Bridget wistfully hovers over a sleeping-off-the-junk Juliet, while on the night table the largest PB Teens lamp I’ve seen yet shines, just waiting to be broken in a future screaming fight.
Andrew comes back to the apartment, and did I mention last week how he looks all spy caper-ish with his turtleneck, bag, and strappy suede jacket? The funniest part is that Andrew is privy to exactly NONE of the mysteries so far, and yet he’s the best dressed for solving them. He tells Bridget he’s worried about Gemma not being at her apartment when he responded to her call (or at least, puffy!Henry blocking the way inside). Bridget agrees to call Gemma in the morning.
It’s clean-up time at the Butler residence! Henry is finally acting industrious, but is he writing? Nope, he’s bleaching the blood-stains off the wall, covering up muurrderrrr! Hey Henry, remember how your novel is crap? THIS would be great fodder for a plot. Don’t just scrub, take notes. But Henry is too distracted by the shards of yet another broken vase on the floor, which brings my vase-broken-in-a-fit-of-anger count for this show up to: THREE!
Bridget calls Gemma all right, but she’s mainly suspicious Gemma was going to spill the beans of her true identity and various other delicious tidbits to spy!Andrew. “I thought we came to an understanding,” says Bridget, unmindful of the fact that she completely ratted on Gemma to Henry in her own tricky manipulation of the situation.
Meanwhile, Juliet comes in with super short shorts; Andrew wants her to change, and Bridget agrees the outfit is “a little fabric challenged.” Bridget says this with a completely straight face, given that she’s wearing a little bandeau of a skirt herself. Juliet argues it’s public school, “which means I can wear whatever I want. The poor kids do it every day,” and again Juliet gets title! *pauses for applause*
Juliet sulks but agrees to change, and then when Andrew is out of the room, hands Bridget her stash because she says she really does want to put her “best foot forward”. And now poor Bridget hears the siren call of sweet, sweet addictive drugs, poor kid.
Then we get a back-and-forth sequence of sexy crime-ing it up! First, Henry continues his productive day by burying his little bag of bloody rags and broken vase in a dumpster. Next, Bridget is going to get rid of the drugs, but that powdered oxycontin’s a-callin’! While Bridget dithers, Henry keeps on crossing off another item on his to-do list, namely dumping Gemma’s car in long-term parking at JFK airport. Still indecisive about whether to fall right off the wagon, Bridget calls Charlie to beg him to help with her stash-holdin’ woes.
Finally the regular phone rings, breaking up all these scene-bitlets, and prompting Bridget to hide the stash in a drawer. It’s Matty Smithfield, a randomly named random person from Gemma’s office who drops off the keys to the loft that Gemma’s no longer working on. Oh, and by the way, she hasn’t been able to reach Gemma this morning, and hasn’t seen her, is it possible she’s been muurrrrdeerrred?
Here we are at public school, and yay, we’ve got Jason Dohring doing the sympathetic teacher bit! “It’s a better school than it looks,” he tells a skeptical Juliet, who immediately gets hit up for money by a rather delicate looking pretty bully. Juliet hands over twenty instead of the requested five, and says, “There, now you and your family can eat for a whole month.” Class insensitivities much, Juliet? Someone needs to get signed up for soup-kitchen volunteering stat.
Bridget shows up at Gemma and Henry’s Gramercy park place, and Andrew orders her to “Get inside, now!” because he’s a creepy creeper. “Where is she?” Andrew asks, “I saw the blood on the walls when I got home…tell me what you did to my wife!” WHA-HUH? This I was not expecting! A mid-episode twist of epic proportions! So he thinks Bridget!Siobhan killed Gemma because she “was a threat to your suddenly perfect marriage”, and tells her how he got rid of all the evidence. Bridget denies killing Gemma; puffy!Henry puffs up and denies it right back. Hey, did Bodaway kill Gemma (but why the hell did he do that), or maybe it’s someone from Siobhan’s as-yet-unclear criminal past on an architect-killing spree?
Turns out Henry has a valid reason for suspecting Siobhan would kill Gemma; namely, because eight months ago (flashback time!), Siobhan wished both Andrew and Gemma “would disappear” and offered, “Maybe we could take matters into our own hands?” She’s all wide-eyed little-girl innocent until Andrew says, “Oh my god, you’re serious,” to which she replies, “Do you want me to be?” Dramatic pause, and then Siobhan laughs, “God, I’m joking! You’re so gullible. It’s a good thing you’re so adorable!”
Back in the present, Bridget also reasonably claims never to have had this conversation (because Siobhan is the one who did, duh), and claims she would never do anything to hurt Gemma, sheesh, what kind of woman does he think she is? Henry counters that Siobhan cheated with her BFF’s husband, got pregnant with his kid, and dumped him for no reason, so “Tell me more what a woman like you would never do.” He emphasizes he did all his dirty-deed clean-up because he loves her so, pleading, “come on, I’m trying to help you Siobhan, you know me!” and she retorts, “No, I don’t know you, and I never did.”
