The Bachelor; Season Ben; Episode 4

Welcome to Park City, Utah! Ben brings the ho-testants here because he
wants them to experience the outdoors with him. His goal is to remain
open and honest. And hopefully not get saddle sore as he rides a horse
up a rocky mountain. /Motivational Poster Moment as he dismounts.

Nicki is very nervous this week. She hasn’t had a one-on-one date yet.
Kacie B. says that Utah is the perfect place to fall in love. I figure
it’s the perfect place for Ben to choose more than one wife. Who knew
ABC was going to jump on the sister wife bandwagon?

Mr. Overpaid reminds the girls to use their alone time with Ben wisely.
There are many examples of “wisely” that I can think of, sadly he just
tells them not to talk about the weather. Got it. No small talk. Boy
he’s good at his job.

The first date card arrives and Kacie B. is already hoping she gets
another one-on-one date with Ben and if she doesn’t, she’s gonna be
hurt. This is one naive little southern belle. Ben has a chance to get
“one-on-one” time with all the ladies, hon. Unless you used your “one-
on-one” time wisely (and by wisely, I mean oral verbal
stimulation) then you’re not getting another date until he’s been
stimulated by everyone.

It seems that Rachel gets to “Let nature take its course” in Utah with
Ben. See? Even the note writers get it.

Rachel admits that her last relationship ended because she has
oral communication issues so that puts a lot of pressure on this
date… Nevermind the pressure of sharing 1 guy with 20+ other women on
national tv…

Kacie B. cries in her private interview about how hard it is to know
that someone else got the date card that she wanted so desperately. “I
just want to spend time with him.” Pssst, Kacie…you know the concept
of the show, right? Now be a good girl and share your Lego. And blow
your nose. Damn.

Jesus. She’s still crying. PUT A SOCK IN IT. Ben shows up to pick up
Rachel for their date and Kacie says, “At least I get to see him for a
minute.”

Oh honey. This is gonna end badly for you, I think. You might wanna
brush up on your baton twirling for future dates with future
bachelors…

Things get worse for Kacie as Ben and Rachel take off in a helicopter.
“I don’t wanna see them in a helicopter together.” *sniff, sniff* SHE
DOES KNOW SHE’S ON THE BACHELOR, RIGHT? I mean, c’mon sister…

The chopper lands and they carry a picnic to the lake, where a canoe
happens to be waiting for them. And the conversation gets really deep:
“This is nice.” “This is romantic.” “This IS nice.” “So nice.”

Those are direct quotes. Then they kiss. Stilted conversations run
deep.

The picnic is just like every other first date we’ve had on this show,
except the conversation is painfully awkward. It is small talk central.
Gulp champagne…”God it’s nice out here.” “Look there’s a beaver dam.”
Gulp, gulp.

Even Ben acknowledges the conversation is lagging. “I need to know
she’s more than just a beautiful woman.” Well, keep chugging that
champagne and you’ll find out, I’m sure. Or you’ll pass out and it
won’t matter…

Now we get to dinner and the first thing Rachel says? “Nice scenery
today.” Maybe she needed to listen to Mr. Overpaid’s advice. Ben says
this is the first date that hasn’t gone well, because she’s not opening
up. She doesn’t like opening up. *crickets*

Back at the Ho-stead the group date card arrives. We hear Kacie say
“I’m used to having him all to myself. It will be hard to have a group
date.” Kacie, hon? You’ve been on ONE single date with Ben. ONE. Uno.
Een. ???. En. Yksi. Ein. ????. ???.

Needless to say, you’re not “used” to having him all to yourself,
honey. You just want to. And again, I feel compelled to ask you if you
are even aware of the concept of the show…

Jamie, Casey S. Lindzi, Blakeley, Samantha, Nicki, Kacie B., Courtney.
“Let’s see if you’re a great catch.”

The tension in the house is thicker than Paula Deen’s butter order.
Nobody likes Courtney because she’s condescending and cold to everyone
but Ben. EminEmily especially can’t stand her. And here’s where we are
going to have a problem. In EVERY single season of the Bachelor, one or
more of the ho-testants try to convince the guy that the girl he is
crushing on so hard, is a fake.

AND IT ALWAYS BACKFIRES. (I refer you to Jake the Fake and Vienna
Sausage if you would like proof.)

