Well, this episode was aptly named. Yes to so much! And…no to things too. Today’s cocktail is in honor of the opening number and my undying love for making dirty jokes about Grease, even though it’s dirty enough on its own. Pink Lady (with a T-Bird Finish.) I’m a bad girl. (It’s subtle.)
Tina pulls on Mercedes’ arm wanting to know what’s going on with her and Sam? All the girls are just dying to know! Well, she was an exchange student from Australia, and Sam was just this wonderful guy at the beach… [Cue “Summer Lovin’” and boy, do I sing dirty lyrics to this song, every single time.]
The Pink Ladies (well, Rachel is wearing a red cloak) all “whoa whoa whoa!” to Mercedes as she sings, and when they cut to the T-Birds, Puck grabs Sam’s hand, kisses it, and then they “whoa whoa whoa!” Sam. Rory tries to fit in (bless his heart) and the fake accents on the guys to sound like they’s from thuh Branx is funny. Santana and Kurt are so over this and are sarcastic, and Santana is the perfect Rizzo. Sugar takes on Didi Conn’s part, Frenchy, and that was delightful. More Sugar Motta, Glee!
Mercedes and Sam, in split screen, nail the “Bu-hut, OH. Those summer, ni-hiiiiights!” part and [DRINK] for Mercedes hitting it like the diva she is.
We see Becky walking through the hallways and hear her voice-over. And she’s British. It’s Helen Mirren, actually, and I didn’t think I could love the woman more.
“I am the hottest bitch in this high school,” she thinks to herself. And she clarifies why she sounds British. Because she can be whomever she wishes in her mind, thank you very much. Now it’s time for Becky to get a dude. Rory smiles too much, Puck has a squirrel glued to his head, Mike is too fabulous and taken, and Artie… Hmm. That velvety voice, those glasses, and he’s handi-capable. Nice.
Eh, Sue thinks she could do better.
Beiste and Emma settle in to lunch and we learn that now Beiste is Beiste-Cooter? I think I’ll now call her Booter. Oh, do you feel like you got hit by a mack truck? Me, too. Turns out that on Christmas Eve at Taco Bell, Beiste told Cooter that he was her soul mate. (Never mind he was seeing Sue and dumped her, huh?) They hit the Gas-n-Sip-n-Weddin’-World around the corner and now they’re married. And have a 24-pack of Slim Jims!
Sue concedes her loss (ha) and realizes that her last option was now – shudder – David Boreanaz. Ha. Emma starts crying because she wants to get married and why won’t Will ask her? Sue rolls her eyes and smacks her with a feminist board. “Ask him yourself!”
Cue dream sequence where she sings, “Wedding Bell Blues” by the Fifth Dimension and we have a Schoner (Schuester boner that the writers have) as she imagines asking him to marry her. The song ends with her standing in front of him and HEY-O. That was out loud. Um… She bolts, horrified. Will stands there almost laughing at her. What is going on with Will Schuester in this episode? I am so confused as to what the intent is from the writers. One thing makes up for this, and that’s the shot of Sue in The Hat as original worn by HRH Princess Beatrice of York (whoops! wrong title from my end) at Will and Kate’s wedding. Awesome. (Or as I call them, Bill and Katie.)
Will races to the classroom, writes “Marry Me?” on the white board [DRINK] and Brittany wonders when did they start dating? I mean, she’s dumb, but she’s not stupid… No, no, Will tells his class of children (who are all 37, we know; work with me) that he is going to make an honest woman of Emma Pilsbury. Those weren’t derisive laughs in the teacher’s lounge, they were full of LOVE. The kids all cheer, because maybe if he gets some on the regular, he’ll chill the hell out in class.
So, class assignment is for them to come up with his proposal. BECAUSE THAT IS OKAY. I wouldn’t hate knowing that my fiance decided to defer the how he asked me to his class. For a grade. As homework. [DRINK. I said DRINK.]
Sam hits on Mercedes after class, wanting to know if it’s the James Earl Jones impression that turned her off, or…? Look, Sam, you’re still unbelievably attractive and all (you were a stripper, boo), but you don’t have a Letterman Jacket (you’re poor) and she has a man (because we’re told. Oh, whoops, there he is!). But Sam remembers the Tilt-A-Whirl where she was pressed up against him so tightly and there was laughing and they swam through rainbows and sunshine until the little girl with the corn dog threw up. Does that mean nothing to you, Mercedes?
