Real Housewives of Beverly Hills – 2.5 $25,000 Sunglasses

I don't know how to say this, I'm...kind of a big deal. I have many leather-bound books and my library smells of rich mahogany.

Kyle and Taylor wobble on their Jimmy Choos across someone’s thoughtless gravel drive for a lunch date. Their hostess isn’t ready for them yet, as she’s still working with a dress maker and jeweler. She greets them in a boob-hugging beaded gown and tiara. As one does for lunch.

This is Taylor’s friend Dana Wilkey, and she really wants you to know that she has money. Guys? She’s someone, okay? I mean she eats gold flakes on her corn flakes. Why? Because she can. She assures her guests that the gravel they almost turned their ankles on was imported marble chips from a private island off Greece.

Kyle looks over the jewels and sees a fabulous pair of chandelier earrings ending in giant canary diamonds. They’re only about $40,000 and Dana shits as much from her breakfast every day. We can’t all be as fortunate as her, I suppose.

Taylor and Kyle go off to find where they’re supposed to be having lunch (I guess money can’t buy you class, isn’t that right, Countess?) and pass the entryway table where Dana’s 18 month old son has head shots/Zed cards lying around. Just in case a casting director drops by, of course.

Dana tells them that her toddler already can read and speaks Thai. Dana would introduce them to her miracle genius baby, but he’s working with his pilates instructor, and he’s just a bear if he doesn’t get the full hour. Alrighty, then! Kyle pokes at her salmon dish and says that her toddler, Portia, was born walking. She just walked right out of the womb, it was amazing, really. I love Kyle and her humor, not gonna lie.

Dana tells Kyle that she looooved Kyle’s charity thingy, it was just precious. In fact, that’s why she’s here! Dana wanted to get to know her better and maybe get Kyle to go shopping with her so Dana can flaunt how much more money she has. And because Kyle has a unique style that Dana evidently wants to copy. Sounds fun!

At Villa Blanca, Lisa sits down to a wine tasting to make sure the offerings for the customers are the best. Her friend Bette shows up, and Bette is also Kyle and Kim’s manager. She wants Lisa to do a spot on CNN for the Royal Wedding (aw, remember when we all cared about that?) Lisa thinks it could be a lot of fun, and she just had lunch with the Duchess of York the other day! Of course she did.

Adrienne ignores Paul – she even had that scheduled as her 2 o’clock – as Paul bitches about their puppy taking a poop in his closet every day. She thinks it’s super funny. They touch base on the BBQ they’re throwing on a Wednesday (who throws a BBQ party on a work day? I swear, their lives are not like our lives.) Paul brings their hyper German Shepherd in while Adrienne is on the phone because it’s been a whole five minutes since they drove each other crazy. The romance rolls off these two in waves.

Taylor meets new Best Friend Brandi for drinks where they have the whole place to themselves. Taylor feels like they have a lot in common, and is looking forward to having another person not tell her to eat. Brandi catches Taylor up on her messy divorce. Eddie apparently cheated on her for their entire marriage and is marrying Leann “Squint Eyes” Rimes the next day. Yeesh.

Brandi tells Taylor that she lost a lot of weight during her divorce too, and that it’s normal. Guys? Taylor’s weight is not normal. But she does give Taylor some good advice and I have to say… I’m liking Brandi so far. This is going to change, huh? But for now, she seems like a fun person, not mean or anything. She’s better than Dana, that’s for sure.

Kim is at her house wandering like a sad ghost, touching all of the many many pictures of her children. Oh, they’re like down the road, but for her it’s too far. She’s that mom, who’s whole life became her kids and doesn’t know what to do with herself now that they’re gone. She talks to her housekeeper about each picture. Rosa hovers, not knowing what to say.

“Yes, Mees Keem, he very handsome. Okay, Mees Keem, I dust that one now, okay?”

“Oh, Rosa, there’s no heartbreak like the one from a child, true?”

“Mees Keem? I need to work now, you don’t pay me if I don’t work.”

Kim laughs and tosses her head back, remembering the flash of light bulbs from the red carpet at the Emmy’s, 1978. “Yes, I was beautiful once, wasn’t I?”

“Okay, Mees Keem, I go now.”

Back at Villa Blanca, Lisa and Ken bring Giggy to dinner, where the dog immediately pisses on the upholstery. I love the Vanderpumps, but I freaking hate when people bring their dogs everywhere. This is an excellent example of why.

Kyle and Mauricio join them. Lisa misses her, they used to talk all the time. Their fabulous looking food arrives, and it reminds Kyle of the lunch she had at Dana’s. She tells Lisa about the Wunderkind child, and Mauricio proves that he is the most awesome of all the husbands.

“I think the baby speaks gibberish and she assumes it’s Thai.” Mauricio? You are a delight.

Kyle laughs about how everyone in this town is so full of shit, they love saying how amazing they are, how they’re so much better than everyone else, well, everyone but the two of them. Lisa says she’s upfront about working to pay for her mortgage. I cannot begin to fathom what that mortgage looks like.

