CAUGHT UP YET? ME FUCKIN’ NEITHER. YAY!
We open this season with Bill calmly leaving a sweet message for Jessica on the phone, telling her not to worry about him, but he’ll be gone for a while and she’ll have run of the house. No crazy parties! Bill Compton is at his best with Jessica. While he’s leaving the message, Eric is vampire speed-cleaning the mess Nan left behind in the background while bitchily reminding Bill that they need to get a move on, because the Authority is going to eat them alive if they’re not the hell out of Bon Temps by morning. Oh, man, Bill and Eric Awesome Show, Great Job! is going to be so much fun this season.
They scrub vampire giblets out of the floor, arguing, but are interrupted by a Bill’s Sookiesense as Debbie comes into Sookie’s house, racking her shotgun. Bill wants to go help her, but Eric bites off a vicious “Fuck Sookie!” Bill’s all offended, but Eric’s like, “listen, dude, she just broke up with us while we were wearing our best gay bathrobes and were clearly offering the most insane of all threeways. She can’t be trusted.” Bill, however, cannot be trusted to mind his own beeswax, and runs outside—directly into a silver mesh net as soon as he hears the shotgun go off. Eric says “They’re already here!” to the empty room, then runs outside into his own tiny net. They are stuffed into the trunk of a car and driven away into the night. Good thing these boys are pretty.
Lafayette, also awakened by the gunshot, runs downstairs to see the kitchen awash in blood and Sookie screaming on the floor. He’s about to go back to bed, because situation normal obviously, but he notices she’s cradling Tara. Nothing can fucking go right for Lafayette Reynolds, ever. He grabs a washcloth and presses it to Tara’s…exposed brain, and Sookie tells him that Debbie Pelt showed up and tried to kill her, but Tara jumped between them. Also, I will say this now: if you don’t like Tara Thornton, I’m gonna fight you. And I’m a biter.
Pam vampires into the house, calling for Eric. If you’ll remember (the previously segment did not), Eric and Pam had a falling-out over Eric’s obsession with Sookie’s precious fairy vagina. Sookie yells at Pam to get out of her house when Pam makes fun of the bloody mess in the kitchen, and Pam begrudgingly tells them to tell Eric that she’s sorry. Lafayette asks Pam to wait—he wants her to turn Tara, to give her a chance. Pam is bemused and Sookie is against the idea, remembering that Tara has a couple of beefs with vampires as a species, but it doesn’t take a lot of convincing from Lafayette. Pam’s a tougher nut to crack, saying she doesn’t even like Tara (THAT HAD BETTER BE A LIE, PAMELA. I’LL BITE YOU.), then “I can’t be the only one who’s noticed she’s missing half her head, now can I? Even if I try, what’s to say she won’t rise out of the ground tomorrow night completely and utterly fucktarded?”
But she has to try! Pam is impervious to their sadness and turns to go, but Sookie says, “I’ll owe you one!”
“One what?” Pam asks, and sits down to negotiate. It doesn’t take long; Sookie’s desperate “I don’t know what you care about!” prompts Pam to say she wants Sookie to repair the bond between Eric and Pam and also owe her one, and Sookie agrees. On one hand, being indebted to someone as capricious as Pam seems foolish, but on the other hand, Tara. The deal is sealed, and Pam drops some blood into Tara’s mouth. OH MY GOD ARE THERE GOING TO BE SEXY WEIRDO DREAMS BETWEEN THEM???? I HOPE SO.
However: Tara is my favorite character on the show, but from a character standpoint, this situation is upsetting. Sookie does a lot of bad decision-making for other people, and if this becomes a thing where Tara actually does come back as something totally different than what she is as a human, I’m going to be so pissed off. FAIR WARNING.
Awesome credit sequence. I love you, credit sequence!
