Glee! 2.07 – The Substitute

This is also how I watch "Hoarders."

(It’s the Gwyneth Paltrow episode, so I have some fun with her.  Please tell me you know about GOOP. It’s insane.  Hence the following:)

SEE
The GOOP make her TV debut on Glee in this episode. (And is surprisingly awesome. Because let’s face it. It’s hard to like her. And yet.)

MAKE
A modified Russian vodka cocktail from The GOOP: The GOOP Standard.

READ
The recap featuring The GOOP.

The free space today is to drink whenever the show generated an actual LOL moment.  (There were loads, so be sure to harvest plenty of cruelty free lemons and use your platinum mandeline to cut those lemons just so.)

 

Sue finds Will in the hallway and she’s all smiles. Figgins has the monkey flu (there’s a virulent strain going around Lima, and gosh, if Sue didn’t happen to accidentally on purpose point a kid – Lauren Zises – right at Figgin’ face as she sneezed a good, germy schlorp. So it looks like he’ll be out for a while leaving one Sue Sylvester in charge. So that’ll be Principal Sue, and one of her first goals as acting Principal is to disband the Glee Club.

“I thought we were friends?”

“Yeah, that got boring.”

And lo and behold, Zises passes by Will and as Carl Orff plays overly dramatic music, she sneezes her snot of destruction right into his face.

He heads to class, trying to make it through the hour as a fever sets in. He starts hallucinating and sees all of the Gleeks as little kids. The mini-Rachel and Mercedes are maybe the cutest girls on the planet, I don’t know. Possibly the solar system, I don’t know the unit of measurement. Funny moment:

Mini Rachel: “I for one think we should use our set list for Sectionals to start exploring the oeuvre of Bernadette Peters.”

Mini Brittany: “Someday, I’m gonna go to Paris and visit the oeuvre.” [DRINK!]

Will heads home to suffer in the comfort of his own bed and wakes up later in a pile of crusty Kleenex to see Terri there with a bowl of soup. He wants her to go, but she still loves him, and one thing she did well was take care of him when he was sick. “That’s because you like me best when I’m weak.” That’s almost exactly what her therapist said! Oh, right, she’s in therapy and on some meds, and let’s just give it another shot, hmm?

And then she commits what I believe is a Cardinal Sin: she uses horrible listhping baby talk because Diddums needsth him a wectal pwobe! NO. No no no. He sends her away but before she goes, she sets out “Singing in the Rain,” his favorite movie to watch while sick. In your face, butt chin, she still knows what you like.

Rachel tries to take over Glee while Will’s out. Rachel gets their attention by scrawling “Me!” onto the white board and asking what solos they would like to hear her sing at sectionals. Santana goes all Lima Heights, having to be held back as Rachel stands frozen, screaming in terror. [DRINK!]

After class Kurt and Mercedes talk shop on their way to lunch. He tells her that he and Blaine are just friends, but it’s really nice to have someone that gets where he’s coming from. Mercedes cuts this off so she can get her tater tots on, but Kurt brings it back around to them needing a replacement for Mr. Schue. Rachel will not do. He suggests Ms. Holly Holiday, the Spanish substitute. The camera cuts to Spanish class where we have a Warbler sighting! It’s Chubby Warbler Trent Nixon!

Kurt had Ms. Holiday for English class a few days before, where she piano lounged up “Conjunction Junction.” A stoner in the class asked Kurt if he was hallucinating this. “You smell homeless, Brent. Homeless.” [DRINK!] He asks her if she’ll take over Glee and she says, “I thought you’d never ask.” That line is kind of her thing.

Puck gets the choir room ready by buttering the floor and telling everyone to switch names. Rachel stomps in, and promptly slips, falling on her keister. [DRINK] Holly comes in behind her and glides smoothly on the butter. Artie mutters, “Oh what the hell?”[DRINK – I laughed so hard at this.]

“¡Hola, clasé! Who’s who?”

Puck says he’s Finn and likes not getting laid, Santana says she’s Rachel and has lived with a giant stick up her butt for eleven years, and Brittany says she’s Mike Chang. [DRINK] Holly isn’t falling for it, because she saw their last performance and wanted to know why they didn’t sing cool songs. Cut to a flashback of Mr. Schuester trying to find an unsung Journey song to perform. She wants to do something modern and cool, but the kids scoff because she’s like, 40. Top 40, baby! (Uh, cool?)

