Game of Thrones 2.6 – The Old Gods and The New

I love Sister, she loves me. We love Brother, yessirree!

Previously! Not one minute is wasted from right out of the gate this episode, so better take your potty break, get a fresh drink, and snap into a Slim Jim right now, because it’s a hold-your-breath event from here out. (Mostly because Slim Jim breath is really gross, you guys. Never trust a food that you can wring grease out of, or that “Rowdy Rod” Piper endorsed. He’s dead, okay? I hope you’re proud of yourself, now.)

Utter chaos in Winterfell! Maester Luwin is up in the owlery scrambling out a hasty note (“Theon’s a dick! Stabbings! Chaos! I’d go into more detail, but my life in danger, etc. etc. Most sincerely, Maester Luwin, the only one taking care of your paralyzed family member and his even younger brother, oh, and your home, and FOR THE LOVE OF NED, GET HOME. XOXOX ”).

Luwin “Fly, my pretties!” the raven out of there – three eye check? Nope, only two, which means this is not a dream, crap! – just as the door bursts in with Theon’s men.

(A smart move would have been to set an archer near the Post Office to shoot down any ravens.)

Theon Greyjoy of Pinchface Sister-Finger-Lickin’-Good Island bursts into Bran’s room and acts like that dickish step-brother who has just come home from rehab. Bran wants to like him, because he’s older, and older brothers are always cool, but Theon is such a dick. He’s totally the “Why are you hitting yourself?” guy who calls the kid stupid for finally crying. Theon’s all, “I did this! This is mine now! I keep it! Bran? I’m better than your other brothers aren’t I? …do you think your dad ever loved me?”

Bran is freaking out because 1) he’s a kid,  2) his legs don’t work, and 3) his Seg-Hodor is nowhere to be found. Theon sends someone to look for Hodor and then tells Bran that he’s going to go out to the square and tell the people of Winterfell that Theon is the new Lord of the Keep. Bran, who is more a man than Theon and only 11 (or 12?) asks, “Did you hate us the whole time?” Ooh, sick burn!

Outside, Bran is propped up on a wagon of goods with Luwin, Hodor, and his little brother Rickon as Theon makes him yield Winterfell. Theon is a total jerk about this, too. The crowd jeers Theon, because they know he’s a puking little ferret. We learn a cool detail about the world of Westeros, though: a Maester is basically attached to whomever is Lord of the keep. So Luwin gets to keep his life; he just has to support Theon to do it. Hm, maybe not such a sweet gig after all, then.

Luwin is ordered to send a raven to Elder Greyjoy saying how pretty and popular  everyone thinks Theon is, and then another raven to his sister Yara telling her the same, and to also send Theon 500 men to control the masses. Tonks swaggers over and I seriously want to tell that actress to chill the hell out with the head forward, bug-eyes over-emoting, because it’s crazy distracting.

But anyway. She tells Theon that she hates the Starks, too, so give her a spear and she promises to not kill Theon in the neck with it. Fat chance, sister! She slinks off behind Bran, who looks utterly betrayed.  She whispers, “It’s your dream, Little Lord. The ocean has come to swallow this place. I ain’t letting it drown me.” Well…she has a point.

The soldiers drag in Ser Rodrik who immediately spits (metaphorically) in Theon’s face, because Theon was raised here, etc. Theon tries to assert dominance, so Rodrik immediately spits (literally) in Theon’s face. Oooooh! Theon wants to throw him in the slammer for such insolence but Gilligan tells Theon that he’d better kill the old man if Theon wants to earn any respect. And to Theon’s credit, he doesn’t want to kill anyone. Bran starts freaking out and the  ensuing calamity doesn’t go far to calm Theon down. When Luwin puts a hand on him, calmly saying to let cooler heads prevail, Theon snaps and tells Luwin that “You’ll address me as Prince Theon, or you’ll be next.”

Bran is beyond upset now, begging and crying, when Rodrik turns to him and says that he’s off to meet Ned. Rodrik, nooooo! He offers his last words: “May the gods help you, Theon Greyjoy. Now you’re truly lost.”

Theon has a shitty iron sword (pfft. That’s basic level weaponry, didn’t you get the manual, Theon?) and chops Rodrik’s head…well, not off. Barely broke the skin. Oh, jeez… Two, three, four whacks and a kick, and we see Rodrik’s head roll across the courtyard. Theon’s face is wild, splattered with blood, and someone is having one hell of a freakout. He just wanted Prince-level snatch and some nice things, he didn’t know there was going to be all of this dirty work involved!