STEVE NEWLIN! HI BABY! WE’VE MISSED YOU! Steve Newlin is standing on Jason Stackhouse’s front porch, lavender sweater tied delicately over his shoulders. He’s seriously puppy-dogging Jason really hard, and Jason knows himself and his track record with vampires well enough to keep his face kind of tucked behind the door. AS WELL AS HIS DICK, BECAUSE JASON IS THE KIND OF GUY WHO ANSWERS THE DOOR NAKED. And every delivery person in Bon Temps thanks him for it.
Steve Newlin tries to get Jason to invite him inside, saying he’s not going to hurt Jason, he’s just there to talk.
Jason: “See, you say that, but I see your fangs. I’ve been around the block enough times to know that fangs are basically like twin hardons. Hardons for trouble, and for feedin’ on somebody. Never just for talkin’. Not ever.”
Jason Stackhouse is also our best beloved, because I have no doubt that, had he not seen Steve’s fangs, he would have invited Steve inside for a beer and some civil discussion/apologizing.
My point is made when Steve pops his fangs back up and gives Jason a sob story about how his turning was a punishment, but that he probably deserved it—and that his maker abandoned him without teaching him how to glamour humans and stuff! This is totally the truth! Jason, who in his life has probably brought home 450 orphaned homeless puppies, kittens, opossums, children, ladies, etc. after finding them in dangerous places, gets totally bummed out on Steve’s behalf. He looks up, and Steve puts the whammy on him, telling Jason to invite him in. Jason does.
Sam Merlotte stands out behind Merlotte’s, surrounded by growling werewolves. He’s like I DON’T SPEAK SNARLESE, THIS IS AMERICA, and one of the wolves shifts into some hardass hottie with nipple-covering mermaid hair and an insane body. Said hottie demands to know where Marcus Boseman, greasy packmaster and estranged husband of Sam’s new girlfriend, has gotten to. He has gotten to dead, because Alcide killed him to protect Sam. Hawkward. Speaking of hawks (but not really?), Sam’s all “Oh hey I know exactly where he is” but turns into an owl and flies away instead of telling them. I’d like to be able to do that. Fuck you, my boss, I’m taking my pants off and turning into an owl. CONVERSATION OVER.
Pam, in a hilarious yellow floral butterfly sweatsuit with a kitty on it, grouches around while Sookie and Lafayette dig a huge grave in Sookie’s yard. They put Tara’s body in with Pam. Pam sulkily turns her back on Tara, prompting Sookie to say “Aren’t you supposed to hold her or something?”
“I’m wearing a Walmart sweatsuit for y’all. If that’s not a demonstration of team spirit, I don’t know what is.” Nobody can argue that logic.
Pam eventually does kind of wrap herself around Tara, which is sweet. Sookie and Lafayette start shoveling dirt onto them, but I mean, why wouldn’t you toss a sheet over them? Waking up as a bloodthirsty revenant probably sucks, but it sucks even worse if you have actual gravedirt in your hair. On your EXPOSED BRAIN.
Beautiful Luna and her weird kid arrive back at Luna’s house to find naked Sam standing on the porch, covering his junk with a cushion. DUDE. FIND CLOTHES BEFORE POPPING OVER TO YOUR GIRLFRIEND’S PLACE, WHERE HER CREEPY YOUNG CHILD ALSO LIVES.
Sam sends the kid inside, then warns Luna that her estranged husband’s pack is out for blood. Luna says that they shouldn’t care so much, considering it was Alcide who committed the actual murder, but Sam admits he never told them who it was. Luna’s like “??????? You’re a fucking idiot.” and while Sam is adorable, I agree. Alcide is seven feet tall and made of tank parts. He can handle the repercussions of his own actions.
The repercussions show up right about then. Luna tells the werewolf hottie that she’s trespassing, but the werewolf hottie does not care, and also she calls Luna a whore. Rude. Luna doesn’t say the werewolves should be looking for Alcide, even after the werewolf says they’ll use her kid to make her talk, and Sam volunteers himself as the murderer so that the wolves don’t come back to the house. He lets himself be dragged off into the woods.
