Some preposterous situations (can schools even have kissing booths in this day and age?) and some that are so real, you’ll be right back to that time you sat sobbing in your closet with your best friend on the phone wondering why he’s dating her. Ah, young love. Today’s cocktail is in honor of Lonely Hearts everywhere, Heart Attack. (Not to be confused with the Gap Attack, but you’ll definitely want one after that.)
Today’s free space is to drink when Finn’s Kissing Booth is mentioned or shown.
Puck is mad at himself for having stupid feelings for a stupid girl that he’s watching eat some stupid chocolates that he stupidly bought for her. But then, there are two things he knows: you can’t mate a pig with an elephant and you can’t choose who you love. And he thinks he loves Lauren. Turns out that the promised Seven Minutes in Heaven were more like an eternity in limbo for one Lauren Zises – she was not DTF.
I’m sorry, but I refuse to believe that Noah Puckerman is not outstanding with his lip meat. I REFUSE. He seconds my disbelief when she stops him mid smooch in the flashback to the closet make out and says he’s not really good at this. Puck rears back. “You’ve got to be kidding me.” She assures him that he really isn’t turning her on, and I would like to punch her in the face. I’m sorry, but PUCKERMAN IS DELICIOUS. Or maybe I just need to find out for myself?
Finn, who has pulled out the finger guns, is marveling at how all the girls in the school are totally into him right now because of leading the team to a championship win. However, the only girl he’s interested in is Quinn. That lip lock of theirs short circuited his brain causing him to forget that she boned his best friend and tried to convince him that he was the baby daddy. Now all he can think about is how to be a shit like Puck was to him and rip her from Sam’s hands.
Blaine and Kurt, having coffee at the Lima Bean, are confronted with Valentine paraphernalia everywhere they turn. Kurt is disgusted by all the twee garbage, but Blaine finds it charming. It’s actually his favorite holiday. He wants Kurt’s opinion on something: would it be dorky to sing a song to someone for Valentine’s? Say, a special someone that he’s maybe developing serious feelings for, aside from only knowing this special fellow for a short period of time?
Kurt, looking stunning – and really, he has gone through a major growth spurt this season and has become gor-geous – tries to control his facial features. I mean, who else could Blaine be talking about? Then Blaine goes and orders Kurt’s usual and tells the cashier to throw in a Cupid cookie, as maybe Kurt will share it with him? And then pays, almost offended when Kurt offers to chip in. Trying to hold in a shriek of joy, Kurt takes an extra napkin and steadies his face. Maybe Kurt doesn’t hate Valentine’s anymore.
Will writes on the white board: LOVE. He says to the class, “I’m thinking of a word.” Brittany raises her hand and calls out, “Is it love? Yay! I’m totally going to graduate!” [DRINK] Will wants everyone to pick a partner and sing to them what they feel is the greatest love song ever. Mercedes is already over this, eye roll.
Finn takes a moment to address the plebes of the class, saying how he’s pretty much the most awesome person in Glee now, practically a celebrity, and as a celebrity, realizes that he needs to give back to the common man. He’s going to host a kissing booth and raise money to help pay for Nationals. [DRINK] Mercedes calls him out, he just wants to kiss a bunch of girls, please. Santana laughs and says that she’s been there, he’s not worth a dollar. Now, $100 to jiggle his man boobs…
Everyone rounds on Santana for always being mean. Some examples, and drink when they’re unfair:
- Mr. Schuester needs a 12-Step program for his addiction to vests.
- Rachel is destined to play the starring role in the Broadway musical version of Willow
- Quinn shockingly didn’t have a lizard baby
- Lauren needs to watch out for poachers on the hunt for an endangered white rhino [DRINK- she doesn’t have a big schnozz]
Whatever, she says, they love her, she keeps it real and is hilarious. Lauren tells her, “Actually, you’re just a bitch.” OooooOOooooh. They spar verbally until Rachel ends up with the diss of the night: “The only job you’re gonna have is working on a pole!” Daaaaamn! Also, raise your hand if you’d pay to see that?
Santana leaves in a huff. We cut to the lockers where Brittany is trying to soothe her: “Maybe try rocking back and forth, people do that in movies?”
Santana, sobbing, “I just try to be really really honest with people when I think that they suck! You know?”
Santana? I love you.
Puck asks Lauren to go to Breadstix with him on Valentine’s Day. He likes that she’s all kinds of tough. She smirks at him and says he’s gonna need to try harder to woo her. Ms. Zises don’t play and she needs an around the way boy. She walks off, leaving his jaw hanging. Daaaamn.