Jon Snow, Halfhand (they didn’t make it clear for us non-book readers who Halfhand was. So it’s Qhorin Halfhand, got it.) and the other dudes (and Ghost!) trek across the snowy, rocky expanse looking for a band of Wildlings. Ghost wanders off to track…something, and Halfhand uses that as a metaphor for why you can’t tame a wild beast. Well, why Jon can’t. (Foreshadowing for another bitch! Wait, is Ghost a female dog?)

We also learn that the Wildlings will come out at night when the Watch is safely holed up in a cave – our fellas don’t know anything about crevasses and ice floes, so they best not chance it with any moonlight hunting. Halfhand also tries to get Jon to understand the harsh, unromantic reality of their situation. There is no romance there. NONE! Ahem.

At Harrenhall, Tywin Lannister chews out one of his NCOs for almost successfully ravening a letter to the wrong person – a letter detailing precise troop movements, to be sent to a house that supports Robb Stark. D’oh! In the course of insulting him, he learns that Arya can read (and better than most of his men, too). His respect for her increases that much more as he side mouths, “Maybe you should devise our next battle plan while you’re about it.” Guys? I really like the dynamic between Tywin and Arya, I have to say.

Lord Petyr “Littlefinger” Baelish is introduced and Arya has a quiet freak out, trying to keep her face down. Tywin wants her to stay and serve them food and wine, so she tries to keep turned away anytime Littlefinger has the chance to spot her. But this is Littlefinger: he notices everything.

He tells Tywin of Renly’s death, how Loras blames and hates Stannis, and how they might be persuaded to throw in behind the Lannisters. Well, except for how technically they’ve already not supported the Lannisters (via Joffrey) but that’s a technicality that can be corrected once they’ve gotten the Tyrell’s money. And this is about when Petyr sees Arya and does the tiniest of doubletakes.

She then spills a little wine on his hand and yep, he knows it’s her. As she moves back to the shadows he tells Tywin about having a meeting with Catelyn Stark (le gasp!) about her daughters and sits there with a pointed smirk, looking so cool butter wouldn’t melt in his mouth.

Back up in the mountains, Jon and the Watch circle a group of three Wildlings in their snow camo, and are ready to attack. One of the Watch is all, “Yer arrow’d!” and the rest fall onto the group crying, “Wolverines!”  slapping with the flat of their swords (come on, Halfhand! Use the pokey part!) when Jon gets one of them pressed against a boulder. He rips their hood off to stab (he knew to use the tip, Qhorin, I’m just saying) and LE GASP number TWO! It is a girl! A ginger girl with defiance and lust in her gaze. Oho!

Jon doesn’t want to kill her because they can get information from her, right? Oh, Jon. You’re still operating under the Ned Stark honor code, which costs you your head. Qhorin looks on, sad, and says that she won’t tell them anything. She smirks, says there are hundreds and thousands of Free People (Wildlings) just beyond the pass, will not say what their plans are, and is left for Jon to kill. Qhorin and the rest mosey off to let him get to it.

Jon: I’m gonna kill…for the first time. And I’m gonna do it with a girl! A special girl who makes my heart kinda flutter, makes my eyes kinda blur. I can’t believe I’m about to behead her….

Girl: He will behead me, he will also hack my arms. And he will behead me right in front of everyone and it will set me free – when he looks into my eyes!

(Seriously. Book of Mormon The Musical – you need to have it in your life.)

He sticks his tongue out between his teeth and swings his Orcish Blade (exquisite, with Fire damage) except what the hell? He missed on purpose! She’s shocked! She shoves him and scrambles away and goddamn it, Jon! She’s getting away! (Yeah! She wasn’t going to sit there like a dummy, come on!) So he chases after her, slipping and sliding over the rock and ice until he’s able to tackle her.

Oh, but now they’re lost. She knows where they are, but he doesn’t. Hope you’re proud of yourself, Jon. She’s all Smirky McGee because this land is her land, this land ain’t his land, he’s going to die, and she couldn’t be happier.