Jason’s casa. Steve, having covered Jason’s shameful nudity with a blanket, also covers his mouth with electrical tape. He tells Jason that he’s going to unglamour him, and when he does, the only thing Jason will remember is that he asked Steve in and asked for the tape over his mouth. Steve takes the whammy off and thanks Jason for inviting him in. Jason nods enthusiastically. Steve then has a very awkward confessional with Jason:
“You see, I didn’t care so much that you slept with Sarah. What hurt me was that she got to sleep with you. Before that, the whole time you were at camp, all of these feelings were building up inside of me. I couldn’t admit to it, not even to myself. And I think that’s why I started acting the way I did, all…murderous and whatnot. But now that I’ve been blessed with the gift of immortality, I finally have the strength to say it. I’m a gay Vampire-American. And I love you, Jason Stackhouse.” He smiles, and tells Jason he’s going to let him speak now, then pulls the tape off.
Jason is slightly flabbergasted, but he is also a best beloved and responds like a decent human being to Steve’s love confession, saying that he’s flattered (“That was, without a doubt, the nicest I love you I have ever gotten from anybody, male, female, or otherwise,”), and that he forgives Steve for trying to kill him and Sookie that one or two times. He tells Steve that, despite being flattered, he will most likely not be sleeping with Steve, because “This dog don’t bark that way.” Steve’s face falls, and so does Jason’s. Jason starts to apologize, but Steve drops his fangs and says he doesn’t want pity, just for Jason to love him. Jason’s like “NO THAT’S NOT HOW IT WORKS” but Steve grabs his hair and gets all almost-bitey.
“My dead heart beats for you. The least you can do is try.” Ew. I liked Steve better when he hated everything. He goes to bite Jason, but Jessica zooms in, still in her sexy Red Riding Hood lingerie from the end of last season, and declares Jason as hers. Steve says “I’m Steve fuckin’ Newlin, who the fuck are you?”
Jessica’s in full radcakes mode and says “Who the fuck I am is an older vampire than you. Who I also am is the progeny of the King of Louisiana, who happens to be out of town, which pretty much makes me the Queen.” Jessica’s hilarious lack of political knowledge is acceptable, because it’s not what you say, it’s how you say it. She threatens to give Steve the true death if he doesn’t GTFO. Jason rescinds his invitation at the same time, and Steve flies out of the house with one last “I love you!”
Jessica crawls immediately onto Jason, like any right-thinking vampire person would do.
Two of the Authority representatives who kidnapped Bill and Eric listen to awkward oldies. The guy seems into it, but one look from the woman fixes that.
Bill and Eric get romantical in the trunk (awkwardly close quarters even if you’re not stuck in there with a giant viking), Bill trying to brightside the whole situation by suggesting maybe the Authority just wants to question them? Eric shoots that down, asking whether Bill knows of anyone who’s ever walked away from a questioning. Bill concedes his point, then asks Eric to manoeuver a convenient umbrella over to him. They bust a hole in a gas tank, then break the handle and BLOW THE FUCKING CAR UP, THEMSELVES INCLUDED. Everybody survives the explosion except for the vehicle. Bill gets a piece of steel through his arm.
Okay, I feel like I’m forgetting something important from last season. I know Bill and Eric’s Excellent Adventure in Murder and Rejection brought them closer together, but Eric’s panicked “Bill!” when he sees Bill’s totally nonfatal arm injury made me choke on spit. Since when are they on a cradle you in my giant Nordic arms and maybe hold your hand a little basis?
Bill tells Eric that he must flee, for their love will not save them from their enemies and lo, he is too weak from his totally nonfatal arm injury. The dude vampire from the Authority walks up as they stare soulfully into one another’s eyes, and asks who wants to die first.
He explodes into giblets before he can shoot either of them. “You, Haze. You die first,” says the lady Authority vampire in an adorable English accent. She’s super gorgeous, and Eric suddenly remembers about vaginas. “Nora,” Eric says, and rushes forward for a sexy flame-surrounded kiss with hilarious music going crazy in the background.
Bill: “Friend of yours?”
Eric: “It’s my sister, actually.”
And Bill’s like, “UGH, FUCKING VAMPIRES.” Agreed, bruh.
