The remake’s poster could easily be the poster for, say, some parallel universe’s version of Hard Candy (an excellent film about a teenaged girl who traps a creep and wreaks seven kinds of violent hell upon his person/life) that switched out Ellen Page for Anton Yelchin.
AM I RIGHT?
This movie was fun, a great action flick for the tail end of summer before we head into Autumn with all its horror-dramas and pumpkins and school and whatnot. It was delightfully paced, well-acted, and just creepy enough to remind you that vampires were terrifying for a reason, once upon a time. There’s enough of the old Polidori/Stoker theme of “vampires are sex fiends who will suck the life out of you, MALE OR FEMALE” to make it sexy-scary, and enough of the terrifying gross mutant body-horror rape murder mindgames vampire stuff to make it scary-scary. The one Twilight joke was in the trailer, which was a relief.
Worth pointing out before we begin is that this movie plays pretty fair with the sexy content. For every scene of a woman being overtly sexual (maybe three in the whole movie), there are like ten of Colin Farrell slinking into a pool to seduce a dude, working sweatily and dirtily outside in an undershirt, lounging around with his pecs and abs all a-glow, etc. I’m equal-opportunity when it comes to onscreen perving, but it’s always really nice when a movie realizes that women see films sometimes, and is willing to capitalize on that.
It was a dark and stormy night in a little subdivision in the middle of the Nevada desert, the Strip twinkling in the distance. There’s a voiceover from a commercial on television, advertising Peter Vincent’s Fright Night show in Vegas. It’s like if Criss Angel was British and charismatic and had a theme to his shows besides “Criss Angel applies eyeliner and FREAKS YOUR MIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIND sorta.” I’m a better illusionist than Criss Angel, and I’ve swallowed about three dollars in spare change trying to do magic tricks. Peter Vincent is one of the rare parodies that would actually be cooler than the thing they’re parodying, is what I’m saying. I’d see his show.
You know who’s not going to see his show? The family getting slaughtered mercilessly all over this house. The cute dog watches as a teenager is thrown into the hallway from a room where his sister is being eaten by some unseen creature. The dog runs away, because dogs are smart. The kid goes into his parents’ room, where his mom is dead on the bed and his dad is dead on the floor. The kid gets the gun out of the mattress, then unlocks it with keys he pulls off of his father’s corpse. As he fiddles with the lock, his dad’s body slides slowly out of frame. The kid finally notices it’s gone, but it’s too late. He is murdered hard.
Same subdivision, daytime. Neil Sedaka‘s “Bad, Bad Blood“ plays awesomely over the scene. The subdivision’s a lot less disturbing now. Well, no, it isn’t–it’s an eyesore in the middle of a beautiful desert, and everything is all squared off and all the houses are identical and tucked in together. Children play and neighbors talk to each other and many of the yards are bright green. THE HORROR!
In comes Anton Yelchin as Charley Brewster, threatening his dirt bike until he pulls it toward his driveway, but is stopped in his tracks by a cute young neighbor moving her garbage cans. She calls him Char-Char and he‘s a little googly-eyed at her.
Toni Collette plays Charley’s mother, Jane. She’s a real estate agent, and she’s piling some not-at-all foreshadowy yard-sign stakes into the back of her SUV, keeping an eye on her son as her son keeps an eye on cute neighbor Doris’s beworded behind. When Jane tells him to quit ogling the neighbors, Charley posits that Doris would not have put a word on her ass if she did not want it read. I never understood this argument, because I’m like 90% sure that most people don’t read every single word that hoves into their field of vision, unless it is on the ass of a dancer or something.
Jane complains about the giant Dumpster in the next-door-neighbor’s driveway, because it‘s ugly as balls and she‘s worried that all the remaining neighbors will move away because it is so very ugly. Her suspicions get sidetracked when she has to note that Charley’s been edgy lately, and deduces that it’s about his hot new girlfriend. He’s not used to getting what he wants, and Jane says “Getting what you want is stressful. Especially when you’re not used to it. More to lose.”