In Queen’s Landing, Queen Bitter Brother Banger watches as her beloved Myrcella is rowed off to join the Dorne in an elaborate oceanside ceremony. Cersei says to Tyrion that she hopes he loves someone someday. “I pray you love her so much when you close your eyes you see her face. And then I will cut it off and hand it to you on a pillow so you can go to sleep with it nightly.” Cersei? Let it go. Yeah, Tyrion’s birth ripped your mother in half, killing her, but you’re a grown-ass woman now. JFC, I’m thinking your bro has paid for it by, you know, living as he has with the steady insults and hate.

The youngest of Cersei’s children sniffles as his sister leaves, which means it’s time to remember why we hate Joffrey. Weaselteat calls him a cry baby and Sansa says softly, “I’ve seen you cry.”

“Bitch who wants to die says what?

I like Sansa, guys. I know she’s controversial, but whatever. I see someone surviving. She covers by saying, “Tickle in my throat, m’lud. Nothing.”

The group walks back to the castle through the increasingly angry crowd, who start mocking Weasleteat. And then? The second greatest event ever: someone throws a turd at Joffrey’s cheek. (First greatest event was the first epic Tyrion-delivered face slap.) Joffrey reacts in a totally reasonable way by ordering that all of his subjects be killed. (Then who will you be king of, dummy?) Pandemonium!

Cersei is escorted one way, the youngest another, and The Hound (who really doesn’t like Joffrey even if he has to keep working for him) wraps an arm around Joffrey to bodily carry him back to safety. Which Joffrey hates.

Joffrey: What are you doing? I want those people executed!

Hound: They want the same for you.

Sansa is separated quickly (shit!) and the priest (septon?) is pulled apart like a Cinnabon. One of the peasants holds his arm aloft like that perfect little crescent in the middle with all of the gooey frosting. (It’s the tastiest part.) Tyrion freaks the hell out (well, he allows himself three seconds of “oh, shit!”) notes that Sansa isn’t with the party, and goes to deal with Lesser Draco, who is raging at his people being assholes for not letting him do what he wants.

Tyrion tells him how stupid he is, how horrible a leader he is, and then – slaps Joffrey again! Oh, it is glorious. Joffrey sputters how that’s not allowed because he’s a king! Whatever, dude, you’re a terrible king. You are starving your people and then mad when they beg for food because you’re a stupid, angry little boy.

Tyrion: We’ve had vicious kings, we’ve had idiot kings, but I don’t know if we’ve ever been cursed with a vicious idiot before! [Achievement Unlocked: KING SLAPPER.]

Sansa, all alone now, runs down an alley after being confronted by a few angry men, and they corner her, preparing to – JFC – gang rape her. Let’s take a moment to realize that four grown men had to act out this scene with a teenage girl, asking if she’s ever been fucked. I’m thinking that wasn’t a fun day on set for anyone. (I was seriously disturbed. Sorry. The day I’m not disturbed by potential rape is a black day in my life, I think.)

Just as it’s about to get really horrible, the Hound shows up, disembowels one, snaps another guy’s neck and kills the third one leaving the last guy cowering in the corner. He tosses Sansa over his shoulder and tells her, ‘You’re all right, Little Bird.” I think he likes Sansa. He brings her to the castle where Tyrion frets over her (because he’s ultimately a gentleman) and then thanks The Hound, who is all Honey Badger about it. “Don’t give a shit if you’re proud of me. Didn’t do it for you.”

Far south in Qarth, Daenerys Targaryen and Xaro chill out in Baron Harkonnen’s courtyard (the Spice King? The dragons are the spice – the spice are the dragons!) waiting for him to show up. He finally does show all insulting and condescending, calling her “Little Princess” and making pouty faces while telling her how idealistic and foolish she is to expect people to support her because she has dreams.

“Do you have an army? No, you do not. Do you have powerful allies? Nada. So…I’m just supposed to give you my four fastest ships –” I will not make a Kessel Run joke, no I will not – “ because you have a dream?”

Uh, maybe you’ve not picked up on something important, Buddy? Dany’s dreams come true. The eggs and the fire? Yeah. But he isn’t swayed by her passion and pretty silver hair, and “good day’s” her. Her purple eyes flash: AND YOU WILL KNOW MY NAME IS THE LORD WHEN I LAY MY VENGEANCE UPON YOU! Yeah, he’s still not giving you his ships, Dany.

