I don’t know how they packed so much story around all the songs, but well done, Glee. The kids find out which colleges they’re going to, Artie busts a mother truckin’ groove, and even though I cringed in a few places, they rocked the Michael episode. In honor of getting rocked by a Jackson, today’s cocktail is for those who know the backstory on the Jackson 5: The Gary, Indiana. (Better watch yourself, or Joe’ll get the belt!)
Get your Bingo Card here! Today’s free space is to do what Joe TELLS YOU TO DO. Tito? Get in the back and sway with your brothers. (In other words: drink when a Jackson song plays. Yep, we getting’ messed up.)
The former Trouble-Tones are moaning about their missed opportunity to perform Michael Jackson, because the Gleeks already did at Sectionals. But hey, the Cirque du Soliel that’s based on Jackson is coming to town soon, so? Mercedes corrects errbody: I don’t want to witness Michael, I want to be Michael. Well, Janet. Blaine lightbulbs the song they should do: “You Wanna Be Startin’ Something?”
This dapper mo-fo busts out the side lean and song with Mercedes, Kurt, Santana and Brittany bringing up the background. He sounds pretty damn delicious, I have to say, and the extra dancers who come out of nowhere are outstanding. They take it to the library, nope, no one wants to be starting something in there. Hallways? Not there either. What about the auditorium? Mama say mama saw mama coo saw! The Gleeks not only start something, but they shut that summbiz down. They can make it work, guys! They just need Michael. [DRINK!]
Finn finds Rachel at her locker and shoots her the hopeful puppy eyes. Remember that whole, “Would you marry me” thing?
Rachel: Um…homina homina homina
Finn: Look, rings will remind us to not like other people because we love each other.
Rachel: That’s romantic! And crazy. You get that it’s crazy, right? Because it’s crazy?
Finn: This isn’t going as I planned… so… you keep thinking and I’ll get back with you?
Rachel: (mutters) …in four years, maybe.
The gang is hanging at the Lima Bean, sharing their Michael memories, which is hilarious because they are all 17 and Michael is dead. Wait, that’s not funny. But I guess they had parents who kept VHS tapes and stuff? Artie remembers that he had a pet monkey and the Elephant man’s bones! Kurt loved his military jackets and bling, duh. Rachel doesn’t give a shit. Blaine-
Wait, what? Rachel, explain yourself! “I just don’t get him.” Kurt explains slowly and with small words that Michael was besties with Liz Taylor and Liza Minelli. What’s to understand? Santana tells her after almost tossing her coffee cup in Rachel’s face that she lucked out because “it wasn’t nearly scalding enough.”
Slither slither here comes Sebastian! “Hey Lover-Blaine! Oh, and everyone else.” Blaine tugs at his collar (boy, you got some ‘splainin’ to do!). Kurt hisses, “Does he live here or something? I mean, seriously. You’re always here.”
“Say, I’m ignoring you because I’m a pinched face weasel. Also, Blaine – when we were chatting on the phone this morning talking about our hopes and dreams and how many fingers you like, you let it oopsie doodle slip out that you guys were doing Michael, so…we’re going to, now. Oh, and we’re going first, so you’ll look all Sparkle Fingers-Bring it On if you ‘copy us.’ ”
As “Got Me Workin’” plays in the background, [DRINK] Kurt looks daggers at his boyfriend, which draws Sebastian’s attention. “Oh, Gayface! I didn’t recognize you in boy clothes. One day the puberty fairy will come. Maybe.”
Santana blows up her feathers shouting, “LIMA HEIGHTS! RAZORBLADES! NO ME GUSTA!”
Sebastian merely smirks, saying, “Oooh, I’m racist and a jackass. Slur slur my face is tiny at the bottom and unbalanced, racial slur slur, oh, and I’m Captain of the Warblers because apparently Wes and David left and the council is no more. I guess. Toodles! Blaine? Call me!” he mouths.
The kids are having panic attacks in the classroom when Puck brings up the fact that Blaine ratted them out. “Once a Warbler, always a Warbler.” (Blood in, blood out.) “You’re a modern day Eggs Benedict!”
Finn uses his tender voice and sleepy eyes to tell them, shh. “It’s our last year. Let’s untuck our panties and dig deep! Go the distance! Not put Baby in the corner!”
