Alcide runs from the cemetery with Sookie in his arms like they’re Rhett and Scarlett running from the burning of Atlanta. Faster than a speeding…Bill…Sookie is snatched out of Alcide’s arms as Bill vamp-speeds her into her house. He bites his wrist and gives it to her to drink as he apologizes for letting her come to the détente. Alcide enters and asks why, exactly, Bill allowed that, but Bill is just looking for some werewolf STFU right now. Sookie isn’t able to drink and she barely has a pulse. Alcide asks if there’s anything else they can do and Bill says they can pray. “Werewolf and vampire? Who’s gonna listen?” Alcide asks dispiritedly and a pain-faced Bill is sure he doesn’t know. Too bad Bill wasn’t more detail-oriented on making sure he got all of the vampire denizens of Bon Temps rounded up; Beulah’s curlers and housecoat had Pentecostal prayer-warrior written all over them.
At Moon Goddess, the witchlings fret over the collateral damage their side has taken. Holly asks why Antonia brought a muzzy, blood-stained Eric back with them. Antonia says he is under her control, “Tell them, blond one.” Oh, Eric: diminished to your highlights! Tara asks why Antonia didn’t take the olive branch Bill offered (probably because it was full of more strings than olives?). Antonia ignores her and orders them all to join hands so they can cast a protective spell against the vampires. The witchlings defy formation like a drunken flag corps and Tara announces that she speaks for everyone when she says she doesn’t think this is what any of them signed up for. Holly has her back, but Roy, still looking like a back-of-the-van energy drink salesman, says he’s pleased as punch to be in this mess. Antonia beams and all but gives him a smiley face sticker. Antonia brandishes a flyer for the Festival of Tolerance and informs them that they will be taking the blond one with them to show the whole world what vampires are capable of and what they are capable of doing to vampires. Holly goes to call Marnie down and Antonia reverbs, “My name is Antonia!” She’s like Tina Turner; all she wants is her name! And total vampire annihilation. The witchlings attempt to disperse and Antonia locks them in.
Sookie comes to and Bill and Alcide’s faces swim into focus. She does a quick head count of dudes she’s macked on and asks where Eric is. Sookie sits up despite Bill’s protests and continues to ask for Eric becomes somewhere, even if it’s Narnia, there’s a place for them! Bill tells her his men are looking for Eric, but now that she’s okay, he’ll join the search himself. Alcide thinks this is some bullshit, because Sookie just came THIS close to dying over fangers, again. Sookie tells Bill that every minute they don’t search for Eric, dramatic dot dot dot. Alcide and his butter-soft, caramel-colored jacket are done and he is out. Bill and his black leather Member’s Only jacket are stalwart, and Sookie thanks him for the blood and all.
Luna finally gets Emma settled after the whole mad-daddy situation and goes to find Sam. She tells Sam that her problems are not his problems, but what in the hell would Sam want with a woman without problems? They make his damage seem so much less. Sam susses out that Luna is worried about Pack Master Marcus returning and says that there should be no one home if he does return. Luna tells Sam that she’s trying to teach Emma that you can’t run from your problems, but Sam tells her that he isn’t talking about running away, but about getting back to nature: whole different set of events. They’re going camping! Well, now we know why Sam always has random bags of marshmallow gator bait.
Debbie, in a Barbara Mandrell nightgown (I realize that’s a dated reference, but so is the nightgown), watches late night TV. She gets a stiff whiff of a returning Alcide and feigns sleep. Alcide strides naked to the bed and I re-wind in case I, uh, missed an important bit of non-dialogue. He nuzzles Debbie’s back and her eyes go feral.
