The big beach fight we’ve been promised all season is finally here! But first we have to get the hell out of Jersey in one piece.
Everyone packs up in their own unique way on this icy, cold day in Jersey in preparation for their trip to the Dominican Republic.
Mel: moderately organized, things go in folded, but not sorted by category.
Caroline: moderately organized, sorting things in categories
Lauren: put the entire hair product aisle from Ulta in a bag, she’s done
Jacqueline: little to no organization, jamming things in a bag, including items she won’t be wearing.
Kathy: get a load of this chick, she wraps each item in tissue paper, has silk bags for her shoes and has everything sorted by color, need, and day
- Bro Joe sniffs a pair of Mel’s panties, thoroughly grossing me out. Sorry, I live in the world where people fart. Also, Melissa chides him because they’re clean. Hooooark.
- Wahshley isn’t coming because she blew off getting a passport, expecting her mom to do it for her
- Mel admonishing Bro Joe to be good and behave himself
- Bro Joe putting the baby in a piece of luggage and terrorizing the child
- Melania destroying Casa Guidice and beating up Audriana, the baby
- Kathy telling her mom she hopes things will turn out great, and she and Teresa can be a proper family again. Uh huh.
They all leave for the airport from their respective houses, and the best departure is from Lebanese Jeff Goldblum, aka Rich, who tells his son, “Hey, Joe! Your mom and I are gonna be alone for five days. Guess what we’re gonna do every night?”
Joe laughs and calls his dad gross.
They fly into the Dominican and hoo, lordy is it pretty down there. They land and the Manzo boys note that it looks like Jurassic Park. I’m expecting Rich to break his leg and flirt unsuccessfully with a bird-faced dinosaurologist who’s really interested in scat.
Everyone’s excited to get to the resort, but Tre’s lost one of her bags, so they all wait in the bar to find it. No such luck, they head out, I assume with instructions to call them when the bag is found as it’s got all of Teresa’s “costume jewelry” in it.
Whoops, too many beers at the bar because Juicy Joe needs to squeeze off a little. Yes, he actually gets the caravan of Cadillac SUVs to pull over to the side of the road so he can take a whiz. The other guys see this and decide it’s a brilliant idea, and they all go stand in the grass to ease the load. So classy. They’re on the side of a high way, it should be noted. With cars passing them.
They load up and head on to the resort, with some gangsta-lite music playing, ’cause these bitches go hard. I’m sure it’s by the Soul Diggaz as a way to keep them working with Melissa.
Note: Teresa says in a voice over that “you can’t keep bringing up the past” and that they’re all there to resolve their problems and be a family again. Okay, Teresa, I’ll remember you said that.
They pull up to the Hard Rock Cafe and Resort where you can pee in the pool and drink all day! They divided everyone up like this: the Manzo kids are all in one place, the Wakiles and Gorgas in another, and the Lauritas, Manzos and Guidices in the last one. Smart to put Mama Manzo and Poppa Laurita in with the real children.
As they walk up to the rooms, Albie and Christuhphuh have their arms slung around each other’s shoulders having a great brother chat. Juicy says, “They look like two butt buddies.” I really hate this guy. Melissa says, “Please Jesus let my boys be that close when they’re grown, amen.” Tre has to get in a dig, “Yeah, but then the wife will come in….”
She’s awful. She is just awful, this one.
They all hit their own rooms and they’re lovely and modern and come with a 24 hour concierge service. The Manzo kids shake his hand and introduce themselves, and I find that adorable. Juicy and Tre head to pick a bed, but Juicy says, “We ain’t gonna be goin’ at it too much.”
Teresa – speaking through a dog whistle – replies, “Why because I’m on my period? So what?” First class with these two.
There’s a knock at the kids’ villa, it’s Gay Greg, my most favorite housewife! I’m guessing Bravo didn’t pony up for his first class ticket. And Greg shows up with Puckerman hair. Hmm. I’m on the fence. Greg sees the massive balcony over looking the turquoise water and marvels, “It’s an Evita balcony!” Albie asks, “Who the fuck is Evita?” So we know he’s not gay.
