Glee! 3.7 – I Kissed A Girl

This also is not kissing a girl. And Tina's not feeling it, huh?

Once again we’re reminded that the Glee writers don’t watch their own show. There have been some pretty solid episodes, and then they have episodes like this one where they cram way too much in, and can’t remember what the focus is. Oh well, they do this every season, hopefully they’ve gotten it out of their system.

And in spite of the title, there is no girl kissing by other girls in this episode. But there are election results, which is why we have our featured cocktail, Kiss Me, I’m President.

Your bingo card is here.  No free space, we’re going to be drinking enough as it is.

Santana is hauled up in front of the principal, who is threatening to suspend her for two weeks for assault. Um, and the kids that slushie the Gleeks constantly, when was their suspension? Well, never. Because the School Board hasn’t added slushies to their list of “acceptable weapons.” (Good lord.)

Everyone saw it, two teachers saw it. But Finn comes to the rescue by saying, ha ha, that was an amazing stage slap, right? The way she didn’t actually hit him but just looked like she did? Ha? Right, everyone?

Outside, Santana wants to know what the hell that was all about? Well, um, Finn just wants her to compete at Sectionals so he can beat her, you see, and he thinks she’s awesome, and it makes him sad when she’s not herself, and she shouldn’t have to hide. And the writers are really, really trying to remind us that they didn’t mean to have Finn be a bad guy last week (I really think they didn’t see it the way, you know, everyone else did) and they’re working really hard to make him apologetic and kind.

EYEROLL. But Finn has an idea, she needs to come to Glee to find out. [By the way, I adore Cory Monteith and want to camp out on his lovely shoulders and nuzzle him for hours. But the writers borked last week and this week with his character.]

Rachel walks the halls, worried about the upcoming election because she really wants Kurt to win. If he doesn’t, she’ll have to move to NYC on her own without her best gay, and she truly needs makeover help. [And they’re my head canon for NYC BFFs until Blaine moves up, to join them.] Kurt, meanwhile, is at his locker looking heartbreakingly gorgeous in a studded neckerchief. [And doesn’t he look older in that shot? And pretty? Stop that, Chris Colfer. Wait, I mean don’t stop that.]

He tells her that he’s going to pull a JFK: share a dame for dirty sex with his brother. Wait, no, he’s going to sneak a Red in the bed. (Communist.) I’m missing one… oh, right, stuff the ballot box. Rachel is scandalized. “Communists? Really, Kurt?” and begs him to not do it. I noticed the Kate Middleton picture in his locker, anyone else? I love it. But Kurt, sweet, sad Kurt, doesn’t think he’s going to win and is freaking out a little.

In the music room, we see the whiteboard [DRINK!] It’s Lady Music Week! Music by ladies for ladies, sung to a very special lady, Santana. It’s all Finn’s idea. Brittany is sweet and loving to Santana, holding her hand. [DRINK!] They all want her to know they support her, even if the outside world won’t. Kurt and Blaine will even perform the first number for her, and as Kurt says, “We have a song we like to sing together in the car.” Of course you boys do.

Also, Kurt is now wearing a cream turtleneck cape/one shoulder thing that is so distracting. I… it would drive me bananas to have one cold side and one hot side, personally. Santana is rude, saying they should be having a gel-ervention for Blaine [ha] and she can’t focus because of Blaine’s blinding bow ties. (They really are ridiculously in fashion right now, it must be said.)

Kurt smirks, because he gets it. It’s hard. And a five six seven eight…. He sings Pink’s “Perfect” and sounds so lovely. The lyrics match the struggles he’s had, Blaine joins in for the chorus, and their voices work wonderfully together. I think these two boys and Mercedes and Santana are my favorite duet singers. Santana makes a hilarious face when Blaine starts to rap, Kurt hits his low range, and come on. He’s flawless. Except for those capes. But! The boys! [DRINK!]

Santana smiles and thanks them. She now has something new to add to her “horrible crap” list!

Sue is in her office, pouring out her emotions in her journal. She knows she’s in danger of losing the election of the gay smear, and can’t understand why “anyone would assume I’m a friend of Ellen, just because I’m mannish and highly aggressive and have short hair and I only wear track suits and I coach a girls’ sport and I married myself? It just doesn’t make sense.”

