Prometheus

Okay, first off, I have been waiting for this movie since I was 8 years old and saw the first Alien movie on a pilfered VHS tape with the rest of my Girl Scout troop—out of maybe 25 kids, I was the only one who watched the entire thing and clamored for more. So when I first heard about this movie finally coming out, I predictably lost my fool mind. I was a little nervous when I realized it was being written by Damon Lindelof, who cruelly betrayed me so many times in the 7 seasons of Lost, but all my fears were for naught because OH MY GOD THIS MOVIE IS SO AWESOME. Consider yourselves well warned for CAPSLOCK shrieking, alien gore, space madness, and Idris Elba lusts gone wild.

The opening sequence is quite literally the most stunning thing I have ever seen (and I take a moment to curse all my Icelandic friends for never once mentioning how glorious their country is—I assumed it had been filmed in New Zealand until I saw the end credits) with mountains and icy streams and glaciers and vast expanses of green emptiness and general landscape awesomeness.

We end up with a huge saucery ship hovering over a massive waterfall, and a single pale white humanoid alien duder in a dramatic cape is standing at the very edge. He’s got some kind of metal dish that he sets down on the ground, and when he opens it, there’s what can only be Bad News inside—some sort of twitchy, nasty, oily fluid. Humanoid Alien Duder gulps it down like a frat boy with a shot of tequila as the saucery ship flies off into the sky.

Humanoid Alien Duder starts looking a little worse for the wear, and is soon covered with unpleasant greenish-black blotches. He explodes rather repulsively and drops over the waterfall, nasty oozy bits of his innards and presumably DNA splattering everywhere in the river. I feel we are off to an excellent start, don’t you?

*****

Back on Earth, it’s 2089. In the mountains of the Isle of Skye, Dr. Elisabeth Shaw [Noomi Rapace] and Dr. Charlie Holloway [Logan Marshall-Green] are archeologizing the shit out of some massive cave complex, and have made a discovery that leaves them super chuffed—a painting of an elongated humanoid figure gesturing at an arrangement of spheres in the sky. It’s a pretty reasonable guess that this is some kind of star map. Apparently they’ve made similar discoveries before, and Shaw is convinced that the original artisans “want us to come and find them.”

Dr. Shaw has clearly never seen any space horror movies before, because it always turns out to be that they want you to come and be HORRIBLY DEVOURED WHILE SCREAMING. 7 minutes into the movie and already bad decisions are being made!

Huge Mistake #1: Aliens are never friendly.

*****

Some time later, we’re on a massive and super awesome looking space ship, the Prometheus. It’s now 2093, and the ship—along with 17 crew members—is on its way to follow the star map. Everyone’s asleep for the journey in cryogenic tubes; everyone except for David [Michael Fassbender in what is surely the slightly creepy robot role he was always meant to play], an extremely advanced android who I personally find absolutely fucking delightful.

David’s sort of creeping around the ship in an androidy way, entertaining himself by randomly peeking into the sleeping crew members’ dreams. He particularly seems to like Shaw’s dreams of being abroad with her late father, a medical doctor, maybe also somewhat of a missionary. From their expositional conversation, we find out that her mother died when Shaw was very young, and that both she and her dad have got a pretty strong Christian faith thing happening. They discuss the nature of heaven, and whether or not Shaw’s mom is there. Shaw’s dad assures her that her mom certainly is, and that it’s a lovely place. With the stubborn determination of an under-10 kid, Shaw wants to know how he can know this. Shaw’s dad tells her he doesn’t know for sure, but it’s what he chooses to believe.

i'm creepin on your sleepin

David files all this away in his creepy robot mind while strolling all over the ship and bouncing his basketball to the strains of a Chopin piano prelude. In between riding a bicycle and shooting three pointers on the basketball court and learning Old Saxon, David watches Lawrence of Arabia repeatedly and dyes his hair to emulate his hero, T. E. Lawrence. He also repeatedly sends a transmission of some sort, involving music clips and mathematical equations and classic works of art and whatnot, but there’s no response.

here is a predictable ET PHONE HOME comment

Eventually, there’s some kind of shipwide disturbance, and a recorded voice announces that they’ve reached their destination threshold. David turns off the alarms and opens the windscreen shields to look out on the planetary system they’ve entered. It’s definitely time for him to go awaken the others.

David arrives at a crew member’s quarters, but the cryotube is already open, and wet footprints lead away from it and head down the hall. First thing in the morning and Meredith Vickers [Charlize Theron] is doing push-ups in the dark with a look of savagely grim determination on her face. I like her already.

David seems mostly bemused by her exertions but gamely fetches a bathrobe at her command. He also gives her a status update—she and the rest of the crew have been asleep for 2 years, 4 months, 18 days, 36 hours, and 15 minutes. (Wait, so how long is each day if 36 hours isn’t 1.5 of them? Hm.) Since none of the other crew members have died in transit, David is sent to go wake the rest of them up.

*****

Shaw is puking very enthusiastically into a small bucket, while David pets her in what I imagine he thinks is a terribly soothing fashion. Across the room, Holloway is drinking some nasty greenish beverage and looking awfully giddy—all their years of searching and they’re finally here.

*****

A bit later, everyone is over in the canteen, eating their first real meals in over 2 years. Space food looks pretty depressing, tbh. We also meet some of the other crew members, including Captain Janek [Idris Elba, my imaginary boyfriend], Milburn [Rafe Spall] the nebbishy biologist, Fifield [Sean Harris] the cranky geologist, and Ford [Katie Dickie, aka the Crazy Boob Lady from Game of Thrones] the ship’s medic.

*****

Once everyone’s eaten, they assemble down (over? up? idek, it’s space) in the ship’s gymnasium for a speech from Vickers. Pilots Chance [Emun Elliot] and Ravel [Benedict Wong] make a 100 credit bet on the topic—Chance is sure it’s a terraforming survey, but Ravel’s not convinced. Actually, it turns out to be a holographic recording of the mission’s sole funder, the reclusive trillionaire Peter Weyland [Guy Pearce in creepy old man makeup] back in 2091. Weyland strolls in with his holographic dog and informs them that he’s probably dead by now, ideally resting in peace. Whatever, dude, what happened to the dog? THIS IS IMPORTANT INFORMATION.

Weyland also explains that there is one member of their crew who is the closest thing to a son that he’s ever had, even though it’s not a human. It’s David, of course. Vickers looks vaguely disgusted at this statement; robot bigotry is not very attractive, Ms. Vickers. Shame on you.

So Weyland is completely obsessed with finding out where we’ve all come from, and where we go when we die, and blah blah whatever old man, get to the point! David looks a little put out when Weyland says that he can’t really understand these feelings because he doesn’t have a soul. As am I, David. Why is everyone being mean to the creepy robot? Hmph.

Finally, Weyland asks Holloway and Shaw to stand, telling the rest of the team that as far as he’s concerned, the two of them are in charge of the mission. Vickers barely restrains herself from rolling her eyes right out of her perfect head. Weyland calls Holloway and Shaw forward to explain their discovery and the rest of the mission.

Holloway sets up what is literally some kind of super nerdy Rubik’s cube full of super nerdy info—a Weyland Modular Computing Device, says the internets. It projects the findings of their various archaeological digs around the world—Egyptian, Mayan, Sumerian, Babylonian, Hawaiian, Mesopotamian. Their recent discovery, on the Isle of Skye, was about 35,000 years old. None of the civilizations had any kind of contact with one another, and yet they all had the same star map paintings.

The only planetery configuration that matches the maps is something so far away from Earth that there is just no goddamn way any of these Stone Age people would have been able to discover it on their own. The system has a yellow star sun very much like Earth’s, and there is one moon of the largest planet that is capable of sustaining life… and that moon is where their ship arrived this very day. In conclusion, ALIENS HAPPENED.