Sookie, in yellow dishwashing gloves, rolls out a shower curtain and tells a pill-popping Lafayette that they’re going to put anything that’s big enough to pick up in the tarp, and then just starts tossing chunks of Debbie’s head into it. Lafayette, disgusted, tells her they should just call the cops, because it was self-defense. “You’re a white girl. They’ll believe you.”
Sookie tells him that she can’t, on account of how it wasn’t, technically? She says she had a chance, after she’d gotten the gun, to call the police or Jason and have Debbie locked up, but she didn’t. She wanted to kill her. Lafayette considers this for a moment, then nods, asking where the gloves are. I like these two together. Also, it’s good to know that my theory of Sookie and Bill actually being kind of awesome without each other is sound.
Sister Nora explains that she knew about the edict against Bill and Eric, and volunteered for the assignment in order to rescue Eric—Godric made both of them, but nobody at the Authority knows about their connection. Also they would do anything for each other blah blah blah. She also tells Bill that she disagrees with the Authority’s outdated model of crime/punishment, mainly how ridiculous it is that Bill saved their asses during the Petunia Dursley situation last season, and they were going to kill him as a reward. Bill surmises that Nora’s a part of the “factions” within the Authority, which was Nan Flanagan’s favorite word last season.
They arrive at a shipping container, where they will sleep the day out and then escape under assumed names.
Lafayette’s house. LAFAYETTE WHY HAVE YOU NOT CHANGED OUT OF YOUR BLOODY PAJAMAS? Sookie tries to convince Lafayette to let her deal with Jesus’s body, but Lafayette says he needs to do it. But wait, there is mysteriously no body! Lafayette freaks out, rightly, while Sookie spitballs that maybe Bill and Eric took it away for security reasons. It’s not really about the body, though—this is just one more thing Lafayette’s not going to get any closure for. Sookie leaves him alone with the house, and he tries to get Jesus to talk to him. He starts to cry when Jesus doesn’t answer. “You told me to keep breathing. How?” Aw :(
Two kids in hunting gear get dropped off at a complex, and find a naked Andy Bellefleur when they go inside. He wakes up all WTF WHY ARE TWO TEENAGERS LOOKING AT MY ASS and then realizes they’re Holly’s kids. Everything is panicked and hilarious when Holly wakes up, and Andy hugs her and manfully assures the children that he loves their mother. She tells him kindly to GTFO, and he says he’s trying, but where the hell are his pants? As he goes out to his car, the kids and Holly start yelling back and forth.
Breakfast at the Bellefleur mansion (where Terry, Arlene, the kids, and presumably Felix the armadillo have been living after their house fire). Scott Foley is charming with Arlene and the kids, talking Terry’s Corps history up. Arlene says she wants to pick Scott Foley’s brain some more. Terry disagrees with this plan vehemently, cowing everybody at the table.
Conversation turns to how well Terry’s doing, with his wife/kids/awesome house. Arlene explains about the fire, then argues with her children while Terry and Scott Foley stare meaningfully at each other and terrible yowly Xena music starts playing. If you ever watched Xena: Warrior Princess, you know what I’m talking about. Like if Enya was singing the words over a trailer soundtrack.
Sookie takes a shower and remembers being a child and not getting picked for a team and then telling the whole playground that a kid jerks off while watching his sister in the shower. He attacks her, and then Tara kicks his ass. I THINK ANNA PAQUIN AND RUTINA WESLEY ACTUALLY PROVIDED THE VOICES FOR THESE CHILDREN. WHAT THE HELL IS GOING ON? It’s just bad and embarrassing all around.
Lafayette takes a sad bath with a bottle of liquor. I guarantee you that it will solve none of your problems, but you will be drunk in a bath and that’s almost the same as not having any problems. Lafayette stares meaningfully up at a pink safety razor. But don’t worry, you can’t even kill yourself with those things by accident.
