The Bachelorette; Season Emily; Episode 3

The new title for this episode is now: Will You Be My BabyDaddy?

Momma brings Emily breakfast in bed and they talk about how Ricki is doing just fine with her dating 25 different dudes and pretending she’s not dating anyone.

Mr. Overpaid shows up and explains the show again to the dudes, as if they don’t know what this is all about by now. He leaves them the first date card and it goes to Chris: Love is a steady climb.

Goody. We are going to have climbing and conversation. This is going to be SO exciting.

We see the two walking together and Emily says Chris has been at the top of her list since day one. So they walk to Mint Fire Command Center and they don their harnesses to “climb” up the building. (Climb = be pulled up.)

First motivational poster moment: I want a man who will stay beside me, even in hard times.

Yes, because pretending to climb a skyscraper, fully harnessed, is exactly like marriage.

They get to the top of the building and Chris doesn’t kiss her because he’s a total fucking wuss. But he talks about how he wants to kiss her and he hopes the right moment will present itself. Right. Because a successful “climb” up a giant building as a lightning storm descends upon you isn’t anywhere close to the “right moment.” Dude. Methinks your expectations may be a wee bit too high.

Okay, so it’s dinner time and Emily tells Chris that he’s “too cute” and if they were at a bar she would be too nervous to talk to him. If you’re keeping count, I believe this is the third guy (maybe the fourth) that she has told he was “hot” and “makes her nervous.” She likes hot dudes. Let’s hope she finds one hot dude who is also babydaddy material.

Chris tells her that he wants to get the date rose and maybe a 1st kiss (MAYBE? REALLY?)  and Emily is all “So you aren’t the guy who makes the first move. Your last relationship…what happened?” (Okay, seriously…if he has to ask at DINNER for “maybe” the first kiss…when he clearly could have just kissed her after spidermanning a building? Emily, just move on. He might be babydaddy material, but he’s not eat crackers in your bed anytime material.) Trust me girl. You want both.

She also asks Chris how old he is because he “seems so mature” but when he says he’s 25 that is a red flag for Emily because she thinks that he may be too young to be her babydaddy.

Back in Douchebag Dungeon we get the group date card: Charlie, Alejandro the Mushroom Farmer, MC BitchyPants (Stevie), Ryan, Alessandro the Grain Merchant, Sean, John the Wolf, Michael, Doug, Jef-with-one-F, Tony, and Eggman (Travis). “Let’s Play” is the message on the card and all the playas in the group get a hard on. (Ryan)

Meanwhile on the least romantic date ever, Chris is begging Emily to understand that even though he’s young, he’s ready to be a father. Family comes first with him, he’s mature and he’s ready. Emily likes Chris’s willingness to be her babydaddy, so of course he’s getting a rose. “I’ve gotta follow my heart.”

Well, this is a journey, sister. Just in case you didn’t know.

So after he gets the rose, they get a personal concert by Luke Bryan and they pseudo dance like they’re comfortable…and then at the perfect moment, Chris leans over and

asks her if he can kiss her.

He says he did it out of respect for her. I say he did it because there was a crowd and he didn’t wanna risk getting the cheek in front of everyone.

Her answer: “Well why don’t you try and you’ll find out.”

GUYS, TAKE NOTE. Seriously, we don’t want you to ask for a kiss. Just go for it. If you can’t read our body language enough to know for sure whether it will be a win or a lose, then you deserve to be rejected.

He kisses her, and Luke Bryan starts singing his song about losing a love. Hmmmm. Foreshadowing?

Of course, according to both Chris and Emily, they could totally fall for each other and love each other forever.

Group date time…the guys meet Emily at a park where she throws Ryan a football and all the boys get excited that it is going to be a “play” day. Ryan is still excited about it being a playa day. Emily leaves them for a few minutes and goes to meet a group of her closest friends. The gals are going to evaluate the group and see if they are “worthy of being Emily’s husband.”

Their douche faces fall (except for Ryan’s). Guess this isn’t gonna be so fun after all. Ryan thinks he’s got this in the bag. (The Douche Bag, that is.) Women dig him, you see. He’ll charm them and win all their hearts (and hopefully their panties as well).

The interviewing begins and of course the main question they ask is “So you ready to be a babydaddy?”

Ryan gives them a smoldering look and says, “Mmhmmm. Yeah.” Then he smolders a little more. They wanna see him do push ups (let’s face it, he is definitely Man Meat) “I sleep like this sometimes,” he says as he slowly, rhythmically pushes up on the picnic table. And he smolders a little more.

While they are talking to Jef-with-one-F they say, “So tell us, what’s with the guy with the egg?”

