Ay, Señor Martinez es muy guapo, sí? And I’m not the only one who thought so. In fact, one Kurt Hummel seemed to be a little lip-bitey around him. In honor of the incredibly delicious Ricky Martin as the guest, our cocktail for this episode is Mis Pantalones es en Fuego! (Para tu, Papi.)
The Season Three Bingo Card is right here, and for the free space, take a drink every time Will shows that he is a horrible Spanish teacher. (Line ’em up, soldiers.)
We open with Will, in a novelty Mexican serape and sombrero (you know, like all Mexicans wear!) with Puck, Finn, and Artie singing back up. “To what?” you might be asking. To “La Cucaracha.” You know, like all Latinos sing! [DRINK] He can’t understand why his class is so aburrido; they just had Taco Tuesday!
Figgins tells him that he’s out of touch as a teacher. He only thinks about what songs they can do at Regionals, and his Spanish classes aren’t Glee, William! Someone sent in a complaint, in fact. And now there seems to be a tenured spot open, so…
[Flash to Mrs. Hagberg – the one who inspired Sue to destroy all the pianos and run for office – with Nazi signs on everything in her History class.]
Schuester is going to need to turn it around, and muy rápidamente! It’s time he learned Spanish. [DRINK]
Hola, Papi! Es Señor David Martinez teaching un clase de Español to a bunch of white people who want to order shots in Cabo or be horribly racist about their maids. Fun! He explains that by 2030 most people in the US will speak Spanish, so it’s time to get on el Latino tren, gente! He starts speaking to them in key phrases:
- Is Lou Dobbs still alive?
- What about that jerk that wanted to build a fence?
- How do you like universal healthcare now that we have a Latin-American Presidencia?
Schue invites him for a cup of coffee, and when David starts to speak back to him in Spanish after finding out Will is also a Spanish teacher, Will blames his accent for que no podía entender a word David is saying. [DRINK]
David is a former tooth model and now he wants to live the American dream: a low-paying job that requires his soul as collateral. He wants to be a teacher too! He just wants to make a difference. Gosh, that sounds familiar… And hey, he even likes Glee! He’s everything Will wishes he could be and more. (Checks out his tush) So much more. AY, PAPI!
There’s a helpful PSA about how singing things makes you smarter and able to do algorithms and string theory physics and Will gets an idea… The week’s theme!
Cut to the most horribly awfully funny thing on Glee yet, Sue talking to the guys in Glee club about donating sperm for her cause. Why waste those masturbatory session on the curtains and tube socks, when it could go to a better cause? Well, not you, Porcelain or Artie. They can keep tossing their tissues. Will comes in, completely aghast.
See, Sue wants to have a baby (with who’s vagina?) because she’s good with kids. She puts ’em to work right away and would put protein powder in their bottles immediately. And she’s been keeping her eggs frozen since the 70s. In a Kroger’s. (Not gonna lie, I laughed pretty hard at the return of ridiculously awful Sue.) Then she asks Will for his baby batter and I blacked out.
I came to with her in Figgins’ office because she’s been getting complaints. (Oh, she wants the tenured position as well.) Roz is there in her Olympic finery and she’s gunning for Sue’s job. Uh oh.
In the Glee room, Will writes on the whiteboard [DRINK] 2030. What will everyone be doing then? Kurt and Rachel both say, “Broadway!” Kurt laughs and says, “Twinsies!” Good god, I love that boy. Artie says he’ll be walking (all of my cries for you!). Puck will most likely be shanked and dying in prison. Will says they’ll all be speaking Spanish in 2030, duh! Gosh, he just loves Latin people! Their food like the chalupa, their culture like owning roosters… He can’t get enough of it! [DRINK]
Santana: “You don’t know any Latin people.”
HOLA, PAPI. Entrada David and the camera cuts to Sugar Motta about to pass out, and then to Kurt, who’s eyes almost bug out of his face. Sí, Kurt. Es muy guapo. Even Artie is dreamy-eyed. Ha. David interrupts Will’s rambling to explain how Latin music is all about the touching and loving, the thrust and passion (Kurt explodes in a fireball), and Santana thinks he should show them. Sugar sobs softly while running her hands through her hair at his feet.
Kurt whispers, “Oh, dear God. Yes.”
Will is fairly certain that he can’t sing and AY DIOS MÍO, HE CAN. He moves like the hot, sultry wind and when he sings it is as if angels are making love on a tiger. It’s “Sexy And I Know It,” and he sings in Spanish and English. Crossover, what? Rory tries to sexy dance, bless. Finn does a crazy-ass body roll, but he’s so happy, let’s let him be, shall we? Kurt is stock still because if he gets up, well. There’s some dancing with chairs and Mike makes a dick joke (did you catch it?) and then Will applauds him. “Mas bueno, mas bueno.” (Um, muy bueno, estupido.)
We have our first Samcedes sighting and they’re in Emma’s office having couples therapy. Except they’re not a couple. Which is the problem: should they be? And we have the return of the pamphlets (in a big way.) “So You’re A Two Timing Ho” and “So You’re Dating a Two Timing Ho.” Uh, no, Mercedes doesn’t sleep around, she just doesn’t know who to pick, Sam or Shane.
