Lemme take your temp, because I think you might have Beiber Fever. No? Did you get your shot already? Then you’ll be able to safely read this recap without coming down with the typical symptoms: rampant screaming, head flipping or pocket lesbian hairdos. Since the show is all about comebacks, and I’m all about the retro, I have a classic cocktail to reintroduce to you: The New Old Fashioned.
Will thinks to himself that times, they are a’changing. He’s got the Cheerios money now, he’s no longer crippled with woe about Emma and Carl, he’s over his divorce, and his shipment of butt chin filler finally came. He’s back, baby! Leave it to Sue to mess this up.
Emma races in to his office. She found a suicide note in Sue’s office (A Sue-icide note.) They race to Sue’s back office (man, she really did have a disproportionate amount of money) where she has a mini bedroom set up. She’s lying on the bed, seemingly dead, empty pill bottles strewn about. Emma takes her pulse – she has no pulse!
“Yeah I do, I just stopped my heart. It’s my CIA training.”
Sue was told that mega doses of Vitamin A would kill her, but the six bottles of Gummy Bear vitamins didn’t do anything except give her jaw a cramp. Will has had it with her. She brought all of this misery onto herself. He’s sick of her and her crazy. He bangs his fists and forearms together, and walks out.
Sam asks Quinn out for a date night where they’ll paint ceramic coasters and become Mormon. She’s not too sure about this and leaves him hanging. Sam feels that she’s slipping away from him (didn’t he, like, propose to her a few episodes ago?) and refuses to believe that Quinn and Finn made out. She told him Finn was choking on a gumball and she sucked it out of his throat. She saved his life. Wow, dude, you bought that?
Sam thinks on his dad’s tried and true ways to get a girl to love you: chloroform and guilt. Wait, add in rock and roll. Who’s more rock and roll than Justin Beiber? (Everyone?) “No one, that’s who.” Oh, bless, Sam Evans. Take your shirt off and just sit pretty, m’kay? He’s starting a one-man band where he’ll perform nothing but Beiber. He’s getting a lot of practice at Bat Mitzvahs (are there a lot of these in western Ohio?) The preteens love it. Now to turn it up to 11 and shower Quinn with the Beibs.
Rachel is also looking to stage a comeback, specifically by becoming a fashion trend setter. Oh, sugar beet, we’ve seen your 70s Swinger Party jumpsuits, it’s not going to happen. She gives Brittany half of her allowance to buy clothes like Rachel and wear them around school, telling people that she’s copying Rachel’s look. The problem here is that Rachel is relying on Brittany.
Brittany has on leg warmers, but on her arms. She didn’t realize there were rules to fashion, besides, she got cold. She wore a tank top that morning, mistakenly thinking it was summer. “No one ever taught me how to read a calendar.” [DRINK] She’ll try harder tomorrow.
Sue is bored and angry, a dangerous combination. She flings Tina into a locker [DRINK] and screams in other students faces. Will and Emma are discussing her in Emma’s office when Sue barges in. “I’m sorry for not being sorry for barging in.” Sue tells them that the one time she’s felt anything was when she killed that drifter, then sang along to a song in the car. “Sweeeeeeet Caroline!”
Emma thinks a great plan for Sue would be to join the Glee for a week. No one else thinks this is a good idea, but Emma must have secret Ginger powers. Or her “I’m Too Depressed To Even Open This Pamphlet” pamphlet really did the trick. (Oh, how I’ve missed the pamphlets!)
The Glee kids are understandably suspicious and unhappy about Sue joining them. Sue promises that she’s not there to destroy them, she’s even lost that motivation, sad face. Will carries on with class telling them that he’s found out about Regionals. Aural Adrenaline will be there, and they’re the team that kicked them in the butt last year. They already know about the Warblers, and they’re in the dumps about Blaine and Kurt being the dominating force there. Sue whispers to herself, “Sweet Porcelain…”
This year’s theme is “Anthems.” Everyone pulls out their Common Book of Prayer and searches for just the right anthem. Oh, wait, that’s not what they mean, even though that’s the original meaning for the word. Ahem. All of this choral music knowledge is just languishing in my brain, guys. Will asks the class what an anthem is.
Brittany gives the answer quickly and confidently, “The bottom of an ant’s pants.” [DRINK]
“So close,” Will says. It’s an epic sound, bigger than the person singing it. Well…that’s one way to define it? How about a song of celebration that lifts people up? Sam interrupts with a mention about his new band, The Justin Beiber Experience, how everything he sings is automatically an anthem because the Beibs is massive, and speaks with the voice of a generation. (Dear lord.)
Everyone is ready to stone him, then he starts singing “Baby,” which he describes as hugely emotional. Ha ha. The guys aren’t feeling it, but the girls start really rocking out. It’s a catchy ass song, I’ll give him that. Puck starts jamming in his chair, which is hilarious, and then the other guys get into it – all but Finn. Sue wants to know how she can get that girl on the Cheerios. (Ahaha.)
