Let’s open the show with the girls in the limo looking forward to San Francisco while drinking loads of champagne. We meet Ben’s sister, Julia, who is going to meet the ho-testants. She’s excited to double date with Ben and his ho-testant one day…
Mr. Overpaid reminds the hoes that they may not all get a date with Ben, so they need to try to get as much time with him as they can, whenever they can. Someone might wanna let Blakeley know that means she has to share.
1st date card is Emily and the note says Love lifts us up.
Emily leaves the den of vipers and Courtney immediately tells the camera “I’m sure Ben’s date with Emily will be…boring.” Then she goes on to say that a lot of the girls are educated but she thinks book smart can be boring. Aw, the model-slash-actress is threatened by brains. She’ll make a terrible zombie one day.
We start the date with Ben telling Emily that they are going to view the city from the top of the Bay bridge. Neither do well with heights, but Ben thinks this is a good way to dive into the unknown together. She is trying not to freak out, but she’s willing to try. She does well for the first part of the climb, but when it starts to get steep, she starts to panic.
Meanwhile, back in the den of vipers, Jennifer is looking through the telescope and spots Ben and Emily on their climb up the bridge. She calls the girls over to watch. They all know Emily is afraid of heights so now they watch with bated breath to see if she’s going to make it. They don’t want her to fall, but…
After some ridiculously cheesy introspection about trust and climbing to the top together, Ben leans in and kisses Emily and she gets a “different kind of butterflies.” Naturally, they make it to the top after his magical bridge kiss. Then we get bridge/relationship metaphors and motivational poster material for days.
Dinner starts off with another motivational poster moment “To conquering our fears!” Ben is wearing enough chapstick that it looks like he’s been making out with a jar of vaseline. Emily tells about her attempt at online dating when she was matched with her older brother. That’s okay in 4 states, Em. Just move. Ben gives her a rose, they continue to make out, life is good for Eminemily. (Remember she rapped on episode 1 because she’s so “gangsta?” Yeah. Eminemily.)
The den of vipers receive their next group date card: Blakeley, Jaclyn, Kacie B, Erica, Samantha, Monica, Rachel, Nicki, Elyse, Casey S. “Let’s cross something off our leap list.”
Ben announces to the girls they are going snow skiing, and every one of them tug at their strapless/sleeveless tops and plaster a smile on their face and say, “WHAT?” tug, tug. Yeah, not one of them is dressed for snowcess. Next we have one long huge commercial for Honda CRV. Ugh. They’re driving CRVs and mentioning CRVs and the new features of the CRVs…blah blah blah.
Okay, the ski jump is actually a blocked off hill in San Fran and they strap on boots and wear bikinis to snow in. Yes. Bikinis. None of the girls seem able to ski, but poor Kacie B. was on her butt more than she was on her feet.
Back at the den of vipers, Emily, Brittney, Courtney, Jennifer and Lindzie are sitting around making small talk and Lindzie says she hopes she gets the next date card because she hasn’t spent any time with Ben since getting the 1st Impression Rose. The date card comes and it’s for Brittney and Brit is anything but excited. Seriously, I’ve seen girls more excited about waxing their mustache than this girl is about her one-on-one date. She tells the cameras she knows she should be excited, but she’s not. Instead she’s “torn and confused.” She admits this isn’t the right place for her, she doesn’t want to live with 25 other women and date the same guy and now that she’s tried it, she’s gonna go because her heart’s not in it. (I have to say, nobody seems surprised.)
It’s group date dinner time at a rainforest restaurant. First one-on-one time is with Rachel and she lays it on thick about how fun and funny and cool and chill he is. And after one good stroke of the ego, they start making out while the other girls watch. Ben spends a few minutes with Elyse, then Kacie B. steals him away for a walk. They make out on the street and she says she feels all better.
Ben is with Blakeley and asks how she’s doing. “They all hate me. They’re all spiteful and jealous.” Nobody’s jealous, Blakeley. You’re just a bitch. That’s all.
Brittney rolls her suitcase through the hotel and interrupts Ben and Blakeley to tell Ben that she thinks he’s going to find a great woman here, but it’s not her. Ben seems completely unphased by this, walks her to the cab and says, “Say hi to your grandma.” Ben goes back to the group date and gives the date rose to Rachel.
Brittney’s trash is another girl’s treasure, and Lindzie gets Brittney’s date.