(Sam tweets that she smells good, then says he’ll keep doing it until it’s Trending. Chord Overstreet is enjoying the hell out of being back on the show, folks.)
Emma tells them to shut up and not speak to each other (no texting, IM-ing, nada…y pues nada) and after one week, they’ll know what to do. Starting….now!
The Cheerios are inexplicably wearing their jackets while working on a bad-ass, crunked out routine that Roz just taught them. Roz happens to know the girls like her young routines more than Sue’s sad sack numbers. Sue is not going to take this! She knows that Roz is just trying to steal her job while she’s out on maternity leav-
Oh HALE no! What? Roz wants to know out of who’s vagina is she going to have the baby? She is going to ride those stirrups and push out a full grown adult “with a briefcase and a job, talking on a cell phone.” NeNe? You had the best lines all night.
Further proof: “Wake up and smell the menopause. You’re done as a woman! You better pray that you get a child that likes sand, because that’s all that’s coming out of those old, wrinkly boobs.” Snort laughing, you guys. Snort laughing.
The Three Divas (Rachel, ‘Cedes and Kurt) are cuddled up watching Twilight (noo!!) so the show can have a parallel to Mercedes “who will she pick?” storyline. Except there’s no question Bella was going to pick Edward. So the question remains, who is Mercedes’ Edward? Who is her sparkle-pire?
Kurt just wants to know how they got off synch with their periods, because the girls, they be trippin’! (Anyone noticing how much deeper his voice has been sounding on some scenes?) Rachel then asks if they can keep a secret and confesses that she and Finn are engaged. Kurt is livid.
“Oh, really?” Rachel asks, “What if Blaine proposed to you today?”
Silence. (And a fanbase exploded and went to heaven on unicorn clouds of dreams and dapper pocket squares.) Also, [DRINK] for Kurt’s pajamas. They’re monogrammed KH and feature a crown. Love. Him.
Mercedes is in class singing Gloria Estephan’s (and the Miami Sound Machine!) song, “Don’t Wanna Lose You,” which is an all-couple’s skate must, am I right? [DRINK] She jazzes it up to a point where I don’t want to kill myself, so that is a plus. (Also, the original sounds like Gloria is saying, “Don’t wanna looth you now.”) Sam sulks because he doesn’t understand Spanish, either.
The boys all line up in Matahuelan boots (That’s a village in Mexico – a lot of immigrants from there live in Dallas and that’s where they were born. They are CRAZY.) and Sam sings “Bombolero” by the Gypsy Kings. Puck is hilarious as he mugs for the camera. They were smart and left Finn on drums. He doesn’t need to try and dance in those boots. Speaking of, Kurt says the only reason why he joined in was for the boots.
Santana talks about how amazing Señor Martinez is, right? Like, the best Spanish teacher ever? Girlfriend has a plan.
Emma finds Sue in the lounge and hands her a pamphlet: “Please Don’t Hog My Fiance’s Nog.” Okay, next time someone is interviewing Ryan Murphy, find out where the nog joke came from, because this makes two. Emma is pissed that Sue would ask Will of all people for sperm. Why? Because she’ll be able to spot their wooly heads a mile off, of course. Also because he’s a really nice guy, and that will counterbalance her awfulness. Emma thinks Sue would make a good mother. WHY. Why? WHY?
Kurt visits the locker room in a fabulous jacket with leather details [DRINK] to talk to Finn. (He doesn’t lift weights, he does the Tracy Anderson method at home. Ha ha! That’s Gwenyth Paltrow and Madonna’s personal trainer. Also, her workouts are fabulous.) Kurt brought a bunch of college packets for Finn. All schools in New York, too, hmm. (Yep, he knows about the engagement, Finn. And how could you keep that from your brother?)
“You ever think that keeping something from those you love might not be the best idea in the first place?” Kurt just worries that Finn has given up on himself (he has) because he has the crazy idea that he’s not as talented as Kurt and Rachel (he’s not) but that’s stinkin’ thinkin’, and he’s amazing in other ways (he is!).
Kurt just really believes in Finn and wants him to succeed in life. Finn is visibly touched that Kurt cares. Aww, Hudson-Hummels are the best family ever. And somewhere in Westerville, a medicated-loopy Blaine sits up smiling, saying, “Brothers!”
Sue storms over to Santana at her locker, raging about Santana being the one to give the bad report on her. That is going to ruin her family because she is going to have a baby! (With who’s vagina?) No, Santana didn’t rat on her! Will notices harassment (about time!) and butts in. What’s going on? Sue hates everyone, that’s what’s going on! And by the way, Butt Chin, your sperm isn’t needed. She looks off like Yoda: “There is another…”
Will wonders, “¿Quienes mas macho de Will Schuester?” ¿Para vente puntos: quienes?
