Slo-mo Jessica slooowly opens the door at Bill’s and lets the sunshine, lets the sunshine in! The witches chant and Jessica starts to blister and burn with a full-frontal Vitamin D overdose. Off-screen Jason yelps, “Jessica!” and hits her with a flying tackle, knocking her to the floor as he kicks the doors shut behind them. Jason has saved her, but Jess isn’t pleased; she wanted him to let her go on like a blister in the sun. She hisses at him and flips their positions so she’s on top, his neck bared. Jason screams because I’m pretty sure he’s figured out that Jessica wouldn’t have Krueger-skin if this was a freaky vamp-blood-sharing dream.
At witch-central, Antonia floats back to the ground and the chanting trails off. Jessica goes to bite Jason, but as the chanting dissipates, so does her blood lust. She realizes what Jason has done and kisses him sweetly and apologizes. They stare at one another for a beat, and then Jason grabs her and kisses her back. They moan and roll about Bill’s pristine foyer as Bill himself calls out Jessica’s name, sobbing for what is no doubt now her gooey puddle of sunblasted ooze. How his vamp senses don’t twig to the “about to get laid” moans, we’ll never know. Jason carries Jessica down to the safe room and Jessica spies Bucky’s corpse and literal-Urkles, “Did I do that?” Bill assures her that Bucky’s family will be well compensated and rationalizes for her sake that she was spellbound; the witch Antonia actually killed him.
Bill informs them that Jessica needs to get back into the cell as they will not be safe until nightfall. Jessica agrees and Jason silvers her gently. Jason tells her to think of good things, like “Hot summer days…barbecuin’.” Jessica smiles indulgently and Jason realizes that it’s just the smell of Jessica’s silver singed flesh that’s making him crave pulled pork and quickly corrects that to, “No, things a vampire would think were good: the moon, never gettin’ cold, TruBlood.” Bill cuts him off that poetic prattle and tells Jason that Jessica needs rest. Jason gives Bucky’s corpse the hairy eyeball and Bill says that as an officer of the law, he understands that Jason might feel the need to report the murder. Bill says that vampires killing humans is not something he can afford to have documented, not mention…and he nods meaningfully to Jessica as Jason follows his gaze. Wow, Bill clued in to the way the wind was blowing pretty quick. Jason agrees and apologizes for shooting one of the commando goons, but before Bill can be more than benevolent, AVL commandoes enter the cell and hold Jason at gun point.
Pack Master Flash orates at his were-pack, who slouch in formation like a disinterested drill team. He tells them that he doesn’t know why the witches and vamps are at war, and he doesn’t care. He thinks the witches are batshit (and Pack Master Flash is just a swastika forehead away from Manson, so he knows from batshit), because vamps are hardcore; even weres are no match for their undead evil. So the pack will stay out of the witch/vamp war, capiche? Okay, time to kick the tires and light the fires, were-style!
Sam goes to visit Luna, but she’s not exactly ripping her sundress open for him this time. Sam tells her that he kicked Tommy to the curb and she informs him that he should have told her that Tommy was a skinwalker. Sam tells her that he didn’t know and that Tommy killed both of their parents. He assures her that their folks deserved it (Luna winces at the mention of dog fights like a Michael Vick juror) and that he could forgive Tommy that, but he can’t forgive him for what he did to Luna. Luna thaws a bit, but before she can decide if Sam’s still worthy of casserole night and another glimpse at her areolas, her daughter Emma runs out and snags Sam like he’s her very own life size Ken doll (because he’s neutered and all of his clothes snap together? I don’t know – write your own joke there.)
At sunset, Sookie takes the silver off Eric, taking most of his sexy throat with it. He realizes he hasn’t fed since Sookie’s faerie godmother and TruBlood won’t help him heal. Sookie offers to let him feed on her and tells him that she’s trusting him not to lose control. He instructs her to keep some of the silver in her hand and promises that he won’t betray her, ever. She bares her throat for him and Eric huffs her like she’s Whip-Its. He bites down and oh, yeah, Sookie’s into it. Eric pulls back with a growl and bites his palm, offering it stigmata like to Sookie, telling her that they will become one. Sookie suckles his palm like it’s a PG-13 metaphor for something else, and Eric makes O-face and sex noises that Sookie echoes. The sexy effect is somewhat tempered, though, as the camera pulls back and Eric’s jeans are still rolled up like he’s Sandra Dee at a clambake.