Courtney is a horrid girl. She is definitely getting the bad girl,
crazy-eyed edit. But, Ben likes her. You can’t spend your time
with Ben focusing on another girl. IT’S JUST NOT SMART.

And we know EminEmily is smart, because she’s getting her PHd in
Epidemiology…however, it looks like her brains are gonna take a long
hot soak in stupid tonight…

Meanwhile, back at Camp Boring, Ben is continuing to try to get Rachel
to talk. He tells her that he’s looking for someone to be open. Her
response? “Man, this fire’s hot.” He talks, and talks, and talks and
she says, “Right.” Finally, she admits that communication is not her
strong suit. She’s honest, and will tell him anything, but he will have
to ask her. She isn’t good at just opening up. And that she’s taking a
big chance right now by just telling him this.

He tells her he thinks they have a good vibe. (Awkward and silent has
a vibe…who knew?) He offers her the rose, they kiss and they go make
s’mores (not a euphemism). Ben says he likes being around Rachel and
calls what they have started a “slow burn.” (Honey, if it burns, see a
doctor.)

It’s group date time and Ben arrives on horseback. It’s supposed to be
sexy, but the horse has to cross a fast moving creek and Ben looks like
he’s gonna fall off mid-stream. The ho-testants cat-call and howl
anyway. He’s “hot” on horseback. A knight in shining armor…(I think a
City Slickers reference would be more accurate here.)

He tells the girls they are gonna ride horses and go fly-fishing.
Lindzi is in her element, Samantha is terrified.

They arrive at the river, where they all have boots, waders and rods
waiting for them. They have to catch their lunch! (Yeah right.) We
still hear about how hard it is for Kacie to see Ben with other girls
and how badly she needs to be reassured by him. And on the other side
of that, is Courtney where we get some of my all time favorite crazy-
eyed quotes. “I know this is a fishing date, but let’s be honest, it’s
not about catching trout; it’s about catching Ben.”

“I’ve never been fishing before, but catching a fish probably isn’t
that much harder than catching a man. I’ve done that before.”

“I think Kacie B’s cute and sweet, but she’s kinda annoying. I don’t
feel threatened by any of the girls, let alone Kacie B. I’m gonna turn
this group date into a one-on-one date.”

And that’s exactly what Courtney did. She took him to a more private
part of the river and told him she’s gonna catch him a fish. Let’s face
it, this is all about winning for her. It has nothing to do with Ben.
Lindzi makes a very poor attempt to interrupt their alone time but
she’s too far away and doesn’t really speak to them. She just stands
there…and awkwardly watches as Courtney catches a fish.

“I think Lindzi could have stayed back and it would have been less
awkward for her. I caught a fish and her head almost popped off she was
so jealous. She would have caught that fish with her teeth if she could
have.”

Oh Courtney. You are quotations gold. As my friend Christa said
yesterday, “I bet she even smells crazy.”

I love the smell of crazy on a Monday…

Courtney is thriving in the group date setting (at least, in her mind
she is). She feels sorry for the other girls for having to watch their magical
connection.

Ben is clueless. He thinks this group of girls is the perfect
selection. He’s completely oblivious to how the others feel about
Courtney and it’s awesome because the damns she gives, is zero.

He takes Casey S. aside for some alone time. They seem to get along
well, share a smooch, but it’s nothing really worth reporting on.
Sister did not win herself a date rose, that’s for sure. Kacie B. and
Courtney both expect to get the date rose tonight…and they are going
to battle it out with two different weapons. Passive (Kacie) and
Passive Aggressive (Courtney. Duh.).

While Casey S. and Ben are discussing how many times they’ve been in
love, the ho-testants are toasting to “No interruptions tonight.” Nicki
says, “Yeah, I can’t say I won’t interrupt.” Little miss 3rd group date
needs some one-on-one stimulation…So she hops up and cuts in…

She starts her time with Ben by thanking him for taking her on a date
every week…that a lot of the girls wouldn’t appreciate that the dates
have all been group dates, but she’s happy to see him and spend time
with him and kissy kissy.

It’s Samantha’s turn to interrupt and she starts in the same way but
she says she doesn’t understand why she’s only been on group dates and
she wants more alone time. What does this mean? And in her private
interview, her inner nutjob comes out when she says, “I feel like I
should already have a ring on my finger!” After 3 group dates? Wow. I
bet she paid $500/oz. for her special brand of crazy.

