I’m sure you remember from that Shakespeare survey you took back in college (and if you’re taking it this semester, go finish As You Like It RIGHT NOW; there’s going to be a surprise quiz on Friday!): comedies often end in weddings. So what does it say that the season finale of Ringer opens with a wedding? Generically, is it really a spoiler to say clearly things can only go horribly downhill from here?
Bridget!Siobhan glides down the aisle, looking just gorgeous pretending to be her assumed-dead-by-suicide twin sister no one yet knows she’s impersonating. Juliet’s scrunching up her face in adorable excitement, Andrew looks like his heart is fit to burst with happiness, and even Bridget!Siobhan gets so swept up in the love that she overcomes her stammering to lie outright in her vows that her name is Siobhan Martin.
All the joy drains out of Bridget!Siobhan when she sees Bodaway Macawi making his way toward her. Because, ew, really, I know we try to overlook wedding crashers, because no one likes a scene. But you could have put on a tie or something, Bodaway. Bridget startles herself awake, because at this point we’ve all realized the wedding’s only happening in dreamland.
Bridget heads to her Narcotics Anonymous meeting, and how glad am I that Ringer finally remembered to tie in her storyline and identity dilemmas with her recovery narrative? She’s getting her one year chip, and she couldn’t have done it without her made-of-awesome sponsor, Malcolm.
Side-note: I’ll tell you right now to prepare you, because I gave a little gasp-y sob when I realized it near the close: this is one of two name-checks Malcolm gets in this ep. That’s it. No flashbacks with Mike Colter, no brief appearances of him saving Bridget at the end, nothing.
The other attractive addicts look less than impressed about Bridget’s hard-won sobriety. Maybe because she tops her rehabilitation story with some bragging about her vow-renewal trip to Turks and Caicos. Also, she’s going to tell her family her secret, prompting someone to remind her, “When you come clean, you stay clean.” I…hope so? Because despair at being rejected for living a life of several thousand lies doesn’t always lend itself well to sobriety.
Solomon doesn’t think Bridget should out herself as Bridget Kelly. “I know what the risks are,” she says. Besides, it’ll be great: she’ll reveal to Andrew he’s been canoodling with the drug-addicted stripper twin all along, and then they’ll get married! “Do you really think there’s going to be an aisle to walk down once you tell Andrew?” Solomon asks, because he’s smart like that.
Andrew’s so grateful Arbogast’s buying out Martin/Charles! “Damn right you are,” Arbogast tells him, because he’s a cold-hearted snake. Bridget bounces in to say she’s going to cook a family dinner tonight—revealing torturous secrets always goes down better with a bellyful of roast beef! Arbogast gets his very own flashback to him telling Henry, “I will make you and Siobhan pay for what you did.” Well, thanks for reminding us his intentions are revenge-filled.
Siobhan stands watching her babies in the newborn ICU. She wants to name them Portia and Regan; how about something a little less Shakespearean tragedy, a surprisingly chipper Henry jokes. By the way, Henry’s moving them all to Chicago (I guess he got custody of the twins…somehow?). “The only thing keeping you here is your vendetta against Bridget,” Henry says, and I can’t breathe because, come to NYC for the culture, stay for the vendettas!
Vic’s awesomely efficient FBI boss brings us all up to speed: “Thanks to all that hard work you did back in New York, you’re back on active duty…but effective immediately you’re off the Bodaway Macawi case for good.” When he says, “But but but—Bodaway Macawi! I was linking him to heinous crimes before it was cool!” “Did I give you the impression this is up for discussion?” she asks him sharply, and Vic trudges out sadly, ready to resign his post as the President of the Bodaway Macawi Dismembers Strippers club.
Here’s Jimmy Kemper, the rogue FBI guy who falsely confessed to Bodaway’s crimes, right in Bridget!Siobhan’s living room! Wow, the security at this apartment building is the worst.
Say, isn’t he supposed to be serving a life sentence? “Christmas came early,” he says, which unfortunately doesn’t mean that Santa’s arranged it so Andrew forgives Bridget for every lie ever: no, he’s just escaped from prison. Also, he’s here to get paid: “just like last time.” Say whaaaat?
Wow, the minor characters are getting all the flashbacks this episode. Seven and a half months ago, Wyoming: John (AKA Charlie AKA Gemma’s murderer AKA the worst NA sponsor ever) comes on so strong to Jimmy at a bar that Jimmy says, “This ain’t no Brokeback mountain, pal.” Then Siobhan pops up, explaining, “I’m the good twin!” She’ll pay him double—no, triple!—what Bodaway’s giving him. Gee, Siobhan, find out what he’s getting paid first before you go and triple it; this isn’t what you were taught in Illegal Negotiations 101!
“You okay?” Jimmy asks Bridget!Siobhan in the present, because figuring out her twin paid him to make her skip town is a bit much to take in at once. He wants 50K to disappear, or he’ll tell Bodaway she’s Bridget (terribly unsporting, even if she is Bridget).