Charley asks if she’s been reading self-help books again, and tells her they’re not working. Jane’s attention is caught by the Dumpster once again. It haunts the dark corners of her mind like her own shadow. She wonders why it’s full of concrete, because “He’s not building a pool,” and there is literally no other reason on the planet for a Dumpster to be full of concrete. Charley asks if she’s resorted to spying on the neighbor now. YOU DON’T KNOW WHAT THIS FEELS LIKE, CHARLEY, THIS CREEPING DUMPSTER OBSESSION IS NO LAUGHING MATTER!!!!!! She tells him it’s not spying because the house is thirteen feet away. It’s just observing in a spyish manner.
Suddenly, a cute green VW Beetle full of three girls rocks up and beckons to Charley. Inside is his hot new girlfriend Amy, played by Imogen Poots (whose full name is Imogen Gay Poots, which makes her the owner of my favorite name in the universe. She didn’t adopt a stage name, so I want to go out for drinks and hear all her thoughts on the WHOLE UNIVERSE because she’s the coolest). Normally it’s like, ugh, beta male has a girlfriend who is acknowledged in-script as out of his league, in a monster movie? She’s going to spend 80 minutes screaming until she dies, and only then will she become important–as the fridging that turns the beta male into an alpha man. Au contraires, mon freres. Something terrible does happen to her, but before that, she kicks ass. The fridging that knocks Charley into his hero’s journey is that of his male ex-BFF, “Evil” Ed (Christopher Mintz-Plasse), the nerd who was left behind when Charley’s skin cleared up and he got cool. Jane reminds Charley as he walks to the car that he should probably break it off with Ed officially, because Ed’s been calling and she’s got shit to do. That Dumpster isn’t going to watch itself.
Charley is noncommittal about the Ed subject. Amy asks if he still can’t get his bike started, and he oh ye of little faiths her, so she does the cute/annoying “drive off and stop intermittently while the other person tries to catch up” thing until he actually catches up and they drive off for coffee and then school. What is it, two p.m.? The timing seems off here, but this movie is so remarkably paced that I can‘t really complain.
When they get to the school, Charley is razzed by two “cool” guy friends, one of whom is Dave Franco (of James Franco fame), and it is established that his shoes are puce. It’s also established that Amy is cool, but not “cool” like these two “cool” guys. She’s a neat girl who runs track and imitates Charley’s worried faces. He’s got some lingering nerd-rage that manifests itself as insecurity about her, even though she’s clearly into him. Boys and girls! There are no such thing as leagues, and the person you are dating is not out of yours. Leagues are for sports to keep people in the appropriate skill or age level. Okay, I guess the only point at which leagues are applicable in a dating scenario is the age thing. Don’t date a little leaguer if you’re MLB! That’s wildly inappropriate.
In class, Charley fails to notice that several students are absent. Ed notices, though, because one of the missing is the former third musketeer from when they were all buddies. Ed comes up to Charley after class to talk to him about it, but the jerks, who are named Ben and Mark, are basically the worst. Ed’s also the worst because he says “Don’t you have some sluts to go fuck?” to Dave Franco. This bitter misogyny will be a running theme through most of Ed’s interactions with Charley, and I don’t know if we’re meant to read him as super in love with Charley or what but I totally did.
Ed lays it all out for Charley: people are disappearing, and if Charley doesn’t come with him to
snoop around Adam’s house observe Adam’s house in a spyish manner, Ed’s going to tell everyone about some hilarious shit like “the Lego contests, the Farscape conventions, the costumes…or how about that time you took my Stretch Armstrong so you could tie it around your balls and jerk off for an hour?” It’s hard to come down on anyone’s side in this argument–Charley’s a dick for abandoning his best friend once cooler pastures became available, but at the same time, you can see why he did it. Being friends with Ed is probably like being trapped in an elevator with a neckbeard who wants to put you in a costume and dry hump you all the time but won‘t just come out and tell you so, which is SO AWKWARD.