Hoyt watches TV in his boxers as Jessica arrives home. He was worried about her! He thought he lost her forever! Jessica wrinkles her nose and tells him to take a bath and then hits him with the fact that she wants to move out. Hoyt gets disingenuous on her ass. Jessica tells him that she doesn’t want to live together anymore; she’s just not built for domesticity. It’s over. Hoyt sobs that she’s too good for him, Jessica eyerolls that he deserves someone better. He tells her that he’ll die without her, but Jess can barely look at him. She’s super cold; he’s utterly pathetic. She tries to leave and he blocks the door, telling her if he can’t have her, and she may not have gotten this the first time, he will just die! Jessica snarls, “Then die!” and slams his head into the counter, his blood splattering her face as she looks on in satisfaction. Oh, my God, y’all.
In the truck out front, Jason rocks out to some country as Jessica saunters out to him. “God,” he tells her reverently, “you are so fucking hot with blood all over you!” Jessica giggles girlishly as if the gore of her first love isn’t cooling in her cleavage. Jason says that he wants Jessica to bite him and do him right there, as he rips open his shirt. Jessica shrugs lightly and says, “Okay” as she crawls toward his six-pack only to awake, fangs out, in her cell. A Bill-sanctioned blood donor offers her neck and Jessica dives into the bite with a sigh of teenage ennui.
On the job, Andy and Jason eye what’s left of Beulah’s vampire corpse. Andy kneels by the goo and licks his lips. Jason points out that Andy’s not only drooling over Beulah goop, but contemplating eating it off the ground, and we’re way past the 30 second rule, man! Andy monotones a ramble about how he’s only good on the V because then he doesn’t have to watch himself fail to live up to expectations. Jason tells him he stopped listening about halfway through and even Andy can’t muster up an argument to that. The media interviews Maxine about the fact that no one knew Beulah was a vampire, but Maxine, of course, had her suspicions. She further illustrates her vamp knowledge by IDing Bill, headed their way, as the most famous vampire in town. The on-the-scene reporter asks if vampire suicide is common and Bill agrees that sadly, it is, due to anti-vampire media and low vampire self-esteem. It’s a polished answer and the reporter asks him if he can say it again on camera, and Bill informs her that he has a statement. The reporter’s not sure she can take a prepared statement (on-the-scene means you go for Maxine Fortenberry, the Antoine Dodson of Bon Temps, not glib vampire kings with camera ready statements!) but Bill glamours her that he’s very telegenic.
Naked Sookie and Eric get stoned on each other’s faerie-dusted blood and nakedness. They climb into the shower and Sookie gropes his butt as they tongue wrassle. Sookie tries to turn on the water, but they get a shower of snowflakes instead. If that wasn’t surreal enough, the filter goes blue and suddenly they’re in Narnia with a four poster bed. They giggle and run for the bed for another bout of soft focus sex.
Bill gets his moment on camera and gets cool on Christ while Antonia and Tara watch via TV. Antonia is stymied by both the remote control and the fact that they only managed to kill one lousy vampire. Back in her day, she was able to kill all vampires within 20 miles! Tara clues into the fact that Antonia killed that vamp. “Yes, we did,” Antonia agrees. Tara asks for clarification that the plan is not just to protect themselves, but to preemptively kill vampires. Antonia zealots that killing vampires is the only way to protect themselves. Tara’s cool with that, really, she just likes the way Antonia waxes vengeance. Antonia offers to Mr. Miyagi Tara, but then Bill calls and interrupts what would have probably been a sweet training montage. Tara puts him on speaker phone and Bill begins to kiss Antonia’s butt so hard that she can’t help but be somewhat charmed. Bill usurps a whole hell of a lot of Authority and apologizes to Antonia on behalf of all vampires in Louisiana and all vampires everywhere. Bill requests a private meeting to broker peace. Antonia homages Independence Day with a near spot-on “Peace? What peace?” that has me looking for her to sprout tentacles. To say Antonia is somewhat cynical is to undermine cynical. Still, they agree to meet at the cemetery at midnight because they’re both slaves to the classics.