The assembled crew members look at Holloway and Shaw like puppies who have just pooped on the rug. Fifield looks like he wants to mash their noses in it, sarcastically asking them if they’ve really followed a map they found in a cave halfway across the universe. Holloway says “yes” while Shaw says “no”; with all eyes on Shaw, she elaborates that it wasn’t a map but an “invitation.” Oy vey, this mishegoss again. An invitation to BE LUNCH, maybe.

Shaw further elaborates that the inviters are what they’ve taken to calling the Engineers, as Shaw believes they engineered the human race. Milburn, the biologist, finds this absolutely hilarious, because Darwin. Come on, space biologist, you can do better than that! No, apparently he can’t, because he’s too busy giggling. Shaw says she doesn’t know for sure, it’s just what she “chooses to believe.” David gives the tiniest of twitches as he hears this familiar phrase.

*****

After the assembly, David catches up to Holloway and Shaw on their way back to their quarters—Vickers wants to talk to them for a bit first.

Vickers’ quarters are worthy of Stark Tower—full kitchen and bar, massively sprawling lounge with large squashy leather couches and holographic windows showing a snowy mountain scene, and a totally unnecessary grand piano. David explains that it’s a fully self-contained environment that can be detached from the ship and survive on its own, should this become necessary. (Obviously this will become incredibly necessary.)

Vickers joins them and sets David to mixing cocktails, but Shaw’s totally distracted by something she sees off in a side room—it’s some kind of incredibly advanced self-contained medical pod—actually, I think it’s called a MedPod—of which only 12 were ever made. She can’t help but fiddle with it a bit before Vickers calls her away from the billion dollar machine. Shaw wants to know why Vickers would need a machine capable of performing bypass surgery, and Vickers just smiles at her and very gently puts her in her place—no matter what the goddamn hologram said, Vickers is in charge of both the ship and the mission, so cool it with the demandy questions, okay?

Furthermore, Vickers thinks the so-called Engineers and their star maps are just the mindless scribbling of ancient savages stuck in filthy caves, and, if by some unimaginable stroke of luck, they actually DO exist, Holloway and Shaw are not to interact with them in any goddamn way; they are to report directly to her or so help her she will turn this ship right around and send everyone to bed without their space pudding. SO THERE.

Shaw looks terribly wounded at the potential loss of her pudding, but Holloway forges bravely on ahead, asking Vickers if there’s some sort of agenda that they haven’t been told about. OF COURSE THERE’S A FUCKING AGENDA ARGH YOU SCIENTISTS I SWEAR TO GOD. They’ve spent how many trillions of dollars hauling a huge ship and a score of crew across the goddamn galaxy and you think they did it FOR SCIENCE? brb gnashing teeth & rending garments.

Vickers reminds them that her company is the one that raised the money for this havey-cavey scheme in the first goddamn place, so they pretty much get to say what’s what. As David hands the cocktails around, Shaw sputters a bit angrily and asks why they’re even on the ship in the first place if they won’t be allowed to make contact. It’s because Weyland is a superstitious old weirdo, and he wanted “a true believer” on board—that’s clearly Shaw and Holloway, then.

*****

Back down on the bridge, David has once again transmitted the message and received no response. Holloway assumes this means that the Engineers didn’t understand it, but David’s spent the last 2 years studying the roots of dozens of ancient languages, and he’s pretty sure his message is super awesome, thanks. Maybe it’s Holloway’s thesis that’s the problem. OH SNAP.

*****

Janek instructs the crew to strap in for their entry into the planet’s atmosphere, and Shaw is practically bouncing up and down like an excited puppy. The atmosphere is not entirely like Earth’s—71% nitrogen, 21% oxygen, traces of argon gas—but there’s over 3% carbon dioxide, meaning that they’ll be needing their own air supplied suits. This never ends well, does it.

The ship barrels into the planet’s atmosphere, and none of the scanners are showing anything even remotely like civilizations or life forms or heat sources. Eventually, Holloway catches sight of some structures laid out in a straight line, which is a sure sign of a man- (or alien-) made construction. The Prometheus lands near the first structure in the line, a rounded pyramid-type thing.

Holloway wants to explore the site immediately, even though there’s only 6 hours or so of daylight left. The exploration team goes to suit up, and Holloway insists that David join them.

*****

As they’re getting ready, Shaw notices Fifield carrying a huge massive goddamn flamethrower gun, and tells him to put it away, because they’re on a Science Mission. Sigh.

Huge Mistake #2: Always bring the huge guns.

Holloway, meanwhile, is taking another one of his little jabs at David, asking him why he’s putting on a suit, since after all, he’s only a robot and doesn’t need to breathe. CAN EVERYONE PLEASE STOP BEING MEAN TO THE CREEPY ROBOT ALREADY. David just smiles at Holloway and explains that he was designed as a humanoid robot because humans are more comfortable interacting with their own kind, and if he didn’t wear the suit, it would defeat the purpose.

We all know the real reason, of course—David just wants to show off his perky roboass in those tight spacepants.

*****

The exploration team leaves the ship in a combination of vehicles: an 8-wheeled tanklike transport and two little spaceman two-seater ATVs. On the way, Fifield scans the structure to see what it’s made of—he can’t tell if it’s manmade or not, but it’s definitely hollow. AND DARK AND FULL OF TERRORS.

From the landing site, the pyramid didn’t look all that massive, even in IMAX 3D. But as the team approaches it, it’s clearly a fucking massive giant enormous thingy. There’s also a huge creepy humanoid face carved into the top.

The team enters the bottom of the structure, which looks totally uninviting and creepy and dangerous and why why would they do this why. But no, they’re all super excited to be exploring a new world. It’s just as massive and dark and creepy inside.

Fifield gets out some scanner sphere doodads and throws them up into the air (Weyland Industries Spectragraphs, apparently). They light up and zoom off down the corridors, laser mapping the entire structure as they go. NEATO. The data is sent back to the Prometheus, and it shows a couple of circular tunnels going around the entire structure. The team heads down the right hand corridor.

The team reaches a central-ish section, with an open chimney above them and a deep well-like tunnel heading below. Their helmet’s scanner system shows that something inside the structure is generating an earthlike atmosphere, and Holloway the Idiot decides to take off his helmet and breathe the air.

Huge Mistake #3: Never take off your fucking helmet.

Holloway will not be stopped from making his huge mistake, and whips his helmet off triumphantly and takes a large dramatic breath. I can’t believe he didn’t even do a pretend choking fakeout, this is outrageous and I am outraged.

*****

Back up on the ship, Chance is poking at Ravel and demanding his 100 credits—breathable air surely means some kind of terraforming was going on, right? Ravel is determined to stick to the very letter of the bet and he’s not ready to hand over his credits just yet.

*****

Everyone on the team has foolishly decided to join Holloway in helmetlessness, and they’re practically prancing down the hallways in their excitement. David lingers somewhat behind them to poke at something on the wall—in the crevices of some alien writing, there’s a horribly familiar sticky greenish goo. David then touches parts of the writing in sequence, as though entering his ATM code, and it sets off Something Scary, of course.

It’s a holographic recording that scares the bejeezus out of the exploration team. A bunch of huge humanoid figures run down the hall in abject terror, looking back over their shoulders in fear. The team follows the recorded runners around a corner towards a massive door, where the last runner collapses and is killed.

In the exact position of the collapsed hologram, they find the dead body of the alien runner…. minus the head, which has been severed by the closed door in front of them.

