Apparently Emily is bringing her daughter along on this entire journey to find true tv love. Which is cool. I’m kinda liking Emily more and more, and I never thought I’d say that about any bachelorette.
We open the show with the Douchetestants riding itty-bitty scooters all wearing pastel-colored T-shirts and little white helmets. “Bermuda, Bermuda” they chant. They see us scootin’, they be hatin’. Just so you know, watching the dudes roll up like a gang of preschoolers on scooters is the perfect foreshadowing for this show. Well done, producers. Well done.
First date card arrives and Daddy Doug E Fresh is the winner of the first Bermuda one-on-one date. “Let our senses lead the way.”
We get a lot of Daddy Doug E Fresh whining and the dudes are picking on him and he’s being all “Shut up. Wah! Leave me alone! I don’t wanna talk about it! Wah!Wah!” Speedracer gives him about a two-beat breather before he says, “You seem kinda nervous man.” And Doug (which I keep accidentally typing as Dough and that would be awesome if he looked like he ever ate a biscuit) jumped up and got all Beefy and Angry just as Emily walks in. They leave and Speedracer says. “Doug mad! Doug SMASH! Doug sad.”
I think Daddy Dough E Fresh was wearing his Incredible Sulk underoos on today’s date. The underwear that’s Fun to wear!
The date is basically a typical island town date, shopping, sampling foods, holding hands, chatting each other up. Doug portrays himself as the most perfect dude ever. She asks him if he’s ever grumpy or in a bad mood and he admits that he “schooled the boys” just before she walked in to pick him up.
I’m going to have to look up the definition of schooled again, I guess. I actually thought Speedracer was playing him like a fiddle, but maybe Dough E Fresh was talking about something that went on in his mind.
They send Dough E Fresh’s kid a postcard, then walk through this moongate where they make a wish while holding hands. And then they are covered in canned cheese as we go to commercial.
Mmmm. Canned cheese…
The Douchitude (Thank you for that awesome new term, Joyce) is running rampant back at Hotel Douchemuda. There will be a group date in Bermuda as well as the first 2-on-1 date. Which always sounds kinky, but winds up being awkward instead.
The Group Date card arrives: Charlie, Ryan (hope there’s room enough for his ego), Chris and his attitude, Jef-with-one-F, Sean, Speedracer, Travis (formerly known as the Eggman), & Condescending Kalon.
It’s dinner time on date night and Daddy Dough E Fresh starts out the evening of perfection by confessing that as much fun as he had on today’s date, his favorite part was when they wrote his son a postcard. Emily is not buying this perfect act. She wants Dough to open up and stop being so perfect.
Em: “What would your ex-girlfriend say about you?”
Dough: “I spent too much time with my son.”
Em: “NO. That’s the perfect answer. Stop.”
Dough: “She complained that I didn’t wash her car enough.”
Daddy Dough E Fresh turned the question around on Emily and asked her what her faults were and this is where I kinda fell in love with her a little bit. “I don’t work out, sometimes I wear my PJs all day…and I don’t mean I just stay in the house, I run my errands wearing my pajamas.”
Homegirl, you’re my people. Now just stop looking so fucking put together, mmkay?
Daddy Dough E Fresh walks away from the date wearing the rose. Emily likes him, and has hope that he is really a genuinely good guy.
But instead of sealing the rose pinning with a kiss, Daddy Dough E Fresh hesitates. He admits in his private interview that his grandfather told him you never kiss a girl until she lets you know she wants you to. So instead of hulk smashing her lips to his, he sits there awkwardly, waiting for a sign.
Here’s your sign: LOSER.
You got a rose. You’re competing with 12 other dudes on a romantic island. If you don’t think you need to kiss a girl to stay at the top of the pack, then you and your man-gina need to go home. Damn, man. How did you even get a girl pregnant?
The dinner ends with Daddy Dough E Fresh making small talk and Emily sitting there, looking awkwardly rejected. “Shall we?” Dough asks. And they leave.
Is there a no take-backs rule? Because if not, I’d have totally ripped that rose right off his lapel.
It’s group date day, and there will be a pseudo sea of testosterone as two teams of douches compete via sailboat for the right to date Emily that night. If your team loses, you go back to Hotel Douchemuda.
Most of the douches have never sailed before. They get a quick lesson and then split into teams.
