The Bachelorette; Season Emily; Episode 5

(I apologize for being tardy to the bachelorette party, but we had some weather-related issues and I wasn’t able to finish my recap until today.)

I've got your baggage right here. *grabs package*

Welcome to episode 5: In which Emily proves she has a bigger dick than the biggest dick of them all.

We are in jolly ol’ London folks, just Emily, 10 douchetestants, and little Ricki. Of course she’s there! I mean, how else can we find a baby daddy if the baby ain’t around?

The first date card goes to Sean. “Love takes no prisoners.” Both Alejandro and Kalon cry like little babies because they wanted to be taken prisoner with Emily. Neither have been lucky enough to receive 1-on-1dates yet…and if that isn’t a big case of foreshadowing for y’all, you obviously haven’t been paying attention.

I’m going to be honest, this recap isn’t really going to be about the actual dates. Emily and Sean dig each other. They tour London on a Double Decker bus. There are extremely cheesy lines and motivational poster moments. They drive by Big Ben and Sean seems confused by the big clock. Yes, you read that correctly. Let’s move along. They go to St. Paul’s Cathedral and kiss just like Prince William and Lady Kate.

Emily is coming down with a bug, and by dinner, girl is sick. But she powers through with the interview portion of the date, which is in an old prison where King Henry VIII kept his wives when they had been naughty. And of course, beheaded the really naughty wives. Blah, blah, interview questions, staring into each other’s eyes, talk about babies, (Emily wants a baker’s dozen, Sean wants 2 kids…but he’s open-minded…yeah. right.) He gets a rose. End of date.

So it’s group date time. Kalon, Alejandro, Travis, John, Ryan and his ego, Arie, and Dough. The group is going to act out scenes from Romeo and Juliet. I will spare you the gory details. It was painful. Not funny. Ryan gets to play “Romeo” so his douchetude was all over the place.

Emily pops over to watch Ryan and Kalon rehearse and of course Ryan must fawn all over Emily, which makes Kalon’s Lady Flower bloom early. “We need to get back to rehearsals, you run along.” Yes. He said it. Wow. Who lit the fuse on his tampon? This doesn’t please Emily. The poor girl is sick as a dog, is trying to enjoy being on a group date full of douchetestants, and was just dismissed.

The “performance” is in front of a live audience. It is so awful. Especially when Ryan humps Emily’s leg…I mean, kisses her.

The good news is, we are done with Shakespeare. The better news is, we are about to get even more drama than we could hope for.

First off, Emily’s sick…right? And yet she manages to kiss both Arie and Ryan on this date. I mean, I know she didn’t really want to kiss Ryan, but it was in the script. She also kissed Sean on their date. Somebody better come down with a case of the Emily-flu before this season is over.

Anyway, back to the drama. The “guys” are all bitching about what a total prick Kalon is, and that’s when we discover that Kalon called Little Ricki baggage. He’s confronted by Dough, (because Dough is a daddy and he would cut-a-bitch if they called his boy baggage). Kalon admits he said it and explains that “baggage” isn’t necessarily a negative, it just means that she has baggage. You know, comes with stuff. And that he had always imagined his first kid would actually be HIS, so you know, baggage. But it’s not negative.

Dough runs to Emily and shows her his manly magenta manties and tells on Kalon. Emily is not happy to say the least. “I’m gonna go West Virginia, hood rat, backwoods on his ass.”

She and Dough gather the douches together and Emily confronts Kalon. He admits he said it and tries to explain. Emily holds her hand up and uses Kalon’s own words against him. “I love it when you talk, but let me finish.” Emily tells him that her daughter is a blessing, not baggage and what does he have to say for himself. He tries to explain that “baggage” isn’t negative, and Emily cuts him off. “I’m done with this conversation. Get the fuck out.”
get to steppin' boy.

Yes, Emily’s balls dropped tonight, folks.

Kalon leaves, Emily tells the guys that she is upset and disappointed that it took so long for someone to tell her about this. That she expects the man she’s going to be with to always have her back. And then she punishes them by coughing on them and not giving out a date rose.

It’s time for a date with Jef-with-one-F. They start out having afternoon tea which they completely blow off after they are joined by a British etiquette teacher named Jean. Well, they blow it off after their etiquette lesson. The only thing Jean was missing was a wooden ruler and a habit. This chick would have scared manners into me. Anyway, when Jean leaves them to their tea, they pop smoke and head to a pub where they order fish-n-chips and two pints. Yeah, I don’t blame them. Screw tea and manners. Give me grease and ale.

Okay, the rest of the date is really boring. Emily really likes Jef despite his missing F and he’s really into her. He’s very polite and they laugh a lot. But they don’t kiss. This would be the third time he’s had an opportunity to jam his tongue down her throat, ane he misses them all. Well, he does finally kiss her after he admits he’s been slow, and he’s thought about kissing her and he regrets he didn’t kiss her on the beach and finally he does. He gets a rose. And probably the flu.

COCKtail party and rose ceremony time. Tonight’s COCKtail interviews consist of deciphering who will stand up for Emily and who won’t. What do you think they’re going to do, Em? Admit to being pussies? I don’t think so.

Anyway, if you haven’t guessed it by now, the one guy left roseless is Alejandro. Buenos noches, amigo.

Next week, we travel to Croatia. Now that Kalon is gone, we will get back to more Ryan and his ego!

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  • “West Virgina hood rat backwoods on his ass.” BEST Bachelorette/Bachelor moment ever. LOL!

    • There was so much awesome in that moment. I really wasn’t sure how to process it all!

      Did you hear that Kalon is going to be on Bachelor Pad? I may have to watch it this season just because he’s such a dick. He makes for great tv…