The Bachelorette: season Ashley; The Men Tell All

They all have on panties. Probably boyshorts. Maybe a ruffle or two.

Tonight on this special edition of the Bachelorette: The Men Wear Panties Tell All

And the crowd goes wild with a standing ovation as Mr. Overpaid takes the stage and sets up the story of Ashley’s amazing journey to find love.

First off: Highlights of the season–such as night one when a dude passed out at the cocktail party (Tim). FIRST NIGHT. Then they discuss the Mask…They show the Mask vacuuming and Mr. Overpaid asks “Had you known he was so domestic would you have kept him?”

I’m already ready to fast forward. We’ve lived through all this once.

OK, now we get to talk about Super Douche Bentley(gag). Ashley says she NEVER saw the Super Douche side of him. She thinks he just wanted to win her and she knows now he really played her. Ashley is hurt that people (viewers) can be so negative about her and Bentley(gag).

Sorry Ash. I thought calling him a Super Douche was being positive. I mean Super is a positive adjective, right?

Commercial break…I’m running to the county line for a giant bottle of Blueberry Vodka. BRB

Welcome back to the Bachelorette Men Tell All.

Let’s talk about bloopers and we’ll start with your date with JP where y’all have a party in your pants PJs.

“So much went wrong on that date.” And then we see clips of JP breaking the entertainment center, not being able to man up and work the 400 remotes, and Ashley falling asleep on him. SNORING. Lightly snoring, but still, homegirl was SNORING.

Okay now onto the group date in Vegas when you guys danced with the creepy masked dudes.  We didn’t show the individual auditions, but damn we should have because seriously, some of the dudes blew goats… And then we see a clip of Ames waltzing with one of the creepy masked dudes and now I may never sleep again.

GAH can’t we just get to the whining?

Then they show a blooper of Ashley’s date with Constantine when they made the love lanterns together…they decide to sit on a bench in the park, put their love lantern on the ground…and a dog marches right up to it and pees on it.

AM I THE ONLY ONE WHO BELIEVES IN SIGNS?

Lots more bloopers that are cute but not worth noting…until we get to the part where apparently some viewers have noticed a thing or two. Such as the fruitbowl on a table with a strategically placed banana between an apple and an orange… And how when Bentley(gag) ended things and she ran into her room to cry in her bed…and there was a jar of Vaseline on the side table. Which isn’t that unusual in reality but with all the Bang Bang Bentley(gag) rumors that surfaced, it made for a funny. I guess she remembered throw away the condom package…

Now because they really don’t have a lot of content to work with for tonight’s ManginaFest, they decide to do a preview of The Bachelor Pad which is like Big Brother for all Bachelor and Bachelorette rejects. Or as I like to call it, HEAVEN. They are encouraged to hook up til they get it right and this season, my favorite Bachelor Ho-testant Vienna Sausage is back. OMG. I love this train wreck of a girl who was the last Ho standing on Season Jake the Fake. (Jake will also be in the house so this really should be full of drama cake. With extra frosting)

And yes, I will be doing recaps for Bachelor Pad, and I’m almost not even ashamed. I know you can’t wait…

The men come in and sit down to a loud wooing ovation. They talk about how beautiful she was the first night and how nervous they all were. They give Hammered Tim a hard time about passing out and he takes it like a champ.

The Mask is unmasked on this show. I’m sad and disappointed. I really think he should just wear the mask all the time.

They start showing all these clips of when all the douches were bitching about the other douches and I keep waiting for Mr. Overpaid to ask everyone to check their pants for a penis.

Now we confront Ben C. about whether he said he was on a dating website and really didn’t care about being with Ashley or not and how he felt about Will tossing him under the Elephant on their double date. And all the dudes singled him out for being a tool. And they all adjusted their junk just to make sure it hadn’t crawled back inside.

It’s time to pick on Mr. Happy Fun Time Ryan for being too happy. Ryan owned up to it that he was probably a little too happy and could see how it could be annoying.

Let’s talk about The Mask. He claims he was doing it as a joke…and had only planned to wear it one night then it kinda just stuck. So as far as I’m concerned, the Mask possessed him. Apparently Chris D. felt the same way and told the Mask he was an idiot. Tim said he was a little freaked out by the whole thing. He has a mask thing, I have a clown thing. I can’t judge him for that.

First fella in the “hot” seat is Will. Now if you’ll remember, Will is the dude who “married” Ashley in Vegas on their first date and then after the “best date ever” he roasted her BIG TIME on the next date. I mean, it was a roast, and that’s what he was supposed to do, but he got freaking railed by everyone for not pulling any punches and roasting Ashley and not just teasing her about her itty bitty boobs.