Charley agrees to meet Ed at Adam’s after school, then says “I’d really like Stretch back, by the way,” as Charley walks off.
Later that afternoon (what is it now, 7:00 p.m.?), Amy drives Charley back to his house, and they flirt for a little while, until they notice that Jane is observing the next door neighbor in a flirtish manner. Which is completely justified, because he’s in a white undershirt doing yard work in the desert, and he looks like Colin Farrell. He’s Jerry Dandridge and Amy is totally transfixed by him. She is a woman after my own heart. Actually, here are the faces all three of them make at him throughout most of the conversation:
Oh come on, like you wouldn’t.
Jerry is too attentive, wiggling his eyebrows as he sizes up Amy, and then Charley when Charley realizes that he’s hot and also that Amy might have realized it, too. Jerry takes note of Charley’s shoes and asks if he plays basketball. Charley’s like “I AM MICHAEL JORDAN” but really he is…some crappy basketball player. I don’t know. My sport is eating burritos and watching fútbol on Univision.
Point is, Charley gets completely cockblocked by both Amy and Jane, who out him as a shoe collector while he tries futilely to maintain his basketballeriness. Jerry tells him (sincerely) that it takes a real man to wear puce and also that he likes the shoes, and Charley’s like a second from making out with Jerry until he looks over at Amy and sees that she’s also a second from making out with Jerry.
Jerry tells them that he’d invite them inside, but it’s a mess. Then there’s an awkward amount of time where he looks like an enormous creep, but in a sexy way? Colin Farrell seems to be playing Jerry as an apex predator in a hot man’s body, which is leading to a lot of confusing feelings.
SHIT, WAIT, I FINALLY UNDERSTAND BELLA SWAN ON A DEEP PSYCHOLOGICAL LEVEL!!!!!!
Jerry goes back inside, and Amy immediately asks why Jane blew him off. Jane guesses that a man that hot could only still be single if he’s a player, and she wants no part of it. Charley receives a text from Ed asking where he is, and if he doesn’t get to Adam’s in ten minutes, Ed’s going to put a humiliating video on Youtube. Charley drops his backpack and runs.
Jerry stalks attractively around his house and eats an apple, which is essentially the one thing I remember from the original film. Also, here’s an interview in which Chris Sarandon explains the fruit thing. It’s cracked-out and amazing.
Nobody’s home at Adam’s house, so Ed crawls in through the doggie door to let Charley in behind him. Ed has a duffel bag full of stakes and mallets and crosses, and Ed tells Charley rather nonchalantly that Jerry is a vampire. Charley feels that Jerry is a stupid name for a vampire, which is hilarious in a movie full of the blandest names of all time–Charley, Ed, Jane, Amy, Mark, Ben, Jerry, etc. It sounds like a math problem in a textbook. Charley has ten red apples. Amy has six green apples. How many apples will Jerry eat before sucking the lifeblood from both of them? Show your work.
They wander around the dark, empty house, searching for Adam. At one point, Ed attacks a cardboard cutout. Ed explains that he and Adam have been graphing out the disappearances, and they’ve been watching Jerry since they realized that they radiated out from his house. Ed has been studying up on Peter Vincent’s vampire hunting methodology. In all their searching, they don’t find anything except for some emotional catharsis in the form of increasingly heated snark turned into a physical confrontation when Ed starts talking shit about Amy. Charley tells Ed that his life got better once Ed wasn’t in it anymore.
Ed skateboards down the street, sniffling a little and muttering about how Charley’s a fucking asshole. He suddenly gets knocked off of his skateboard by Ben. They trade insults (“You were trailing nerd juice all the way down my street.” “Oh, looks like I got a little on your face.”) until Ben throws a punch and misses, allowing Ed to escape over a fence without his bag of vampire murderin’ implements.
