Here’s the full recap! Just in time to serve as a reminder before tonight’s episode.
So…remember how Whitney Houston died a while back? Well, she picked a cruddy time to do so, because Glee went on hiatus, so they had to wait for a while. But they actually pulled it off (kind of) by making it be about endings and how most of the Gleeks are graduating and moving on. And not one with a crack addiction! (Too soon? Come on.)
Mercedes starts singing a subdued a capella, “How Will I Know?” in the hallway when Santana joins her. Girls? Your voices combined are my favorites. Kurt joins in with the singing, and then finally Rachel, and they all sound lovely. I will say that the weird locker “tribute” is creepy to me, and also a fire hazard. Then again, I think it’s weird when people put teddy bears and plastic flowers on chain link fences near the site of someone’s horrible death, so I’m clearly missing out on something.
I would also like to say that Lea Michele, who I have gone on record as loving, needs to stop the pop-breathy-scoop thing they make her do on popular numbers. She’s better than that. Hit the note, close the note.
They move to the fantasy sequence where they’re all dressed to the nines (looking stunning) and finish in four-part harmony. Best version of that song, in my opinion. (Then again, I’m from the Era of Whitney, so I’m pretty burned out on the big hits.)
Will watches them and wonders how he can make a theme out of it. (It actually takes him a while, too. Really, dude?) He goes to Emma’s office, sad that the kids are sad, and Emma explains that Whitney is their Princess Diana. That means the death of their childhood apparently? Because that’s what it meant to Emma? I don’t know, this is Glee. You’re not supposed to over-think things. Highlights: the pamphlet Emma has, titled “Princess Di: Why I Can’t Stop Crying” with a picture of Emma on the front.
In Glee Club, Will interrupts a stupid argument between Rachel and Mercedes about The Bodyguard with the word “WHITNEY” on the whiteboard. He found the theme! The girls and Kurt are excited, Sam is skeeved. You know, because of the whole “BOB-BAY!” and crack and the cray. That was a nice CYA on the part of the writers to make sure they covered all the bases.
Will tells them what Emma said: they’re all freaking out about all of the transitions in their lives and how there is going to be a lot of saying good-bye coming up. Cut to Blaine looking sad, shot #1. Will wants everyone to perform a Whitney song that expresses how their lives will change in the coming months. Santana eye rolls this, to which Rachel responds, “Guys, Mr. Schue’s attempt to understand us, though misguided, doesn’t matter. What matter is that I start rehearsing Whitney’s version of the ‘Star Spangled Banner’ immediately.”
After class, Kurt excitedly tells Blaine all of the Houston songs that clearly were written with him in mind and wants Blaine to go to the music store to help him pick out a song. And another one for NYADA. Cue Blaine looks sad shot #2 as he declines the offer. Kurt either calls him Boo or says, “Boo,” as in “I am not fond of this action.” I think it was the latter. They’re not the nickname types, right?
Kurt goes to the music store where he is accosted by Other Lima Gay Boy Chandler. Chandler is running on a twelve and needs to dial it down to a three. He compliments Kurt’s awesome rhino pin (it’s pretty awesome) and assumes Kurt gets compliments on his fab ensembles all the time. “I don’t, actually.” Turns out that Chandler is also auditioning for a music program, but at NYU. Hey, that’s interesting! Chandler is very enthusiastic with everything he instantly knows is amazing about Kurt—who looks like he’s caught in Cooper’s Emotional Tornado by the attention—and Chandler ends the conversation by asking Kurt for his number.
Brittany—remember her? She was the blonde who had all of the funny lines? She’s back! And she’s singing “I Wanna Dance With Somebody” in a too-sexy-for high school way (when has that stopped anyone?) and pulls Mike to the floor, then Blaine and Jesus Joe. Quinn makes a sad face as everyone else starts dancing…with somebody (who!) somebody (who!) which leads to Brit and Santana on stage in Whitney’s tiny dress and massive head bow finishing out the number and being adorable, even though the song includes the very cheesy timed laugh. But it’s the girls being cute! Aww. Brittany tells the group that she loves dancing with Santana the best. But in her dreams Quinn can dance. (And fly and breathe fire.)
Later, at the lockers, Joe asks Quinn about her physical therapy and if he can come along. She’s all askance. Why does he want to? Because he likes her, A, and B, he’s a Christian who follows through on what he says. I like Jesus Joe, guys. He is easy on my eyes, even with the Medusa ‘Do.
Will has a gift for Emma: the chance to work with North Ohio’s Premiere Wedding Planner, Mr. Lavender. (He can afford this on a teacher’s salary because he’s getting a good tax return—damn, that’s a good one, Will!—and he sold some blood platelets. Let’s all send a word of thanks for that particular body fluid being the donation.) Oh, and the wedding is now going to be held in May, not the upcoming winter.