Siobhan folds enough baby clothes to bury even a couture-demanding infant Suri Cruise, because she’s going to follow Henry to Chicago. Yay, he found a place on the lake! If only it weren’t out of his price range/all his money weren’t tied up in the townhouse/she could outright buy it for him! Siobhan tells him she’ll give him the benefit of the doubt so they can be a family. Siobhan, you are seriously losing your touch, girl.
Second Malcolm Ward shout-out of the episode: Cupertino gives Vic news a body found in Wyoming probably is Malcolm Ward. Do not try to tell me Malcolm is dead, Ringer! Hey, if that’s bad news, what could be worse? Jimmy Kemper escaping prison, duh.
Andrew feelingly recites poetry and promises, “For the rest of our lives, I promise to find you in every poem, to see you in every work of art, to hear you in every love song.” “Now it’s your turn!” for her news. Since it’s hard to follow heartfelt vows of forever love with news about how she’s been jerking him around (but lovingly!), Bridget!Siobhan passes.
Out in the Bronx, Jimmy Kemper shoves his shake-down money into a duffel bag, but uh oh, Bodaway Macawi’s here to gut him like a fish with his Bowie knife!
Solomon swings by to hear about Jimmy Kemper’s blackmail. “Why would Siobhan pay someone to make me run to her only to kill herself a few days later?” she wonders. THINK, SIOBHAN, THINK! Solomon, the hardest working chauffeur in the business, volunteers to go to the Hamptons for evidence connecting John of the AKAs to Siobhan and gives her a gun. She’s decided she’ll tell Andrew and Juliet how she’s deceived them (lovingly!) after their going-away-to-get-remarried party. “I want one last night of the fantasy,” Bridget says wistfully, because that’s how you come clean with people you’ve wronged: when it is convenient for you.
Siobhan goes through Henry’s mail, finding paternity test results. Hey, she slept with Tyler, he felt justified. It says the babies are his, of course, she tells him without handing over the letter. “Thank you,” he says cheerfully (so suspicious, Henry, this cheer) “you just made a hard decision very easy.” Close up to the test results, which of course reveal Henry is NOT her baby daddy.
Poor deluded Andrew regales Tim Arbogast about how super duper lucky he is. “I get to marry the woman of my dreams, twice!” As a gesture of congratulations, Arbogast gets ready to drop some knowledge on Andrew about Siobhan’s cheating heart.
At the going-away party, Andrew storms in and ruins Bridget!Siobhan’s hope for one last night of pretend love and family, berating her for sleeping with Henry. “This marriage is over,” he spits. Bridget!Siobhan looks stricken, Juliet runs after Andrew, and Siobhan’s friend the writers dusted off from, oh, eleven episodes ago offers sympathy. I’m a little distracted from the reveal by this random reintroduction. Couldn’t she have dropped her own name and reminded us who the hell she is? “I’m just so sorry, on behalf of all the friends who rejected you because you had an affair with Henry and then regretted it and subsequently helped me out with my charity, or my name’s not Greer Sheridan!” See?
Here’s an awkward moment: Siobhan realizing that her account is completely drained of the money she siphoned off from Martin/Charles. Let’s make it more awkward: Henry triumphantly disclosing he stole it. Plus, that paternity test? He got the news via phone, so the letter was just to test her honesty and loyalty, which she failed miserably. “The funny thing is, I could handle not being the girl’s dad, but I could not handle another lie,” Henry says. By the way, get your things together and hightail it out of here, because we are DUNZO. Okay, Henry, I appreciate you bought a truckload of clues all at once, but man, that’s cold.
Poor Bridget’s camped out on the couch when she sees news Jimmy Kemper’s been found dead. She calls Vic, who has picked a terrible time to decide to listen to his supervisors. Help me, Agent Machado, you’re my only hope, she pleads. Twist in the wind, Vic tells her, and maybe he’ll ring the NYC office when he has a mo’. “Gotta go, bye,” Bridget blurts when she realizes Andrew’s on the scene for their fated confrontation.
The unraveling of a season’s worth of lies is actually pretty heart-wrenching. Bridget!Siobhan tells Andrew she loves him more than she ever thought it possible to love, how her life changed completely when she met him seven months ago.” “Seven years,” he corrects her. Nope, seven months: “I’m Bridget,” she reveals at last.
Back to Andrew and Bridget après the off-screen details of her revelation. Obviously he didn’t know everything about his wife, but there’s no way she committed suicide. How is it that Andrew, who barely knew Siobhan with all the cold-shouldering, knows this and Bridget, who knew Siobhan her entire life still hasn’t figured it out? She’s a little distracted, to be fair, trying to convince Andrew she really loves him. “I do love you,” he says, “but it’s all a lie.” Ouch.
No, no, he doesn’t understand what she was up against! We flashback to Bridget months ago: she discovers Bodaway Macawi strangling Shaylene and he catches her witnessing it. Hey, did the series just let go of that whole dismemberment thing, or what? “I have so many regrets about what I’ve done,” Bridget says sadly. “But the one thing I have no regret about is loving you.” She looks absolutely wrecked, and for a moment I hope Andrew will forgive her. “I’m a better person for loving you,” she confesses. He walks up to her, almost looking swayed, and says, “You need to leave.” *cries*
If you’re worried about where Bridget!Siobhan will go, never fear: Greer Sheridan’s ready to take her in! She leaves Bridget!Siobhan with Juliet, so they can have a nice little chat about how Bridget wriggled into their lives and lied to them daily for months.