Vickers, watching the video feed from the ship’s bridge, simply cannot fucking believe that Shaw and Holloway were right all along. That makes two of us, lady.

The door is covered with more of the alien writing, and David steps back to try and translate it for the rest of the team. Fifield, however, is no longer interested in mucking about in this hellhole. He’s a geologist, okay? He loves rocks. No one else seems to care about rocks, though. They’re all really into gigantic dead bodies right now, and he doesn’t have much to contribute when it comes to HORRIBLE GIANT DEAD BODIES, OKAY? Instead, Fifield is going to haul ass back to the ship and maybe have some pop-tarts. Milburn decides to join him, because he is apparently the world’s worst biologist and is totally uninterested in a previously unknown species of humanoid aliens. Okie dokie then.

The two crybabies set off back the way they came, and the rest of the group (Holloway, Shaw, Ford, and David) set about examining the giant dead alien body. David leaves the scientists to their work and climbs up a ladder to poke at the writing on the wall. Shaw sees him up the ladder and asks what he’s doing, which is surely a silly question—he’s trying to open the door. Shaw protests immediately, as they have no idea what’s on the other side, but it’s too late: the door slides open and David attempts an innocent smile.

Huge Mistake #4: Never open the huge terrifying alien door when you don’t know what’s on the other side.

The door opens to reveal a huge room full of vaselike things set into the floor, about three feet high or so. There’s also a huge serene humanoid face sculpture in the center of the room. The ceiling has a mural painted across it with various alien figures.

David leans over to touch one of the vaselike things and Shaw barely stops him in time. David, you troublemaker. For a slightly evil creepy robot you are not very stealthy. Maybe you need a software update.

Holloway heads to the back of the chamber and finds a very familiar Alien Queen image on the back wall, above a large green gem set in the stone. He looks vaguely disappointed by this find.

Meanwhile, the vaselike things have begun oozing an also very familiar twitchy, nasty, oily fluid, and this time, there’s no one paying enough attention to tell David not to touch it. He touches it. A lot.

Shaw notices that the murals on the ceiling are changing, almost melting away—it must be the change of atmosphere from when they opened the door. Shaw decides they need to close the door, for science!

*****

Back on the ship, Chance is monitoring the local weather conditions, and warns Janek that a huge storm is approaching, with high winds carrying sharp bits of silica that will badly damage the team’s suits. Janek contacts the team to get them to haul ass back to the ship, but the pesky scientists want to stay longer and do more science! Vickers calmly informs them that the ship’s doors will be closing in 15 minutes, and she certainly hopes they make it in time.

Shaw is smart enough to know that Vickers doesn’t fuck around, and shouts for the rest of the team to follow her back to the ship. She and Ford stop to grab the severed alien head, stuff it into a bag, and bring it back to the ship for further sciency examinings. David takes further advantage of everyone’s distraction to snatch up one of the vaselike thingys and slip it into his manpurse. David, you tricksy robot.

The remaining vaselike things are now oozing the horrible twitchy nasty oily fluid in earnest, and it’s puddling all over the floor of the chamber.

*****

The team runs like hell back out to the vehicles, zooming back toward the ship as the storm gathers behind the pyramid. Shaw, seated backwards in one of the ATVs, has a super unpleasant view of the approaching cloud of sandy doom.

They reach the ship moments before the storm hits, but as the ATV bounces over a bump, the bag containing the severed alien head rolls away off to the side. Shaw, of course, immediately runs after it. Just as she grabs onto the bag’s handle, she’s hit with the full force of the storm winds and a faceful of silica shards. It knocks her clear to the side of the open ship bay, and smashes her head against one of the ship’s supports. OHNOES.

Holloway zooms after her in the ATV, aflail with terror, and tries to drag her back toward the door. The winds are much too strong for them to fight, and Janek watches on the monitors with mounting despair and irritation. Holloway’s ATV is tossed away into the storm, and they have no way of getting back to the open bay, until David opens a nearby hatch. After securely latching himself onto a steel line, David launches himself out to clip onto them, and reels them in like huge terrified fishies. Yay evil robot!

Once inside, Holloway angrily berates Shaw for endangering both herself and the mission, but Shaw kind of huffily ignores him and doesn’t even try to defend her actions. David is the only one who bothers asking her if she’s okay. Aww, evil robot.

There’s just one problem: Janek wants to know why they came back without Milburn and Fifield. AHA. Yeah, why were all the vehicles still there when the rest of the team left? Obviously because Milburn and Fifield are lost somewhere inside the pyramid, that’s why. Oopsie.

*****

Janek contacts them over the suit comms and lets them know to sit tight until the storm’s over, and the crew will come fetch them in the morning. Oh, and what with all the wind and the storm and the static and other Handwavey Plot Reasons, they won’t be able to have much clear communication with the ship until the storm’s over. But hey, that’s totally okay, right? I mean, surely nothing totally fucking horrible will happen in the interim, right? SURELY.

Milburn and Fifield set off through the tunnels looking for a good spot to hunker down and maybe take a nice nap, bickering all the while over whose stupid fault it is that got them lost in the first place.

*****

Shaw and Ford are in the med bay, preparing to dissect and examine the severed giant alien head. David stands by, ready to assist and document their findings. Helpful evil robot! Vickers strolls in to ask some snarky questions about the Engineers—are they all dead or what? Shaw’s feeling pretty good about her giant severed head and snarks right back at Vickers, reminding her that they just got there, and why would Vickers care in the first place. Vickers might not care, but Weyland certainly would, so Vickers will care on his behalf. Meanwhile, a slightly drunken Holloway wanders in still clutching a bottle of celebratory champagne.

Ford realizes that what they initially thought was an exoskeleton is instead some kind of helmet. She and Shaw are unable to detach it, and David steps in to lend a hand. He releases the helmet’s locking mechanism and carefully lifts it off, revealing a head almost identical to the Humanoid Alien Duder’s. Everyone is totally stunned.

Vickers notices some kind of weird growth on the very top of the head, and demands to know what the hell it is. Ford postulates that it’s some kind of new cell in a state of change. Vickers, as always, has the immediately relevant question—”Changing into WHAT?” I’m sure we’ll find out soon enough.

Shaw gets the crazydiculous idea to run an electrical current through the head in order to stimulate the nervous system and trick it into thinking it’s still alive. OKAY SURE. Yeah, this will be awesome. What could possibly go wrong?

Sigh.

Ford sticks some kind of space taser probe into the giant severed head’s neck and starts off with a low current: nothing happens. They decide to zap it a little bit more, just for funsies. The weird cells on the top of the head start… reacting. So they zap it just a liiiittle bit more.

The entire hideous severed alien head starts twitching urgently, eyes all fluttering, mouth agape, face all ahoo—it’s pretty grotendous, tbh. They immediately stop zapping it but there’s no stopping the twitch once it’s started. Shaw, Ford, and Vickers commence freaking out like whoa, and David quickly hits the buttons to seal the head back up in the containment cube. The head, meanwhile, is getting grosser by the second, and making utterly impossible gabbly noises (how can it make a sound without air passing over its vocal cords, eh? EH?) and generating one hell of a stink.

The walls of the containment cube finally seal up around the hideous gabbly head, and it’s just in time—the head explodes repulsively all over the inside of the cube. Holloway stalks off in disgust, and Shaw looks like she wants to go after him for a minute. Instead, she tells Ford to take a sample of the explodey mess.

*****

David is standing by another cryotube and wearing his magical glowing cryohelmet thingy what lets him cryospy on people’s cryodreams. It looks like he’s having a cryoconversation with someone, so I assume he’s talking to whoever is in the occupied cryotube. But why didn’t they wake up with the rest of the crew? OHOHO how cryomysterious.