Finally we’re back in Wyoming where Victor Machado will presumably finally do something about potentially!dead!Malcolm. Oh, and hey, it’s that detective from the pilot, the one who petite Bridget somehow knocked down, handcuffed, and stole his gun! You know, I don’t think he’s the most reliable partner to have for this gig, Agent Machado. Just sayin’. They’ve recovered Malcolm’s car, see spots of blood in the garage, and find a pile of cigarette butts from the thugs who waited for Malcolm. They send the cigs out for DNA testing and decide now’s a great time to visit Bodaway Macawi, when they have no real evidence, no warrant, and where did these two get their FBI training, good god?
Poor Malcolm, still getting beaten and taunted with the thugs cooking junk in front of him. At first he says, “Go to hell,” but soon enough he’s breaking down and promises to tell them everything he knows. I don’t believe it (because how awesome has Malcolm been before about saying he’ll give in and then trying to escape?) but we don’t get a chance to find out, because they pull back the heroine spoon and say “Maybe tomorrow.”
Back to Juliet and her powder puff pretty bully. She wants Juliet to know Juliet made a serious mistake tangling with her cute little self. Juliet pretends concern: “I didn’t park in your space, did I? No wait, the short buses don’t have spaces.” Burn! Everyone gets excited as the bully squeaks, “Are you sure you want to shoot that rich girl mouth off?” and tells her to apologize while slamming Juliet into the lockers. People around begin placing bets and ordering popcorn, because it’s on, Juliet shrieks and flings herself at her itsy-bitsy nemesis! Sympathetic!teacher runs up to pull them off each other, and looks shocked and disappointed at Juliet (presumably because she didn’t just pay someone to take out her cream puff enemy).
Bridget starts a boring scene of again calling Gemma’s phone (“You’ve reached Gemma; don’t be boring” is now getting boring). She finds the stash again, gazes at it longingly, but someone grabs her from behind and slaps a hand over her mouth! Wow, those Narcotics Anonymous sponsors are thorough at not letting you take drugs! But no, it’s not Charlie in a heroic attempt to stop Bridget from doing drugs by any means, but puffy!Henry, who just wants to talk. Most people who want to talk don’t start out with the whole muzzling/restraining bit, but okay.
Henry believes her now that she didn’t hurt Gemma, but wants her to believe him, “she is the mother of my children Siobhan.” I believe him, if only because Henry just doesn’t seem good at getting anything accomplished. Bridget tells him to call the cops, but he’s understandably reluctant to explain why he Mr. Clean-ed the crime scene. He tries to convince her they’re in this together, because the cops will figure out the two of them were having an affair. She says she needs time to think, and shunts Henry off onto the elevator so she can take the call from Charlie.
Charlie and Bridget meet at a coffee shop and she gives him the stuff. He puts it in the trash can, which seems…irresponsible, actually, and tells her she did the right thing by reaching out for help. The main thing, he says, is “you can look her right in the eye, and say you have no regrets.” He means herself, of course, because there’s a mirror conveniently located next to their table. Bridget looks at her reflection and gets a world’s worth of wigging out compressed into a single moment of mirrors! twins! doubling! hot damn, my hair looks great today! sorts of revelations. She runs like hell, while Charlie looks wryly hipster-ish-ly curious.
Calling Henry to tell him she believes him, Bridget scolds him for covering up the evidence and then gets him to tell her exactly where he dumped the rags. She says “I can’t let that happen,” that the two of them might be connected.
Back to Wyoming, Machado and his incompetent detective friend head into Bodaway’s club, inquiring, “The name Malcolm Warner mean anything to you?” Bodaway denies knowing Malcolm even though Machado persists in saying he was a friend of Bridget’s, and hey, remember Bridget? “You choked to death one of your dancers in front of her?” I thought he dismembered the dancer, but okay, choking might have been first on the agenda. But guess what, they don’t have a warrant yet, and Bodaway’s thugs won’t let them in. Jeezum crow, Agent Machado, why don’t you just walk into the club with robot arms flailing about, beeping and saying, “Warning, warning! Dispose of Malcolm Warner before we come back with a warrant!”
Juliet pleads with the principal that she didn’t start with the fight, despite everyone else saying Tessa was the one Juliet attacked out of nowhere. She argues that it’s her first day, of course she doesn’t have people who would defend her or take her side. But the principal has Juliet’s file from her last school: “Most people would call this a permanent record. It reads more to me like a rap sheet.” Andrew arrives, and the principal wants to speak to him in private, while Juliet finds herself stuck in the classic girl-who-lied-about-drugs-and-sex-and-everything situation, not believed when she tells the truth. She goes to wait outside the office, all tank-toppy and weepy.
Next shot, Bridget is at the dumpster, poking around to find the bag of evidence Andrew threw away. Then she calls the police by payphone, and oh my god, can you believe Bridget is actually going to find a payphone that isn’t broken? But she does, and tips the police off to the evidence and the foul-play.