Ed runs until he smashes into Jerry, who is in full Stranger Danger mode and slinking around after Ed, taking his time as he follows him through the house Ed tries to escape in, which turns out to be abandoned and thus Jerry can cross the threshold. He leans against a counter and says “You’ve been watching me, so I’ve been watching you. Seems fair.” There is not a way to textually render how skin-crawlingly (attractively???? WHAT IS THIS FEELING???) creepy Colin Farrell is delivering his lines, nor is there a way to textually render the glee with which he is doing so. He whistles his way up the stairs after Ed, scenting the air and everything. Ed climbs through the window and onto the roof, dropping off of it and injuring his ankle.
“That looked like it hurt.” Jerry says from a pool chair, scaring Ed into the pool. Jerry slinks into the water after him, going on about how Ed is different from everyone and special and all that other crazy vampire seduction stuff, telling Ed that he was “born for [vampirism]” and that it’s a gift. Ed shuts his eyes and accepts that Jerry’s about to go full Lestat on his ass, and Jerry does, chomping down on Ed’s neck and dipping them both under the water. Ed’s crucifix drops out of his hand. WOMP WOMP.
The next morning, Jane watches as a truck hauls the Dumpster away, and marvels that Jerry is good on his word. Charley watches the video that Ed was threatening him with, basically him, Ed, and Adam wearing doofy costumes and having a battle to the poorly-acted death scene. Charley smiles fondly, but is summoned out of his reminiscence by Amy calling him from the driveway.
At school, Charley doodles vampires all over his notes, only looking up when Ed doesn’t answer during attendance. In the next scene, he’s at Ed’s house. HE WAS IN SCHOOL FOR 45 SECONDS! Ed’s parents (one of whom is Lisa Loeb) are welcoming and let him go upstairs, where Charley finds out the extent of Ed’s obsession with Jerry. It doesn’t really sink in until he watches videos of Jerry…not showing up on video.
Charley goes home. Jerry is also at Charley’s home, just hanging all over his fence because Other Hot Neighbor, Doris, is coming over for a beer but he is all out of beer and could Charley give him some beer? He offers to buy a sixer for Jane and one for Charley if he’s a bro about this, and Charley, rattled, says he will. Jerry sniffs the air after he goes, and follows him to the kitchen doorway.
Charley is careful about not inviting him in. So careful, in fact, that it’s glaringly obvious he knows something. Jerry stares at him, only trying to get Charley to ask him in when Charley drops a beer. Everything’s tense and scary until Charley hands the beer off. Then it gets super weird, with Jerry’s eyes skittering all over the place as he tells Charley, in the ickiest way possible, that his mom and girlfriend are fine and he had better take care of them. It’s like when your weird uncle tries to talk to you about dating.
Charley’s like, “Gross, but thanks,” and Jerry retreats into the night. Charley retreats to his bedroom, where Amy is reading on his bed and in the mood to bone. Charley is distracted, and Amy eventually gets fed up and leaves Charley to spy on Jerry and Doris all night. He calls the cops, but Jerry charms them until they leave. Jerry leaves soon after. Charley sneaks into Jerry’s house, looking up how to pick a lock on his smartphone, then eventually deciding that there must be a key in one of those SkyMall fake rocks. And there is! I love it when evil people are secretly losers who keep their keys in fake rocks or other goofy shit like that.
Charley wanders through Jerry’s dark house, taking pictures of weird altars and whispering Doris’s name. Dude, you know Jerry’s gone, just yell for her. Unfortunately, he hears the garage door open and Jerry comes back, so he hides in a closet. There’s a secret door that he accidentally leans on, and that leads into a short hallway with rooms, three of which are empty. One is full of Doris! He promises to help her, but Jerry comes into the hallway for a snack before Charley can get the door open. He hides in one of the empty rooms, but can see the whole thing. Doris, while being snapped into like a Slim Jim, manages to press her fingers to her lips to tell Charley to keep quiet.