Oh, she thought you’d never ask! Hit it! She busts out a super fun version of Cee Lo’s “Fuck You,” sanitized for television as “Forget You.” I love almost everything except her wailing “Why? Whyyyy?” because it sounds really creepy. Other than that, she’s a great singer. She doesn’t need to cut an album or anything, but stuff like this is fun. The kids think she’s pretty much the coolest teacher ever.

I will say this: I want to not like Gwyneth. I want to hate her because she’s snobby and disconnected from reality ($400 organic cotton sweaters are a must for the modern toddler? Are you kidding me with that shit, GOOP?) but damn. She looks like she’s a fun hang, doesn’t she? Well, minus the finger guns; she needs to learn to keep those in the holster. (And someone needs to tell Kurt he doesn’t have to dance double time.)

Sue continues her reign of terror by telling Beiste, who is giving a lecture on why you don’t spray Tough Actin’ Tenactin in your eye meat, that she’s canceling the football team. “So who are your Cheerios going to cheer for?” Hmm. Well. “I will…get back to you on all of this later.” [DRINK]

Defeated! Bested by the Beiste! Sue needs to have a triumph over the multitudes to act as a balm to her wounded soul. And then she sees all of the overweight people outside in the hallways and gets a light bulb moment. PO-TATER-TOTS. They shall be banished! Ah ha ha ha. HA HA HA! MUAH HA HA HA! Becky, send a memo. (Roger that, Chief.)

Will is on a stage with Mike doing a frame-by-frame recreation of “Make ‘Em Laugh” from Singing in the Rain. I mean… okay, his physicality is impressive, he’s a solid stage dancer and can keep up with Mike [who continually pulls faces: DRINK] but it’s just that it’s not interesting to watch an exact replica. Am I alone on this? And then it turns out to be a fever dream.

Rachel shows up with a Level 3 biohazard face-mask to report on the shenanigans happening under the tutelage of Ms. Holly Holiday. Will isn’t concerned, but that’s because he doesn’t know how buddy-buddy Sue and Holly are getting. Cut to the two women in Sue’s office drinking wine, touching up their roots, and watching Animal Hoarders. [DRINK] (But I have to disagree, that’s not better than the original on A&E, because the original is actually about helping people, not sensationalizing things. Sorry, end of my rant.)

Back at school, the Cheerios enter the cafeteria and remove all of the tots. Even from people’s plates. BANNED! There is a war on junk food at McKinley High. Mercedes is ready to either cry or cut someone. She yells at Brittany to hand them over. “They look like deep fried deer poop.” [DRINK]

After Kurt cancels on her again to hang out with Blaine, she’s just mad as hell and isn’t going to take any more. Mercedes confronts Sue, who turns it around. “Look, Jackée, [DRINK, 227 Meh-reh!] the health in this school is abysmal. What’s this?” She shows Mercedes a stalk of broccoli. “A toilet brush.” [DRINK]

“When I showed this to Brittany, she whimpered and thought I cut down a small tree where a family of gummy people lived.” [DRINK]  Oho. Sue thinks she’s tough? Mercedes is going to show her the meaning of the word; she will get her tots back.

Holly finds Rachel in the hall, but Rachel is pissed. “I would like you to know that I have a bruise on my hip from your game of gangsta rap musical chairs and I’ll be going on record with the school nurse later today.” [DRINK – oh, how I love pissy Rachel.]

And oh, does Rachel suck. From Holly’s perspective that is. Well, and Puck’s as well. Rachel is so pushy, always striving for perfection, it’s irritating. She needs to just cut loose once in a while! Well, there’s always been this upbeat, glamorous song Rachel’s wanted to perform, but it requires a partner.

“I thought you’d never ask.”

Get ready for a trip to Creeper Town, population Will. Terri is there caring for him again, for who knows what reason. She asks him if he’s happy, and he’s not. He stopped thinking he could ever be fulfilled again after losing Regionals last year. She feeds him soup because him’s just a wittle guy who can’t feeds himsewf. He calls himself BABY. As in, “Baby likes his soup.” ALL OF THE PUKING EVER IS HAPPENING IN MY BRAIN. [DRIIIIIIINK.]

Can we talk about this, guys? I know how close we’ve grown throughout these episodes, but let’s really break some shit down. The one “kink” that cannot be unlearned is the baby kink. Like, there’s no coming back from that stuff, people who have to be babies, or treat their partners like babies with the diapers and the ick? That is a damage that runs deep. Gah. Back to the weird.