Lisa brings up Taylor and how she’s truly worried for her. Kyle asks her to stop telling Taylor that they’re not friends. Now, that’s not exactly how Lisa puts it, but that’s exactly how Taylor hears it. Lisa isn’t understanding that, however, and no one else is understanding that Lisa is saying that she’s not being fake kind, she’s genuinely worried about a fellow human being. Lisa thinks a true friend would step in and confront her about her eating, however.

Adrienne’s house is all set up for the BBQ party, and chef Bernie is busting buns to get everything delicious. They have life guards for the pool, because heaven forbid the parents put their cocktails down long enough to tell little Mariah or Master Roderick to not freaking jump into the deep end when they’ve not learned how to swim yet.

Brandi gets there, still on crutches, and her boys go tearing off to the bounce house. Kyle and her daughters also arrive, and Portia has an adorable yellow swim suit with a tu-tu. Camille and friend for hire DD arrive, but I didn’t see if she brought her kids. (She might have an injunction to not let the kids be filmed, I don’t know.)

Camille and Brandi bond over their cheating husbands as DD rubs her thumb nail against her thigh, cutting into her skin a little bit. That is her friend. Brandi and Camille seem to really hit it off, and Brandi calls Camille the A-list version of her. Brandi thinks Camille should start dating immediately, because she’ll be happy, and spending her time with someone else will be great for the kids. Somehow. Look, there’s only a short window of hotness, then you’re just some washed up 35 year old and no one wants that. Well, not in their town.

Dana shows up and makes sure everyone knows she’s an idiot that spent twenty-five thousand dollars on a pair of sunglasses. I’ll give you five to one odds she leaves them by a pool somewhere. She tells anyone she can trap that they have gold python leather and gold and diamonds and they cost $25,000. Did you see these? They cost a lot. But I’m worth it. Hey everyone! Come look at how good I look! I spent money, everyone, come look at me!

Kyle thinks it’s asinine, because she’s not an idiot, but Camille gets the prize for saying “People with money don’t talk about it. And I wouldn’t talk about it or even buy them.” And she’s right. Dana walks around sticking her face into conversations to brag about her sunglasses and any time she feels a sneeze coming on, she grabs a $100 bill and blows her nose. Because she can.

Lisa gets help putting in some hair extensions from CHAV-son Max. She’s in a towel flipping her head to the side so Max can clip them in, or something. It’s not just me, that’s weird, right? He has no idea what to do, and neither does she, so they just lay them on top of her head. She gets her things (Giggy) and heads over to the CNN studio.

And right here I would like to call continuity error. Lisa couldn’t go to the BBQ because it was on a Wednesday and she was going to be reporting on the Royal Wedding. But the Royal Wedding was on a Friday. So I call shenanigans.

She sits in hair and makeup and basically does it herself as they explain what she should expect. She bumps into Dr. Drew Pinsky, has no idea who he actually is, just that he’s someone, and makes small talk, mostly about her dog. She asks him to make a twitter for Giggy and maintain that all day, if he would be such a dear, ta!

Camille and Taylor find some haunted trampoline in the woods behind Adrienne’s house and bounce on it. Taylor even manages a flip, almost losing her top in the process. Impressive!

Brandi complements Kyle on her beautiful girls. Meanwhile, Brandi’s four year old son hops out of the pool, pulls his pants down, and takes a whiz on the grass. Brandi thinks this is hilarious (and thoughtful, at least he minded the Ool Rules – no P in the pool) but Kyle can’t believe she didn’t correct him, or at least remind him to not whip his penis out at a party. He’s supposed to save that for his high school years.

Kim was supposed to come, but she’s not answering her phone. Kyle, feeling that old embarrassment creeping in, calls her to get the skinny. “Yeah, I don’t have any kids,” Kim slurs into the phone. But the pictures! They’re still alive and existing, Kim, they’re just not in your house. Oh, she means no young kids are available for her to bring, so she didn’t want to be around other people’s children, reminding her of what she no longer has. (They’re just up the street in the dorm, Kim, get a grip.)

Kyle hangs up, leaving Kim free to continue trying to put makeup and a prom dress on Rosa, needing to relive the special times. “Mees Keem, I no gonna feet.”

“Shh, Rosa. Just exhale while I pull up the zipper. And I told you: call me mommy.”

Dana, satisfied that everyone knows she spent $25,000 on a pair of freaking eye covers, has her Baby Einstein in a kiddie pool where he splashes water in perfect Fibonacci spirals. (It looks like random ass splashing to me, but then, I can’t afford gold python shades, so I clearly don’t know anything.)

Lisa, at the CNN studios, asks for an ear piece for Giggy. Oh, for the love of… They show the wedding procession on blue screen as Lisa talks about how Lady Di was tortured by the paparazzi, and how nothing has changed. She’s not wrong. She holds Giggy up and waves his paws at the camera when her time is up. Someone pulls out a handkerchief to blot at Ken’s chin; he’s fallen asleep in a chair.