The police show up at Henry’s place and get ready to haul him off to the precinct. They ask him if he knows anything about a bag of rags, and he’s shocked, realizing Bridget must have betrayed him. While he gets put into the back of a cop car, Bridget peeks around a telephone poll and calls Charlie to say she wants him to be her new sponsor. His condition; it has to be a regular thing, not just when she thinks she needs help. She dithers about how she’s got a hectic schedule, dealing with a druggie step-daughter, trying to convince spy!Andrew to knock her up (I mean, that has to happen at some point, right?), the whole stolen/imitated identity thing, blah blah blah, but says he can trust her because those things (the stash) are the relics of her old life, and she wants to keep the new one. Good luck with that, B.
Machado gets pulled away from what looks to be some delicious cheeseburgers and fries when it turns out the DNA on those cigarettes matched one of Bodaway’s thugs. He and easily-overcome!detective hightail it back to Bodaway’s strip club, order the patrons to leave and turn off the music. They knock down the basement door, and surprise, surprise, there is NO ONE IN THE DAMN BASEMENT, because Bodaway and his thugs took advantage of Machado’s helpful earlier warning visit. Where’s Malcolm, damn it?
Juliet cries more (cry more, Juliet!), waiting for her father and the principal. Sympathetic!teacher Mr. Carpenter tells her he knows what it’s like to be the new kid, because he was a military brat moved around by his father. “He ever call you a liar?” Juliet asks, and when he says no, she says, “Then you’re one-up on me.” She sobs that she really thought she could take advantage of a fresh start, but must have been kidding herself. But lo and behold, when the principal and Andrew emerge, Mr. Carpenter claims he saw the entire fight, and Tessa started it!
Juliet tips Mr. Carpenter off that she knows he lied for her. Carpenter says he’s had Tessa in his classroom before, and knows what kind of student she is (not only can’t he save ’em all, but he’s prepared to leave some of ’em in the dust!). “Everyone deserves a fresh start,” he tells her, and she’s all assessing the chances of whether he’ll sleep with her, because you know that’s what’s next for that storyline!
Henry, in the interrogation area, is very upset, claiming nothing looks familiar to him from the photos of the broken vase (lying liar). He looks super guilty (doesn’t he?) as he gets teary and thinks Siobhan sold him down the river. But after a quick chat in the other room, the detective comes back to tell him not to cry himself into an even more puffy state, because they’re letting him go suddenly, obviously having found some evidence prompting them to let him walk.
Bodaway smirks up a storm at the frustrated Machado, who surely should consider finding someone less prone to tipping off criminals to handle this case. But then Machado gets a call from Henry’s questioner/detective, Elizabeth Soldana, who has found some fingerprints on evidence that might interest him: “Perp’s file had your contact info on it.” Dun dun duuunnnn!
Guess whose prints are on the broken vase, fa la la la la, la la la la! Bridget’s prints are on the broken vase, fa la la la la, la la la laaaaa! Hey, wasn’t she wearing gloves? Next time, don’t settle for imitation leather, Bridget; it does leave marks!
At home, Andrew’s there to greet Bridget and tells her to sit down for some bad news. He breaks the shocking information that Gemma’s missing and a victim of foul play (blah blah blah, we all say at home), and Bridget does a bang-up job of looking confused and crying a little. Andrew mentions he’s going to reschedule things with Oliva, who is expecting him (take that, Olivia! And by the way, show up again soon, so we can nitpick your office-wear). Bridget’s phone rings. It’s Agent Machado, saying he’s sorry about Gemma and asking, “Can you think of any reason why your sister would want to hurt Gemma?” because “We found some fingerprints that implicate Bridget.”
Bridget flashes back to digging up the evidence puffy!Henry tossed, and hey, she did take off her gloves and put her own fingerprints on them ON PURPOSE. In the apartment, she walks to stand by the picture of Siobhan and look conflicted. I guess she’s doing this to help Henry out, implicating Bridget, who is her, now that she is Siobhan? I can’t think of another reason for her to throw a Bridget-whereabouts clue in the FBIs face, because wouldn’t she rather that trail of evidence grow cold otherwise? And what’s puffy!Henry going to think about all this? Meanwhile, WHERE THE HELL ARE THE CHILDREN? Remember, Henry and Gemma’s children? You know them. Oh, you don’t? Because we haven’t seen them even once? All righty, then.
We’re swept away to the magic of Paris, France, for the one and only time this episode, so that the real Siobhan can get a call and hear, “the Gemma problem has been taken care of.” She looks upset but resigned, saying, “I didn’t want it to have to come to this.” Hey. Hey hey hey. What does Siobhan have to gain from Gemma’s death? Is she atually helping Bridget live her (Siobhan’s) life? Or would Gemma’s confession to Andrew, or some other action of Gemma’s, have messed up Siobhan’s plans of staging her death, killing her twin, and defrauding Andrew’s company (and perhaps taking over the world as a side project)?
Tune in next week to — oh damn, we’re on hiatus until November 1? Bah, see you then. *mopes and swoons so hard she gives Juliet a run for the Angstiest Sulker Award*