Twilight Saga: Breaking Dawn Part One

Um, this is going to hurt. A lot. Love you!

I’m breaking the rules here at HDJM by reviewing something that I do NOT love.  Well, I love to hate it, so there we go.  If you’re interested in my views on Twilight, I posted a series where I point out all of the flaws and how Mormon the books are, the LDS Sparkledammerung.  This is more of an MSTK3, because we all kinda hate it, don’t we?

First off, let’s just establish right off the bat that this did not need to be two damn movies. Do you have a frantic race from orcs in the Mines of Moria? Or a massive battle with The Bride and the Crazy 88s? No? Then learn how to edit. Oh, wait, that’s a problem with the books, too. Then again, these movies are total lady-bait with loads of staring and breathing and staring intensely and intense breathing. 

Also, there were a lot of dudes at my theater. One in particular was all by himself, as well. (He was the only other person I noticed who came alone. I wouldn’t force this on a friend, I’m cool like that.)

We open on a rainy day and Jacob throwing a stupid ass invitation into the stupid ass ground for that stupid buttface Bella and Edward’s wedding, gross, and the rain masks his tears, you guys, because HE loves Bella. And he has a pulse. (And morphing back to being a human is like an instant-wax job, which is nice if you’re not into pelts? Pity.)

Awkward Bella with her atrophied muscles and her ‘oops, I’m so silly I can barely stand and walk!’ lady legs shuffles around in high heels, trying to figure out how they work, ha ha! She’s just like you and me, you guys! Bjork-Alice is amused by this adorable creature, the way she complains and tells them to quit doting on her, to stop buying her things, and to stop all the effort Alice has put into this wedding. Bella just can’t bring herself to even smile, but that’s okay!

Bella goes home after glancing intensely at Edward through a window, to stare intensely at her bedroom’s surroundings, because tomorrow she’ll be singing, “Toniiiiiiiight! I celebrate my looooooove for you!” so this is kind of her last night as a ‘little girl’. She gone be a murried lady now.

And of course Edward is just there in her room, all of a sudden, sneaking in for old time’s sake. Well, he just wanted to stalk on by so he could say that he’s been a naughty vamp in the past, and she needed to know all about his rumspringa of human blood. We see him follow a woman out of a theater, and just when you think he’s going to eat her, he grabs a man following her. Oh does he now? Edward just got way more interesting.

Oh, rats. He just wants to suck the dude’s blood, and it was okay for him to feed on LOTS AND LOTS OF MEN we’re told, because they were bad guys, at least that’s the lie Edward tells himself so he can not sleep at night because…he doesn’t sleep. Bella is very heart-eyes and “I don’t care if you killed people, you’re good now, also, you probably SAVED lives by taking some. I really want to finally have sex, so don’t back out on me now, buddy.”

Emmett tries out his stalker skills to pop in just when Edward and Bella start French kissing so he can take Edward to his bachelor party. …where they’re going to eat a mountain lion or bear. Fun times screwing over the natural balance of nature, whee! Also, there’s a rootbeer keg and a Sorry! tournament because it’s a PARTY.

Soft music of virginity and hymens plays as Bella grabs at her neck and looks at all of her silly, childish things. #Justvirginalgirlthings

White wedding time! Everyone is in white, with crimson accents and Bella is so happy and she sees Ed there and then eh meh ghed, the Volturri! (The Catholic vampires) and then Ed’s all bloody and wait, she’s all bloody, and the camera pulls back and all of the guests are dead and bloody and ARRANGED LIKE A WEDDING CAKE WHERE SHE AND EDWARD ARE THE TOPPERS! Whaaaaaaaaat??? See, now that’s a movie I could have gotten behind!

Pah, it was only a dream. Dammit, Twilight… She gets ready, we’re all reminded she has parents who think she’s great and think her getting married at 18 is great, and her not wanting college or anything for just herself is great. Great! (They still don’t know about the Mormon Vampires and eternal life in heaven though.)

Her friends from school all assume she’s pregnant, otherwise, why is she getting married so soon? Hahaha, finally, something realistic. Bella freaks out as she’s beginning the wedding march, while her dad holds on looking grim. She can’t look anywhere but at her feet, looking like she might bolt, throw up, cry or all three. She finally glances up and sees Edward.

Now I am okay. Now I can walk. Now I can liiiiiiiiiiiive!

Until he kills you, like you asked, that is, right Bells?. The song from their first dance plays as they say their vows, “I promise to always sparkle for you and forsake all other illumination. I promise to share the Wolverine blood, I mean wolverine because we don’t eat people” and so on. The theater I was in was absolutely silent. Everyone hanging on this: it’s why we’re here!

They kiss, it goes on way too long. You know those weddings where you see tongue and pants tenting and it’s like, come on, guys, you got a room, just go there and let us eat your shitty dry cake. The other Mormon Vampires (they’re even blonde! With Golden Plates, er, Eyes!) congratulate her on becoming one of them.

One vampire chick looks seriously constipated for a moment. Oh, never mind, it’s just an allergic reaction to werewolves. The vamp storms off in a huff, because how dare Bella invite her were-friend to her wedding! Emmett gives an incredibly awkward and suggestive toast, then Bella’s “friend” Jessica insults her, marvels that Ed wasn’t picking up what she was putting down, and is a bitch (meaning I find her wonderfully entertaining), and then a montage of really lame jokes from everyone is outdone by Bella’s mother crooning a lullaby into the microphone to her daughter. OH MY GOD, MOM.

Someone cuts her off; she’s had enough to drink. (There’s always one.) And please note that it’s very clear she is leaving her family and friends forever to take on his family. There’s no way they can say, “Hey, undead now, but we can still have Sunday dinner?” Nope.