That’s when EggMan walks up with his BabyEgg and says, “I’d like to introduce you to Shelly.” OMG really?

MC BitchyPants does a pop-n-lock move for the ladies. Good GAWD this boy shoulda been on Breakin’ Too, Electric Boogaloo!

Sean comes up and her friends are “YOU ARE SO CUTE!” He tells them his family is centered around faith and his father has taught him to be a man. Emily’s friend Wendy says, “Sean is a genetic gift to the world, then when he talks, he gets even better looking if that’s possible.” Wendy asks, “What would your super power be?”

Sean: I think I’d like to fly.

Wendy: (mentally licking her lips) You’d look good in a cape. Or spandex. Take your shirt off.

Sean: Seriously?

The Girls: Yeah.

Sean removes his shirt and does push ups. Wendy sits on him and says, “This is like a dream come true.”

After the extreme interview sessions are over, Emily gets the Douches together and says she’s looking forward to getting their report card, but before that, she needs to see for herself what kind of dad they will be. That’s right boys, get ready to put your babydaddy claims to work. She blows a whistle and a million-billion ankle biters come storming into the park. It was like being attacked by a group of wild Picts.

Ryan is all I love kids, I’m able to relate to kids, but I need some time with Emily. So he smolders on over to where the girls are talking and Wendy (who I absolutely adore. I want her to be my best friend forever now) says, “You’re very put together and pretty. I mean, in a manly way.” He smolders. “But then, you could get married and blow up like a tick, you never know.”

Emily: As soon as I get married, done! hahaha

The girls: That’s right, we’re done keeping it together.

Emily: *looks at Ryan* Is that okay with you?

Ryan: *trying to smolder through a nervous smile* No. No it’s not. I think that you need to be at your best.

It's not that I won't love you if you're fat. I'm just not into fat, so I won't be in you. Ever.

 

Emily: If you got fat, I would still love you.

Ryan: If you just sat around and didn’t take care of yourself…that’s different. I would have a problem if you got lazy and let that happen. I would still love you, just not love on you as much.

Emily and girls laugh. But her eyes tell a different story.

Dude, I think you’re smoldering has melted some of your brain cells.

The girls gave her a list of who they think would be best. Sean and Doug were the top two, with one friend still wanting her to choose Ryan, even after his fat warning. Ugh. His smolder magic obvioulsy worked on her.

Ryan considers himself the “absolute” front runner. Her friends like him, he’s confident he’s getting the rose.

Okay, group date COCKtail party time, where all the douches will fight for one-on-one time.

First up: Sean. He had a blast and he loved her friends. Emily goes right for the jugular with him: “You told me last time we talked that you’re picky.”

Sean: Selective

Emily: You say selective, I say picky…

Sean: I am selective. I’m not going to settle for less than the best. I want someone who’s confident and knows where they are and where they are going. I want to find what my parents have. They are so in love. And that’s what I want.

Next up: Doug

“Your girlfriends were so funny and fun and they reminded me of all my buddies’ wives.”

Emily: There’s a lot more to me than being a mom, and I know there’s more to you than being a dad.

Doug: So you want to know my story now?

Long story short, Doug’s epileptic father met his mother (who wasn’t a good person) and they married and had two babies. Mom left. Dad died one night because he didn’t want to go to the hospital and spend their grocery money. Doug and his sister were shipped around from foster home to foster home after that. They were even split up one time.

Emily is crying. “This is such a testament to who you are. I know a lot of people who would be so angry and you’re the least angry person I know.”

We then see Tony (Price Charming of Lumber Trading) crying in a corner. He is missing his son. Today was very emotional playing with kids that aren’t his own.

The Douchebag Doorbell rings and the one-on-one date card arrives. Kalon is sure he’s the one going to get the card, but much to his disappointment, it goes to Speedracer Arie: Love is a wild ride.

Kalon is jealous. “In a perfect world I’d get every date card. I certainly think I deserve it.”

We’re back at the COCKtail party where Tony and Emily are spending some alone time together. He thanks her for a wonderful time today and tells her how much he needed to be with kids. He spoke to his son last night which made it really hard to be away. And then he started crying. Emily pats him on the shoulder and she says, “I promise you it’s harder on you than him. Just remember that in the end, this could all be worth it. I hope that you can hang in there.”

My two dads (Doug and Tony) are talking. Tony admits he was thinking of leaving, Doug says, “If something bad is going on, then I would absolutely tell you to go home. But he’s 5 years old and he’ll be fine.”

Tony cries and cries. He talks to his son and cries some more. Look, I get it, but dude. Your kid is fine. He sounds happy. Dry your freaking eyes already! Nope, he cries some more. And Emily walks up on him: “Tony, what’s wrong? What’s going on?”