Blaine finds Kurt in one of the common rooms and asks him to come to an emergency Warblers meeting that he’s called. Kurt is all a’flutter, thinking it’s about Blaine wanting to sing a romantic ballad to him, where Blaine will express his overwhelming love for Kurt. Blaine tells the group that he’s in love (Kurt is about to burst at the seams.) He asks the group to help him serenade this “guy” off-campus.
RIOT: ENSUE. This is unprecedented! The Warblers haven’t performed off campus since that disaster in 1927 when the Spirit of St. Louis overshot the tarmac and plowed through seven Warblers during an impromptu rendition of ‘Welcome to Ohio, Lucky Lindy.” One of the chairmen rounds on Blaine, completely affronted: “YOU MOCK US, SIR.” Ahaha.
Kurt “if I may’s?” the group and tells them that he feels their inability to loosen up for these informal type of performances is a weakness. New Directions performed in hostile situations all the time and it only served as a way to improve their skills. He personally has had a cat thrown at him, increasing his ability to better read an audience. Also, don’t you boys ruin this romantic moment in Kurt’s life or he will swap out your shampoo with Nair!
Blaine thanks him (but of course, mon chéri!) and proceeds to tell the Warblers that they’ll be singing at the mall’s GAP store. “Why the Gap?” Kurt asks, amused.
“Because the guy I like works there as a junior manager.”
Cut to Rachel and Mercedes having an emergency ‘boys suck’ slumber party for Kurt. They ask him if Blaine ever said they were dating. “Well, we smile at each other all the time?” KURT I BELIEVE YOU. I saw how he was super flirtatious with you. Rachel takes over the conversation and says that she is going to dominate this kissing booth of Finn’s [DRINK] and make him remember why they were together in the first place.
Mercedes shoves her back and tells her boo Kurt that he needs to take his skinny butt to the GAP and scope out this “junior manager” and see what his competition is. Then she tells Rachel and Kurt that they need to stop defining themselves by what man is into them and get with the Diva Program: all about yourself. Too bad Artie wasn’t there, he could have snapped and head-rolled a “Preach!”
I would like to point out how lulzy Kurt’s monogrammed slippers are. They really want Kurt to be Thurston Howell’s gay son, don’t they?
The guys of Glee, led by Puck, sing a rockin’ version of Queen’s, “Fat Bottomed Girls” in class [DRINK] with Puck dedicating it to Lauren. You know, because she’s fat. While they sound great, and it’s hilarious to see Santana constantly dissed (and not believing what she’s seeing), good god, that’s hurtful. And it’s not made any better by Puck telling Lauren that he’s singing it not just because she’s fat, but because he’s into that. (Chubby chasers? Come on, Ryan Murphy) Fortunately Lauren tells him, “That was the first time anyone sang me a love song. And it made me feel like crap.”
Finn is at the kissing booth [DRINK] when he sees Quinn. He flips the sign to “OUT” and hopes for a little Quinn lovin’. She tells him that she knows why he’s doing this, and it’s not going to happen again. Her mouth says no, but her body language and eyes say yes. And Sam, standing at the other end of the hallway, sees it all, including Finn’s smug satisfaction.
Sam later questions Quinn on why she didn’t kiss Finn. Uh… He thinks that if she didn’t have feelings for him, she’d do it to raise money. Okay, illogic, I mean, he’s right, but why would a 16 year old dude come to that conclusion? He makes her promise to go kiss Finn to prove she doesn’t want to kiss Finn. Alrighty, then.
It’s Rachel’s turn at the kissing booth [DRINK] and she tells him she’s only there out of support, not to get loving, tender man kisses from him, kisses that might reignite their passion, and maybe this time he could get more than a little side boob from some passionate kisses where he whispers her name after saying “And the Tony goes to.” She’s, um, not there for that. He takes her dollar and gives her a peck on the cheek. She flips out. HOW DARE YOU, SIR.
Ha, see? He knew she was still in love with him. (Wow, Finn, this is your show to be a cocky jerk, huh?) But hey, no hard feelings. He has a left over gift from Christmas that he wants to give to her, a golden star. And then he’s super nice and lovely for a change this episode:
“Let’s face it, Rachel. You’re better than anyone in this school. You don’t need me or any other guy to anchor you to Lima. You’re a real star. And you need to shine. Just because I can’t be with you, it doesn’t mean I don’t believe in you.”
That’s…really lovely, dude.