A sobbing, blood-faced Jessica burbles out her romantic troubles to Nan. Nan tells her that there have been times when she has wondered if she should put her career on hold and jump on the vampire mommy track, but these few hours with Jess have quelled that thought. Jessica sniffs that Nan’s nothing like she is on TV. Bill enters and Nan tells him she thought it best to go to ground in his kingdom in preparation for the Festival of Tolerance. She compliments his TV sound bites and asks what he’s screwed up now. Cut to: Nan, Jess and Bill sizzling in their silver as Nan snipes, “I almost hesitate to ask, but is there anything else I need to know?” Bill mutters that Eric has disappeared, and Nan wonders how that can be, since Bill was supposed to give him the true death. Bill says he changed his mind and Nan faux-marvels at what a decisive leader Bill’s become. Reluctantly, Bill tells her that they’ll have to cancel the festival, as it’s possible that Eric has fallen under Antonia’s power. Nan says they can’t cancel; there are factions Bill knows not of! What factions? Well, the media, duh; we’re talking Nan’s lifeblood here. Nan can’t be expected to cancel with no explanation, I mean, what would she tell Perez Hilton and Ariana Huffington? Bill tells her it could be witches (some evil witches!). Yeah, that answer might work for Ariana, but you know Perez is just going to draw a penis coming out of Nan’s mouth. Nan tells Bill he makes her long for Sophie-Anne, and he passes the buck, telling her that she can’t see beyond the next headline. She icily instructs him to bolster security and put his big girl panties on.
Hoyt’s alarm clock blares a rooster crow and he stumbles through his beer and whiskey be-decked house to silence it. He sits on one of Jessica’s Taylor Swift cds (and you know he’ll never be able to listen to that “Dear John” song again) and huffs in annoyance. He grabs a box and starts packing up the sum total of her existence: Twilight books, hair clippies, Bed Head products, etc. and labels the box “For You, Monster.” Lafayette-Mavis enters with Mikey in his arms and Hoyt greets him in confusion. Lafayette-Mavis whirls around with a virtue-fluttering, “Get out of my house!” When Hoyt stares in befuddlement, Lafayette-Mavis pulls Andy’s gun. Hoyt gets defensive at that and tells Lafayette-Mavis that this isn’t his house, or, for that matter, his baby! Lafayette-Mavis runs Hoyt out at gun-point and reaffirms to Mikey that he is too his/her baby.
Arlene tells Deputy Jason that she knows it was Mikey’s daddy who came and took him. Jason points at Terry and asks, reasonably, “Ain’t that his daddy right there?” Arlene covers her mistake by blustering that they’re dealing with amateurs! Jason tells her he’s just trying to get the story because they have no idea where to start looking. Fortuitously, Hoyt calls Jason on his cell and tells him that Lafayette just came to his house with Mikey and a gun. Arlene, Terry and Jason argue about who’s going to go get Mikey while Andy gets Hoyt some pants and takes a moment to slam some V.
Sookie, in a red ‘40s style robe, sex-kitten hair and pumps, reclines on her couch. Like you do. Mood music plays as a knock sounds and Sookie moans a little and puts a Blanche DuBois sashay in her step as she heads to the front door. It’s the Blond One, standing in daylight, and Sookie marvels. Eric kisses her and bends her back over the kitchen table, only to see Bill has popped in to catch the floor show. Eric asks what Bill is doing there and Bill instructs him to ask Sookie, it’s her dream (which is why Eric is dressed like Season Two Eric). Sookie lounges on the dinette while Bill and Eric sit at opposite ends. Sookie says she has no idea why Bill is there, but Bill mind-project that she does, and that she never stopped loving him. Eric mind-interjects a gasping, ‘Is that true?’ And Sookie boggles that now everyone can hear everyone else! Bill and Eric fang-out with competing “Sookie is mine!” declarations, and though Eric’s is heartfelt, Bill still edges him out with the defiant use of Sookeh. Eric and Bill are quickly in each other’s faces and Sookie cries out for them to stop, even as the vamps stare hotly into each other’s eyes. Slash writers on three continents fumble their bottles of Yoo-Hoo at this holy shit moment. Sookie tells them that this is her dream, dadgummit, and they have to listen to her, as she leads them into the parlor. Bill follows first, because he loves her 20 times as much.
Tommy is at Merlotte’s, writing Sam a note that he sounds out to himself. He adds an addendum of “I fucked up,” which means HSN has either gotten wilder in its vocabulary than I remember, or Maxine was also learnin’ him with those pervy SOBs at QVC. Pack Master Flash stumps in and Tommy gets a whiff of werewolf. Tommy smirks that Sam ain’t around and informs Pack Master Marcus that he’s Sam’s brother. Marcus leaves his calling card (how quaint) and says that Sam should meet him there if he doesn’t want a bigger problem.