Back in the den of douchiness, the 2-on-1 date card arrives. John the Wolf, and Nate. 2 will enter, 1 will leave. “Let’s explore our Bermuda love triangle.” I definitely think the 2-on-1 dates should be more like Thunderdome…I think I’ll write the producers. Or my congressman.
So, if you’ve never watched this show before (what is wrong with you?) all you need to know about group date competitions is that one team will be way ahead and definitely going to win and be all cocky about it, while the other team seems to be going in circles…until suddenly, the underdog team comes from behind (hahahahaha) and wins. BEHOLD! THE POWER OF EDITING!
And that’s exactly what happens on this date. Team Red pulls out early (yes, I know. I can’t help myself) and takes the lead. Team Red: Charlie, Travis, Sean, and Chris and his attitude. “Hey Nancy! See you guys later!”
Team Yellow: Ryan and his ego, Condescending Kalon, Speedracer, and Jef-with-one-F. Team yellow goes in circles at first, completely behind. Then finally, they pull up, and take the lead into the final stretch. And the reason they win? Jef-with-one-F’s hair also doubles as a sail. It gave them the extra push they needed…
The van ride home is very sad, as Charlie turns into Charlie Brown and starts crying. He hangs his head into his arms, and adjusts his pad. His lady-flower must be blooming, right? I mean, why else would he be so emotional? Next time, remember to take some Pamprin. Also, my friend Robyn wants to know if she needs to offer you a tit to suckle.
The other losers in the van hum our old HOtown favorite, Tears of a Douche as we cut to commercial…
Group date COCKtail hour is where Ryan’s Super Ego really takes over. He holds up his glass and proposes a toast to Emily, “To a fun day of racing and a beautiful, and possibly, Trophy wife.”
His douchenozzle is set to heavy flow.
Speedracer and Emily go hang on the beach. They have a pretty strong connection. Kiss, kiss, kiss.
Jef-with-one-F takes his turn on the beach under the blanket with Emily. They talk a lot, and they have the perfect moment to kiss, and there is nothing. Nada. No kiss. WTF is wrong with these boys?
Ryan and his ego take their time with Emily. He plans to share some concerns that he has. “She’s been given a lot of responsibility and I want to see her do a lot with it.”
Ryan: There’s a lot of depth here, to who I am. I have a very mature approach to relationships. I’m not here to impress you but to make an impression upon you.
Em: Some of the things that come out of your mouth, I think where in the world does that come from?
Ryan: What do you mean?
Em: “You ain’t cheatin’, you ain’t tryin’.”
“I’ll love ya, but I won’t love on ya.”
“You best be gettin’ your butt to the gym.”
Ryan: You’ve been to the gym. I like your butt because you’ve been to the gym.
Em: would it be acceptable if I didn’t go to they gym, I just chased your children around?
Ryan: I’d like that. You and me would make beautiful children.
Em: But if I gained weight chasing your children around that would be okay.
Ryan: We would have beautiful children. We’d have pretty kids don’t ya think?
Em: You’re trying to get out of answering my question.
Ryan: God designed you to be a beautiful woman, so be a beautiful woman.
Emily laughs because she can’t tell if he’s serious or not. Girl, he’s serious. Send Ryan and his ego home…
Ryan keeps talking. “I had a hard time the other night at the rose ceremony. To whom much is given, much is required you know, and I feel like you’ve been given an amazing opportunity. I know that you are different. Coming into this I was praying not only for myself but for you, that you would use this opportunity to really impact tons of young ladies who will be watching you and how you respond to men, and treat them and how you hold yourself to a high standard. We had to sit there and watch you and Arie kissing.”
Em: You know that relationships all move at different speeds. You all know I’m dating your friends, but to have that thrown in your face like that, I apologize.
(HE KNOWS HE’S ON THE BACHELORETTE, RIGHT?) Okay, and seriously, what an asshole. I mean, we’ve seen glimpses of his asshole before disguised in jest, but after this, we’ve seen the shine of his bleached bunghole in all its glory. You know his ego wouldn’t dare allow him to have a hairy pucker, right?
The date rose goes to Jef-with-one-F and still no kiss.
Ryan and his ego are pissed, but he covers it up saying that giving the rose to Jef was a safe move. Speedracer slams on the brakes in surprise.