Artie and Mike realize that they have the two best girls in the whole school and have relatively drama-free relationships. They celebrate that fact by Artie proving why he should have more solos: he sings P.Y.T. by Michael Jackson, and I can’t help it, I have to sing along to the whole thing with him. I say, na nana na. He’s awesome, Mike does some sweet moves (minus Herp-Derp face!) and they finish the song in Glee Club in front of everyone. Brittany sits in Artie’s lap, hugs him, and brags, “That’s my man and his legs don’t work!” [DRINK]
Tina foreshadows an event by telling Mike that she’s so in love, she just might start crying. Uh oh.
Santana tries to bully Puck back into being her boyfriend, which fails miserably. Lauren and she get into a fight, with Santana posturing like she can actually throw down. (Also, writers, which is it? Is she from “Lima Heights” on the wrong side of the tracks, or is her dad a doctor, like she told Carl?) Lauren flings Santana from wall to wall, like she’s a rag doll. Beiste comes in just as Santana is skidding on the floor towards her. Beiste tells Lauren to shove off. Santana struggles to stand and yells, “That’s how we do it in Lima Heights!” Ahaha. [DRINK.]
Quinn heads back to Finn’s kissing booth [The Kisser is IN – DRINK] and under the watchful gaze of Sam, gives what appears to be a chaste kiss. Except for how they both see fireworks. Uh oh. She asks Sam if he’s satisfied, Sam is, they walk off. Oops, Quinn forgot her purse, so she races back and whispers to Finn, “Meet me in the auditorium tomorrow.”
Woman, will you never learn?
Speaking of dumb mistakes in the love department, the Warblers show up at the GAP for the “Gap Attack,” where they sing “When I Get You Alone” by Robin Thicke. Now, I adore this song. Love love love it. It just cracks me up that it’s by Robin Thicke, of Alan Thicke’s loins, and that Robin has written songs for freaking Jay-Z. I just assumed that Mr. Seaver would only make Left Behind evolution deniers, not soulful singers, but what do I know?
I adore Blaine Anderson, that much should be obvious by now. But laws, he’s super stalkery in this performance. Well, Kurt was, too, back in the day, so they really are a great fit for one another. And Surfer McWarbler with his peroxide bangs and shades standing off to the side like a bird is hilarious. And Jeremiah has terrible hair. Kurt? You totally win in the hair department, let’s just be honest.
When Blaine sings the line “I want you so bad,” Kurt leans against a rack of coats and looks super depressed and sad; he can’t even bother to pretend to want to sing. I did find it strange that Blaine kept the feminine pronoun in the song, though. Not all gay men want to be called “she,” m’kay?
Blaine and Kurt wait outside on a bench, Blaine nervously asking if it was “too much.” Kurt wisely says nothing. Jeremiah comes out, upset. He’s been fired. Also, no one at work knows he is gay.
“Can I be honest? With that hair, I think they do.” [Kurt Hummel, you are my one true love.]
Jeremiah reminds Blaine that going for coffee a few times doesn’t constitute dating (in your face, Kurt) also, if they had been dating, Jeremiah would be in jail because Blaine is underage. Ouch. Well, Blaine feels stupid. Kurt wants him to join the club where he can not only be a member, but a client.
Santana pouts in the music room, mad at Puck for not wanting her, and decides that she’ll hook up with a Kobe Bryant-type – sports stars are totally reliable. And she notices the gassy baby look on Finn and the queen bitch smirk on Quinn and puts two and two together. Hmm. She pulls a candy striper outfit from who knows where and heads to the nurse’s office.
You know what? This doesn’t need to make sense, you just need to know how to hit pause on your remote. My husband dropped papers from his hand when I said, “Look at this.” It’s too much, Naya! YOU ARE TOO MUCH. And don’t ever change a thing. Anyway, she finds some kid with mono, gives him a lingering close-mouthed kiss (best day of work for that extra ever) and thanks him.
She then goes to Finn’s kissing booth [DRINK] and gives him a little smooch-a-roo, too. Now, mono doesn’t work like they’re trying to make it work, but what else can they do? They wrote themselves into a corner, I suppose, with not wanting people to be straight out caught.
Meanwhile, Puck is shitty again about Lauren’s size, how he’s a chubby chaser, and wants to take her out the night before Valentines. Because, you see, they’ll be too busy making out on V Day to bother with eating. She stifles a laugh, and then agrees to meet him at Breadstix at 8. He fist pumps.
Quinn and Finn meet up in the auditorium for a little kissy face. She reminds him that they’re about to do what hurt him so badly, and he spouts off some nonsense about that hurting because the cheating meant that Quinn and Rachel didn’t love him. But since he’s the object of the cheating, that’s okay. Ladies and gents, I give you teen boy logic at its finest. Quinn isn’t sure who she loves, so she better sample all the cake before deciding on what she’s going take home for keeps. Oh, Quinn, and I was starting to like you, too.