Jason and Andy arrive at Hoyt’s and a V-hopped Andy pounds on the door. Lafayette-Mavis says that Andy sounds like a white man he/she’s not opening the door for a white man! Andy calls Lafayette a racist shitbag and I’m sure there will be wank about that later. Jason reminds Andy that protocol calls for them to defuse the situation, but Andy’s a Bellefleur and he’s gonna unfuck this thing right the hell now. He knocks the door in, falls to the floor and Lafayette-Mavis takes aim with Andy’s own gun. Jason gets a bead on Lafayette-Mavis, but Mikey’s in the shot. Lafayette-Mavis tells them to get out of the house and fires at Andy, nearly clipping those little flyaway hairs on the top of his head. Jason and Andy dive back out of the house as Terry and Arlene pull up. Lafayette-Mavis waves the gun and Mikey from the porch, and when Arlene asks him why he’s doing this, he informs her that his name is Mavis! (All he wants is his name! And her baby.) Terry tries to go in and Andy tackles him, causing Terry’s legs to flail amusingly. Terry yells that Andy’s just jealous because Terry has a life and family and Andy doesn’t have squat.
Sam and Luna camp by the lake with Emma and Luna agrees that it was a great idea. Sam and Emma discuss bunnies and their twitchy little noses, and Emma tells Sam that she hopes she’s a shifter and not a werewolf. Luna gets concern-face and over-parents, but Emma says if she’s a shifter, one day she can be her own bunny and pet herself whenever she wants (yeah, I’m not touching that one with a ten-foot pole). Sam hops behind the tent and shifts into a bunny. Emma squeals about his cuteness as Luna just has the cream cheese charmed right out of her.
Sookie is still dressed like Anya in the musical episode of Buffy (the Eric-Sookie-Bill dream sequence has so far NOT morphed into a musical dream sequence, much to my disappointment), as she faces down Bill and Eric. Sookie says that she could have dreamed anything in the whole wide world, but instead she’s there with the two of them. She thinks it must mean she’s in love with both of them. Bill argues that can’t be true, it’s so not Sookie (yeah, ‘cause most of us have our sexual identity ironed out at 23, whatever, King Bill) and Sookie answers that’s just because she’s never tried to think outside the box (not touching that one, either). OT3 writers hold their collective breaths as Sookie says she can love both of them: she doesn’t have to be his or his, they can both be hers! Bill says kings don’t share; Eric says she has to choose. Sookie calls them on their petticoat-fluttering-morality, what with being vamps and all and ticky-boxes the 3-way double standard. She tells them she loves them both and asks them to love her back as she undoes her robe (now dressed as the slutty version of Anya in the Buffy musical). Bill and Eric eye each other and then both reach for Sookie’s hands. She kneels on the couch between them and they lean in to kiss her. Bill and Eric’s eyes meet, slash writers teeter on the edge of the couch, and then Bill and Eric double penetrate Sookie with a full-on fang-out! And then…she wakes up. Yeah, I saw it coming, too, but Sookie and I both sigh in disappointment.
Jason tries to talk Andy down from his V-rage and Andy puts Jason in charge. Jesus shows up at Arlene’s request, but he’s clueless as to what’s going on with Lafayette. Jason has a theory (it IS the Buffy musical!) and wonders if, when Jesus and Lafayette role-play, does Lafayette every pretend to be a woman named Mavis? Jesus is horrified on so many levels. Jesus tells Arlene he’s going in and that he’s going get her baby back. Lafayette is singing to Mikey in French as Jesus enters. Jesus tells Mavis that he just wants to help; he’s a brujo, a practicioner of magic. But Mavis has all the magic she needs in Mikey. Jesus tells her that the baby doesn’t belong to her; Arlene is crying for her baby and Mavis stole him from her. Mavis says she would never take another woman’s baby and Jesus agrees, but that something must have happened to Mavis, something she never made peace with, and it killed her. Mavis is incredulous, and then Jesus tells her that his boyfriend is a medium and that she has taken possession of his body. Mavis makes icky face, but it’s not over generational differences regarding same sex relations, it’s at the discovery that ‘she’ has a penis! She realizes that her own baby is dead and sobs. She says she just wants to hold her baby one last time, and asks if Jesus has that kind of magic. He promises to try.
