”We last left our ladies at a tea party where Taylor tried to get all up in Lisa’s face for not wanting to be best friends, when Camille Grammer put everybody in check by saying that it was time to address the Russell-pound elephant in the hit your wife in the face room.
Voice breaking, she told Taylor that we don’t say he hits you, that he broke your jaw or that he beat you up. OOPS. I GUESS WE DO. She leaves after saying that she doesn’t even know if it’s true, as there hasn’t been any physical evidence of abuse that she’s seen (um, not the point, Camille) and if Taylor is making it all up, that’s “not cool.”
Lisa tells the camera that every one of the women have talked about this with Taylor, they’ve just never said anything publicly. She goes to follow Camille when she’s stopped by Taylor.
“I feel like the unpopular girl!”
Lisa stops in her tracks, “I’m sorry? I am very confused by you, and would you please eat a sandwich? It’s practically cucumber flavored air, for crying out loud.”
They both ramble over each other, Lisa mortified that a grown woman is crying at her tea and Taylor telling Lisa over and over how she just wanted to be fre-heh-heeeends! They kiss and make up, and Kyle speaks for me when she shakes her head and says, “What the fuck?”
Taylor crawls into Lisa’s lap to play with her hair and tell her that she just wanted to be confident enough to be honest with Lisa, and someone slap that woman in a therapist’s chaise, stat.
Kyle again asks, “Seriously. What the fuck?”
Taylor – and this I am not making up – pinky swears with Lisa that they’ll be BFF. Cut from the scene: them signing each others yearbooks and promising to go to the pool together all summer and have a babysitting pact and the first one to get their period has to buy the other girl a week supply of Mars bars.
Over in – and I can’t believe I’m saying this – the sane house, Kim and her troll-Gollum are setting up their new digs. He has some weird ass metal sculpture of the Golden Gate bridge (she keeps thinking it’s a ship) and they spend way too long hanging it up. Kim tells the camera later that they’re both control freaks, and that she’s an “Arabian horse.” Then she makes a kitty-cat “mreow!” noise. I do not understand this chick.
At Kyle’s house, the Morally Corrupt Faye Resnick shows up with a big white vase and some fabric swatches. Kyle fills her in on the haps at the tea party after putting Portia down for a nap (thank you, Kyle, for not talking about all of this in front of your daughter) and it’s revealed that Morally Corrupt Faye also knows about Taylor from the horse’s mouth. Ahem.
They’re all weirded out by the upcoming party for Taylor’s daughter Kennedy, and how do they behave around Russell? They talk about patterns in abusive relationships and Faye says something that will have me changing her name to Morally Correct Faye Resnick: “I’ve never seen her with black eyes, but that doesn’t mean it’s not happening.” Truth, sister-girl.
Lisa, meanwhile, is selecting vino at her restaurant Villa Blanca, when Pandora shows up with her bridesmaid dresses. Future drama is laid out as they talk about how one of Lisa’s old friends, who owns Planet Hollywood Casino in Las Vegas, is throwing Pandy’s bachelorette. Lisa doesn’t want to hang out with 25 year olds, and wishes her a lovely time.
Camille, again, out sans friend for hire D.D. (maybe someone was fired?) meets up with Kyle and Adrienne at some lunch joint for a gab fest. I would like to point out that Camille Grammer, who is a stick, orders what is essentially chicken nuggets. Good for you, Bubalah, they’re delicious. Adrienne wraps her mouth and tongue all around a huge glass of Pinot Grigio.
Camille has texted Taylor over and over, trying to apologize, but Taylor’s not having it. Camille does say to the camera at one point, though, “Don’t goad me into saying something if you don’t want me to say it.” If Camille wont say it, you know her buddy Alison Dubois will.
Alison? How do you feel about that?
Whatever, you’re a fraud.
Adrienne comes to Camille’s defense, that she wasn’t wrong to say what she did, they’ve all been made very uncomfortable with this whole “don’t say anything” gag order, especially about something like this. Adrienne wants a “professional” to handle this. Yep, I agree, lady.