The Manzos, Lauritas and Guidices relax on their balcony snacking on some Monte Christos and fruit, having a nice time of it until Juicy opens his mouth to say how he thinks Bro Joe is a dummy and a “little guy.” Juicy? You are disgusting. You are also a midget, so step off of Bro Joe.
They all turn in early and the next morning we see Teresa standing on the bed flashing her white panties and jumping up and down to wake Juicy up. One, they always film how hard it is to wake this lunk up. Two, white panties on your period? You’re brave, sister.
It seems that Caroline has a massive migraine building, so she sits at the table, pained, trying to not completely be out of the loop when her kids show up. The Manzo boys got a catamaran for the day to have a little fun party with everyone. Juicy wants Tre to come out and model her suits for him, which to Teresa means strip down to a string bikini in front of everyone. And they’re eating breakfast. I don’t want that punta cana near my migas, you feel me?
She shows off her various looks, the Golden Trollop Guidette, the Mermaid Guidette, and the Ocean Skank Guidette suits. She puts on entire looks and demands that everyone comment on how she ‘s hot. They all “oh” and “ah” but you can see Lauren rolling her eyes. She, too, is on the cotton pony and just does not want to be in a bathing suit next to this thing. I don’t blame you. Lauren fakes joy every time Teresa demands it, and I am really loving Lauren Manzo.
Greg whispers breathlessly that he can’t wait to see Melissa in her suit. Ha ha, he has a massive girl crush on her.
Rich and Joe are getting massages at their place because they’re smart like that. It seems that Joe can’t get a massage and hear Melissa talk because “Tarzan comes out.” You know, I would like to see how long Bro Joe can go without talking about his hey-ho, you know? Melissa puts on her suit, not the dust mop made by Tandy Leather from the packing scene, but her White Pirate Slutty Angel suit. It’s actually more tasteful (read: covers more skin) than the tiny gold bikini Tre wears. (Yep, Tre put on the very first outfit, didn’t even need to try things on.)
Bro Joe makes Mel pose everywhere to get pictures of her. I just… come on. Posed shots like that are gross, you guys. Juicy doesn’t give a shit and is already drinking on board, so Tre gets Jacqueline to snap shots of her. The competition for Pinche Punta Princess is on, it seems. I would like to state for the record that I think Kathy looks great for an older mom, it must be said.
Jacqueline is uncomfortable with her looks and whines for a while until Chris reassures her she’s beautiful and to cut it out. I agree, Chris, no more fat talk, ladies. You’re freaking beautiful and you look like a HUMAN. Also? Those curves on your body feel good to a man, so stop it, okay?
I do like that while all of this “wah, I hate myself,” “damn, I’m hot!” talk is going on, the editors cut to Juicy, who’s shorts are riding high up his thighs. Teresa looks like Magda from There’s Something About Mary when she oils herself up. There’s tan, and then there’s Tandy Leather tanned.
They weigh anchor and that means one thing: Pants Off Dance Off! Bro Joe and Melissa start grinding and grooving (and they look good for who they are) which means Teresa has to dog whistle “Joe, let’s dance, right? Riiiiight?” Lauren and Greg comment on how Mel and Joe are the hottest couple ever, and Teresa plasters a grin on her face and shoulder swivels left, right, left, right while standing in front of Juicy who kind of bobbles up and down and left, right, left swivels himself.
In a voice over Teresa says, “I’m feeling super sexy. There’s no competition.” Nope, there isn’t, Tre. Ahem. This woman, I swear, everything is a competition with her. Just have fun in the moment, facrissakes.
Albie sets up a drinking game involving a Nanopet, the name La Cucaracha, and random reasons to drink. Everyone has a blast, no fighting, no arguing, just lots of laughing and good times. Greg cannonballs off the deck into the ocean….and it’s about four feet deep. The guys all jump in the water to have a “cock fight” (aka a chicken fight.) Teresa, who has reverse Tourrette’s – it gets garbled coming in – automatically assumes the smack talk means they’re saying Juicy has a teeny peen.
She makes sure everyone knows they bang constantly. She’s banged like a screen door in tornado weather. She’s banged like a gavel in an unruly courtroom. She’s banged like a hired hooker at a frat house. She can hardly walk from how much her man gives it to her. GREAT. Who cares? Also, excuse me while I puke for an hour and a half.