Tommy breaks into Maxine’s and steals one of her outfits – including a pair of her nylon tummy-tucker panties, because evidently he’s going for realism skin out.
Alcide tries to usher Debbie home from the werewolf block party, but she’s loathe to leave because she’s enjoying the way her hair gleams in the trash barrel fire so much. Pack Master Flash pervs on Debbie and Alcide as they make out for a bit and then greets them jovially, glad that Alcide is on board with staying out of vamp relations. Alcide lends a hand in breaking up a fight between a couple of hopped-up weres and Debbie beams with pride.
Eric and Sookie snuggle in their furs and watch the fake snow, still stoned as if they’ve been smoking everything but their shoes. Eric tells her anything is possible because they love each other. And, again, Sookie is a Venus in Furs from armpit to ankle while Eric has a mere chinchilla twixt his thighs. Ah, realism.
Mikey’s in his playpen at Merlotte’s with a beanie, a pacifier and that scary-ass baby doll while Terry works the grill. Arlene tells him that he can’t just leave Mikey unattended like that, and Terry points out the mirror attached to the grill hood, hello. Mikey’s POV gives us Terry and Arlene talking in wah-wah-wah-wah adult Peanuts voices, and then Mikey’s spirit lady shows up again, leans over his pack’n’play and starts to sing in French. Lafayette enters the kitchen, sees the spirit and pops his fan like Aunty Pittypat and takes a powder.
‘Maxine’ meets the gas lease rep at Merlotte’s. Her hair seems a bit less Aqua-Net perfection than usual and she informs the rep that the service there fuckin’ sucks because Sam Merlotte is a fuckin’ asshole. ‘Maxine’ orders a couple of tall boys and tequila shots and then presses the gas lease rep for $20k an acre for 20 years, all up front. Oh, Tommy, even HSN should have taught you better economics than that. The rep tells her it was up to 10k an acre, and she has *less* than an acre, so it’s $5700 a year, year to year. Tommy tries to work Maxine’s somewhat wilted wiles, but the gas lease rep is unimpressed. ‘Maxine’ sighs and asks if she can just have a check tonight.
Hoyt, fully dressed this time, watches TV. Jessica comes in and he barely notices. They sit in silence and then he asks what’s wrong. She tells him that she loves him, but she thinks they made a mistake moving in together and asks for time apart. He asks for the real reason and she offers that she’s a vampire, and possibly not supposed to be monogamous (this will come as a shock to Eric and Sookie, no doubt). Hoyt is pissed, and there’s not a single boo or hoo in sight. He says he knows that there’s someone else, and when Jess doesn’t answer, he flips out. He tells her this whole time he’s been sticking up for her but you know what? She doesn’t deserve him. And he doesn’t deserve someone who’s going to be a virgin for all eternity; he deserves a normal life and someone he can have kids with. Jessica gasps in pain – it obviously hadn’t occurred to her in her race to dump Hoyt that he might have some issues, too. Hoyt tells her to get out and takes back his invitation, causing her to go slo-mo for the second time this ep as she’s sucked out the door. Hoyt says his mama was right (and you know somewhere Maxine suddenly felt a full body shudder of self-righteousness) and maybe God does hate fangs, and now so does he. He kicks a few appliances while Jessica sobs on the porch.
Eric continues to be naked, but is now somewhat more sober as he stokes Sookie’s fireplace (not a euphemism). He crawls back in bed with Sookie, who wants to stay this way forever. Okay, yeah, it’s hot and all, and y’all are both real pretty, but I’m kind of missing something called plot, okay? Eric asks her to just run away with him, but Sookie tells him that they can’t, they have obligations. Eric says the obligations are all Bill’s (Bill gets all the obligation, Eric gets all the tail, it’s still very Season One in some ways). Sookie says that it’s her home and she can’t just leave Bill to die, because that’s wrong. Eric tells her that there is no right or wrong, and anyway, that’s just so human, ew. Sookie reminds him that she is human and furthermore, he’s a warrior who would never forgive himself for running from a fight. Eric wibbles that he just wants to be with Sookie forever, and Sookie has to disillusion him that there is no forever. It’s sad. Like mournful cello sad.
