It’s time for two great things to come together. Like booze and dessert. Jello Shooters! Specifically, the Mountain High Jello Shooter. (Do I love you, my oh my!)
Note on jello shooters: you can play around with whatever liquor you want to use, just stick with those measures so it’ll set right. This should make about 20 shooters, by the way. And don’t forget your Bingo Card!
Well, gang, it looks like Puck has gone to juvenile hall, so the Gleeks are down one person. (He drove a Volvo into a 7-11 and drove off with the ATM. He’s cute, not smart, is Puckerman.) Brittany agrees with me: “He may be the dumbest person on the planet, and that’s coming from me.” [SHOOT!] But never fear, for Mr. Schuester has a new member to introduce, Hot Shower Boy Sam Evans!
Quinn’s interest is piqued by the cutie pie, and so is Kurt’s. Sam is a dork with voices and lame jokes (which, let’s be honest, is my kryptonite) making Quinn rethink the “damn, who’s the cute boy” because she’s that girl. Kurt whispers to Mercedes that he believes Sam is gay. And why, you ask? Because Kurt suspects Sam spends a little bathroom time with Miss Clairol, Ash Blonde #301.
Will asks the class if they know what a duet is. “It’s a blanket,” Brittany happily answers. [SHOOT!] I have a feeling this is the class she’s happiest in, as she is always so confident in her answers. For funsies, there will be a competition around this week’s assignment. Best duet wins dinner for two at Breadstix. The gang loses their collective minds. You get that they’re legally required to continue to bring you bread sticks, right?
Kurt introduces himself to Sam after class and tries to get him to admit he colors his hair. Sam is a little freaked out, “I’m gonna… go.” Wait! Kurt’s sorry, he thought he could trust his color-dar, but regardless, he wants to team up because they’re going to win this thing. If Sam can’t sing with Rachel, Kurt’s his best bet. Alright, then. Finn watches from afar and gets worried.
Santana and Brittany make out [Sweet lady kisses, SHOOT!] which Santana likes more than “all of that scissoring” [oh my god, what!? LOL.] Brittany asks her to be her duets partner. Santana sits up, fixes her pony, and tells Brittany that she’s not there making out with her because she’s in love with her or anything (oh really?) she’s just super horny now that Puckerman is gone. She’s not wanting to sing lesbian songs with Brit about making lady babies, tchuh. Poor hurt Brittany.
Santana approaches Mercedes, and even though they hate each other (sometimes Santana throws weird things in Mercedes food when she’s not looking.) Mercedes has to admit that they are amazing singers and could totally walk away with the prize. Mercedes thinks about the bottomless salad, narrows her eyes, and admits that their voices “sort of go together.” Get ready, folks, just get ready.
Finn finds Kurt and asks him to not sing with Sam, it’s going to drive him out of Glee. Note: Kurt is wearing a hideous visor. [SHOOT!] When Kurt looks horribly affronted, Finn reminds him of how aggressively Kurt pursued him last year, and that if Finn had done that to a girl, there would have been restraining orders involved. Kurt just thinks Finn has a problem with him being gay. “No, dude, I don’t. I have issues with the fact that you don’t understand that no means no.”
That got through. (But so far, Sam hasn’t said no, Finn. I get where he’s coming from, but – well, keep reading, we’ll get there.) Finn is worried that Sam singing with Kurt will get him teased to the point of quitting Glee. Basically life is just unfair, guys.
Rachel and Finn practice their duet number, Elton John’s “Don’t Go Breaking My Heart.” Such a cheesy song, but they sound great. Too great, it turns out. Rachel is worried that they’re going to win. What the what now? She thinks she’s being too selfish – she’s starting to realize that it’s good for the team to have high morale. Finn’s unselfishness is rubbing off on her. She wants Sam to win, which means they’ll throw the competition. That would make everyone happy. Growth! We have growth!
Mike isn’t sure about singing with Tina because he’s not the best singer. She wants to win a dinner that isn’t Dim Sum with Mike’s mom. She just wants a normal meal, is that so wrong? What’s not normal about Dim Sum? Hey, she loves steamed pork knuckles and tripe and taro buns like any other girl, but they have salad at Breadstix! Mike is affronted as there is also salad at Dim Sum; his mother had it last night. But it had chicken feet in it, Mike. Tina wants a foot-free salad for once. Mike suggest they go to Asian couples therapy. Hey gang? Did you remember that Mike and Tina are Asians?! Ha ha, they all just love chicken feet. (But don’t get Tina started on “special tofu.”)
Brittany tells Artie in the hallway that she’s really into him. But… they’ve never even made eye contact before? Brittany admits that for a while she suspected Artie of being a robot. [SHOOT!] Now she wants to date him and “get him in a stroller.” (Brittany has a serious baby fetish.) So… Artie can tell people they’re dating? Yep! Just be her duet partner, too, please. She pushes his chair down the hallway and shoots Santana a dirty look.
