Last week the girls took naps on wine casks, Deena was constantly on the prowl to “do sex” and Mike was a jerk. Oh, and Snooki called her boyfriend to say she didn’t have sex with Vinny, so they’re back together, but really now, this is her last chance! That is Kool and the Gang with her. Except for how she later finds out she did have sex with Vinny, and immediately calls him to say, oops, we knocked boots, but I love you so it’s okay, right?
We hear bull-snort level heavy breathing on the other end of the line.
“I give you a second chance, and this is what you do?” Um, technically speaking, Jionni, she already did, She didn’t hang up the phone, accidentally fall on Vinny’s penis, and then call you up. Small consolation, I’m sure. He keeps yelling at her, “You ruined me with just making out with someone!”
Snooki twirls her hair, trying to control her lip wobble. “So are we together, then? Or not?”
“I don’t know how to get over this. I wanna puke. I got bile in my guts over this. If people ask, I’m saying that you’re not my girlfriend. I gotta go.” CLICK.
Vinny hollers, “How’d he take it?”
Snooki replies in almost a tra-la-la way, “We’re working on things, I guess.”
I really wonder what color the sun is in her world.
Next day and Snooki is asking for cuddles, but she’s using her booze-soaked noodle this time and wants hugs from Deena. Vinny prairie dogs up and says he’ll cuddle with her! Oh, we know how that ends up, Vin, be careful. Snooki asks Vinny to make Pauly have sex with Deena, please. I liked the little “please” tacked on.
Pauly, blowing his bloody nose, eyes wide, whips his head to the left to look over at the girls. Deena, all casual and stuff, “Wanna do sex?”
HONK! “Is it gonna screw up our friendship?”
Vinny tells the camera that he loves when she hits on him because Pauly is too nice to tell her to cut it out. Pauly then tells the camera that the pressure is on for him to pick up a chick tonight as insurance that there will be no room in his bed for Deena. Oh, Pauly, just pull Vinny in with you. (Wait, that happens later.)
Snooks and Jenni are feeling under the weather that night, so they stay home as everyone else goes out clubbing. They all take hits of 6 Hour energy drink to help clinch an endorsement deal, and hit another packed and awesome Euro-discotheque. Sammi, in a corner, does this weird tremble dance with her hands as her mouth is wide open. It’s finally happened, the lack of fighting has snapped her mind.
Vinny works on getting a girl for Pauly. Girl One: “I got a dildo!” NEXT. Girl Two: touches Pauly’s hair uninvited. NEXT. The camera cuts between shots of Deena getting progressively drunker and Pauly becoming frantic. They finally head home, empty handed.
Pauly straight up tells her that this is bullshit, because he’s too into Vinny. He says, and I quote, “I fuck him in the ass.” And Vinny agrees. I always pictured Vinny as a power bottom, good to know I still can pick ’em out. Pauly only likes a certain kind of meatball, if you know what I mean.
Deena says to herself, “Whatever I’m pretty.” She shambles out into the living room where everyone is still up, and drunkenly slurs at Pauly, “I’m a good fuck, and I have no shame.” SHE REALLY SAYS THIS.
And what? You?! I thought you were full of shame, Miss Deena! I would even go so far as to say you were shameful. Sammi tries to shut her up, but nothing doing. Pauly reassures Deena that if they weren’t friends he would “knock the dust off that pussy.” Can this guy sweet talk a lady, or what?
The next day Deena bemoans her previous night’s breakdown. She’s just super horny and Italian guys aren’t her thing. Mostly because she’s not their thing. (Have you seen an Italian club full of local women? Yeah. It’s like going to the beach in Brazil – the beautiful women are everywhere. Save it for where you’re not painfully outnumbered, Deena.)
Snooki, her leg propped up on the sink so she can spray her lady purse with self-tanner (no, really) just wants to go have lunch and have some fun. The Meatballs get gussied up Jersey-style and hit a “club.” Now, it’s about 11:30am. It looks like they’re going into a club, because they’re shouting at the barker standing at the door, “Music!? DRINKS!” and he waves them in. Deena immediately climbs on the bar and hollers for a DJ and some Cuervo.