At some idyllic farm-for-hire, buffalo roam, and the deer and the antelope are on the menu at the loca-vore 4-star restaurant up the street. It’s time for Kennedy’s Cowboy Party! There are 200 guests expected at this party for a five year old. That’s reasonable. Taylor shows up in short-short terry shorts and some riding boots (also reasonable attire) and talks about how they’ll have fish tacos, a mechanical bull, petting zoo, and band playing.
For a five year old’s birthday party.
Taylor’s assistant looks grim. Everyone has said that they aren’t ready yet, and there’s only two hours until the party starts!!
WILL the tables be unfolded?
CAN the petting zoo be set up without a death?
SHOULD this elaborate thing even be happening for a god damned five year old?
Stay tuned, and find out! Or you know, keep reading. She’s stressed and riding everyone, and I mean, “I’m coming back in a few minutes to check on you and make sure you’re doing your job” riding. Dana shows up in turquoise cowboy boots and some knee-length cut off denim shorts (they’re Valentino. Valentino for K-Mart.) Taylor bitches about her waltzing in, and we can’t tell if Dana was supposed to be her event planner, or just that she’s early?
And then the worst thing ever happens. No, not nuclear warfare. Nope, not biochemical weapons dropped in a major city. There are no kids tables. Oh, they have kids chairs, but only 12 tables for adults. WHAT THE HELL IS THIS CRAP? Also, it’s mentioned that there are 120 adults expected and only 70 of “Kennedy’s closest friends.” I am a grown-ass woman, and I don’t think I have 70 close friends. This level of hubris is so aggravating, I’m sorry.
She tells Russell about the disaster that is the lack of tables for children – who will most likely be on the bounce houses, the mechanical bull, at the petting zoo, riding a pony, or standing on their youthful and strong legs, and Russell just says, “I had nothing to do with it.” Who said you did? Dana walks off to start unfolding chairs. The chairs are from the Tom Ford Home collection, otherwise, she’d never dirty her hands.
Taylor finds a guy that actually has the kids tables, this party is saved, hallelujah! Taylor thanks God for this miracle. And because God had to focus on this jackassery, four children in Thailand drowned. I hope you’re happy, Taylor. The party is set up, just like it was all planned! Wow, there was no need to freak out at all.
Dana holds Taylor’s hands and tells her “You’re beautiful. I love you. I’ve enjoyed the morning. There, there, baby. You’re amazing.” I am telling you that that is a direct quote. Dana is a wackadoo.
Just like at your fifth birthday party (or your child’s) the valets park the guests cars and direct them to a huge corral for their gifts. I want to note that everyone is in shawls and coats and sweaters, and Taylor is in her short-shorts, a sleeveless top and some some boots.
And no one talks to Russell. They all do that distant head nod, “Hey, great party!” thumbs up and yeesh as they walk away. Some dude from American Idol is there, Ace Young? I don’t watch the show, sorry. He’s written a song especially for Kennedy and will perform it live. Taylor is all up on his jock, flirting and cooing and almost dropping a hotel key in his front pocket. He’s cute, I get it.
Lisa is not at the party as she’s still planning Pandora’s wedding with Bobby Trendy. She wants to trim the list from 187 people down to 150, but they can’t decide on anything. (I see what you did there, editors. I like it.) They have a table covered in elaborate invitations, and of course Bobby Trendy picks up a shirt box that is covered in silk, hot-pink roses and rhinestones. When the shirt box lid comes off, the invitation is inside. He is prostrate with want, drooling and crying with need for them to pick those invites.
Lisa hates him. She tells him he just wants them because they’re expensive. “Of course, darling!” She reminds him that this isn’t his wedding, he actually argues that, and then Pandora says, “Mum, it’s like Pandora’s Box, though!”
Well…shit. Looks like they’re getting the rose’d shirt boxes.