Then Edward gives a toast where he says how much better his life is because of Bella. And now he doesn’t have to keep oiling her window casings to silently stare at her while she sleeps. Yay! (Now picture Rpatz staring at her like the possessed chick in the first Paranormal Activity. Ha ha. Again, would be a much better movie.)

Ed takes Bella to the woods (hey-o!) to see something he has “special for her” (hey-now!) and it’s just Jacob (hey–! Rats.) In the book he shows up in cut off sweat pants, right? Well, I was denied that bit of hilariousness as Jake’s in normal pants and a button down, and they dance slowly and it’s weird that they’re totally eye-boning each other and she just got married, right?

…right?

It gets inappropriate fast by him saying he’s sorry it’s the last time she’ll be a human. Oh, no, she’s not going to do “that” yet (be turned into a vampire, which hurts) because she “didn’t want to spend [her] honeymoon writhing in pain.” UM. She wants to spend it bumping marble with her new man, but Jacob says this could kill her.

La petite mort, yes. No, no, like, actually KILL her. Because those thrusts of vampires? Go right through your spine, man. You have to have a vampire-diamond lady bucket to take it. He’s pissed and threatens to kill Edward if his boning Bella kills her. Fun wedding conversation, amirite guys?!

Time to leave. They have her in an adorable beige shift with a wee black bow at the waist (I can be nice!) and there’s just tons of dead space with everyone waving goodbye, Bella looking at each one, more waving, slowly driving away (in the Volvo, ha), them looking out the window, looking at their joined hands, looking out the window and just get somewhere, already. This whole thing took like 56 minutes.

There’s a pained wail in the woods that had me clapping my hand over my mouth, because it was like the sound chip in a Three Wolves Braying card you get in the Tetons to send home to your Geemaw because she loves “western stuff.”

They fly to Brazil, see street urchins and people enjoying life. They walk through the crowd, people are making out, dancing sexy, and Edward keeps a stiff upper lip and walks her through the riff-raff to climb into a boat. (Chris Craft, nice!) Esme (his “mom”) has her own island. When I say she has her own island, I mean it’s called Isle Esme. It’s a tropical paradise, a truly stunning home that is decorated perfectly. Bella walks around the place, sees the bed, Edward comes in, and the deep, dirty base line of loving starts to-

Oh, no, he just has her bags. Maybe they could go for a swim? Sounds good to Bella. Rock music plays as she takes, like, four hours to freshen up before getting in the ocean. It’s like there’s a fetish for deflowering prep happening here. She tells herself to not be a coward, and goes out there in a towel, sucks it up and walks out to him where they embrace and the camera pans to the full moon. (“AroooOooooOOooo!” Jacob cries, although he doesn’t know why!)

But don’t worry, there are some sexy times filmed. We see no sparkle peen, and in fact, not once did I see any of them sparkle. I was denied once again of my rainbow sparkles – which is how it is actually described in the book. Ed is worried he’s going to Dolph Lundgren her (I must break you) but she just wants to get laid, Edward, good lord, have sex with your wife. I  mean… jeez. Can’t you control yourself?

It cuts to bedroom shenanigans, and it’s pretty hot, I have to say. Lots of fast cuts that fans of Buffy the Vampire Slayer will recognize from Buffy and Angel’s love scene. (Just pointing that out, ahem.) Edward smashes his fists through the headboard, because he’s super strong, and the audience just laughed and laughed, oh, that superhuman vampire! What a scamp.

She wakes with feathers drifting around, sees the bed is completely shattered. She touches her lips as “Now that I’m a woman….everything has changed!” plays (not really) and there is a sweet moment when she thinks back on their love making and is obviously happy and overcome by it, and then Edward is a dick with his gruff voice and expressionless face asking, “How bad do you hurt?”

“Hmm? I’m just fine!” Nope, she’s bruised to hell and back, and Edward whirls away, angry at himself for letting Bella convince him to touch her, I ARE SORREH, he cries. Way to kill the mood, jerk, because she isn’t!  She hadn’t even gotten to third base with you before, and sex rocks! And you know, it would be pretty nice if he could just say she didn’t suck, or something, yeesh.

He says there will be no more sex until she turns, because he gets to decide this stuff? So they play chess! And go on hikes! (Where he runs away from her constantly.) And more chess! And her walking by him in sexy lingerie and him covering her body with a blanket, dropping a forehead kiss like she’s a child! And more chess! Bella knocks him over (see? She won a chess game with the queen!) and starts having sex on him (he’s not responding) when everything shakes and is weird and it cuts to her in bed and all of that was a dream. Or nightmare, because who the hell wants to play chess on their honeymoon?

She then, and I’m not joking, begs him to have sex with her. Fiiiiiiiine, eye roll. The next day, the housekeepers come (they have their own boat, I guess?) and are horrified and grossed out by Edward because they know. They know. The audience lost their shit as the housekeepers carried out the busted bed.  They were just jollied up that he banged her like a screen door!  Ha, how precious.

Bella wakes up the next day, makes food, like, a lot of it. She eats a piece of chicken that hasn’t been fully cooked and stares at the blood. Edward pops in, she races to the bathroom and throws up. She does calendar math and realizes her period is late. No. Nooooooo. She looks in the mirror at her perfectly flat belly, and feels something inside.

Edward freaks out, Bjork-Alice calls (she can see the future) and Bella tells everyone – without an EPT test, even – that she’s pregnant. Edward grabs the phone, listening to Carlisle (his dad) and has horror wash over his features.

YES, EDWARD, IT’S TRUE. Her feet are going to get fat. And she is going to want all the pillows now. And she is going to cry for no reason and be really hot, no, wait, she’s really cold, and just go back to the store and get her some damn ice cream. Deal with it.

Time to go home! She’s excited about the baby, but Edward isn’t. He pulls the housekeeper over to her, wanting to know if there are some jungle rituals she would know about this sort of thing (No, really) and she’s all, “I don’t know nuthin’ about birthin’ no maybe-babies!” Wait, maybe she does. She touches Bella, whispers “death” and goes back to scrubbing lime scale.  You just have to stay on top of that stuff, you know?