Back in Harrenhall, Arya sees a note on the table that details information about Robb and Tywin’s plans. Oho! Tywin comes in and tells her a story about how Jamie is dyslexic and how Tywin still taught him how to read. He asks her who her father is. “A stonemason.” Hm, and he taught Arya to read? “He was pretty cool like that.” She also mentions that he’s dead.

Tywin: What killed him?

Arya: Loyalty. (ooooh.)

Tywin: You’re a sharp little thing, aren’t you? (Yes!)

Guys? I really love these two together! This is some fine television right here.

He tells her that he watched his own father grow old, and it’s overrated. His dad was a bit of a shit, leaving Tywin to restore the family’s good name. While he’s distracted with this story, she manages to steal the note. Oh, Arya. I love you, kid.

She slips away to the courtyard, reads it, and as she runs off with it, she runs into Amory Loreh, the illiterate dummy from the meeting earlier. He’s still smarting over the whole “bested by a young girl” thing and manages to get the note, wonder what’s going on, and tries to drag her before Tywin. Arya slips away “What do we say to Death? Not today!” and she finds Captain Cupcake.

“KILL AMORY. NOW.”

“Uh, it is not for a girl to tell a man to—”

“Whatever, you said a name, here’s a name. Hurry!”

He eye rolls, but walks off. We see Armory at Tywin’s door, but that’s not a step forward, that’s a fall down dead. With a poison dart in his neck! Captain Cupcake is 2 and 0! Better use that last name wisely, Arya, because Captain does not play around. I like him a lot.

Robb Stark wanders through his camp making nice with all of his men when he spots Talisa “I don’t really want job security, thanks ever so” the Amputater ahead, and the sun shines on her lovely face. The guitar chords ring out and he sings to himself, “Kiss me! Out of the bearded barley, nightly beside the green, green grass. Swing, swing, swing those spinning steps. I’ll wear some shoes and you can wear that dress, oh! Kiss me!”

(My goal is to torture you with ear worms with each recap.)

They flirt hard and fast, and Robb doesn’t really have a lot of game. Plus his mom shows up right when he’s about to ask her out and Catelyn’s all smirky with the “I know what you want to do! But you can’t. Because you’re betrothed,” and isn’t that a bucket of cold water? Robb has to marry someone to pay his dad’s debt? God damn, Ned, your honor is the ultimate cock block, yo.

And that’s when they get the raven from Winterfell. Uh oh.

Jon, meanwhile, is out on the frozen expanse, still, with his dear Ygritte (if you love old school LL Cool J, you now have been infected with that ear worm. You’re welcome.) who is lassoed at the wrist and waist. It’s getting dark, he has no idea where they are, and he is not interested in her help, thank you. He wraps her up with the rope like a bundle of wood and shoves her to the stony ground (ha), tells her there will be no fire (except in her pants), and says that yes, he believes his men will find him. (Did we all forget about his magic wolf? Can’t his magic wolf help out?)

He grudgingly agrees that it would be better for them to “pool their warmth” so to speak and lays behind her. She’s all hip roll, “How’s about a stiffy, eh?” and Jon has sworn himself to a life of celibacy, thank you very much! So be still! That lasts for about three seconds when she’s all with the hippy-hippy shake and he is trying to be a gentleman here, Ygritte! Yes, it’s lovely that you think he’s brave (but stupid) but really. He can’t give a 21-gun salute when it’s freezing out, okay? There might be…shrinkage. It’s pretty hilarious.

Robb has been told of Winterfell’s attack, and he’s shocked. Shocked! But his forced companion Theon was like a brother to him! Roose Bolton – the man with the news – says that well, all Greyjoys are treasonous whores, which sounds about right. Catelyn is simply livid upon hearing that Rodrik has been killed and there is no word about Bran and Rickon. Robb, because he’s still very young, thinks that he needs to pack it up and pack it in, but Roose explains that it’s good to be king: it’s called OUTSOURCING. His son, in fact, would be most honored to bring Robb Theon’s head!

No, bring Theon to Robb so Robb can ask an unanswerable question and do the killing himself. That’s actually a good idea, Robb! You’re well on your way to being a good king.

Tonks approaches Theon with a plan: how about you let me “serve” you. Theon isn’t the swiftest boat in the Iron Islands and thinks she means as a cupbearer or something. She rolls her eyes (then promptly bugs them out again) and says, “I know things? Savage things?” and pulls off her clothes. TONKS! What would Lupin say?