There’s one of those short scenes between commercials where Juicy is in the villa doing chair dips, and someone challenges him to do push-ups with Greg (6′ a million”) on his back. No way’s are thrown around, but Juicy gets down, Greg stands on his back (hands held by the Manzos) and damn if Juicy doesn’t do 5 of them before Greg gets off. Jacqueline hops on and surfs on his back while Joe pops off more, making a shitty comment about how she weighs more than Greg. I caught that, Juicy.
The group is ferried from the catamaran to the beach where they’ll have a catered dinner set up. Half of them go in search for bathrooms, and Bro Joe follows Melissa into a stall, trying to get her to have sex with him. Now, there are other ladies in the bathroom stall. Outside, Lauren and Greg see that there’s a porthole window to the bathroom, push it open, and shout “We can see you!” and Melissa screams. Ha ha. Also, good lord, dude, you can wait until nightfall to release ya poison.
Rich, Albert, Juicy and Teresa sit on the beach while Juicy tells them about the restaurant he plans on opening. The man is an idiot. Albert Manzo has been in the business for 30 years and Juicy won’t listen to him, arguing that a banquette hall and restaurant are completely different. Well, only because you have only reservations in one? He just doesn’t know what he’s talking about.
Rich, who took Albert’s advice, says that he and Kathy weren’t ready for that level of commitment, because when you want to be home, that’s when people go out to eat. Albert tries to explain that restaurants have a 95% failure rate. “Doesn’t matter,” Juicy says. “I’ll make it work.”
Rich says in a voice over that Joe essentially has business ADHD. He tells Juicy that “It sounds glamorous, but [Kathy and I weren’t] willing to sacrifice our weekends and social life.”
Kathy enters at this point, Rich catches her up, and she settles in a beach chair. “It’s a big step. The kids, too. I can’t see myself detaching myself from the kids that much. Lots of luck with that!” And that is verbatim what she said.
Tre leans forward, smoke coming out of her ears, the gears in her pea brain are turning so hard, and all three cherries line up: ME, KIDS, COMPETITION. The buzzer goes off and the verbal diarrhea begins pouring out. WHO SAID I WAS DETACHING FROM MY KIDS, LET ME BRING UP ALL THE PAST ARGUMENTS EVER blah blah blah.
Kathy rolls her eyes at Tre somehow making this all about her. Teresa keeps on, “It’s always about the children, you think I’m a bad mother, but I dress my kids in zebra and fur and buy them microwave pancakes and anything they want so I’m a GREAT mother!”
Greg and the Manzo boys sit off to the side smoking cigars, with Greg getting upset that Kathy is being attacked. I think this is his first exposure to the Teresa Crazy. Kathy takes a deep breath and says in a calm and even tone, “Tre. It’s clear to everyone that you love your children. What I was trying to say-”
“I don’t need to prove to yous guys that I’m amazing and prettier and better and blah blah blah riiiight?”
We then have a game of which one can wave their hands more emphatically while repeating themselves and Chris Laurita asks Juicy quietly to end this. So Juicy turns around and shouts, “SHADDUP. Alright? SHADDUP. That’s it. Shut up.” Not diplomatic in the slightest, but it works. For the count of three. Tre keeps trying to talk, and Joe keeps telling her to shut up.
Rich quietly tells Kathy to stop trying, Tre isn’t worth it, and he’s right. Greg softly calls out to her across the sand, “Kathy, you are still an effing lady, I’ll tell you that.”
Greg is my favorite housewife, you guys, Puck mohawk or no.
Everyone else shows up so the whole thing has to be rehashed as Tre and Juicy excuse themselves to not have period sex. Kathy sums it up by twirling her finger at her head and saying, “Cuckoo! Cuckoo!”
And Teresa, who don’t need nobodies approval to say she’s a good mom, riiiiight? asks Joe is she’s a good mom. Basically Teresa thinks that Kathy is competing with her over who’s the better mother, which is crazy. Anyone can look at the offspring and see. (Editors, this would have been a perfect time to cut to Milania power-driving the baby with her elbow.)
Next Week: More fighting. Drunken cursing. THE PHOENIX THAT IS JESUS SPICE. (But which end of the phoenix’s life is this, the crash and burn, or the rising from the ashes?)