Terri rubs Vapo-Rub on his back and starts kissing him. He says he doesn’t want to get her sick, what with the congestion and the sneezing and the germs, but she doesn’t care, jam that virus-coated slug of a tongue down her throat! All your staph are belonging to me, she cries with wanton abandon. Yep, they do the deed. [DRINK]

The next day in lunch where they’re being served foamed fish sticks (Sue wants all of their food to be predigested to increase their energy) Kurt tries to set up Mercedes with one of the five black kids in the school so she can have someone to hang with when he’s with Blaine. She’s not in love with the idea, even though she finds the guy attractive. All of this is thrown to the side when she sees her moment, stands on the table and holds aloft a sign: TOTS! a la Norma Rae.

(There’s a nerve wracking moment when Karofsky saunters past them saying, “’S up, homo?” in a totally menacing way.)

Rachel and Holly perform their up-beat, glamorous song: Chicago’s “Nowadays/Hot Honey Rag.” It’s… lackluster. I mean, they’re fine singers and Gwyneth is obviously a club dancer who learned stage dance for the show (watch her head) but the dancing was trimmed waaaaaay back so it comes off pretty flat. Also, how in the hell is this school pulling out these elaborate sets for the kids to sing songs just for funsies? (Fantasy, Laura, it’s a fantasy.)

Will comes back to school even though he’s still sick. Sue tells him he shouldn’t have bothered because Will no longer has a job. See, the PTO liked Sue’s stance on healthy food so much that they fired Figgins and installed her as official Principal. And her first official act is to rip his job from his sweaty, clammy hands. She does give him the suggestion of selling himself on Craigslist for Men seeking Men with butt chins. Oh, and let the door hit you on the way out.

Mercedes goes to dinner with Kurt and Blaine who talk about pink sparkles and models and zero body fat, and old episodes of Queer as Folk and Prop 8 and that bitch Tyler who totally barrel rolled into Blaine when he was blocking moves for a big Liza tribute show and let’s just talk about boat necks, are they coming back or what? She basically feels left out. At one point, though, Kurt has said Gay so many times that a little pink purse Beetlejuice’s out of his mouth. [DRINK] She gets the waitress to bring her some tots and continues to be ignored by the new buddies.

Will goes to the choir room to find Holly overseeing it painted a bright yellow color. They both argue that their method of teaching is better (Holly: these kids are going to be drop outs, let them screw around. Will: Und there vill be ORDER so they can achieve their dreams! Maybe.) Basically it boils down to the economy sucking and Holly needs any steady job she can get. Sorry, Charlie.

Things start to fall apart under Holly’s leadership. She and Mercedes are called into Sue’s office as Mercedes decided to jam tater tots into the tail pipe of her LeCar, causing $17,500 worth of damage (that’s more than the car’s worth!) So just what is Holly going to do about this? Uh…? Mercedes giggles until Sue lets her know that her lawyer, Gloria Alred, is going to sue her, her parents, her preacher, the people that built her house and God Himself.

Holly just worries that she’s going to end up in jail. Sue dismisses Mercedes in order to figure out this Ms. Holiday. Holly admits to having no idea what she’s doing. And Sue hates her beret. (It’s not a beret, actually, it’s a pageboy. Pedantic, I’m sorry.)

Holly goes to Will’s place to sob about how awful she is as a teacher. She tells him about her beginnings, how she was like Will. But one female student, Cameo (an attractive Biggie Smalls, or an angry Precious) didn’t like that Holly had “tricks” for learning math.

“Trick? What are you, a magician? I’m a Christian and that offends me!” [DRINK TWICE, that was hilarious.] She punched Ms. Holiday out, and ever since then Holly has been on the move like a featherweight in the ring. She’s going to resign and let Will take his class back.

Terri walks in, unannounced and makes an ass of herself assuming that Holly is Will’s new girlfriend. She refers to herself as Will’s “wife” and accuses Holly of being a porn star due to her name. “Wow, Will, your ex-wife’s a bitch!” Ha! Terri tries to assert her place in the house, but Will wants nothing to do with her. Yes, they fooled around the other day, but it was a mistake. He wants her to leave and not come back. She swears to him he’ll regret this. He’ll see, they’ll all see!

Karofsky lurks around Kurt at his locker and once again tries to accuse Kurt of kissing him. He wants to know if Kurt ran his mouth about…the incident. Of course Kurt didn’t, he hates Karofsky, but he doesn’t believe in outing people. Good. Because if Kurt does tell anyone else? Karofsky will kill him. He means it. As Karofsky leaves, Kurt is frozen in place, completely and utterly terrified.