They pan out so you can see the “hopping club” and it’s a freaking cafe where families are sitting together having paninos with mortadella. Nothing says mid-day food break like two tourists in leopard print grinding each other on the deli counter. Can we make a rule that these two are no longer allowed in public without a responsible chaperone? And pants?
Back at the house, Pauly is grossed out by how dirty the boy’s bathroom is. The counters are a sticky mess and someone left a toothbrush on it. Well, that was their first mistake. He takes the toothbrush and cleans up some of the mess and then uses it to brush out all of the pubic hairs from their clippers and sets it back on the counter where he found it.
Vinny comes in to give Pauly a haircut, followed by Mike. You know what’s coming, right? Mike starts brushing his teeth with this toothbrush because of course it’s his. And Vinny is doing everything he can to not start cracking up. Pauly marvels that Mike didn’t even notice that it had been used. Now if you’ll excuse me, I need to pour bleach on my toothbrush and then vomit for about nine hours.
Deena and Nicole are totally plastered (what? These two?) and stagger home, pushing old ladies out of their way and using city walls for support. In just a few hours, though, they’re back to normal (half-trashed) and join everyone for their last Saturday night in Italy. Everyone wants to look their best (well, kinda) and Ron wears a blazer, v-neck, and a big chain. Vinny has on some nice dressy lace-ups to which Pauly freaks out. “Communion shoes!” My guess is these kids don’t hit chapel but for the Big Two Holy Days.
The club they hit is insane, and Snooki is in some leopard-print wrap-dress looking like a slutty Jersey version of Betty Rubble. She grinds and wobbles on the dance floor, one leg up on a railing and asks Jenni if her vagina is out. Jenni is getting really tired of this, night after night. She and Sam decide that they’re not participating in this, so they walk off.
The meatballs dance like they imagine strippers would, it’s really bizarre. It’s not to the beat, it’s just crotch, crotch, waggle-waggle, pursed lips, vag-flash. Maybe strippers at a truck stop in the middle of New Mexico dance like that, I don’t know.
Vinny sees a mosh-pit forming (he thinks) then hears some booing. Uh oh, Mike check! Yep, Mike is on a speaker shouting at a group of Italian guys, like he’s someone they shouldn’t mess with. Mike? Everyone should mess with you. Everyone. The crowd instantly rallies behind the locals, and they’re cheering like it’s a football match, in unison, “Shame! Shame!” Some Afrikkaners pop up out of nowhere with Vuvuzellas, and a Brazilian footie pulls his shirt off and waves it over his head to fire up the crowd.
Vinny and Pauly notice that Security is right next to Mike. Uh huh, he’s always brave when there’s backup. They wrangle the cabs, grab him and get out of there. Smart move. Even though the Jersey guys were bigger than the security guards, we know for certain that Mike can’t fight. He can’t even beat up a wall. He can only shout “Fuck you! Come on, tough guy!”
The meatballs don’t want go home yet, so they head to another club. They’ve been drinking since 11:30 am, so you know they’re going to make good decisions. They’re in an isolated part of the club (because they’re there, everyone shifts to the other side of the dance floor) grinding and flashing their bits with a crowd of rowdy Italian dudes shouting at them, and maybe encouraging them to dance sluttier. So you think.
They’re making fun of them, but in Italian, so it takes them a bit to pick up on it. The girls start shoving them back and telling them to leave them alone, to no avail. They go outside to the bar, and the bartender starts making fun of them. Snooki shoves the alcohol bottles to the floor, so the bartender throws a cup of ice at her and the girls get bowed up, ready to fight. Security whisks them out of the club with Deena shouting, “I don’t wanna go!”