“Is this about ess ee ex?” Emma asks. No, no. Well, 20%. Okay 37%. But the rest is just because he is so in love with her and needs this to happen before graduation, but not for any particular reason. Just ’cause. But she’s just begun to personalize the nut cups with puffy paint markers, and it is going to take all summer to get them done! Will doesn’t care. Or rather, he’s just so in love, who cares?! (Um, just the first time that’s not-Vegas bride, but hey.)
Kurt dusts out the Whitney tribute locker (really?) as Rachel approaches and his phone buzzes with a text. She assumes it’s from Blaine, talks about Finn’s boob-pun texts she receives daily, but um, about that “it’s from Blaine” thing. Yeah. They’re not. “He’s just a guy…” Rachel gives the best “Oooh!” face here. (Also, she got crazy tan during hiatus!)
The text is from Chandler, and he’s been doing that a lot lately. It’s nothing! It’s for fun! And for Kurt’s bruised ego! Wait, what? Isn’t Blaine making Kurt feel amazing with those puppy “I love you” eyes? Well, no. I love the reminder that they had been sexual, though, as Kurt asks Rachel if Finn is constantly texting, complimenting her, and trying to get into her pants.
“No doy. He’s 18 and a walking erection!”
Ahem. Blaine? You’re being too dapper. They’ve hit the Lesbian Bed Death stage of being BFF and not DTF. Ouch. Kurt asks her “What’s the harm of making me feel good if it’s innocent?”
Rachel: Okay. Would you show Blaine those text messages?
Kurt: [laughs] Of course not!
Rachel: LOOK AT YOUR LIFE! LOOK AT YOUR CHOICES!
Cue: another text. (Young man! Camera three! Kurt. Honey. I get it. You’ve been lonely and neglected and told that even wanting a boy to look at you is disgusting. You’ve never been flirted with. That must feel amazing. But you are in a relationship, honey pie. Okay, back to camera two.)
Jesus Joe and Quinn have worked on a song together, and let’s just all admit that Quinn’s voice is…twee. It’s in tune, it’s soft, and there’s not much to draw the ear. When she sings with Joe, however, he fills hers out and it’s really nice! Also, his voice is making sweet love to my ear, so I’m willing to listen to anyone at the moment. They sing “Saving All My Love” to the class and there’s a montage of the two of them at her therapy.
Joe’s all, “Hands on thigh, let me…stretch you out, ahem,” and Quinn’s like, “Yeah?” and Joe goes, “Yeah. Can you feel me now?” And she’s all, “Yeah,” and he slides his hand up further and whispers, “Can you feel me…now?” And she goes, “Lip bite!” and he feels tinglies in his naughty no nos and pulls back. COME ON. Jesus for the cock block again.
Santana and Rachel have a first: they sing a duet. How have we gone three years without that? They sing “So Emotional” and look cute and the entire time they’re performing, Kurt is texting back and forth with Chandler.
Chandler to Kurt: I am pretty sure you were Cleopatra in another life. You’ve got a great asp!
Oh my god. Chandler? And I mean this with all due respect: you’re a dork. Also, eagle eyes will notice that the text above that, from Kurt, reads “and nothing else.” Oho. What could that mean?! (My friend offered this: “When in NY I will wear the best designer clothes, and nothing else.”)
At one point you can see Blaine leaning over, mouthing “Kurt” but Kurt’s too busy laughing and texting to see Blaine with a sad look #3. Oh, Blaine.
The girls are all primping in the bathroom and teasing Quinn about the hot and heavy looks between her and Joe. Brittany says that sure, “Joe’s really pretty, but I heard that she doesn’t shave her armpits,” and gives Quinn a pointed look. No, guys, it’s not like that. And she knows because they were about to kiss when he suddenly remembered she can’t move her legs and was grossed out and threw up. (Not really.) Quinn has a sad.
Later that night Will finds Emma and Mr. Luh-VEN-dor (it’s a family name) working on plans. They can make it all work in September! Um, Will said May. Well, buddy, you can’t snap your fingers and make a wedding work that fast on a teacher’s salary. Even with a tax return to sweeten the pot. So Will makes the genius decision to fire the wedding planner and he’ll be all Henny Penny about it and will do it himself. Great moments: calling “wasabi” the new sea foam green. Ha ha. Also, Will plans on rapping at the reception. Five bucks says it’s the Whisper Song.
Joe finds Sam working out in the weight room and needs some advice on some “feelings” he started having. Sam smirks and nods. “In your pants feelings?” Yep. Okay, here’s the thing: Sam is, like, super good with advice, “but when you ask me, you have to be real specific.” Ha! Chord? I’m liking it. He tells Joe to stop that Taliban no sex stuff and realize that he can be a good Christian and dip his wick. Plus, the Bible was written, like, three hundred years ago before there were bikinis, so it’s all good.
