Real Housewives of Beverly Hills 2.14 – Book, Bachelorette and a Breakdown

This woman is flawless. Also, her hips don't lie.

It’s the Penultimate Episode!

Remember last week when Friend For Hire DD went bananas, spoiling for a fight?  Camille is going to punish her for it this week.  Also, Dana returns with the most obnoxious bragging moment ever.  Dear Bravo: please feature more of those two trainwrecks.  Love, Me.

But first,  Taylor meets up with Lisa at Villa Blanca for actual food and a drink.  We see her put real food in her mouth: pizza.  So that was comforting.  Lisa wants to know about her mental breakdown at the Malibu party the other night.  Unfortunately, Taylor was too drunk to remember much.  They both assume it was all DDs fault, and by default, Camille’s.  They pour more Chablis until Taylor has to rush off to a parent-teacher meeting.  (This is why you should drink vodka, they won’t smell it on your breath, Tay.  Pfft, bush league.)

We learned that there will be dueling Vegas parties this weekend, Pandora’s Bachelorette – and Kyle can’t attend.  Taylor will go with Lisa in her place. The other party is with Adrienne Maloof in her ill-placed casino, The Palms. (It’s a few blocks from the strip.  I’m not a fan of the Palms, sorry Maloof.)

Camille and DD are having a contractually obligatory date at Camille’s house.  DD pulls out a bottle of Santa Margherita Pinot Grigio (it’s the only white I can stand, honestly) and pours Camille a healthy amount with promise to get Camille drunk so she can steal her hair and bottle up her tears.  Brandi comes over, and this is when DD starts digging her nails into her palms, because Camille is her friend, Brandi.  She wonders if she can race down the mile-long drive to grab a little anti-freeze to mix into Brandi’s drink.

They all bitch about Taylor being out of control at the party, how she had just “checked out” and are we ignoring the psychopathic need-freak in the room: DD?  Yes, yes we are.  I would like to point out that DD has a side braid with a newspaper rubber band at the end.

Because Camille is rich as hell, she sits on a stone wall in white pants, not worried about that stain ever coming out.  Because she can just throw them away and buy the company that makes them.  They get catty about Taylor and Lisa being friends now, because they hated each other just weeks ago!  And Brandi Glanville, who I like more and more with every episode, says, “Maybe Lisa’s trying to help her?”

Brandi?  You’re good people, don’t go changing for me, I’ll tumble for ya.

Camille goes back to Old School Alison Dubois bitchiness by saying that Lisa now gets to play hero, which is what she loves.  Do not mess with Vanderfabulous, Grammer.  I will sic DD on you with a forged note about you wanting to run away and get married to her.

Adrienne and Paul are getting ready to head into Burbank for a talk show about how to be healthy with a busy lifestyle.  Paul mocks Adrienne’s Jersey belt (scrap of leopard print with bling on it) and she immediately converts into The Bickersons.  Paul wants to put a pair of scrubs in her huge alligator bag, but it will “smash” her things.  She then bitches about how he doesn’t eat properly for breakfast, and that’s not her job, it’s their chefs.

Tell me more about how hard it is to be a busy gal on the go with a family, Adrienne!

As they ride out to Burbank in their Bentley, they reflect on just what it takes to be healthy and fit as you age and are busy.  How hard it is even though you’re dripping in cash and have a plastic surgeon for a husband.  Nope, it’s all about eating veggies and drinking water, or some shit like that.  Also, don’t wreck the car, Paul.  Paul, you’re braking too hard.  Paul, don’t start with her.  PAUL.  It’s really hard on her stitches when you make her shout like that.

On the show, they’re asked what they do to stay so healthy? Oh, that’s simple! Have money, a personal chef, nannies, housekeepers, a personal secretary to organize the day, plastic surgery, endless supply of Botox, a dermatologist, a personal trainer, a driver, more money, and a little pinch of joie de vivre.  It’s so simple, anyone can do it!

Kyle and the Morally Correct Faye Resnick go shopping for chandeliers, as the infamous White Party (wow, poorly named, Kyle) is just around the corner.  Kyle keeps wanting things that make her happy, like a jackass.  Fortunately, the shop keeper and Faye aren’t interested in her opinion and make their own choice.  At one point Faye holds up a fugly white chandelier that would be so sweet for the cabanas and then drops it, shattering it.  It was only $750 (and in Beverly, that is cheap, y’all know that much) and she and Kyle skedaddle.

VEGAS, BABY.  Adrienne is at her family’s casino, The Palms, where she meets up with her skeevy-looking brother.  (The Palms partnered with Playboy, so they have Playboy Bunnies moseying about.)  Her brother is holding hands with one of the stick-legged ladies, and Adrienne is mortified and tells him to cut it out.  Seriously, bro.  She’s there to set things up for her Ladies Weekend with everyone not going to Pandora’s Bachelorette.