Theon matches her bug eyes (and hey, she is pretty damn hot under those robes) and is all, “Oh, you want to service me. For your freedom, I see. Yes. Okay, then! Twice, and once in the bum.” He is such a wonk.

In King’s Landing, Shae treats Sansa’s cut over her eye as Sansa tries to cope with her day. Why would a stranger want her harmed? “Because your horse eats better than his children,” Shae explains. But see, if only they knew that she hates Joffrey more than any of them…

SHUT UP! Girl, that is a quick way to get yourself killed, even if you think you can trust your handmaiden! Shae gives her great advice: never trust anyone. Anyone. (Sorry, Tyrion.)

Tonks, naked in bed with a snoring Theon, sneaks out of his chamber without slitting his throat. Pfft. Amateur. Outside, she has a run in with one of Theon’s men, says that she’s been sent to “make the rounds” and while kissing him, gets his knife and slices his throat. Now go back and kill Theon, dummy!

Nope, instead she whistles the coast is clear and Bran climbs his Seg-Hodor and with Rickon in tow, they all slip away into the night with their direwolves at their side. I like that Hodor has shown back up. M-O-O-N, that spells Hodor!

Back in Qarth, Dany is raging over the lack of turn in events, how people don’t automatically give her things (Um, remember your brother and his demands? Maybe dial it back a bit.) and as she and Xaro get back to his house, sees that all of her men have been killed. THE FUCK? She races upstairs and sees Irri (or is it Dorreah?) dead, then realizes the worst of it: “WHERE ARE MY DRAGONS?!”

(Any Metalocalypse viewers here? “FIND me a dragon!”)

Cut to someone with a cloak over their face and a cage on their back. The dragons are there, and they are making the worst noise, like children screaming. (The Mother of Dragons!) The thief walks steadily up a path to a huge tower, where it’s presumed the dragons will be Rapunzeled.

If I may. They have wings. And will presumably grow. And breathe fire. Not the best animal to “steal,” I’m thinking. Also, my suspicion is that the Blue Lipped Vampires are behind it.

Next Week: The Mother of Dragons is going to go nuclear on some bitches!

Aaaaaaand in this link, EP 7: A MAN WITHOUT HONOR

Please like & share:
  • I love your recaps, and this is completely not to nitpick, but Robb isn’t paying his father’s debt by marrying a Frey, it’s a promise he made in Season 1 in order to cross through Frey territory.

    • I’m glad you love the recaps! And…that isn’t ringing a bell, so I’m just going to state again that I am NOT a book reader? So I don’t know the names in the books that aren’t on the show? And Catelyn Stark said on the HBO show that he has a “debt that is owed” after saying that Robb has his father’s responsibilities?

      I hate that you were forced to nitpick when you don’t want to. I’m going off of the show’s words/actions without knowing all of the things mentioned in the book that don’t make it to screen.

      • SKM

        Actually, Laura, I’m not a book reader and Melissa is right. In the same episode that Ned died, Catelyn negotiated passage across a river by promising Robb and Arya’s hands in marriage to two of Lord Frey’s children. (“Did you see his daughters?” “I did. One was…” *awkward silence*) That’s what Catelyn’s referring back to in this episode.

        • Please read my response above. I know what you’re talking about, promise. Is this really an important detail that I change one word? Note: I’m not going to, I’m just putting the question to you.

      • OhDanyBoy

        In season 1, episode 9, Catelyn has to go into the Twins (a pair of castles defending a bridge spanning a river) to negotiate with Lord Frey (creepy old guy with new young wife) to let Robb’s forces cross the bridge. She later describes his terms to Robb, including marrying Arya off to a Frey son and Robb himself marrying any of Lord Frey’s daughters.

        Robb memorably asks if any of them looked pretty, and Cat replies “One” in a sort of way that suggests she is only kind of decent, and Theon chuckles at Robb.

        Robb agrees, and this is what allows him to send the 2,000 men against Tywin (at the battle where Tyrion gets knocked out) to distract him while the bulk of the Northern forces take Jaime’s forces by surprise and capture Jaime.

        All of that is from the show and requires no reading of the books.