Further proof that David is a slightly evil robot, as though that’s even necessary anymore—the magical glowing cryohelmet doesn’t even give him hat head. SORCERY!

As David hurries out of the cryotube room, Vickers is waiting for him by the airlock. David doesn’t look the least bit surprised to see her there. Vickers wants to know what “he” said to David, but David doesn’t think “he” wants David to tell her. WHO IS THE MYSTERIOUS MAN IN THE CRYOTUBE. I mean, I personally think it’s pretty obvious but whatevs, this is not a judging place.

Vickers asks again, and it is at precisely this moment that I begin suspecting that she is also a slightly evil robot, omg. David insists that the information is confidential, and Vickers throws him up against the wall, but in a threatening way and not a sexy sex way. She threatens to find the wire that controls him and cut it, and David finally reveals that “he” said TRY HARDER.

Vickers finds this message as vexatious as you’d imagine, and sort of smooshes David’s face a bit with her hand before storming off. I immediately did the same thing to my friend seated next to me. He was not amused.

*****

David is creeping around the kitchen, and opens one of the many well-stocked fridges. OIC, that’s where you’re keeping the evil alien vase full of horrible nasty oily goo? David 8 shame on you. You know better than that. Surely something in your programming has touched on the rules of food safety. He carefully opens the horrible goo vase, which is thankfully no longer oozing, presumably due to having been refrigerated.

*****

Back over in the lab, Ford and Shaw are examining the giant smelly severed alien head’s tissue sample under a microscope. They’ve extracted a DNA sample and are comparing it to human DNA. It’s a perfect match.

*****

David pulls some sticky glass ampoules of hideous alien goo out of the vase and cracks one away from the group. When he turns it upside down, we see the same sort of fuzzy hairy creepy twitchy alien goo that the Humanoid Alien Duder was drinking just before he exploded. Feh.

bad robot

*****

Ford and Shaw are staring at their test results in utterly fucking astounded disbelief. Shaw can’t figure out what could have killed them all off, assuming that this was their home planet.

*****

David snaps open the top of the ampoule and starts playing with the hideous alien goo within. David, come the fuck ON that is so nasty STOP IT PLEASE. He holds one oily nasty green drop of it on his fingertip and smiles at it gently, saying “big things have small beginnings,” yet another quote from his beloved Lawrence of Arabia. As the camera zooms in on the hideous green drop, we see the Weyland Industries logo incorporated into the whorls of his fingerprint. I am such a fucking sucker for creepy attention to detail, oh my god.

*****

David wanders through the ship with a bottle of champagne until he finds Holloway sulking drunkenly in the lounge. He offers Holloway the bottle with a smile, wondering if he’s run out of his own bottle yet. As he picks up a glass from the sideboard, you can see him still holding out his index finger OH DAVID NO. NOT THE GOO FINGER NO.

Holloway sarcastically tells him to pour himself a glass as well, but David just smiles and says it would be wasted on him. Holloway sneers back at him that he “almost forgot you’re not a Real Boy”.

SERIOUSLY I KNOW HE IS HERE TO KILL YOU BUT YOU DON’T KNOW THIS YET SO STOP BEING MEAN TO THE EVIL ROBOT OKAY.

oh god so many evil robot feelings why

David certainly knows how to push buttons, though, doesn’t he. He gives Holloway a sympathetic smile and says that he’s sorry all the Engineers are gone. Holloway’s all bitter, and assumes that David thinks they wasted their time even coming here in the first place. But no, David won’t make that kind of assessment without first knowing what they hoped to achieve in the first place. Holloway thinks this should be obvious to David—they came here because they wanted to meet their makers.

I imagine David finds this quietly hilarious.

David asks Holloway why he thinks humans made him, and Holloway gives the predictable response—”because we could”—and when David points out how disappointing it would be for them to hear the same thing from their creators, Holloway just laughs and tells David that it’s a good thing he can’t feel disappointment.

Dude, you are totally making me root for the evil robot. Congrats.

David then very seriously asks Holloway how far he would go to get the answers he came here for; what would he be willing to do? Holloway seals his fate by insisting he would do “anything and everything.” So David pours him a drink, and very carefully sticks his alien goo finger in the glass before handing it to Holloway. Holloway gives David a mocking toast and drains the glass.

*****

Back outside in the pyramid, Milburn and Fifield have found a huge heap of dead alien bodies, piled up 6 feet in front of another enormous door. One of the bodies bears the familiar markings of having erupted with a chestburster, and Milburn comments nervously that it looks like “it’s opened up from the inside… like it exploded.” Oh you poor man, you have no idea.

*****

Up on the bridge, the Spectragraphs are still sending back their scanned data to the central computer. A small repeated ping alerts Janek that something is up, and he gets out from under his space snuggie and puts down his tiny homemade concertina. (SPACEMAN IDRIS ELBA LET ME LOVE YOU.)

Janek examines the 3-D data readout and contacts Milburn and Fifield over their suit comms, scaring the everloving crap out of them as they huddle together nervously over the heap of dead aliens. He asks them for their current location, and tells them that the Spectragraph has found something about 1km west of their position…. something alive. Whatever it is, it’s not moving, but that’s not really reassuring to Milburn and Fifield, what with the huge heap of dead mangled aliens in front of them.

Janek says that the ping has been coming in on and off since the storm started, and thinks it’s probably just a hardware malfunction. They’re even more horrified when he tells them that the ping has suddenly disappeared, and decide to immediately move in the opposite direction. (And by “move” I mean “flee like scampery terrified bunnies.”)

*****

Shaw is sitting in her quarters, recording a voice memo while she watches the holographic recorded fleeing aliens for what is surely the dozenth time. Holloway interrupts her with a rose that he’d had frozen with the champagne to celebrate when they made their findings. He admits that he’s disappointed in not getting to talk to the Engineers, even though it’s definitely a satisfying discovery to have made in the first place. Shaw sits on his lap and kisses his alien goo mouth NO STOP IT SHAW STOP and is generally very satisfied with what they’ve achieved, even if Holloway is determined to be a surly party pooper. She shows him the DNA comparison data on her HoloTab, and he finally seems as impressed as she is.

He can’t resist snarking at her to take off her dad’s cross now that they know who actually created the human race. Shaw snarks right back that they still don’t know who created these creators, and he counters by saying lazily that this just proves that there’s nothing special about the creation of life—obviously anyone can do it, right?

Oops, maybe not, and this is a sore subject for Shaw, who is apparently infertile. They’ve been trying to start a family and have failed, and she feels guilty and hurt by his thoughtless comment. Holloway immediately feels like an asshole and apologizes, but Shaw’s already pretty wibbly. He decides to distract her with some awesome sexytimes.

I THINK WE ALL KNOW WHERE THIS IS LEADING.

Huge Mistake #5: Always wrap it up in space.

*****

Vickers walks silently onto the bridge (like an evil robot, seriously, I must know!) and examines the 3-D projected map of the pyramid. She leans in to poke at it inquisitively and Janek startles her with a squawk from his tiny concertina. She covers her surprise by asking him how much longer the mapping is going to take, and he just kind of smolders sexily at her in response. With his tiny concertina. I CAN’T.

In the face of her blank disinterest, Janek just smiles and tells her that if she wants to get laid, she can just say so, instead of pretending to be interested in the map. Vickers laughs at him and wonders why she would fly half a billion miles away from all the men on earth if she wanted to get laid.

Vickers. Just admit it. You want to bone him. EVERYONE WANTS TO BONE HIM. HE IS SPACEMAN IDRIS ELBA.

Before she can stalk out, twitching helplessly with massively unimaginable levels of sexual frustration, Janek calls her back with a Very Important Question —”I’ve been wondering…. are you a robot?”