“You have to decide if you want to be closer to God or to her.” That seems…not like what you just said. Whoops, I forgot my own rule: do not question Glee, because that way lies madness.
Now get ready for the sorrow. Kurt walks into his bedroom with a cheese plate (hee!) and finds a devastated Blaine on the edge of his bed, reading his phone. Cue Blaine’s sad face #4 (How are you missing these, Kurt?! Each one is tearing me apaht, LEESAH!) and the following painful exchange.
Blaine: Who’s Chandler?
Kurt: Why are you going through my phone?
Blaine: I’m not going through your phone, it’s just that it keeps buzzing because Chandler won’t stop texting you. “I want to make your voice my ring tone?” (Damn, Chandler. Seriously. Dial it down.)
Blaine: You have dozens with him. In two days. You’ve texted me four times. Three of them were about peach-colored shoe polish.
Kurt: (getting defensive) This is all innocent!
Blaine: This is cheating, Kurt.
Kurt: You texted Sebastian all the time! You would call him, even! [Fair point!]
Blaine: I didn’t like him. And all the texts were family friendly. [I call b.s on that. It’s Sebastian.] You like this guy! (his voice breaks)
Kurt: I like the way he makes me feel! [Oh, NO. Nope. Let me stop you there, if I ma—] When’s the last time you complemented me? Or told me how special I was?
Blaine: I transferred schools to be with you! I changed my whole life! That doesn’t make you feel loved?
Kurt: You don’t know what it’s like being your boyfriend, okay? You are the Alpha-Gay. Even Rachel wanted to make out with you. I used to get solos every week [Did you really, honey?] and do you know how many times I’ve had to sit on a stool and watch you perform?
Blaine: Then talk to me. Tell me that you’re unhappy. But don’t cheat on me! [I do love that his default is to talk softly with emotion and not to yell.]
Kurt: I feel like I’ve taken crazy pills! I didn’t cheat on you! I’m really sorry if this made you upset. But…it’s okay.
Blaine: It’s not right. (he laughs sarcastically and the music cues up) But it’s okay.
Blaine is now in front of the entire class and dedicates the song to “anybody that’s ever been cheated on” and err-body turns to look at Kurt, shocked. He belts out “It’s Not Right But It’s OK” and sells the hell out of it and Darren, oh, Darren. Thank you.
Artie turns to Kurt (who looks amazing in a fabulous navy sweater with nautical details) and gives him a “No you di’int!” face. The fantasy sequence is everyone behind Blaine providing judgmental back up, and I do not like that, folks! Too quick to judge, and I am not a fan. (But it’s totally appropriate for high school, I get it.) Blaine sings “I’d rather be alone than not happy” and the camera cuts to Kurt looking freaked out, angry, embarrassed, and confused throughout the entirety of the song. It ends, Santana says “Snap!,” and Blaine storms out. Well, then.
Rachel finds Santana at her locker and they both realize that they actually like each other. It just took Santana stealing Finn’s V-card, slushies, insults, “working the pole!” comments, and general hatred to realize that they’re actually going to miss each other. Isn’t graduating weird? This shit totally happens, too. One thing I love is that Rachel always warns people that she’s going to hug them. (Except for Kurt. Aww, BFF.)
Kurt is in his bedroom putting color-coded Post-it notes on everything when his dad comes in. “Pink is stay, blue go, red trash, green is humidity controlled storage.” And we see that his prom queen crown and sceptre are on his shelf next to his prom picture with Blaine. And there’s a pink (right? It wasn’t red, right?) sticker on it. Burt notices that prompting Kurt to tell him they’re “on the rocks right now.”
Burt’s too sad to focus on that, because his sweet baby boy is about to leave and “I don’t want you to go.” Oh, Burt. He tries to explain that the older you get, the faster things move and it’s just never going to be the same. It’s never going to be the two of them fighting down the flames from nine-year-old Kurt’s first attempt at paella. It’s not going to be the two of them together teaching Kurt how to gap spark plugs and Kurt teaching his dad how to not wear denim on top and bottom. No more Starsky and Gay Hutch.
He tells Kurt that “Everything’s going to change. And it won’t change back.” This hits Kurt hard, and when Burt tells his boy that “I’m going to miss you, Kurt” and his voice breaks, they hug and I just love these two, okay? They’re just the best father-son team ever.
Cut to Kurt with the beautiful opening to “I Have Nothing” in Glee Club, and his voice is so wonderfully controlled here in the opening (and this is a monster of a song. It gets away from him in places, but for the love of Pete, it’s a man singing in Whitney’s key. And hitting the notes.).