Kurt and Blaine, with their new membership cards to Not Picked By The One I Love Club, are at the Lima Bean again. Now when Blaine sees all of the Valentines crap everywhere he sneers and mumbles. He tells Kurt that he doesn’t think he’s ever made such a fool of himself, and he used to be the old dancing guy at the Ohio Six Flags. And wasn’t ashamed.
Kurt girds his loins and says, “Can I ask you something? We hang out all the time, sing flirty duets… Was I supposed to think that was nothing?”
Blaine, for the first time, looks like he really doesn’t know what he’s doing. And that’s because he doesn’t. He’s never actually had a boyfriend before, and clearly he doesn’t know how to be romantic. Kurt means a lot to him, and he’s scared of messing up their friendship. Kurt says it’s like “When Harry met Sally.” To which Blaine asks, “Didn’t they get together in the end?” HUGE SMILE, I am a sap, what can I say?
Puck’s been stood up by Lauren, so to ease the pain, he makes out with a waitress who has an alcoholic for a father, so losers make her horny. Again, best day of work for an extra, ever. Wait, did she just call Puck a loser? He just got stood up, that’s all. Now do that thing with your tongue again. [Excuse me while I pass out.]
Finn tells the class that he kissed every girl in the school and made $324. (That’s a small-ass school!) He’s looking pretty sick (as is Quinn, sitting on the other side of the room.) It’s Tina’s turn to sing her song, and it’s “My Funny Valentine,” dedicated to Mike. She starts sobbing, like, can’t breathe sobbing, and it’s really awkward, and I know this was supposed to be funny, but it’s just not. HOWEVER. Brad “Tinkles” on the piano doesn’t miss a beat, completely ignoring her, and that is hilarious.
Finn asks to be excused; he’s ready to pass out. Quinn, as well. Santana points out that it sure sounds like they have mono, something you’d get from tonguing someone, not from a kissing booth [DRINK] but they don’t care, they just want to lay down with soups and nasal sprays. Also, let’s ignore that Santana gave Finn mono from a peck at the kissing booth [DRINK], not from tonguing him. WHATEVER, GLEE WRITERS.
In the nurse’s office, Quinn tells Finn there will be no more making out until she figures out what’s going on with her and Sam, and until Finn figures out what’s going on with him and Rachel. Oh, she sees how he still looks at her. (That makes one of us.)
Puck is pissed at Lauren for standing him up. She actually forgot they made plans. (How is this possible? She has eyes!) He loves how much of a bad ass she is, and just wants to get a bit of that jelly. She admits to liking him, but she’s not a one night stand kind of girl, and he’s totally that guy. So they can take it slow, or he can leave it. He wants to put that thing down flip it and reverse it, so they’ll go out on Valentines as friends.
Rachel finds Finn in the nurse’s office and takes over the nursing job. She’s just a glutton for punishment, that Rachel, with her constant nattering about how much prettier Quinn is, etc. Let it go, Rachel, you’re pretty, too. She asks him what it was like when he kissed Finn, and since he’s kind of out of it and not smart, he tells her it felt like fireworks. When she asks if he felt that way about her, he doesn’t say anything. OUCH.
Well that just frees her up to focus on her career, so thanks for the brutal, biting, hurtful honesty. And she’d like to sing about it, so her song of epic love is “Firework” by Katy Perry, a song about loving yourself. Perfect song choice for Rachel, ha. I do wish they didn’t use auto tune on this one, because Lea Michele doesn’t need auto tune, but they keep forgetting to ask me things like this. I’m also surprised that she didn’t start crying. Huh.
At Breadstix, Kurt introduces himself and the Warblers, who will be performing. As Kurt goes to join the guys, Blaine smiles at him and thens tarts singing Wings’ “Silly Love Songs.” (Remember when Paul McCartney was ½ of the most amazing song writing duo ever? Yeah, this song is a long way from the White Album.) On the first time the line, “I love you” is sung, he looks right at Kurt with a smile.
ARE YOU KIDDING ME, WRITERS? You’re killing me, here. I just want Kurt happy, damn it, hurry it up.
Blaine’s crowd work is hilarious during the song, such as directing the line “love doesn’t happen in a minute” to Puck and then “sometimes it doesn’t come at all,” to Santana. Ha. It’s a great performance, everyone feels happy with the way the night is turning out, and Sam and Santana share a meaningful glance to lay the foundation for future trickery.
Happy forced romance day, every one.
Next episode: Comeback!