It is finally here, re-imagined Italians butting up against the Real Deal. We have to put up with Mike the Situation, but he gets knocked out in later episodes for being La Douche Vita. Uncle Nino is coming along to help as a travel guide. (You’ll see.)
Before the gang can head out of the country, they need to get passports. First up is Snooki, in thigh high, leopard print hooker boots that Ivana Kutchacokoff – Macktastic Shagswell’s best girl, and he ain’t no pimp, he’s a slut organizer – wouldn’t even wear. She climbs on a piece of luggage to be tall enough for the camera. She’s histastic to go to a new country. Wait, it’s not a country, Europe is the big country with Britain, and England, and Iron Curtain and Italy. She’s going to the boot one.
Pauly, pretending to be a DJ with his friends, is super excited about going. It’s really cute, because he’s really excited to go to a new country and see what it’s like. He’s no dummy: he’s packed a few European plug converters for his hair dryers. He’s gotta keep it fresh to death for this international panty raid where he Johnny Pizza-pie’s his essence all over the Tuscan countryside.
Deena has a farewell dinner with a bunch of girlfriends, all who try and help her learn Italian. She tells them, “Did you know that Aloha means both hello and goodbye? That’s why it’s such a beautiful word.” She knows “Principessa” and “gracias.” Yep, she’s all set. She tells the camera that she’s looking forward to meeting guys, but she’s not gonna do sex. She’ll do eat, she’ll do talk, she’ll do shop, but she won’t do sex. Not on the first date. Jersey Turnpiking, however, that’s what you do before you learn their name.
Vinny practices hitting on girls in Italian, and it seems the jerkoff he turned into last season is gone. He’s essentially looking for the Apollonia to his (non-hitman) Michael. Let’s hope he doesn’t try and teach any girls how to drive. He grew a “beard” to look more mature. Honey, it just looks like you got soot on your chin, that’s not a beard. Speaking of, Pauly calls up, he’s gonna come out there, scoop up his boy, and they’ll fly out together. They really are so in love, it’s adorable.
Snooki has been seeing Jionni (the guy from last season she had sex with and then dissed? The Mario Brother? Damn, dude, where’s your pride?) for six months now. He helps her pack, and they promise to not hook up with anyone. We’ll see.
Time for the Most Likely To Be Convicted of Sexual Assault cast member, Mike “Situation” Sorrentino. He even gives the Italian police a head’s up. “Lock up your daughters, hand cuff your wives!” Or maybe we could spare everyone some grief and just do both to you? He’s getting his head shaved with some other greaseballs and tells them that he heard from Snooki, who told him she’s lost a few pounds, and he’d think she was hot. So now he might be into her. Gross, dude, you’re just gross.
JWOWW is in the gym with Roger, and they’re still together. Aww. And damn, dating a personal trainer got her – not a big girl in the first place – toned as hell. She knows Italy doesn’t make guys like she’s into (gorillas) so she’s not worried about straying. She’s all about her 6’4” tattooed ape man. They’re still really sweet together.
Ron is still single, no Sammi for him! I swear, guys, if they hook up I am sending boxes of poop to MTV. He swears that he’s done being a little crying bitch with shrunken ‘roid balls. Good for you, Ron. And lay off the Xenadrine. His bros tell him that if they catch him hooking up with Sam, they’re going to punch him in his nuts. Not if I’m there first, fellas!
Speaking of, Sammi, who is looking rough, says she’s just gonna have fu-un, oh, girls just wanna have fun. Of course for her, manipulating men is her idea of fun. She tells everyone that she’s totally OK with being around Ron, they’re just friends, she’s all bad ass and hardcore and whatever, toots. WHATEVER. I have three seasons of your monkey shines as proof that you are not who you think you are.
All the girls will meet up at Deena’s house for a sleepover then head to the airport, and the guys are all meeting at Vinny’s for the same thing.
At Vinny’s, his whole family has turned out because as Vinny says, “My family, they are Italian, the right way.” And then, “There’s nothing more authentic than my family.” The editors love setting Vinny up to fall on his face when he makes absolutes like this, so I’m wondering what the show has in store for us. (Remember the “I’m smart, how hard can fixing a toilet be?” Two weeks later, “experts” had to be called in.)
Uncle Nino quizzes the guys: “What’s the first thing you ask?”
“If they’re of the age of consent.”
“Correto. How you gonna know?”
They don’t have an answer. “Lift their arms and if there’s hair, you’re good to go.” Nino basically told them “If there’s grass on the field, play ball.” He’s got all sorts of good info for us, so stay tuned.
Each group is racing to see who can get there first. Snooki has 8 bags (Mike has 9, so that evens out.) Each group has a connecting flight, the guys in Madrid, and the girls in Düsseldorf. They of course have no idea how to pronounce doo-sil-dorf. Really, guys? Also, they can’t manage all of their bags, they’re panicking about the two hour lay over and getting from one part of the airport to another, and they start falling all over the place, knocking over stacks of luggage, and just being spazzy.