At Taylor’s party, everyone seems to be having a fun time, Dana wobbles along on her turquoise boots with her genius son of eighteen months, who is no doubt solving parabolic arc calculations in his native Thai. Sure it looks like he’s slapping his hand on one of those paddle games, but that’s just because you’re an idiot.
A magician wanders around with a cat on his shoulder (okay, that was really cute) and Kyle is on the mechanical bull. Kim shows up, because she needs to be there for a five year old she never interacts with, and takes a spin on the bull, too.
Brandi was invited and she sees Kim. After a few tense moments where she’s clearly gearing herself up, she wobbles over on her broken foot to try and acknowledge Kim and apologize. Kim smiles benignly and looks off. Okay.
They have a pony with a unicorn horn on it. Taylor gets Kennedy to ride it and then tells Kyle how there’s poop from the horses everywhere, and if Camille was there, she’d make Camille shovel some of it. Big words, Taylor, big words. Also, it’s totally unfair for her to be pissed at Camille for repeating words that Taylor herself has said.
Adrienne, Paul, and their boys show up. Adrienne tells Kyle that she heard about the Planet Hollywood party of Pandora’s, and she’s mad because a) that’s her casino’s competitor (she owns The Palms) and b) Lisa is an old friend of hers, they live across the street, and she never said anything to her.
Well, I guess it was time for Adrienne to fight someone other than her husband.
Kennedy has a “wardrobe malfunction” (what?) and the assistant rushes off to bring her new options to wear. I swear to god, these people live on a completely different planet than the rest of us. Kennedy, meanwhile, looks grumpy, tired, overwhelmed, and miserable.
Dana praises Kim’s boots, and says that she “just learned about cowboy stuff, [she] didn’t know what it was!” How is this person alive? How. Who the hell doesn’t know that a COWBOY is a thing? Next she’s going to tell us that she learned about “fire-men” and “space-men.” And there are outfits associated with both! She’ll wonder if McQueen made any of their costumes? Because you know she’d buy them.
Taylor, in a voice over, says how Kennedy is having so much fun with her friends as they cut to Kennedy in her mom’s arms, grumpy and fussy. They drag Kennedy to meet Ace, the singer, and she’s shy, hiding behind her mother. Jesus Christ. Stop torturing this damn child.
Russell comes over to screw up plans for the Big Gift at 3 o’clock, because he’s the CEO of Life Ruining, and Dana tries to help act as a buffer. (You earned a point, lady.) Russell tells her in a really shitty way, “Would you relax? We have a nice gift that’s coming at four.”
Dana, earning a second point with me, says, “I was mad because it’s not about Kennedy, it’s about him.” She’s not wrong. Then Taylor, Kennedy, and Russell take a forced family photo as everyone looks on, totally skeeved. But they keep eating the catered food, of course.
Taylor gives a speech about herself to introduce the band (there to perform for something, I can’t remember what it’s all about. Oh, well, it’s probably not important) and Kennedy has her back to all of this, playing like a normal child at a table, as the band begins.
“Through the clouds…you are the pilot….” (Oh my god, whaaaat?!)
Russell screams though a tight lipped smile, “Listen to your song,” to Kennedy.
“You make every day a birthday to me!” Ace sings, waving to the crowd to sing along with a margarita in his hand. Classy.
A horse is brought out, it’s Kennedy’s big birthday surprise! Remember last year when Russell got her a puppy and Taylor sent it away after a few days? Hmm. Taylor compares her mouth to the horse’s and tries to soul kiss it. What a wonderful gift for Mommy, er, I mean for Kennedy!
Dana, earning a third point tonight, says that it’s a terrible gift. She remembers the dog.
Taylor tells the camera that yes, she has a difficult marriage. But she wants to be happy. So she’ll fake it ’til she makes it.
I am really looking forward to the big denouement with Taylor.
Next Week: Brandi wants to have a blow job teaching party (I love you, Brandi) and Adrienne confronts Lisa. We’ll see if her face moves at all!