They catch an empty trolley and tour San Francisco. They go to Swenson’s for ice cream, China Town, and wind up at City Hall. Ben has a key to the building, they walk in to a private concert given by Matt Nathanson. (I’M SO JEALOUS. I HEART MATT NATHANSON!) They dance and make out and dance and make out. Ben says Lindzie “has potential.”
After the concert, they go to a “speak easy” and they have dinner set up in a private room hidden behind a bookshelf. Next we have the typical get to know you conversation and she tells how her boyfriend of a year and a half broke up with her via text. “Babe, welcome to dumpsville, population you.” DAYUM! That’s cold. She gets the date rose, they make out, and there is not another trip to dumpsville tonight.
They end their date playing a duet on a bright red piano. They obviously had a great date and both seem to be really into each other by the time the night is over. I guess sometimes being the back up plan isn’t such a bad thing. I LOVE BEING 2ND CHOICE! Oh wait…
Uh oh, drama’s a brewing…this time it’s in the form of a stranger in a car who phones Mr. Overpaid to let him know she’s on her way to the hotel. JUST in time for the rose ceremony. SURELY THIS WASN’T PLANNED BY THE PRODUCERS…
We see the vipers toasting to a drama free night, which of course, is the most manufactured form of foreshadowing I’ve ever seen. And then we wait….because you know the mystery girl will be arriving any minute now.
Ben and Jennifer take a few minutes together and he tells her that hands down she’s the best kisser in the house. Jennifer tells him no one knows she kissed him, then they make out…as a bunch of vipers watch. Naturally, she’s “falling in love with him.”
Mystery girl identity is revealed! Shawntelle from Brad’s season…Brad sent her packing and the only reason she’s here is because Ben is her dream guy. She goes upstairs to change and plans to come to the rose ceremony.
Courtney tries to stir pot with some of the girls, and when nobody takes the bait she leaves. Eminemily says that Courtney needs to get diagnosed with a personality disorder. Eminemily is slowly becoming my favorite.
While Ben and Elyse are spending their one-on-one time together, Shawntelle struts in wearing her hot red dress and a smirk on her face. All the vipers get their panties knotted up about the strange girl as Shawntelle struts in and interrupts Ben and Elyse.
“Can I borrow him for a second?” Elyse just looks completely stunned. The girls figure out who she is and they watch as Shawntelle and Ben hug it out and talk. Shawntelle lets Ben know that she wants to get to know him better and wants to be at the rose ceremony and if he wants to give her a rose that would be great and if not, it ends here.
Ben is speechless. He introduces her to the vipers and then leaves her in the pit. She tells the girls she’s here to date Ben and they are like “OH NO YOU DI’INT.” The girls grill her and yell at her and she tells them that if they don’t want to be nice to her then they’re just insecure. Oh snap! That was a big skillet of truth served with a side of STFU.
My favorite part of all this…the girls are all “He doesn’t have to accept Brad’s leftovers.” Yeah, but y’all are more than willing to accept Ashley’s leftovers, aren’t ya?
Mr. Overpaid herds the vipers into the rose ceremony. Nobody is happy and this has definitely not been a drama free evening. Ben really likes Shawntelle so he’s not sure what he’s going to do…and we have a commercial break to make our anticipation even greater…
Many tears have been shed, and there are lots of sad and sulky faces at the rose ceremony. Lots of smeared mascara and this is even before anyone is sent packing. Damn.
Blah blah blah, we’re down to one rose, 3 women: Erika, Jaclyn and Shawntelle. Jaclyn starts mouthing that it looks like she’s getting dumped for a girl he’s known three minutes. Erika starts getting the vapors and says she doesn’t feel very well. Ben picks up the final rose and wants to say a few words…and Erika passes out. ARE YOU FREAKING SERIOUS? you ask. Why, yes. Yes I am. Ben rushes over, gets Erika some water, and everyone fakes concern.
Frankly, I found the whole damn thing funny as shit. Oh no! I may not get a rose and I must pass out from the horror! Give me a break. Or lay off the booze and eat a sandwich. I’m not gonna lie, you could use some meat on your bones.
Erika manages to regain her composure but not her dignity. Ben tells everyone sorry, but he’s sending all three girls packing. No FINAL ROSE FOR YOU! Later, bitches.
Erika falls to her knees, Jaclyn walks off heaving and crying, and Ben walks Shawntelle out as the vipers yell “see ya!” from behind their champagne flutes. Ben tells Shawntelle he’s flattered but it wouldn’t be fair to the other girls if he’d given her one.
Shawntelle is confused. Obviously, now she’s been dumped on the Bachelor twice…
The crazy just keeps coming… Tune in next week when the hoes head to Utah!