Finn finds Sam in – where else – the showers and says he thinks maybe Sam shouldn’t do a duet with Kurt. Sam listened to a bunch of mp3s Kurt sent him, and whatever, bro, the kid can sing. For a minute there, Sam thought he was listening to Faith Hill. Also, Sam’s no dummy. Finn tries to talk him into “laying low” and not setting himself up for slushies. Sam figures Finn has a problem with gay people; Sam doesn’t. Also, he gave his word, and Sam is a good guy that follows through.
I want to take a minute to say that Chord Overstreet’s body is insane. Insane. Also, I get that Finn is worried because of past experiences, but this was a situation where he could just give out information and walk away. Him pushing it just makes it seem like he’s homophobic, when he’s not.
Sam walks out and gets slushied by Azimio and Karofsky. Well… shit. Quinn helps him clean up and the chemistry is kuh-ray-zee with them. Sam wonders why Quinn is in Glee – she’s so popular, and all. “What’s the point of being popular if you can’t do what you want?” Nice answer, young lady. And then Sam starts speaking Navi to her and she’s not sure what to do with the hot geeky boy. (Send him my way, that’s what you do.)
Kurt helps Burt with dinner and pillow fluffing, since Burt is confined to the sofa as he recovers. Kurt tells him about Glee, the duets, Sam, and Finn telling him to back off. Burt thinks quietly for a minute and says that maybe Finn has a point. Who the what now? Well, let’s get frank, son. Burt didn’t have all of the facts from last year. Now, it’s obviously not okay for Finn to have used that slur in their home, but, he explains, straight guys don’t know how to handle unwanted advances from gay guys.
It’s not okay for them to be dicks about it, but Kurt can’t force himself into someone’s life just because he’s attracted to them. “Why can I walk hand in hand with a person I like? Why can’t I slow dance at the prom?” Oh, poor kid. [Kurt cries, SHOOT.] Your dad wants those things for you, he really, really does, but until someone as brave and out as you are comes around, it’s going to be a lonely road. Poor kid, he’s just tired of going solo. (Just wait!! Also, [SHOOT!])
It’s time for your mind to be blown with awesome. Mercedes and Santana perform Tina Turner’s “River Deep, Mountain High.” Just watch. Seriously, that’s ridiculous. And [SHOOT!] They totally bring the house down, and Rachel and Finn get nervous – maybe Sam can’t beat that. Santana tells the class that she bought special order bibs for herself and Weezy because “we’s be goin’ ta Breadstix.”
Kurt pops in the locker room while Sam is – what else? – showering. This kid has the best hygiene of any teen boy ever. Kurt’s not there to go Shawshank on him, even though Sam has a pretty, pretty mouth. Kurt’s there to release him from the bondage of Duet-dom.
“Did I do something to offend you?’ How great is this kid?
Oh no, no, Kurt just wants to go a different way on the duet, and also, Sam should look into shampoo for color treated hair. (“I don’t color my hair!”) Mm hm, wink!
Rachel and Finn decide that the only way they can throw the competition is to sing a bad song. Finn says that not only should it be bad, it should be offensive. Meanwhile, Tina asks Artie if they can maybe do the assignment together and then have a nice dinner as friends? Uh, player don’t play, lady love, and besides, Artie’s rollin’ with a new boo, so Tina needs to step off. He waggles his fingers at Brittany, who giggles and smiles.
Next time in Glee, Kurt tells the group that he’s going a different way and singing with the best member of the club. Himself. (Ha. Rachel looks around, expecting him to say her.) He does a stage performance of “Le Jazz Hot!” from Victor Victoria in the full regalia. I don’t know about that musical, it was never a favorite of mine. But Kurt is obviously a talented singer (even though he over enunciates in this performance) and that last note that scales three octaves is impressive. I think I don’t like the slicked back hair. I want Kurt to have his pompadour. I have specific needs, guys.
Sam and Quinn hang in the science lab where Sam tells her that this planet (he points to Uranus) reminds him of her. He asks her to sing a duet with him, and shows her an idea he had where she helps him play his guitar. Nice move, bro, she’s right there on top of you. And as he leans in to steal a kiss, Quinn freaks out, mumbles about not doing this again, this is her year to be selfish. She scrams. Poor Sam, with his flushed cheeks and messy hair and open heart and utter adorableness.
Tina and Mike are up next to perform (Mike is nervous) and they do a great rendition of “Sing” from A Chorus Line. Before they perform, Santana grumbles about this being a waste of time, because she’s already won. Brittany looks at her, then looks away. “I’m mad at you. But you’re still so hot.” [SHOOT!] Mike can’t sing at all, but Tina can, and the number goes over well. Mike does his trademark, “Who, me? DERP!” face, so [SHOOT!]