She pulls out her black booty call list, because Sue Sylvester loves the pole. On her list:

  • Eric Stoltz, but only when he wears the Rocky Dennis outfit
  • Todd Bridges, it’s the free crack, it keeps her young
  • Vladimir Putin, he fucks sharks and doesn’t call them back, after all
  • Stephen Baldwin, but just because Billy is never free
  • Oliver North, you need a guy with connections, am I right, ladies?
  • Matt Lauer (cry baby)
  • Johnny Cochran, even dead, he’s better than Stephen Baldwin and he knows why
  • And…mystery guy. Tough stuff, David Boreanaz.

Beiste is in the teachers lounge working through a turducken (“it’s a barnyard in a bite!”) because she’s protein loading to keep her energy levels up. Oh? Well, Cooter’s been working her hard (hey-o!) trying new things (look out!) getting her into some…interesting situations (okay.) and her quads are trembling from (that’s enough. We got it) how hard Cooter was working her last night (dear god.)

Oh, he was just helping her bench press like, 250. That’s impressive. She tells Emma and Will that he’s the only man for her, dreamy eyes before she bites through three kinds of poultry.

Puck sings Melissa Etheridge’s “I’m The Only One” and it’s so obvious that he’s singing it to Shelby. A teacher. While everyone is there fake rocking out. I’m sorry, guys, please don’t lynch me but this was weak. His voice has been wavering and not sounding strong and… I can’t believe I’m saying this, but he doesn’t have enough grit for this one. I’m not a huge fan of this song (I kind of only dig “Come To My Window” and that’s mostly because of the video with Juliette Lewis in her Natural Born Killers crazy phase.)

Shelby looks nervous, Quinn looks confused, isn’t he singing this to her? And everyone else sways to the beat. He wraps it up by faking left and saying it was all for Santana. Um, okay? After class, Quinn tells him that it’s weird, it’s like he was singing to Shelby. Their teacher. But that can’t be… So how about he heads over to Quinn’s house later, her mom is boozing it up for Jesus and won’t be home, and they can rent movies and not watch them, hint.

Puck isn’t feeling it. She breaks it down even more simply: we can have sex, idiot. Yeah, he got that. He doesn’t want to, and it’s mostly because she’s nuts and totally selfish. Best line of the night, “I’d rather raw dog a beehive.” OUCH. And not just because I’d go into anaphylactic shock.

Santana tells Finn that he’s “basically forcing [her] out of the flannel closet.” Well, no, see, because he cares about her, and is worried because a few weeks ago a kid that made one of those “It Gets Better” videos killed himself and GLEE WRITERS LEMME STOP YOU RIGHT THERE. Imma let you finish your scene and all, but you did not earn this, and this actually happened and you’re throwing it in half-assed. No. No soup for you.

Santana would never do that to herself, by the way, because she’s too awesome. Finn tells her that she was his first, ergo he will always care about her (Hear that, Jim? Where are my flowers and my song week? Sorry.) and blah blah, I love Cory Monteith. I do not love how they cannot write Finn’s character or figure out who he really is.

Then, Finn sings a slowed down version of “Girls Just Wanna Have Fun,” and I know it’s supposed to be serious and special, but it’s a lame song, guys. I know; I was around for the first go-round. But I will say that Finn’s voice sounds very lovely when it’s all soft and intimate, even though you can totally tell this was recorded in a small booth, and he’s sitting in a cavernous room. Artie hits the backup, and Kevin McHale, your voice is fabulous, it really is.

Santana gets emotional, tells Finn thank you, and gives him a hug as she breaks out a single sob. Oh, Santana. Why aren’t they giving you a better script to work with?

Beiste is at Breadstix later (it truly is the only restaurant in town) picking up her Chicken ‘Splosion for 4 (read; for one) when she sees Sue and Cooter in a booth together. Whaaaaaat? Sue informs her that she’s on a date, and Beiste can go “head out for your next face widening session at the John Travolta Institute for Head Thickening.” Did I say Puck had the best line of the night? I lied, this is it.

Sue leaves to take a call for USA Today (We’re Nothing But Pie Charts and Infographics!) leaving Shannon and Cooter to be uncomfortable. Cooter explains that he never got clear signals from her, so what was he supposed to think? She punched him when he tried to grab her hand! (She thought he was going for her championship ring.) So, now he’s dating Sue, they’ve hooked up for a while, and…he just isn’t interested in having a buddy, sorry.