Jerry tosses her back into the room and locks the door. He senses Charley before he leaves the hallway, but The Real Houswives of New Jersey is on, and he’s got Teresa Giudice’s Itty Bitty Titty Committee drama to get all invested in. While he’s absorbed in that riveting tale of desire and human triumph, Charley frees Doris and they spend several long, agonizing minutes trying to quietly leave the house, during which time Jerry basically follows them every step of the way. He lets them get out the front door, (and it’s daytime??? WHAT????) and there’s a moment where you think everything’s going to be okay. Then there’s a moment where Doris explodes into fire and blood! Aw dang.
Charley is traumatized, staring straight ahead in his room when Jane comes to tell him he’ll be late for school. Since his school day is only about four minutes long on a full day, he decides he’s going to visit Peter Vincent, but not before giving his mother a bunch of cryptic warnings about Jerry and using his four minutes to write down vampire facts in the library. Amy shows up and (rightfully) gives him shit for being weird, only to end up leaving irritated.
Charley makes himself a press pass and gets backstage to meet Peter Vincent (David Tennant!) during a dress rehearsal. Everything is stage fog and hot women vampiring on each other, until something malfunctions and it all goes to shit. The main woman, Ginger (played by Sandra Vergara, Sofia Vergara’s sister who is also beautiful and also possessed of that amazing Colombian accent), yells about how he “almost nearly burned off my extensions last time!” as Peter stomps away in a huff.
Charley manages to get ten minutes with him in his penthouse full of displayed weapons, and doesn’t take long to blow it completely. He starts out under the pretense of writing a newspaper article about vampire mythology, but after a few minutes of watching Peter swan about in his penthouse, drinking Midori and peeling off both clothes and facial hair as he argues with Ginger (during which she gives my favorite line delivery of the film on the word “Asswipe!”), he decides to just go for it and tell Peter that there’s a vampire, for realsies.
Peter kicks him out for being crazy, predictably, and Charley goes home. He watches the sun go down behind the buildings as he wearily rides the elevator.
Ben and Mark smoke pot in a car outside Charley’s house for an undetermined reason. They watch him hanging up garlic bulbs and crosses, wondering aloud to each other about WTF he could be doing. A gross fingernail taps on the window. It belongs to Jerry, and now so do most of Mark and Ben’s carotid arteries!
Charley whittles a stake and lies to Jane that all the garlic and crosses are a joke he’s going to play on Amy. Amy shows up and blows that lie, and then tells him that he has to tell her why he’s acting so weird, because she really does like him. He softens for a minute, but Jerry knocks on the door and he freaks out.
Jerry tells Jane through the door that Charley’s been harassing him and he’s going to call the cops. Jane, seeing something in Charley’s face that makes her trust him, tells him to call the po-po. SHIT THEN GETS EXTREMELY REAL: Jerry digs up the gas line in the backyard and yanks it out of the range in the house, then sends a jet of fire in through the line to explode everything like a thousand times.
He tells them that he doesn’t need an invitation if there’s no house, and that’s their cue to run to the car and GTFO, just a second before the garage explodes. Jerry tries to chase them on Charley’s dirt bike, but the front wheel is bent. So he throws it. Turning a frown upside-down! The bike nearly takes Amy’s head off. Following the bike is Jerry’s truck, which he rear-ends them with and then uses as a roadblock. He gets out of the truck and is promptly run down, but because these characters have never seen a horror movie, they don’t expect it when Jerry’s hand shoots up through the floorboards.
Charley: “Oh, no, that’s a fucked-up vampire hand! Now do you believe me?”
Second favorite line reading of the film.