If they were smart (there wouldn’t be a show) they would have just packed essentials and gone shopping because they’re going to be in Italy. Are you kidding me? It’s one of the most stylish places on earth. Oh, I understand. They don’t have True Religion jeans and Ed Hardy gear there.
At one point JWOWWs bronzer explodes in her luggage, and what, are you stunad? Ya put ya friggin’ liquids in a bag, are you a child? Get outta here wid dis. Now she’s down to 8 cans, and that’s barely going to get her through a week, let alone the five weeks they’ll be in Italy.
The guys pull right in to Florence, oohing and ahhing the city as they fly in. They grab a cab – one just for Mike’s luggage – and head out to their new home, blown away by the beautiful city. (When they landed, Vinny commented on finally coming back to the Mother Land and bent down to pat the tarmac. Ron, grinning, watches him and fumbles to bend over and imitate him, then sees the guys moving on so he straightens and follows. Never before has he looked like an actual gorilla like he does here. It’s hilarious.)
Oh, I forgot to mention, I swear to the god of your choice that Mike is carrying a pillow pet when he gets off the plane. It looks exactly like the brown puppy pillow pet I bought my daughter, so… Damn, guys, come on. Enough with baby dolls once you’re double digits.
The girls have flown into… Milan. Not exactly a hop, skip and a jump to their new digs, because one thing Italy is known for: its traffic. A 45 minute drive turns into 3 hours, easy. Snooki says, “I think I’m gonna cry!” Jenni turns around and asks softly, “Are you okay?” Snooki laughs and says, “I’m just joking.” They’re so Laverne and Shirley, I love it.
The guys pull up to an incredible house, one that’s been there for a while. Huge wooden doors open to a long and narrow flight of stairs. Turn the corner and there’s another flight of stairs. Sucks to be you, Mike with all of your “luggages.” They get inside the actual home, and it’s stunning. Beautiful plaster walls, old school furnishings, marble floors. The guys race to find rooms, and if you think Pauly D and Vinny aren’t rooming together, you’ve not been paying attention. Mike and Ron grab another room, leaving a bedroom with 3 beds, and a spare bed in Pauly and Vinny’s love shack. They assume Deena will bunk with them, and they’re cool with that.
Vinny finds the bidet, and if you thought I was being ridiculous with the bromance between he and Pauly, Vinny waxes romantic about the bidet. He’s excited about having a clean “butthole” (his words) and it feels kinda good. You know, on a lonely Friday night…? Wow, Vinny. Keep it in check.
“So Michelangelo was a fruit, so what? The man was a friggin’ genius. He liked to paint dongs, kinda made them small, eh? Italians back then, they were growers, not show-ers. My point is who the frick cares, amirite?”
The girls finally get there, look crestfallen at the double flights of stairs, but race up to see the place. They are equally as impressed with their new home and squeal with delight when they see the guys. Hugs all around, even with Sam and Ron, who seems fine with seeing her. Sam, on the other hand, tells the camera (looking hella hungover and busted) that Ron looks great, all while maintaining a manic grin.
Pauly just notices Sam’s boobs being a bit fuller. (Sam all over is a bit fuller. Not that she’s a big girl, or that there’s anything wrong with it, it’s just interesting. She was crazy fit the last season, I wonder what happened? Depression? Booze? …pasta?) The guys remind us that ultimately their moms raised them right, and they bring up the girls’ luggage.
Deena the camera that she’s into the “Pauly type.” Translation: Pauly. Pauly sets up shots of Limoncello in little metal planters, it’s room temperature instead of chilled, so it tastes awful. Like that will stop these guys, pfft.
They all get ready to check out the city and before you go thinking these kids are all about the bronzer and fist pumping, an electrical engineering discourse breaks out with Deena and Pauly about watts to amps to volts to ohms, power loads, don’t forget your WAV formulas, and then they remember they’re supposed to fit a stereotype and laugh, “Whaaaa? I don’t even know nuthin’, where’s my bronzer?”
I’m onto you kids.
Wait, everything’s back in orbit, Ron tries to sit on a small, delicate candlestick table, which collapses under his King Kong body.
They head out to the beautiful city, all lit up at night, and they’re blown away by the architecture. The girls are morons and ride a Ferris Wheel, and who really thinks that’s fun? It’s one of those things that seems like a good idea, then you get on, and it’s just a frigign’ circle. Whee.
“So Florence is like the freakin’ cradle of the Renaissance. It’s where that nude David is (I told you that guy was gay, didn’t I?) and those red headed chicks with fat asses painted by Titian are found. Oh, it’s said like ‘tee-shun,’ not ‘tit-ee-un.’ I know, right?”
Back at the house Sitch finds out from Deena that Snooki is still with Jionni, and he hints around at knowing something she doesn’t, is his old lady gossipy self about it, and Sam sneaks off to tell Snooki that Mike is sniffing around her affairs. They’re both grossed out at the thought of Mike being into her.
Next day and Pauly honks a big horn at everyone to get them up. He’s like a little kid, this one. “We’re not sleeping our time away in Italy.” Love it. How disappointing would it be to have these kids in one of the best cities in Europe just sleep it off? Vinny wanders in the kitchen and Pauly asks if he and his beard are well today. (I get it. His “beard.” Wink!)