Debbie buys V on the seedy streets of Shreveport, slams it like a pro and heads off to Sookie’s, where she practices a ‘hey, girlfriend!’ smile in the rearview first. Sookie invites Debbie in, and Debbie rambles about her love for Alcide and his interactions with Sookie, and Sookie cuts her off and tells her that she understands jealousy, but Debbie tried to kill her and that’s not something you just get over. Debbie says she knows Sookie’s in trouble because she smelled Sookie’s blood on Alcide and offers to help. Sookie grabs Debbie’s writs and tells her not to talk, Sookie will just listen. Debbie projects how much she loves Alcide, and how much she just wants to help Sookie, really. Sookie is relieved and Debbie tells her that it would be nice to know what people are thinking. Sookie assures Debbie that Alcide loves her and Debbie scrambles for those crumbs like she’s licking the last of the V out of the vial. Sookie decides to take Debbie up on her offer.
Jesus works his magic on Mavis, and she remembers her baby-killer-boyfriend telling her that she couldn’t hold her baby because he’d already buried it. Mavis doesn’t want to remember more, but Jesus insists she must face it. She remembers forcing baby-killer-boyfriend to look at her in the kitchen and then a knife going into her as she watched herself die. She watched him start digging and then her spirit flitted off. Jesus asks where he was digging and she points out a tree right outside. They head to the porch and Jesus tells everyone not to shoot. Arlene takes Mikey from Mavis and Mavis apologizes. Terry assures her that sometime these things happen. Arlene and Terry gaze down at Mikey with pure beams of “D’aww!”
Alcide meets Pack Master Flash at his cycle shop and tells him that he wants to move up in the pack because it’s important to Debbie. Pack Master Flash says the he calls a dude who will do anything for the woman he loves ‘a man.’ Musical overtones and girl power nods: it is Buffy! Pack Master Marcus asks Alcide to ride shotgun for him that night with a dude he needs to menace for stepping out with his ex-old lady, but Alcide says that he doesn’t like to get violent with people who haven’t pissed him off (or with those who have; he’s given Bill a pass twice now). Marcus assures him that’s not what he’s going for. He just wants Alcide to loom behind him like a singular, hotter Grabbe’n’Goyle. Alcide agrees.
Andy apologizes as Jason and Hoyt dig, but Jason’s tired of Andy’s apologies. Hoyt hits something buried and Jesus finds the skeletal remains of a baby and a woman. Jesus hands Mavis the swaddled skeleton of her child and she cradles it and sings. Jesus tells her that it’s time and puts his hand on Lafayette’s shoulder and begins to chant in Spanish. Mavis’s spirit and that of her babe-in-arms glowingly separate from Lafayette. Arlene and Jason marvel at the miracle and Mavis thanks Lafayette, who offers her a poignant, “You got it, bitch.” Mavis and her now more adorable, less mummified baby fade away.
Debbie knocks at Moon Goddess and baffles Antonia with growly, golden eyes that the Shreveport Werewolf Pack Troop 97 wants to join up against the vamps. While they debate, Sookie slips in through a back window. Debbie continues to offer Antonia muscle and support and wow, sometimes Debbie has serious circa 1993 Courtney Love overtones. I’m just saying. Sookie sees a light beneath a door and finds an Eric who recognizes her but doesn’t seem inclined to roll around in the snowflakes, with or without Bill. He tells her Antonia is forcing him to go all Macbeth on King Bill and before Sookie can decide if she can sell that “Out, damned spot!” line, Tara’s holding a gun on her and asking her how stupid she thinks she is. Antonia isn’t buying Debbie’s werewolf vengeance spiel, so Debbie totally rolls over and points out the Sookie in the background. Tara tells Sookie telepathically that they’re all being held hostage, Antonia’s headed for the Shreveport Dorchester and not for the seafood buffet, and then demands that Sookie charge her. Sookie does and the gun discharges, startling Eric, but allowing Sookie (and a sneaky-sneak Debbie) to escape. Sookie catches up with Debbie at the car, and Debbie’s not pleased but hides it. Sookie instructs her to drive to the Shreveport Dorchester.
