Last week in Punta Cana the guys took whizzes on the side of the highway, Caroline feigned a migraine to get away from them all, and Teresa blew up at Kathy for daring to suggest she shaves her forehead. She waxes her forehead, thank you very much.
Tre and Joe storm off the beach, which is more of a slow stagger. Teresa needs to change into another bathing suit, that’s how mad she is. Rich goes off to talk to Joe, who is also changing clothes in the bathroom. Rich tells Juicy that he loves the Giudice kids, they don’t think nothing bad about dem, to which Juicy says he wants everyone to just shut the fuck up, because he’s over it. So are we, Juicy, so are we.
Oh, Juicy does admit, however, that he realizes Teresa is crazy. So there’s that at least.
Jacqueline and Chris wander off for some alone time and decide that if any more of this stupid fighting happens, they’re keeping out of it and going for a long walk down the beach. All the way to the gun store. Where they will rain hellfire on anyone with a screechy voice. Right? Riiiiiiight?
Night falls, some locals set up a bonfire on the beach and Rich makes the bright observation to Kathy that it’s like them, see? Like her and Teresa fighting, and all of the things she wants to say are like logs, and they’re gonna keep burning if someone don’t stop trowin’ dem on the flames. Someone needs to piss on the fire, you unnastan? He is the Dali Lama of Lebanese Guidos, this Rich.
More locals set up a buffet of Dominican stew for their dinner, and while I’m sure it’s delicious, the last thing I want to eat on a beach with the wind blowing my hair in my face (they couldn’t film them from oceanside? Really?) is a hot stew over rice. Melon? Fruits? No? Kathy and Rich eat up, then call it a night.
Everyone else heads over to a bar where they start having a lot of fun. Juicy asks Bro Joe if he knows the capital of Palau. Bro Joe looks confused until Juicy says, “Melekeok!” and tries to tap Bro Joe’s balls. Good times. A good natured fight breaks out where Juicy says he’s taller than Bro Joe, so everyone makes them stand back to back and surprise! They’re the exact same height.
Tre and Bro Joe have a sweet little moment where they say they love each other and hug, and Teresa tries to not cry, and maybe, just maybe she’s not as awful as we thought? Ha ha, I’m just pulling your leg. She just has moments where she’s not entirely awful, that’s all. Juicy tells everyone that at the end of the day, “We’re all family,” they all cheer and drink a shot and try to not point out that the Lauritas, Gay Greg, and the Manzos are not their family.
Mel loudly prays to the Father, the Son and the Holy Ghost, thank you very much for these delicious rum based drinks, for my sweet cans, and for the love in this family, I love you Jesus! She does a back flip in His name and ends with the splits. Go Savior!
The next day, Caroline wakes up, tests the air to see if there are still fights going on, and finds out it was all done last night. She won’t have to hide out with a migraine all day today, then. Big Al catches her up on all of the stupidity, and I have to say, I like his bluntness now. I’m still too southern to want that in my life, but I can appreciate him calling things like he sees them.
Over at the Gorga suite, Melissa tries to just wash her damn armpits in the shower when Bro Joe slips in, demanding that she take care of his build up of poison really quickly. Meanwhile the Manzo boys have arrived to pick up Joe (guy golf game) and actually wander into the bathroom looking for him. So Melissa comes out of the shower – in a towel – and Joe steps out with his Seabiscuit whinnying. This man has no shame, I swear.
Teresa gets Juicy to take another photo shoot of her in her “going shopping” outfit, and good hell, how many pictures of yourself does a person need? Caroline is already irritated and ready to go shop. The guys head out to golf, and only Big Al is an actual golfer, so this isn’t going to end well, I can already tell. Juicy is wearing a typical mook outfit: white wife beater, douchebag Frat boy shorts, thick white socks and black sneakers. Classy. Oh, and he can’t hit the ball for shit. He swings and misses a good three times.
It’s gonna be a long day out on the links.
The girls (Greg is there, natch) head out in two cars to go shopping. Fun! Oh, wait, they’re going local food shopping, not clothes/trinkets to bring back shopping. Teresa wants to get local spices and “ingredientses” for maybe a third cookbook, Italian-Island fusion. Because who doesn’t want Jerk Lasagne? Or mango scalipinni? Sounds delightful.
They drive away from the resort and into the local village and see how run down and poor it really is there. Reality check time! There are stray dogs everywhere, roosters perched on cars, and dear god, is that a lamb head rotting next to that shop entrance??