Artie nervously approaches Sugar and asks if she’d be interested in working on a number with him. Strictly professional, he assures her. Um… Artie? Sugar doesn’t want to lead you on. And it’s not because of the wheelchair, it’s because your useless legs might look thinner than her arms. So… Here’s a condescending head pat. Best reason ever to not date someone, Sugar. Becky shows up right about now, smooths his hair, and asks him out. Oho, Glee, I see what you are doing, and I like it. Artie looks nervously at her, GULP! [And DRINK.]
Sam begs Coach Booter to be put on the basketball team. No can do, kid. Any team will do, Coach, really. She strokes her beard and grins. And then Glee makes up for all the wrongs it has done (not really) by giving me shirtless Sam Evans once again. [DRINK] Sam is now on the synchronized swim team. Huzzah!
He gets told about Letterman Bathrobes (ooh, denied again) when an excellent moment of stunt casting happens. NeNe, of Real Housewives of Atlanta “fame,” turns up as the swim coach. Oh, if only this aired on MLK Day. She tells him promptly that he is strange.
“I have never seen lips like that on a white child, and one of your nipples is higher than the other. I bet you had to overcome a lot with those crooked nipples. […] I know from suffering. I was told black people don’t swim. […] I made it to the promised land! I got my Forty Acres and a Pool!”
Sold it, NeNe. Sold it. [DRINK] She’s an Olympian for Individual Synchronized Swimming. (I wish they hadn’t explained the joke to Sam, though. Let jokes sit. It makes those of us who get them feel cooler than the rubes.) She leans in close and says with menace, “If you pee in my pool, I will kill you.”
Sam later brags to Finn about being on this awesome team, and Finn edges away from him. Sam may as well start speaking in Klingon and show up in his LARPing outfit. He’s headed over to Mercedes to pitch some woo, when Rick “The Stick” and some other hockey bros slushie him. “Synchronized!” they yell. Oh, that’s gotta hurt. Mercedes sees it all, wants to help him, but her lunkhead boyfriend is not okay with that and drags her off. Cue the Charlie Brown music as Sam is left Forever Alone. (Let’s get real. Chord Overstreet is freaking gorgeous. Kids, lemme help you out at that school by taking him off your hands.)
Artie and the guys work on their assignment for Will by saying he shouldn’t do anything sappy, but something with hip thrusts. Because, as Artie says to his teacher who allows him to say this, “You have rock-star hips.” Mike adds, “It’s true. Mick Jagger hips.” Hey, hammer to anvil, guess what song they’re going to sing? But NO. You do not say these things to your teacher. [DRINK]
And they sing “Hips Like Jagger” by Maroon 5 and Artie is outstanding vocally, as we knew he’d be, and the writers who have been denied their Schoner Boner story lines and allowed to put Will in slow-mo shots of ballet-type moves with added hip thrusts. (I was too busy trying to watch Darren Criss in the back row making love to his microphone stand. I am nothing if not predictable. And right.) Raise your hand if you noticed how they kept poor Finn out of blocking for each camera angle? Oh, Cory. I still like you and want to watch you every week.
Artie wraps up the song with a bow (Kevin McHale, I love love love when you get to sing R & B) and Becky has come to watch. And it seems that this was “the date” Artie planned. Ooh, that’s a dick move, bro! She promptly informs him that no, it isn’t. “Breadstix. Dinner. Be there.” I love it.
Finn goes with his teacher (I just want to make sure we all remember that within the show, they are students. With their teacher.) to pick out wedding rings. Will asks Finn to be his best man, and Will? You need adult friends. At first I thought he’d choose Coach Booter, but I bet Emma wants her? I don’t know. All I know is that Will really needs some outside activities. Finn picks a ring that will be easiest for Emma to clean, and that is hilarious. And then Finn tells Will something in confidence: he’s talking to Army recruiters. Will’s smile fades fast as Finn turns away, excited.
Rachel, Tina, Mercedes and Santana (no Brit) go to work on their assignment for Will. They ask him what he thought of the first time he saw Emma, leading into Roberta Flack’s “The First Time Ever I Saw Your Face,” and that album of Roberta’s was on in my house daily when I was growing up. We were very Motown. Rachel starts and flashes on the first time she saw Finn (aww) and she’s already crying. [DRINK.] The girl can sell emotion, let’s just put that out there.
Tina picks up the lead and flashes to a moment with Mike at a sweet picnic filled with love and laughing (and dim sum.) Then Santana starts singing and thinks on a moment with Brittany as she sings, “The first time ever I laid with you,” and they cut to the two girls smiling shyly at each other at their lockers and it is so, so sweet. [DRINK.] Finally, a Brittana moment! (Which means other ships will be denied, natch. Namely, Klaine.) Mercedes sings and immediately thinks of Shane shoving fourteen burgers in his mouth as the football team cheers him on.