Henry answers the door in his townhouse. “Oh, hey, Andrew, what are you doing here?” POW! KER-BLAM! SPLAT! Andrew knocks Henry on his ass and says, “I’ve been wanting to do that since the day I met you.” Laughing so hard right now, especially because it wasn’t the affair that made Andrew hate Henry: Andrew’s always hated Henry!
Meanwhile, Juliet looks stricken and says, “I knew you were too good to be true.” She tells Bridget she’s worse than Catherine, who at least is sick: “What’s your excuse?” Juliet Martin, folks: always A+ at wielding the emotional knife. *slow-clap*
Andrew comes to get Juliet. “I don’t want to go to the beach,” Juliet says in a small voice, and my heart breaks all over again, because remember how she wanted to go there with Bridget!Siobhan as a place of comfort amid all the mess with Catherine? Tough luck, kid, because to the beach they are going! “It can be you and me against the world again,” Andrew tells her. They both pretend this sounds fantastic.
Over at the Martins’ building, the security really and truly is THE WORST, because as Andrew and Juliet get in the Hamptons-bound car, Siobhan!Siobhan sneaks in (looking natty in a black/white dress coat and leather driving gloves) so she can rob herself some jewels and killer shoes and anything that can be sold for cash money. Well. Technically that is her stuff.
The doorman sits back down for a nice relaxing night of letting strangers waltz into the building, when the security screens suddenly static-out one after the other. Gee, if it isn’t Siobhan, who is way too distracted examining her spindly heels to do this then—yup, it’s Bodaway Macawi, who is there to choke a Bridget—or a Siobhan, he’s not picky. “You have the wrong girl!” Siobhan gasps, a hilarious echo of Bridget’s line at the beginning of the series. “I’m not Bridget!” Those spindly heels come in handy as she strikes Bodaway with one and runs like hell to the terrace.
“I just can’t leave things with Juliet like this,” Bridget mutters to herself as she runs into the lobby. Damn, I can’t blame lax security anymore, because Bodaway’s gone and killed the doorman. Bridget calls Solomon, telling him to phone 911. She runs upstairs, and oh dear god, she thinks Andrew and Juliet are up there at Bodaway’s mercy!
Meanwhile, Bodaway doesn’t just break the glass door to the terrace; he stabs it. “You can’t hide forever, Bridget! This ends tonight!” It sure does, with so many lies exposed, and—oh, you mean you’re going to kill her with your Bowie knife! Sorry, I forgot about that whole literal level of meaning thing.
As Bodaway gallops after Siobhan, Bridget trains her Solomon-loaned gun on him. “What the hell?” he asks, because he has not been playing along at home. Though she couldn’t pull the trigger with Catherine, Bridget shoots Bodaway. Yikes, he grabs her ankle as she walks by calling Juliet’s name, and starts choking her (gosh, he sure likes choking people).
“Agent Machado, FBI, FREEZE!” Vic seriously got on a plane as soon as he hung up with Bridget!Siobhan? He loves her so much! Seriously, he’s like the fourth or fifth man Bridget’s having an emotional affair with. Bridget’s already aimed again and shot Bodaway in the head! Good riddance to a strangling stabbing crime boss, I say. Also, Vic reveals Andrew and Juliet are safe; they’ve been in the Hamptons since midnight. “Then who was Bodaway attacking?” Bridget wonders, because she still. hasn’t. gotten it.
“Ma’am, visiting hours are over,” a nurse tells Siobhan, who is cuddled up to that infant ICU glass like it’s the only working fireplace she’s found in a blizzard. Maybe they can stick her on a cot somewhere, the nurse offers when Siobhan mentions she’s kind of been kicked out of everywhere ever. “I have to get my old life back,” Siobhan vows, and there’s some meat for the second season if we get one!
“Aren’t you glad you took that gun?” Solomon asks Bridget playfully. Is she ever! He shows her some surveillance footage from 4:17pm September 9, three days after Siobhan supposedly committed suicide. Hey, isn’t that Siobhan in an utterly insidious and clever disguise? No, that’s Siobhan in a hat. A hat. “Siobhan’s alive?” Bridget breathes out. *applauds wildly*
Bridget bursts into Henry’s townhouse, demanding, “Where is she?” Oh, and she gets now it was Siobhan who Bodaway attacked, so don’t try any funny stuff! Why, oh why, did Siobhan lie to her, Bridget asks? “She knew someone was trying to kill her and she wanted you to take her place for what you did to Shawn.” You sure wrapped up the entire season’s vendetta but quick, Henry. “Siobhan wanted me dead?” Bridget asks in shock. YES, BRIDGET, YES!
Let’s tune in next season—if there is a next season? #saveringer, #renewringer, let’s save this show from the bubble, people! You know that if Ringer gets a second season and manages to top season one even just a teensy bit, it’s going to be all crazy up in here, and that’s how we like it!