Pack Master Flash calls his baby mama as Alcide and Debbie start to head out. Pack Master Flash thanks Alcide for his help with the pup brawl and tells Alcide that he has alpha in him: strong but mature, maybe even a bit noble. He’s totally Brawny ad material. Debbie agrees and Pack Master Flash gives Alcide the nod that he can move up in the pack, but Alcide’s just not political (plus you know he’d just get voted treasurer and they’re the only club officer who has to do actual work). Debbie tells Alcide again how important the pack is to her, oh, and by the way, stay the hell away from Sookie. Alcide can’t elucidate more that there’s nothing going on there, really, but Debbie argues that Sookie comes with vampire accoutrements and Alcide is forced to agree.
Lafayette cuts some Zs on his couch (because popping in and out of the kitchen and getting scared by a ghost while Terry fries all the crawfish is exhausting, y’all) and hears a woman humming. He dreams of Mikey’s spirit lady, now identified as Mavis, who heads home to her 30s era shotgun house cradling the scary-ass baby doll which, while newer and cleaner, is still scary-ass in that antique baby doll way. A man bars her way into the house and tells her she can’t see her baby boy because he’s ‘gone to a better place.’ She accuses the man of killing his own flesh and blood and demands to see the body. The man refuses her and tells her there won’t be a funeral because it’s better if no one knows the baby ever existed. Mavis determines his reasoning to be because she is black and baby-killer-boyfriend is white and he agrees well, that and the fact that he’s also married and practicing nepotism. Mavis begs to hold her baby one last time, and baby-killer-boyfriend holds her back. Lafayette wakes to find Mavis in his house and before he can even get a Hell Naw to form, she possesses him. Lafayette’s demeanor becomes more feminine – helped greatly by the three-quarter-length apricot top he was already wearing – and he hums the Cajun French lullaby as he leaves the house.
Bill finds Eric and Sookie in his kingly drawing room, ready to mount up and get their witch vengeance on. Heavy is the head that wears the crown and has to watch his ex-girlfriend canoodle with his romantic rival, and Bill just wants peace, because there’s no way they can fight Antonia and win. Eric counsels Bill that war isn’t about thinking you can win, but being willing to die for something you think is worth dying for. Bill sniffs at Eric’s eagerness to gamble with Sookie’s life, while Eric zens that such is not his decision or Bill’s. Sookie thanks them both for speaking for her and reminds them that she’s like a super hero, or something. Sure, they’re powers she doesn’t understand and isn’t able to control, but they’re very glowy. Bill gives in and thanks them for their loyalty while Eric offers a heartfelt, ‘my liege’ and Sookie mumbles out an awkward, ‘my…Bill.’
Sam’s sitting at the dinner table with Luna and Emma while Pack Master Flash (Luna’s scary werewolf ex! Who saw that coming? Oh, viewers, you say?) window stalks them. Pack Master Flash pounds on the door and Emma offers, “Daddy’s mad!” as Flash saunters in like he owns the joint and he’s not too happy to see Sam sitting down to his pork chop. Luna calls Pack Master Flash ‘Marcus’ and stares him down while Sam tries to offer a gentlemanly introduction. Sam thinks he should leave, but Emma tells him no, they’re not halfway through giving the denizens of the Malibu Dream House French-braids, and were-daddy is not happy about the situation. Luna threatens to call Pack Master Flash’s PO if he doesn’t stand down and then leads Emma off to bed. Sam asks Pack Master Flash if they need to take it outside, shifer-a-werewolf, but Marcus just menaces Sam in a somewhat goofy way and totters out on his motorcycle boots.
