Here’s the thing about the Men/Women Tell All episodes: They have about 15-20 minutes of moments that are worth watching. The remaining 100 minutes is spent reliving all the best and worst moments of the season. (on camera and off).
We stroll down the Ryan one-liner memory lane. Remember these one-hit wonders? [if you got fat]“I’d love you but I wouldn’t love on you.” “Any girl who says I’m trouble is looking for trouble.”
We get a big dose of 1980s James Spader, I mean, Kalon. His grand entrance in his rented helicopter; his telling Emily “I love to hear you talk, but not until I’m done. Let me finish.” and of course, his pièce de résistance: Referring to little Ricki as baggage.
You know this is a set up for some quality Kalon time later in the show, right?
Before we get to the actual show, we first must endure a preview of the upcoming season of Bachelor Pad 3. I’ll spare you the gory details.
Mr. Overpaid introduces the douchetestant rejects and we see some highlights from their time on the show. Basically, we see from the highlights, nobody really liked Ryan, Chris, Doug, or Kalon.
First in the hotseat is Kalon where Mr. Overpaid just gets right to it by calling a douche a douche. When Kalon tried to explain what he meant when he called Ricki baggage, the crowd booed and Ken-Doll Sean stepped up to become the PERFECT (of coruse) hero: “If you love a woman, you embrace every part of that woman, child included.” And every woman in the audience lined up afterward to collect his semen.
Kalon admits he’s arrogant–after he talks about how blessed he is with many worldly gifts. Everyone passes out in shock. Not.
Next up is Crybaby Chris who’s lady flower is still blooming. Somebody please get him a tissue and a fresh manpon! Please? He comes across as still angry and defensive. He explained his behavior by saying that when he really cares about something, he fights for it. Right. That’s why you immediately signed on to do Bachelor Pad 3… way to go Golden Gloves.
Next up is Mr. Perfect, Ken-Doll Sean. We last left Sean saying he was sure he’d found his wife, unfortunately, Emily had other ideas in mind. He admits he still has very strong feelings for Emily and is still shocked he was sent home.
Emily joins Mr. Overpaid next. Both CryBaby Chris and Ken-Doll Sean both thank her for allowing them to be open to love again. Emily then tanks Dough for ratting out Kalon’s baggage claim comment.
And THIS is when I decided maybe Emily was actually my One-true-TV Love.
Emily: I could be engaged to Kalon! Thank God for Doug!
Mr. Overpaid: Do you really think that would have been an option?
Emily: *laughs* No.
Kalon: Emily, obviously I would like to apologize for the way things transpired. Um, I’ve never seen you this happy in the short time we spent together. You look extremely happy. I’m happy for you, but at the same time, I’m sorry the way things went down between us. I’m trying to use it as a growing experience in my future relationships and I really wish the best for you.
Emily: And, you my dear should be a politician, because that’s the biggest load of bullshit I’ve ever heard.”
Kalon: shifts in seat, tries to speak again and Emily interrupts by calling him out. People do things and say things they regret, but they don’t turn around and tweet a photo of baggage claim and say: “I’m by the baggage, where is Emily.” Then when people react negatively respond, “I’m sorry that I’m not sorry for what I said.”
Emily’s final words on the subject: I just hope that you find faith in something bigger than your Prada shoes and your rented helicopter.
Yes, ladies and gentlemen of HDJM…Emily Maynard is my true-tv-love.
The rest of the show was basically more walks down memory and blooper lane, this time featuring Speedracer and Jef-with-one-F. The finale is this Sunday where we see who her final choice will be.
I’m still Team-One-F. What about you guys?