Edward hates the thing in her, but Bella’s all, “Not without my beh-beh!” and Edward goes, “No, for we shall cut it from you and smite it with great smoting and then I will frown heavily upon it!”

Jacob goes home, finds out from Billy that Bella’s sick. He thinks this means she’s becoming a vampire. He has eyes of mourning and rage! He stands under a street lamp in a white tank, angry at himself, at life, tearing at his clothes, yelling, “BELLA!” He calls the Cullens’ house to find out the deets, goes over there, and they all make a big deal about hiding her. She’s been there for a few weeks already.

The Big Reveal! Oh, wait, she just looks really sick and has a lot of blankets. That are hiding her ginormous preggo belly! There are sores and crap all over it, too, seen as her shirt hitches up some. Why haven’t they gotten it out? Seems that Bella now has a diamond uterus, and nothing’s getting in. Vampires are kind of made of diamonds, if you didn’t realize that. (Which is why they sparkle. No. REALLY. God dammit, America, shame on you for loving this.)

Bella hollers at them, “My body, my choice, remember?” Shut up, honey, the men are talking. Carlisle is going to turn her at the last minue, if her heart can take it. (Mine can’t, you guys. Is she going to make it???!?) Edward gives Jake permission to kill him if Bella dies. “Okey dokey!”

Jake and Bella chill, just hanging and catching up on old times, you know, and ferserius, this baby is a miracle, Jake! Also, I think it’s a boy. Jake tears his hair, “I want you to liiiiive!” Oh, silly pants, it’s going to work out, Bella just knows it. Except for some horrifyingly painful twitches inside her body, which grosses Jake out enough that he runs away, turning into a wolf as soon as he’s outside.

And then we get a super-long and wholly unnecessary run through the woods in Wolf-View where it flashes red and memories whirl by along with snarling wolf faces (that look like the harbinger of The Nothing from Neverending Story) and lots of really awful overdubs of the human voices  for the wolves having an argument and sharing thoughts.

The leader of the pack (vroom, vroooom!) wants to kill Bella and the baby. Really, it’s the most sensible solution. Oh, HALE naw, they fight, and the overly dramatized voice overs and really “powerful music” remind us to care. Jake isn’t going to back down, though, and he says very woodenly, “I was born to lead! I AM WOLF.” or something as the music practically crawls into your lap, shaking your shoulders so you will care, because this is so dramaticals!

Jake quits the gang (blood in, blood out) and two other characters join him so he’s not always by himself talking. Seth and Leah just want to belong to something, Jake, gosh.

The Cullens – in the bright of day with nary a sparkle – have on the worst makeup. Their hair is obviously just a pile of cheap wigs, their face powder looks like they stepped out of a 17th Century French boudoir, and it’s just…they had four movies to fix that. It looks like makeup, it doesn’t look like they’re another species. Ugh.

There’s talk about imprinting (where you see someone and fall in love and it’s forever and there’s nothing you can do about it and you’re compelled to be with them always) and it’s gross. Edward does a Google search on “Evil half vampire babies” and comes up with like, way too many hits for something that specific. Emmett turned off the Net Nanny so there are lady parts shown, and Edward is too much of a closeted gentleman to look at that. He storms off.

There’s a full-on hospital in the house, and Bella gets an x-ray. Her bones are breaking from the monster kicks from her monster baby, and her new father-in-law tells her that she’s probably going to die, so…. Shoulder pat, forced smile.

Also, she has had on the same ratty sweats and blue t-shirt since she got back from her honeymoon. Can’t they dress her? Think of the bed sores!  MRSA is no joke, okay?

Edward reminds Bella that he hates the baby, and he will not love it if she dies. Nice, bro. Rosalie helps her get into a bath and you can see how skeletal she looks (and she does, you can see the nub on top of her shoulders) and Edward seethes as he sees her, because he loves making Bella feel aces about herself.

More inappropriate Jake moments the next day where he curls up with Bella to make her warm as she paws at him (her in-laws are right there). She starts writhing in pain and Jake figures out that the monster inside probably wants blood.

WHY DIDN’T THE ROOM FULL OF VAMPIRES THINK OF THAT?

And of course there just happens to be loads of O neg in the house (you always want to be prepared when guests pop in) and they give her some in a sippy cup because Bella is all oopsie doodles with spills and stuff. She says, “tastes like the best smoothie ever, look at my bloody teeth?” and the vampires say “Hooray!” for she is one of them. Kind of. Montage of more blood drinking, and nope, hospitals didn’t need that blood, not at all.  Fuck you, ERs of the nation!

She calls her dad and says she’s “still sick, still out of town, and is going to Switzerland to a spa health clinic thingy, definitely not about to die, love you pops!” CLICK. Edward eventually apologizes for being a douche, gives her a sippy cup of blood (he even added a little B+ for flavor – it’s the vampire version of cinnamon sprinkles) and then it’s realized that Edward, who can read minds, can hear the baby.

The baby is so happy, you guys! The baby loves them, do they love the baby? Yes, yes, they do, and if Bella could bend over and kiss her own belly, she would. She sobs brokenly, “I love you, baby!” I AM NOT MAKING THIS UP.

Jacob walks in and sees them happy and decides that he’s going to challenge his family to keep her safe. There’s an elaborate (read: unnecessary) ruse where he fakes out Seth and Leah and the other wolves to think he’s going to kill the baby, when really what he’s done is allowed Carlisle and Esme to go out for a bite to eat, oh and Emmett, too.

Jake goes to talk with Bella who has picked names. EJ for a boy (Edward Jacob, gag) or Renesme for a girl. The audience cackled, so amusing are these men humoring the little pregnant lady, aha ha! And that’s when she collapses like her spine just got twisted and snapped. Oh, because it did.

