Remember Mike had that chick that’s DTF? Brit? She rushed over at 4am for a booty call because she is bursting with self respect and has no daddy issues whatsoever. This week the show starts with Mike leaving her to find her shirt while he calls her a cab. He goes to the terrace sofa for some shut eye and is awoken by a hell beast bent on his destruction. A pigeon lands nearby, basically.
Snooki and Ron head out for breakfast and a trip to the gym (good for you, Snooki! Way to be dedicated.) Problem one: she won’t wear glasses so she can’t see anything and problem two: neither know how to read a map. They eventually find an outdoor cafe, settle in, and she orders a glass of “Pinot Greeg.” Good drink before working out. She explains that wine in Italy is the same as having coffee back home.
She gets Ron to talk about Sam (I guess the cast is under contract) and she wants them to talk it out so there are no surprises. He’s not into it, but Snooki’s pretty sure that they’ll get back together, get married, and end up in adjoining prisons for assault. Romance isn’t dead, kids.
Deena and Sam are out as well, drinking some wine and flirting with the waiter. Well, Deena is. She gets his number, thinks he has a nice smile even though he’s a Lean Cuisine. More importantly, “He can actually speaks well English.” He’s super gooder than thems other dudebros, ferserious.
Snooki and Ron finally find their way to Luigi’s gym. He’s super creepy around Nicole, and at one point when spotting her, she freaks out yelling, “Your wiener is touching my back!” Gross. Kick that wiener, Snooki! Ron says he’s a nice guy, he’s just a creeper. Uh…
There’s a quick shot of an amazing performance in front of the arc in the Piazzale degli Uffizi. A woman in a white dress is performing acrobatics while floating in the air from dozens of balloons. Um, more of that, MTV, wassamatta witchu? (Florence government actually forbade MTV from filming any historical spots.)
Vinny and Pauly kill time before heading out to the club with the mini-foosball table. Mike tells everyone that Brit’s twin is going to join in on the festivities. JWOWW thinks that’s disgusting, but the dudes are all excited.
They get to the club and Snooki gets separated from the girls. She wanders around looking for them and some guy jumps out at her, saying, “Bellissima!” She screams and teeters off into the night on her platforms. And seriously, I am so grossed out by that chunk of white hair under her extensions! Did she dye her hair too much and now she can’t do anything or it’ll break off? It’s fug, girlfriend.
Sam and Ron make faces at each other. They’re either faces of longing or they’re both constipated. (Given the amount of pasta and cheese they all consume, I can believe either.) Sam’s drunk, which means she wants to “tawk” to Ron, but he’s learned a few things. No drunk relationship talk. Good for you. He shuts it down, they’ll talk another time.
Deena got the waiter to come out and join them at the club, and they promptly start Italianing. (That much tongue and that much tanner? It’s no longer Frenching.) She’s all over him on the dance floor, grinding and kissing him, and Sam calls that “Hubbying it up.” O…kay.
The girls toast the night, “Firenze!” Snooki leans over to Jenni and asks if that means Florence. “Yeah,” she laughs.
True story, you’s can also call the place Florentia. Deez guys, they got all sorts of alternate names for things. You know what’s stiff, wrinkly and has another name? [Points at crotch] Heh heh.
The twins show up. Eh, I guess there are just some people that are into the twin thing regardless of whether they’re actually attractive or not. Mike introduces them to Pauly, who coins the phrase “Twinning!” Pauly took his tiger blood this morning like a good warlock. Mike tells the girls that they’ll eventually come home with him, so go do their thing, and they’ll meet up later. Then he goes off to find a better option and the twins are his “fall back” position.
How is this happening? How am I watching girls agree to go home with Popeye the Snitching Man after he pretty much says that he’s going to see if he can’t do better, if not, he guesses you’ll do? HOW IS THIS HAPPENING.
So, as expected, Mike can’t get any Italian girls (Le donne italiane sono molto intelligenti, sembra.) Everyone heads home and Mike plans on calling Brit and Erica up. Douche. No, really, ladies: douche. Preferably with bleach. (Listerine used to be touted as a douche, just putting that out there.)
Deena and her waiter make out, head back to the house, and continue making out in her shared room. I was happy to see that she took her shoes off to walk upstairs reducing the likelihood of falling on her face. But girl, those are dirty streets, get some shower shoes! I think even Forever 21 sells flats that fold in half for easier purse storage.