Tommy, shifted from Maxine but still in her lacy underdrawers, barfs in the woods. I would too if I’d paired that shade of eyeshadow with that yellow top. Jason’s watching TV when Jessica knocks at his door. Y’all, I’m not sure how I’m getting that Jess thinks she’s trading up, here? I mean, Jason’s super pretty, sure, but he sits around in his undershirt and watches bad TV, just like Hoyt; he drives a pickup and is more fond of boot scoot boogie than goth dance hits, just like Hoyt; and his worldview and imagination vis-as-vis vampire courting rituals are pretty staid, just like Hoyt. Oh, wait, he’s super pretty? Carry on. Jessica tells Jason that she broke up with Hoyt and Jason is super upset on Hoyt’s behalf – they’ve been best friends since 1st grade! They mistakenly ate from the same tub of paste! Jason tells her he doesn’t want any part of this, but Jess informs him that her blood talks to her from inside him, and she knows he feels the same way (it’s a darn fine impression of retro-Eric if I say so myself). Jason tells her to git, takes back his invitation and Jessica whooshes backwards through a doorway for the second time that evening. “You kissed me baaaack!” she quavers as she goes, and Jason nods morosely before dropping into some soul cleansing pushups.
Lafayette-as-Mavis (so much character duality on this show! I’m running out of ways to assign duo names!) approaches the Bellefleur house, where he spies Andy snoring off some V in the living room. Laf/Mavis enters the house and steals Andy’s gun. He/she finds Mikey awake in his crib and lifts him out as Terry and Arlene sleep on. Lafayette-as-Mavis grabs scary-ass baby doll as he goes.
Bill heads to the garden of somewhat benign and not inherently evil for his détente with Antonia. He greets her as Lady Antonia and she reminds him that she’s a peasant and proud of it. She quirks a brow and informs him that he’s not alone. Bill waves forward Sookie, Eric and a wham-bam, re-glammed Pam and responds, nor are you. Antonia gives a Criss Angel finger flick and her coven pops up, armed to the teeth with silver tea services. Be our guest, Bill! Sookie is shocked to see Tara on opposing sides but Tara’s already got the memo on Sookie’s allegiances. Antonia asks for the details of Bill’s peaceful resolution and Bill replies that they will never harm them again and anyone who has done so has been ordered to desist or face the true death. The only thing he asks is that she removes the spells from his two subjects, Eric and Pam. Eric is trepidatious, but Pam’s “Damn right!” vibe can be felt in Baton Rouge. Antonia fences that he’s brought two people who have hurt her in the past and offers only his word. Bill swears to it, but Sookie tunes into Antonia’s frequency and warns him that Antonia is casting a spell. Bill calls in his AVL commandoes and reminds Antonia that while she has dominion over vampires, she does not have such powers over the living. His ‘surrender now!” is written on the sky and his commandoes get a bead on Antonia, who laughs. Eric vamp speeds one of the witchlings and rips out her heart and Sookie blinks repeatedly in horror.
Antonia calls down a fog spell (it’s like she’s Storm, but without the itchy white wig and blinding contacts!). Everyone wanders in the fog and grabs random people as if they’re at a particularly smoky rave. Tara shoots a vamp with a wooden bullet and freezes, grossed out at the backsplash. Pam whooshes in and grabs the gun from her.
Alcide, believing promises are made to be broken, runs to Sookie’s and then hears the screaming from the nearby cemetery. He runs to Sookie’s aid, followed closely by a white wolf. Pam has Tara’s jugular in her grasp, but Bill calls her off. He tells Pam he forbids her to hurt Tara now or ever, or he will personally execute her. Pam rages at the lameness of it all, but obeys. Tara asks why Bill saved her, and he tells her that she knows why (rhymes with nookie). Eric gnaws on a witchling while Sookie is grabbed by another until she powers them away with her glowy hand of shininess. Sookie is shot and Bill and Eric both freak from opposite sides of the cemetery. Bill is chained in silver by witchlings, a silver cross pressed to his temple for good measure. Eric (in his now blood soaked stoner jacket) approaches Antonia. She casts him to retract his fangs. Sookie falls to the ground, gut shot, and collapses in the fog. Alcide finds her and carries her away, Debbie transforming from wolf form to naked form as she watches sadly. Antonia commands Eric to serve her and she pets his head like a favorite Corgi as the bell tolls.