It’s 2-on-1 date time and I’m wishing these three would just give in and love on each other like there is no tomorrow. Let’s take the show to another level…
Sadly, no, we don’t get the first Bachelorette menage-a-douche. We just get the typical, awkward, “Oh crap one of us is going home” interviews between a few silent stares where even the crickets are so uncomfortable they refuse to chirp. They spend the day on the ocean, then do a little cliff-jumping where we get a motivational poster moment “This could be a big jumping off point for the both of us.” (You meant the three of us, right?)
Back in Doucheville, the boys are gossiping about which 2-on-1 douche will be sent home. During this theological discussion, Ryan astutely acknowledges that Nate is only 25 to John’s 30 and that difference in age is big “in a man’s life and experience.”
Dough E. Fresh agrees that there is a big difference in maturity and experience in a man 25, 30, or 35. Chris gets a little bowed up.
Dough E: Of course you do, you’re 25.
hahahaha. Blank stare. Tense jaw.
Chris: It’s not your age, it’s your experience.
Speedracer chimes in: you experience a lot between 25 and 30.
Chris: Don’t sit here and say because we’re 25 we aren’t experienced enough for Emily. I’m tired of hearing it.
Wah, wah, wah!
It’s 2-on-1 dinner time and the awkward bubble just keeps getting bigger. They are dining in a cave filled with stalagtites and stalagmites and silence. Lots of silence. Then a little forced conversation, a toast, some shifting in their seats, and more silence. And then Nate asks, is this quinoa? and he says it KWIN No Ah… not Keen wah and it’s awesome. And John says he’s probably not going to eat it and Nate says he’s probably not going to eat, unless Emily really wants to eat and then they drink their wine loudly and everyone looks away, including me because it’s just too painful to watch.
Nate finally gets some 1-on-1 time with Emily where, and I kid you not, he starts to cry. He’s telling her about his parents, brother, and friends and gets completely choked up. And she rubs his arm and calls him so sweet as she slides him right into the friend zone.
And the date rose goes to, John. Let’s face it, he’s not the one for her, but he didn’t cry talking about his parents and brother. She tells Nate that she really likes him, but doesn’t see them as a good fit in a forever kind of way.
It’s Final Rose COCKtail time and we are not disappointed in the cock-fighting that develops. We are also not disappointed in Jef-with-one-F’s attire of bermuda shorts and blue socks pulled up to his knees. Is he hiding his other F in those socks?
The boys can’t stand Ryan and his ego, so while Ryan is chatting Emily up in private, they are gossiping like bitchy little girls. They all decide that Speedracer should interrupt Ryan and his ego, which will totally knot Ryan’s manties up because he sees Arie as his competition since Emily has kissed him.
Speedracer: Can I steal you away?
Em: Of course.
Ryan: Um, yeah. Of course.
In private: I guess guys do see me as a threat. I feel sorry for them.
I’m not sure who said that, Ryan or his ego… By the end of the show last night, I had decided that Ryan’s Super Ego had stolen Jef’s other F because being a Super Ego isn’t enough. He needs a Super F’n Ego.
Dough E Fresh and Chris are still pissy with each other. Chris is still very offended by Dough E’s comments that being 25 isn’t old enough to be a husband or a father, etc. So of course, Chris mentions it to Emily.
After his time with Emily, we get a total Bro-off between Dough E Fresh and Chris.
Chris: I wanna know why you think you’re the better man between the two of us.
Dough: I didn’t say I was.
Chris: But you think you are.
Dough: You’re being a little immature.
Chris: I’m talking to you like a grown-ass man.
Dough: You’re making me laugh now.
Chris: I’m never gonna back down to you.
Dough: Back down? What are you talking about. You’re so immature.
Chris: Wah. I just don’t believe you. I think you’re trying to hide something. You’re over-the-top humble and I don’t believe half of what you say.
So it’s time for the rose ceremony. Who’s going home?
Well, Charlie, you were a nice guy for a titty baby. Pack your panties, your Pamprin, and your pads and float home on your river of tears. And of course, he cries as he leaves.
We also say good-bye to Nickelback, I mean, Michael…who I don’t even remember. And although it shouldn’t surprise me, he also cries during his exit interview.
Next week, Condescending Kalon calls Emily’s kid baggage, and Emily grows a giant pair of testicles and tells Kalon to GTFO. Epic happenings to look forward to in London. See you next week, folks!
Also, if you’d like to see a typical Bachelorette conversation I had on Facebook during the show last night, please feel free to visit my personal blog for a taste of humor covered in awesome-sauce.