HER FACE. IT IS GLORIOUS TO BEHOLD. I think it is the first genuine emotion she has expressed so far, aside from her icy rage at David.

Vickers’ only response? “My room. 10 minutes.”

I love them both forever, basically.

*****

Back inside the pyramid, Milburn and Fifield have found the goo-vase chamber and have inexplicably decided that this is the very best possible place for them to spend the evening. Seriously, every single movie in this entire franchise could just be called “People Making Bad Decisions In Space.”

Milburn is huddled under a space blankie and settling in for the night, but Fifield is too nervous and decides to explore a little bit. In the ever-increasing puddles of horrible alien goo, he spies something moving, and quite rightly freaks the hell out. A hideous baby alien snake thingy raises up out of the goo right in front of them, and Milburn chooses this moment to put on his Serious Biologist Pants and make contact with the thing.

Milburn, you goddamn idiot.

He takes a brief moment to try and contact the bridge of the Prometheus to let them know he’s about to make totally unwise contact with a horrible alien snakebeast, but the bridge is, of course, empty.

A second horrible alien snakebeast rises up out of the goo, and Fifield has the good sense to back away in fear. Milburn the Unwise, Last of His Name, decides that the horrible alien snakebeast is adorable and wants to be his friend.

Milburn, I cannot fucking even. You should win all the awards for Space Stupidity.

Huge Mistake #6: DO NOT TOUCH THE HORRIBLE ALIEN SNAKEBEAST OH MY GOD WHY DO YOU DO THIS.

Horrible Alien Snakebeast flares open like a horrible alien cobrabeast, and Milburn is as delighted as a proud papa watching his baby take its first steps. Fifield is revolted and very obviously missing his giant spacegun.

never touch the horrible alien snakebeasts

Naturally, the Horrible Alien Snakebeast chooses this moment to attack. It wraps itself around Milburn’s arm and Milburn very suddenly realizes the vast imponderable depths of his epic fucking miscalculations. He screams to Fifield to get it the hell off his arm, and as they struggle, Horrible Alien Snakebeast breaks Milburn’s arm with a wet and revolting snap. The bone shard pierces Milburn’s space suit.

Fifield gets his knife out and starts hacking away at the Horrible Alien Snakebeast, trying to cut it off Milburn’s mangled arm. Of course, this is also a grave error, as the Horrible Alien Snakebeast’s acid blood sprays Fifield’s glass face mask, dissolving it messily and partially adhering to his face. As Fifield struggles with his helmet, the Horrible Alien Snakebeast regenerates its severed head and squirms into Milburn’s suit.

DID NOT WANT.

Fifield collapses screaming, and ends up facedown in the puddle of icky goo, which reacts rather unpleasantly with the acid already on his faceplate. As Milburn screams, the Horrible Alien Snakebeast in his suit darts into his mouth and slithers down his throat quite nastily.

*****

The next morning, Holloway wakes up and is feeling somewhat less than fabulous. He’s kind of twitchy and sweaty, and his eyes are super bloodshot. Holloway stops at the sink to splash some water on his face, and notices something strange happening in his eyes—his tears are turning into sentient wiggly alien goo.

Instead of telling anyone else on the crew that he’s obviously been infected with something HORRIBLE AND ALIEN AND GOOEY, Holloway decides to keep this information to himself. Sigh.

Janek’s voice comes over the comms to wake Shaw up—he can’t get in touch with Fifield and Milburn over their suit comms, so he’s taking a team to see what’s up. Shaw tells him to wait for her to join them.

*****

The team leaves Ravel behind to monitor the situation from the bridge, and everyone else climbs into the transport. Janek asks Ravel to try and fix the glitch in the Spectragraph, and David offers to find the actual probe and fix it himself while the rest of the team hunts for the missing scientists. Thoughtful evil robot! Janek agrees, and David zooms off in his ATV.

They arrive back at the pyramid, and there’s no sign of the missing men. The team makes their way back to the oozing vase room while David goes off on his own adventure. Vickers, standing alone on the bridge, instructs him to uplink the feed from his comms to her quarters, so she can monitor his progress.

David finds the missing probe—it’s stuck outside another massive door. He opens the door and lets the probe pass through into the huge chamber beyond; it’s full of more of the alien goo vases. At the back of the chamber is yet another massive door. When he and the probe pass through this door, though, David immediately shuts down the feed from his comms. Vickers is not pleased.

Inside this room is a circle of alien cryotubes and a huge chair at the head of a programming station. DUN DUN DUUUUUN.

*****

The rescue team has entered the vase chamber, and Holloway, bringing up the rear, stumbles badly over a bit of fallen rocks. Shaw helps him up and gets a good look at his face—he looks like 10 pounds of shit in a 5 pound bag. Holloway insists he’s fine, and brushes her off.

Janek asks Shaw if the vases were oozing nasty green goo the last time they were down here, and Shaw confirms that they were not nearly as grotendous before. Off to the side, Chance finds Milburn facedown in the muck and runs to turn him over onto his back.

Holloway calls Shaw over and asks her to look at him, really look at him—he’s pretty sure he’s been infected by something nasty. Shaw gets a good look at his clammy face and bloodshot eyes and weird grey veiny skin, and looks scared out of her mind.

Chance and Janek roll Milburn over and see what a fucking mess his dead body is, but their worry is interrupted by Shaw’s total panic at Holloway’s illness. In the distraction, Ford sees something stuck in Milburn’s severed esophagus. When she moves to poke at it (NEVER POKE AT HORRIBLE THINGS LODGED IN THE MANGLED ESOPHAGUS OF A DEAD DUDE FACEDOWN IN ALIEN GOO JESUS WEPT PEOPLE) the Horrible Alien Snakebeast launches itself out of Milburn’s throat and flies into Ford’s face. She manages to duck, and it swims off into the goo.

The team hauls ass out of the oozing vase chamber to flee back to the ship. Holloway can barely walk at this point, and Janek is hauling him across the rocks. Shaw contacts the bridge of the Prometheus to order a medical team at standby for their return. Since Vickers is on the bridge, she is the first to receive this message, and is smart enough to realize that it’s not a medical team they’ll need—it’s a decontamination team.

*****

David is exploring the cryotube chamber and pressing all the weird squishy buttons he can get his eager little robofingers on. He activates another holographic recording that shows a bunch of Humanoid Alien Duders getting into their cryotubes while another HAD sits in the captain’s chair, programming the entire thing.

A huge 3D projection of a star map lights up, filling the entire chamber. The map first shows their current position, and as it moves, it seems to highlight and then stop on one very familiar looking planet – Earth.

Yes, this will surely end well.

All spacesnark aside, this scene is really beautiful to watch, and if you aren’t seeing this movie in really for reals trufax actual IMAX 3D then you are wasting your life. Just saying.

The star map shuts itself off, with the image of Earth remaining a moment longer, sort of ominously. David walks carefully over to the single cryotube that is still slightly lit, and leans over it to press his ear against the surface. An odd alien heart beats within.

*****

The rescue team speeds back toward the Prometheus in the transport, and man, does Holloway look like crap. He’s screaming in pain as horrible black lesions start forming all over his face. Janek is bellowing to Vickers over the comms, enraged that the doors aren’t opened yet. A nameless mechanic hurries to open the door for him, but Vickers shouts him down—she won’t open the door until she is good and ready and armed with a massive fucking flamethrower.

Vickers is not about to let Holloway and his alien cooties on her goddamn ship, no matter how much Janek threatens and shouts, no matter how much Shaw screams and begs and pleads. And honestly, she’s totally 100% correct. There is no more room for sentiment in an alien cootie situation than there is in the zombie apocalypse.