Election time! Half of the school gym is for the student president (it’s packed) and the other half is for the local Congressional election (there is no one.) Jacob Ben Israel Aaron Nahum Zephania is interviewing Brittany, convinced she’s got the lock. She smiles and says she’s voting for Rick the Stick. [DRINK[ Kurt is in the background, already looking defeated and sad. He refuses to talk to Jacob. Rachel tells him to keep his chin up, he’ll get loads of votes! [ominous music of portending doom]

Quinn votes Brit. Santana votes Brit. Puck writes in Ross Perot. Everyone else votes for Kurt. Kurt takes his turn, thinks about how much it sucks that the number of checks in this dumb election could cost him his future, and drops his ballot in after voting for himself.

Sue and Cooter take pictures of themselves kissing, rubbing it in Beiste’s face. Becky comes over with a fresh picture for her, explaining that “Coach said to rub this in your face.” And Will hands the baton off to her to sing “Jolene,” one of my all-time favorite Dolly Parton songs. (I have layers. Also, she’s hilarious.) It…lacks zazz. She’s fine, it would be awesome for a night of karaoke, but it feels just jammed in so we can see how much Beiste wants Cooter and how into Sue he is. Really? They held hands at the play, and now she’s punching him? Rachel asks her if she’s okay, acting a little squirrelly herself.

Santana is getting a lot of unusual attention in the hallway, lots of dudes checking her out. Some kid on the rugby team tells her he saw the ad, and he could probably “straighten her out.” All the girls show up to brush him off, to which he replies, “Oh, I get it. You’re all a bunch of lesbos.” They starts singing Katy Perry’s “I Kissed A Girl (And I Liked It)” and let’s just say it out loud, Glee does not handle women and their sexuality with any finesse at all. They never have, and it looks like they never will. It’s just meant to be titillating.

They’re singing it in the music room and Will looks way too pleased with their performance, if you know what I mean [DRINK], and the guys are all fanning themselves, even Blaine and Kurt are video taping it. Let’s toss a [DRINK] in the mix for a Quinn/Rachel flirt moment, because why not.

Santana tells them all that she told her parents, and they were totally okay with it, yay! Man, that was totally easy, her coming out, guess she didn’t need to get mad at Finn after all! Oh, she needs to tell her abuela before the ad airs. Um, didn’t it already? Yes, but gee-ma only watches telenovelas on Univision, so es no problemo.

Figgins busts in looking quite upset, demanding to see Kurt Hummel. Blaine and Kurt exchange nervous looks (and whatever that shirt is that Blaine’s wearing, I love.) It cuts to Figgins’ office where Burt is waiting. It looks like Burt is winning, giving the early numbers coming in, hooray! And ditto for Kurt! Hooray!

Not so fast.

Kurt has, like, amazing numbers. Almost unbelievable numbers. Totally unbelievable numbers. Because there are more ballots than there are students voting. Hmm. So it appears that he’s won by a landslide. OF LIES.

No no no, see, Kurt thought about cheating, true, but that was just him venting his frustrations to his friend, he didn’t actually do it, because Kurt Hummel doesn’t cheat. Honest. REALLY. He worked really hard on this!

Finn and Rachel are waiting for him at his locker, he fills them in, and if it’s proven that he did it, he’ll be suspended for two weeks. Oh, and he lost the election. “I can forget New York and NYADA.” He doesn’t want their sympathy, he wants to find Blaine and have his boyfriend make it all betters, and that is a deleted scene on the DVD, right? RIGHT? Rachel tells Finn that she did it. WHAT. Finn wants her to tell Figgins, but she doesn’t want to be suspended! So, she’s going to let Kurt?

In math class, Puck surprises everyone by busting out the Pythagorean theorem. See, he’s doing his own books for his pool business, and it turns out that he’s wicked smaht. He gets a phone call and leaves class to meet Shelby in the hospital. Beth has fallen and hurt her lip, and for some reason they aren’t letting her in, oh, right, because they couldn’t have a conversation to further the plot if they had been in there with the beeping and the doctors and the baby actor.

Puck is super cool under pressure, demands that her lip be fixed by a plastic surgeon, and that’s all the support Shelby needed to take him home and then take him home, if you know what I mean. [DRINK!] He reminds her that he’s a young dude, so he’s got “four more rounds in me before I need a steak sandwich and a Coke Zero.” Puck, you are a one-liner machine tonight.

It doesn’t matter, because Shelby is instantly bothered by her actions, and wants him to leave. You know what? Puck is totally cool with that, because he used to think she was awesome and all, but it turns out she’s just a big ol’ chicken. He and his jeans that perfectly cup his butt storm out of there. (I’m not blind, people.)