Puck, Artie and Mike find Sam after class and tell him they want in on his one-man band. The chicks were all over him, and they want a taste of some post-Valentine loving. (The girls are all in a romantic malaise and a See’s Candy sugar crash.) They underestimated the power of the Beiber, and just imagine the strength of four Beibers! Finn interrupts with a reminder that Justin Beiber is lame, and he’s not interested in joining, he’s focused on his own project.
Sam rounds on him. “The you won’t have any time to pick up other guy’s girlfriends.”
“Hey. Back off. I didn’t kiss your girlfriend, she saved my life.” Finn walks off smirking and is officially a bag of dicks right now. Sam tells the other guys they’re all in, but they’re going to need to find a weave for Puck.
Rachel sees everyone in school wearing leg warmers on their arms. Dammit! She tells Brittany that she wants her money back. Brittany doesn’t have it because her uncle lost his job and couldn’t feed his goat. “I spent it on food for the goat. I mean, the goat just ate the money.” [DRINK] Then… Brittany had better come to school tomorrow dressed like Rachel! The look: sexy schoolgirl librarian chic.
Sue writes in her journal that this elaborate plan of faking her death and being invited into the Glee club is working. (Just go with the flow, guys, it doesn’t need to make sense.) Her plan is to pit the members against one another, causing internal strife that will explode in oozy spooge like a ripe zit. First order: create strife with the two divas, Rachel and Mercedes.
She first asks each how to be a diva. Mercedes: “It’s all about attitude. Sassy fingers and shaking the weave.” Rachel: “It’s all about emotion. In fact, you feel so much it cannot be contained, so you turn your head, and push the emotion away.” Sue tells Rachel that Mercedes isn’t impressed with her, and tells Mercedes the same from Rachel. The two girls find each other and decide to a diva-off. Rachel wants to do it now, but Mercedes needs to go home and get her cross trainers. “Wanna know why? Because I’m going to be doing some runs.” FINGA SNAP.
Finn asks Quinn out for Friday night, feeling pretty confident she’ll choose him. But not so fast, Smirky McCheaterdouche. The Justin Beiber Experience walks in, flinging their hair, and Mercedes wonders who bought tickets to crazy town. (Mercedes is the only one that was inoculated for Beiber Fever.) Quinn sees Sam in his hoodie and hair and tells Finn she’s not sure about him anymore. Sam tells the class that everything Justin does is epic, so this, by default, is an anthem. Artie finger snaps and says, “Truth!” [DRINK] The guys perform “Somebody to Love” and make all the girls swoon with want. I do think it’s hilarious that Sam can’t really dance, either. Good job on the edit, crew.
Quinn, crosses her legs vigorously and tells Finn that she thinks she’s going to be busy on Friday, sexy lip bite.. Puck asks Lauren how she liked his performance. She’s all about it, but continues to INEXPLICABLY keep Puck at arm’s length. (Seriously, this whole Lauren-Puck story makes no sense. It’s just ridiculous.) He gets mad and tells her that she’s got him “every which way, and we both know I’m not the brightest. So please. What do I got to do to get with you?”
She tells him that she’s got some ideas and will keep him posted. EYE ROLL. Woman, hit that or I will. Quinn tells Sam they’re on for Friday night, he fist pumps as she walks off, and Santana lets him know that she’s got some bidness he needs ta be’s looking in to. Her lady bidness. She points at her crotch because he, too, is not the brightest.
Quinn continues to be the worst (guys, come on. They are making her ridiculously awful this season) by telling Finn that Sam just really does something to her as a mini-Beiber. He’s so shameless and open. He’s an artist, really. She just likes that he owns it. And then she flirt whispers in Finn’s ear, “and that really turns me on.” WHY. Why are you stringing Finn along like this. Gah, you both deserve each other. Also, that white prairie dress is awful. [DRINK]
Puck waits for Lauren to finish up wrestling practice. She’s dominating every dude, and that’s turning Puck on. He asks her if guys ever get erections when wrestling her. Ahaha. She tells him that she wants to sing her song to the Glee, but she’s nervous. He tells her to picture everyone in their underwear, and feel superior when she’s out there. And can he play with her boobs? Not yet, Broseph.
Brittany shows up in a full Rachel outfit from the twee sweater to the plaid skirt and knee socks. Rachel asks her to skip the rest of her classes and just walk around. Brittany agrees. “Totally. Most teacher think by cutting classes I’ll actually improve my grades.” [DRINK]
Rachel and Mercedes are ready for their diva-off. Rachel insists that to be legit, it needs to be from Broadway, so they bust out “Take Me Or Leave Me,” from Rent. Lea Michele sounds great, but Mercedes owns it, let’s just get real here. She puts some stank on it and makes it sound like it should sound. It’s a 60s style-Motown Broadway number and she’s just got enough rasp in her voice to make it sound perfect. The class calls it a draw, but I give it to Mercedes. [DRINK] They enjoy singing together so much that they’re no longer mad at one another. And really, let’s have them sing together more.