THE SCENE WE’VE ALL BEEN WAITING FOR!

They drug her, realize the guy that’s the actual doctor is out on a date, and they freak. Her belly is all distended and mottled with bruises. Rosalie takes a scalpel and decides to give her a C-Section and freaks out at the blood, wanting to taste it like a proper vampire (finally!). Oh, and Bella screams because OUCH HEY THAT IS MY SKIN. She’s in agony and we see from her POV Edward leaning over her body, she shrieks, he does it again, his face is all bloody – there are these metalic ripping noises, and then he jams his hands in some guts and pulls out a wee little baby, totally covered in gore, just like its daddy.

Bella is fading, Edward hands it over to her, she screams (did it bite her boob?) and then she slips into unconsciousness. She’s positively skeletal. Edward pulls out a massive syringe, jams it into her; it’s filled with his “venom” which should turn her. He starts CPR, doesn’t know if it’s working, and Jake says woodenly (the kid can’t act) “Serves you right!” and runs away for a cry and a howl at the moon.  Longest full moon cycle ever.  I’m surprised there’s not world-wide flooding.

(Note: the audience went BANANAS.  One lady near me made disgusted, horrified sounds. Did you NOT read the book? Edward eats the baby out of her! And if you did and you’re grossed out by that, why on earth are you here??)

Edward continues CPR, screaming, “Come on! Come on! Don’t you go dying on me!” and starts biting her all over, her neck, arms, legs, toe, guts, wherever, and there are really obnoxious, squishy sounds as he does.

Cut to the coolest visual in the movie: her blood stream being overtaken with…water? Venom? Doesn’t matter, it’s jacking everything up inside of her. Everything is dying, morphing into something new, and she’s seizing from the pain of it all. But only in her mind, because they all just see her looking like a corpse.

Rosalie rocks the baby, Jake creeps up on her, ready to kill it when he sees the baby’s face (it’s already looking a few months old now) and he flashes all “Somewhere In Time- like” on the baby growing up through the years to become a beautiful woman and HE LOVES HER, oh, how he loves this future one-day woman and it’s the baby now but his true love SOON and they’ll be together for ever. He is destined to be with this baby. (Read that shit again.  HE IS NOW IN LOVE WITH A NEWBORN.)

He falls to his knees, worshipful. No, really.

Edward kisses Bella, grabs his siblings and challenges the wolves outside, because they’re ready to fight it out now. Attack! The vampires are out numbered, and it’s dark so you can’t see the action, really, but when Emmett, Carlisle and Esme show up, they’re able to hold the wolves back.

AND THEN. Jake comes out, Edward knows he’s “imprinted” on his daughter (awk-ward) and he stares at the wolves. “I am in love! You cannot kill her!” And they won’t because that’s their highest law: no killing imprinted things. The wolves all back down, super cowed by the ferocity of need in Jake (or maybe the creepiness of it all, yeah, that’s what I’m going with) and the music reminds us that this is intense! There are several moments of intense staring! This means something! I guess!

They wash Bella’s body, put her in some new clothes, finally, and as we watch, the camera pulls into her blood stream where her insides are baptized by water (or venom?) and she is made whole. Her hair has luster! Her skin divine! Her broken bones healed! She is resurrected anew and now she is beautiful like a princess as her brain wakes back up and gives her coma memories of everything ever about Edward, because that’s all that matters, oh wait, okay, so here’s a shot of her parents – eyeroll – and then more Edward.

Her heart stops. She’s alive! Or, she’s undead! Tight close up on her face, her eyes open! AND THEY’RE RED.  Bum bum buuuuum!

Oh noes! The thing we expected to happen has happened! What is happening? You’ll have to wait for Part Two to find out. (Hint: they un-live happily ever after.)

Please like & share:
  • TBQ

    1) I’m so glad you did comments on the movie

    2) For some reason it was only today that I realized that Bella scheduled her honeymoon for when she was on her period. I don’t even know where to begin with that one.

    • 1) it is my pleasure. kind of. ;)
      2) UM. SHE MARRIED A VAMPIRE? Girlfriend was thinking of others, that’s why she planned it that way.

      Oh wait, these aren’t proper vampires. Never mind!

    • Karin

      Perhaps she didn’t know they were staying for so long…? And it says in the book she wants the wedding exactly a month before she turns 19, the thirteenth of august. So yeah, she probably didn’t put much thought into the whole period thing.

      And to comment on text and not the comments…Where to begin.. Uhm, writing a whole freaking book on how much you hate Twilight and why makes you look a little bit pathetic, Stone. Just thought you should know.

      • Oh, bless your heart, Karin. You must be new to the Internet. You can close articles you don’t like! Enjoy your time browsing with this newfound power! :)

        • txvoodoo

          Totally impossible to be more pathetic than these books/movies ;)

          And if you can’t rejoice in their absolute hideousness, what fun is there in them?

        • donna m

          *squints* Do you even go here?

          • Brunettepet

            This response made me laugh out loud.

      • Gill

        She is doing a Service to humanity in writing this. She has suffered for us, that we need not suffer as she has done.

        I read “Twilight”. That was as much as my feeble frame could stand. This preserves me from watching the film. All Hail Stoney, say I!

      • Nonny

        Okay, so to make sure I understand your position on this, it’s pathetic to write about not liking Twilight. Especially if you write lots and lots about that. But if you like it, you’d totally not be pathetic! Even if you write lots and lots! So writing about things you don’t like = pathetic, and writing about things you like = awesomesocks!

        By your own form of logic, kiddo, you manage to be pathetic. Oopsiedoodle!

  • Sally R.

    Wow. So if you want to further explain feminist rage to your daughter, tell her “Sally’s reaction to the very existence of these books and movies”. ;-)

    Thanks for the laughs, babe.