The girls scream every time they see a severed head, because they’re total babies. Pfft, it’s just carnage and gore everywhere, god. Melissa delicately steps around the river of blood in the street (no, really) bitching about how she’s in Gucci shoes walking in that mess. Teresa wanders around with the misconception that she’s now Anthony Bourdain, trying to find local food from vendors. They’re probably cobblers and seamstresses with their lunches sitting out to cool, not cooks, but she doesn’t know the difference.
At one point she hollers out, “Does anyone speak English?” She says in a voice over that the girls are being babies, and she knows what she’s doing. Uh, hello, New York Times best selling authoress here! She then asks the locals if any of them read her cookbook, “Skinny Italian.”
She is completely serious.
On the golf course, Bro Joe says he’s playing poorly because he’s still filled with poison. So he pulls his britches down and moons everyone while thwacking at the ball. Back with the girls, Gay Greg’s pants get tight for a moment, his Naughty-Gorga senses tingling. Big Al mutters to himself, “Serenity now, serenity now,” as he tries to not beat every one of these jerks to death with a 7 wood.
Kathy and Rich are at the casino having fun, Albie, Christuhphuh and Greg talk shop at the bar. Albie wants them to realize that their BLK opening is in six days, and here they are on vacation. They need to get their heads in the game as soon as they get back. Greg shushes him and says to “live in the now” and they’ll work when they get home.
Greg, you continue to be my favorite housewife. Look at that expert job he does in calming down his man!
Juicy and Tre are all over each other kissing and grabbing as they make their way to dinner with the whole group. They really let it go when they’re out of their house. Maybe the key is for them to always be on vacation?
Christuhphuh, Albie and Greg have come up with a game for dinner, the Punta Princess Pageant. For some reason Jacqueline and Caroline are exempt. There are three categories: style, smarts, and creativity. Jacqueline is sure that Greg will win.
Juicy tells everyone that he doesn’t care what anyone says, his wife is his Punta Princess. Aww. Yeah, but whatever, who really is going to win? Teresa gets the Style category because she’s wearing a hat. Kathy wins for Creativity because she’s wearing a cool ring? Who the hell knows. So all that is left is Smarts. Maybe Mel can win this, if she can just answer one question:
“Who is our Vice President?”
Why don’t you go ahead and ask her write an equation for a Mandlebrot set where B is an imaginary integer. She starts describing him, “White, old guy?” and Teresa starts shouting Clinton! Cheney! Until Melissa finally hits on Biden. It’s a three-way tie! Time for the sudden death question!
“What continent is Cairo on?”
Melissa, without hesitation, shouts out, “Antarctica!” Caroline, laughing into her husband’s arm, whispers, “I love the confidence in her answer.” I assume they give Jesus Spice the title, who knows.
Speaking of, Bro Joe asks her the next morning if she’s ready for her big debut at the BLK gala, and she’s pretty flip about it, she’s gotta sing and do the dance a few times until she knows it cold, hand wave. Um, yeah. Yeah, you do need to do that. Oy, methinks Jesus Spice isn’t ready for her Big Break.
Back at the Giudice suite, someone brings Teresa her missing bag. Aww, the last day they’re there, too, and it seems like she didn’t even need it. Way to grossly over-pack, sister. They all head out to the airport, ready to go home. Kathy says she wants a vacation to calm down from her vacation, and Al says that if he was in hell, but none of those chuckleheads were there, he’d consider that a vacation.
Back in the states, Melissa meets up with the Manzo boys at a club in NYC where the BLK launch party will be. It’s a pretty hip club, but she seems disappointed that she’s not selling out a huge stadium. Um… They’re getting really worried about letting her perform. I don’t blame them. She starts making demands, “Can my space be bigger? Where is my hair and make up trailer? Um, can you remove all of these tables so I can have tigers?”
Hold the phone, what? Yes, Bro Joe is making calls to see if they can’t get some mother scratching TIGERS in the club for her stupid ass “On Display” song. For the love of… NO TIGERS, they tell her. The club owner is trying to decide if this bitch is for real. Albie visibly breaks into a nervous sweat. “What have I done?” he must be thinking.