Snooki, on the phone with her dad back in the states, continues to be accosted by Mike. She sighs, hangs up on her international call, and let’s Mike tell her how much he cares about her. Ew. He sloppily kisses her cheek, she rolls her eyes. He keeps trying to hook up, says, “I love you, girl” multiple times, and generally tries to start drama.
Deena and her guy get pretty hot and heavy with the making out, and Vinny and Pauly (who share the room) give her shit. They really are being cock blocks, but they’re guys so they’re the only ones that are allowed to use the room for sexy times. But, there is a Smush Room, she should have gone in there. But the guys didn’t need to be all loud, making her all loud, and the waiter is sitting in the bedroom weighing his options. Dude, it’s not worth it, flee.
And then Deena (still yelling) says she’s not even gonna “do sex,” so they should shut the fuck up, jeez. Aaaaand as expected, once Deena passes out, the guy slips out of the house, never to be seen from again. Smart choice, buddy, smart choice.
The next day Brit calls, Ron answers and hangs up on her. She calls back and Pauly answers. He says “This is Vinny and I’m deeply in love with you.” She sounds confused, asks for Mike, and Pauly hangs up on her. She calls back again. Ron picks the phone up and hangs it up. I swear to god, SHE CALLS A FOURTH TIME, and Ron takes the phone and says he’s Mike. He invites the twins over in an hour. And then Ron and Pauly leave. Ahaha.
The girls show up and ring ring ring the bell. Deena finally buzzes them in, but no one greets them. (Snooki is back on the phone with Jionni.) The twins wander around the house, Snooki gives them an “Eh?” face. “Why are they here now? It’s day time?” Whores only come out at night, am I right ladies? I’ve not seen the sun in seventeen years. Bump it!
Mike looks up and sees them. He’s shocked and does his douchey “Heh heh, oh. Heh,” laugh. I would pay good money to hear him attempt a Popeye laugh. He makes them sit in the living room while he gets ready. Ron and Pauly come back and immediately start laughing. Now, the girls can hear them. Why would you subject yourself to this treatment? I’m not excusing anyone, but Christ, where is your shame, ladies?! We’re all born with it, it’s an essential part of living, and they seem to just not have any.
The guys tease the twins.
Pauly: If I pull your hair will she feel it?
Tweedle Dee (Erica): Try on her.
Tweedle Dum (Brit): You bitch! Ha ha.
Pauly (to Brit): If you’re twins, then you’re a bitch, too.
Pauly? You have been on fire all season. The girls and Mike leave, with him bragging about how confident he is that he’ll pull off the most magical of threesomes: the twinsome.
Sam and Ron go to a rooftop cafe to eat and talk. Sam immediately classifies this as a date. He just wants to talk sober. Sam says that she knows what she wants now: a man that will not only Ped-Egg her heels without asking, but will also wax her armpits, walk her dog, give her spending cash, and have cucumber slices ready for her de-puffing. Ron gets out that he’s been really happy just hanging out, and Sam decides they’re back together. Ron looks like he got hit by a bus and agrees. But he does love her and misses holding her, popping her back acne, lotioning up her corns, and deep conditioning her weave.
Sam looks around happily, “Look at how romantical it is.”
(She actually said that.)
So…that happened. They’re sure it’ll be different. After all, this time they’re in Italy, they’ll at least swear at each other in a new language! When they get back home, Ron confesses to Snooki that they’re back together.
When they’re dressing for the club that night, Pauly notices that Ron is wearing a V-neck. “Uh oh, that means he’s back with Sam!” Ron runs out to change his shirt. Too late, buddy the jig is up! Vinny tells us that now that this has happened, they’ve just set back any progress by months. Pauly tells us that he considered suicide if they got back together. He blows the camera a kiss, walks solemnly off camera and we hear a gun shot.
Shit, this season got dark!
They’re all at the club having fun even with a huge crowd gawking at them. (I’m fairly certain they like that.) The twins show up and all the stalker alarms go off with everyone. Deena tells them that while they’re both beautiful, one of them is clearly hotter. (The newly introduced twin, Tweedle Dee.) Then Tweedle Dee tells Deena that she’s watched her sister have sex with a dude before. Nope, not creepy or disturbing at all.