Santana goes to see her abuela, who is snappy and hilarious. She threatens to beat Santana with a chair if she’s there to say she’s pregnant. No, no, far from that. In fact, she wants her grandmother to know how much she admires her, because she’s always been herself. Santana wants to be just like her. “I love girls the way I’m supposed to love boys.” She wants her grandma to know that she doesn’t want to have any more secrets. “Every day felt like a war. No more fighting.”

Her abuela is getting more and more stone faced. “Everyone has secrets. I, too am gay.” Wait, no, she doesn’t say that at all. “I want you to leave. I don’t ever want to see you again.”

WHAT.

“It’s selfish of you to make me uncomfortable. Esto es una vergüenza…[This is a shame…] The sin isn’t in the thing, it’s in the scandal when people talk about it aloud!” So… being gay is okay with her, just not people talking about it. She leaves without another word, and Santana sobs.

Now, this felt really rushed. Santana was just happily telling her grandma, and then it went to 60 in 1 second. Didn’t she deserve more attention in the episode? It’s just… there’s too much in this one. Go back and watch episode 5, “The First Time,” and there’s loads of stuff in that, too, but it all felt well paced. This episode just doesn’t. It’s a new writer, by the way. It shows, bro.

Quinn and Puck are making out, and Puck tells her that he doesn’t have any condoms. Oh, Quinn’s totally cool with that, because she wants a baby. UM. Quinn then quotes Sixteen Candles (the Prom Queen telling Jake Ryan that there are 20 guys that would kill to love her) and Puck realizes that she really is broken. And he apologizes for not getting it. They’d all been helping Santana all week, and no one gave her ten seconds.

SO HEY, SOMEONE NOTICED. He tells her that she’s going to get out of this one Breadstix town and make something of herself. She asks him to stay for a cuddle, and he’s sweet about it and then reminds us that he’s not smart and tells her he has something to confess, but she needs to promise not to tell. This will not end well.

Sue has the paper: BURT HUMMEL FOR US CONGRESS!! [Ticker Tape Parade!] She only got 16% of the vote. So what does this mean for her and Cooter? Beiste comes in, wanting to know as well. Sue plops Cooter on a pilates ball so she and Brian Dennehey can have a conversation. Beiste is going to run this show, however. She’s in love with him, see? And she’d do anything to take back those crazy things she didn’t do, okay? Why, she’d even bench press a wildebeast for him, he’s her fella! So you better watch your butt, Sue, because Beiste is ready to take what’s hers.

In Glee, Rachel’s missing (telling Figgins, we’re told) and Quinn is in an amazing skirt and grumpy face. Kurt, in robin’s egg blue leggings for crying out loud – covered by a cape, shame on you, costume! YOU PUT HIM IN LEGGINGS AND THEN COVER HIM? [DRINK] – hops to his feet and concedes to Brittany, the new school president. He admonishes her to rule wisely, and rule fabulously. She says he’s still the most unicorn of them all. As he sits, he whispers to Blaine, “Maybe I could put that on my NYADA app.”

Blaine soothes, “Don’t give up hope, ever. We’ll figure something out.” [DRINK] Yes! You can wait a year doing local theater and training with a vocal coach and you and Blaine can go to New York together!

Santana brings the week to a close by singing one of my all time favorites, “Constant Craving” by k.d. lang, and seriously, that’s a tough voice to follow. She does well [DRINK] and they have a montage where Shelby sings in the hallway, thinking about Puck [GROSS. DRINK – not that Puck is gross, or Shelby is gross; them in school craving each other is gross].

We get shots of Beiste working out, Kurt sad about losing but trying to be cheerful for his dad, him filling out his NYADA application with Blaine, and it’s pretty bare. He has Will Schuester listed as a vocal coach, and not much else. Blaine rubs his back, Rachel walks down the hall crying, and the song ends.

Rachel comes in, admits to rigging the election and for everyone to stop blaming Kurt. She said that Figgins is putting this on her permanent record, she’s suspended for a week, and her dreams of New York are over for good. Wait, no, she just can’t perform in Sectionals.

…way to pull focus.

 

Next Week! Sam Evans, hot pants Chippendale dancer returns! Blaine and Finn finally have it out! White tuxedos!

And don’t forget our “Blurt” (Okay, okay, Klaine) shop with loads of great things for your holiday shopping, like this adorbs magnet. It’s about the cost of a non-fat mocha grande, y’all.

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