They’re pushed in a cab and sent off. They evidently think they’re Ronnie because they call each other “bro” over and over and trash talk the club. They storm up into the house, shouting, and tell everyone how they were mistreated and they weren’t doing anything and Deena even says at one point with all sincerity, “We proved her have like actual manners!” They want to go back to the club and beat people up. It’s like a Dachshund wanting to snap at a Rottweiler.
Sammi wants them to both calm down, Jenni wants to be in Roger’s house living like a grown ass woman, and the two of them walk off. Things have gotten so out of whack that Jenni and Sammi are now buddy-buddy. Guys, this is earth-shattering. Also, remember, Sammi’s not fought with anyone yet. This is like an alternate universe at this point.
Team Meatball calms down and say they want to eat hot dogs. No, they want to heat the hot tub. They’re slurring, is what I’m getting at. They climb in, Snooki in her dress “because I’m fat,” and Deena with a full bladder. Snooki says it’s totally okay to pee in there. While they are soaking in it. Remind me to never ever ever get in their personal space because one, I’ll get a contact high off the alcohol fumes that clearly emanate from their bodies, and two, they are filthy pigs.
After a “good soak,” they change outfits into some more appropriate “we’re not at clubs, we’re going to have breakfast like decent, hard-working people” outfits and head off to find food.
The first open eatery is where they plop themselves at a table and immediately order something alcoholic. They link hands and say Team Meatball Power! Snooki looks to the sky and says, “FORM OF:” and they both lay their heads on their plates and fall asleep for a few minutes. The waiter shoos them out of his-ah business to go ah-home and rest.
They stagger into the house, Pauly gets a look at them and asks, “What’s in the alcohol in this country?” They stumble to their beds, miss them by a country mile, and fall asleep in a sprawl on the tiled floor. So much fun, partying, right? What a blast they have!
It’s Sunday, which means Sunday dinner. Ron instantly reminds everyone that he burns everything he tries to cook on a grill by setting the whole damn thing on fire. He sprays it out with the extinguisher, which immediately qualifies him to be a fireman. That what he tells Sam, anyway.
The two go shopping for replacement food, and Sammi decides to actually cook a meal, sausage and peppers. This is her first time cooking. No fighting from them, Sammi’s cooking, I am starting to hate Snooki, what is this show becoming!?
Jenni asks if someone can wash the dishes so she and Sam can cook, and maybe Deena could contribute?
Mike walks past and laughs, “She never does anything.”
“God I hate you,” Deena spits at him.
“Be a woman and do something!”
She flings a spatula at Mike’s head and shouts, “Shut the fuck up!”
Mike threatens to fight dirty, but Deena scoffs at this. “What, you’re gonna call me fat, Mike? Is that what you want to say? I can lose pounds fa free, but you need about ten grand to fix your fucking face!”
Deena, I just started liking you again. Vinny and Pauly laugh and say, “Man, people don’t like this kid.”
Dinner time, and everyone praises the cooks, hoping it means that the girls will contribute more. This is the first time we’ve not seen one of the guys cooking in four seasons. They all have a moment of saying thanks for the experience, they’ve loved it, but DAMN they cannot wait to get back home. And everyone cheers Ron and Sammi for not fighting. Man, I hope they didn’t just jinx it.
Vinny tells everyone that when they get back to Seaside (because I guess they’re going from the Italy house to the Shore house?) that he’s going back to his old room with his boyfriend, Pauly. Which means that Mike, Sam and Ron will still have a room together. Sammi really doesn’t want to repeat last season’s mistakes, and tries to get Vinny to swap in a “comprimisation” so she and Ron can be alone together.
“Nope. Mike is drama, and me and Pauly are drama free.”
They’re just love, you guys, they’re the best couple on reality TV, let’s face it. Did I mention that Mike is sitting there the whole time? He gets up and leaves, “Whatever,” and hits the pigeon death patio for a little cry. When he remembers that he’s on camera he straightens up and says that Vinny is just a kid that closes down with drama. Mike thrives on it. Yes, yes, Mike we know. It’s called being a dick, not a dude.