I’m sad to report this tactic didn’t work on Ben and he tells her,
honestly, that she’s highly emotional on all the dates. He says it’s
hard for him to justify giving her a one-on-one. And that’s when he
tells her he doesn’t see this going any further and he doesn’t think
she’s taking it seriously enough. She stares at him open-mouthed,
licking her lips in shock. She walks away in tears and the girls see
her and say, “She’s always crying.” And that’s why she’s leaving before
the rose ceremony…

And then we get another Courtney quote. “It’s so great to see Ben
sending girls home. She was abrasive and rubbed me the wrong way. Ben
is making decisions for the both of us. Another one bites the dust.”

Meanwhile, back at the Ho-stead…. it’s one-on-one date card
time…”Jennifer, let’s pick our love song.”

Elyse and Monica are left off the date list this week. Not looking
good…

Kacie B. and Ben get their alone time and we hear her tell Ben how hard
it is…she starts her passive attempt to gain the rose. “No matter
where we go I want to spend time with you. Any chance I get.” Ben
admits he wanted to kiss her so badly in the creek but couldn’t do that
on the group date with everyone watching. “You just reassure me every
now and again. This is good.” Smooch, smooch, smooch. “It’s early and
that’s what scares me about this.” “I’m in trouble with Kacie B. my
feelings for her are growing faster than most. But it’s early.”

Now it’s passive-aggressive time… “Don’t poke the bear. I think I’m
just gonna steal him away and get the rose. Sorry.”

Courtney and Ben go upstairs, they make out a lot and Courtney says, “I
really like you, but…it’s tough. I’m not insecure. But today with
Lindzi, it kind of spoiled my feelings for you. It made me lose sight
of what I’m feeling for you.”

Ben is shocked. “I have feelings for you. I genuinely like you. It
hasn’t changed.”

Courtney pouts and shrugs. “Okay. I didn’t want to put it on you
because you have all these great girls here…It’s just hard.”

Bravo Courtney. Well played. Make him want to reassure you with the
rose by pretending to be vulnerable and questioning his feelings.

“Can you wait right here a bit?” Ben asks.

“Mmhmm,” she answers…and as he walks away she smirks and sips her
wine.

“Winning,” she says in her private interview. “Winning.”

What did I tell you guys? She wants to win.

Kacie B. is pissed. They had a great moment and he basically slapped
her in the face by giving that rose to Courtney…a girl who is nothing
like her. Then she says, “Sometimes you have to wait years for a love
like this…”

Uh oh. She’s been spritzing herself with the parfum d’crazy.

The next day Ben picks Jennifer up for their date and Courtney predicts
they they will be great friends but she doesn’t know that Jen will come
back with a rose.

Benifer (sorry, I just had to go there) hike to an area that is posted
“No Trespassing” and Jen is all nervous. They get to a rusty cage over
a deep hole. They are gonna repel down and drop into a blue hole. She’s
all nervous about being 300 ft below ground and landing in swamp water.
I would be more nervous about rappelling in the tiny bikini…but
whatever.

Back at the den of vipers, the ho-testants are all talking about
Courtney and she saunters in, sits down, and the room grows thick with
tension. Courtney just smirks and paints her nails…

The one-on-one date is boring. They rappel down the crater and then
unhook and fall into a beautiful blue hole. We get some good
motivational trust and conquer poster material though. I wish this show
came with a can of Easy Cheez.

Naturally, Jennifer is already falling for him.

After the cave date, they take a ski lift ride just as a giant storm
rolls in. The most Ben can say about Jennifer is she’s a good kisser
and seems to be outdoorsy. It starts pouring rain, interrupting their
deep conversation, they run into the building and both think it’s super
romantic. Blah blah blah, they have dinner, he gives her the rose and
they go to a Clay Walker concert, make out in front of a crowd and
dance.

But that’s not where the fun is…no, let’s go back to the ho-stead
where shit is about to go down.

The girls are talking about how likeable Jennifer is, so they are all
sure that Ben is having a great time because who wouldn’t like
Jennifer?

I’ll give you a guess…it’s the girl making faces… Courtney says,
“She just seems really normal” and then tightens her lips like
‘normal’ is a bad thing. *crickets* “I get along really well with guys,
that’s really natural to me. Not hanging in a house with 25 women.” A
couple of girls snort. Yeah, that’s a duh statement if ever there was
one, Courtney.