        • DIRECT QUOTE FROM LAST NIGHT:
          “You have inherited your father’s responsibilities-”
          “I know.”
          “-you are promised to another-”
          “I know.
          “-a debt that must be paid.”

          Please focus on important things. If it costs me readers to say this, then I guess it does. I do this for free, and the nitpicking is ridiculous. This isn’t the website for that stuff, period. I’m not wrong. You don’t like the shortcut I’m using, to which I say: this is almost 4000 words written overnight, as I don’t get screeners. (Also: Joffrey’s actual name isn’t Weaselteat.)

          It’s enough, gang. Talk about something else, or choose to not read here – I’m fine either way. If you’re going to be miserable reading my recaps, then by all means: don’t make yourself miserable.

          This is energy sucking. (As opposed to Roz power sucking, hey-o!)

  • Oh no, this is definitely going by the show alone, I absolutely refuse to be one of those “But in the boooooooook” whiners. Check out your recap for 1.9 (Baelor: http://heydontjudgeme.com/2011/06/13/game-of-thrones-1-09-baelor/) :)

    • Cate said there was a debt to be paid last night on the show. I mean…that’s what she said. The only reason why the Starks were on the Filch-Frey land was because of Ned being held prisoner by the Lannisters, so Robb gathered his men to go get him back. And the betrothal was the payment required for Robb and the Bannermen to cross the river to get to Ned – a payment for crossing the bridge.

      When you don’t make a payment, you have a debt….?

      I mean, I could change it to a Promissory Note, I suppose? (But I won’t. ;D)

      • OhDanyBoy

        I guess the issue is saying that it is his father’s debt he is paying. It is not, it is his own, that he agreed to himself.

  • Jeremey

    If you mortgage your house in order to raise the money to bail your dad out of the pen, you may have done it for your father, but the debt is still your obligation to repay. Same principle applies when you agree to marry a troll’s daughter in order to cross the troll’s bridge, so you and your army can go get your dad out of the king’s dungeons.

    • Here you go.

      tl;dr? This isn’t a forum for pedantic nitpicking. Laugh, have fun, or find a place that gives you bliss. *shrug*

      • jk

        Yeah this was pretty clear from the show that this is a debt that he acquired when he wanted to cross the river (I dont know how your not understanding this). She means your father’s debt as in being head of the house stark you have to uphold these promises you make to other houses- as a lord(what he inherited from ned) you can’t make promises to important people and then break them. You really shouldnt be so sensitive to people pointing out your error. I thought it was a good recap but cmon someone just brings one little error to your attention and you get all stubborn and deny it. Then, instead of finally just admitting the small mistake say whatever.

        • ? Wow, dude. I know where the “debt” came from. I also don’t think this is a big deal, but evidently there’s a faction that does.

          I’m glad you enjoyed the recap, and I’m kind of shrugging over the whole nitpick shit. I think there’s a lack of reading comprehension happening here. “I get all stubborn and deny it.”

          Okay, then. This is officially crazy, folks.

  • Thupple

    I am an obsessive book reader and huge fan of the TV series.

    This review made me laugh so hard I had to pretend like I was coughing so my boss would not notice me reading the internets.

    Best recap of GoT that I have seen! You should work for TWOP

    • My goal: ACHIEVED. Glad you laughed! Oh, how I love this show. LOVE it.

  • Katy

    Damn you, now I have “Kiss Me” in my head.

    Why the hell didn’t I connect Osha with Tonks until just now? *headdesk* Thank you for that!

    I like Sansa too, and I can tell you as a book reader, you will get to like her more. And as for the other Stark sister, I kinda wanted Tywin and Arya to be BFFs in those few moments. A Lannister/Stark spin off with just those two? No? Oh well *sigh*.

    You are also going to seriously love Ygritte. There are so many awesome women in this series.

    • Ha ha! EAR WORM. ;D

      I really like Sansa – she lit up the boards last week with the pro and anti Sansa fans, but *shrug* I haven’t been introduced to a character that I’ve not been interested in yet, truthfully.

      One thing I keep telling my husband is how much I love the women on this show. All over the spectrum of what it is to be a woman, and all of them strong as hell and doing the best they can. <3

  • Gail

    Oh my god, that almost rape scene. I’m still kind of freaked out by it. :(

    I am totally with you re: Arya and Tywin! This is some awesome television here! There is some amazing tension in their scenes. I am also enjoying the way little details I wouldn’t think would make it from the book tend to make it into the show. (Tywin re: his dad.) These writers, so clever!