    • Ahahaha! Oh, they are SO troublesome. So troublesome. But girls: you can be MORE THAN THE MAN, I’m just saying.

      I mean, unless you’re ugly. Then you’re worthless. ;D

      • Katherine

        “I mean, unless you’re ugly. Then you’re worthless.”

        ugly or INFERTILE OH NOES.

  • Brunettepet

    Laughing and rolling my eyes and laughing some more. Why are people still so infatuated with this series? I think they just want to learn how to get a diamond lady bucket of their own. I know I’d love one, to match the diamond tiara the mister is sure to buy me one day.

    How many poor kidlets have been christened Renesme in the past couple years? I’m surprised I haven’t seen one on “16 and Pregnant” yet.

    Thanks for taking another one for the team, Laura. Here, have a Slim Jim and a Big Red to wash the taste out of your mouth.

    • I honestly am shocked that people still give a shit about it. You’d think it would have been milked dry a long time ago.

      I’m sure Renesme is HUGE in Idaho. Huge. (IDK, it’s so awful, isn’t it?!)

  • DragonflyLady

    First of all, thank you for going to see this so I don’t have to. <3

    My friend Soph was soooooooooo excited and tried to make me go with her. I politely declined. She took Thursday off so she could go to the Wed night midnight screening AND she went back on Thursday afternoon… O_o

    Not even my endless love for Lee Pace will make me want to pay cashy money to see this movie. So, THANK YOU!

    That birth scene sounds terribly gross. And traumatic. And who the hell gets pregnant the morning after the night before and KNOWS it??

    One more movie and it's OVER!!! *is counting the days*

    • WOW, that is some dedication on the part of your friend! See? She balances me out, then, I no longer feel guilty. LOL.

      SHe knows she’s pregnant because it’s SOOPERNATCHERAL. Oy.

      • DragonflyLady

        She really tried to decide me to go with her. I told her I would love to go to the movies with her, just anything except Glitter Ball Ed.

        A friend I have on FB wrote “Edward is so sexy” and I threw up in my mouth a little…

        She knows she’s pregnant because it’s SOOPERNATCHERAL. Oy.
        But, but, but, it makes even less sense than the rest that already makes no sense!

  • Cat Mitchell

    Hahah! What a GREAT recap!

    “Edward does a Google search on “Evil half vampire babies” and comes up with like, way too many hits for something that specific. ” LOL Seriously I don’t use “lol”wihtout having actually done it!
    This review was fantastic. I get to make fun of and laugh at this ridiculousness without having to actually see it. Thank you so much for that Stoney. I don’t know how you suffered through it. I had a hard enough time getting through the first one to laugh at it. Whew.

    Also, your number 2 above, HA HA again. ;) keep up the awesome recaps. I can’t wait until Number 2. I passed this link on to some of the other Twilight haters I know.

    • I am happy to take one for the team!! Oh, I had a lot of booze later, that’s how I dealt with it.

      I cannot wait for this series to WRAP UP, omg.

      • Cat Mitchell

        I can’t wait for the series fandom to *hopefully* die and for some GOOD YA literature to become popular again, like The Hunger Games. Now THAT has a strong feminine lead with a good plot!

  • Sarah

    My diamond ladybucket thanks you for viewing this so that we don’t have to. Bless, Stoney, for realz.

    Also, EDWARD REALLY AND TRULY DOES A GOOGLE SEARCH FOR “EVIL HALF VAMPIRE BABIES”? IS THAT A JOKE? I MUST KNOW!!!

    • I admire your diamond lady bucket for not only its strength, but its ability to do the right thing. Which is to read this.

      HE DOES A GOOGLE SEARCH, but I don’t know what for. I mean, I ASSUME it’s evil half vampire baby, because he gets a lot of evil half vampire baby pictures. I DON’T KNOW THE ALGORITHMS USED, alas.

  • Snow

    You are totally my hero for going to see this and writing it up for the rest of us that CANNOT handle that much … crap. <3's you hard.

    Thank you.

    • You know I’m here for you, boo. Taking one for the team since… whenever. *fist-heart peace-kiss*

  • Fabrisse

    I’m so happy I don’t have to watch this drek. Thank you for bringing your own spin to it. *G*

    • YOU DO NOT. Oh, thank you, free society. THANK YOU. (hahaha)

  • enigmaticblues

    I had to read this out loud to my husband tonight. We’ve been mockers from the very beginning, and I can’t wait to have a party with some like-minded, snarky friends. But I’m glad I don’t have to wait until then for the snark!

    • I love that you read this out loud to your husband. I hope you had hand gestures and different voices! <3

  • Laina

    See this? This trembling mass at your feet? This is me worshipping you for saving me from the absolute HORROR of having to see this myself. I can’t tell you how many people I know who were as psyched to see this movie as they were for the birth of their firstborn…I’m not even exaggerating. Ugh… Oh and I’m pretty sure my husband thinks I’m a total nutbar now. Laughing out loud in an empty room probably doesn’t look too good. ;o)

    • YOU SHOULD NEVER BE FORCED INTO A TWILIGHT SITUATION. Ever.

  • shipperx

    That sounds like one damn looooooooong movie. Thank you for suffering through that so the rest of us don’t have to! :)

    • Oh my god, 1 hour and 57 minutes long. It could have been 40. Or, you know, nothing. ;)

  • Zyrya

    Stoney throws herself on the grenade to save us all!

    I’ve only seen the first movie (I watched it with your Sparkledammerung on the iPad for scene-by-scene explanation), and I was astounded by how little happens and how long it freaking takes to not happen. And now it’s TWO movies per book, for nothing to happen??

    • It really is just a lot of constipated staring, right? I feel terrible for the actors. Until I remember how massive their paychecks are. Not too shabby from their perspective. UGH. Breaking this into 2 is so ridiculous.