Kyle and Brandi have a little lady chat at the BBQ, and Kyle wonders if anyone has seen Taylor eat. Brandi says Tyalor is on the divorce diet. “Wait. She’s getting a divorce?” Hold the phone, sister, how is Brandi privy to news that Kyle isn’t? Brandi back tracks, she doesn’t know that, she’s just assuming.

Dana, because she’s the queen of all things, waves Taylor over and asks her if she’s eaten. “A hamburger and a hot dog.” My ass you ate those things, but Dana smiles at everyone and assures them that when she is with Taylor, she eats all the time! Gross, are they all fighting over who’s the closest to Skeletor?

Since they’re not talking about her, Dana decides to tell them all about the fabulous castle in France where she and her fiancée will be married that summer. She wants the whole princess experience, down to the boob-crushing beaded dress and all eyes on her. EVERYONE, LOOK AT HOW AWESOME I AM!!

Camille, and holy crap, I am loving her this season, laughs softly in a camera one-on-one about how gauche it is to have a “prince and princess” wedding when you’re not one. Or if you’re not Celine Dion.

Mauricio and Paul arrive, and Paul jumps in the pool in his scrubs. He really can be fun at times. Paul climbs out and takes off his top and Adrienne murmurs that he’s no Mauricio. Girlfriend, that is true.

Dana wants to have a big party where they’ll all swim in molten gold and help Camille find a man and then eat powdered diamonds. This leads to Camille slagging on Kelsey, saying the Big Feet, Big Hands was actually a Big Disappointment. Because these women live in La La land, they don’t know what that refers to. Brandi helps them out: cock.

This wasn’t beeped, and I was shocked. Not by the word, but that they didn’t censor cock. The girls are not okay with that word, that is not how ladies speak. True, but it’s just a word. Cock. Cockity cock cock. Kyle and Taylor especially are not okay with that, but Adrienne loves cock. Well, that Brandi used the word.

Brandi says that guys talk like this, what’s the big deal? Actually they’re worse, Adrienne interjects, and she’s right. They all say the words they prefer, and Adrienne’s pet name for cock is “annoying.” Poor Paul. Brandi just says cock a few more times and says they need to quit thinking she’s a slut, because she’s not.

Everyone says, “No!! Of course we don’t!” Kyle says out of the side of her mouth, “But I do now!”

Dana says her husband is an investment banker (oh, so we can thank him for the housing collapse and the economy in tatters? Good to know! Here, let me help you with those sunglasses. SMASH) and as a result, he’s gone all the time.

Brandi laughs and says that he must have girls all over the country.

DEAD. SILENCE.

Dana says, “Shame on you!” Brandi tries to explain what humor means, but she didn’t define it in monetary value, so Dana doesn’t get it. Brandi does say she’s sorry, she was joking and didn’t mean to offend her. Whatever, guys, I think Brandi’s kind of funny right now.

Camille thinks she should have laughed, she got it was a joke. Camille is a voice of reason, you guys. What? Also notice that DD is nowhere to be found. I think she’s in the bathroom staring at herself with hate, practicing her Camille-voice. One day, one day she will push that little bird out of the nest and it will be all hers. If only Alison Dubois was legit, she could send Camille a “KNOW THIS” warning about DD locking her up in her dungeon and her plans to peel her skin off and make a lady suit out of her.

 

NEXT WEEK! Adrienne’s worried about Kim’s drinking (Rosa dressed in a onesie and forced to drink from a bottle as Kim rocks her to sleep was a big tip off) and Brandi calls her out on it, disrupting the peace. Cannot wait.

 

 

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  • Christy

    So I immediately had to google Dana after watching this train wreck of a show. This is what I found:
    http://www.people.com/people/article/0,,20513768,00.html
    My favorite part is where she talks about couture. “Most people can remember when they bought their first couture purse”.
    Crazy person.

    • Dana was a piece of WORK, oh my god. Oh, I had forgotten that she was the person behind Taylor’s redonk Mad Hatter tea party that her daughter hated.

      And she’s read a book about the brain, so like, she kinda knows more than you. I mean, you think that’s not true, but that’s just your hypothalamus over reacting. (What a LU LU!)

  • There is NO way that Dana is 37 .. really? REALLY? I have gold python underwear. No joke.

    • Is it made from real gold pythons? Because she has a special breeder that injects the unhatched eggs with gold. I’m just saying, she’s fancy. Also, yeah, I’m not buying the 37 either.

  • McFadden Boobypants

    The $25k sunglasses thing ended up on The Soup. I’m going to say it was Joel McHale’s (loving) shout out to you.

    • And I am going to let you say that. You’re welcome. (And seriously. Who the hell buys $25K SUNGLASSES? That’s like buying a $1000 tampon.)

      • McFadden Boobypants

        You mean you don’t?! “Menstrual Blood: You’re Worth It.”

        Tasteless image conscious social climbing people with too much money buy $25k sunglasses. And then they lie about their age. (37?! What the hell ever!)