WAIT. Hold the phone, she thinks of Sam Evans (as is right in the universe) and comes back to herself with a thud as Rachel takes the number on home. And in the flash from earlier, we see Finn finally turning around to check her out. Aww. This number sounded gorgeous, by the way. Stunning, ladies.
Mercedes snaps out of it and races to the bathroom, upset that she thought of Sam. The girls console her and Rachel tells her to just listen to her heart.
Emma’s horribly racist and awful parents are at Will’s house, bitching about everything. One thing they’re happy about: Comrade Obama didn’t lock them up in Ginger Concentration Camps like that video they were emailed promised. (M.I.A., Born Free, one of the best videos ever.) Will says he wants their blessing to marry Emma.
Uh… you aren’t charmed by my butt chin? By my proper manners? Not really, Will, they think their daughter is awful and you’re about to saddle yourself with misery. Emma’s mother essentially says that Emma is broken, and is he really going to tie himself down with that? Oy. Best. Parents. Never.
Back at McKinley, a Glee-tervention is held for Artie, as they’ve heard he went to dinner with Becky, and they don’t want him to hurt her. What’s that all about, Artie? That’s mean, Artie. Artie. Come on. And then Artie schools them all. He flashes back to dinner where Becky made him laugh, was really fun, and surprise! Just because she has Down’s doesn’t mean she’s not fun to be with. (Thank you, Glee. Truly.) He tells them all he likes her.
Santana pipes up with, “I know that girl. She’s a sly, conniving bitch.” Naya has been getting the best lines for weeks now.
Artie informs them that he happens to enjoy her company, and there’s nothing wrong with that (he’s right) and they’re jackasses for automatically assuming things and denying Becky a chance to have a friend to hang with. BOOM, drops the mic, rolls out. [DRINK]
Finn walks into his own intervention with Emma and Will…and Burt and Carole. Will told his parents about the army thing. Finn is mad, but still defends himself: I want to contribute in a meaningful way to this world. I love you, Finn Hudson. Burt tries the “but who is going to run the shop while I’m in DC? I was counting on you, Finn” angle with a reassurance that he is pro-military.
Finn has grown up in the shadow of his war hero father. He wants to follow in his footsteps. And then the plot twist that I did not see coming (and well done, Glee) happens.
Carole, who is crying and made me cry, lets the cat out of the bag about the Elder Hudson. He didn’t die in Iraq. Not physically. He came back…broken. And addicted to drugs. He was dishonorably discharged and spent the last few weeks of his life in Cincinnati (he left Carole and baby Finn) high, and then died of an overdose. Carole is utterly sobbing as she tells him this, that she wanted him to know his DAD, not the stranger that he was for the last short period of his life.
Finn naturally feels betrayed, trying to make her understand that her waiting to tell him when he “was ready” was stupid, because how can anyone be ready to hear that!? He’s not wrong.
Becky walks through the hallway with her Helen Mirren voice-over, preening about going to the Special Olympics Ball with a medal and a man. And she absolutely rocks. (You go, girl.) And then she sexts Artie, telling him that’s what he’s got to look forward to later that night. “Later, my place. We’re going to do it.”
Artie hears a perpetual needle on the record. Uh oh. He goes straight to Coach Sue, who asks, “Did Brittany ever do this?” He confirms it. And Sue gives him a look: …and? You never complained about Brit… (Thank you, Sue, for always being the one to champion normalcy for differently-abled people.) She tells Artie that he needs to treat her like any other girl: you want to go out, or you don’t. That’s all there is to it.
Emma is at home polishing the ornaments as she puts them away (it takes her a good month to pack it up) when Will gets home. She makes him sit in a specific chair (he’s noting all of this OCD behavior) and she asks him nervously if eventually he wants to make her his wife. Will, looking confused, says, “Of course!” So…? And then Will loses any and all sympathy with me by agreeing with her horrible parents. He wants to know what’s going to happen if they have a baby and it spits up? What if it’s too much for her?
She looks confused. She’s taking meds to help with the OCD, she’s seeing a therapist, what does anyone do when life gets hard? You work with what you have. Will says, “Sometimes it just seems so hopeless.” WOW, DUDE.
And she explains to him, tearfully, that she’s trying her best– wait, you know what? “This is what you get. This incomplete person with so much love for you.” Oh, Emma, you are delightful and a broken baby bird and I want to smooth your feathers. And smoosh you back with Dr. Carl. She tells him to make up his mind soon so they can stop spinning their wheels.