  • Nonny

    You deserve epic spa days with Lisa Vanderfabulous (her treat) for stomaching this dreck for the rest of us and writing it up. <3

  • Ruthsic

    How come you have read all the books if you hate it so much, huh?

    • I have a teenage daughter and I don’t let her just read or watch anything. Weird how I’m all responsible, right? Also, I guess you’ve never heard of this really bizarre concept called “reviews?” So, why did you read enough of this review to know I didn’t like it? And then took the time to register for commenting? And then commented?

      (I find you delightful, by the way. Twilight-fans are the most awesome of all fans, nothing can shake your faith! Not the lack of plot, characterization, the ability to write, harmful themes for young women, nothing! Mazel!)

      • Ruthsic

        I actually read your reviews regularly for Supernatural episodes (love that series too) and came across the link for Breaking Dawn. I am not saying I hated your review, but I was just wondering how could you write so much about something you hated so much :)

        • Oh, that’s Vanessa that reviews Supernatural, not me.

          I feel like I’m doing a public service for people, keeping them from shoving this drivel down their throats – like a warning label on a pack of smokes. Someone’s gotta do it. ;)

  • Sue

    “And morphing back to being a human is like instant-wax job, which is nice if you’re not into pelts.” Hahahaha! I don’t understand the Christian/middle class/mom fascination with this series. Its so tawdry, like a telenovela without the knowing wink. You should also know that your line about longest moon cycle ever/floods made me squawk. Literally. I for one am ECSTATIC that you take the time to write these, haha!

    • I am so happy someone laughed at that joke, omg. If we can’t laugh at Twilight, what can we laugh at?

  • Rhi

    Most brilliant review :)

    Can we just have a moments silence for how gross and blatant the anti-abortion message was? Not that it is absent in the books, but here, on my screen, with vampires screaming ‘foetus’ and ‘baby’ at me, it was all too much to handle.
    Because ‘pro-life’ is a fun message to get across!

    • it is SO BLATANT. I went on and on about that in the book review (linked in first paragraph) and how I really believe the whole story is Stephenie Meyer’s passive aggressive attack on her life and choices.

      Glad you got a laugh, though. We all needed one. ;)

  • Lee L

    Stoney’s review = brilliance.

    I sat through the movie on Friday, and you are spot on. Thanks for writing this!

    • Thank you for reading! And pretend I am buying you a drink to help you get the taste of Twilight out of your sinuses. ;)

  • Ah! That review was exactly what I didn’t know I really needed today.

    In return, I offer this: Twilight Author Stephenie Meyer Doesn’t Like The Term “Twi-Hard”
    http://www.themarysue.com/stephenie-meyer-doesnt-like-twi-hard/

    I guess a name that rhymes with ‘die hard’ gives S’Meyer a sad. Go figure. What would she prefer instead, I wonder? Twi-babies? Or maybe Twi-humpers? If the latter, would that make any fan activity, by default, Twi-humping?

  • My curiosity is satisfied. Thanks :)
    I was just, really, really curious on how the two movies were going to be split up and from your review, it seems like they tried to artificially pad the film. I may not be a film director or anything but if you find yourself padding it out, maaaaybe it could really stand to be one movie instead of two. I mean, how many times must you show Bells and Ed play chess?
    Speaking of which, OH MY GOD, has the symbolic cover shout-out hint-hint-remind-you-of-something gotten really blatant? In EW, they were doing a story about and one of the pictures was R. Patz playing chess with K. Stew and I thought “Huh, weird photoshoot.” I didn’t think, HOLY SHIT, that’d be the in the movie! How unsubtle can you be?!
    I just thought the priorities of why to see the movie are a *wee* bit skewed. All the press preceding the movie was like “Sneak preview of that steamy honeymoon scene! Yum yum!” and completely ignoring the big, sparkly elephant in the room or completely glossing it over. They’re even auctioning off the bed. *shakes head* Even if you go to the theater just to see R. Patz bump and grind, you still get OM NOM NOM make-shift C-section by teeth. Do the ends really justify the means here?
    (LOL @ the audience reactions. Like…what did you expect?!)
    I also like how they have the dramatic trailers and y’know SPOILER ALERT, it ultimately goes nowhere. Unless part 2 does a complete 180 (not bloody likely) its going to be a whole lot of sound and fury signifying nothing with Volturi coming and everything resolving itself. And there won’t be a steamy love scene to bring in the Twihards so I kind of think the filmmakers have shot themselves in the foot with this decision to split the movie in two.
    Also…diamond lady bucket made me laugh out loud. XD

    • Oh, they TOTALLY padded this thing, to the point of utter ridiculousness. Lots of staring, lots of breathing, lots of looking in between people. Good lord.

      I can just see Pt. 2 with the Volturri having a forty minute scene of them moving forward like a flower opening up, just like she described for 20 pages in the book. OH MY GOD. ENOOOOOUGH. (Glad you laughed at that, ha!)

      • HOLY CRAP, FFFFFF. Maybe they don’t need a love scene to bring audiences to Part 2. That…that is great :’D

  • StrtMyOrange

    Stoney, bless you for this great service to the human race! I never have to read a single Twilight book or watch any of the movies because you’ve taken many for the team! I don’t know how you do it because I managed to make it through only 1/2 hour of the first film before I had to turn it off; its awfulness inspired a great desire to kill myself just to stop my suffering!!

    I was LOLing through your entire recap and almost drowned on my coffee at the “longest full moon cycle”! Thank you for suffering for S’Meyer’s sins for us! BTW, she can’t write to save her life. She interviewed Kristen Stewart for Glamour and it was bad, even for a celebrity interview in that magazine.

    • No, you do NOT EVER HAVE TO. Don’t make my suffering be in vain. :D

      OMG, someone let her write up an interview for a major magazine?? Now I’m going to have to find that.