She heads to a dance studio where a Broadway trainer has decided to take her on as a client, it seems. He’s working with two professional dancers, who are awesome, it should be mentioned. She saunters over, and he launches into her for going on vacation and not rehearsing. She tries to be giggle-cutesy, but he lives in the Real World where his name is attached to this and doesn’t find it cute. I love him instantly.
She starts getting super nervous and can’t get started on the rehearsal because everyone’s watching her (Your song is called ON DISPLAY. What did you think, you would perform in a vacuum??) and he gets incredibly irritated.
“I have other appointments today, so you need to get going.” Mm hmm, your husband can’t buy this fabulous bitch, woman, so you bes’ come correct! I’m guessing the back up dancers being flawless has something to do with her nerves. Guys, this is going to be a disaster, and I really can’t deal with it. I have a high shame meter, where I feel the shame SHE should have. I might dissolve into a pile of fits, I don’t know.
Jacqueline and Chris get ready to go (and Chris makes a big deal about taking the foil off the wine bottle before popping the cork because he hates when people just pull it out and the foil is all mangled around the opening and can I just say that ME TOO?!) They hope it turns out well, since this is Chris’ money and name on the line.
Mel does a final rehearsal, kinda. She mumbles into the mic not getting that she has to actually sing the song and move around so the lighting and sound crew can get set up. Oy, she just has no idea how this stuff works, and she is all nail biting, smiley, cutesy about it and it’s so irritating. Albie plans a name change and move as Bro Joe tells Mel that he spent a shit ton of money on her, she better produce. Yeah, I think that last one is actually going to sink in with her.
Everyone stars arriving, they do the red carpet thingy, Ashley is there and is told that she better not get anything to drink since she’s underage and there are cameras every where, and it seems like a big success so far! Tons of people show up, so that’s nice. Melissa is backstage getting into hair and makeup and tries to sound chill, saying that she’s going to just half-ass it.
Gay Greg (getting a manicure) says, “Oh hell no you are not, Miss Thing. This is my Albie you are messing with.” He air kisses her and leaves her to think about what he’s said. She starts panicking backstage in her leather hot pants and tube top (dripping with chains) and drops to her knees to pray to Jesus.
Wait, no, she’s praying to her dead father. “This is for you, Daddy, my slut cat suit and ass shaking is all for you, Papa! Papa, can you hear meeeeeee? Papa can you see me?” This little Yentl moment ends with her praying to the baby eight pound Jesus to help her get through it, she’s super thankful for everything, and she loves the Mother Mary, amen.
THIS IS WHAT I HAVE BEEN WAITING FOR, JESUS SPICE.
She hits the stage with her Tiger Eyes and Serious Hair Flipping and I Am Sex Ass shaking, and are you watching, Daddy?! When I slide my hand down my rib cage and faux grind against my palm, are you watching me, Daddy!? I miss you! I’m not even going to go where she’s trying to take me, but everyone in the crowd is loving it, no one more than Joe Gorga.
She’s on display, on display, on display and the whole group is clearly having a good time. Kathy is smiling and bouncing, even Teresa looks happy, what is this sorcery? Juicy dances around and smiles, and guys, we have a Punta Cana Jesus Spice miracle happening here. She does just fine, she’s not as good as the backup dancers (of course) but hey, she sounded just fine. Because of auto tune. Who cares, she didn’t half ass it, hooray!
Someone brings her roses on stage and she thanks her father, choked up. Woman, this isn’t the Grammys, this is a party for BLK water! Ugh. She gets off stage, everyone hugs her and tells her how great she did and Juicy even makes a little speech saying how amazing she was.
Am I on acid? Am I hallucinating? Juicy hugs her over and over and tells her how great she is, and wow, what is in BLK water and how can I get a case?
Kathy and Tre go off to talk privately, saying how they’re both sorry (Teresa initiates this! SERIOUSLY: what is in BLK water?) and they say how they miss being close and that they love each other. Aww. They’re family, that’s all that matters, they hug and kiss, and I believe I can fly starts playing, and we all sway with the dream, the promise that we all can touch the sky, we think about it every night and day, and Greg spreads his wings and flies far away. (In my fantasy he’s a friggin’ angel. A bee-you-tee-ful angel in Affiction bedazzled robes.)
Maybe everyone will be happy from this point on? And maybe monkeys will fly out of my butt, this is Jersey.
Next week! A Gorga Family picture promises emotional pay off and Tre dissses Caroline Manzo in the opener to her latest book and all hell breaks loose. SEASON FINALE!