Mr. Schue pats his shoulder. “Finn’s right. Baby never belongs in the corner.” He writes “WWMJD” on the white board [DRINK] and wants to know what they think a bizarre (and dead) man who had no childhood and deep psychological problems would do?
Finn: He’d want us to fight back. He’d want us to win Sectionals. He’d want us to have a sleepover and a pants-off dance-off.
Artie: MTV used to be racist and not show black people (it’s actually true!) but Michael changed that. I realize this doesn’t answer the question now, but I thought you guys should know.
Tina: Oh, what would Michael Jackson do if he were here right now? He’d make a plan and follow through, that’s what Michael Jackson would do. (Bonus points to you if you know the reference)
Blaine: You’re all wrong: he’d take it to the streets! [finger points to the sky, screams HO!]
We’re now in a dark parking garage. There could be CIA operatives in here, you never know. Wait, no, that’s just the Warblers. Blaine and Santana are in hoodies and leather and it’s time to rumble, bros.
Blaine says, “It’s time to see who’s bad.” (I love Blaine. I do. He is from a private school; he is officially barred from calling himself “bad.”) The rest of the Gleeks turn up and it’s on like Red Dawn, folks. [DRINK] They bust out the “Your butt is wide; well mine is, too! Betta watch yo mouth, or I’ll sit on you. Shamone, ham on, ham on whole wheat, all right!”
The beatbox Warbler fortunately keeps flunking a class, so he’s there to set the rhythm and Artie takes the mic. Sebastian circles him like he could possibly sing better. Santana knocks out the chorus as everybody participates in Brazilian fight-dancing. Blaine puts on his tough guy face, grabs Sebastian and swings him around and we see a brown paper bag get passed around until it’s in Sebastian’s hands. He pulls out a slushie and it goes right in Blaine’s face.
Blaine goes down screaming, and come on, dude. It’s cold but… Oh, wait, he’s clutching his face and really screaming. Kurt immediately goes to him to help. [DRINK] Blaine is positively shrieking. Good hell, what was in that slushie? Huh, guess he’s not a Warbler any more. (I told you: blood in, blood out.)
Kurt sad-faces through the halls the next day. Rachel asks if Blaine is going to be okay. Apparently there was something “extra” in the slushie as it ripped Blaine’s cornea and he’s going to need surgery. They tell the class this, and Mr. Schue just seems baffled by this new fangled slushie-technology. Why, when he paid attention, it was just regular old ice, syrup, and humiliation! Finn thinks there were rocks in it. There isn’t proof, but Kurt just wants to make Sebastian pay. With his life. Well, no. Mr. Schue tells them to rise above it and let the school handle it, or they could get disqualified.
Artie is about to blow your minds.
Artie: I don’t give a damn about Regionals! We’re people, what do you expect of us? The world may not see us like that, but when they tease us, and throw stuff at us, and toss us in dumpsters and tell us we’re nothing but losers with stupid dreams, it freaking hurts. And we’re supposed to be the bigger person and turn the other cheek?
Artie: Don’t give me any of that ‘It gets better’ crap. I want it to be better. Right now!
Did you hear me start a slow clap? Because I did. Artie then dreams of climbing out of his chair and the best sequence in the whole episode starts. He and Mike recreate (almost step for step) the video for the only song Michael and Janet did together, “Scream,” a personal favorite. [DRINK]
One: damn. Two: they both look hot like burning. Three: the dancing is outstanding. Kevin McHale? Knocked it out of the park. Flawless. He comes back with a thud to see himself still angry, in his chair, and needing some fresh air. He leaves the class.
Quinn is freshening her lipstick in the bathroom when Rachel comes in, wanting advice about this whole proposal thing. Quinn looks surprised. Because she is. How can Rachel even think of tying herself to anything in this town? Finn’s great; she loved him once, too. But when the snow starts falling in New Haven…that’s right, Quinn’s going to Yale! Anyway, she won’t remember why she loved him. She tells Rachel to make the most of the next few months and then sever ties. “You don’t know who you’ll be in fifteen years.” It’s actually really sound advice, Miss Fabray.