  • Renee

    Seriously, Stoney, I love you. Thank you for watching this so I know never ever to ever show this in my library ever. Cos I have parents BEGGING me to show it on our big screen when it comes out and… HELL TO THE NAW.

    I threw a Breaking Dawn party today for all the Twidiots in my area (thank you, I think that’s what I’ll be calling them from now on!) but no one came. I am seriously hoping that this means that the Twidiot fandom is fading away. Please? Pretty please? With glittery sugar on top?

    I figured they would have stopped right before the birthing because how long can you draw out a battle that doesn’t happen? How? Please, tell me how? I mean I guess they could spend an hour and a half of the Volturri advancing while Bella grunts and stares at them as she figures out her magical SHIELDING powers.

    I still just don’t GET how people don’t see that Jake imprinting on Renesme is the grossest thing ever.

    • I think there is going to be a lot of fast cuts between everyone looking constipated, everyone not doing anything, and more constipated looking at one another. Then they’ll play a song by Muse where everyone does something like Vampiric Peach Canning! and then it’ll end. GREATEST MOVIE EVAH!

  • Geeka

    Thanks for making me lol at work. I wonder if I’ll ever watch this movie. Maybe late one night, when it comes on hbo I already pay for. It was my least favorite of all the books. The movies make me ashamed of ever thinking I liked the first two. And, then there was the embarrassment of tripping over the velvet role at the midnight new moon showing. Sad middle aged woman on the floor with 300 teenagers gawking at her. That was my moment. The moment I was truly ashamed to be there. *sigh* Big thanks, Stoney.

    • Geeka

      Rope. Not role.

  • The Last Unicorn shout-out made me LOL really hard. Except I guess Edward would be Amalthea in this case, and he just turns EVERYBODY into unicorns, and Schmendrick’s in love with their unicorn baby because I don’t know. Haggard, naturally, is Catholic, and thus employs wizards and dark magicks.

    Going to be totally honest here: not entirely sure what happens next. I didn’t finish your writeup because I was disgusted that Meyers’s book defeated me and left me broken in the dust when I couldn’t read it all the way through. I know there’s a non-fight, but that’s it.

    • Unicooooorn! Unicoooooorn! I knew you were the laaaaaast! Loved that damn book and movie. LOVED. And hahaha at your breakdown of the characters. The Cullens are the magical Maid Marian and Robin Hood, when they SHOULD be Madame Fortuna and the Harpy.

      Hey, come on. Suck it up and get through this. IF I CAN DO IT…wait, I have an iron clad stomach, never mind. ;)

      • Do you subscribe to Peter S. Beagle’s newsletter through Conlan Press? He just got the publication rights back to the movie, he hadn’t been getting paid any royalties for years until the 25th Anniversary DVD release (that cut out Molly Grue’s “Damn you” line)/BluRay. Now they are getting ready to make a 10- to 20-minute longer extended cut with unseen/unfinished footage (!) that will be re-released in 3D within the next few years or something. ANYWAY I AM SO EXCITE. Also, he runs his own Facebook and is a total sweetie.

        I could totally see Rosalie rocking out Mommy Fortuna, she hates-envies Bella and I love it. Which obviously makes Emmett Rukh.

        I AM PROBABLY GOING TO FINISH BREAKING DAWN OVER CHRISTMAS. I read the Hunger Games books, after all, and if I can sit through a PG version of gladiatorial combat and revolution against a totalitarian government with a side order of love triangle and child-fridging, I am finally strong enough. Or I might just barf all over everything, haha.

  • atticwindow

    That’s all I have to tellll youuuuuuuu…..that’s….alll….Iiii’ve….gooooot….tooooo…..saaaaaaaaaaaay!

    No, I didn’t just sing that while reading this. That’d be weird.

  • Susi Potter

    Omg, I knew better than to read this, because of Sparkledammuerung, I read the damn books,(all your fault, srsly) and now I wish to experience this horror for myself, so that i shall fully comrehend the awesome of this review. Except maybe I’ll wait until the last movie comes out and not eat anything for a bit, because it sounds right gagsome, yo. I don’t love you enough to throw up on my computer, bb. Though, hmmmmm, by the time the next flick comes out, I’ll be due for a hardware upgrade……..

  • Libby

    I… I wish I hadn’t seen it twice… with the same people. Seriously, the only part I actually liked was the actual fight scene between the wolves (could have done without the TNMT/Power Rangers voiceovers though) just because I wasn’t paying attention to the music or the words or anything resembling plot (seriously? this was the movie version of PWP (not porn without, but plot what plot) and I’m not ashamed to say that the only redeeming thing was Taylor Lautner’s abs) because I was paying too much attention to the CGI and the cinematography. I love watching things like that scene just for the way it’s blocked and how detailed the CG is. Does that make me weird?

    Anyway, I basically read this review/recap with a feeling of ‘Why wasn’t I sitting with her when I watched it?’ since I’m pretty sure I had a feminism-spasm at about the time Bella had her ‘my body’ rant and everyone kind of ignored her.

    Loved it!

    • AHAHAHA, how did I miss that the werewolves TOTALLY sounded like the Power Rangers?! Brilliant! And I love beautiful movies, so I can totally understand getting lost in CGI. (I’m a Lucasfilm geek, after all. Talk about needing to focus on the pretty because the plot veers off into crazy land… SAND? George, you made him compare his feelings for Padme to SAND? Ugh.) Ha.

      Oh, I’m sure the people around me in the theater would have LOVED two snarky chicks laughing. :D

  • …Oh, this movie. Thank you for summarizing it in a way that was much more entertaining than I could ever do (I think it would have ended with me chucking my laptop across the room in furious fervor, a snarl at my lips and my poor boyfriend shaking in terror in the back of the room as his attempts to calm me down prove to nothing).