Pauly says he just wants their bromance to survive. Sam wants everyone to know she cannot live with that douchebag, Mike. The other girls and Ron agree. Mike can hear all of this, too. He laughs to himself and tells them that maybe he isn’t going to live with them in Jersey, maybe they’ll totally miss him. (Not likely.)
Sad piano music tinkles to let us know we should feel bad for Mike. It’s going to take a lot more than someone playing on only the black keys on the piano to make me feel anything but disgust for Mike, MTV. Mike knuckles away his sniffles and says he’s a big boy that can stand on his own, and he doesn’t need any of them, and he’s beautiful and magnificent and why won’t they like meeeeee?
Vinny tells his boyfriend that either Mike changes, or Mike leaves. And he has his “I grew a beard and am the house’s Dr. Phil” look, so you know things are about to get serious. Pauly, in a voice over, says that Mike tries to “acquaintance” with them, but there’s no MVP anymore, it’s just VP. For ever. Vinny and Pauly sittin’ in a tree, B-A-N-G-I-N-G.
The camera cuts to them in bed (no, really, see?!)
as Vinny says in another voice over that their relationship is beautiful. Yes it is, you sweet little butterfly, it is beautiful and right, and don’t you let anyone tell you otherwise! Love is love, people, even if it’s two Guidos. Pauly then says to Deena to turn off the light because they’re gonna get it in, grabs and opens a condom (where’s the lube, Pauly? You’re gonna hurt my Vin like that?) and Nicole walks in. The camera pans to what appears to be a used condom on the floor.
I love that they’re being safe, most of all. My guess is that you could get the Herp just walking in that house.
Deena gets pulled out of the girl’s bathroom by Mike, who promptly locks himself in. Oh, he’ll kick the door down, make no mistake, but maybe someone could help him? Please? Um, guys? Anyone? Deena cracks up and sneaks out to tell Ron, who also cracks up, and the two of them tiptoe to the door to hear Mike try and figure out how “keys” and “doors” work. Because, you see, the key is in there with him. But he’s locked in. And might have to kick the door down with his karate.
Ron grabs the handle, tells him to “turn the key” and pulls the door off the frame a little bit. Oops! Too much Xenadrine, Ron. After some touch and go seconds of Mike making an L with both hands to remember which direction is which, he finally gets it to work and is free!
Snooki stays in that night, still feeling unwell, while everyone else hits another club. Errbody in de club is having a blast. There’s no drama! Cut to Mike not with everyone. Oh, that’s why. He’s sprawled on a sofa up against some strange guy while trying to look up a girl’s skirt, because he’s classy like that.
And then some guy “gives him the wrong look.” There is no evidence of this happening outside of Mike’s head. So he blows up, fists ready, and starts talking smack again. “Ready to fight? Bitch! Motherfucker!” he’s trying everything he can to get into a fight with some random dude, and the guy looks like he’s ready to knock the smirk off Mike’s ugly mug.
Ron looks over, sees this and shakes his head. Yeah, he’s not interested. Ditto with Vinny and Pauly, too. No one has Mike’s back so he sneaks out of the club without having to not fight this guy, and Charlie Browns it home. Wah wah. He tries to make it seem like he’s too cool, too above the others, when he really just wants them to be his friends. Mama, why don’t they like me? Sniff!
He sits out on the patio knowing he’s safe because the pigeons are sleeping, and says out loud, “I’m always the bad guy. Imagine when there’s no bad guy. Who’s gonna be the bad guy?” Ominous music of bad portent plays, and I have no idea why. Is he saying he’s going to turn one of the dudes bad? Does he actually know how to put words together into coherent sentences?
NEXT WEEK, the PENTULTIMATE EPISODE OF THE SEASON! The gang is forced to check out some of the local culture and have to decide which will be less irritating: art or history? They check out David’s buns and Ron lays it out for Mike: you’re a dick and no one likes you.