Antonia tells her Blond One that it’s time to go and she also rounds up Roy, the Percy Weasley of her cadre of witches. Antonia tells the rest of them to stay there and seals them in. The doors are charmed to burn them, but they must try every last one, because they paid extra for that sizzle sound effect.
At the Shreveport Dorchester, the Louisiana sheriffs line up, but so do the Fearless Vampire Killers, that is to say, Fearless Vampire Cell-Cammers. The Tolerance pageant beings with the charter member of the LSU chapter of the Living Dead Alliance (Living. Dead. Alliance. That’s some brilliance right there). Bill sniffles around the ballroom and realizes that he, Nan and the token coed from the Living Dead Alliance are the only vamps there, and Nan agrees. He informs her that that’s like having a civil rights rally without black people and Nan primly schools him on his PC speak, and then theorizes that maybe those rallies would have involved less bloodshed if the disenfranchised minorities in question hadn’t been there. Bill’s double take at that is the best sight gag in the history of the show.
Hoyt and Jason drill Hoyt’s door back up. Jason says they witnessed a miracle tonight but Hoyt’s still down at the mouth. Jason spots and mocks the Taylor Swift cd and Hoyt informs him that it goes in the Monster Box with the rest of the Monster Stuff. Jason says that Jessica isn’t a monster; sometimes things just don’t work out. Hoyt says that he gave Jess everything and all he got in return were two little holes in his neck. He gives the monster box to Jason and asks him to give it to Jess. Jason says he doesn’t want to get in the middle but Hoyt reminds him that Jason is his BFF, who else is gonna be in the middle? Who else indeed.
Tommy as ‘Sam’ heads to Pack Master Marcus’s shop, and all six-feet-four of Alcide greets him at the door. Tommy-Sam walks into a circle of biker weres with all of Tommy’s belligerence and none of Sam’s sense. Tommy-Sam asks why he’s there and Marcus demands that he stop schtupping Marcus’s wife. Tommy-Sam informs him that she ain’t his wife no more, and anyhow, you can’t stop fucking somebody if you ain’t fucking them in the first place. Marcus marvels for a moment at that zen gem, but then says the only thing worse than screwing someone’s old lady is lying about it. Tommy-Sam assures Marcus that he’s never touched Luna (and here we’re intercut with scenes of Sam and Luna grinding madly in a naked, groany fashion in Sam’s tent) but he can’t say the same about his brother who had her legs in the air and halfway to happy land before her sundress hit the floor. Marcus’s eyes go golden and he punches Tommy-Sam, opening the floor to other weres to wipe Tommy-Sam with it. Tommy-Sam gets his ass kicked and Alcide asks Marcus to call them off. Marcus ignores him, and Alcide drags Marcus bodily away as someone gets in one last kick to Tommy’s kidneys and he shifts back to himself. Marcus realizes that it’s Merlotte’s brother, and Alcide hefts Tommy up and carries him out, because he’s just a hero like that and enjoys bookending his entrances and exits.
Nan addresses the Tolerance brigade as Eric shows up, vamp-speed, and sets the other sheriffs on his tail. Nan delineates her vampire facts and figures as behind the scenes, Antonia thralls the sheriffs.
Jason takes the Monster Box to Jessica, but he’s chivalrously scratched out the For You, Monster on the side. He tells her that Hoyt wanted her to have this, but he might be parrot-phrasing Hoyt’s words there, a little. He offers Jessica a chance to talk and she invites him in, but they both agree that’s probably a bad idea. Ten seconds later they’re bumping uglies in the back of Jason’s truck, rattling his chainsaw something fierce!
Sookie arrives at the hotel as Nan graciously intros Bill. Bill and Nan make shiny happy vamp faces as Antonia watches from the wings. Eric eases onto a theater balcony in a very John Wilkes Boothey way and watches Bill orate. Sookie runs through the crowd and cries out for Bill, causing Nan to lose her religion publicly. The thralled sheriffs take out the AVL security and the crowd runs; bodies flipping in the air like Cirque du Solelil without the ribbons. Sookie tells Bill to run, right as Eric makes a flying leap from the balcony in Bill’s general direction. Something tells me they’re not gonna almost kiss, this time.