They show his ‘highlights’ or I guess low lights as it were, and Mr. Overpaid asks him why he can’t watch or listen to them. Will admits he’s only watched the first episode that he’s embarrassed by how he acted and he can’t watch it. “It was a really rough time. I did make an ass of myself.” Will admitted the roast was a mistake. Nick pipes up with, “Who did you want to be the Bachelorette?” and when Will says he was happy with Ashley, it was a ROAST, Nick says, “Why were we all on the show?” “Because none of us could get a date anywhere else?” Score one for Will. Nick, shut the fuck up. His manties are obviously made of bitters.

Will makes amends. Says Ashley is a great person and there was no malicious intent and he’s happy that she’s found love. His new motto is to cherish life and not be a jackass.

Words to live by.

This is a two-hour show y’all and honestly, I don’t know why.

Next in the hot seat is Mr. Happy Fun Time Ryan. The dudes didn’t love you but Ashley did…until she didn’t. They show Ryan’s highlights and show Ashley constantly saying in every interview and time with him: On paper your my perfect guy but I’m just not feeling it.

Damn. That’s just some harsh shit to have to watch in front of an audience and a group of blood-thirsty, manty wearing assholes who hate you.

He was hammered for feeling closer to her than he should have for the amount of time they spent together and he said he read books to learn how to ask the right questions and so when he spent time with her it was valuable time because he was asking questions about her and they were getting to know each other. One of the douches said, “SO finding love is like a math test?”

God. Really? Shut up haters. I mean, he’s super spunky fun guy who only wanted some one-on-one time with Ashley and he finally got it 400 days into the show and he got sent home mid-date. Give the boy a break.

Next up in the hot seat? Ames. Oh Ames. How I’ve missed you. (GOOD NEWS FOLKS, he’s gonna be on Bachelor Pad–and rumor has it, he’s found “true TV love” this time!)

Mr. Overpaid talks about how unique Ames is and his “awkward charm.” (wow. unique and awkward. Like a 3 legged table?) The women love him. They are cheering and throwing underwear and flashing titties and he’s all “Whoa.” They talk about him getting knocked the fuck out and then give him his hot pink boxing gloves…still unscratched.

Finally we get to talk about Bentley(gag) (because we haven’t talked about him enough at this point). The crowd moans and we hear Bentley(gag) say “Ashley’s digging what I’m putting out. It’s all a game to me.” Mr. Overpaid says they tried very hard to get Bentley(gag) to come to the show but he refused. OF COURSE HE REFUSED. HE’S A SUPER DOUCHE. The boys whine about his douchetasticness and I’m so over this there isn’t enough blueberry vodka in the state to make me wanna listen to this any more.

They interview Michelle Money who had sent Ashley a warning text about Bentley(gag). And I’m wondering why on earth they continue to give this dick attention.

She's gonna back it up like a Tonka Truck. Her name ain't Keith but she can see how you sweat her...

They bring Ashley onto the stage where they plan to ask her hard hitting questions such as “How do you feel about Bentley?” But what they really should be doing is asking her “Have you fired your stylist yet?” She walks out wearing a club dress. It’s super tight, supern short, off the shoulder, missing most of the midriff except for a very small piece of fabric holding the top and skirt together. OMFG. Somebody please give me a creepy haunted doll to send to her stylist. PLEASE! (yay I found a picture!) (Boo! I can’t get it to upload!)Look, girlfriend has a rockin’ bod, there is no doubt about it, but fuck-a-duck she needs a girlfriend who is honest with her. Friends don’t let friends wear that shit in public unless they are snorting lines and headed to Studio 54…

Of course, the dudes don’t care because they’re all drooling.

Mr. Overpaid wants to know if watching the show has been difficult. She says the toughest part was watching how everyone reacted to Bentley(gag) and getting played on TV. She also didn’t like being called an ugly duckling.

And we have tears. She wants forgiveness from the guys for the Bentley(gag) issues. Blake says he felt foolish because she’d acted like she’d made up her mind with Bentley(gag) and wasn’t giving any one else a chance.

Blah Blah Blah

Ryan thanks her for spending time with him and giving him a chance. That was almost like a Thank You Note. S.W.A.K!

When we return…3 former Bachelor(ettes) will join the stage to commiserate. Good lord.

They bring back Deanna, Jason, and Ali. And we listen to them explain how they understand what she went through. More blah, blah, blah. Nobody cares. I guess they had to do this because Bentley(gag) refused to come back so they had to fill the 2 hours some how.

More show bloopers. Funny stuff.

We wrap the show up with more filler–I mean, getting to know the final two douchetestants. Because hanging with them all season, just isn’t enough. We need to see more highlights…

And tonight is the final episode where we see Ashley actually pick JP instead of just like him better than everyone else. And then we’ll have the After the Rose ceremony, which honestly, I’ll probably be too drunk to watch. I’ll let you know tomorrow.

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