A giant shape blocks out the sun in front of Sookie’s door. It’s Alcide! Hi, Alcide! Oh, wait, Sookie just blew his girlfriend’s head off, and there is a molar still on the kitchen floor. Sookie kicks it under the fridge and does her hilarious smiley deflective lying thing as she pours him lemonade, but he brings bad news: Russell Edgington and his boner for her fairy blood have escaped. Sookie’s like “What the FUCK” because Bill and Eric just told her he was dead.
Jason and Andy lunch at Merlotte’s, and have a sad conversation about how they’re both totally pathetic when it comes to interpersonal relationships. Boss Hogg rolls up (okay, I guess his name is Judge Clements?) and takes Jason’s seat, then starts sliming all over Andy about a ticket his son got that he wants unticketed. Andy’s like “Tim’s radar gun was on the fritz,” and Boss Hogg thinks that’s hilarious, then pays for Andy’s lunch. Andy sadly reapplies his lipstick in the bathroom mirror and reminds himself that they can buy his body but not his love.
Hoyt’s table of road crew buddies start hassling Jason and calling him a girlfriend-fucker, and Jason goes and tries to talk to Hoyt. Nobody at the table is having it, and it’s all very sad, especially when Jason calls him Bubba. And I see Hoyt’s point, but Jason didn’t swoop in and steal Jessica away. She went to him! Wearing a cape and cute lingerie. Friendship code would state that you do not have sex with your best friend’s boyfriend/girlfriend, no matter what the status of the relationship is, and I am a huge proponent of upholding friendship code! BUT SERIOUSLY: IT WAS JESSICA. WOULD YOU SAY NO? COULD YOU SAY NO?
Anyway, Hoyt’s bitter and a little in denial, and Jason is sad and ineffectual and still wearing the black eye Hoyt gave him. Peace talks break down with little advancement of either cause.
Alcide wants Sookie to go stay with him while Russell’s on the loose. Sookie, whose bad decision-making doesn’t merely extend to other people, says she can’t. Proving herself the reigning champ of bad decision-making, she’s about to tell Alcide that she killed Debbie when Lafayette runs down the stairs, wearing a cute cardigan and a (thankfully, that hair was bizarre) bald head. He gets up in Alcide’s face, despite being a foot shorter than him, and tells him to get the hell out, because he and Sookie are absolutely done with this supernatural bullshit. LAFAYETTE SOMETIMES MAKES BAD DECISIONS ALSO. COME ON, DUDE: ALCIDE IS MADE OF TANK PARTS. Unfortunately, he leaves empty-handed, and Lafayette mentally admonishes Sookie for almost spilling about Debbie. He tells her the sun’ll be down soon, and they need to be there for Tara.
Barn of wolfy shenanigans. A hard-bitten lady, Martha (Dale Dickey, who was fantastic in Winter’s Bone and probably everything else she’s ever been in), walks in, listening to the sounds of a beating/Sam yelling. She asks for a minute alone with Sam, who’s tied to a post. She promises no harm will come to Luna or her weird kid if Sam takes them to where Marcus’s body is.
Enthusiastic fucking in a shipping container! Nora and Eric call each other sister and brother and it’s gross and a little obnoxious, but, hey, vampires. That’s their whole thing. Bill waits politely but also bitchily outside the container, telling them that New Orleans is only sixty miles away, and someone might hear them. Eric takes this as a challenge. His phone starts to ring, though, and that pisses Nora off until he tells her it’s untraceable. He tells Bill, “We fight like siblings, but we fuck like champions.” NO, DUDE, I KNOW YOU’VE BEEN IN THE SOUTH FOR A LONG TIME, BUT THAT SHIT IS MUTUALLY EXCLUSIVE. ONE OR THE OTHER.
Alcide gives Eric a head’s-up on the Russell Edgington situation, mainly that there now is a Russell Edgington situation.
Someone drags a crying dude through a warehouse, then drops him off at a room where he is eaten heartily.