Vickers, obviously, is totally welcome on my zombie apocalypse team.

Holloway collapses to his knees, screaming in pain, and roughly throws off all helping hands trying to drag him to his feet. Vickers looks like she might waver for a minute, and shouts for everyone else to get on the ship already. Holloway limps away from the rest of the group and confronts Vickers with his horrible infected alien visage, and basically just begs her to kill him. Vickers lights him up.

*****

Shaw awakens in the med bay, where David is tending to her minor wounds. David tells her that he needs to run her through the diagnostics system and check for any contagion. Shaw insists that everyone else be tested as well, because surely they were all exposed to the same alien cooties. David sweetly promises to take care of it.

David then carefully asks Shaw if she and Holloway have had any intimate contact recently. Before Shaw can answer, David has the answer for himself on the scanner—Shaw’s pregnant, and it looks like it’s at least three months in.

Shaw knows this is impossible, and demands to see the scan for herself. David holds her back from seeing the screen, telling her she won’t want to see it, as it’s “not exactly a traditional fetus,” but Shaw insists that she wants it out of her immediately. David says they don’t have the personnel to perform that kind of surgery (LIES!) and tries to convince her to get back into cryostasis and return to Earth where she can have it removed, presumably by the finest bioweapons team Weyland Industries has on staff.

Before she can argue further, Shaw doubles over in pain, and David injects her with a sedative. He lifts her back onto the medbay table and promises that someone will be along shortly to carry her back to the cryotubes.

As she passes out, David tells her he’s sorry that Holloway died under such similar circumstances to her father, who apparently died of Ebola. Shaw can’t figure out how the hell David knows this, and just as she passes out, David tells her that he’d been watching her dreams like a creeper.

*****

Ford and Chance try to wake Shaw up to bring her to her cryotube, but she looks like she’s out like a light. As soon as they’re convinced she’s out cold, though, Shaw leaps up off the table and knocks them around a bit before fleeing like the dickens. Shaw runs through the ship until she reaches Vickers’ chambers, and most importantly, the MedPod inside.

When Shaw finally gets to the machine, she initiates the emergency response programming, telling it she needs a Caesarean. The MedPod tells her it can’t do that, because it’s only calibrated for male patients.

Okay, what the fuck. So then why does Vickers have this machine in her exclusive only-for-her-and-no-one-else chambers? Either Vickers is a dude or a robot, or it’s not actually meant for her use. I HAVE SO MANY QUESTIONS.

Shaw bypasses the MedPod’s programming by telling it to perform an abdominal surgery for a penetrating wound that has left a foreign body, because sometimes silly scientists in space are seriously fucking clever under horrible pressure. She’s still doubled over in immense pain but manages to climb into the MedPod and inject herself with some preliminary anaesthetics.

The MedPod starts the surgery and oh god I think I am freaking out even more than Shaw is. The horrible alien thingy is squirming around in her stomach nastily and seriously, this is all I can think of when pregnant people ask if I want to feel their baby kicking. No thanks, dude, I don’t want to feel your wiggly parasite thing, okay?

The MedPod sprays Shaw’s stomach with a local anaesthetic, and a tiny laser slices her belly open and oh god this is way more hideous than I was imagining and I can imagine some pretty hideous things ARGH STOP NO WHY YOU NO STOP. Little roboclamps spread the horrible oh god so horrible incision open and AAAAHHHHHH WHAT ARE THOSE TONGS DOING NO STOP TONGS BAD TONGS.

The tongs lift a bloody hideous vile alien squiddy thing out of her incision, and for a minute it looks just dormantly nasty. Of course, it immediately begins squealing and writhing horribly and then OH GOD STOP IT FOR SERIOUS I BEG YOU Shaw grabs onto the umbilical cord and rips it out of her stomach and seriously just no. NO. DENIED.

The roboarms hold Shaw’s incision together while a tiny gun seals it shut with a neat row of shiny staples. This is literally the least revolting part of the entire scene. STOMACH STAPLES. brb weeping.

The horrible alien baby is struggling mightily, trying to get out of the tight grip of the tongs. Shaw climbs out of the MedPod, literally flailing with horror, and seals the alien baby back up inside. A decontamination sequence begins, and the horrible alien baby stops squirming. WOOOO.

*****

Back up on the bridge, Janek notices something odd—Fifield’s monitor has just popped back up on the screens, and it looks like it’s just outside the ship. Some poor unsuspecting mechanic is sent down to check it out. Fifield, or what’s left of him, is huddled on the ground in a creepy alienlike position outside the ship’s cargo bay door. Poor Unsuspecting Mechanic approaches him without even a screwdriver as a weapon, and as he turns his back (YOU IDIOT) to call over another Poor Unsuspecting Mechanic, Fifield gets to his feet and whoa, he’s not looking so good.

Horrible Alien Fifield gets busy kicking the living shit out of every poor unsuspecting person in the cargo bay. Up on the bridge, Janek and Ravel are watching in shock as faceplates are bashed in and blood is splattered everywhere.

*****

Shaw is staggering through the ship, covered in blood and god knows what else. I can barely get off the couch after I’ve stubbed my pinky toe, and there she is, running down the hallway with a stomach full of staples. FOUR FOR YOU SHAW COCO.

damn girl go take a bath

*****

The cargo bay is now the horrible alien death bay. Horrible Alien Fifield is smashing people all over the place and seems to be enjoying it rather a lot. Janek and Chance suit up to go down and kick some horrible alien ass.

*****

Shaw stumbles through the escape pod bay and looks super confused about where she even is. This is a part of the ship we’ve never seen before.

*****

Janek and Chance arrive at the internal cargo bay doors. Inside, a full on battle is underway, with the rest of the mechanics and mercenaries shooting the shit out of Fifield, with little to no effect. Janek and Chance burst in with their flamethrowers and start throwing flames everywhere. They get the rest of the men into the 8-wheeler and solve their little Fifield problem by running him over repeatedly. Horrible Alien Fifield is now Smeary Fireball Fifield.

*****

Shaw injects herself with some more painkillers, finally. I personally would have made the executive decision to take a goddamn shower, but Shaw decides to explore the ship some more. She staggers through another airlock and collapses in another as yet unseen part of the ship. And oh lookit, there’s Peter Weyland, the mysterious cryotube traveler. I am totally surprised because I never saw that coming. Nope.

Weyland is attended by a few nurses, and of course his roboson David, who is kind of creepily and biblically washing Weyland’s crusty old feet. At least he doesn’t dry them with his hair. Instead, he rushes over to Shaw to give her his lab coat, as she’s half naked and shivering and smeared with filth.

Shaw is obviously uncertain if she’s really seeing this or not, or if it’s all some bizarre fever dream. She wants to know why Weyland lied to them about being dead, and why he accompanied them, and in general what the holy hell is even going on anymore.

Basically, Weyland is convinced that the Engineers can save him from his impending death, and Shaw looks like she thinks he’s maybe a little bit totally fucking crazy. How can they help him if they’re all dead?

David very calmly reveals that one of the Engineers is, in fact, still alive and in a cryotube, and they’re all on their way to see him right now. Shaw boggles.

She freaks out even more when Weyland doesn’t want to hear how they’ve made a terrible mistake in coming here, and how they should all GTFO immediately and cut their losses. Weyland is completely determined to meet the last Engineer, and asks her what Holloway would do if he was still alive. Obviously he would go meet the last Engineer, right?