Jerry’s fucked-up vampire hand slams on the brakes, which causes Chris Sarandon (the original Jerry) in a cameo to rear-end them once again. He gets out of the car even though they’re yelling for him to get back into it. DOESN’T HE KNOW THERE’S A FUCKED-UP VAMPIRE HAND???? Jerry pops out from under Jane’s SUV like, “Hey y’all, my face is gross and scary and my teeth are janky as fuck and you’re going to have nightmares now and forever. LOL.”
He then eats Chris Sarandon.
Charley gets out of the car, orders his mom and Amy away (Jerry, waving cutely: “I‘ll catch you later!”), and, with a cross, tries to compel Jerry with the power of Christ the Lord. It…sort of works? The cross catches fire a little bit when Jerry grabs it and tosses it aside. Otherwise, Jerry’s totally about to stake the shit out of Charley.
Instead, Jane stakes the shit out of Jerry, with one of her Century 21 signs. He runs off, making animal noises and doing capoeira breakdance movies in pain. Jane then passes out from a head injury, and Charley and Amy rush her to the hospital (making sure to run Jerry over on the way out).
Ginger and Peter argue about how he was “early again in the bedroom,” and she goes off to rub one out, I guess. Peter looks at Charley’s photograph of the weird altar in Jerry’s house, then realizes he probably should have listened when he recognizes it.
Hospital. Amy assures her mother over the phone that she’s not at a party. Charley tells her about his guilt with regards to not believing Ed, then she and Charley have a Working Out the Relationship talk. The gist of it is: do not doubt that your hot girlfriend likes you. That makes you a tool who doesn’t deserve a hot girlfriend who likes you. THE END. They head off to Peter’s penthouse when he calls Charley.
Peter: “That insignia you showed me. It’s a species that originated in the Mediterranean. They nest in the earth, and they kill slowly. They keep their victims alive for several days. Snackers.”
He doesn’t think there’s anything they can do without an army. The phone rings, and it’s a courier. BUT COURIERS DON’T COME THIS LATE AT NIGHT! Surprise, it’s Evil Ed, and he’s been invited in. He has also killed Ginger. Farewell, Ginger, I loved you briefly.
Peter makes like he’s going to stake Ed with a crucifixion nail, but ends up running to his panic room instead. The door slices off Ed’s arm as it closes, but he seems less perturbed than bemused by his missing limb. He decides to go after Charley and Amy, telling Charley that if Charley hadn’t turned out to be such a dick, he would have turned him, and they could have
lived happily ever after? “rocked this evil shit together.” Which is how I hope someone proposes to me someday.
Ed shows that creepiness is a general vampire thing as he stalks through the displays of weapons, telling Charley that he can hear, feel, and taste him. “You’re so–ah, fuck.” he says as Charley and Amy push a huge shelf down on him and run away. He gets up and taunts Charley some more, so Charley tells Amy to run and fights Ed with a double-edged axe. He manages to sink it into Ed’s neck.
Amy breaks a case and loads the gun that’s inside it, and wastes no time shooting Jerry when he comes up behind her. The bullets are silver. “Werewolves.” Jerry says, and advances on her again. She grabs a goblet full of holy water and says “Vampires” before tossing it into his face. He sizzles and she runs back to help Charley.
Peter notices Ginger’s body on the CCTV screen and gets upset.
Ed mocks Charley for not cutting through the bone, and puts his head back on straight. He takes Charley to the floor and pins him. “Is this weird for you? ‘Cause I’m feeling pretty homo right now.” Ed says before trying to bite Charley. He can’t quite reach because his stump isn’t offering very good leverage, but that doesn’t really matter because Amy caves in his skull with a motherfucking morningstar.
“Bimbo’s got some juice.” Ed grunts, looking all kinds of fucked up. Amy tells Charley to stake him, but he only does it at the last minute. Ed says “It’s okay, Charley.” as he dies, and, disturbingly, his vampire-face changes into his human-face just as it crumbles away. Charley doesn’t have time to mourn–Amy found the stairs and has to drag him toward them.