Kurt, Finn, and Rachel are having a “Senior Year isn’t turning out like we thought” dinner. Finn’s upset with his “loser DNA.” Kurt and Rachel are convinced they’re not getting into NYADA – they’ve heard that people are getting their letters. They haven’t yet. Uh oh. Kurt signals for multiple cheesecakes while Finn bemoans them never getting out of Lima.
Rachel starts singing “Without You” by David Guetta, singing with all the love in her heart to him. Aww. They’re making me love Finchel again. It cuts to the classroom where we have all of the couples shoot significant looks of meaning to one another, but only one really resonated with me. Mercedes smiles shyly at Sam, Blaine and Kurt toss a look to each other (Blaine sold it, Kurt seemed…off to me. It made me sad.) [DRINK for Klaine, our only real moment]
Brittany is staring at Santana, who looks forward smiling, and Mike and Tina snuggle in the background. Aww. Rachel imagines she’s singing to no one but Finn, who is goo-goo eyed for her, and they’re really sweet. And then, back in the classroom Santana, who looks like she’s near tears as she smiles, is gripping Brittany’s hand for all it’s worth and I got seriously choked up. Oh, girls! [DRINK]
While Rachel and Finn make out in front of the class, the other kids ask Will which song he’s going to pick. He’s not sure, and needs to think about it. Mm hmm. Cut to Will watching Emma scrub her office until Sam pulls him aside with an idea. It’s so convoluted, the whole Sam on swim team, but I don’t care because.
Will takes Emma’s hand and walks her down the hallway as random strangers hand her white roses (including Sue, and there’s a continuity error here, but that’s just Glee.) Rhianna’s “We Found Love” is being sung by Rachel in the background, and Will leads Emma to the indoor pool where the Gleeks and Swim team are putting on an amazing synchronized number with wonderful costumes. The boys jump into the water (Kurt does a spin, ha!), Artie dumps himself in on his wheelchair, later to be found in a floatie doing the arm motions while everyone else does a great routine.
It’s adorable! I love synchronized swimming, as well! And then they have to ruin it for me by making Will into Jesus with him walking on water in a gee dee top hat (not a fan of top hats on bony faces.) Emma is across the pool, shocked, and then Will whips off his hat and dives into the water, swimming up to her. (You know she loved the hint of chlorine on his skin – better than Marc Jacobs ‘Rain,’ I’m sure) and he tells her that she’s the one. They can do it together, she helps him as much as he helps her, and life’s messy, but there’s enough bleach to fix it. He gets on one knee and hands her a soggy ring box. “Will you do me the honor of becoming my wife?”
YES. The crowd goes wild, and Rachel and Kurt – holding hands – bounce up and down and I love Rachel and Kurt as friends, never split them up again, writers!
Later, Artie finds Becky and lays it on her. He really likes being her friend. But that’s all they are. She nods, asking if he just finds her too intimidating. “I get that a lot.” I love Becky as a bad ass, I really, really do.
But as she walks away with a sniff at Artie’s inferior decision, the voice-over starts with her saying sadly (in Helen Mirren’s voice) that she knows it’s because she has Down’s. “Some days it sucks being me. This is one of those days.”
For all that Glee gets wrong, boy, when they get it right, it is a straight shot to my heart. As the sister of a mentally disabled person, every time they use Jean or Becky to make a point about how they’re untouchables and how wrong that is, it utterly kills me. And I’m grateful for it every time. [DRINK]
Sue consoles Becky with some ice cream, some Lifetime television for ovaries starring Meredith Baxter Burney, and a whole lot of love. Sue, you’re good people. Waaaaaaaay down deep.
Rachel joins Finn in the auditorium where he’s looking at a picture of his dad. He confesses that he’d always wanted to be a man like him, but now he’s worried that he will. And then he makes her promise to not say a word until he’s finished talking. She agrees, all smiles.
Finn wants to be a part of something special, that’s all. And he realized that she is his something special that he gets to be a part of. “But there’s you: a beacon of light, a big gold star.” He got a credit card and bought a small box. (Oh no.) He gets down on one knee. (Oh, no, Finn.)
“Will you marry me?”
And if you didn’t think they’d cliffhanger this, you’re not paying attention. FINN WALLABY HUDSON ESQUIRE THE NINTH, what are you thinking? Oh, right, you’re a senior in a small town; this is what happens. (Doesn’t mean it’s right.)
We have a two week hiatus (AGAIN) until we get our answers. Enough with the hiatuses! (CLICK HERE FOR MICHAEL, EP 11!) So tell me what you think: were you satisfied by the Klaine smile and I’m out of touch? Were you moved by Santana and Brittany? Did you want to rush out and buy those cute 40s style bathing suits on the girls?