Tony: Nothing. Just missing my son. This is harder than I expected. I didn’t think it would be this emotional.

Emily: I’m sorry you’re having a hard time. It makes me think about my time with Brad and knowing that if I wasn’t his girl, I would have wanted him to send me home right then. I would never be able to forgive myself if I kept you longer and we didn’t work out. If I knew 110% it would be you and me to the end, I’d hang on to your coattails. Taylor is lucky to have you. Go be a dad.

They hug it out, and he gets into the cab.

It’s time for the date rose…Emily tells the guys she sent Tony packing. But onto the fun stuff: congratulations Sean! “You backed up everything you’ve been saying since day one. Will you accept this rose?”

Ryan’s smolder turns to seething egotism. “Would I love to have a rose on this date, yes, but I already have security.”

Speedracer and Emily head out on their one-on-one date. Chris says he has a hard time believing that Arie or any of the guys will have the kind of connection he had with Emily any time soon. I guess he’s forgetting he was so insecure he had to ask permission for a kiss…

The couple take a private plane to Tennessee where they spend the day in Dollywood. (JEALOUS!) Emily is a big Dolly Parton fan…she calls Dollywood “the happiest place on earth.”

Arie: I didn’t even know that Dolly Parton was into stuff like this.”

I’m not gonna lie, this is my idea of the perfect date. ROLLERCOASTERS! DUDE.

They walk into Dolly’s theatre.  On the stage there are two pieces of paper and microphones that say “Write a love Song.” While they are discussing the worst lyrics ever, the curtain behind them opens up and there stands Dolly in all her boobalicious glory.

Dolly: Hey.

Emily: OMGWTFBBQ!

Dolly: mmmmm BBQ. Hello there.

Emily: OMGWTFBBQ I could die.

Dolly: Surprise.

Emily: It’s Dolly Freakin’ Parton.

Dolly: Well, I wrote a song for this very occasion and I specifically wrote it for the two of you.

And then she sings an awesome little song. And I love Dolly Parton even more.

Emily: OMGWTFBBQ I could die. That’s Dolly Freakin’ Parton. This is the best moment of my life.

Dolly invites Emily over for some girl talk. Emily is still in shock. Dolly tells her she’s been married almost 46 years so true love can last.

Dolly sings them a romantic song that she wrote for her husband. Emily is still dazed. She’s completely starstruck. It’s quite cute.

She and Arie seem to have a good connection. I hate to tell Chris and Ryan, but Speedracer is moving to the front of the pack.

It’s dinner time for Speedracer and Emily and it’s time to get to the interview portion of the date.

Emily: So you told me you dated a girl with two kids. I need to know more about that.

Arie: I was in love with her and we broke up a year ago. It was hard because I was so attached to her kids.

The topic of having children came up. He was ready and she didn’t want anymore and that was what ended the relationship.

They have a good conversation, and she offers him the rose. He accepts. They give each other a little peck on the cheek. After dinner, they take a carosel ride and like a real man, he leans over and kisses her like he means it. No permission necessary. There’s definitely some chemistry between these two.

Rose ceremony COCKtail time where Emily gets to spend her last few minutes with the remaining douches before she makes her decision.

Ryan is smirking and smoldering while looking at himself in the mirror. He’s very in love with the Man in the Mirror.

First one-on-one douche is Kalon. (This guy really reminds me of Ryan Phillpe’s character in Cruel Intentions. He actually looks like him, too. He would totally be the James Spader character in every John Hughes movie ever filmed in the 80s…

He tells her he took it personally when he didn’t get a date this week. He kisses her ass for a little while. She asks him what he thinks of her as a mom. And he rambles on about being the son of a single mom. She says, “So what if your mom had found the love of her life but he said he wanted his first child to be his own.”

Kalon: I love it when you talk, but please let me finish.

Shut your cakehole. And while you're at it, make me a sammich. And WTF are you doing wearing shoes?

OH. NO. HE. DI’UNT!

Emily: her face freezes. Ok.

Kalon continues answering with a bunch of BS while Emily pretends to care.

In her private interview: I do like tall, skinny, and funny. I don’t like tall, skinny, and condescending.

Next up is Eggman and Shelly. He tells Emily that her friends advised him to set Shelly free, so he thought it would be a good idea they toss the egg to freedom together. Does this mean I can no longer call him Eggman? Shelly takes a splat on the concrete and they mourn her loss. The dudes all toast Shelly’s departure.

Next in the one-on-one hot seat is Grain Merchant Alessandro (not to be confused with the Mushroom Farmer, Alejandro)

Emily: How do you think you’ll be as a dad?