There’s no food, and Ron’s about to pass out. Guess he went though all of his GNC TAPOUT® Bulk-Up protein powder on the trip over. They can’t read the map to figure out where to go, so they decide to pile in the cars (oh my god, they’re going to DRIVE in Italy.) and just wing it. Only Pauly and Snooki know how to drive a standard. You knew Nicole could handle a stick, come on, that joke writes itself.
The GPS is in Italian, so the girls are hosed. Emphatic hand gestures don’t even work. They try to follow the guys, who lose them easily, and no one knows how to read the street signs. Pauly runs a red light, a cop gives him a warning, and they head to a gym for protein bars and Muscle Milk. The girls turn around and go back home. They have a folder with pictures and directions for basic services, and figure out where to go. A pigeon flies on to the stoop and Deena freaks out. Like, freaks out. It’s a pigeon, girl, chill out.
The guys find a gym run by “Luigi,” who was smoking when they pulled up. Ah, Europe. He doesn’t speak-a the English, so they communicate by flexing, showing off their small balls, and flinging a big rope. It works. Cogdon Curls are the international language, am I right, fellas?
Snooki is all about working out, now. Good for her! She decides to run the stairs, do some sit ups and chair dips. (Note: there’s a weird white patch on the back of her head. Missing weave? White weave? What is going on!! It’s disconcerting. It’s like she’s molting.)
Time for the discotheque! But first, a long ass game of outlet roulette as their hairdryers, curling irons, and straighteners blow out the power in the house. The girls have to do their hair in the kitchen, so be on the lookout for “black pasta” in the spaghetti, folks. Deena uses Sammi’s Magical Hair Straightener (it calms the hair and the disposition) and burns off some of her cheap-ass weave.
Folks? Do you know where weaves come from? No, not magical unicorns, but from young Indian girls who shave their heads for their religions. Except Deena’s hair probably comes from Barbie dolls.
Mike is outside on the balcony with Ron, and Mike looks like a total meth head. Cigarette butts all around him, trash (dude, you’ve not been there for 24 hours, and you’re already making a mess??) his hair is all messed up and he’s managed to be both sweaty and ashy. He tells Ron a “secret,” that he and Snooki hooked up a few times, including a few months ago when she was with her boyfriend.
He’s so gross, you guys. He’s all smirky and “shy” about it, but you know he’s told everyone that it happened to back his little story up. I don’t believe him for a second. Neither does Ron. He sees how Snooki is about Jionni, and thinks Mike’s a dirt bag. Mike makes Ron promise not to talk to Snooki about it. Oh, really? That’s not suspicious at all.
Pauly and Vinny look over the map, trying to figure out how to get to the club. They decide to call cabs, Pauly learns the proper way to say “Cabs are HE-AH!” in Italian (“Taxi son aqui!”) Vinny can speak Italian, but he needs to hear it slowly to understand it. Problem is people there speak fast. (I can speak some Spanish, but it’s hard to have a conversation with Mexicans here, because they talk so. fast. They’re so good natured if you make the attempt, though, that they’ll slow it down for the gringos.)
Mike tells the camera he’s ready to fuck. Classy. Deena comes out with her boobs on a shelf, and Vinny’s jaw drops. Pauly says that if Deena’s boobies could talk they’d say, “I’m a good time! I’m a blast in a bra!” Vinny complements her fat ass and nice tits, because he’s a gentleman and knows how to woo ladies. Deena tells them, “Aww, thanks, charmed, I’m shoo-ah.”
They hit the club, and it’s amazing. Fires burning on the bar, hot dancers in bikinis, awesome music, beautiful people everywhere. Our gang classes up the place with some crotch shots, some Jersey Turnpiking, and lots of fist pumping. There seems to be a large space cushion following them everywhere in the club, and I’m thinking it’s not because of security, if you feel me.
Vinny is having to translate for all of the guys, but Mike doesn’t need help understanding what “Ciao” means. He gets that a lot that night. Mike then starts glomming on Snooki, hugging her, patting her cheeks, pulling her right up against him and I just want to take all of the showers. Everyone else is watching, freaked out, wanting to know what’s going on. Jenni tells her BFF to remember that Roger is bringing Jionni over with him in a few weeks, so don’t have anything salacious going on.
Meanwhile, Deena shows her boobs to Pauly, tells him she wants him to kiss her, and they French, wait, no, they Italian kiss. It involves an excessive amount of licking and tongue stroking – outside the mouth – and even Pauly looks grossed out while doing it. But he doesn’t stop.
Deena tells the cameras, “I LOVE ITALY!” I bet you do!
Coming this season! Snooki goes to Italian jail, Ron learns that pepperoni over there isn’t a sliced sausage, and Mike freaks the hell out (on coke) and gets in Ron’s face, demanding he fight him. Next shot is Mike on a stretcher. I mean, the man looks like the human Donkey Kong, Sitch! Cannot WAIT for that.
Arrivederci fino al prossimo tempo!