They walk through a kitchen and a crowded club, and they get separated by the throng of people. Jerry grabs Amy and pulls her to the edge of the crowd, creeping on her something fierce, and rubs some of his own blood on his lips before kissing her, I guess to hypnotize her into letting him bite? I don’t know, it’s scary. Charley tries to get a security guy to go over and help, but it looks like she’s enjoying it so he doesn’t bother, instead kicking Charley out for not having ID.
Charley goes back to Peter, who’s packing and getting ready to skip town. Charley tells him he has to go with him, but he’s pretty against that idea, considering his parents were killed by a vampire. He gives Charley the advice to hide, and, failing that, “Torch him. A vampire on fire is not thinking clearly.” Charley asks how he’s supposed to get close enough to stake him if he’s on fire, but Peter’s just like “Fuck.”
Charley watches the sun come up, then buys a bunch of weapons and cool stuff from a shop and heads over to Jerry’s house. His first order of business is to bust out all the windows so sunlight can get in. He goes into the hallway and finds Amy in a room, but she’s pulled through a trapdoor. Charley, looking for a way down, runs into Peter. He seriously must have left like fifteen minutes after Charley did. Quick epiphanies are the best! He gives Charley a special stake that will turn all of the vampire’s victims back into humans once the main vampire is dead.
They find a way into the space beneath the house, which is suspiciously huge and walled with dirt. They start looking around, until Jerry pops down from the ceiling and tosses Peter into another room, leaving Charley locked in with a newly vampirinated Amy! Also, her sweater and leggings are gone, ew.
Jerry stalks Peter around, taunting him creepily: “You’re all grown up. You have your mother’s eyes. And your father’s aim.” Peter stumbles and Jerry tosses a pebble at his forehead, just hard enough to draw blood. Peter’s incredulous, until blood drips onto the dirt and Jerry points at the dirt walls. The walls begin shifting and fingers and arms start poking out of them. HAUGHAGHGHAHDGDSGH GROSS. It’s suitably distressing, like watching bugs moving en masse from somewhere where you thought there were no bugs. Jerry watches proudly as his vampire children attack Peter. It’s worth noting that Jerry’s shirt is totally open.
Amy tosses Charley down after taunting him with his inability to save her. Her mouth gets all gross and she makes horrible creepy faces with her new teeth, but Charley stakes her just off the fatal point. She tells him he missed. He tells her he knows, and runs in to save Peter by shooting holes in the ceiling to let the light in.
Jerry lounges around with his pecs all a-glow, telling Charley that his fear smells delightful and other such vampire bullshit. Amy twirls in and they make out. Peter, smoking because he’s begun to turn, says “That’s rough.” as he lights a cigarette. Jerry cuts his chest open and Amy starts to drink the blood that flows out. EW. VAMPIRES ARE ICKY.
“Got a light?” Charley asks, pulling a mask and goggles over his face. Peter puts the plan together quickly, and lights him up obligingly. Charley jumps forward, legs on fire, and hooks himself to Jerry by the belt buckle. Jerry’s face changes immediately, and he snaps and snarls as they jump around the room, totally on fire.
Peter shoots more holes in the ceiling, weakening Jerry. He yells for Charley to jam the stake into Jerry’s exposed heart before Jerry dies from the sunlight, and Charley succeeds. Jerry explodes magnificently, taking all the vampirey parts of his vampire babies with him.
Everyone wakes up slowly, except Peter, who tries to wake Charley up. He opens his eyes eventually, and asks if Amy’s okay. They’re both all right! Peter kisses him on the face and calls him a little shit, and everybody smiles in relief.
Peter’s suite. Charley and Amy are getting ready to do it, but Jane calls and interrupts for about a second before Charley can ditch her. Peter then busts in, saying “If you’re naked, I am absolutely going to look.” HA. He leaves, too, and finally they’re alone.