Will is disappointed that Sue is still being Sue, trying to pit the kids against each other, so he invites her for a PSA on how to be a Good Person. They go to a hospital (“Hate ‘em. I hate hospitals, that’s why I keep voting for those death panels.”) They visit the pediatric cancer ward and Will has them sing “This Little Light Of Mine” with the kids. Now, come on. What purpose does this serve? To feel bad for these kids? To show that Sue isn’t a complete monster? We already know that, but then again, she always roots for fighters, and these kids are doing just that. It just feels very tacked on and maudlin and mawkish and bah. It feels like Matthew Morrison and Jane Lynch doing a St. Judes commercial.
Quinn and Santana are dressed like Brittany (who is dressed like Rachel) marveling at how hot the look is. It just works on everyone. Santana mentions how she should look like an institutionalized toddler, but she doesn’t! “I look hot and smart. I feel like Michele Obama.” Tina comes over, also wearing the look. Rachel smiles at them, knowingly. They make fun of her for her stupid outfit.
But…it’s just like theirs? Um, Rachel is wearing reindeer, they have carousel horses. Rachel insists that they are wearing her look, and the girls get angry. How dare she take this away from poor Brittany! Brittany shows up and Rachel demands her money back, but this next batch is gone, too, used to pay for Brit’s new publicist. Brittany feels like it’s time for some tough love.
“You’re not a trend setter. When people look at you, they don’t see what you’re wearing. They see a cat getting its temperature taken, and then they hear it screaming.” [DRINK]
In class, Lauren is ready to do her stuff. She goes on about how hot she is, how if she was a country her flag would be her fist flipping off other countries (Will shakes his head) and gets Puck to play his ax. She “sings” The Waitresses “I Know What Boys Like.” Okay, let’s all be honest: she can’t sing. Which is weird that she’s still in Glee. This is why I feel that character is just tacked on for PC reasons. I don’t normally get into character bashing, but Lauren just really rubs me the wrong way. She’s really not going to get with Puck? She was the chairperson for last year’s Old Maid’s Club and was awkward and alone and now she has Puckerman wanting her jelly and she’s teasing him? After begging Santa for his love? Sorry. Nope.
Redemption: when the camera flashes to Puck in tiny underwears (she’s envisioning everyone in their britches.) Mark Salling, that is too much for me. Not really, but I shouldn’t have to fan myself that much. Feel free to torture me every week, buddy.
Santana and Sam sit in the library chatting. Well, Sam is doing impressions, specifically James Earl Jones. Ahaha. He explains who it is when Santana looks confused. “That is offensive! He shot Martin Luther King.” Oh my god, this is why I can’t quit you, Glee. She reminds him that he is one Na’vi quote away from complete dorkdom, even though he has a rocking body. She wants him to come to grips with Quinn’s cheating heart, let her be his mistress and inject some cool into his life. He doesn’t want to admit it to himself, but he knows she’s right about Quinn.
Sue leads the kids in an anthem because, as she mentioned to Will earlier, not one damn anthem has been sung yet. Allow me to channel Artie: PREACH. [DRINK] They sing “My Chemical Romance’s “Sing” and actually turn it into an anthem. I’m not a massive fan of MCR (if at all) but the original is a solid pop song, and this elevates it into something better. That’s impressive.
But let’s lol together at Finn in his silly toque and Rachel looking very Rent-tough in her plaid shirt and thumbs jammed into her front pockets all streetwise and broken down by the world, but defiant! Guys, she’s gonna sing for the boys, sing for the girls, sing for the deaf… No really, she did sing for the deaf, remember? I could have done without the plaid tracksuit on Sue. It was just… odd.
Right after the song Sam breaks up with Quinn. She’s beyond stunned. “Why?”
“Because you can’t look me in the eye and say you didn’t make out with Finn.” Ooh, sick burn. He’s taking advice from Santana. Oh, that’s because they’re now dating. Have fun with Manboobs VonLadystealer. But then, given how Finn and Quinn have behaved in the last two episodes, they deserve each other.
In class Santana is draped all over Sam. Mercedes asks Tina when the hell did that happen? Class starts and Rachel tells Will that she doesn’t believe that song is good enough for Regionals. (She’s right.) She thinks they need a definite edge over the competition, and that’s to have original songs. No one else likes that idea, and when it’s put to a vote, she’s forced to go along with the MCR number.
Rachel is really improving over these past few shows. She actually is thinking of the team, not herself here. Good job, kiddo. Sorry everyone is being a jerkface buttmunch.
Sue comes in to tell Will that she’s been inspired by this week, and as such, is now the choir director for Aural Intensity. So she can’t stick around any more, that would be spying. Same Sue, different day.
Finn finds Rachel after class and says that he thinks she was right about the original songs. He didn’t go along with it, because it wouldn’t have mattered. (Says you!) He thinks that once she has a song ready, they can take that to the rest of them and convince the group. There’s merit to that part of his thinking. He says as he walks off that she’s like the old, determined, take-no-prisoners Rachel that he liked. “I think she might be making a comeback.”
She stands there, beaming. Aww.
Next episode: oh my god, get ready. I’m not going to totally destroy your livers, but I’m going to come close. It’s Blame It On The Alcohol, yo, with one of the funniest Rachel moments of all.