Blakeley is doing EminEmily’s roots while Monica and Elyse watch. They
talk about how cold Courtney is and why can’t Ben see it and EminEmily
says, “Because nobody’s told him.” And this is when I see it’s not
going to end well… Again, haven’t these girls ever watched this show?

Cocktail party time and EminEmily is going on and on about Courtney and
Courtney says she’s ready for a bomb to go off at any time because she
has heard people talking about her.

Ben pulls Monica to the side for some alone time, which we never see,
which tells us all we need to know and EminEmily keeps focusing on
Courtney and says she thinks she’s going to have to say something to
Ben. “Courtney is like a statue. Beautiful but cold.”

Finally she and Ben are together and despite me shaking my head and
sighing loudly, EminEmily goes forth with her plan to tell Ben that
Courtney is a big fake mcfakeypants.

Ben tries to stop her when she says, “There is one girl here who is
different around you than the rest of the girls.”

“I don’t know who you’re talking about and I don’t expect you to throw anyone under the bus.”

Yep, EminEmily’s brain took a bath in stupid tonight. “Well that’s the
thing, on this group date she got the rose.”

“This will end up in your own demise if you let this consume you and
not focusing on us.”

THIS IS GOOD ADVICE, HOMEGIRL.

Their alone time ended awkwardly… and to make EminEmily’s predicament
worse, she doesn’t keep her mouth shut in a group of ho-testants where
Courtney’s only friend is sitting. Em says she thinks she blew it by
telling Ben there was a girl who showed him a different side of herself
than what they see.

Casey S. says, “I don’t know who you’re talking about?”

“Courtney.”

“She’s not a fake person.”

EminEmily: “COURTNEY’S NOT A FAKE PERSON? Casey. You’re the only one
who thinks she’s awesome. She’s not sweet. She’s actually mean.”

Casey: “She’s sweet to people who are sweet to her.”

Then Casey jumps up and says she’s gonna go get a drink and heads right
over to Courtney.

“She thinks you’re mean.”

Here’s a link to the conversation. It’s totally worth watching.

Courtney calls EminEmily an idiot for wasting her one-on-one time with
Ben. The she says, “I’m a nice person. Don’t fuck with me. I almost
wanna rip her head off or verbally assault her. Or shave her eyebrows
off.” Obviously she bathed in the parfum d’crazy tonight because all
nice people wanna shave someone’s eyebrows off…

“I don’t start fights. I finish them. She should watch herself.”

Things go from awesome to awesomer when Courtney confronts EminEmily
while Ben is upstairs talking about the weather with Nicki. (It started
snowing…)

EminEmily knows she made a mistake and thinks she might be going home
and Courtney is hoping that will happen. Courtney joins Em’s group and
stares Em down. “She’s fucked,” Courtney says.

Kacie tries to engage the entire group and asks, “How many of you have
learned more about yourself these past two weeks than in the past two
years.” Everyone raises her hand but Courtney.

“I know myself really well. It’s a fair question, I can only be honest.
I haven’t learned anything new.”

EminEmily says, “I think most people would disagree with you.”

Courtney laughs.

“What are you laughing at here?”

“Hah. You.” Deadpan stare.

“Why?” EminEmily asks, while clenching her buttocks.

“You know why.” Silence. “My guard is up with you. You talked bad about
me to Ben and to my best friend here.”

EminEmily: “Wha? Wha? What are you talking about.”

Courtney: “Oh I know. I’m up on it. So…”

EmiEmily: “We’re not in 5th grade anymore. Let’s be adults.”

Courtney: “You’re on my shit list. Good look. Good look, Emily. Winning.”

Then we go to the private interview and Courtney is stroking her face with her rose and she says, “Oh look! I have a rose! Hmmm.”

Ding ding ding! Sorry to interrupt the best part of the show, but it’s time for the Rose Ceremony…

Only 1 girl is gonna be sent home… Is it going to be EminEmily who tried to toss Courtney under the bus? Or is it going to be Monica, whose one-on-one time wasn’t even shown on screen…

Much to Courtney’s dismay, Ben gives EminEmily a rose and sends Monica packing. She doesn’t even seem surprised. I’m sure he probably told her during their one-on-one time that she was going home.

On the other hand, Emily and Courtney both were a little flabbergasted. Next week’s ride on the Crazy Train should be fantastic…Especially since the preview for the episode shows Courtney whisking Ben off to go skinny dipping…while everyone watches from the Viper’s Nest.

 

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