Alessandro: I don’t know. I don’t have a lot of experience with kids.

Emily: Am I going to be able to put all my trust in you?

Alessandro: That’s a great point, and you’re going to teach me. If I’m willing to take that compromise as a part of my life…

*record scratch*

Emily: But what’s going to change?

Alessandro: Like I said, that whole compromise thing

Emily: what are you compromising?

Alessandro: Me as the chief, as the dad in the family.

Emily: You don’t see that as an honor?

Alessandro: Honor? Uh. Ah. Uh. I see it as a compromise. I think that’s what marriage is about.

Emily: Me having a daughter is not a compromise and whoever I’m going to be with needs to see my daughter as the biggest bonus ever. Don’t you see?

Alessandro: No. I don’t see it that way. It’s just a compromise. I can’t relocate. I have tell my company I can’t move because of my family. That is a compromise.

Emily:  YOU SHALL NOT PASS!

Emily felt really disrespected by his treatment of her daughter. She walks away from the COCKtail party and runs into Arie in the hall. He hugs her and they share a sweet moment with some sexy kisses. Like, the kind of kissing that appears to be innocent pecks but the sparks are shooting off their lips like flint to stone.

Ryan watches, and his smolder turns into steam. “I would never have seen myself competing with someone like Arie. We’re very different. He’s a dainty man, I’m more of a physical guy.”

Sean steps up and has the perfect conversation with Emily. He tells her that no matter what, if they end up together, Ricki will be his daughter. And then they kiss…and more sparks. Wow. Homegirl’s got it bad for 2 dudes.

It’s rose ceremony time, and 2 have already been sent home, so there should be only 1 left to be dismissed.

Surprisingly, she keeps Kalon. I would have sent him packing the moment he told me to shut my cakehole.

MC Bitchypants is center stage, doing his last dance on the way out the door. Kalon smirks. His nemesis is gone.

Next week on the Bachelorette, the gang heads to Bermuda where surely there will be a love triangle…

Dear Bachelorette Gods,

Please give us more awesome next week. I mean, in one episode we got “I like you better when you’re quiet,” “I like you as long as you don’t get fat,” and “I like you but you and your baggage, I mean, kid would be a compromise for my awesome.” We also had 2 rounds of push ups by hot guys, a whole lot of smoldering, and big boys wearing big panties as they compete for their one-true TV love. You’ve set the bar high with this episode. Don’t let me down.

Also, can we get an in-the-ocean handy-J next week like we did with Courtney and Ben?

Love,
Melf

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  • Clint Eastwood’s Rubber Ducky

    amazing recap and sounds like a great episode… I will def have to find thi one on the interwebz to watch.

    I can’t believe these guys are talking to her like that/she lets herself get talked to that way. If someone told me to shut my cakehole, it would get all NO YOU DIDN’T very fucking quickly. and the fat thing?? how did she not call him out on that? ai ai ai.

    I just don’t understand who would want to be on this show, and how you could honestly believe all the dudes want to marry you/be the father of your kid, when its a contest. and they want to win.

    I guess I am overthinking this too much. great entertainment, though.

    • Sorry, Ducky. I wasn’t logged in properly earlier when I responded, so here I go again:
      Well. “Cakehole” was implied. haha

      He actually said, “I love it when you talk, but please let me finish.” in the most condescending dickhole way I’ve ever heard. Seriously. It’s like he came straight off the set of Cruel Intentions.

      I’ll give Emily her due, she absolutely calls them out on their BS. If she knows she’s not into him, she sends him away.

      but yeah, it’s still a game show and c’mon…I like Emily, but does she really think she’s gonna find a forever guy?

  • LOL! Almost better than watching it in person :)

    • Well, not quite, Maria. haha. But I do enjoy my recaps of shame….

  • Cath

    As someone who’s very first kiss was the result of her b/f asking her beforehand (had to have been before 3rd period in jr. high – any idea what that does to a young girl’s nerves?), I really think men/boys all over the world show know that asking for a kiss is AWFUL and will make the kiss TERRIBLE. Ugh. Someone should really tell them, no?

    OMGWTFBBQ = my new fav expression.

    Your recaps are my favorite thing about Tuesdays! Thank you!

    • OMG, IKR? Because the expectations are so high. The nerves, the crazy freaking dry mouth…the “what if he sticks his tongue into my mouth” thoughts right before your lips meet.

      GUYS. Please just man up and kiss the girl. You’ll like it. And so will she. (Unless you suck. haha)

      Thanks so much, Cath! I’m thrilled to know people read and enjoy. Sometimes I think I’m the only one left in this world who enjoys Rubbernecking TV.