*****

Shaw cleans herself up a little bit and suits up to accompany Weyland and David. As she’s getting ready, Janek barges in all verklempt from fighting Horrible Alien Fifield. He can’t believe she’s going back out there where all the crazy bad shit is. Janek can tell that this isn’t the home of the Engineers—it’s a military installation far from wherever they really lived, that they used to develop biological weapons, and it likely killed them all. Janek wants to go home already, and is not really happy to hear that one of the Engineers is still alive; he doesn’t give a shit what they have to say.

Janek makes Shaw promise that whatever happens, none of the gross alien ooze can get back on the ship and escape the planet. They agree that both of them will do whatever it takes to prevent that from happening.

*****

David and his assistants are strapping Weyland into a special supportive spacesuit that will allow him to walk on his own. Vickers comes into the room and is mostly unsurprised to see Weyland, although Weyland is a bit surprised to see her. She tells him that she’d much rather have joined the mission than sat at home arguing with the Weyland Industries board members over who was in charge now that he was gone.

Vickers kneels before him and takes his hand, and gives him some bitter little speech about how the king must die and pass on his leadership, and that’s the natural order of things. This seems like the last thing Weyland wants to hear, and he asks her haughtily if there’s anything else she wants to say. Her response is just even more confusing—”No, Father.”

ARE YOU A ROBOT OR NOT MEREDITH VICKERS? TELL MEEEEE.

*****

David sees Shaw ready to join Weyland’s exploration team, and tells her he admires her survival instincts. She just wants to know what’s going to happen when Weyland isn’t around to program David anymore—David annouces with a delighted smile that he’ll be free then. He muses how everyone at heart must want their parents dead, but Shaw heatedly denies this.

*****

Weyland’s team enters the pyramid, and David tells Weyland they can take their helmets off as the air is safe to breathe. Shaw stops them, worried about further contaigion—after all, she still doesn’t know how Holloway was infected; what if the alien cooties are in the air? David says, rather shortly, that it’s not, and he and Weyland proceed onwards to the star map chamber. Shaw stares after David, perhaps begninning to suspect something.

The team passes through the huge vase cargo hold and Shaw transmits her helmet feed of the thousands of goo vases back to Janek on Prometheus’ bridge. Ravel takes this new information and pulls up the schematics of this previously unmapped area. Janek immediately identifies the new area as a separate ship, and not part of the pyramid itself.

David leads the team into the cryotube chamber on the alien ship’s bridge, and initiates the process to awaken both the sleeping Engineer and the ship’s systems. He explains that the ship was planning to leave for earth when all the Engineers died; when Shaw asks why they’d be coming to earth, everyone’s creeping fears are confirmed—David says, with his trademark creepy smile, that “sometimes to create, one must first destroy.”

Shaw ponders this unpleasant bit of information while Weyland demands to see the last living Engineer. David leads Weyland over to the cryotube and, as Weyland kneels beside him, programs the tube to awaken it.

The tube unseals itself and the Engineer breathes deeply for a moment, and then gets up really slowly. He looks around at the assembled team and sort of bats Weyland out of his way impatiently. Weyland brushes off everyone’s attempts to help him up, and orders David to speak to the Engineer and tell him they came just as they were asked. Shaw’s got some far more important questions to clear up, like where did they come from, and what exactly is in the cargo hold, and why they made it to kill everyone on Earth. Yep, those are some pretty good questions.

But no, Weyland only cares about himself and his agenda. How totally shocking, a self-absorbed trillionaire. Whoever could have predicted such a thing?!

Shaw’s agitation increases and Weyland loses his temper, telling one of the accompanying mercenaries to shut her up. The guy whacks her in the stomach with the barrel of his gun, and Jesus wept I can’t even imagine the fucking pain. Shaw huddles on the floor presumably trying not to poop her suit from the agony. She pulls herself together long enough to scream that she needs to know why, what did they do wrong, and why do the Engineers hate them so much?

Instead, David explains to the Engineer in some weird conglomerate language why Weyland came in the first place. At least, that’s what we’re meant to assume, I guess? It’s just as likely that David said “kill the old man and all these people and then let’s you and me go rule the universe like awesome dudes were meant to do!”

Either way, the Engineer has a very definite response for David and Weyland—he rips David’s head off with a guttural roar, and then crushes Weyland’s head. The bully mercenary shoots at the Engineer but it doesn’t look like mere bullets are having much of an effect. The Engineer knocks Ford down a flight of stairs where she appears to break her neck; he then turns on the bully mercenary and flings him across the chamber, breaking his spine.

Shaw runs like all the devils from all the hells are hot on her ass. The Engineer watches her go for a moment and then stomps away.

David’s severed head watches as Weyland takes his last few breaths, telling him to have a good journey. Evil robots, polite til the very end!

*****

Vickers sees all this over the comms, and decides it’s time for them to go home. Janek glances between Ravel and Chance for a moment and then decides that getting the hell out of Dodge is the best thing he’s heard all day.

*****

The Engineer programs the star map to head for Earth, and the immense Giger-y telescopeish captain’s chair rises up from the center of the room. The Engineer seats himself and a massive alien exoskeleton suit seals around it.

Shaw’s run just far enough away to see as the massive alien ship lights up and prepares for launch. I just. You guys. It looks like a half eaten donut. I can’t even.

Shaw gets knocked over by the wash from the ship’s thrusters engaging, and ends up near an exhaust tube. She climbs up out of the tube and starts running back toward the Prometheus. Beneath her feet, the ground is swiveling open around the ship as it gets ready to depart.

She has a few near misses leaping over crevices until it’s too late—Shaw can’t possibly make any more of the jumps without plummeting to her death. Instead, she gets on her comms to warn Janek and the rest of the crew that the ship is taking off, and they can’t let it get away. Vickers tells her they’re going home and that’s that, but Shaw knows there won’t be anything left to go home to if the alien ship leaves with its cargo of deathgoo.

Shaw reminds Janek of his promise to her, and he tells Ravel to warm up the Prometheus’ ion propulsion, which will cause a massive explosion if used in atmosphere. Vickers, naturally, freaks the hell out and commands him to get them OUT OF THERE already, but it’s not going to happen. Janek is going to disengage Vicker’s lifeboat module onto the surface of the planet, where she’ll have 2 years worth of survival supplies and oxygen. Vickers can get in the lifeboat or stay on the ship with the rest of them.

Vickers runs for the lifeboat.

Janek lets Ravel and Chance know that he can take care of the rest of his plan alone, and that they can join Vickers if they want. They’re not sure Janek can fly the ship on his own, though what they really mean is WE LOVE YOU SEXY SPACEMAN IDRIS ELBA AND WE ARE NOT LEAVING YOU.

Vickers suits up faster than she’s ever suited up before and leaps into an escape pod. The Prometheus takes off and heads for the alien ship, which has already launched. And the lifeboat module detaches and smashes into the surface of the alien planet.

On the ground, Shaw and Vickers watch as the Prometheus collides with the alien ship and explodes impressively, destroying itself completely. The alien ship drops slowly out of the sky and they stare at it gormlessly for a moment before realizing HEY IT’S A HUGE FUCKING ALIEN SHIP ABOUT TO LAND RIGHT ON US.

big bada boom

Fleeing happens. So much fleeing. The ship lands of the edge of its donut and rolls toward Shaw and Vickers. Falling flaming chunks of ship debris hamper their escape just long enough to make it super dramatic, and they both lose their footing and fall right in its path. Shaw manages to roll aside at the last moment. Vickers, however, does not.

Then, just to be difficult, the giant derelict donut decides to tip over onto its side. There’s nowhere left for Shaw to run. She falls down and kind of grumpily waits for her awful squishy death.

