Hello my friends of the internets! This week’s recap is late because I have been without the internets since Sunday! WHAT? How have I survived? I’m not gonna lie, it was tough. But the wine helped.
Speaking of eh, the first hometown date is with Chris, where he continues to creep me out. We are in Chicago where we discover that Chis’s family is Polish—on a scale from one to Polish, we’re Polish.. He takes her to a polish restaurant where they sit and have awkward moments of silence and forced conversation. “I could see myself falling for Chris,” Emily says to the camera. And she all but rolled her eyes.
The family visit was a typical meal with a giant flower arrangement in the middle of the table that everyone had to talk around. Chris’s parents really seemed to like Emily a lot. Chris’s sister seemed to be the only member of the family who could totally see that Emily just isn’t that into her brother. “If you realize he’s not going to be the one at the end, I ask that you end it sooner rather than later.”
Good call, sis.
Next date is in Utah at Jef-with-one-F’s ranch. Yes, Holmstead Ranch. It is beautiful. And this is when we discover that Jef could totally afford another F if he wanted one. Holmsboy comes from money.
They start the date off with a little skeet shooting. He’s pretty much rifle-weilding sex-on-a-stick. Emily is completely turned on by Jef and his gun. And then when it’s Emily’s turn, Jef had to hide his popped tent. “Emily looks so hot with a gun. I just want to watch her hold a gun all day long.”
Then we have a church social, I mean, we meet Jef’s family. Well, his siblings. His parents are in South Carolina doing “charity work.” Jef’s brother calls him the free spirit of the family which I interpret as, He’s the non-Mormon. They have a picnic and when his brother offers a toast, he points out they are drinking LEMONADE. Just to make sure the world knows they were not boozing it up.
Everyone seemed to really connect. It was a church social…but the closest thing we got to discussing ‘religion’ was when Jef’s brother asked Emily if she builds her life on “sound principles.”
Um, sure. I mean, parading my kid around on national tv looking for a baby-daddy is totally based on sound values. Right?
After family time, Jef-with-one-F reads Emily the most romantic and sweet letter ever written. Emily was pretty overwhelmed with emotion.
Jef played this date all the way right. He has upped his game in a major way, and I have to say, Arie might melt my panties off, but Jef is becoming stiff competition. (hur hur) I may be on Team One F now.
Let’s head to Scottsdale, Arizona where Arie takes Emily for a few laps around the racetrack. Emily is all “Arie looks stupid-hot.” He definitely revs her engines.
When we meet Arie’s family, whom he describes as “so European” the date turns weird. Like REALLY weird. If Emily chooses her man based solely on the family dates, then Arie is out. No questions.
So Arie’s parents are Dutch and it doesn’t take long for them to start speaking Dutch in front of Emily, exclduing her from the conversation. At one point, Arie’s father says, “They’re talking about you.” Emily just awkwardly laughs. She’s noticably uncomfortable. Finally Arie gets the conversation turned back to English and poor Emily gets to rejoin the group.
Now we’re off to Texas where we get to visit Ken Doll, Sean, his dogs, and his family. Everything about his family is just as perfect as he is, and Emily keeps saying that in her private interviews. Which of course, is the PERFECT set up for what comes next.
“Emily, there’s something I need to tell you and it’s really hard for me.”
Emily’s eyes are wide. “Okay.”
“I live here. I live with my parents. I can afford to live on my own, I just don’t because this is awesome.”
“Oh? Okay? Great? I’d live here, too.” Emily squeaks.
Then Sean proceeds to take her to his room, which is covered in dirty laundry, food, cups, and crumbs and filled with stuffed animals—which he names. “I thought Mom was going to clean this up today. I told her I wanted it clean.”
Emily’s eyes are even wider and she’s trying to keep up her facade. “That’s okay, I can clean…”
Finally, Sean starts laughing. “I don’t live here. This isn’t my room and I’m not a slob.”
The relief on Emily’s face was almost painful. “I was trying to go with it. There are worse things.”
It was a perfect joke. From a perfect guy.
I left this date wanting to adopt Sean’s dad who was the kindest, sweetest, most loveable man on earf. He actually said he didn’t know if “his heart could take it all” if she and Sean got engaged. Cutest. Dad. Ever.
I think we can all guess who got eliminated this week, can’t we? Is it really a shock that Chris was cut out of the bouquet? I don’t think so.
Well, it was a shock to him, but then he’s a creepy idiot. The good news is, we never have to see this face again…
So we are down to the final three and the overnight dates in Curacao. I’m gonna go out on a limb and say, if she takes Arie and Sean to the final two, then she chooses Arie. If she takes Jef and Sean, she’ll choose Jef. If she takes Arie and Jef? Tough call, but I’m thinking Jef has inched his way to the head of the pack after this week’s date… stay tuned!