.

Dinner time and Bashley confesses to JP that Ryan showed up and wanted a second chance just as Constantine decided not to let the door hit him on the way out. They get their permission to screw fantasy suite card and JP says “I want to be the last guy standing not because I want to beat him, but because I want you.” Okay, I’ll admit it. I melted. Every girl wants to be wanted like that. They go to the fantasy suite and the camera leaves as JP lays her out on the bed. (Ben? are you taking notes?)

Mr. Overpaid and Bashley sit down for the most worthless interview ever. Bashley says that even though there are only 2 guys left (let’s face it, there’s only 1…but the show must go on) she still thinks it’s important for the guys to accept the rose from her because they (obviously) have a choice in this matter. So she does the rose thing, and it’s ridiculous but they have to make this show a full two hours.

Okay, douche lovers. The Men Tell All is on Sunday (this is where the dudes get to put on their pretty panties and show off their manginas while crying about how they were wronged) and then on Monday we have the final show. Which trust me, the only surprise is gonna be if Bently(gag) shows up and asks for her hand in marriage only to say “Psych! I’m a douche! I take it back!”

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