She then starts singing “Never Can Say Goodbye,” the Jackson 5 classic. [DRINK] Her voice works surprisingly well on it, her tremulous alto. She dances with each of her former loves, there’s a montage of all of the changes she’s gone through with a clever shot of everything told in pictures inside her locker, and then the song should end, but goes on for a few more repeats of the refrain. She tells the class that she got into Yale. She tells them all thank you for helping her become who she is now and directs her “I’m Becoming” speech at Rachel. Meanwhile, Kurt is in a pancho. [DRINK]
Santana finds Kurt in an empty classroom where he’s wearing a lovely (and hand-tied) bow tie. [DRINK] He’s mad and agrees with Artie, and wants revenge on the Criminal Chipmunk. (A heavy hand to tell us he’s going to be singing Smooth Criminal.) Santana already has a plan in mind: they’ll drag him to a tattoo parlor for a tramp stamp with either “Tips Appreciated” or “Congratulations! You’re My 1000th Customer!” Kurt’s choice. Well, he still believes in non-violence, so…his hands are tied. She can respect that.
Mercedes gets a text to come to the auditorium where she finds Sam waiting. He’s spelled her name out in lights and wants to “sing a duet” with her. Nudge nudge. Oh, no, he really does. He starts singing “Human Nature,” one of the deeper cuts on the Thriller album [DRINK] and Mercedes is no match against the siren song of Michael. She joins in and [DRINK] for my girl Mercedes and her velvet pipes. Sam is super flirty and is alright, but he’s not powerful enough for the high notes. She holds her own, and then he holds her. By the elbows as he draws her in for a kiss. Hey-O, Shawn, who?
Burt shows up at the Español clase, but he’s not there for Schuester; he’s there for Kurt (so Kurt’s taking Spanish and French? Muy bien!) The mail came. There’s a letter from NYADA. Nervous beyond the telling, Kurt rushes them to the choir room to open it. He starts to read it, his eyes watering, and he turns to tell his dad, “I’m a finalist!”
THANK GOD. Burt is overjoyed, Kurt is overjoyed, Burt tries to pick him up, but Kurt worries about his heart. “Screw my heart!” And Burt is crying. Because his son, that kid is the best thing he knows because Kurt has been told no his whole life and right at this moment, he has triumphed over everyone who ever told him he sounded weird. I kind of ugly cried during this scene, because Burt Hummel is the greatest father ever. [DRINK] “I’m so proud to be your dad.” Excuse me, bawling again…
Kurt runs slo-mo to Rachel to see what she– Oh. Rachel hasn’t gotten a letter yet. So that means she didn’t even make it as a finalist? What on earth is she going to do? That’s been her only dream, to get to New York and be a star. She bursts into tears as Kurt holds her, trying to calm her down. (Raise your hand if you love them being friends. My hand is raised, by the way.)
In Blaine’s bedroom (hey now!) he is in some schnazzy jim-jams that almost look like the ones Kurt wore in “Silly Love Songs,” season 2. But these are polka-dotted. (Hey, I’m curious.) Also, Blaine has an eye patch and perfectly coiffed hair as Kurt sits bedside, reading him tales from “Celebrity Reel.” Oh my god, these two. [DRINK] Finn and Rachel show up with soup and pirate movies, which is a perfect moment for Blaine to pull out some champagne flutes for a Coke Zero toast to his magnificent and New York City bound boyfriend.
Rachel and Finn look around nervously until they’re done with that. It just sucks that Blaine is missing Michael Jackson week. He had so many plans! Well, they want to bring a little Michael to him. Kurt starts singing “Ben,” [DRINK] and I have to say, I’m not overjoyed about this song. One, it’s about Michael’s pet rat. Two, I wanted Kurt to sing an entire song because he and Michael sing in the same key. Three, check out Michael’s song “Butterflies” and tell me you don’t want Kurt singing that to Blaine while Finn and Rachel slip out.
But it’s lovely to hear Chris Colfer sing, and then Rachel takes a verse, followed by Finn, and Kurt brings it all back around, his hand never leaving Blaine’s. Because they are best friends. (And lovers.) [DRINK!]