Speaking of, Pandy and her mother Lisa are shopping for bridal gowns.  Lisa is wearing the most fabulous black lace dress with nude underlay. Seriously, this woman is just naturally beautiful.  Well, I’m sure she’s had a little help, but she also looks like she’s aging, not getting her face yanked up so hard her tits are under her chin, like every other older woman in 90210.

Pandy goes to try on a gown as Lisa futzes with her iPad and Giggy struggles on the chaise in his monogrammed pajamas, trying to get his leg unstuck from the cloth.  Pandy comes out in a huge number, rosets from the hips down, ending in a 10ft. train.  It’s a bit much for me, but then, I think Grace Kelly’s dress is the bee’s knees.  She tries on huge number after huge number, but they all suit her.  She loves all of the frills and lace and flowers and sparkle and wants to be swathed in yards of fabric.

As they leave, musing over which gown to pick, we see that Lisa Vanderpump has an absolute pandonkadonk.  I mean, I like big butts and I cannot lie, you other readers can’t deny, that when Lisa walks out with her itty bitty waist and that round thing in your face?  Ken Todd is a lucky man.

Adrienne meets up with Camille and DD (contractually obligated) in the Hugh Hefner suite, where Camille and DD promptly freak out over how “amazing” it is.  Didn’t these people watch The Girls Next Door? Also, I hope the cleaning crew wiped all surfaces with bleach.

Dana (omg, YAY) and Brandi also show up.  Brandi loves Vegas (I love Vegas, too) and is looking forward to letting her hair down.  Even more.  Adrienne calls Kim to find out that she’s not coming, again, and listens to her weird and rambling excuse about how she’s moving and boxes, and Rosa the maid won’t dress up like her daughter and hold her anymore, and all of the pretty airplanes and we got it, Kim.  You’re not coming.

Lisa and Taylor show up at Planet Hollywood (a far better location on the strip, even if there’s a cheesy mall that wraps around it) in a giant limo with all of Pandora’s friends.  They head up to the party suite for the girls, and it has a spectacular view of the Bellagio (my favorite hotel and casino in Vegas, by the way.  I mean, lobby full of Chihuly! It’s fantastic.)

Lisa and Taylor leave the girls to it and head over to Lisa’s suite, much quieter and more subdued.  (There’s no foosball table, for example.)  Lisa tells Taylor to treasure the moments with her daughter.  Her CHAV son Max, for example, used to leave messes everywhere and aggravated her to no end.  Now he’s on his own and there are no messes.  (Was this supposed to about how awesome it is to have a clean house?  Because that’s what I took away from the conversation.)  Also, note that it is Taylor’s 40th birthday and someone is going to try to pull focus.  Well, two someone’s.

Kyle, back home, is having a photoshoot for her book cover.  She’s written a book about her sometimes glamorous lifestyle, her fabulous husband, and what it’s like to only have a lady sitter, no nannies.  (I want to write a story about me and her lady sitter where we have fabulous adventures that always end in cocktails and mani-pedis.)

She calls Kim, who won’t answer.  So much for her sister being there to support her…. They set up the shoot, and Kyle is wearing a gorgeous silver gown, very ethereal and light with beautiful beading. She’s plopped on a table with a tray of food, some papers and books, and her dog eating some cheese.  It’s really cute.

At the Bachelorette, all of the girls are in LBDs as Pandy swans about in some hippy looking sundress.  (Really?) Lisa gets emotional at dinner for a minute, after she and Taylor take turns explaining how they’re important at Pandora’s only bridal party.  Ladies, come on.

More importantly, at The Palms, all of Adrienne’s party heads over to the Bowling Alley suite (there’s also a basketball suite) where all of the ladies scream and are excited because oh my god, bowling!!  How do you do this? Dana makes an appearance and tells the camera that being with Adrienne is like being with royalty.  (Dana has realized who the Queen Bee is in Vegas, and has appropriately affixed herself, leach-like, to the right person.)

Dana then holds out her necklace and explains to the group: “It’s 125 karats of perfect diamonds, plucked from secret mines by children who’s fingerprints have been surgically removed to keep the diamonds pristine. The diamonds were then carried over on the backs of black rhinos, now extinct. This necklace cost one meelleeon dollars.  And it holds a lollipop, see?”  (It actually does. NO, REALLY.)

Camille tells the camera that “I can think of other things to put a million dollars into other than a lollipop holder.”  Ha ha.  I love it when Camille gets high falootin’.