“Share my life. Take me for what I am. ‘Cause I’ll never change all my colors for you,” Kurt sings as Blaine goes still and swallows heavily. Kurt looks at no one but Blaine for the entirety of the song. As far as “Here’s how I’m feeling” performances go, it’s a big one.
“Take my love. I’ll never ask for too much. Just all that you are and everything that you do.”
Everyone begins turning to look at Blaine (who is shell-shocked with emotion) and Mike gets a “What?” chin jut from Blaine before he turns back to watch Kurt pour his heart out to him. In front of everyone. He’s pointing at Blaine (and getting a tiny bit shrieky on the high end) so Blaine knows that he means it.
“I have nothing if I don’t have you.”
I mean…come on. Are you made of stone? Blaine, with tears and sadness in his eyes, golf claps as the song ends, still unsure.
Emma has the two boys in her office for some counseling (Blaine wants to know if she’s qualified for that, which she’s not.) and tells them that “Brutal honesty is the cornerstone of any relationship.” Yikes. Kurt tells Blaine that he sang a song to him to express his regrets, and Emma quietly nudges a pamphlet titled, “Say Sorry With A Song!” under her desk blotter.
They want brutal honestly? Okay, Mr. Active-Listening, here are two things bothering Blaine right off the bat: 1) stop snapping at waiters (yes, please) and 2) stop putting bronzer in Blaine’s moisturizer.
“But you look good with a little color.” Kurt says.
Blaine sticks his hands out. “I only use lotion on my hands! It looks weird if a person just has tan hands!”
Emma asks, “Okay, Kurt. Wouldn’t you love Blaine just as much if he didn’t have tan hands?” (She is on fire this episode.)
But the floodgates are open and Blaine has more to say, even though his voice starts breaking and the tears well up in his eyes. All they talk about is New York. It’s like Kurt just can’t wait to get away, and how is that supposed to make Blaine—who will be left in Lima all alone—feel about things? He admits that he’s been distant, but it’s because he’s preparing himself for how it’s going to be when Kurt is gone.
Wah! BOYS, CUT IT OUT. Blaine tells Kurt that he’s the love of his life. (Well, you’re 17. I mean, oh, that’s so sweet and I really hope you can make it! I actually do. But, you’re seventeen.)
Kurt imagined them Skyping daily, weekly visits to NY… he wasn’t ever going to abandon Blaine! They both say how much they love each other and hug so tightly that I almost feel like I’m intruding on something private. Oh, boys.
Emma goes home to Will to learn that he’s figured it all out: they’ll get married at the KOA Kampground, isn’t that a hoot? Um, not for your fiance with extreme OCD, no, that’s not a hoot. What the heck, Will? He’s just… well, if they have the wedding in the fall, all of the kids won’t come and Will never made adult friends. Those kids changed his life!
Aww. Emma understands; she also assures him that the kids love him, too, and no matter when the wedding is, even if it’s in ten years on the moon, they’ll show up. (And let’s face it: the moon is sterile.)
More sexy stretches at physical therapy for Joe and Quinn as he pressed his boner against her leg, and I’m assuming he thought (like I did) that she has no feeling in her legs. Nope! She’s all, “Is that a crucifix in your pocket, or are you just glad to see me?” and he has to admit that no, it isn’t a crucifix, although it should be. She makes it hard (hurr) for him to think about Jesus when she’s all female and stuff. She likes that he’s who he is and that he does like her. They’re going to be a thing, but they’re not yet. I don’t know why either, guys.
Blaine, texting, approaches Kurt with a compliment when Kurt’s phone buzzes. Kurt’s quick to assure his boyfriend that it’s not Chandler. Oh, Blaine knows. It’s from him. Kurt reads it, his face goes flush and he slowly smiles at his boyfriend. Me thinks someone was just sexted!
Possible Blaine Sext: I would appreciate the opportunity to loosen your cravat so that I may gaze upon your elegant neck, good sir. [winking emoticon—which he debated over whether or not that was “too forward.”]
Instead of making out, though, Kurt convinces him to go sing in Glee practice with everyone, even though no one is supposed to be there. Surprise, though! Artie and Mercedes sing “Your Love is My Love” sounding nice (except when Artie sings, “Sing mommy.” Um.) and Blaine and Kurt come in with their arms around each other and join in. Then Finchel shows up, and all of the gang is there singing and enjoying each other and Will is in the wings, happy that they came. Maybe Emma’s right…
And he really needs to get some adult friends. (Notice that Kurt is on the piano as Blaine sits and plays. Adorable.)
The episode ends with Kurt putting the Whitney locker to bed. Farewell, Miss Houston.