    • That scene was pretty awful to witness. I can’t even imagine how rough it was for the actress – what a trooper! :(

      I could see a spin off with Tywin, Gendry and Arya like a twist on F Troop. :D Hell, I’d watch!

      I really enjoy the writing on this show, as well. Since I have no idea what to expect or look forward to, I am along for the ride with whatever they’re giving me. And I get so miserable when the screen goes black. NOOOOOOO!! One more week!?

  • Maxwell James

    with his dear Ygritte (if you love old school LL Cool J, you know have been infected with that ear worm. You’re welcome.)

    I’m glad she’s not his sister, too! Enough of that in this series!

    As for the bad juju above, it’s the writers’ fault really – they put the wrong damn word in Catelyn’s mouth. It’s Lannisters who pay their debts. The honorable Starks are more concerned with fulfilling their obligations.

    See – problem solved!

    • HAHAHAHAHA, leave it to you to be awesome. Yes, a Lannister always pays his debts! Even when it’s begrudgingly.

      I mentioned last week that the “sibling” aspect of Arya and Gendry leave me to suspect they’re going to eventually hook up. (If so, please, writers, let the actress be legal age.)

      Yo, Ygritte there’s a lot of rumors going around/so bad, baby you might have to skip town. (LL Cool J = Ladies Love Cool Jon.)

      • Maxwell James

        “Jon Snow” would make a really, uh, sad white rapper name.

        Hey, OT: are you guys planning to recap “Sherlock”? Folks want to know…

        • MC Jon Snow – he’d be from Winnipeg, I bet.

          We are planning on it! I have a new girl I’m hoping to bring on (Brit, longtime fan, hilarious.)

          • Maxwell James

            Excellent, thanks!

  • Sue

    M-O-O-N, that spells Hodor! It’s wrong that I snorfled, isn’t it? No?

    I really thought Dany should have put a bike lock on that dragon cage.

    • HA! It is right that you snorfled. Unless you were drinking Tabasco and got it up your nose, in which case: you have my sincerest apology.

      I MEAN LOCK ON THE ONLY KNOWN DRAGONS IN EXISTENCE. This isn’t rocket science, Dany.

  • Disco

    Thanks for another great recap! Loved the reference to The Stand :D
    and don’t expend too much energy trying to argue with nitpickers who want to “correct” you.

    • I love that you got the reference! And thank you for reading! So happy to know you got some chuckles in. :)

  • Reek

    Rowdy Roddy Piper is still alive and kicking, i believe you were thinking of Macho Man Randy Savage who endorsed Slim Jims.

    • Oh, no – he’s just dead to me. He knows why.

  • Ragtag

    Excellent recap! I love Game of Thrones but think most of the recaps/reviews out there are ‘righteously’ serious. The only bad thing is that I wish I’d discovered your site sooner!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
    Ok I didn’t get all your references (different pop culture background I think) but still enough for the best chuckle of the week. I know how tough it is to crank out the blog post in just 1 day or night. Don’t let the nitpickers get you down, there are far more people reading your posts who love them. Gosh if there was any place to escape them I’d be there, but I enjoy GOT too much to let the negativity spoil my mood. They’re just very protective of their precioussssss.

    • Oh, there are a lot of serious folks out there (I mean, sure – the show is intense as can be – but all the more reason to get silly, I say).

      We just got exposure to a bunch of new people all at once, I think, and they’re not familiar with this site. They’ll figure it out or they won’t. :) Thanks for the support, and thanks so much for letting me know you laughed! That’s my number one goal.

      (And I promise – the serious-types won’t want to stick around. Or they’ll relax and join in. This place is for happy fannish interactions, period. We won’t allow it to go the other route.)

  • Elsweyr

    Wonderful recaps, hilarious. I’m a hardcore book reader and I totally support fending off the nitpicking – the show is nailing all the big moments perfectly imo, which for a tv adaptation is far more important than trying to get every little bit in.

    Also, love the little Skyrim references popping in here and there. Arya’s succeeding at all her Persuade checks.