    I’ve never been a fan of the Twilight movies, but I heard that they were good for some quick laughs, and having read half of the first book (the poor writing, the lack of an editor, and the cardboard characters made me want to rip my hair out), I figured I could give the most insane movie in the series a shot. I mean, I had enough friends who were hardcore fans of this tripe, I knew what I was getting into.

    My eyes were hollow and my soul dead as I walked out of that theater. I’m still glad that my boyfriend didn’t suffer through it with me.

    A really amusing read; thank you! You just made my day a little brighter. :)

    • Friends don’t let friends read Twilight, I’m just saying. ;) I’m glad you got a good laugh out of this, you definitely needed it after the movie, huh?

  • Nicole Cook

    I agree so much. My friends drag me to see these movies when they come out. So of course they decide to split it into 2 movies to prolong my torture. This did not need two movies! Half of this movie was a bunch of staring and long pauses anyway. What astounds me is the parents who bring their eight-year-old kids to see movies like this without looking into the material beforehand. This would have terrified me at that age. Then the parents act offended and shocked. *eye roll*
    But God, I can’t wait for this series to be over.

  • xtina

    thanks so much for the recap of the movies and the sparkledammerung series!
    it seriously had me blowing diet coke (caffeine! the horrors!) through my nose i was laughing so hard, brilliant writing! excellent observations! marvelous use of graphics and images! and bjork as alice was a stroke of genius! i could go on and on, but for now i raise my virtual cup to you …!! i’m not worthy! i’m not worthy!
    in AU, maybe readers of sparkledammerung should gather and attend the last breaking dawn to throw candies and popcorn at every stupid thing (!) that happens and then when the twihards protest, there could be a mini-rumble, a la jets and sharks, or snarks and forks, hahaha-get it? ok. maybe not. but yeah, you’re my heroik!

    • So glad you enjoyed it and laughed! And you get bonus points for the use of heroik. ;D

  • Beauty

    I for one haven’t seen the movie Twilight Saga: Breaking Dawn. I have heard of course, all the positives about the movie because let’s face it everyone loves Twilight. I have seen all the others hoping that there would be more to it and to my disappointment there wasn’t. That is why I didn’t go with my friends or my DISH co-workers. That and I hate the movie theaters. People are just rude there. That is why I got the great Blockbuster @ Home because now I get new release before anywhere else. I want to rent this movie but have to check the reviews first. Thanks for the heads up.

  • ComedyQuiche

    I only watch these movies with the Rifftrax (From the guys of MST3K) of them. Do yourself a favor and give the movie a viewing with the Rifftrax. WAY more enjoyable. The one for Breaking Dawn just came out yesterday and we watched it as part of my friend’s birthday party. I laughed so much I snorted…several times.

  • Cat

    I saw it, in fact I have seen them all. RPatz needs to take his ass back to Hogwarts, OMG don’t get me started on the fact that KStew only has 2 actions staring blankly or screaming…
    I read the books, well parts I skimmed I’m gonna be honest. Even not having a huge indepth understanding of LDS I sat there and went… hang on a minute… wth is this chick thinking?! Twilight gives people seriously WRONG messages about love!!! Yes let me fall in love with the dead guy who is a serial killer (but it’s ok because he is no longer practising and they were bad people anyways). He tells me he is a predator and wants to kill me, but I don’t think he will but I want him to because I want to be like him and yes he locks me in his house so I cannot see my friends, but it is just because he loves me so that’s ok… WTF?! I was actually really glad that most of that was played down in the movies.
    Scenery is pretty awesome… I’d go visit, location shots were gorgeous. No woman should look that pained on her wedding day. She looked way too skinny already and what’s the dealio with one of her eyebrows being different (like way) from the other… completely distracting! Loved the body wedding cake of death. The dire wolves in game of thrones are hell tonnes better than the CGI wolf pack in this. I would love to own Esme’s Isle, to be honest I think I would feel sick if I found that in my chicken too so I don’t know how that = preggo, but bygones. I was kinda prepared for the birthing scene… ok rephrase I thought I was… for me it was fine, but I think in the context of the rest of the movie it was a pretty rude shock to some. I don’t think many were expecting… oh pretty wedding, oh pretty honeymoon, oh pretty funny love scene, oh woman is a bad LDS she can’t cook and now she has food poisoning/is preggo, oh poor little woman can’t handle pregnancy look at everyone cooing isn’t that cute then…. ba ba bummmmm LOOK AT THE BLOOD EVERYWHERE?! BTW way to cross religions… Edward went a little Scientologist there for a minute.

  • Sheacat

    may I just say that you win so many cookies for all The Last Unicorn stuff? I seriously perked right up when I saw that in the reviews you wrote on the books and then on this.

    Also, your reviews made me laugh out loud, and despite how many times I say lol in an online conversation, its rare that I truly do.

    • I will happily share those cookies with you for GETTING that it was Last Unicorn stuff. And if I may impersonate the tree in said movie, I Love You. Love love love love love love. ;D Glad you laughed! Thanks so much.

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  • Sara

    I am just looking forward to the awkward moment when die-hard Twilight fans start to read good books (with an interesting plot and complex charcters!) only to realise just how bad these books and movies really are.

  • Christy

    OMG. I don’t know you, and I’m aware that I’m super late to the review/recap party for the Twilight stuff, but I swear I LOVE you!
    I love how you write, your snarky comments, the comparisons to LDS stuff (which I seriously never thought of, because I don’t know much about SMeyer), and your amazing and witty sense of humor!
    I read all your book recaps and then of course had to read the movie review, and I seriously had to suppress my fit of giggles at these words, “…Bella is all oopsie doodles with spills and stuff.” Ahahahahaha!
    So yeah, I just had to tell you that I love you and you are freaking amazing – and thanks for writing these things!

    • Aww, thanks! I’m so glad to know I made you laugh. That’s the best part of Twilight. :D Thank you for reading!