Santana drops by Dalton in a sexy “I’m a spy!” outfit and tells them that they’re disloyal jerks for almost blinding Blaine. Chubby Warbler (those who have read along know he is my favorite, is Trent Nixon) looks upset, because we all know how in love with Blaine he’s been over the years. Sebastian says that was stupid of Blaine, because it was meant for Kurt. (Mother fuc…) He won’t tell her what was in the slushie, but he will battle her, Dalton-style. (That means they send their servants in to arm wrestle.)
Two dudes on cellos (2Cellos) rock out “Smooth Criminal” and are so totally bad ass that I can ignore the fact that Sebastian can’t sing very well. He’s in key, he can hold a note, but eh. He’s up against Santana, come on. I only have eyes for my girl, [Double DRINK] and she knows she was better. She gets Sebastian to admit he put rock salt in the slushie. Oh, but not in this one. And he slams one in her face, conveniently handed to him by a traitorous Warbler. Oh, boys. Wes would be so disappointed in you.
Santana calls a top-secret Gleek meeting. “Brittany, lock the doors.”
“Um, I don’t know how to do that.” [DRINK]
Artie got her a tiny microphone that she hid up in her underboob and got Sebastian on tape. Time to throw the book at that smooth cri-
“Not so fast!” Kurt says. He’s not okay with this. Um, why? “You can’t go looking for payback every time the world wrongs you.” But…that’s the American way, Kurt? Damn him, he’s right. He doesn’t want to punish Sebastian, he wants to beat him at Regionals and watch him squirm. Then make out with Blaine in front of him so he knows once and for all who’s Big Poppa. (Throw your hands in the a-yah, if you’s a true playa!)
They head to the auditorium, but Finn grabs Rachel first. He realized that he forgot something when he proposed. Brad! He starts singing “I Just Can’t Stop Loving You,” and sounds wonderful! I’m shocked! Well, no, I’m not, because Cory Monteith sounds wonderful on dreamy pop tunes, so this is in his wheelhouse. She starts singing, too, and through the force of song, [DRINK] she realizes that yes, yes she will marry him.
WHAT. Wait, what? Child, go to your room! They start making out and Brad looks bored. I love Finchel, but come the fuck on. Also, where is my Brittany and Santana love moment? Equal rights! Also, throw in some Mike and Tina while you’re at it.
The Warblers show up in the auditorium. They sit and Artie tells them they won’t be doing Michael for Regionals. Sebastian is pleased they’re giving up so easily. Not so fast, Rod’s Manhole, these kids are going to sing the pants off of you. Well, they’re going to prove they’re better than your do-wop style, at least. They bust out “Black and White” which is another “meh” Michael song, but it has its moments. [DRINK]
Artie starts rapping, and BeatBox Warbler wishes he could just pass Algebra and graduate already. Kurt hops out singing, and Trent (Chubby Warbler) wishes that he’d been the boy on the stairs that day. Santana rocks it out [DRINK] and Thad starts thinking about his life and his choices. And then Trent Nixon realizes that he will never have Blaine and gets up to shake hands with Kurt. And maybe dance and sing. And now all the Warblers are joining in, and see? Music can heal the world, guys! Wait. Except Sebastian is still sitting there tightening his Kegels.
(But there is a clip of the Gleeks with a remake of the cool face-morph portion of the original video, and that was awesome.)
But back to Sebastian and his slow claps of evil. He’s not going to lose to those losers, he thanks them. That’s when Santana pulls out the old underboob tape reveal. ZOIKS! And he would have gotten away with it, too, if it hadn’t been for those pesky kids! And the Warblers realize that they should have stuck with a democratic council, because their leader is shown to be a horrible person who put rock salt in Saint Blaine’s eye. Ooh, it’s going to be an awkward ride back to Dalton.
Kurt tosses him the tape, because he doesn’t need it. He has song, and NYADA, and his family, and Blaine and they’re going to win and you Warblers are jerks! Except for Trent. And Thad. And Jeff. Nick’s alright, he guesses. And Beatbox. But not you, Sebastian!
Later, Rachel comes to Kurt at his locker with a letter in her hand. She got her NYADA letter, too and she is also a finalist! Kurt is properly overjoyed on his friend’s behalf. They bounce and squeal and it’s all very exciting until Kurt asks (innocently) if she’s told Finn yet?
Next Week! Señor Ricky Martin es in la casa. ¡Ay, Papi!