    • So glad you’re enjoying them, thanks! (My husband is a massive book fan and I have to duct tape him to keep him from spoiling me on things.) Re: adaptions from books, it’s just not possible. So much of a story is exposition, thought, narration, and it’s just not possible to get everything in. And from what I understand there are literally forty-three thousand nine hundred and twelve main characters in the books. That would be the biggest craft services table ever. ;D

      Fellow Skyrim fen! (I just made the huh-hoo-HUH! shout in your honor.) Oh, do I love the Elder Scrolls.

      Now, while all of the sniff-hem hem comments get tiresome, that’s not to say that excited discourse shouldn’t happen, because we love that. (Baelor had some pretty awesome discussions in comments. But then, it was Baelor, one of the best episodes for the entire series. So far…) Feel free to chat people up, should the mood strike you.

  • Elsweyr

    When the credits began rolling for “Baelor” (with that sad music), I remember turning to my wife and saying “That’s the best hour of television I think I have ever watched, period.”

    • Oh, without a doubt. It was up there with Hawkeye’s rooster and Starbuck’s freefall, for me.

  • Sir John Silvertaint of Brokeasfuck

    I didn’t get to watch the episode. Thank you. Your recap filled the void. Thanks for the deets!

  • Miss H.

    As always, this recap is awesome. Thanks! :D I have so much to say! But I’ll just touch on one thing: -lol-

    When I read to the part about Robb flirting kinda hardcore with rather hawt field medic, I was like, all hmmm: “is that… is that Kiss Me by SNTR… di you… did you just put out some song lyrics?!” -oh I know! A great idea to confirm would be to TRY SING them along to the tune of Kiss Me, no?! while reading recap and visualising the scene again-”

    And I now have this slash(fan)vid idea for the song Kiss Me in my head. It features Robb and Talissa. Obviously, doh. Haha. Laura, uh thanks? I think.
    Ugh! :P

    Oh oh, I don’t believe I the only one who screamed at my TV: DO IT AGAIN. COME ONNNNN AGAIN!!! SLAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAP!! @ Tyrion & Joffrey.

    (Can someone make a .gif of Joffrey getting *chain* slapped?)

    • Thank you for saying so! And YES I DID JUST PUT IN THOSE SONG LYRICS. Hahaha, YOU ARE WELCOME. :D

      The slapping of Joffrey by Tyrion will never fail to be a fist pump of a moment. It’s always so gloriously unexpected, (but always wanted!) too.

  • Miss H.

    Exactly! I was like “HELL YEAAAARRR” when it happened. I had thought there would be a Joffrey-getting-slapped-by-Tyrion dryspell, but no! THANK YOU SHOW.

    You know what! I totally checked that raven out, too. (Oh, no. Whatcha thinking!? Not thaaat way, I don’t have a bird fetish or something :P) The three eyed raven dream, peeps. The eye thingy!!!

    GMT+8er here. So it is time to head out and pretend to be all adultish @ work. Bai! I’ll see yaaaalll next week :D

  • Brandi

    I would like to point out way back when, Ned Stark showed us that a *real* man/king beheads someone with one fell swoop. Theon, fails at *real* anything other than asshole.

    I read book 2 last summer and I swear to god, they’ve diverged [in some instances] so far from canon that I was honestly lost. Then I decided to forget what I read and it no longer mattered!

    • Theon…what a great character the actor is creating. So squirrelly and awful.

      Oh, you absolutely cannot do the “but in the book” argument with anything sprawling or epic. There’s just no way they can a) put everything in and b) take into account POV exposition, etc. You just have to see the at two separate things.

      William Goldman’s “What Lie Did I Tell?” is the best book out there for understanding why writers have to make them different. (Plus it’s a great read.)

  • Cekestina

    I just found this site, and I LOVE your recaps. Lots of humor, lots of insight. Can’t wait for your next one!

    Question: do you have a theory about the relevance of the tile “The Old Gods and the New” to this episode? It eludes me.

    • Hello! Glad to hear you’re enjoying the site, that’s always wonderful to get a new reader.

      I don’t know how much of a theory it is, more than an assumption: We had the Old Gods with the fellas up in the (true) North as they fight to maintain their (younger) way of living, and a “clash of the old and new” happening in most other areas of the story. (Melisandre and her god, Joffrey and himself – I like to think he sees himself in a Kim Jong Il sort of way – and so on. Hopefully another puzzle piece will be set out on Sunday so I can get a better picture of where things are headed. Although, given the number of books there are, probably not. :)