Sue decides to reinstate Will in his position even though he makes the under flaps of her breasts burn. Like when she used to rub them with poison sumac. (Goodness! And [DRINK]) The kids all came in and begged her to bring him back, telling her how indispensable he is. Brittany says that he taught her the other half of the alphabet. When she got to M and N, she thought they were too similar and got frustrated. [DRINK!]

Will returns to a standing ovation from the class. He suggests that they work on “Singing in the Rain” as a number for Sectionals, and the kids groan. So much for the fun times they had. Will gets an idea and finds Holly, subbing in a history class. She’s dressed as Mary Todd Lincoln.

“Mary Todd Lincoln in the house! My husband was probably gay and I’m bipolar which makes me yell things like, ‘That teapot’s spreadin’ lies about me,’ or ‘That can’t be my baby because I don’t love it.’” [DRINK!]

He asks her for help with making the song more hip. “I thought you’d never ask.” They miraculously come up with a massive water tank/water feature set on their stage and do a mash-up (ugh) with Singing in the Rain and Rhianna’s “Umbrella” (ella, ella, eh, eh, eh!) while the kids all do back up vocals. [DRINK.]

I thought you were letting the kids work on things for Sectionals? No? Just a fun performance for you and Holly? Okay then. It does look cool, the dancing and such, so that’s a plus.

 

Drunken Thoughts: Damn. After she started getting hoity toity (well, she’d always been, but she’d kept most of her Blue Blood stuff on the down low) in the 2000s I didn’t think I could like her again. That horrid fitting pink dress! And she did not deserve that Oscar, I’m sorry, but Cate Blanchett did.

But. I really liked her here. It reminded me of when she was dating Ben Affleck and was partying and on Saturday Night Live cracking me up with her Sharon Stone impression. She’s a solid singer, she’s funny, and you can tell everyone liked working with her. I thought it was a fun show to watch and I laughed a lot. That’s all I need!

(And did you see her on Graham Norton busting out NWA? Damnit, that makes me like her more.)

[Click here to read the next episode, FURT!]

 

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  • Christy

    I cannot watch anything with her in it. I just….can’t. The drink sounds great, though!

  • Christy

    You know, it’s the same feeling I get for anything with Tom Cruise. Blinding, unreasonable hatred.

    • You know, I can’t help but continue to love Tom – I just always will, even though he’s kinda crazy. And I hear you on Gwyneth, but she was HILARIOUS in this, so, so funny. I kept wanting to hate her, and then she cracked me up again. I was doing the Seinfeld, “Gwyneth!” fist/face combo.

  • Vyola

    You know, I really don’t like Gwyneth. On-screen she usually leaves me cold. GOOP is a hilariously pretentious trainwreck. But put her on Glee and I am so there. Hermaphrodite Nazi Sympathizers for the win!

    • I loved her in the 90s, then she got… full of herself. But Holly Holiday?? FANTASTIC character, and hilariously acted by her. I WANT TO DISLIKE HER. And yet…

  • Sue

    At one point, though, Kurt has said Gay so many times that a little pink purse Beetlejuice’s out of his mouth. Ahahahaha you broke me. And $30 extra virgin olive oil is totally worth it!

    • If you’re not going to buy the best available, why bother? I mean, honestly! (LOL)

      And you know half of my jokes are for you, the other half are for CJ. Without you I’m nothing, Sue. NOTHING.

  • harmonyfb

    Gwyneth Paltrow is yet another example of why I never bother to learn ANYTHING about actors. “Shhhhh, sweetie, I don’t want to know about your political stance, I just want to enjoy your character.”

    Learned my lesson with Hugh Grant, I did. (Used to be one of my very favorite actors…now I can’t see his face without thinking of how he was too cheap to spring for the crappy no-tell mo-tel room with his cheap street prostitute. Oy.)

    • But Hugh Grant brought down the News of the World! ;)

  • Fabrisse

    re “Baby Will”: As a friend of mine once said, “whatever happens among informed consenting adults is fine with me, but some things are just icky.” I couldn’t believe they went there, and I still have a hard time rewatching it for that scene.

    • One of my close friends is a sex therapist. Yeah. The baby-kink stuff is… gah. I make LOUD NOISES and dart my eyes a lot when that scene is one. GROSSSSSSSS.