Camille then tries to bowl in her Louboutins. She gutters it.  Brandi, still on her cast and a single stiletto and wearing no bra, gets a strike. Brandi?  Your body is flawless.  But maybe wear some petals, those pencil erasers you’re smuggling are distracting me.

Pandora’s group pile into a giant SUV limo and are whisked away to Rio, to see Chippendales.  Ew. (Rio is right by The Palms, by the way, on the wrong side of the tracks.)  They go backstage to meet the guys, who are all having sex with each other working out and oiling up.  Lisa is breathless, and it’s pretty funny. One guy explains that they strip down to a cock sock, which cracks Lisa up to no end.  She offers to knit them some.  I love you, Lisa.

They’re seated right up front, and there’s a bunch of thrusting and gyrating as the men peel off their jeans, etc. Lisa is having fun, minus the bruises she’s acquiring from Taylor, who is losing her shit.  Taylor doesn’t know if she should be grossed out – because she’s a lady – or extremely turned on – because she’s a woman. Instead, she pounds Lisa’s leg and arm, screeching like a banshee.  She and the others have turned into “whoo!” girls in the blink of an eye.

The guys are now down to their “socks”, thrusting and simulating sex on motorcycles, on chaise lounges, and so on, and Taylor has lost her damn mind, slapping at Lisa with every breath.  Lisa yells at her, “Stop! You’re hurting me!”  Taylor almost gets offended, then she sees some dude writhing and forgets how to use the alphabet.

Adrienne’s group heads over to a dance club where they’re whisked away to the “You have money for a VIP area, but… you’re old” alcove where Camille reminds us that she used to work the pole.  Hey, guys, she just loves being a woman and celebrates it, okay?  Fine by me.  And by Brandi, too, as they start dancing together.  And Brandi has her hand on Camille’s ass, and puts Camille’s hands in her hair, and Camille is a-ok with it.

Not okay with it is DD who’s lips are pressed into a tight line in her rage. She tries to make Camille jealous by bumping up against Adrienne, who is doing an older lady version of the Jersey Turnpike, as she knuckles away her frustrated tears.  Dana spins in a circle, fondling her wallet and just being in the moment, you know?

Camille and Brandi almost start a fire from rubbing their sticks together, and some creeper dude hovers in the background trying to figure out the best time to tell them he’s in the Persian Mafia and can buy them anything they want.

At Chippendales, Pandy, Lisa and Taylor (pulling focus) are dragged up on stage for a “contest.”  Whichever one gives their guy the best lap dance, wins.  Pandy shimmies a touch, Lisa, however, gives it her best and the crowd goes wild.  Taylor, never told it was okay to be sensual, does the hokey pokey and she turns herself around, then sits down quickly.

(I felt bad for her, because when the emcee did the hand over the head, “who’s the best?” audience thing, Taylor was booed.  Aww.)  Lisa was the winner, like you had any doubt.  She also pretends like she’e embarrassed, but fully owns to wanting to lap dance for a “Chipmunk” again.  A+ honesty, Miss Lisa.

Kyle takes her girls (and mother in law) for mani-pedis so she can shop for an outfit for her upcoming White Party. They head to her niece Nicki Hilton’s consignment shop.  As Estella tries on some dress, she runs out to her car to get her credit card (that is how much money they have, they leave credit cards in their vehicles. Probably right on the dash, too.) and finds Kim.

Estella tries to make nice and asks her how she’s been, and Kim stands there confounded (almost looking pissed at being asked) and says tersely that she’s been moving.  Kim and Kyle go off by themselves (in the front window of the shop, you know, for privacy) as Estella takes the girls for ice cream or something.

Kim starts in on how this new relationship she has with Gimli-Golum is “harder than I thought.”  Her daughters hate him and won’t come around any more.  He doesn’t like her spending time with her kids.  All she wants is to love someone, and she doesn’t think Gimli-Golum loves her the same.  Also, he’s apparently really controlling, like “it’s bedtime” kind of controlling.  Oh, hell no, Miss Kim.

Kim starts weeping, Kyle is panicked, not knowing how to help but wanting to desperately.  She blots her sister’s face and tries to be gentle with her, trying to plant the seed that maybe this jerk Kim’s seeing isn’t the one, maybe she could see it to moving on?

Kim’s not ready to hear it, yet, she just wants to have someone and not be alone. Oh, Kim, you poor broken bird.  She bends over, unable to sit up from the force of her sobbing.  Oh, Kim!  Kyle is so upset that she starts crying.  Kyle pulls her into her arms and holds her, not knowing what the hell to do.

Yikes.

Next Week! It’s the last episode of the season, folks! Kim gets into Brandi’s face at the White Party. Russell threatens Camille with a law suit, forcing Mauricio and Kyle to kick him and Taylor out of her party. Drama is going to explode!

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