At home, Will is working on his Spanish translations for the song he’s going to sing to the class when Emma hands him another pamphlet: Performance Anxiety – It’s Not Just For Teenage Boys. And we learn that Emma has been making these pamphlets all along. I like that. He isn’t amused, but she knows that sometimes it’s okay to be silly – especially with kids. Also, quit being a jerk, Will.
Will snaps, “You got a pamphlet for that?” Emma storms off, upset.
On a darkened stage we see him: Señor Martinez. He starts singing Madonna’s (really with the song choices, guys?) “La Isla Bonita” and Santana joins him for a few salsa moves as they sing. (I would have loved for them to have a real choreographed salsa.) In the audience, Will sits in a matador costume. Finn asks what’s up with that, because he thought it was Kurt. Ha. Please note that Puck is grinning from ear to ear in his seat and grooving all over the place. I love earnestly excited Puckerman.
Santana is so super excited to see what Mr. Schuester has ready after that muy bueno performance she just did with David. Whatcha got, White Boy? Why, he has the worst thing ever! A Mariachi band starts playing Elvis Prestley’s “Little Less Conversation” while Will swoops and dances around, singing. AND THEN. THEN. Guys.
Brittany and Mike come out like they are bulls and Will is going to stab them and I hate everything that is happening. Britt and Mike are pros, so they go for it and it’s just dreadful. Artie, however, is rocking out like he can’t get over the awesome. I think Artie has gotten quite excitable this year.
Santana reveals that ha ha! It was she who reported a complaint on Will Schuester! When he starts to think she’s just being meddlesome, she throws some knowledge on him. One, it’s her education and that’s no laughing matter. Two, he’s a joke as a teacher for that subject. Three, he couldn’t be more racist with his choices. La Cucaracha? How about he dress up like the Taco Bell Chihuahua and bark Dora the Explorer?
“You don’t even know enough to be embarrassed by these stereotypes.” DAMN. Let’s drink to that. [DRINK] She asks him why did he even become a Spanish teacher? Well, see, it was an opening…
“Without passion you can’t succeed.” Seems that Will taught her that. He needs to be that teacher again. Or you know…stick with Glee.
Beiste loves the pamphlets Emma’s been churning out. “Taint Misbehavin’” and excuse me while I snort flaming tequila up my nose. It’s all about keeping your jockstrap region spic and span. She found a way to get through to those dirty, gross boys!
Flashback to locker room:
Puck: I stopped washing down there because it seemed kinda gay.
Rory: Isn’t that what the hair’s for – to catch the dirt?
Sam: Hee hee! I’m getting paid to sit here and laugh!
Finn: Huh, lift and scrub? Who knew it was so easy?
(Kurt and Blaine shudder then discreetly high five for their manscaping.)
Beiste (Coach Booter) says that she showed the pamphlet to her Cooter [ahaha and DRINK.] Cooter got excited, ordered 10,000 of them for OSU and got all the Big Ten to buy some as well. MRSA is no joke, folks. You want that stuff to fall off? Didn’t think so.
Coach just loves that there’s a teacher (no, she’s a guidance counselor) who cares enough about her job and the kids to save lives. HEM HEM, WILLIAM.
David Martinez is passing out awards to his estudiantes as it seems his class is over? The racist lady learned how to be offensive in two languages, so evidently they all graduated. Will tells him that he’s embarrassed by his lack of Spanish skills and that he’s the high school teacher. [DRINK] So he went ahead and got David the job. Aw, David’s parents were immigrants who couldn’t go to high school and now he’s teaching it! Bless. Here, come take off that uncomfortable looking shirt and let me hug you, David.
But who got tenure? BUM BUM BUM!
Becky is giving Sue a fertility injection the next we see them. And…she needs to confess to Sue. Nope, Sue already knows Becky is the one who wrote in the complaint and that she did it because she doesn’t want Sue to not be the cheer coach anymore. Aw. Sue’s not mad. And this leads Becky to believe that Sue would make an awesome mom. WHY. Why? WHY? (Raise your hand if you think Sue should adopt an older, special-needs child!)
Samcedes are eying the clock in the school hallway, waiting for it to be time when they can run in slow mo to each other and declare their love. BONG! They start running. BONG! They eye each other nervously, but with excitement. BONG! Shane shows up and asks Mercedes to get moving, he has some food to be eating. BO-ng? Huh? SHE LEAVES. WITH SHANE. Oh, Sam… Here, that shirt looks uncomfortable. Take it off and let me hug you until you feel better.
Will has dinner set up for Emma. She arrives and he hands her a pamphlet. (Oh, I see what you’re doing Will.) “So You Are A Jerk To Your Fiance?” She laughs. He hands her another one. “Congratulations – I Love You” And it has a pretty girl leaping out of a tenure championship cup. Because in Glee-world, Guidance Counselors are teachers. She demands he call her Professor Doll Face and makes plans for some Dick Tracy role-play later.
He realized that he was being his ex-wife to her and he feels terrible for being like that. Also, he thinks she’s keen. So let’s eat some chicken and be amazing together, okay? And they kiss and everything is now perfect. That was easy!
NEXT WEEK: V-Day! We meet Rachel’s dads! Gorilla grams! TIN ROOF=RUSTED.