Oh, and that she’s a virgin. Riiiiiiiiiiight. Snooki says, “Turns out Erica is a virign? Eh. The other is one is a big whore.” But how do you feel, Nicole?
Mike works the “you’re both coming home with me” line except for how Deena comes over to them, takes Erica by the hand and pulls a visible robbery. I think that’s a B&E at this point. “You’re too attached to your sister.” Well, I actually agree with her there.
They hit the dance floor, holding hands, and then they start making out. Mike mutters, “I don’t like it.” Well, we don’t like you, Suckuation, so there you go. Deena tells the camera, “When you’re drunk sometimes you kiss girls.” Vinny puts his arms around both of them while Pauly grins hugely. They’re just happy another same sex couple is coming out. It’s a Rainbow Coalicktion up in the bitch.
Pauly says this is “the full-on Lesbi-honest experience.” Mike has a sad; he’s being denied his menage-a-twin. There is so much ick there I can’t even.
They all leave, girls in a cab, guys in another, and Deena and Erica make out the whole way home. They hit Deena’s bed (“Let’s go play!”) while Vinny lies four feet away, trying to blend in with the duvet so he’s not kicked out.
Mike stations Brit in his bed, then heads over to hang out with Snooki on the terrace. Meanwhile, Ron, Sam and Jenni are eating and Ron says that Mike told him a story he doesn’t want to repeat. Doesn’t mean he won’t, he just doesn’t want to. He tells Jenni that Mike claims to have hooked up with Snooki, specifically that she cheated on Mike with Jionni. (I think you have the names wrong, dude, but whatever. No one is going to confuse you with Leonardo.) Jenni wants to confirm this, then goes outside and interrupts Mike’s umpeenth attempt to get Snooki interested in him.
While this is going on, Deena has come stumbling out in search of food, leaving Erica in her bed. Erica promptly climbs on Vinny, and falls off. She’s super trashed and just wants to know if she can make out with him? And she does. Deena comes back, finds her in bed with Vinny, pantsless, and pulls her out to come back into her bed.
Do these people forget that their sixth grade science teachers can see this shit? They’re Youth Counselors from church? Their freaking parents? Just… good god, gain some sense. Deena does insist that Erica put her panties back on. (Oh, so she’s just wanting kissing and boob play, then. Not the full lesbi-honest experience after all.)
Jenni pulls Snooki away and tells her that Mike has told everyone that they hooked up. “WHAT.” She insists they didn’t do anything, Jenni stands by her girl, and Snooki confronts Mike. Long argument short, Mike insists that he’s no liar (uh, yeah you are, dude) and Snooki insists that nothing happened and that Mike’s a dick munch for trying to wreck her relationship with Jionni. Can’t argue with that.
Mike had a fabulous stammer when busted by her, though. “Who told you this? Where would you – I never – wait, I didn’t tell everyone in the -” LIES ALL LIES.
Mike insists that everyone knows he’s as honest as an ugly baby, as open as a sore. Snooki insists he’s just a psycho. Sam and Ron sit quietly watching, not knowing what to do. Do they start fighting, too? They’ve never been on the spectator side of an argument. We’re all having new experiences on our European tour, guys.
In the bedroom of the Three Stooges, Deena and Erica make out to the point where Erica takes off her panties. Deena isn’t having it, and shoos her to Vinny’s bed. My god, I hope these kids wear condoms. Probably not, though, huh? SIGH. Also, virgin my ass.
No one else has gotten any sleep because eh meh ghed, Jionni is gonna be mad at Snooki, life is totes over! Ron advises her to just tell him what’s going on, because if she’s innocent… Mike pulls Ron aside and says he’s mad about Bro Code being broken. Whatever, dude, Mike is the furthest thing from a Bro. My Nana is more of a Bro than he is. (She’s pretty solid, though.) Ron eye rolls the Snitchuation and his pleas for decency.
Mike crawls back in bed with Scabies, Jenni and Snooki hug (and they are the cutest BFFs) and then a cut to Scabies pulling off her top and crawling on top of Genital Warts. Hot.
NEXT WEEK! Snooki tells Jionni! Mike and Ron fight! SOMEONE MIGHT DIE. (By the hand of the evil pigeon, that’ll be the big twist!) Click here to go to the next episode!