Finn confronts Sam about kissing Quinn, that’s a major Glee party foul. (Since when?) He works on Sam, wanting him to convince Quinn to perform with him. Meanwhile, Rachel is trying to do the same with Quinn. But Quinn is no dummy. “What’s your angle?” Rachel is essentially telling her she’s not winning? Nuh uh, something’s up. “Um, I just want healthy competition for second place.” Perfect words, Quinn wants to rub them up Rachel’s nose after she’s won.
Quinn tells Sam that she’s in. And they’re going to need to spend a lot of free time together. Oho!
Artie and Brittany practice in her room, but Artie wants to flounce out – he knows he still has feelings for someone else. “The Clintons?” [SHOOT!] No, Tina. Hmm, Brittany is super good at making people forget other people… In one of the funnier visuals, she lifts Artie out of the chair, carries him in her arms to her bed, and climbs on top of him. After all, he’s on the football team, they would have gotten around to this eventually. Artie whispers, “Am I about to lose my virginity?”
In one of the second funnier visuals, Rachel and Finn perform their duet, Billy Preston and Syreeta Wright’s “With You I’m Born Again,” while dressed as a sexy nun and a priest. The great thing is how wonderful they sound singing this lame song, and then them as Thorn Birdsian lovers? Aha ha. [SHOOT!] Finn drops to a lower register, which sounds great, and then they hold their hands in prayer and end the song in a plagal cadence. I laughed so hard. (Err, that’s the amen cadence that a lot of hymns end with, in case that was too dorky to know.)
Everyone hates it (Quinn: “I seriously want to punch both of you.”) Finn and Rachel feign shock that Mr. Schuester would be disappointed in them. Nice work, you two.
Sam and Quinn take their turn, and it’s Jason Mraz and Colbie Caillat’s “Lucky.” It is utterly charming, their voices are sweet together, and a lot of times Quinn sounds like she has a bubble in her throat, but with Sam and the key they’re singing in? Adorable. And they have crazy chemistry, a fact that does not go unnoticed by an increasingly sad Kurt Hummel.
After class, Artie breaks up with Brittany. He’s learned that the only reason why she wanted to partner up with him and stuff was to win the competition. (Flashback to Santana being really mean and telling Artie.) Brittany is upset and says that after they won, “I was going to order us a really long piece of spaghetti like in Lady and the Tramp. I’ve been practicing pushing the meat ball across the table with my nose.” [SHOOT!]
Artie thinks she was really insensitive to his virginity. He wasn’t even sure that it would be possible for that to ever happen after his accident, and it was a really big deal. It hurts that it was practically meaningless to her. He won’t be her partner, he’s pulling out of the competition, and rolls off. Brittany looks legitimately upset, however.
Will puts the class to voting on a winner. Everyone basically votes for themselves (Brittany writes “ME!” and she didn’t even compete [SHOOT!]) and if it hadn’t been for Finn and Rachel not for themselves, Sam and Quinn wouldn’t have won. Fortunately they did, Sam and Quinn are super pleased, and Santana gets Lima Heights on err-body.
Rachel finds Kurt at his locker and tells him that they’re a little more similar than he’d think. He looks at her through narrowed eyes and says, “That’s a terrible thing to say.” Ahahaha. Look, Rachel knows that they’re going to Nationals, and they’re going to win. And they’re going to do that because they have Kurt. She asks him to sing a duet with her in class. “You’re lonely, but you’re not alone.” Rachel Berry, you keep growing by leaps and bounds. Good work.
Sam and Quinn are at dinner and he dorks it up. He does do a great Matthew McConneghey impression, however. “Alright, alright! It’d be cooler if you did!” He just transferred from an all boys school, so that’s why he has no game. She can’t decide if she likes it, or if he’s really weird. He puts his foot in his mouth several times, saying how brave she is for coming back to school when he’d fall off a cliff and die if he’d gotten pregnant.
He does confide that he knows what it’s like to have a secret. “Oh my god… so you are gay?” No! It’s just… Kurt was right. He does color his hair. He put lemon juice in it so he could start the year as a cool looking surfer dude. She’s charmed by him (who wouldn’t be?) and puts the gift certificate away. She wants him to pay for dinner. Why? Because a gentleman always pays on a first date. Adorable.
Rachel and Kurt sing their number for the class, the fantastic “Happy Days Are Here Again/Get Happy” mash-up from Barbra and Judy. As they sing, there’s a montage of the kids and where they are now: Brittany looking forlornly at Artie, Kurt taking care of his dad, and the shy new romance between Sam and Quinn. Rachel is wearing a nod to Barbra in her sailor top and Kurt is wearing an homage to the Tin Man in his shiny suit. It’s a weird trip from Judy to the Tin Man, but I can make it work. Also: [SHOOT!]
Drunken Thoughts: Great episode, all around. For season two it’s one of the better written, produced, and performed episodes by all measures. (Even though I think Mercedes and Santana wiped the floor with the competition.)
…and next week? Rocky Horror: Click here!