Instead, the ship hits a nearby rocky protrusion and stops about a foot away from Shaw’s face. Shaw pulls herself together and runs for the lifeboat as her suit’s oxygen runs out. With less than 30 seconds to go, she seals the hatches and stabilizes the oxygen levels inside. Before she even has time to get comfortable and take off her helmet, she hears a creepy noise inside the lifeboat. Shaw grabs an emergency fire ax and heads for the creepy noise.

Huge Mistake #idek anymore: Run AWAY from the creepy noises. AWAY.

Shaw’s in the middle of the lifeboat when she realizes where the noise is coming from—the MedPod bay. The doors are still sealed shut, and she creeps up to the window to peek in. Inside, the walls are smeared with goo and blood and general ick, and as she tries to figure out what the hell is going on, a massive slimy tentacle whacks up against the window, scaring the bejeezus out of her. Shaw slowly backs away. WISE DECISION.

Over the suit’s comms, David warns Shaw to leave the lifeboat immediately, because “he’s coming for you.” Confused, Shaw asks who David’s even talking about. She doesn’t have a chance to hear David’s answer, as the emergency airlock breach alarm goes off. It’s the last Engineer, and boy is he pissed.

The Engineer throws Shaw against the wall and presumably prepares to beat her into a fine pink paste. Since he’s standing right in front of the MedPod bay doors, Shaw throws the switch to open them up, and the tentacles leap out and grab the Engineer. HA!

HE SHALL BE MY SQUISHY

Shaw crawls away from the fight, grabs her helmet and some supplies, and runs like hell. Meanwhile, Horrible Alien Baby and the Engineer are about to get it on, gross squishy alien tentacle style. How romantic.

*****

Shaw lays on the ground and whimpers a bit, feeling extremely sorry for herself and generally hating life. David gets back on the suit’s comms to tell her to buck up and come rescue him so they can get the hell off this awful planet. He knows where there are more ships, and he knows how to fly them. Shaw wastes no time arguing with him, and gets her ass into one of the nearby ATVs.

She enters the cryotube chamber and finds David’s severed robohead next to his flailing headless robobody. Shaw asks David if he’s sure he can not only fly the alien ships but also work out their navigation systems; David reassures her that he’ll be able to find the way back to Earth easily. But that’s not where Shaw wants to go.

WAT.

No, she wants to go wherever the Engineers came from. BUT WHY. WHY YOU DO THIS. Surely there are no tacos there.

David doesn’t care about tacos either. They’re going to fly off into space together. Sigh.

Shaw lowers David’s flailing robobody down to the ATV, and then bags his head up to follow with it. David asks what Shaw hopes to accomplish by finding more Engineers, and really, it should be obvious by now, David. Shaw wants to know why they changed their minds about creating the human race, and why they decided to kill them all off. David thinks the answer is totally fucking irrelevant, because whatevs, they decided to do it and that’s that. Shaw thinks that he’s an idiot robot who will never understand.

AND TOGETHER, THEY HURTLE OFF INTO THE COSMOS.

As they fly off in another alien ship, Shaw records a transmission to warn people away from the death planet, saying that the last survivors have already left.

*****

OKAY WHEN IS SEQUEL. IS IT SOON.

Please like & share:
  • I loved this movie more than words can say. I especially loved David, who I thought might be one of the most fantastical trolls to ever troll the world. Or the universe, in this case. When he made the quip about Shaw ‘having it in her’ I nearly choked on my popcorn. The incredible lolz of that moment was only surpassed by watching Weyland get bitch slapped with David’s head by the Engineer. For some reason, I found this both hilarious and oddly poetic.

    In any case, I’ve been wanting a good Alien movie for YEARS (and no, the AVP franchise does not count. Also, it totally f***s up the timeline setup by Prometheus. IT IS INVALID!), and I was so excited to hear about Prometheus coming out. I thought it added a lot of background and depth to the original Alien story, and I liked the character of Shaw (not quite Ripley, but she was still pretty badass). I want to know where Shaw goes! I want to see more of David trolling! I want to know if Weyland Corp. keeps sending more teams to go look at the site before sending the poor bastards on the Nostromo to go have a look-see!

    Other thoughts:

    THE GRAPHICS!

    I hate all the robot hate that happened in this movie. I mean, I can kind of get Vickers hating David (daddy issues), but why everyone else? I also kind of felt like David was testing Holloway with all those questions about creation, and sort of did a ‘well you can just suck it’ over Holloway’s douche-tacular responses (“because we could”? REALLY?). So I honestly didn’t feel bad about Holloway getting turned into a fritter.

    Also, did you catch the bit at the end where it said ‘this footage is property of Weyland Corp’ which it notes as being founded October of THIS YEAR! Awesome!!! (I totally checked out the they had listed too).

    So, yes. Basically I’m obsessed with this movie and want the sequel to hurry up and come out already.

    • Liz

      DAVID IS MY FAVOURITE EVIL ROBOT FOREVER AND EVER. I really just want the sequel to be a ridiculous buddy movie with the two of them snarking at one another all over space, idek.

  • Weyland Industries** not Corp. lol apologies.

  • Sally R

    Awesome recap. I can’t wait to see this.

    • Liz

      DEFINITELY see it in IMAX 3d because otherwise it will just not be as awesome.

  • Simon

    My analysis on the Vickers, escape module, med-pod thing is that Vickers is an android and that the med-pod is actually on the escape module for Weyland, hence being configured for a male. It seemed a bit jarring to me but I think there’s so much of that film that RS leaves the viewer to draw their own conclusions on. I’ve read a lot of hate about the film (personally I loved every minute), but the majority of it seems to come from people who don’t like to have to think. Anyway, my biggest criticism is that there didn’t seem to be any plausible way for Shaw to find food at the end of the film, but I’m sure that’s something that can be sorted out next time round. Really enjoyed your synopsis – off to read some more of your stuff now. :)

    • Liz

      I really WANT Vickers to be a robot/replicant/whatevs but on the other hand it also seems totally plausible that Weyland would be selfish enough to only have the medpod available for his own personal use.

      Yeah, I mean. She grabbed some supplies from the lifeboat but certainly not enough to get by for more than a day or two. What could there possibly be to eat on the alien donut ship? 2,000 year old alien snacky cakes? Feh.

  • Erin

    I won’t be seeing this, because if I can’t deal with bug things in my apartment I sure as hell am not prepared for this scary disgustingness.
    But I did want to know what happened, so I was glad to read this!! You’re funny. “Milburn the Unwise, Last of His Name” is excellent and I laughed lots.

    • Liz

      Bug things in space is totally less horrible because SPACE AND NOT UNDER YOUR BED though.

      thank you so much for reading!

  • Miss H.

    “Horrible Alien Baby and the Engineer are about to get it on, gross squishy alien tentacle style. How romantic.” — Hahaha! You forgot to mention the product of their brief but tumultous romance :P

    • Liz

      UGH I KNOW my shitty camrip didn’t have the last 5 minutes and I was too lazy to haul my ass back to the IMAX theatre for the third time in 2 days!

  • Miss H.

    Hehehehehe. It’s alright!
    2 viewings in the cinemas and 1 more via a shitty camrip, thats dedication. Did I forget to mention: Awesome review? I did! >_> Awesome review! Love it :)

  • Jue

    Why don’t you review more shows? I absolutely love your style.

    • Liz

      I’d love to, but I don’t really have the time! If it’s something on during the week, I won’t have any time to write about it until the weekend, and we like to have things done the very next day.

  • Mike

    Excellent Review, your reaction to the film was pretty much the same as mine.

    Vickers was an android IMHO. My theory is she was an advanced model who was programed to belive herself to be human.

    One small point; the language David is learning at the begining of the film, and speaking to the Engineer later is not Saxon, it’s Proto-Indo-European.