Compton house. Jessica’s first act as Pretty Much the Queen of Louisiana is to throw a tiny party for a bunch of college students. They try to convince her to go to college, because they offer night school for vampires. It’s cute, but then this weird fratty douchebro tries to seduce her via quarters. And it seems to be working. NO, JESSICA. NO. Jason shows up, and things get awkward. Jason’s like “I JUST WANTED TO SAY HI AND ALSO DO YOU REMEMBER WHEN YOU SAID I WAS YOURS????? I LIKED THAT. LET’S GET MARRIED.” But Jessica was only saying that to protect him. He’s really sad, but ends up hanging out with Jessica and the college kids anyway.
Terry smokes on his break behind Merlotte’s, and Scott Foley (okay, his name’s Patrick) hoves out of nowhere to try and talk about feelings again. Or, okay, he wants to talk about how five members of their old unit have lost their homes in fires. Terry says his was just because of “A super-pretty ghost named Mavis” who turned out to be really nice (aw!), but even he doesn’t believe himself. They get violent with each other, which Arlene witnesses, and Patrick ends up knocking Terry down. He says he thought the fires were Terry’s doing, but now is just disappointed that Terry won’t even help him find out what’s up. Terry looks disappointed in himself, too, and Patrick leaves.
Jessica’s party, Rock Band session in full swing. Jessica sings “Cherry Bomb,” duetting slightly with Jason until the fratty douchebro Jettblocks him and finishes the song with Jessica. Jason, with a cute blond girl hanging onto his back, watches sadly as Jessica kisses the other guy. He asks if the girl wants to get out of there, and she’s like “Um yes have you seen yourself ever.” Jessica watches them as they pass by, also kind of sad-looking. But it might be because her dress is atrocious. I’M SORRY IT’S JUST REALLY UGLY. IT FITS BEAUTIFULLY BUT UGH THAT PRINT. She puts on a brave face and pretends to get excited about singing along to Foreigner.
In Jason’s police cruiser, he lets the girl down easy. “But we were rockin’ so hard!” she says, and Jason’s like “Verily we were rockin’ so hard, but my heart is sore and I know I would only ensoren yours as well. I will take milady and her incredibly flat stomach home.”
The girl understands, and says that Jason just doesn’t seem like that much of an asshole. Paradoxically, he assures her that he is that much of an asshole, but he doesn’t want to be. She agrees to let him take her back to the sorority, and he asks her to put her sweater on, because she is “in some kind of shape, and I don’t need to see that shit.” She laughs.
Sam leads the wolves to Marcus’s body. Two shifted werewolves dig him up, and Martha looks sad. The wolves are going to make Sam dig his own grave, but Luna and Alcide show up just in time for Alcide to take credit for the murder, prompting a couple of the wolves to bow down to him. Alcide says Marcus deserved it, but Martha says he should take that back, on account of how Marcus was her son. Things get tense, but then Martha turns into a wolf and things get gross—the wolves all eat Marcus’s body while Alcide, Luna, and Sam stare in disgust.
Nora, Bill, and Eric power-walk down to a boat, where a vampire named Cat gives Bill and Eric new identities. Bill is Marcellus Clark, and Eric is Ike Applebaum. Bill’s fine, but Eric is like :( about his.
Eric and Nora kiss one last time, but are interrupted by like all of the vampires getting shot to death around them. The Authority has a bunch of riflemen surrounding the docks, and orders them to not fucking move.
Sookie and Lafayette sit by the grave, Sookie wondering when they last ate and Lafayette smoking. Lafayette goes to find them something to eat; moments later, Pam crawls out of the grave, irritated beyond all belief. “There is dirt in my bra.” Pam grimaces into her TruBlood as Sookie digs Tara up, but Tara’s motionless in the ground. Sookie starts crying. Pam almost looks sorry that it didn’t work.
Lafayette returns with food, and starts crying along with Sookie. Everything seems really dire. BUT THEN THE DIRT EXPLODES AND TARA JUMPS OUT, ADVANCING ON SOOKIE AS SOOKIE SCREAMS FOR LAFAYETTE. YAY! SHE’S ALIVE-ISH? MAYBE?
OH GOD WHY IS IT NOT SUNDAY YET.